LAST WEEK: 4-2
Another 4-2 week for the AFFL picks, another crushing defeat for ISIS, another lopsided Thursday night game. Have we already settled into the rote by Week 3? Maybe having a kid together will shake things up.
MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD (2-0) vs ISIS (0-2)
Fuck it, I'm already tanking for next year's #1 overall pick. If Indy went into "Suck For Luck" mode last year, I'm already in "Lost 'Er For Foster" mode in Week 3. This Tumblr about my backup QB is 1,000,000 times more enjoyable than anything my team has done or will do. At least Steve Sabol doesn't have to watch any more NFL Films tape of this team.
Jacquizz Rodgers is so much more useful to Atlanta than Michael Turner, but is entirely useless to me because he isn't playing. Maclin is hurt again, something that will last all year. Dez sucks. Eric Decker is white and Peyton Manning can't throw it more than 20 yards without Tebowing. By which I mean throwing an end-over-end duck.
Thing is, this is not such a great week for MRN, either. The Monday night crowd and poor offensive line could hurt Rodgers, Ingram will score either 0 or 8.1 points, and Minnesota could at least contain Gore and Crabtree. Lucky for them, they're playing the worst team in the league and will be able to get away with having their worst week to date.
THE PICK: MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 71 - ISIS 49
TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (1-1) vs. THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (0-2)
Okay, technically this is the worst team in the league but the difference is like choosing between being kicked in the bare shin or having your hand smashed in a car door. What does it matter, really?
Adrian Peterson will continue to annoy Scott, but he will do nothing against the Niners. In fact, if he doesn't get re-injured, that should be considered a great week. Brees is going to maul the Chiefs, sure, but Morris and Bush are going to struggle with their matchups as well. Scott could consider turning to his bench, except...all of those guys are pretty terrible. Floyd and Brown will carry the show, though. Go. Row.
Unless there's some sort of weird 10-6 Raiders fluke win like 3-4 years ago, Ben should put up huge numbers against a terrible team. Steven Jackson is hurt, Greg Jennings is probably out, the Patriots have sent Wes Welker to the corner, Shonn Greene makes Michael Turner look explosive...there's nobody for rely on here!
As for Chris Johnson...the face of the franchise. CJ0K has a 2012 salary of $2.18. The Knight could drop him as a franchise player and I think he might spend the entire season on the scrap heap. Only Timmy would spend $2.18 on 11 yards a week, and he can't manage the cap well enough to afford another $2+ player. Drop him, Knight. Show this league you mean business!
THE PICK: TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 69 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 53
THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (1-1) vs. CHEST ROCKWELL (1-1)
I mean...I know the Arizona defense is looking pretty fierce so far, but Chest is willingly start Matt Cassel over Mike Vick this week. Is there any possible way this works out? Ridley is going to have tough sledding against Baltimore, and Fitz continues to be a virtuoso guitarist in a super-shitty bar band. If Fitz had Eric Clapton's attitude, he'd be on his 10th team by now.
(Side note: Awesome super group that would only last for 3 songs before breaking up: Rod Stewart, Eric Clapton, Sting.)
So that's going to leave Calvin (he's due) and Wayne to go off. Oh, and Jimmy Graham. But will that be enough? Well, MJD should go off against Indy as usual, and if he doesn't, it's time to cut him. It can't be too fun to rely on Steve Johnson, and I'm calling San Diego huge on Sunday, which will limit Julio Jones.
Matt Cassel. Heh.
THE PICK: CHEST ROCKWELL 81 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 75
ABBADABBA'S (2-0) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER (0-2)
Last week, I wondered who Daryl Richardson is, figuring he must be St. Louis' 4th string running back. I was way off. He's their 2nd stringer. I know this now because 85 fantasy "experts" told me about Richardson this week.
By the way, fantasy "expert" columns have become a completely fungible product, like crude oil or bottled water. Every Tuesday, every online source has the exact same waiver wire targets - lowly-owned guys who just had a good game. Hey guys, thanks for the tip on Danny Amendola. Back to the game!
The hilarity of Victor Cruz' 4 point game slowly turning into a rock-hard white turd between Thursday and Sunday is tempered a bit by LaFell's even worse performance. No advantage gained for either side. Watching Eli throw for 500 against Tampa is not enough to get Romo into the lineup against Tampa this week, but between Michael Bush, Spiller and Vernon, AbbaD will have plenty of points this week.
I guess it's nice to know that if Michael Turner can't run fast any more he can still drive fast. He is so terrible.
THE PICK: ABBADABBA'S 90 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 64
THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (2-0) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (1-1)
Cam Newton is a one-man Wildcat offense. And by that I mean...he made a big splash when nobody knew what to expect, but the league eventually figured him out. He flat-out throws like Vince Young (hard and inaccurately) and good defenses with good line play can easily figure out how to bottle him up. He'll still have huge games when he's facing the right defense, but other than that? I'd be selling high on him right now. But that's just me. What do I know? I'm 0-2. Maybe Bri doesn't mind that lingering doubt from week to week. Maybe the suspense is thrilling for him.
And it won't even matter this week. For Animal House, Charles is hurt, Mathews is still out, Ike Redman is useless. The only question, like every week, is will Dwayne Bowe score 2 or 22?
THE PICK: THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 89 - ANIMAL HOUSE 55
MOTHER OF DRAGONS (1-1) vs. OUT FOR REVENGE (1-1)
Hey, did you pick up Andre Brown this week? No? You must not read every fantasy "expert." Yes, the same ones who were in a lather over David Wilson before the season started. Too bad for you, because Andre Brown had 25 points this week, even though it's not entirely clear if he's good. All he had to do was run straight against a god-awful (atheist lowercase!) defense.
Side note: Bill emailed me this week, decrying the sunshine and rainbows
Week 2 review as too nice, asking me to get back to the nasty. So we
can eliminate him as the rude Anonymous. Suspects are dwindling, but we
all know it was Timmy, don't we? Moving on!
So for the second straight week, Gary wakes up Sunday already in a giant hole. Can he get out? (No, no. Dig UP, stupid!) Well, Darren McFadden will probably gash the terrible Steelers front 3 until he tweaks something, and Vincent Jackson is the only real option in Tampa. But Matt Ryan will struggle in the out of doors (Guy straight up hates sunlight), Kevin Smith has already lost his job, and some Niner is going to hit Percy Harvin so hard that a woman in the stands who's not even related to Percy will begin to cry.
I guess that's a long no.
THE PICK: OUT FOR REVENGE 91 - MOTHER OF DRAGONS 75