Friday, September 7, 2012

AFFL - Week 1 Preview

In the grand American tradition of everything eventually becoming too much of a good thing, there are now NFL games on every Thursday night. (And the occasional Wednesday) I, for one, am not a fan. It's like having an appetizer at 4:30 in the afternoon, then going home, then going to an 8pm reservation for dinner, drinks and dessert. It feels like something Spaniards would do. There's no continuity.

Furthermore, pursuant to argument #1a above, the waiver wire now locks down before 28+ teams have their Friday walkthrough. And! Worst of all! A slight bit of the piss is removed from these previews when anywhere from 1-6 guys in a given matchup have already posted their number.

Just another piece of wood to toss on the Goodell Sucks cord.

LAST WEEK: 0-0
SEASON 0-0

MOTHER OF DRAGONS (0-0) vs. ISIS (0-0)
Gary was bellyaching to me Wednesday morning that he was already having trouble figuring out whether to start Ahmad Bradshaw or not, and that he couldn't possibly enjoy watching the game knowing he made the wrong decision. Bradshaw's 15 points probably did not help matters. Although it's not as bad as watching the one Cowboy you don't own have a career night. Dez simply didn't score enough to warrant a start, and I already hate the way DeMarco Murray runs. He stares at the ground constantly, like a nervous teenager at a family reunion. Look up! Stop running into defenders, officials, teammates! Murray is going to put up good numbers all year, with a running style that I think is ridiculous, and I'm just not going to be able to enjoy it.

As for the rest of the game, Matt Stafford for Brandon Marshall already has a Cam Neely for Barry Pederson feel to it, so I'll enjoy his points this week. But the rest of the lineup has rough matchups. Every year, my team is like an Atomic Fireball. I love it at first and then after a while it's just a big pain in the ass. I'm ahead of schedule this year.

Gary's receivers won't do anything this week, and Matt Ryan will struggle in the Kansas City upset special (2 INTs, 8 points total), but my Monday night is going to be totally wrecked. Partially by Chris Berman calling the Raiders game with all the elegance of a convulsing water buffalo, but mainly by Rice and McFadden running wild, closing the gap on my lead with each carry until I finally succumb...like said mammal.

THE PICK: Mother Of Dragons 88 - ISIS 81


BABA BOOEY (0-0) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (0-0)
I don't want to say I feel bad for Timmy, but when a guy has a bad hammy and then puts up 13 points for your bench it's gotta feel kinda rough. Especially when come Monday, that guy will be your 2nd-best player for the week. Forte will get loose against Indy, and maybe Gates will have a TD, but nobody else on this team is looking at a good matchup. Mike Wallace is going to JUST miss a long TD pass, but unfortunately for Timmy, he won't get bonus points for Collinsworth sanctimoniously observing that with some OTAs in May, he woulda caught that ball.

Where was Nicks last night? Brutal. Between the pirate ship, division rivalry and heat-induced crampfest, the Carolina/Tampa game Sunday is either going to be 13-10 or 34-31. Having both starting running backs in that game, I know which version Larry is hoping for. It says here that one of those backs will make up for Nicks trying to...NIX a win! (applause)

THE PICK: The Whitechapel Rippers 70 - Baba Booey (Howard Stern's Penis!) 55


OUT FOR REVENGE (0-0) vs. MR. RODGERS' NEIGHBORHOOD (0-0)
Goddamn it. This already looks like one of those weeks where I would beat 90% of the league...but not the team I'm actually playing. 

Contract kicker Dan Bailey was benched last night. A good thing, since his 6 points weren't all that cool. The Mr. Rodgers backfield should be in the neighborhood of 15 total points, and since the Niner defense could actually put a slight check on #12 (say, 16 points instead of 25), it'll be up to the buddy cop team of Garcon and Gronk to carry the load. One's black! One's white! And such and such.

So between Peyton Hillis scoring a TD in an upset, Matt Schaub getting 15 points against a Dolphin team that just traded their best corner for some reason, and Marques Colston abusing DeAngelo Hall...I guess their bloodthirst for revenge will be satiated in Week 1.

THE PICK: Out For Revenge 79 - Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood 69


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (0-0) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (0-0)
The Brevity Is The Soul Of Wit Bowl. The scoreboard graphic abbreviations of KNG and TIM just don't do these puffy names justice. Marshawn Lynch might miss this game with back spasms, and Arian Foster tweaked his knee in practice Thursday, which I'm sure is nothing. Nothing at all. And now that Stafford was finally traded, I'm sure Cam won't get hurt.

But seriously, folks, Lynch missing the game is going to bring somebody unpredictable into the lineup. Fortunately, McCoy will predictably go off against Cleveland, and Foster will get at least 14 against Miami before he's benched in the 4th quarter "as a precaution".

The chants from the fans for TDHAF to play Tebow will be loud and obnoxious, especially considering that Brees will hang 20+ on the Redskins. Antonio Brown should get double digits, but the rest of this lineup is about as appealing as a microwaved turd, also known as a Hot Pocket.

THE PICK: That Kangaroo Stole My Ball 95 - Timmy Doesn't Have Any Friends 60


ANIMAL HOUSE (0-0) vs. THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (0-0)
New 3-year contract recipient David Wilson had two carries, fumbled once and then cried on the sidelines. Seriously! He now has negative fantasy points for his career. But he wasn't in the Animal House starting lineup, which is good, I guess. Though even if he was, Animal House would probably still win this week.

Detroit is going to score St. Louis right out of the running game in the first 20 minutes, limiting Steven Jackson, Shonn Greene's natural abilities ceiling will limit him, and the Niner D is going to limit all of Green Bay a bit. On the other hand, Charles and Bowe (which sounds like an intersection in Boston) will have fun in the Kansas City upset, while Tom Brady and Brandon Lloyd being on Animal House cancels out whatever Welker bucks the Knight might get.

Really, some of these picks are just easy peasy.

THE PICK: ANIMAL HOUSE 94 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 83


ABBADABBA'S (0-0) vs. CHEST ROCKWELL (0-0)
Oh, riiiiiiight. Tony Romo is really good in September. His 21.4 points certainly take the sting out of Victor Cruz only posting 5.8. Which could've been at least 6.8 without those three drops. This big 20-point lead will sure look good sitting there for three days. Problem is, it's not built to last. Eric Berry should shut off Roddy White, and even if DeSean Jackson gets loose for a big touchdown, he has to tip out Mike Vick on those points like a waiter tipping out the busboy. Tiny Darren? I mean...do you want to COUNT on those points showing up? No, they need to just be a pleasant surprise.

Vick is actually in a little danger of throwing 2-3 picks against a decent Browns defense, so maybe he should run around a little bit. Speaking of running around a little bit...2 touchdowns would be a SHITTY day for Calvin against St. Louis. And one of Fitz, Fred or Reggie will also have a super huge nice day.

THE PICK: CHEST ROCKWELL 88 - ABBADABBA'S 75

No comments: