LAST WEEK: 2-4
Shitty picks last week, but an actual win for my team. Why can't EVERYTHING work out for me one of these times? What is this yin-yang bullshit? I ride Western medicine and beliefs 'til I die!
TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (2-1) vs. ISIS (1-2)
This would be a pretty good week for AP to go off for 3 touchdowns. BUT! I have him in my other fantasy league, so that would hurt and help me. More of this yin-yang shit! Brees will get his points, but Alfred Morris...I mean, the Redskins just signed Ryan Grant for "depth." While I concede the technical accuracy of having four running backs on the roster being deep, it won't help Morris. Bush is hurt and new pick up Artrell Hawkins is not going to score 60-yard TDs every week. That's AJ Green's job.
Speaking of my cool team, my biggest challenges this week will be resisting the temptation to start Jacquizz Rodgers over DeMarco, looking for some hipster cred. And also not screaming when Dez finally scores his first TD of the season on my bench. Man, that's gonna make me so steamed!
And yes, when I win this week to go 2-2, I'll be right back to irrationally confident, the polar opposite of my irrational despondence at 0-2. Again, the yin-yang. The circle of balance shall be complete.
THE PICK: ISIS 81 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 74
MOTHER OF DRAGONS (2-1) vs. CHEST ROCKWELL (1-2)
Although on the surface, only getting 9.6 points from Ray Rice seems like a problem, it's more than Kevin Smith will provide. A bigger problem, one might aruge, is carrying two tight ends in a league that doesn't force you to start any. I unno. Maybe trying to pick matchups based on opposing defenses is a thrill.
But what does that matter? MOD is gonna roll this week. Vincent Jackson might score 50 against the Redskins tertiary. (Horrible nerd joke: They're not good enough to be a secondary.) Let's focus on the more interesting thing about them this week, the news that the chick who plays Khaleesi (Gary's icon chick) is dating...wait for it...hang on, you're not ready yet...SETH MACFARLANE. Ugh. I do not support this whole push to make this baby-faced, pumpkin-headed hack a star.
Oh right! The game. So...I guess Matt Cassell lost his job. FolesWatch 2012 is officially underway! And when Jason Pierre-Paul puts a helmet in Vick's armpit Sunday night, we'll all be ready for Foles. Foles is exactly what Eagles fans have been looking for in a quarterback. Tall, strong arm, and white as mayo on a turkey sandwich.
THE PICK: MOTHER OF DRAGONS 91 - CHEST ROCKWELL 66
THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (0-3) vs. MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD (2-1)
Let's break this one down by position. On the one team, you have Shonn Greene, Chris Johnson, Fred Jackson. Which gives you one slow guy who sucks against a great defense, one fast guy who sucks against any defense, and a good guy who had his knee bow to the outside like a guitar string two weeks ago. The other team has Mark Ingram, Willis McGahee, Frank Gore. Which gives you a slow guy who only gets a goal line carry every other week, a slow guy against a great defense, and a good guy who had his knee bow backwards into the shape of a waxing moon in a long-ago Fiesta Bowl. Call it a push. Push that shit out, to be precise!
At receiver, you have Welker and Amendola on one time, which is not racist at all. They will dominate pluck points. On the other side, you have Crabtree and Gronkbot. Push...ish.
At defense, you have the Niners against Sanchbow on one team and the Steelers against Bye on the other. Big advantage to MRN.
Which brings us to quarterback, where we have...hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Seriously?! Okay. For real? Okay, if you say so. Ahem. So we have Russell Wilson against Aaron Rodgers. Listen, I know Seattle is 2-1, and I know Mike Tirico said of Russell Wilson, "His intangibles are off the charts." But he doesn't throw very well, and he runs too much, like a typical rookie QB. And aren't everybody's intangible off the charts? If they were charted, they would become tangible by definition.
Anyway, New Orleans is giving up 30 points a game and Aaron Rodgers is due for a good one.
THE PICK: MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 79 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 54
ANIMAL HOUSE (2-1) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER (0-3)
If I had two Chargers on my team and only wanted to start one in case...I don't know, for any reason I guess...I think I would pick Gates over Jackie Battle. But that's just me. I'm just one guy with an opinion. An opinion that matches every other opinion in America on this subject. Pouty Joe Flacco ("Seriously, guys! I'm TOTALLY top 5 in the league!") had a nice 20 point for Sigmund, but Michael Turner is back in the lineup and that just plain isn't a good thing.
Jammla Charles is guaranteed to only score 5 points this week, right? That's just how it works, innint it? And Ryan Mathews is already disappointing. And after such a long wait, too! But Brady will about cancel out Flacco, the AH receivers will dominate that matchup, and defensive TDs are always a fun bonus. Like that giant freak peanut with 3 legumes inside.
THE PICK: ANIMAL HOUSE 80 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER 70
THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (2-1) vs. ABBADABBA'S (3-0)
The 5-star big dick matchup of the day. Abba can really assert themselves as king of the hill here with a win. Lord of Shit Mountain! All hail!
This game features the two young QBs everybody is lathered up about. Both should be playing from behind all day, but only one can actually throw a football well. Bob will outscore Cameron. Andy Reid will continue to limit LeSean McCoy for some reason, while Sean Payton absence will limit Sproles. Brandon Marshall and Victor Cruz are both feast or famine, which I'm sure is very annoying for their owners.
(Brandon Marshall for Matt Stafford - the rare trade that works out for neither team)
Then again, DeSean Jackson against the Giants is prime time is always good for some big plays. He might finally have a good game this year! Good for him! Too bad Arian Foster is going to ruthlessly abuse the Titans.
Bad news, Bri. You're going to score enough points this week to beat all but 1 team. The team you're playing.
THE PICK: ABBADABBA'S 100 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 99
OUT FOR REVENGE (1-2) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (2-1)
I guess it's time to admit that Trent Richardson does not suck. But the Cleveland curse is still real. I'm pretty Brandon Weeden physically can't move his neck, why explains why he never looks at anybody but his target receiver. They should give Greg Little #17 since he's Braylon Edwards all over again, and Josh Cribbs was almost killed last night. Only his thick, luscious braids prevented him from a major skull fracture.
Speaking of, with all these long braids in the league now, when somebody going to pick out a Japanese monster-sized afro? Looking all like curly shaving cream shooting out of the earholes.
Point is, Trent Richardson's knee is most certainly going to blown out in horrific fashion by Week 7. Trade him while you can.
Although Andre Brown and Ben Tate will do nothing this week, OFR is better everywhere else this week. Sure, Julio will have a touchdown, and Eli will probably throw for 350, but WHATEVER. The AFFL takes another step toward perfect parity.
THE PICK: OUT FOR REVENGE 92 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 81