LAST WEEK: 6-0
Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to know this much about football, to be 24-12 picking FANTASY FOOTBALL MATCHUPS and have such a shitty team?
No, you don't. Because most of you are idiots.
ISIS (2-4) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (5-1)
Bye week, injuries and a total lack of depth are combining to destroying me this week. I thought about engaging in some good old fashioned roster churn and burn, but what's the point. Maybe I'll get lucky with DHB, and the Steelers have regressed to the point where you actually WANT to start QBs against them, but I'm not going to win.
Gary asked me this week what my strategy was going into 2013 with just AJ Green was, and I had to swallow my pride, digest it, shit it out, and then admit that nobody I had was worth a 2- or 3-year contract. It was like asking somebody why they don't get laid more. "IT'S BECAUSE I'M UGLY, OKAY!?!/ IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR?!?!"
Bri has a nice team, though. So nice that he's not even worried about his defense being on a bye.
THE PICK: THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 99 - ISIS 60
SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS (1-5) vs. OUT FOR REVENGE (1-5)
This game brought to you by the Special Olympics and RC Cola.
Timmy offered up his players via fire sale, with the assumption being that he was after draft picks. Although considering his second round pick this was the since-cut Philip Rivers, what's the point?
But unbelievably enough, I'm picking Timmy two weeks in a row. Even more unbelievably, he and I are about to have the same record.
THE PICK: SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 66 - OUT FOR REVENGE 64
THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (3-3) vs. THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (0-6)
The Whitechapel Rippers are the Chili's of this league - fairly successful, though totally unspiring. But if Stevie Johnson was even a tenth as consistent as the Southwestern Buffalo Egg Rolls, this team could be on to something.
By the way, Doug Martin, if you had any way how excited Larry was to draft you this year, you'd be doing a lot on the field. There's no way you'd want to leave him hanging like you are at the moment.
This matchup features three different players from Tennessee/Buffalo game, which doesn't have nearly the electric anticipation of Cleveland/Indy.
THE PICK: THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 77 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 60
CHEST ROCKWELL (4-2) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (4-2)
This week's Calvin Johnson trade was like Jagr for Beech/Sivek/Lupachak. Yeah, I know Chest was going to lose Calvin at the end of the year unless they ditched Fitz and franchised Cal, but all they landed was Willis McGahee? I guess you can count the 1 extra year each for Reggie Wayne and Jimmy Graham. I guess.
Meanwhile, the day AFTER Calvin was shipped out, Scott posts a bulletin offering every back he has in exchange for a good WR. Morris and Bush are both better than McGahee, so either Scott didn't offer them in time or those deals were dashed on the rocks.
Oh, and Scott also offered up AP after just 6 weeks. Hey man, not everybody can move product as well as me. I am going to enjoy those two draft picks of yours.
By the way, this game is going to be a sneakily low-scoring nail biter.
THE PICK: CHEST ROCKWELL 66 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 63
MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD (3-3) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (4-2)
MRN was the team that jumped on Felix Jones, who is benefitting from the passage of time clearing our memories. That's a fancy way of saying that we forgot that Felix Jones sucks. He'll be giving up carries by the second quarter to...uh...shit, I forget what that other Cowboy back is named. Tanner Glass is a hockey player...Tanner something...Phillip Tanner! Boom! Arcane Cowboys for $800, Alex!
Fortunately, Frank Gore went off on Thursday, and Animal House is relying on Fumblin' David Wilson (the Giants' 3rd option), so it might not matter.
This matchup also features Kendall Wright on one side and Kenny Britt on the other, which is hilarious. Animal House is going to drop a close one, then be mad at themselves for not picking up a kicker.
Calvin Johnson stat line: 48 yards, 2 TDs. Book it.
THE PICK: MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 85 - ANIMAL HOUSE 81
ABBADABBA'S (5-1) vs. MOTHER OF DRAGONS (4-2)
We went to a local school/church fundraising carnival tonight, and one of the volunteer staff members was...Edward James Olmos. I had the same moment of recognition that I would if I was at the Holy Innocents Fete and saw Gary's dad manning the goldfish bowl toss. Though Gary's dad never taught calculus to a bunch of Mexican kids from a bad neighborhood. Los Angeles, man.
By the way, I've been gone for so long that I've completely forgotten Gary's dad's name. The only thing I know is that it's NOT Kevin. I know Reg Barker, and I remember Bri's dad was named Richard, but the senior Albert completely escapes me. Jim? No, that can't be it. Wait, maybe it's Jim.
Why do I bring any of this up? Well, Edward James Olmos for one. And also, I'm fucking sick and tired of talking about teams that are better than me. Which is almost all of them. Until next year!
THE PICK: MOTHER OF DRAGONS 101 - ABBADABBA'S 82