LAST WEEK: 5-1
You know how much money you could make in Las Vegas (or Bermuda) if you went 22-8 on NFL picks? I have a gift, people! A record like that at least deserves an appearance on the right column of Yahoo Fantasy Football. Fat Brandon Funston ain’t goin’ no 22-8.
Able to forecast fantasy football AND handsome, too? It’s almost unfair.
THE NEV-R-WINS (3-2) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (3-2)
The Nev-R-Wins are America’s Team, just like Dallas. Like Dallas in that sense that we’ve declared ourselves America’s Team, and nobody else agrees with that in the slightest.
Adrian Peterson is a volatile chemical compound this season. At times, he’s practically inert and safe for rail transport. At other times, he’s completely explosive, wiping out all that crosses his path. But if Jahvid Best can gash Chicago, why can’t AP? And if Felix Jones doesn’t go way, way off against New England, he never will.
Michael Turner has gained something like 30% of his total rushing yards this season on just two long runs. He seriously is terrible and it’s past time that everybody recognizes this. Carolina pulls off the upset this week, and Turner is held to 6 points. Book it. And the Niner defense is really good this year, so look for them to keep Stafford a little behind schedule this week. If you don’t think coaching is important in the NFL, you should know that all the 49ers basically did was exchange a comically inept coach for a good, smart coach, sign one defensive lineman, and now they’re 4-1 and basically a lock to win their division. You also are probably a straw man that I just invented to make my own argument.
THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 104 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 90
THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW (2-3) at DEATHFROMABOVE (4-1)
The Elbow had 90 points last week, and they might be lucky to get half of that this week. Jason Campbell faces a good pass defense in the Browns, and Brian Hartline is…well, come on. Cedric Benson is averaging a plain Jane 3 yards a carry, which is like taking two steps and just falling over. And Tim Hightower lost his starting job to two different guys already. The only positive is that DeSean Jackson is guaranteed to catch a 70-yard touchdown because DeAngelo Hall will try to play aggressive press coverage on him. This is due to the fall that Hall thinks he is good when he is actually quite terrible.
Both teams in this matchup are starting two tight ends. That’s just weird, even in a bye week. Speaking of weird bye week starts, say hello to Titus Young, everybody!
THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 88 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 50
LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (1-4) at BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT (2-3)
The two apples of Marlin Collingwood’s eyes. The two men whose PR work for the Pennsylvania Tourism Board got people to say, “You know what? I WOULD like to take a family vacation to Oil City this year.” The two guys I know who actually care who the Pirates’ Opening Day pitcher is. The two guys who stood there in mouth agape amazement as I became the first person in Bozell Kamstra history to successfully toss a hackey sack up on to an exposed duct pipe and get it to sit there.
Jeff. And. Scott.
Web has Cam this week, and the aforementioned upset on deck, so that’ll be nice points, but the rest of the lineup has thrown a rod like the Blues Brothers’ police cruiser. Green-Ellis is dinged up and missed a practice Thursday, Daniel Thomas will go nowhere against the Jets, and even though Earnest Graham is starting for the Bucs, if I know anything about Tampa, they’re going to be down 17-3 at halftime, limiting Graham’s carries.
Skip Henry gets Rashard Spindenhall back this week, which is good, but Matt Schaub is facing Baltimore, which is bad. Schaub is just a touch (read: incredibly) skittish against the blitz, and will throw at least 2 picks, guaranteed. So between Brown, Miller and Dancedenhall, Skip really needs a big Steelers win here.
Fun Fact: Brookline has Ricky Williams on their roster for some reason.
THE PICK: BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 87 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 74
IRON CITY POUNDERS (2-3) at PURPLE SWIRLS (1-4)
Vick is getting the Swirls start this week, so look for a huge game from Brees. What Caulen should do is switch his starting QB at 12:59pm Sunday and try to catch the universe off guard. Then when the Fates think they’re giving his backup QB a nice game, they’re actually helping his starting guy.
True, Greek mythology usually doesn’t end up for humans who trifle with the gods, but what do the Swirls have left to lose at this point? Besides more games, I mean?
Anyway, this is the week the Swirls finally get a win and begin their rehab tour. Steve Smith will be huge in a Carolina upset, Miles Austin will have at least 10 points, and Ryan Torain will torch the Eagles in the first half before Mike Shanahan benches him for some unknown reason.
Matt Forte sure does get the ball a lot. Remember two years ago when he was a fantasy bust? I bet TK wishes he had Forte now instead of then.
THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 95 – IRON CITY POUNDERS 77
HAWKS (1-4) at ST. A’S CRUSADERS (4-1)
How long do I actually have to discuss this game for the sake of politeness? It’s not going to be very close. The Crusaders can beat everybody except me.
THE PICK: ST. A’S CRUSADERS 110 – HAWKS 88
FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-0) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (2-3)
Brandon Marshall, who was actually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder after volunteering for a clinical study this summer, told a media scrum that he needs to start being himself on the field. Somehow, in his mind, that involves fighting and getting kicked out of the game. In fact, Marshall all but guaranteed he’d only play a half before getting tossed. His rationale was that the Dolphins are losing because they’re playing in a bubble and they need to be themselves. Personally, I think they’re losing because Reggie Bush sucks and Matt Moore is their QB now. I also think Marshall’s prescription ran out.
This game is a tough call. Both teams have guys that can explode or disappoint, depending on which way the wind blows. Wallace is good for a 40+-yard touchdown sure, but do you want to make a living trying to predict Eli?
Screw it, picked an upset last week, picking an upset this week.
THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 125.2 – FIREROCK ROCKERS 125.1