Friday, October 28, 2011

WVFL Week 8 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2

SEASON: 32-10

THE NEV-R-WINS (5-2) at IRON CITY POUNDERS (3-4)

Watching Tom Brady sit in the pocket unmolested, dumping off crossing route after crossing route as the Patriots march up and down the field is going to drive me crazy on Sunday. A) I’m not psychotic enough that having my fantasy guys score points against my real team makes me feel good. B) I’m not going to need a lot of points to beat the Pounders.

Side note: This is Tom Brady’s 12th year in the league. 12th! Where the fuck life is my life going in such a hurry?

Second side note: Last week, I realized that if Chris Berman’s awful references were modern and not encased in amber, my other running back would be known as Arian Foster “The People.”

New Nev-R-Win Jeremy Maclin (Philly’s actual #1 receiver as opposed to that small, fast guy) is going to put up 100 yards and a TD just to impress his new teammates. So that’ll be nice of him.

As for the Pounders, they’re starting both backs in the Seattle/Cincinnati tilt, which will probably resemble the 6-3 Seattle/Cleveland barnburner last week. At the flex spot, their options are Andre Johnson or Willis McGahee, who are both out this week with injuries, or four guys on bye weeks. They also have a kicker on a bye week.

They shoulda pulled off some awesome trades this week, like I did!

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 108 – IRON CITY POUNDERS 70

THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW (2-5) at LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (1-5)

Somebody is going to write a book about this Elbow season when it’s all said and done. It’ll be like that Enron book about how it all fell apart. Hopefully, it talks about how after one week on the Raiders, new Elbow Carson Palmer admitted that he only knew 15 plays when he was put in against the Chiefs. And that Palmer and coach Hue Jackson already disagree about whether or not Carson said he’d go into the game.

Their current roster includes two guys on IR (aka, out for the season), one of which they traded for. A Colts QB who isn’t officially on IR yet, but might as well be, another QB who knows fewer plays than the original Tecmo Bowl had, and a third QB for whom dressing up on Halloween is redundant. They have an injured kicker who’s also on a bye this week.

The Elbow are the creamiest of puffs this week, and a win will barely be noticed by the team they play this week.

THE PICK: LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 70 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 41

HACKS (2-5) at DEATHFROMABOVE (5-2)

Tony Romo recently announced that his beauty pageant wife is all pregged up. If that woman has any sense, she’ll ban Tony from being anywhere near her during the last month of the pregnancy so he doesn’t figure some new and unique way to screw up the baby.

If Chris Johnson doesn’t get it moving this week, he never will. If he was as quick through the hole as he is to retort to his detractors, maybe he wouldn’t be struggling so much. On another note, I am currently 32-10 in picking fantasy football matchups, and even I have no idea who Jake Ballard is.

The Rams will be trailing after the Saints’ first possession, and their QB is AJ again this week, so Steven Jackson is going to be limited by circumstance. And being a Ravens receiver is like being a Flyers goalie. It doesn’t matter how good you used to be, moving to either one of those teams makes you useless.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 81 – HACKS 77

FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-2) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (4-3)

Apparently, the Rockers are really committed to this Detroit Lions meme. A surprising 5-0 start where the offense couldn’t be stopped, followed by 2 losses that have everybody wondering if the magic is already gone. With Detroit going into Denver to face the 13th Apostle this week, God only knows what’s about to happen. Literally.

Belichick will probably figure out some way to bottle up Mike Wallace, even if it involves a double-team jam at the line with a safety 50 yards off of the line. Plus the Rockers have Michael Jenkins in the lineup.

And yet…their opponent is missing his top two backs due to byes. Which means the Shruggz have to resort to playing Delone Carter at a pissed-off Titans defense, and Ronnie Brown. Yes, the same Ronnie Brown who tried to lateral at the goal line, the same Ronnie Brown that the Eagles tried to trade but couldn’t because Jerome Harrison has a brain tumor. I’m gonna say that when a team tries to trade a dude and can’t due to circumstances, he shouldn’t be on your fantasy roster, let alone starting. At least grab Ryan Grant from waivers or something. Javon Ringer. Somebody. Anybody.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 94 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 66

ST. A’S CRUSADERS (6-1) at BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT (4-3)

Don’t look now, but Brookline is above .500 and currently holding on to the final playoff spot thanks to a 3-game winning streak. This despite having scored the 2nd-fewest points in the league while having the 4th-most points again. They have 200 points fewer than the Swirls…but 2 more wins. Life, man! Life!

