LAST WEEK: 4-2
Mitt Romney's WISHES he could go 4-2 with his picks! Paul Ryan claims he went 7-0 with his, but that claim didn't hold up under even rudimentary scrutiny.
Topical political humor!
By the way, the other thing I was right about in Week 1? Saying that Bri Williams didn't like not receiving the proper percentage of credit. Within 24 hours of the Week 1 Review going up, I got this in an email:
"I do not have the second best team. Kevin Smith and Matt Ryan combined
for 50 points last week. Do you really think that is ever going to
happen again this season? Meanwhile, Newton and McCoy combined for 23.
Give it some thought."
Gold. And as much as I love receiving hilarious emails, feel free to comment in the post itself. Just don't link to that ridiculous Muhammad movie so I'm not firebombed at home.
Hey, one last thing. According to the traffic report, 41 people looked at the Week 1 Preview. I know I was at least 5 myself, but there are only 12 people in this league. Are you guys opening it at work and finished it at home? Are you showing your wives? "Honey! Look at how good my team is!" Are the previews going..."viral"? (Business term)
OUT FOR REVENGE (0-1) vs. ISIS (0-1)
Thank God Cedric Benson didn't score a touchdown. That's about all I can say about my last-hour decision to bench him. And I'm happy my brief flirtation with Cutler (Niner D is so TIGHT, y'all! Versus Stafford?! DAMN!) ended harmlessly. Fucking Cutler. He plays like these spoiled princesses on "My Super Sweet 16". One thing goes wrong and the whole night is ruined. RUINED! Stupid parents don't even realize I HATE purple!
As for the guys who are actually playing, Richardson is going to be limited by a good Bengals defense stacking 11 men in the box. Nobody outside of Mike Holmgren fears Brandon Weeden. I guess a 28-year old rookie who played in a first read spread offense in college isn't going to be a good pro. And Peyton Hillis is going to be limited by who and what he is.
Thomas and Colston scored TDs last week, so by rule, they won't have any this week. Steve Smith might have one of those crazy 2003-type games against the Saints, though.
As for little ol' me, if Maclin sits, I'm going to have to get lucky with Kendall or Jacquizz, a phrase that makes it sound like I'm going to Bare Elegance with $80 and a hopeful attitude. Stafford will only have 8 points against the Niners and the real doubt in my team will settle in around 430 PDT Sunday. Fortunately, the imminent 1-1 record will help with that a bit.
THE PICK: ISIS 77 - OUT FOR REVENGE 70
ABBADABBA'S (1-0) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (1-0)
So...Michael Bush gets the start, obviously on the back of his 2 TDs last week. Then Forte gets hurt early, making Bush the only option. Then he only puts up 5 points. You win some, you lose some. Sometimes with a single guy in one game. At least Spiller should be able to pick up some of the slack. And if Cruz can pick up anything this week, that will be an improvement over the opener. But Robert Junior Junior is set up for a disappointment if I've ever seen one. Two straight road games, feeling good about yourself after a simple offensive look worked against one team? Upset alert! Not that Romo will be any better in Seattle. Amemmer when he dropped that ball there that one time?
The Jones v. White battle for #1 Falcon will be settled for good in this game. Partially by who Denver puts Champ Bailey on, but mostly by Jones outscoring White either way. Oh, and there's a Nicks/Cruz angle in this matchup too? Larry, Brian, why don't you guys give each other a little space already?
Both of these teams have some issues. Larry is actually counting on BJGE after last week's pleasant surprise, so it's going to be extra fantastic when he has 6 points this week. So it'll come down to Monday, when Jones' 2nd TD seals the shitty, shitty win for the Rippers.
