LAST WEEK: 2-4
ANIMAL HOUSE (3-1) vs. ISIS (1-3)
Is this what it's like to just be playing out the string? I feel like a 55-year old who just got laid off and can't retire to some sunny condo complex with shuffleboard and soft eggs. I'm just sitting around, waiting for the final moments when I can be euphorically released from this earthly agony...but it's taking soooooo long.
Jacquizz Rodgers is a nice project and an interesting scratch and win lottery ticket, but actually needing to start him in a game? Oof. Of course, he can't be worse than Murray or Dez.
Uninteresting side note alert: Both of my fantasy matchups this week feature Brady vs. Dalton. But in my other league, which I now care about much, MUCH more, I have Brady and a 4-0 record. So fuck it, goooo Handsome Tom.
Second sidenote alert: It came out this week that Tom Brady called Jamie Dimon to give him a pep talk after JP Morgan reported a $6 billion loss on unsupervised trading. That is amazing. "Hi Jaime, this is two-time Super Bowl loser Tom Brady. I know what's it like to suffer a big loss, too. But remember, neither one of us will lose our jobs and we're both still super rich. America! Fuck yeah!"
ANYWAY! Baltimore can probably bottle up Jammal "SuperFast" Charles, and Ryan Mathews is so bad and disappointing that he should be on my team. But Andre Johnson will do whatever he wants against Jets corners, and the Junk Man, Dwayne Bowe, will have another meaningless TD.
THE PICK: ANIMAL HOUSE 87 - ISIS 68
SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS (0-4) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (3-1)
This game has one of those weird, early-season college football spread. Kangaroo -41, with no money line option for them.
Flacco can't ever play two good games in a row ("But I am ELITE!), Forte is still hurt and will be rested against stinky Jacksonville, and Michael Turner is still winded from last week's touchdown catch, which makes Jackie Battle the best Seaback.
Of Bri's 6 name stars in his lineup, 3 will be kinda disappointing, but 3 will be explosive. Which 3 specifically? I unno, who cares. This game is not one that warrants close examination.
THE PICK: THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 91 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 70
MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD (3-1) vs. ABBADABBA'S (3-1)
It took five weeks, but Abba's finally gets to start their franchise player, the guy they didn't need at all for their current 3-1 record. Mendenhall's return forces DeSean Jackson to the bench, so expect a 65-yard TD catch from Jackson on a coverage mix-up.
Bob Griffin Jr. Jr. will continue his move of putting up 5 points in the first half, but finishing with 26 points as the Skins come back from a 24-6 deficit to just barely lose 31-27. And anything Griffin throws to Garcon will not be worth full value to MRN, so that's an extra blow.
The thing is, Aaron Rodgers has another chance to really do his thing (barring any eye gouging), so he should match Bob. Roddy White will continue to exploit single coverage, especially against a terrible secondary, so it's going to come down to the FOUR 49ers playing in this matchup. Crabtree? Heh. He sucks.
Crabtree sidenote alert: Remember in 2008 when the Raiders took Heyward-Bey 7th, stunning everybody? And the the Niners took Crabtree 11th, and Crabtree held out, claiming that since he was the #1 rated receiver in the draft, he should've been drafted 7th and it's not his fault that Al Davis is old and insane and just took another random fast guy? And that Crabtree should get a contract equal or greater to DHB's, and this was a problem because rookie salaries were slotted by pick position under the old CBA, more or less?
And DHB is probably more valuable to his team, and a better receiver than Crabtree now. Life is hilarious sometimes. The point of this stories is...I like stories.
THE PICK: ABBADABBA'S 106 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 96
THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (0-4) vs. MOTHER OF DRAGONS (2-2)
Before we get into this matchup (which had 3 guys on Thursday combine for 15 points and 2 injuries), a couple of Steeler notes. Both relevant here, since the Knight owns both parties in question.
1 - With the Rams allowing Steven Jackson to void his 2013 contract year and seek greener pastures, what about a 1-year Steeler deal. It would give Mark Madden his 4th heart attack (this one from joy), Tom from Munhall would approve, and the Steelers would have a hard running back who can grind out games. Jackson's tires have lost some tread, but he could still salt away some games in the fourth quarter if used wisely.
2 - With the Steelers defense aging in dog years and the NFL moving toward a passing game, and the college game somehow producing lots of fast, strong defensive linemen and hardly any human moons that just stand there and eat a double team...is it time to start drafting for a switch to the 4-3? Our pass defense is terrible, and when nickel or dime coverage take LBs off the field, you can forget about QB pressure.
Moving on! The Knight only got 7 out of Jackson and 4 out of Amendola before he broke his collarbone. Chris Johnson is back in the lineup, which means he'll suck again this week, and a still gimpy Fred Jackson won't be doing anything against the Niners defense.
On the other side, except for Ryan Williams being terrible (He just fell down trying to catch the edge on one play), every other player for Gary has a plus matchup.
THE PICK: MOTHER OF DRAGONS 88 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 54
THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (3-1) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (3-1)
Larry should get womyn's ryghts credit for having two players with hyphenated names on his roster. So progressive. Forget history, what about herstory?! Am I right, ladies?
And that's fitting, because he's going to stone cold take it like a bitch this week. Just get tossed on the bed and piped with extreme prejudice. Eli will find a way to be disappointing at home against a shitty team because that's what he does. Good defenses will bottle up MJD and Stevie Johnson, and Julio Jones is the world's most talented decoy.
On the other side, the mere presence of Sean Payton in the Superdome this week will propel Brees skyward, and drafting the third Redskin back turned out to be incredibly canny, as Alfred Morris is now running wild. It was not lucky at all. Scott is good and smart and you should be so lucky to be like him.
THE PICK: TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 83 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPER 64
OUT FOR REVENGE (1-3) vs. CHEST ROCKWELL (2-2)
It is not nice for the NFL Network air games with Kevin Kolb if they feature a skycam and Mike Mayock doing color. The normal FOX broadcast would not have exposed Kolb's lack of vision and skill so voraciously. Fitzgerald should've had at least another 10 fantasy points in this game. Yeah, I know Kolb got sacked 8 times. I'm going to assume his total lack of field vision is at least partially responsible.
On the other side, OFR keeps playing Looper, as Marques Colston gets back into the lineup this week after his 20 bench points this week. Unfortunately, in our world, there is no going back. If there was, I'd currently be in the AFFL draft room, making better picks.
THE PICK: CHEST ROCKWELL 79 - OUT FOR REVENGE 75