I’m not entirely sure why this is, but whenever a team’s backup QB comes in as the starter, the #2 WR almost always becomes the #1 guy. I’m not sure why this is. It can’t be reps, because Curtis Painter famously never got reps in practice with Manning around. And besides, wouldn’t the #4 WR become the backup’s choice since they’d be working together? Anyway, whatever it is, Garcon is now the man in Indy. And Antonio Brown is becoming the new Hines Ward. Things looking up for Brookline. Not this week, though.

The Crusaders have Tim Tebow, which seems fitting.

THE PICK: ST. A’S CRUSADERS 100 – BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 83

WHIZ-BANG GANG (3-4) at PURPLE SWIRLS (2-5)

The All-Unjust League title game. If fantasy team defenses were real, these two would be spectacular…ly bad. (Side note: Do tortured Seinfeld references still work?)

Mark Ingram is out this week, so the WBG will be starting Stevan Ridley, which is more than the Patriots will be doing. Aaron Rodgers is out this week on a bye, so the only good thing about the WBG offense is missing. And was replaced by…Alex Smith. Not sure if this is an actual strategic move, or just a funny riff on the 2004 NFL Draft.

Caulen is starting Brees over Vick, so look out Dallas! He’s also starting Ryan Torain again, as if to prove a point. And he’s starting DeMarco Murray this time, so expect 1 point from Murray.

Still. Alex Smith?

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 106 – WHIZ-BANG GANG 80

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

WVFL Week 7 Review

THE NEV-R-WINS 126.86 – PURPLE SWIRLS 85.60

Nobody mention to Caulen that if he had started DeMarco Murray and Antonio Gates, he would’ve scored about 133 points and won this game. He’s already accepted this as a lost season and there’s no reason to pick at the scab. He knows that Ryan Torian had -0.5 points starting in place of Murray.

Related story – I picked up Murray in my other league, and also left his huge day on the bench. But I won that game anyway. Isn’t that just hilarious?

By the way, Caulen seemingly was waiting until Sunday to pick up a kicker to fill in for Akers’ bye. But you can’t pick up players on Sunday or Monday, so if this game was closer, it would’ve been interesting to see how frustrated Caulen got by the roster freeze.

Hey, how about that Arian Foster? He sure is something, isn’t he?

BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 85.94 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 63.84

What can even be said about the Elbow at this point? Yahoo only projected 41 points for the entire TEAM. They projected 0.12 points for Carson Palmer, the starting quarterback. Caulen Kress’ problem is leaving big points on the bench and facing great opponents each week. Nathan Kress’ problem is that all of the good players are on other teams.

Congrats, Brookline. You beat a guy in a wheelchair in a race uphill.

HACKS 91.26 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 57.24

All it took was a little self-loathing for the Hacks to finally get it in gear. That and playing a patsy of a playing partner. Cam Newton is responsible for all of the Panthers offense this year, and he was responsible for about 45% of the All Stars’ offense this week. At least Moss and Graham were able to contribute 2.8 points before going down with injuries.

Didn’t Anquan Boldin used to be good or something?

IRON CITY POUNDERS 95.12 – FIREROCK ROCKERS 57.12

No big deal, just another total upset I called. No big deal. Sure, Firerock being decimated by bye weeks helped, but whatever. Tashard Choice had -1.2 points, which is pretty astounding for a running back. And Roy Helu didn’t have enough points for the famed Choice-Helu combo to even reach 0. Two losses in a row for the Rockers now. Could the fact that they still use last year’s slogan, ONLY WAY IS UP?, be negatively affecting the team?

ST. A’S CRUSADERS 126.34 – DEATHFROMABOVE 83.64

Oooh, look at the Crusaders beating every team except me! Soooooo tough! Marques Colston had 21 points this week, which means he won’t break 6 for the next month. Which…probably just means more points for Jimmy Graham, actually.

Allow me to be the first person in the country to observe that Chris Johnson is utterly useless right now.

ATLAS SHRUGGZ 95.52 – WHIZ-BANG GANG 64.30

I’m not sure what to say about a team that rosters two defenses, but starts the one that has a bye week. Especially when they started a kicker in Week 1 who doesn’t have an NFL job. By the way, the team in question, WBG, is one game ahead of the Swirls in the standings.

Roy Williams had his best game of the year over in London. Maybe because the fans weren’t expecting as much? Also, Michael Turner still sucks.

Friday, October 21, 2011

WVFL Week 7 Preview

LAST WEEK: 6-0

SEASON: 28-8

Owwwwwwwwwwww! Six and zero! Whatever else happens this season – hell, this decade – my fantasy football career is now officially a success. The perfect week! The white whale of this white male.

