Tuesday, November 29, 2011

WVFL Week 12 Review

WHIZ-BANG GANG 95.48 – THE NEV-R-WINS 91.04

Complaining about fantasy losses with Caulen in the same league right now is a bit tacky. It’s like complaining about a stubbed toe to somebody who’s been decapitated in a car accident but still has sentience for a weird 2 seconds before dying. I mean…it’s EXACTLY like that.

Point is, Mark Ingram scored the garbage touchdown to end all garbage touchdowns last night, and that one play is what gave the WBG the win here. On the other hand, I have Mark Ingram in my other league and that same touchdown gave me a cheap win, keeping me alive in the playoff race over there. So it’s not all bad.

Speaking of playoffs, I’m going to need more than 2.7 total points from 3 receivers if I’m going to go very far.

Larry begged some mystical power (Gaia, Zeus, God, G-d, Yahweh, Allah, Mork…take your pick) to let them beat me before he got knocked out of the playoffs. And then C.J. Spiller and Jabar Gaffney combined for 14 points. What more proof of a higher power do you need?

THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 121.14 – ST. A’S CRUSADERS 104.02

Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Look at this! A nice reminder for the Crusaders that any team can lose to anybody at any time! And right before the playoffs, too! Don’t believe the mighty Crusaders have anything to worry about? Well, you never know when Beanie Wells will rush for 200+ yards (maybe this one time ever), Janikowski will kick 6 field goals (probably pretty rare), and Cedric Benson will have 19 points (comet-like rarity). The Holy Trinity of WVFL Kresses AVERAGED 133 points this week.

Jimmy Graham is basically unguardable, but he needed more than 20 points. And since the Saints we able to run up and down the entire field at will, John Kasay only kicked 7 extra points and no field goals. Meanwhile, Jordy Nelson took Thanksgiving off and Ray Rice was limited.

You know who else thought they’d roll all of the opposition with nothing to worry about? The British Redcoats! Look out, Crusaders! The fantasy doom bell tolls for thee.

DEATHFROMABOVE 101.64 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS

With only a small deficit to overcome and Darren Sproles still to play, it seemed like DFA would win in a romp. But instead, the barely squeaked by the feisty-for-no-reason-whatsoever All Stars. It would’ve be a shame to waste Chris Johnson’s first good week in a loss. So it becomes a shame that the All Stars waste their only good game this season. Though their loss combined with an Elbow gives them the inside track at the #1 pick in 2012.

IRON CITY POUNDERS 116.28 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 77.94

Matt Forte, Larry Fitzgerald and Andre Johnson were the Pounders’ least productive players this week, and they still won handily. Greg Little, you are a tremendous asset to the team! And what in the world is Marshawn Lynch doing with himself this season? Maybe he’s really into Japanese chicks, and moving from Buffalo to Seattle brought out the best in him.

Michael Turner sucks, Steve Breaston is the 2nd option for Tyler Palko, and Mario Manningham missed the game with an injury. Oh, and Shonn Greene also sucks. All of these factors added up result in a not-so-fresh feeling come Tuesday morning.

HACKS 74.82 – BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 68.28

Leave it to Brookline to surprise the league with a nice winning run, get right to the cusp of clinching a playoff spot, and then fall right back into mediocrity with a wet fart of a week. Had Brookline started Plaxico or Santonio over Torrey Smith, they win and clinch a spot. But I guess he preferred spending Thanksgiving night with his loved ones, the entire group watching a rookie receiver with one skill struggle against a great defense.

The Hacks have the 6th seed at the moment, but they are holding onto a greased tree with wet, soapy hands. (NOTE: Read that to yourself with a Southern accent for full effect.) This roster has an odd mix of disappointing big names and names you have to Google to get the spelling correct. But hey, a 74-point win is a win, and one that Caulen would gladly take right now.

FIREROCK ROCKERS 148.44 – PURPLE SWIRLS 130.32

Oh my God. Oh Lord. This is hilarious. Not only did the Rockers score 148, they left another 70 on their bench. While Drew Brees was surgically destroying the Giants, racking up 37 points, seemingly propelling Caulen to a win, Firerock was responding with 32 point from Victor Cruz and another 10 from Brandon Jacobs. Mike Wallace had 1.7 and Jason Hanson had 1, and it didn’t even matter a little bit. To be sure, the Rockers shot their full wad this week, and will only score 60 next week.

Caulen played the perfect lineup this week. Left no extra points on the bench. Scored the 2nd-most points this week. Scored almost twice as much as the Hacks did in their win. And they still lost. If you’re wondering what effect this lost had on Caulen – a loss that gave him the highest points against in the league by about 80 points – a loss that gave him only the faintest glimmer of playoff hopes – a loss that knocked the 2nd-highest scoring team in theleague down to the bottom of his division – you should know that he approached me this morning asking to write the playoff preview as a form a cathartic release. Prepare yourself for a 13-page, single-spaced stream of consciousness rant that will make the Unabomer look calm and measured in comparison.

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