THE NEV-R-WINS 107.14 – ST. A’S CRUSADERS 95.06
How good is Calvin Johnson? I had a 20-point lead plus a kicker playing (a source of sneaky points), and I was legitimately worried about losing. Especially after Calvin jogged with the coverage, then kicked into gear to pull away, catch a bomb and score a 77-yard touchdown.
What should have been a titanic clash full of thunder and lightning ended up being mainly a game of disappointment. Jacoby Jones did nothing filling in for the Texans, Julio Jones scored 3 points, then pulled his hamstring, and Kevin Boss didn’t have a single catch in a win.
Meanwhile, Orton was started in place of Ben (5 TD passes), and then benched in-game in favor of Tim Tebow (0 TD passes, wing back offense). And even though DeAngelo Williams finally had a good game, McFadden only had 6.8 points in a win.
By the way, John Fox has declared Tebow to be the Week 7 starter already, which brings me to two points. One, Tim Tebow is fucking awful. There is a lot of overlap between people who think Tim Tebow will make a good QB and people who think Rick Perry will make a good President. Two, Kyle Orton will be on a different team next year and he will be surprisingly good. Looking at you, Seattle.
This game will not be aired on NFL Replay this week. However, the Nev-R-Wins did just show the rest of the league the blueprint for beating the Crusaders – make sure their players don’t have good games.
THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 91.50 – IRON CITY POUNDERS 64.62
The Elbow doesn’t play close games, that’s for darn sure. And despite being Toyota’s Shitbox of the Week two weeks in a row, the Elbow now has the 2nd-best record in the league, Kress division. Jason Campbell was one of three Raiders to have decent games in a win for AL. The others were Darrius Heyward-Bey(!) and Janikowski. Janikowski, who the Elbow also has.
The Pounders got 40 points from 3 players, and only 64 total. Not exactly the depth one needs to make a long run in the playoffs.
FIREROCK ROCKERS 163 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 97.86
At this point last season, the Rockers were 0-5 and going nowhere slowly. This season, they are an unstoppable juggernaut, smashing everything in their path with cold calculation. They are only 400 points short of last season’s entire total, and they have 8 games left. Twice this season, they’ve had the win clinched with one player left on Monday night to do a victory lap, and both times that player lit it up. Jahvid Best’s 88-yard TD run last night was like TK doing donuts on Webster’s lawn just to rub it in.
And it’s nice to see that Eli was able to help somebody out after his fucking last-minute INT killed 90% of the survivor pool picks in the USA, including mine. Dick.
This game would’ve been extremely ugly if not for Cam and Green-Ellis going off. We might’ve seen the first 100-point victory in WVFL history.
WHIZ-BANG GANG 115.94 – HAWKS 85.60
I was about to write about how the WBG is 2-3, but with a respectable point total and decent players and that if they can just weather this early-season barrage of points against, maybe they can make a run. Then I looked at the schedule and noticed that they play the Rockers next week. But let’s talk about this win and save talk about them falling to 2-4 for Friday.
AJ Green is basically the next Calvin Johnson. Tall, fast, great hands and putting up points despite being the only option on a terrible team. Dwayne Bowe is currently in the middle of his standard 8-game explosion, which is awesome while it’s happening, and awful when you need it during the fantasy playoffs. And a below-average game from Rodgers still netted 24 points.
For the Hawks, Eric Decker managed 2 catches for -4 yards and -0.40 points, which is extremely hard for a receiver to accomplish. Bye week fill-in Dexter McCluster performed about as expected, which is to say he was utterly useless.
By the way, I predicted the WBG to have 115 points in the Week 5 Preview. No big deal. Just a genius, is all.
ATLAS SHRUGGZ 91.76 – DEATHFROMABOVE 90.74
Well, there are a lot of ways to break this one down. The fact that Atlas won with only 91 points, a decidedly 2008-era winning total. The fact that the Shruggz left an extra 27 points on the bench because they didn’t think the Chiefs could score against the Colts. The fact that DFA was an impressive, undefeated team that did absolutely nothing. The fact that if DFA started the Oakland defense instead of the god-awful Philly defense (which I pointed out was terrible and a bad matchup against the Bills), they would’ve won. The fact that I predicted the Shruggz would win this game 93-91 (!!!!!!!!!!). The fact that Jermichael Finley dropped a pass at the goal line that would’ve given DFA the win.
Yep…pretty interesting game right there.
BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 112.34 – PURPLE SWIRLS 108.46
Reports from the Swirls locker room after this game have Mike Vick screaming that if he played like he should have, the Swirls would’ve won and they “Wouldn’t be in this fucking mess right now!” Drew Brees, normally the calm leader, screamed back that Vick shouldn’t even be on this team and that it makes no sense to carry two top-tier QBs on one fantasy team. Brees also added that he doesn't think any WVFL teams should trade for Vick or Brees to help bail Caulen odd, which is an extremely odd and specific comment from an NFL player.
At that point, the entire defense stood up as a unit and pointed out that they posted 22 points, which is rare in this league. At THAT point, Swirls owner Caulen Kress allegedly remarked that he wished that Al Davis wasn’t the only owner who died on Saturday. Things are a mess for the Swirls, as they are now 1 game behind Brookline and the Elbow, teams the Swirls have outscored by 180 and 224 points, respectively.
But hey, when Pierre Garcon is playing with Curtis Pointer, he’s likely to put up 24 points. That’s just how it is.