Tuesday, September 25, 2012

AFFL Week 3 Review

Wow! Three games in overtime at once! Kick return touchdowns! Tipped Hail Marys! A game-winning kick straight over the post! A game-winning interception! Incompetence and confusion that makes Mitt Romney look like Boss Tweed organizing his bribe money!

This was sommmmmmmme week.


ISIS 100.5 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 36.7
Christ, I can't even tank right. The week after I give up, a post a score that looks like the FM number for K*STAR, playing the hottest Top 10 hits, with Katy Perry on on the 1s!

But in regards to this game, at what point do you stop being angry at the man issuing the savage beating, and start getting angry at the guy being pummeled for not fighting back? Fourteen seconds into Sunday, AJ Green caught a 73-yard touchdown, and that's as close as this one would ever be.

And now the entire league knows this is lurking in me. You may not like me, you may not respect me, you may not know if I wear glasses or not, but deep down inside, you know something terrifying lurks. I am the Bruce Banner of this league. Don't make me angry. You won't like...ah, you know the rest.


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 84.6 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 73.3
Hang on...Danny Amendola isn't going to have 15 catches every week? Well shit! And in a DET/TEN game featuring 85 points, over 1000 yards of offense, overtime, and Jake Locker going wild, Chris Johnson had 29 total yards. It. Is. Over. It's over, Johnny. "Nothing is over! Nothing!" Yes, Chris Johnson being even mediocre is over.

Lucky for Scott, Antonio Brown's fumble at second base didn't cost him the game, just the Steelers. And Reggie Bush getting hurt will be a bigger problem next week than it was this week.


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 89.4 - CHEST ROCKWELL 83.3
Matt Cassel. Heh. I mean...how do you upset the Saints, put up 30+ points, and only have 5.4? Can't he get some credit for handing off to Jammal Charles?

I told you Calvin was due, I told you MJD would rip up the Colts, but I also said Fitz would continue to do nothing. Partial credit.

By the way, those first 2 weeks when Stevan Ridley got the ball a ton and it looked like Belichick finally had a back he would lean on? Remember those good old days? They made every Woodhead carry Sunday night - and there were plenty - even more hilarious


ABBADABBA'S 99.9 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER 78.2
Looks like only cool people could crack 100 this week. Young(er) Barker is 3-0 and the only team in the AFFL with 300+, which seems extremely odd to me, given all my experience in this league. Plus, he was right about benching Romo and I was wrong, so there's that, too. What? CJ Spiller got hurt?

Timmy claimed on the scoreboard Sunday that he "shit the bed" by not starting Turner. While I hope very much that my constant bashing of Turner influenced the benching, I would like to point out that the this particular bed was soiled beyond repair long ago. Furthermore, Turner's 14 points weren't the difference, and he's still terrible. Michael Turner right now is a black John Kuhn. Whoa. That's a racial tightrope I'm walking right there. Let's move on.


ANIMAL HOUSE 88.4 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 78.2
Last week, I politely inquired what Mikel Leshoure might cost a man. Bri "hilariously" replied that he would trade Leshoure for Stafford. I now politely point out that Bri would've won this week if he actually started Leshoure, whom he loved so much. Or Torrey Smith. Or his entire bench, which scored 87.1 points compared to the 78.2 his active players started. Hey man, maybe next time. And I'm sure Brandon Marshall will have a second good game really soon.

Where you been, Jammal Charles? And man, Animal House sure was eager to shove Ryan Mathews in the lineup? What is with people loving that guy?

Side note: David Wilson's 3-year contract is looking AMAZING right now. Jamarcus Russell had a more reasonable deal.


MOTHER OF DRAGONS 93.7 - OUT FOR REVENGE 91.3
Pretty sure I said on Friday that Ben Tate was not going to recreate that 2-touchdown effort from Week 2. People, I can't stress this enough. If you want to win games, listen to me! It's really important. Andre Brown's only good game this year...wasted.

And I didn't say this last week because I thought everybody had seen it, but...Gary! Kevin Smith lost his starting job! You shouldn't start him in a crucial game! You're lucky Darren McFadden was facing a defense older than "I didn't do it."

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