LAST WEEK: 6-0
Owwwwwwwwwwww! Six and zero! Whatever else happens this season – hell, this decade – my fantasy football career is now officially a success. The perfect week! The white whale of this white male.
I can’t even imagine how much respect you all must have for right now. And I humbly accept said respect.
THE NEV-R-WINS (4-2) at PURPLE SWIRLS (2-4)
Caulen is trying to convince his team that this is just another game for them, but they’ve been foaming at the mouth since Monday morning. They’ve already tired themselves out. Advantage: MK.
Caulen's subferior record meant he got DeMarco Murray off the waiver wire, forcing me to regather and pick up Maurice Morris. And then today the Cowboys announced that Murray will be splitting carries, while the Lions plan to ride Morris hard and put him away wet. Advantage: MK.
Beanie Wells is going nowhere against the Steelers, and Ryan Torain is useless. Holmes and Jacoby Jones might not do a ton, but they’re not Beanie bad. Advantage: MK
Caulen will have a better draft pick than me next season. Advantage: CK
THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 94 – PURPLE SWIRLS 85
THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW (2-4) at BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT (3-3)
Toyota is currently in discussion to change the title of Toyota’s Biggest Blowout to Toyota’s Elbow Loss of the Week. It’s just a matter of Nate being willing to swallow his pride and accept the $90 licensing fee. I mean, when your opponent has only 60 points, the 2nd-worst total of the week, and you STILL end up in the blowout widget? Good God.
How bad are things for the Elbow? They rushed to pick up Carson Palmer. Meanwhile, their best player, Sebastian Janikowski, may be out this week with a hamstring issue. Last week’s total of 36 might inspire envy after this week. Why no Tebow? The man IS the people’s elbow.
Brookline has 200 total points fewer than the Swirls. Brookline is starting the backup running back on an 0-5 team. After this week, Brookline will be 2 games ahead of the Swirls in the standing. Life, man. Life.
THE PICK: BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 59 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 16
LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (1-5) at HACKS (1-5)
This game won’t be broadcast, even on local radio. It has all the explosive potential of a wet match.
Rivers and Mathews face a decent Jets defense that is probably slightly upset, and Eric Decker won’t see too many (read: none at all) well-thrown balls from Tebow. Steven Jackson is going nowhere against Dallas, and Dez only plays the first half for some reason. Look for another name change after this week. Superhacks, perhaps.
And while the All Stars aren’t all that great either, Cam will be carrying two shitty teams to a win against a shittier opponent this week.
LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 80 – HACKS 65
IRON CITY POUNDERS (2-4) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-1)
If you’re looking for some bye week craziness, look at the Rocker roster. Colt McCoy, Doug Baldwin and Roy Helu all get the starting call for the Rockers this week. If TK actually watches that 17-13 Seattle/Cleveland shitbog, then he is truly way, way, way too into fantasy football. Watching that game is just a cry for help, even if you’re a Browns or Seahawks fan.
The Pounders won’t exactly light it up themselves, but Forte and McGahee should be enough to get them through this one. I’m sure TK will really enjoy Forte tearing it up against him after Forte so thoroughly screwed him over a couple of years ago.
THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 91 – FIREROCK ROCKERS 78
ST. A’S CRUSADERS (5-1) at DEATHFROMABOVE (5-1)
The mirror image of the All Stars/Hacks game. Meaning, it is reversed. That one has a pair of 1-5 teams squaring off, this one has a pair of 5-1 teams battling for control of the league at the halfway point. And the trash talk has already started, with the Crusaders asking DFA who they’re going to put in when Hillis sits out this week.
But even if he plays, what is Hillis even going to do? I know you’re all stunned that a big, white running back isn’t following up on a great, out-of-nowhere season, but that’s what’s happening. A weirder version of the Madden curse. Things didn’t get better for Hillis this week when GM Mike Holmgren announced that he’s fine with Hillis testing the free agent market this summer. When your boss says he doesn’t mind you leaving next year – and it’s week SEVEN – it’s probably not going well for you.
The Crusaders will continue beating everybody but me.
THE PICK: ST. A’S CRUSADERS 121 – DEATHFROMABOVE 89
WHIZ-BANG GANG (3-3) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (3-3)
Brandon Lloyd is going to a new system, on an 0-5 team, and his quarterback this week will be A.J. Feeley. That is not a recipe for points. Fat Michael Turner will not run against Detroit and Shonn Greene sucks. Plus, seeing Roy Williams in person might finally get the British away from their “love” of American football.
This is all to say that the WBG are extremely lucky to be playing the Shruggz in a week they have to start Ryan Grant.
THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 87 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 68