THE PLAYOFF PICTURE
For some teams, it’s win and you’re in. For others, it’s win while scoring enough points and you’re in. For others, it’s you can go ahead and win if you want but there’s really no point. For two glorious teams, it’s like, Hey cool dudes, you guys are already in. And for one black-lucked team, it’s likely that you will find some way to lose on Monday night and miss the playoffs.
Because the league is so stratified this year, rather than go through every single team and every single permutation and breaking down who needs to outscore who by exactly who much, I’m going to break down the league into three groups based on current global economic issues.
ST A’S CRUSADERS
Have a bye week clinched. That will give them spare time to fret about being the highest-scoring team in a fantasy football league playoffs, which is like being a black guy going to check on a strange noise in an ‘80s horror film.
Clinch a bye week with a win. Also clinch with a loss as long as I outscore Firerock by 12 or more, and DFA does not outscore me by 90. And it’s a bye week I really need with Peterson and Maclin still dinged up. I’ve finished 3rd and 1st the last two seasons, so a 2nd place finish this year would really out the trophy lightbox I kept in my foyer.
THIRD WORLD POOR
LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS
Clinch the #1 draft pick with either a loss or a win by The People’s Elbow. Of course, since it’s only the 2nd year of a keeper league with a new contract system we invented ourselves, it’s hard to tell just how valuable the #1 pick will be. I guess he could maybe get Michael Vick in this slot.
THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW
Clinch the #1 pick with a loss AND an All Stars win. Need to score at least 99.14 points to avoid becoming the only team this season to not crack the 1000-point mark.
THE 99% - UPPER MIDDLE CLASS BRACKET
Clinch a playoff spot with a win and can clinch a bye with a win, and a Nev-R-Win loss as long as Firerock doesn’t blow their 11-point lead in Points For. Although it’s mathematically possible for them to miss the playoffs, it’s also mathematically possible to calculate pi to infinity. You probably won’t see either math feat this week.
Clinch with a win, but unlikely they can get the losses/point differential to clinch the bye. They could actually miss the playoffs if they lose, if the Pounders win and outscore DFA by 22, or if the Shruggz win and outscore them by 46. Buy your playoff tickets, but keep the receipt.
THE 99% - PAPER MILLIONAIRE BRACKET
BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT
Win and they’re in. Lose and they’re out unless the 4 teams at 6-6 also manage to win. This team is the guy who lives in a McMansion and drives an Infiniti QZ35712-A or whatever, but only has $100 in savings. One burst pipe in the mudroom is going to wipe the family out and send them into foreclosure.
THE 99% - DISAPPEARING MIDDLE CLASS BRACKET
IRON CITY POUNDERS
These teams are all in the same boat, in descending order of points strength. If all 4 teams won this week, the WBG would have the most Points For ground to make up, and are most likely the odd team out. Every year, we have around 3-4 teams competing for the final playoff spot, but this is the first year I can remember when none of them played each other. On top of that, they’re going up against the top 4 teams in the league (counting the Swirls in that top 4 on talent, if not record) while facing a must-win situation.
If these 4 teams all manage to win, and the Rockers, DFA and Brookline lose, we’ll have 7 teams with a 7-6 record, and going to the Points For tiebreaker for 4 playoff spots. DISCLAIMER: This will probably not happen.
THE 99% - BERNIE MADOFF VICTIM BRACKET
The team with perhaps the most talent, but definitely the worst luck. Here are their opponents point total in their 7 losses: 126-133-130-112-126-133-148. They could technically make the playoffs with a win and the 4 Disappearing Middle Class teams all losing, but it seems unlikely. What’s definitely is the 296-page book Caulen is going to write about the 2011 Purple Swirls season.