THE PICK: THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 81 - ABBADABBA'S 75
ANIMAL HOUSE (1-0) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (0-1)
All it took was two draft picks and two touchdowns to get Peterson in the starting lineup over Donald Brown. Good for him! He should be able to tear up the Colts defense, too. Let's hope, because Brees is going to struggle in Carolina like he does every year, and Alfred Morris is definitely DEFINITELY not going to have two good games in a row. Definitely. Malcom Floyd is going to have another good week, since Rivers is about out of options. With a good season, he can sign a new contract and finally afford that second L. Steelers will be passing on the Jets a lot and Revis is out, so good for A. Brown.
Brady is going to have another nice one, but forget about Ike Redman, and I can't see Lloyd getting deep on Patrick Peterson. That leaves Andre Johnson on the road in a division game (always bad news for Houston) and two different Chiefs, who are also on the road. Ugh. Lotta big names on this team, not a lotta points this week.
Hey! Animal House has a Michael Floyd. They should start him and then we can finally settle who the better M. Floyd is. Whoever it is can pair up with indie folkster M. Ward on a new Thursday Night Football theme, since the current new one sucks a healthy quantity of balls.
THE PICK: TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 71 - ANIMAL HOUSE 65
THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (0-1) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (1-0)
Bri has more than twice as many points after one week than Bill, so I can't even imagine the email I'll get if I pick the upset. But I don't pick the games...the games pick me. So talk to me, matchup. Tell me what's up.
You know what? Unbelievably enough...even though Bri already had two guys play Thursday (Marshall and Jermichael Dropsley) and only got 4 points out of them total...I'm STILL hopping with the Kangaroo. Cam is gonna be huge in a surprise upset and...wait. Hang on. McCoy's matchup is terrible, Foster's matchup is terrible, Lynch is still hurt. Okay, here's what we know. TKSMB is going to max out at 65 points this week.
Will that be enough?!? Hmm. Greene sucks, Chris Johnson sucks, Steven Jackson sucks, the Patriots are making a point out of showing Wes Welker they don't need to re-sign him and Pettigrew will never get open against the Niners. That leaves Ben, the creaky Steeler D and a kicker.
Good lord. I'd rather watch "Animal Practice". Bri wins, but drops to the 3rd best team in the league.
THE PICK: THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 65 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 63
SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER (0-1) vs. CHEST ROCKWELL (0-1)
Timmy is the best 0-1 in the league right now, so why don't you all show a little respect? I am not sure if he'll be the best 0-2 team after this week or not. Michael Turner should be benched for almost anybody, Jordy and Forte were already let downs, and Dallas is going to be upset in Seattle, so forget about Austin.
Fun roster fact: Timmy has a guy named Daryl Richardson on his team, and I have no fucking earthly idea who that is. But if you can get St. Louis' 4th string back this early in the season, you simply have to jump on that.
On the other side, Vick is not going to play well against Baltimore, and Fitz will be eating a Kolb Salad for 60 minutes. A Kolb Salad looks, smells and tastes like shit and it's super expensive. Like...$21 room service charge. But Reggie Wayne will be enormous as Indy "upsets" Minnesota for Andrew Luck's first pro win. Somebody keep that game ball!
THE PICK: CHEST ROCKWELL 73 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER 66
MR. RODGERS' NEIGHBORHOOD (1-0) vs. MOTHER OF DRAGONS (1-0)
A crucial early battle for control of the East! The best player in Canevin Catholic football history, and current Green Bay offensive coordinator, Tom Clements has to be somewhat concerned by the number of sacks Aaron Rodgers has taken in 2 games. MRN is probably also a little concerned, but when Jay Cutler is carrying the Packer defense to 20 points, he can worry about that later.
I guess a 40 point head start makes one confident enough to start three different 49ers, although maybe Garcon makes the lineup if he's healthy. And INTRIGUE ALERT! Contract kicker Dan Bailey was benched in favor of Mason Crosby, who nearly doubled Bailey's Week 1 output. Dan Bailey, find yourself a realtor!
MRN started this game, but MOD is going to finish it. Matt Ryan will put up at least 20 points in a circus game Monday, giving Gary the big come from behind win.
THE PICK: MOTHER OF DRAGONS 90 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 85