LAST WEEK: 4-2
THE NEV-R-WINS (5-2) at IRON CITY POUNDERS (3-4)
Watching Tom Brady sit in the pocket unmolested, dumping off crossing route after crossing route as the Patriots march up and down the field is going to drive me crazy on Sunday. A) I’m not psychotic enough that having my fantasy guys score points against my real team makes me feel good. B) I’m not going to need a lot of points to beat the Pounders.
Side note: This is Tom Brady’s 12th year in the league. 12th! Where the fuck life is my life going in such a hurry?
Second side note: Last week, I realized that if Chris Berman’s awful references were modern and not encased in amber, my other running back would be known as Arian Foster “The People.”
New Nev-R-Win Jeremy Maclin (Philly’s actual #1 receiver as opposed to that small, fast guy) is going to put up 100 yards and a TD just to impress his new teammates. So that’ll be nice of him.
As for the Pounders, they’re starting both backs in the Seattle/Cincinnati tilt, which will probably resemble the 6-3 Seattle/Cleveland barnburner last week. At the flex spot, their options are Andre Johnson or Willis McGahee, who are both out this week with injuries, or four guys on bye weeks. They also have a kicker on a bye week.
They shoulda pulled off some awesome trades this week, like I did!
THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 108 – IRON CITY POUNDERS 70
THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW (2-5) at LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (1-5)
Somebody is going to write a book about this Elbow season when it’s all said and done. It’ll be like that Enron book about how it all fell apart. Hopefully, it talks about how after one week on the Raiders, new Elbow Carson Palmer admitted that he only knew 15 plays when he was put in against the Chiefs. And that Palmer and coach Hue Jackson already disagree about whether or not Carson said he’d go into the game.
Their current roster includes two guys on IR (aka, out for the season), one of which they traded for. A Colts QB who isn’t officially on IR yet, but might as well be, another QB who knows fewer plays than the original Tecmo Bowl had, and a third QB for whom dressing up on Halloween is redundant. They have an injured kicker who’s also on a bye this week.
The Elbow are the creamiest of puffs this week, and a win will barely be noticed by the team they play this week.
THE PICK: LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 70 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 41
HACKS (2-5) at DEATHFROMABOVE (5-2)
Tony Romo recently announced that his beauty pageant wife is all pregged up. If that woman has any sense, she’ll ban Tony from being anywhere near her during the last month of the pregnancy so he doesn’t figure some new and unique way to screw up the baby.
If Chris Johnson doesn’t get it moving this week, he never will. If he was as quick through the hole as he is to retort to his detractors, maybe he wouldn’t be struggling so much. On another note, I am currently 32-10 in picking fantasy football matchups, and even I have no idea who Jake Ballard is.
The Rams will be trailing after the Saints’ first possession, and their QB is AJ again this week, so Steven Jackson is going to be limited by circumstance. And being a Ravens receiver is like being a Flyers goalie. It doesn’t matter how good you used to be, moving to either one of those teams makes you useless.
THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 81 – HACKS 77
FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-2) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (4-3)
Apparently, the Rockers are really committed to this Detroit Lions meme. A surprising 5-0 start where the offense couldn’t be stopped, followed by 2 losses that have everybody wondering if the magic is already gone. With Detroit going into Denver to face the 13th Apostle this week, God only knows what’s about to happen. Literally.
Belichick will probably figure out some way to bottle up Mike Wallace, even if it involves a double-team jam at the line with a safety 50 yards off of the line. Plus the Rockers have Michael Jenkins in the lineup.
And yet…their opponent is missing his top two backs due to byes. Which means the Shruggz have to resort to playing Delone Carter at a pissed-off Titans defense, and Ronnie Brown. Yes, the same Ronnie Brown who tried to lateral at the goal line, the same Ronnie Brown that the Eagles tried to trade but couldn’t because Jerome Harrison has a brain tumor. I’m gonna say that when a team tries to trade a dude and can’t due to circumstances, he shouldn’t be on your fantasy roster, let alone starting. At least grab Ryan Grant from waivers or something. Javon Ringer. Somebody. Anybody.
THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 94 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 66
ST. A’S CRUSADERS (6-1) at BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT (4-3)
Don’t look now, but Brookline is above .500 and currently holding on to the final playoff spot thanks to a 3-game winning streak. This despite having scored the 2nd-fewest points in the league while having the 4th-most points again. They have 200 points fewer than the Swirls…but 2 more wins. Life, man! Life!
I’m not entirely sure why this is, but whenever a team’s backup QB comes in as the starter, the #2 WR almost always becomes the #1 guy. I’m not sure why this is. It can’t be reps, because Curtis Painter famously never got reps in practice with Manning around. And besides, wouldn’t the #4 WR become the backup’s choice since they’d be working together? Anyway, whatever it is, Garcon is now the man in Indy. And Antonio Brown is becoming the new Hines Ward. Things looking up for Brookline. Not this week, though.
The Crusaders have Tim Tebow, which seems fitting.
THE PICK: ST. A’S CRUSADERS 100 – BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 83
WHIZ-BANG GANG (3-4) at PURPLE SWIRLS (2-5)
The All-Unjust League title game. If fantasy team defenses were real, these two would be spectacular…ly bad. (Side note: Do tortured Seinfeld references still work?)
Mark Ingram is out this week, so the WBG will be starting Stevan Ridley, which is more than the Patriots will be doing. Aaron Rodgers is out this week on a bye, so the only good thing about the WBG offense is missing. And was replaced by…Alex Smith. Not sure if this is an actual strategic move, or just a funny riff on the 2004 NFL Draft.
Caulen is starting Brees over Vick, so look out Dallas! He’s also starting Ryan Torain again, as if to prove a point. And he’s starting DeMarco Murray this time, so expect 1 point from Murray.
Still. Alex Smith?
THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 106 – WHIZ-BANG GANG 80