LAST WEEK: 4-2 (Nate Picks!)
The preview is on a roll of going 4-2 every week, even with the Nate Picks(tm) from last week. Clearly something powerful is going on with the weekly preview. Something that none of us can understand with our Earthly minds.
THE NEV-R-WINS (1-2) at THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (1-2)
Same record, but two completely different teams. In the sense that one of them is good. All three of my backs are Probable this week, but will definitely outscore Benson and Hightower. Celek and Julio (say Jewel-ee-o) Jones will get their first TDs of the season this week, and you can put that in a bound book.
I'm reminded that both of my fantasy leagues are Pittsburgh-based when I see so many teams starting Emanuel Sanders and Antonio Brown. Like how every hockey league I was in for the past four years had Chris Kunitz in it.
Also, Early Doucet sounds like the name of a tea.
THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 101 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 55
LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (0-3) at IRON CITY POUNDERS (2-1)
Jeff Webster is currently fishing for trout while being eaten by mosquitos in some wooded part of the Carolinas. So he's probably not going to remove Daniel Thomas from his starting lineup, even though Thomas has been ruled out of Sunday's game. Nope, it's all James Blake and Dale's Pale Ale for Web. He won't even notice he's 0-4 until Wednesday at the earliest.
I'm going to let you in on a secret: Matt Ryan is not very good. The Pounders actually 3 players going in the Atlanta-Seattle "battle," which is sure to be a 13-7 blast of tryptophan. They are also starting the Arizona defense, which is one of the worst in the league. This is about to be the fakest 3-1 team this side of, well, Atlanta.
THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 70 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 64
FIREROCK ROCKERS (3-0) at HAWKS (1-2)
Rocker fever is sweeping the North Side. I can't tell you how many paper-thin bootleg t-shirts I saw guys of indecipherable nationality hawking today. "Climb The Rock!" "ROCK ON!" "Rawk the Hawks!" They have them all. It's nice to see such a historically downtrodden fanbase enjoying their moment in the warm sun.
The Rockers do have some trouble spots this week, though. Cincinnati is actually a good defense, Jacksonville will be down 14-3 early, taking the ball away from MJD, and Jahvid Best just plain isn't scoring because Calvin can't be covered, so why bother running?
On the other side, Steven Jackson is still a little hurt, and Dez Bryant is out this week, bringing somebody of dubious stature into the lineup. Plus, Boldin is vacationing on Revis Island this week and Decker did everything in one game.
So the Rockers may be down, but they're still going up! Somebody put that on a t-shirt.
THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 88 - HAWKS 80
ST. A'S CRUSADERS (3-0) at PURPLE SWIRLS (1-2)
Our 5-star explosive matchup of the week, brought to you by Zambelli Fireworks.
The Swirls are starting Brees this week, so run out and bet Philly to cover -9, no problem. Look for a final of 41-10 in that one. And who to start at QB each week isn't the only question the Swirls have. Mike Thomas and Johnny Knox leave a little to be desired in the starting lineup. In fact, I'm starting to think the Swirls deserve their record.
Is Malcom Floyd out this week? Does it even matter?
THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 110 - PURPLE SWIRLS 90
WHIZ-BANG GANG (1-2) at DEATHFROMABOVE (3-0)
If you have Aaron Rodgers in fantasy football and miss the playoffs, it's time take a long look in the mirror. Preferably while fully nude. Because there is something wrong with you, and in movies, that is how people come to realize there is something wrong with them.
Larry is also in my other fantasy football league, where I have AJ Green, Ryan Grant and Mark Ingram. And I had Dwayne Bowe in the WVFL last year. Plus, I'm the one who told Larry that Aaron Rodgers is good. Why don't you just get the same haircut as me!?!/
Ndamakung Suh is going to break Romo's good ribs, stick them into his good lung, pull the whole thing out, and then eat it like something you buy at the county fair. It is not going to be pretty.
THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 120 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 101
ATLAS SHRUGGZ (1-2) at BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT (1-2)
Since nobody cares about this game, I want to talk about something else in the NFL. This weekend starts October, which is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. So players will be wearing pink gloves, shoes, tape, wristbands, and cups for the entire month. And it is so, so ugly.
I don't say this to be cruel, and there's nothing funny about cancer, which is a brutal disease. But is there anybody in this entire country who isn't aware of breast cancer? Do we really need to raise awareness by turning the already aesthetically-challenged Falcons/Seahawks game into something resembling puking after a trip to Old Country Buffet?
On top of that, last year we were supposed to grow mustaches in November for prostate cancer, which somehow turned into September beards this year. Again, we are all aware of cancer. And again, I stress that I am not joking about cancer. Rather, the fact that this is entire country is based around nothing but marketing. We produce nothing in this country except spin and entertainment. In fact, I feel lucky to work on the fringes of Hollywood, as entertainment is America's only remaining growth industry. Besides fracking, of course.
Everybody is aware of how bad breast cancer is and that women should be screened on an (semi- /tri- /nobody can decide-) annual basis. But we're going to have our retinas singed by the be-pinked Bengals on Sunday because another sacred calf must be sacrificed at the altar of marketing.
All we do any more in this country is come up with empty, meaningless gestures that give people the ability to feel good for six micro-seconds without actually getting involved and making a scintilla of difference.
I will now end this bellyaching before this turns into a term paper for Noam Chomsky's American sociology class at Berkeley.
THE PICK: ATLAS SHRUGGZ 85 - BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 70