TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 99.2 - ISIS 81
Congrats on your two defensive touchdowns. Sooooo impressive and soooooo sustainable. Oh, oh, you're soooooo great! I'm soooooo fuckin' impressed by how great you are! And Alfred Morris is soooooo amazing!
I genuinely considered starting the Red Rifle at QB over the Baby Blue Pile Of Uselessness, but at least that didn't cost me the win. What did cost me was Murray, Tynes and Maclin failing to average 11 points each so I could make a comeback. Useless.
I hate every single person on my team and they are all available for trade. Except AJ Green. Wanna kiss that guy.
CHEST ROCKWELL 82 - MOTHER OF DRAGONS 59.7
Apparently the Dragons were so disturbed by the Seth MacFarlane news (that he's dating their mom) Friday that they were not ready to perform on Sunday. Ryan and Jackson tried, combining for 38 points, but when 3 running backs combine for less than half of that, you're in trouble.
Percy Harvin, who could not be had in a trade on Friday, scored 3 points.
Not to harp on fantasy "experts" again and again, but now they're telling us to go out and pick up Brandon Bolden of the Pats since he had a huge game Sunday. What sense this makes when we were told after Week 2 that Stevan Ridley was the man, then watched in Week 3 as Woodhead got all the carries, and then Week 4 where the Pats had 52 points and TWO 100-yard rushers is beyond me.
That's a long, long way of saying Stevan Ridley had a really nice 22-point game. Shame that Barker benched James Jones and his 2 TDs, but sometimes a man needs to start two tight ends. It just feels right. Didn't cost him the win, at least.
MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 102.9 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 56.5
Yes, it is hilarious that Bill finally summoned up the guts to bench to Chris Johnson, only to see him put up his best game of the year. It would have been more hilarious if he lost because of that, but Chris Johnson didn't score 50 points, so the benching isn't entirely why he lost. Russell Wilson and Shonn Greene sucked - as predicted - but the all-short, all-white and all right receiving tandem of Amendolker was pretty good with 23 combined points.
Aaron Rodgers finally had the kind of game he's supposed to have, and the Niners defense maybe just ended Sanchez' career as a Jet. Not sure if they'll get retroactive bonus points for that, but it doesn't really matter, does it?
(Point of fact: I have more points this season than MRN, but the inverse of his 3-1 record. S'cool.)
ANIMAL HOUSE 116.8 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER 109.4
AFFL teams rarely score 100+ and Tim extremely rarely does, so it sucks a fairly large dong that he did and still lost. He even got a huge game from Turner (including the world's slowest 60-yard receiving touchdown) and lost! Jackie Battle surprised everybody outside of Norv and AJ Smith by getting the start, most of the carries, and a 20-point day and Tim still lost! His kicker had 13 points and still lost!
This was just a devastating turn of events and you should feel shame for laughing about it. Shame on you.
On the other side, Ryan Mathews continued to be shitty and useless with only 8 points, and that somehow did not hurt Animal House. Most likely because Dwayne Bowe scored a garbage time touchdown for the Chiefs, and then Tom Brady threw a bonus touchdown to Brandon Lloyd that had both Lloyd and Animal House smiling like this. And don't forget Jammal Charles, who is suddenly amazing again.
THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 133.1 - ABBADABBA'S 130.9
Wow. Where do you even start with this one? As I usually prefer, let me start with myself. In the Preview, I said that Brian Williams would have the 2nd-most points in the league this week, but lose to the team with the most. I had the sentiment right, but the teams flipped. ALTHOUGH! I was totally right all around until Dallas forgot to cover Brandon Marshall IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD and he eased in a gravy touchdown to give Kangaroo the come from behind win.
This all after it looked like Tony Romo was going to propel Abbadabba (via the Bears defense) to their own come from behind win. I don't know if Barker considered playing Boldin over Vernon Davis, but the 2.8 point effort from Davis is a huge hole on this scoresheet. Like a single Christmas bulb out on the string hanging from your gutter. Just glaring in its emptiness.
Side note: Abbadabba's has 200 points more than The Knight Who Says Ni (To Scoring)
THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 56.2 - OUT FOR REVENGE 50.8
Nah man, don't be embarrassed that you scored 56 and won. Don't hide your face because other teams lost with 130, 109, and 81. Seriously, it's cool. Somebody has to win the D-flight, you know? When the 22-handicappers play skins, somebody has to win by default, right?
Just sit there sipping your drink, not worrying that your entire roster outside of Eli had 40 points. That none of them cracked double digits. That Doug Martin, with 4.2, was only your third-worst player.
Instead, focus on the positives. Things like...this is a head-to-head league and you had the right matchup. A friend of mine plays in a league with a weekly round-robin format, where you match up against every team every week. You would've gone 1-11 this week if we played that way, while Abba would've gone 11-1.
Or another positive, like OFR repeatedly insisting on starting Ben Tate, chasing the 2-TD week he missed when he benched Tate in Week 2. Or that Andre Brown won't ever have a good game again, just like I said. Or that if OFR started Marques Colston against a terrible Green Bay pass defense instead of Tate or Brown, you would've gotten crushed. But Colston's 21 points were on the bench. So you're cool.
1-0 this week. You did it, man. You're amazing.