Friday, September 7, 2012

WVFL Week 1 Preview

There is a straight-to-DVD sequel to A Christmas Story coming out shortly (or already, whatever). It's the "official sequel" and everything. And it is awful. If they can do that, why not a direct-to-laserdisc sequel to Two For The Money (working titles: Two For The Money 2 / Three For The Money) in which I slick my hair back and portray myself as the fantasy football Brandon Lang? My picks could've made you a fortune last season! (If there was a way to bet on fantasy football matchups.


LAST WEEK (0-0)
SEASON (0-0)

FIREROCK ROCKERS (0-0) vs. THE NEV-R-WINS (0-0)
Folks, they're not saying "Boo!", they're saying "Cruz!" Except, after each of his three drops, they were definitely saying "Boo!" Only getting 5.8 points from the little guy and 12 more from Eli is not a great start to the rocker revival. Rashad Jennings (or MJD), McGahee and Bush will also disappoint, leaving Mike Wallace and Brandon Marshall to do a lot of heavy lifting. Problem is, Wallace probably didn't do much lifting during his holdout. I'm sure his hamstrings won't snap on a go route or anything.

On the other hand, Arian Foster has ALREADY tweaked his knee. Maybe my team will be devastatingly injured to start the season (Jennings, Peterson, Foster) and then healthy for the playoffs.

Ah, whatever. Brady and my power-packed receiving corps (Potential nickname: Four On The Floor {doesn't need to make sense, so don't worry about it}) will put up more than enough points for me to roll over TK.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 101 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 87


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (0-0) vs. ZOLTAN'S ZERO'S (0-0)
A long-dormant doormat of franchise gets off to a surprisingly good start. They aren't winning any blowouts, but they are winnings. The fans starts to get excited again, shaking off the rust in the process. Soon, they're playing clips from a terrible movie (A Christmas Story 2?) during games and making up weird hand signals. Who else could I be discussing besides The People's Elbow.

The surprise season got off to a shitty start between Nicks and Dez on Wednesday, and I think Beanie is hurt-ish, but DeAngelo is running by himself on Sunday. And really, how much is Zoltan going to score? They're starting one wide receiver with a concussion, one who plays in Jacksonville, and a backup running back. Zoltan is going to be the Pittsburgh Pirates of the WVFL this season. The 2004 Pirates, not 2012. Like Nate is!

THE PICK: THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 79 - ZOLTAN'S ZERO'S 65


HACKS (0-0) vs. DEATHFROMABOVE (0-0)
Oh my God. This one is going to be such a blowout that if was a real NFL game, local affiliates would be switching coverage over to a different game by 1:35pm. Ben and Julio and Hernandez should be decent, but the rest of the lineup is...sigh...a bunch of hacks. Those three will score at least 75% of the Hack total this week, leading them to support Romney's tax plan, whatever that might or might not be.

Whereas for DFA, except for Randy Moss and Finley, everybody is going to post at least 10 points. At which point they will link arms and shout, "We built this...TOGETHER!"

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 109 - HACKS 61


ATLAS SHRUGGZ (0-0) vs. IRON CITY POUNDERS (0-0)
If Atlas Shrugged and Randian philosophy and the "creators" going on "strike" was something that was actually based in real world truth - and not some prep school senior asshole's fantasy vision of how hard he works - Matt Stafford would take one look at the Shruggz roster and sit this game out. Luckily for Atlas, he will not be doing that, and luckily for all of you, these weekly previews are written much better than Ayn Rand's fevered, sociopathic, bum on the subway rantings. Point is...this team sucks.

And yet the Pounders are not looking much better. Lynch will probably miss Week 1, forcing Donald Brown or Ingram into the lineup. If you wanted to text that somebody, just write P-U. LOL. But Calvin and Gronk alone should be enough to win this one.

THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 77 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 71


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (0-0) vs. LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (0-0)
Toby Gerhart! BenJarvus Green-Ellis! Finally, we shall know who is the better running back! This is exciting. Actually, the Crusaders clearly have the better backfield, much better tight end, and better receivers. Lowcountry has the better QB option and seems to have a richer, fuller life (just guessing), so it's not all bad news.

I can't spend too much more time on this one when the outcome is so patently obvious, but I do have one interesting stat I've been trying to squeeze in and Percy Harvin being on the All Stars makes it germane to this section. Christian Ponder has never won a home as QB of the Vikings (0-5). What the hell?!

THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 110 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 86


PURPLE SWIRLS (0-0) vs. WHIZ-BANG GANG (0-0)
Come Tuesday, one of these two teams is going to look at Nate's 1-0 PF 79 and get really pissed about their 0-1 PF 105. Whether or not it's Caulen will immediately tells us if he's going to re-live 2011 or if he'll actually be good this year.

Please let it be Caulen.

Believe it or not, BOTH Baltimore receivers are facing off in this one, which just sounds terrible for all involved. Caulen then also has Michael Crabtree, which doesn't sound any better. But then he has LeSean and Fred Jackson (Buffalo upset alert!) compared to Steven Jackson and Stevan Ridley on the other side. It's like winning a poker when you both show A-A-J-7, but then you have a 6 and the other guy has a 2.

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 90 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 89

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