A 4-2 start for my AFFL picks. You bet $100 a game, minus the vigorish, that's a cool $180 I just won for you guys. And you throw some bones in that pot, baby, you got a stew goin'!
MOTHER OF DRAGONS 112.7 - ISIS 78.6
This was like...this was like having a tee time booked for a really nice course three weeks in advance. Put in some extra range time, scout the course online, go to bed early the night before...then you lose your opening tee shot in the woods, start with a double and sulk around the rest of the day. I know you're not supposed to overreact after Week 1, but it's way more fun to overreact, so here goes - the Stafford trade was awful, the AP trade was awful, picking Kansas City to upset Buffalo was awful, and I'm basically just playing out the string here.
As Gary predicted, not starting Ahmad Bradshaw was a complete debacle. Playing Bradshaw instead of Vincent Jackson would've given Gary 123 points. I mean...this performance was so incredible (Alshon Jeffery had 14 points!) that rigging the draft to steal Ray Rice was literally and figuratively and perjoratively (not using that correctly, fuck you anyways) gilding the lily.
THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 87.4 - SIGMUND & THE SEA MONSTERS 78.5
It would be exceedingly easy to point out who should've started in the dewy warmth of Tuesday morning. Especially when any lineup change Tim made could be rebutted by a Larry change. Still, I said Michael Turner sucked within microseconds of that #3 overall pick. And Timmy would've won if he started Miles Austin over Michael Turner. These are just the facts of the matter, ma'am.
By the way, here's a Timmy breakdown for the season to date:
WINS - 0
TEAM NAMES - 3
And yet Turner was six times better than DeAngelo Williams this week. Sure, he still won, but if Larry wants to be dominant in this league, clearly he's going to have to start Blaine Gabbert and BenJarvus Green-Ellis every week. Wait...he actually has Blaine Gabbert?
MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 80.2 - OUT FOR REVENGE 60
You start two white tailbacks, you're going to post the 2nd-worst total of the week. I mean, that's just a fact. This isn't 1947. Gerhillis combined scored as many points as Matt Prater this week. Out For Revenge has a lot of problems at the foundation level, highlighted by their all-backup backfield and the fact that a kicker was their best player in Week 1.
Aaron Rodgers piled up some good fantasy points in garbage time, and frankly, he's lucky he wasn't killed by blunt force trauma during that game. (Action movie title idea: Blunt Force Drama)
The position players for Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood either had 12+ points, or less than 4. This team can really get behind the Romney-Ryan budget.
THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 97.6 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 82.9
One thing about Bri is that, as quiet as he is, he really gets pretty mad when people don't recognize his accomplishments. Like nice rotational help defense when your man beats you, having a hair part as straight as true as the Prime Meridian, and having a good fantasy football team. So let it be trumpeted here! This is currently the 2nd-best team in the AFFL! Shit, Lance Moore had 18 points on the bench!
Fact: Scott's 6 bench players outscored his 8 lineup players 88.2 - 82.9. Now, would you have started Stephen Hill over Justin Blackmon? Or Alfred Morris over Darrius Heyward-Bey? No, but that doesn't make it any less hilarious. And you definitely would've started AP after exchanging 17 emails to consummate that trade. But hey, it's only one game. Don't get too excited. There are still 13 more weeks for Scott to fuck up.
ANIMAL HOUSE 83.7 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 57.2
Starting Ryan Mathews - who BROKE HIS COLLARBONE AND WAS RULED OUT OF THIS GAME IN AUGUST - and still winning is like Larry Bird asking "Which of you assholes is finishing second?" before the NBA 3-point Contest. Just...showing another man your ballsack, telling him you're going to put it on his face, then doing so as he meekly asks you to please stop. Real ancient Arabic level of disrespect right there.
The only silver lining for The Knight is this one is that his bench players also sucked.
ABBADABBA'S 90.9 - CHEST ROCKWELL 74.6
With Fred Jackson on one team and CJ Spiller on the other, this could've gotten really interesting after Jackson took a human arrow to the knee. But Spiller was on the Abbadabba bench and they still won, so...story averted, I guess.
Only 6 points from Fitzgerald in a win can't be very reassuring. I'm sure having Kevin Kolb in for 4 weeks will help things. Nobody would've started Stevan Ridley over Fred Jackson (unless they feared the Jets defense, as most do), and starting the lesser of your two kickers is probably annoying.
Whoa! John Skelton is on Chest Rockwell too? This team has the same training staff as the Steelers' offensive line. Watch your knees, Calvin!