I can’t even imagine how much respect you all must have for right now. And I humbly accept said respect.

THE NEV-R-WINS (4-2) at PURPLE SWIRLS (2-4)

Caulen is trying to convince his team that this is just another game for them, but they’ve been foaming at the mouth since Monday morning. They’ve already tired themselves out. Advantage: MK.

Caulen's subferior record meant he got DeMarco Murray off the waiver wire, forcing me to regather and pick up Maurice Morris. And then today the Cowboys announced that Murray will be splitting carries, while the Lions plan to ride Morris hard and put him away wet. Advantage: MK.

Beanie Wells is going nowhere against the Steelers, and Ryan Torain is useless. Holmes and Jacoby Jones might not do a ton, but they’re not Beanie bad. Advantage: MK

Caulen will have a better draft pick than me next season. Advantage: CK

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 94 – PURPLE SWIRLS 85

THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW (2-4) at BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT (3-3)

Toyota is currently in discussion to change the title of Toyota’s Biggest Blowout to Toyota’s Elbow Loss of the Week. It’s just a matter of Nate being willing to swallow his pride and accept the $90 licensing fee. I mean, when your opponent has only 60 points, the 2nd-worst total of the week, and you STILL end up in the blowout widget? Good God.

How bad are things for the Elbow? They rushed to pick up Carson Palmer. Meanwhile, their best player, Sebastian Janikowski, may be out this week with a hamstring issue. Last week’s total of 36 might inspire envy after this week. Why no Tebow? The man IS the people’s elbow.

Brookline has 200 total points fewer than the Swirls. Brookline is starting the backup running back on an 0-5 team. After this week, Brookline will be 2 games ahead of the Swirls in the standing. Life, man. Life.

THE PICK: BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 59 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 16

LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (1-5) at HACKS (1-5)

This game won’t be broadcast, even on local radio. It has all the explosive potential of a wet match.

Rivers and Mathews face a decent Jets defense that is probably slightly upset, and Eric Decker won’t see too many (read: none at all) well-thrown balls from Tebow. Steven Jackson is going nowhere against Dallas, and Dez only plays the first half for some reason. Look for another name change after this week. Superhacks, perhaps.

And while the All Stars aren’t all that great either, Cam will be carrying two shitty teams to a win against a shittier opponent this week.

LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 80 – HACKS 65

IRON CITY POUNDERS (2-4) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-1)

If you’re looking for some bye week craziness, look at the Rocker roster. Colt McCoy, Doug Baldwin and Roy Helu all get the starting call for the Rockers this week. If TK actually watches that 17-13 Seattle/Cleveland shitbog, then he is truly way, way, way too into fantasy football. Watching that game is just a cry for help, even if you’re a Browns or Seahawks fan.

The Pounders won’t exactly light it up themselves, but Forte and McGahee should be enough to get them through this one. I’m sure TK will really enjoy Forte tearing it up against him after Forte so thoroughly screwed him over a couple of years ago.

THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 91 – FIREROCK ROCKERS 78

ST. A’S CRUSADERS (5-1) at DEATHFROMABOVE (5-1)

The mirror image of the All Stars/Hacks game. Meaning, it is reversed. That one has a pair of 1-5 teams squaring off, this one has a pair of 5-1 teams battling for control of the league at the halfway point. And the trash talk has already started, with the Crusaders asking DFA who they’re going to put in when Hillis sits out this week.

But even if he plays, what is Hillis even going to do? I know you’re all stunned that a big, white running back isn’t following up on a great, out-of-nowhere season, but that’s what’s happening. A weirder version of the Madden curse. Things didn’t get better for Hillis this week when GM Mike Holmgren announced that he’s fine with Hillis testing the free agent market this summer. When your boss says he doesn’t mind you leaving next year – and it’s week SEVEN – it’s probably not going well for you.

The Crusaders will continue beating everybody but me.

THE PICK: ST. A’S CRUSADERS 121 – DEATHFROMABOVE 89

WHIZ-BANG GANG (3-3) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (3-3)

Brandon Lloyd is going to a new system, on an 0-5 team, and his quarterback this week will be A.J. Feeley. That is not a recipe for points. Fat Michael Turner will not run against Detroit and Shonn Greene sucks. Plus, seeing Roy Williams in person might finally get the British away from their “love” of American football.

This is all to say that the WBG are extremely lucky to be playing the Shruggz in a week they have to start Ryan Grant.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 87 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 68

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

WVFL Week 6 Review

THE NEV-R-WINS 118.46 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 114.42

The Atlas Shruggz crowed that they were fine with losing this game, if only because Michael Turner outscored AP and Foster combined. I would call that a moral victory at best, because Michael Turner is still terrible. It’s just that Carolina is more terrible.

This game got a little closer than I was hoping Monday night, especially after Matt Moore threw a touchdown pass to Darrelle Revis. Problem – Revis is a Jet. I thought I was happy Sunday when Tom Brady threw the game-winning TD to Aaron Hernandez. In hindsight, I was extremely very much happy.

Giving the Bengal defense a spot start and getting a defensive TD from there officially crosses the line into genius territory. I don’t care if defensive TDs are mostly luck.


DEATHFROMABOVE 62.58 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 38.88

Jesus. CHRIST. How bad are the Elbow? Let me put it this way – Tim Hightower had 0 points on 0 carries this week…and he was only the THIRD-WORST player on the Elbow roster! Pierre Thomas had -0.4 on the bench and Scott Chandler had -0.3 in the lineup. Starting a guy who wasn’t playing ended up being a good move for the Elbow!

Move this team to L.A., already.

Deathfromabove is now 5-1* (*Would’ve lost to literally every team in the league this week except for the Elbow)

BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 76.20 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 73.98

In this game, the Jets/Dolphins of our league this week (read: shit/snoozefest), the starting tight ends combined for 4 points. All 6 wide receivers combined for 20 points. And, as I predicted Friday, Matt Schaub sucked. He and Matt Ryan are currently fighting to the death for the title of Most Overrated QB.

I unno, how much more can be said about this game? To go on would be like Bourdain reviewing Stouffer’s French bread pizza.

PURPLE SWIRLS 97.68 – IRON CITY POUNDERS 80.02

I can only imagine Caulen’s reaction if he lost this game, and yet DFA went to 5-1 on the “strength” of 62 points. That would’ve been incredible to witness. But he won, moving to a not-at-all respectable 2-4.

Caulen finally got the Brees/Vick choice right, which is clearly the reason he finally won again. Although the 2 points from recent pickup Ryan Torain certainly can’t be overlooked.

Somehow the three-headed receiving beast of Mike Williams, David Nelson and Greg Little didn’t come through for the Pounders, and the entire Starks/Grant running situation is unnecessary to fantasy owners and Green Bay’s playcalling alike.

ST. A’S CRUSADERS 126.80 – HACKS 104.38

The Hacks (nee Hawks) have lost two games this season when scoring 100+ points. At 1-5, they’re now reduced to playing out the string and jostling for draft position. Might as well start Tebow!

John Kasay and DeAngelo Williams were the only Crusaders who didn’t reach double digits this week. DeAngelo, it should be noted, is officially over as a useful back for fantasy purposes. Carolina is scoring a lot of points while losing a lot of games, and constantly being behind is not good for the running attack. At least Carolina gave him $40 million this summer.

WHIZ-BANG GANG 104.20 – FIREROCK ROCKERS 97.78

Remember when I called this upset on Friday? I sure do. TK benched Brandon Marshall in favor of Victor Cruz, which was probably the right play considering Darrelle Revis’ involvement. However, because fantasy football is a stone cold bitch of a fickle mistress, that decision cost him the win. Marshall had 10 points and could’ve had about 25 had he not psyched himself out before the game so thoroughly.

Cruz had 1.2 points, while Ahmad Bradshaw had 3 TDs and 31 points. So not only did Bradshaw’s juicy TD explosion give points to Larry, it kept points away from Eli and Cruz. It’s nice when things work out so perfectly like that.

Friday, October 14, 2011

WVFL Week 6 Preview

LAST WEEK: 5-1

SEASON: 22-8

You know how much money you could make in Las Vegas (or Bermuda) if you went 22-8 on NFL picks? I have a gift, people! A record like that at least deserves an appearance on the right column of Yahoo Fantasy Football. Fat Brandon Funston ain’t goin’ no 22-8.

Able to forecast fantasy football AND handsome, too? It’s almost unfair.

THE NEV-R-WINS (3-2) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (3-2)

The Nev-R-Wins are America’s Team, just like Dallas. Like Dallas in that sense that we’ve declared ourselves America’s Team, and nobody else agrees with that in the slightest.

Adrian Peterson is a volatile chemical compound this season. At times, he’s practically inert and safe for rail transport. At other times, he’s completely explosive, wiping out all that crosses his path. But if Jahvid Best can gash Chicago, why can’t AP? And if Felix Jones doesn’t go way, way off against New England, he never will.

