LAST WEEK: 6-0 (!!!)
Let's start off with some Steeler talk. I didn't like Todd Haley when he coached the Chiefs, I didn't like hiring him and I don't like him now. The one thing I can give him credit for is having the best 3rd and medium plays in the league. That explains why we're converting 3rd down over 50% of the time...and also why Haley wastes 1st and 2nd down on shitty plays to set up third and medium. I don't know if I'm more tired of the 2-yard run into the middle, or the wide receiver screen with only one blocker in front. Gonna be cool when the 55th WR screen of the season is jumped and turned into a pick-six. Gonna be realllllll cool.
Next item. Can we please find some offensive lineman that don't have the ankles of thoroughbred horses? Do we not tape those things up? At this rate, Dermontti Dawson's Hall of Fame bust is going to be playing center by Week 10. At least it can't hold, I suppose.
Next item. I would not enjoy Ben Roethlisberger personally I don't think, but he is by far the greatest Steelers quarterback I've seen, and probably will be for 10-15 years after he retires. If you did nothing else except swap Matt Cassel and Ben, the Chiefs would be 12-4 and the Steelers would be 5-11 with some lucky breaks. Chiefs have some nice pieces!
Long season ahead. Lonnnnnng season.
On to the picks!
ISIS (1-4) vs. THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (0-5)
I don't think this game would even be aired regionally. Total media blackout. The Knight benched Chris Johnson again, so I'm sure it was extra enjoyable to watch him rack up 11 points, his 2nd-best effort of the season. And that could've been 31 points if he ran properly through the freeway-wide holes the Titans opened up.
Bill benched Johnson in favor of Josh Gordon, once again chasing last week's points. Expect a 0.3 from Gordon this week. Ben was nice, but both Jacksons will have some tough sledding.
The only interesting thing about my team right now is that I'm starting two guys listed as A. Green. What a quirk! Stafford, Murray, and Dez are all due for good games, and because my team is stupid and hates me, look for those good games to come this week, when I'm playing an inferior opponent, which is extremely rare for me. Way to blow those extra points, dicks!
ISIS 91 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 66
TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (4-1) vs. SIGMUND & THE SEA MONSTER (0-5)
Too bad we're not a PPR league. Antonio Brown's 20 yards would be much better, fantasy-wise, if you counted those 4 screens he caught. Further up the roster, Drew Brees is on a bye this week, and it wouldn't surprise me if Scott started a QB on a bye just to make a point. That point being, he can beat Timmy with no QB. A smaller, secondary point being, Scott is Grade-A1 cocksucker.
Or maybe he'll just pick up Christian Ponder tomorrow.
Turner will continue to defy decent common sense with another 10+ effort this week, and Austin might catch a first quarter TD before tweaking his hammy again. On the other side, Alfred Morris is due for a clunker, and I'm feeling frisky on a Friday, so here it is!
SIGMUND & THE SEA MONSTER 80 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 73
CHEST ROCKWELL (3-2) vs. MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD (3-2)
Scott Fujita is suspended by Goodell basically for not ratting out his teammates and coaches. Meanwhile, Calvin Johnson says he suffered a concussion in Week 4 but sucked it up because that's football. The Lions say no he didn't. He doesn't know what he's talking about. (Possibly because he was concussed and is dumb now.) Play heads up football, kids! Roger Goodell cares!
Roger Goodell is worse than Gary Bettman. And yes, I'm aware of the current NHL lockout. But Goodell has created the first anti-NFL backlash in like 25 years. It's like this pasty asshole figured out a way for people to stop liking pizza.
But hey, wait until we have a full-time team in London! Sure, the two teams that play in London currently get an automatic bye the next week to recover, and you probably can't jigger a schedule to provide all 8 London Crumpets road opponents a bye next week. And that London team can never play on Thursday night because it would be 3am local time. Or Monday night. Or even the Sunday late afternoon time slot. And when there's a Seattle-London playoff game one year in the second round, the road team (which just played a Wild Card game the weekend before) will lose by 35, outraging fans everywhere.
I think I hate Roger Goodell's assholish disingenuousness more than Paul Ryan's, and I'm not sure if that's even possible.
Oh right! I'm supposed to be previewing the case of Chest v. Rodgers.
THE PICK: CHEST ROCKWELL 93 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 83
MOTHER OF DRAGONS (3-2) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (4-1)
Everyone in the Central Division is 4-1, except The Knight, which is 0-5. It's like the mid-'90s AFC Central.
This matchup is one of the rare games in which you've heard of every guy at every position. And so there should be points a-plenty. "Points A-Plenty! The pencil that never needs sharpening! Super-strong space age graphite..."
So, as with so much of life, we need to figure out who is about to disappoint us. McFadden has been disappointing all season (except against the Steelers), and Percy is once again hurtsy. Ryan Mathews had his good game of the season, and Brandon Lloyd hasn't done a ton. (But he's reunited with Josh McDaniels!) Plus, the Seahawk corners are all at least 6'1", so they can play against Lloyd's size.
Mm. Rough loss here for whoever gets stuck with it. And the one who is it is y-o-u.
MOTHER OF DRAGONS 101 - ANIMAL HOUSE 100
THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (4-1) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (3-2)
Bri and I exchanged a couple of emails this week in which it was revealed that my total minutes watched of the 2012 NFL season bested his total minutes by like a 150:1 ratio. And yet here he is, with all the good players and a 4-1 record. It was like talking to a hot chick who just won March Madness by picking the best mascots. Except Bri has very small, hairy tits. Quite unattractive.
This wasn't in the emails, but I guarantee Bri is happy to have an excuse to bench Cam this week. Even if it is just a bye.
Except for Julio Jones, every single Bri player is better than every single Larry player. The only really interesting angle here is the Manning Bowl angle. Lucky for you, I don't work for ESPN, or I would burn 1000 words just on that.
THE PICK: THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 99 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 81
ABBADABBA'S (4-1) vs. OUT FOR REVENGE (1-4)
Your franchise player finally returns after shredding his knee. You sit him out for the first game. Hey, makes sense. Ease him back in. He scores like 15 points. So you start him the following week. And then he strains his Achilles and leaves with 17 total yards. And then we all laugh. Ha ha ha, we say. That is terrific, we muse.
Plus, if Griffin is ruled out, Abba will have to start Tony Ohno against Baltimore.
Lucky for Abba's, they are playing Out For Revenge this week, a terrible team that is only good enough to beat me. And maybe not run by the sharpest managements staff. Earlier this afternoon, Bill posted the following to the league's message board:
Put Daniels in & bench Tate
Maybe that was a reminder note to himself (paper's too good for you?), but I THINK it was meant to be a poll. And if so, I would've voted for the third option, "Who cares?"
ABBADABBA'S 87 - OUT FOR REVENGE 55