Friday, October 7, 2011

WVFL Week 5 Preview

LAST WEEK: 5-1

SEASON: 17-7

THE NEV-R-WINS (2-2) at ST. A’S CRUSADERS (4-0)

The Crusaders have taken a page from the Joe Paterno / Lou Holtz humility playbook. Those two old salts would famously downplay their chances of beating Louisiana Tech early in the season, saying their teams had major problems, while Tech had one really good wide receiver who could cause them trouble. Then Penn State or Notre Dame would go out and win 63-3.

The Crusaders are currently putting up a smokescreen about bye weeks and Ray Rice not playing, even though Rice is only their third-best player. Meanwhile, they’re 4-0 and only trail the 1-3 Swirls (hilarious!) for the total points lead.

Kyle Orton is going to have a nice game as Denver pulls off the upset in a classically weird San Diego loss, and Jimmy Graham can’t be covered by mortal man. Although I am enjoying DeAngelo Williams touring the country as the new Shaun Alexander. The big contract back who becomes useless before the deal has been official notarized. Meanwhile, I’m stuck starting recent signee Jacoby Jones at the flex spot. Sure, Brady, Jennings, Peterson, Holmes and Julio Jones are have fantastic matchups, but how much does that mean, really?

This game will come down to Monday, where I’ll have Robbie Gould, and the Crusaders will only have Calvin Johnson. That favors me for sure.

By the way, all of the above was just a feint. I’m going to win this one in a runaway.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 125 – ST. A’S CRUSADERS 99

THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW (1-3) at IRON CITY POUNDERS (2-2)

The Elbow is still holding on to Peyton, which is more than most Colts fans are doing. But really, why go through all the trouble of figuring out who to pick up instead when your team isn’t going anywhere? It’s like putting your laundry away when the house is on fire. Pointless, you see? Though they could at least pick up Reggie Bush so Elbow fans (there are still some) can get excited about screen passes that pick up 4 yards with 15 yards of effort.

The Elbow are starting two tight ends this week – Scott Chandler and Vernon Davis – and this strategy might explain why our league suddenly and oddly went to the W/R/T flex option over the established W/R option.

This game features three separate Buffalo Bills, highlighting the absolute saturation of NFL information in American society. Last week, I read at least four different sources saying the Buffalo/Cincinnati game was a trap game for Buffalo. On the road, feisty opponent, coming off a big, emotional victory. Now, these people were right, but even three years ago, most people didn’t even know what a trap game was. The luck factor is through the roof now since everybody knows everything.

The Pounders won’t have to worry about luck this week. They’re lucky to be playing the Elbow.

THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 101 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 70

LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (1-3) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (4-0)

The All Stars come into this game on a roll, having won one in a row. But the Rockers are 4-0, firerocking everybody who crosses their path. Plus, they have two players (more Bills!) facing the Eagle defense. Two years ago, yeah, having two Bills against the Eagle D would be bad news. But these are modern times.

The story of Juan Castillo and Eagles was weird in the preseason, instantly became bizarre in the regular season and is now picking up traction. Castillo was the Eagles’ offensive line coach for about 10 years, and apparently he continually asked Andy Reid to move him to the defensive side. Every year, Andy said no…until this year when he made him the defensive coordinator! Castillo had no previous defensive experience, and had never called plays (offensive or defensive) in game. Then he switched the team to this new-fangled 9-wide technique that puts the defensive ends out by the sidelines somewhere. Then the Eagles signed a bunch of new defensive players. Meanwhile, teams are simply GASHING the Eagles where the defensive ends used to line up, and Nnamdi Asomugha doesn’t know where he’s supposed to be most of the time. The Eagles actually said they’re giving him FEWER snaps this week.

Only Andy Reid. Between this and his 10-year inability to figure out a good goal line play, his success is baffling. He’s like a goofy son that inherited his dad’s trucking business…only the weirdness of interstate commerce laws protects him from ruining the company.

I mention all of that because there’s really no point in talking about this game.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 105 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 91

HAWKS (1-3) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (1-3)

The WBG defense is even worse than that of the Patriots. They simply cannot stop the other team from scoring. Their points against each week have been 168, 140, 86 (that was me, blowing up the curve) and 133. They really need to do something about that. Perhaps convincing the other team to bench their second running back each week?

Although the Hawks currently have Dexter McCluster in that roster spot, which is practically benching the spot.

Brandon Jacobs is out this week, which means Bradshaw will get all of the carries…against the Seahawks…with the Giants trying to run out the second half to protect their 24-10 lead. Nice.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 115 – HAWKS 94

DEATHFROMABOVE (4-0) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (2-2)

Ultimate creator Steve Jobs stopped producing in the most ultimate way this week. My facebook feed immediately clogged up with white people grieving that cell phone technology came to a halt. I wanted to write “Every Mac in the world just crashed in tribute. Never mind…that was just somebody trying to open Illustrator.” But I didn’t, fearing a bespectacled riot. I did, however, call Jobs the world’s greatest consultant, since all he did was take others’ inventions and improve them, and that nearly did cause a fanboy riot at work yesterday. Fortunately, the Venn diagram of Apple fans and tough guys looks like this - O O - so I was unharmed.

Anyway, on to the game. Mark Sanchez is comically bad, Vincent Jackson has a bad hammy, Sidney Rice has to deal with Tavaris, Chris Johnson is such a top pick bust that TK should have him, and we discussed the Philly D earlier. How is this team 4-0? Oh right, Welker and Darren Sproles. Sproles is better than Reggie Bush, incidentally. Rarely do you get such a clear comparison of two players as when one comes into the same system the other just left and is significantly more useful. Can you imagine if the Texans panicked in 2006 and the Saints got Mario Williams? In a dome? With a top-notch offense giving him second half leads? Wow.

THE PICK: ATLAS SHRUGGZ 93 – DEATHFROMABOVE 91

BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT (1-3) at PURPLE SWIRLS (1-3)

This week, Hank Williams lost his “Monday Night Football” singing gig after he went on some bizarre talk show and complained about Boehner playing golf with Obama because that was like Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu. This was bizarre for several reasons. Why is anybody interviewing Hank Williams about politics? Why is Hank Williams complaining about something that happened in June and didn’t change a thing? Why was Netanyahu the Y axis in this graph? Is that the only Israeli premier he could think of under the hot lights? I get the Jewish/Hitler interplay, but wouldn’t Eisenhower or (gasp!) Roosevelt be a better dance partner for this analogy? Or hell, George Washington, if you’re already mixing things up? And will this country ever stop caring about what dumb rednecks have to say?

Anyway, the point is, Hank Williams is a big Steelers fan. Other famous, conservative Steeler fans include Curt Schilling and Rush Limbaugh. On the (assumedly) liberal side, we have Bret Michaels. Some things are better left unknown. I would rather watch a documentary about why beef is so inexpensive than know that Rush Limbaugh also loves the Steelers.

By the way, I’m officially calling for the upset in this one.

THE PICK: BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 87 – PURPLE SWIRLS 85

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