LAST WEEK: 4-2
THE NEV-R-WINS (7-3) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (6-4)
The Hullabaloo over Division 2! The War Of Who Wants It More! TK vs. MK! A! Big! Game!
A win this week puts me a little bit closer to a bye week. A win for Firerocks gives him the division lead if he wins by enough points. Although 4 from Dustin Keller last night is not a great head start. Though I have my own troubles. Foster is on a bye, Maclin is hurt and Frank Gore isn’t hurt enough. That trident of misery is forcing me to start both Maurice Morris and Kendall Hunter while knowing they probably won’t do all that much.
On the other hand, counting on MJD and Roy Helu can’t inspire all that much confidence, either. Plus, Stevie Johnson is questionable (and invisible lately anyway).
Hmm. Well, when I don’t have Peterson and Foster playing I lose, so…
THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 91 – THE NEV-R-WINS 83
THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW (2-8) at HACKS (4-6)
The Elbow literally don’t have enough active players to fill out a full lineup card this week, and whether or not Nate cares enough to actually pick up a new guy is currently listed as Doubtful. Benson and Beanie face stout run defenses, Early Doucet sucks and Jonathan Baldwin will get to find out what college would’ve been like if went to school at the same time as Tyler Palko. Breaking 30 would be a significant accomplishment for the Elbow this week, and I am not kidding.
If the WVFL awarded points for diving full outstretched for a wobbly pass that’s leading you by too much, Eric Decker would’ve put up 15 points last night. As it is, he posted a 0. He also is playing Chris Ogbonnaya. But what does any of it matter? They’re going to score 50 points and stay technically alive in the playoff hunt.
THE PICK: HACKS 50 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 29
LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (2-8) at ST. A’S CRUSADERS (8-2)
Tim Tebow is so bad at passing that he won’t even be a good passer in Heaven. He’s the kind of guy dads want their daughters to date, mainly because Tebow won’t try to have sex with them. And his showy piety (despite being at odds with the advice of the New Testament) fits perfectly with a country that has 10,000-seat churches. Shoot, he’s like the entirety of the GOP Presidential field – religious, inept, in over his head and finding more success at every turn. Tim Tebow had 16 points last night.
But can Tebow’s miraculous healing powers lead to a Crusaders win? They have no kicker this week (and, like me, may have forgotten that the Thursday game freezes all transactions for the week), and Damian Williams is forced into the lineup due to byes.
I so desperately want to call for the upset in this game, but have you seen that All Star lineup? At the risk of offending Tim Tebow’s delicate ears, Jesus Fucking Christ With A Limp are they bad.
THE PICK: ST. A’S CRUSADERS 78 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 67
IRON CITY POUNDERS (4-6) at WHIZ-BANG GANG
The WBG is openly begging to be eliminated from the playoffs so they can stop caring about their shitty team, shades of George Constanza lamenting, “They keep pulling me back in!” which in itself was a Godfather parody. The thing is, win or lose this week, they will neither clinch a spot nor be officially eliminated. They’ll still be stuck in the creamy nougat center, starting Kregg Lumpkin. Aaron Rodgers is wasted on this team, like somebody hanging “Starry Night” in the bathroom of their double-wide.
Between Lynch and Hauschka, the Pounders are rolling out two Seahawks this week. I sincerely hope that they will not be going to a Buffalo Wild Wings in order to watch the Seattle/St. Louis game to follow their players. It’s not worth it, man.
THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 91 – WHIZ-BANG GANG 70
DEATHFROMABOVE (6-4) at BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT (6-4)
Thanks to total points, DFA could probably withstand a loss here and stay alive in the playoffs. But because Brookine’s offense is so…let’s say shy…they must win this one to stay alive. Having two receivers combine for 10 points because Mark Sanchez was the 2nd-best QB in a game featuring Tim Tebow is not much help. Plus, Frank Gore is dinged up so even if he plays this week, he’ll be limited. Scott Henry, the dream ends this week. Side note: Please start dreaming than just making the WVFL playoffs. You can do better.
The Cowboys are going to find a way to lose to the Redskins, and it will probably be on the back on 3 Tony Romo turnovers. That is just what happens every time America thinks Romo and the Cowboys are finally good. But it really shouldn’t matter to this game too much.
THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 81 – BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 69
ATLAS SHRUGGZ (6-4) at PURPLE SWIRLS (4-6)
1.4 points from Shonn Greene before he hurt some part of his body (Ribs? His offal?) and leaving the game. But 1.4 points is actually a pretty good game for Greene, so no complaints.
This game features Hakeem Nicks and Mario Manningham on one side, DeSean Jackson and LeSean McCoy on the other, and that allows me to discuss the following Eagles tidbits. First, Juan Castillo this week defended Andy Reid by saying Reid works 20 or 21 hours a day. This is impossible both physically and logically. If it were true, Reid would be as gaunt as Christian Bale in The Machinist. Thought it’s possible that the only vegetable he eats is school cafeteria pizza. And also, he spends 120 hours a week on a game plan and can’t figure out to not pass so much when Michael Vick is an inaccurate tackling dummy?
Second, DeSean Jackson was benched this weekend after missing a team meeting. The original reason given was a faulty alarm clock, until on Monday when Jackson gave an interview and all but admitted that he told his teammates he skipped the meeting because he’s unhappy about his contract. The Eagles are the only team around more dysfunctional than the Swirls.
Which is why the Swirls will win even with Matt Moore only scoring 7 points. They’ll win just to make it seem like they can make the playoffs…right up until they lose in Week 13, 121-119, and blow the whole thing.
THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 110 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 101