LAST WEEK: 4-2
THE NEV-R-WINS (6-2) at BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT (4-4)
Welp, I’m awesome again. Sorry, everyone. Now, it won’t be as easy this week with AP’s 20 points on a bye, but I’ll figure out how to make do. Mainly because I have the other best back in the league, Arian Foster. And hopefully Foster does so well that he’s given the 4th quarter off, since byes are forcing me to also start his backup, Ben Tate.
Holmes and Washington return to face their old teams, so expect them both to disappoint.
I wish Skip Henry didn’t have so many Steelers on his roster. Every red zone trip Sunday is going to leave me spinning, trying to figure out who’s on the field and who I want to get the ball. This one is actually going to be a bit tighter than I usual prefer. I like gaping wins that make my opponent why they even bother playing fantasy football. Because I am a jerk and a small person.
THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 88 – BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 85
THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW (2-6) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-3)
If there’s a medicinal balm for a 3-game losing streak, it’s playing the Elbow. This is such a gift in the schedule that it’s almost suspicious. Like a rich family all giving each other $59,000 for Christmas so they can lower their collective tax load. I’m not even going to bother discussing the Elbow lineup or what their players may (but most likely won’t) achieve. It’d like telling a guy his shoe is untied when a Predator drone is five minutes away from locking in on him. What’s the point. Two metaphors in one paragraph! Ties a personal best!
Speaking of Predator drones, I wonder what it would be like to live in a country where people care that their government is using high-tech robots to assassinate people based on secret “evidence.” I bet it would be neat. Hey, how about that Kardashian divorce?!
THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 91 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 50
LOWCOUNTRY ALL-STARS (2-6) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (3-5)
Ahmad Bradshaw has a broken foot again and is maybe playing, maybe not. Javon Ringer is still technically a backup, plus he’s facing a fantastic defense. But those are still better options than what Web is rolling out. Especially because Daniel Thomas just mysteriously misses games from time to time.
The WBG also has the better options at receiver, and the best option at QB in the league. But who’s the better friend out of Larry and Jeff? I will decide based on who wins this game.
THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 105 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 77
IRON CITY POUNDERS (3-5) at ST. A’S CRUSADERS (7-1)
The Crusaders will win because they aren’t playing me and those are the games they win. But let’s look at specifically how they’ll win anyway. We may not have to look farther than the Pounders’ stable of running backs. McGahee has a broken hand and might be held out, James Starks blows (I don’t care what people say), Lynch is probably hurt but is definitely on a terrible team and Bernard Scott is back to the bench because Marvin Lewis dislikes how he’s faster and better than Cedric Benson. So none of that will help the Pounders.
Of course, Reggie Bush will have weak legs on Sunday after spending the weekend pounding Kim Kardashian, and Joseph Addai sucks. And Malcom Floyd and Jordy Nelson both either score 2 points or 17. No in between. So where does this leave us? That is a fantastic question.
Well…don’t be stunned if Matt Ryan struggles and Indy actually pulls off the upset. Don’t be stunned.
Anyway, Crusaders will win because they aren’t playing me, the only team they can’t beat.
THE PICK: ST. A’S CRUSADERS 91 – IRON CITY POUNDERS 87
HACKS (3-5) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (5-3)
Ryan Mathews is out, Julio Jones is just returning from a blown hamstring, Hakeem Nicks is hurt, Michael Turner sucks and Steven Jackson blew his wad last week. Lotta problems with the players in this one, yes sir. Speaking of Mathews getting the start while hurt, the Hacks literally have no other option on their roster thanks to Jon Stewart’s bye week and a preponderance of useless receivers clogging up the locker room. And there aren’t any good FA options. Trust me, I checked after realizing I was starting two backs from the same team.
But the Shruggz aren’t looking so hot either.
THE PICK: HACKS 83 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 81
DEATHFROMABOVE (5-3) at PURPLE SWIRLS (3-5)
Thanks to me, the Swirls are now only the 3rd-highest scoring team in the league, which is barely respectable. And they’re only 1 game out of the playoff race, which takes away their amusing storyline for the season. Fortunately, we still have the Brees/Vick thing to chuckle about.
Caulen is starting Vick this week, which means bet $1,000 apiece on the Bears and the Saints this week. DeSean Jackson makes his way into the Swirls lineup following an odd brotherly trade involving one guy who used to be good and another guy who will never be good. But LeSean McCoy and the Waiver Wire Wrunners will point up some nice points.
As for DFA, Chris Johnson is going to be sued for fraud by the Titans soon, and Peyton Hillis is so weird this season. Who knew that a plodding, bruising tailback couldn’t have two good seasons in a row?
You know what? Swirls win and get in the playoff race this week.
THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 110 (with 22 QB points on the bench) – DEATHFROMABOVE 88