Michael Turner has gained something like 30% of his total rushing yards this season on just two long runs. He seriously is terrible and it’s past time that everybody recognizes this. Carolina pulls off the upset this week, and Turner is held to 6 points. Book it. And the Niner defense is really good this year, so look for them to keep Stafford a little behind schedule this week. If you don’t think coaching is important in the NFL, you should know that all the 49ers basically did was exchange a comically inept coach for a good, smart coach, sign one defensive lineman, and now they’re 4-1 and basically a lock to win their division. You also are probably a straw man that I just invented to make my own argument.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 104 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 90

THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW (2-3) at DEATHFROMABOVE (4-1)

The Elbow had 90 points last week, and they might be lucky to get half of that this week. Jason Campbell faces a good pass defense in the Browns, and Brian Hartline is…well, come on. Cedric Benson is averaging a plain Jane 3 yards a carry, which is like taking two steps and just falling over. And Tim Hightower lost his starting job to two different guys already. The only positive is that DeSean Jackson is guaranteed to catch a 70-yard touchdown because DeAngelo Hall will try to play aggressive press coverage on him. This is due to the fall that Hall thinks he is good when he is actually quite terrible.

Both teams in this matchup are starting two tight ends. That’s just weird, even in a bye week. Speaking of weird bye week starts, say hello to Titus Young, everybody!

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 88 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 50

LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (1-4) at BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT (2-3)

The two apples of Marlin Collingwood’s eyes. The two men whose PR work for the Pennsylvania Tourism Board got people to say, “You know what? I WOULD like to take a family vacation to Oil City this year.” The two guys I know who actually care who the Pirates’ Opening Day pitcher is. The two guys who stood there in mouth agape amazement as I became the first person in Bozell Kamstra history to successfully toss a hackey sack up on to an exposed duct pipe and get it to sit there.

Jeff. And. Scott.

Web has Cam this week, and the aforementioned upset on deck, so that’ll be nice points, but the rest of the lineup has thrown a rod like the Blues Brothers’ police cruiser. Green-Ellis is dinged up and missed a practice Thursday, Daniel Thomas will go nowhere against the Jets, and even though Earnest Graham is starting for the Bucs, if I know anything about Tampa, they’re going to be down 17-3 at halftime, limiting Graham’s carries.

Skip Henry gets Rashard Spindenhall back this week, which is good, but Matt Schaub is facing Baltimore, which is bad. Schaub is just a touch (read: incredibly) skittish against the blitz, and will throw at least 2 picks, guaranteed. So between Brown, Miller and Dancedenhall, Skip really needs a big Steelers win here.

Fun Fact: Brookline has Ricky Williams on their roster for some reason.

THE PICK: BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 87 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 74

IRON CITY POUNDERS (2-3) at PURPLE SWIRLS (1-4)

Vick is getting the Swirls start this week, so look for a huge game from Brees. What Caulen should do is switch his starting QB at 12:59pm Sunday and try to catch the universe off guard. Then when the Fates think they’re giving his backup QB a nice game, they’re actually helping his starting guy.

True, Greek mythology usually doesn’t end up for humans who trifle with the gods, but what do the Swirls have left to lose at this point? Besides more games, I mean?

Anyway, this is the week the Swirls finally get a win and begin their rehab tour. Steve Smith will be huge in a Carolina upset, Miles Austin will have at least 10 points, and Ryan Torain will torch the Eagles in the first half before Mike Shanahan benches him for some unknown reason.

Matt Forte sure does get the ball a lot. Remember two years ago when he was a fantasy bust? I bet TK wishes he had Forte now instead of then.

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 95 – IRON CITY POUNDERS 77

HAWKS (1-4) at ST. A’S CRUSADERS (4-1)

How long do I actually have to discuss this game for the sake of politeness? It’s not going to be very close. The Crusaders can beat everybody except me.

THE PICK: ST. A’S CRUSADERS 110 – HAWKS 88

FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-0) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (2-3)

Brandon Marshall, who was actually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder after volunteering for a clinical study this summer, told a media scrum that he needs to start being himself on the field. Somehow, in his mind, that involves fighting and getting kicked out of the game. In fact, Marshall all but guaranteed he’d only play a half before getting tossed. His rationale was that the Dolphins are losing because they’re playing in a bubble and they need to be themselves. Personally, I think they’re losing because Reggie Bush sucks and Matt Moore is their QB now. I also think Marshall’s prescription ran out.

This game is a tough call. Both teams have guys that can explode or disappoint, depending on which way the wind blows. Wallace is good for a 40+-yard touchdown sure, but do you want to make a living trying to predict Eli?

Screw it, picked an upset last week, picking an upset this week.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 125.2 – FIREROCK ROCKERS 125.1