Somebody left the following comment on the Week 2 Preview:
you are one annoying some bitch. Your like, a rash that won't go away.
When I mentioned that people should feel free to leave comments on the post, I neglected to clarify that I only like hearing positive comments about myself and my ramblings. As I always say, "If you have something to say about me, say it behind my back."
However! Though "Anonymous" doesn't have a great grasp on contractions, capitalization, comma usage or the word annoysome (which, in fairness, has extremely rare usage), perhaps he has a point. So for this week's review, I will change things up and only say positive things about the other teams, while stridently bashing my own team, which obviously sucks. Consider this the cool topical cream to salve the normal rashiness.
OUT FOR REVENGE 89.2 - ISIS 65.2
Maybe Anonymous was actually Trent Richardson. Judging by his 26 pts (145 total yards and 2 TDs), he did not appreciate my summary of his abilities in the Season Preview. Trent Richardson is a great player and is going to have a long and rich career. Ben(ched) Tate had 21 points (on 2 TDs) on the bench, and I am sorry OFR had to feel that frustration. We all know how it goes in fantasy football sometimes. Nothing you can do. But at least you still got the win, which is the ultimate goal. Steve Smith had a nice game too, thanks to that one long pass he caught.
My team isn't very good. It's time for me to take a long, hard look in the mirror and figure out what I want from this team. And also life. Normally I love looking in the mirror because I'm handsome and have great hair, but this is no time for jokes. Always joking, wiseguy. This is why you don't get ahead in life and why you're relying on two Dallas Cowboys. Jeremy Maclin was so invisible yesterday that I genuinely wondered if he was playing...and I was watching the Eagles game. Then he caught one pass (a TD on broken coverage) and then got hurt again. ISIS sucks, the players suck, their draft sucked, 2012 is a lost a cause, and the owner is a cocksucker of the highest order. Other than that, things are great.
ABBADABBA'S 122.3 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 103.2
This game did indeed come down to Julio Jones vs. Roddy White on Monday Night Football, but hey, any idiot could've guessed that one. No credit for me there. It's a genuine shame that one of these teams had to lose, because they both deserved to win. In fact, they would've beaten every team in the league except Scott Albert. Let's hope one of these guys don't come up one win short of a playoff berth this winter. That would be pretty unfair.
Larry got 61.5 points just out of the Bucs/Giants game. Good for him. It must've been quite exciting to follow the second half of that wild game as the teams went back and forth. Ninety minutes like that is why we all do this, isn't it? And the Broncos agreed with him that Julio Jones is Atlanta's #1 receiver. Problem is, that means they put Champ on Julio, leaving Roddy to run free all game.
Even worse, though, that a lot of Eli's points went to Victor Cruz, who had 23 for Abbadabba's. Some people might say it's lucky that this team had CJ Spiller, but not me. I say it was a great 7th round pick. He took a chance and it paid off with 29 points. Good for him. I'm sure he's already looking forward to Spiller's next game. He's an exciting player. And 29 points for Griffin III, too! Man. I wish I had players like that.
TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 109.1 - ANIMAL HOUSE 67.9
Tough one for Animal House, but think of the silver lining. Our teams only have so many big point weeks in them, so at least you didn't waste one here. Probably no stopping TDHAF in Week 2. They were incredible. It is a shame, though, that Animal House didn't get to capitalize on a great game from Dwayne Bowe (22 points). All in the second half, too. Neat! That really under the radar Cardinals D bottled up the Pats, too.
It's a little amusing that when Scott finally put AP into the lineup that he only had 8 points. Which AP is he going to get from week to week?! But when Reggie Bush puts up 31 points (I did predict he would go off against Oakland if I may have a second to myself), who cares what the other backs do? They're all gravy, anyway! And even though Carolina did indeed "upset" the Saints, Brees didn't struggle that much. I usually don't know what I'm talking about anyway, but good on Scott to get those Brees points.
Great job, Scott!
THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 89.3 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 58.3
Man. Last year's title, a 2-0 start to this season, Cam Newton and Arian Foster, plus a great 1st round trade to move up and get Marshawn Lynch? Bri, you're doing a great job. Even with Andy Reid boxing up McCoy for some reason, your team is formidable. I just hope I'm not playing you the week McCoy is finally unleashed. Great comeback from only having 5 points on Thursday night, too. You never gave up, and that's admirable in today's microwavable, get-rich-quick society. Kudos!
Shonn Greene was concussed, Steven Jackson was hurt/benched, Welker didn't start for some reason, and Chris Johnson is having trouble all around. None of this is Bill's fault, he just got really unlucky this week. And he showed smarts by not starting hot free agent pickup Kevin Ogletree right away. Ogletree only had 3 points, so that was really sharp roster management. Also on the plus side, Ben had 17 points in a nice game. That was a smart draft pick. Steelers will be passing a lot this year, so hopefully it helps Bill to his first win next week. I know I'm pulling for you, man.
CHEST ROCKWELL 80.2 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 74
What a TD catch by Mike Wallace. How did he not blow out his knee doing that? Tim should get bonus style points on that one. And another TD for Miles Austin; that's 2 in 2 weeks now. A lot of owners might've cut Austin in the offseason, but Tim hung with him and is being rewarded. Love to see that. It's really unfortunate that Jordy, Flacco and Forte couldn't have done just a little bit more. The win was within reach this week if they had. Sorry, Tim.
It is extremely sad to see what Michael Turner has become. No burst whatsoever. Let's not dwell on the negative. It's too hurtful.
Chest knows they got away with one here, but you can only beat who you're playing against and every win counts. It's really unfortunate what is happening to Larry Fitzgerald's career. Hopefully Barker figures out what to do with him as a franchise player and everybody ends up happy. Only 9 points for Calvin? Wow, is that Niner defense good or what? Remember on Friday when I said Reggie Wayne would be big in Andrew Luck's first win? Look at that! Oh wait, this isn't about me. Great job with the win, Chest!
MR. RODGERS' NEIGHBORHOOD 102.8 - MOTHER OF DRAGONS 82.6
It must be so frustrating to have Mark Ingram on your bench when he scores a TD and posts 11 points. But he only gets goal line carries (and not even all of them), so what can you do? Can't blame MRN for that. I'm glad Frank Gore and Gronkowski stepped up for them. It must have been a really nerve wracking two days after Aaron Rodgers only posted 9 points Thursday. I sure would hate it if I had to go through that. And what a terrific surprise to get 24 points from Willis McGahee to hold off the Matt Ryan comeback attempt. Great stuff!
Really unlucky for Gary that Ahmad Bradshaw got hurt and only posted 1.4 points. If he could've been part of that wild second half comeback...wow! So many points! And Darren McFadden...you can't expect a guy to play the late game Monday, then fly across the country and play the early game in a hot and humid climate and excel. Really unfair. At least Gary can be comforted knowing that Vincent Jackson has a connection with Josh Freeman, and that Ray Rice can be counted on every week. And hey, 2nd place in the division is nothing to panic about.
PS to Anonymous: Get fucked with a bear's spiny dick and learn English. In whatever order fits your schedule.