Friday, October 26, 2012

AFFL Week 8 Preview

LAST WEEK: 3-3
SEASON: 27-15

Action is starting to get hot and heavy in the league now. Teams are moist with trade excitement. Throbbing anticipation of offers being accepted or rejected. New partners, new faces, new places.

Sex.


ISIS (2-5) vs. CHEST ROCKWELL (4-3)
My entire team is made up of Vice Presidential candidates. Just awful. I need some top of the ticket players! Having -1 points for the next two days is perfectly symbolic of my season. Speaking of the Vikings and their no turnovers last night, can somebody please figure the root cause of why one team (just one) never shows up for the Thursday night game? What is it based on? This will be helpful information.

Willis McGahee will score 15 points this week.

THE PICK: CHEST ROCKWELL 84 - ISIS 58


OUT FOR REVENGE (1-6) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (4-3)
On the surface, these two teams have a lot of a similarities this week. One team has a kicker bye, one has a DST bye. One team will have Andre Brown getting extra points because Bradshaw is probably out, the other will have Randall Cobb getting extra points because Jordache Nelson is probably out and Greg Jennings is definitely out.

But here's where the comparison falls apart. OFR will also be missing Trent Richardson (at full power, at least) and Carson Palmer sucks. So they are going to be murdalized.

THE PICK: ANIMAL HOUSE 101 - OUT FOR REVENGE 55


SIGMUND & THE SEA MONSTERS (2-5) vs. THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (1-6)
Tim is now asking me to predict a win for him every week so he can rally into the playoffs. While I'm generally more interested in using my powers for good than ridiculousness, this is one week where I might just be doing that. Although Timmy is gonna have to meet me halfway and get Jordy out of the lineup and put Dwyer in. Jordy is a game-time decision with a bad hamstring, which means even if he plays, once the Pack are up 24-3 on Jacksonville in the first half, he's coming out of the game.

The Knight came close to setting the league on fire by giving away Wes Welker, so he'd better get Justin goddamned Blackmon into the lineup this week. At least PRETEND that you wanted him. It's not like Josh Gordon is that good.

But here's the thing. Ben will pass on the Redskins, Steven Jackson can find space against a terrible Patriots defense, and Chris Johnson traditionally does well against the Colts. PLUS, Matt Hasselbeck's presence helps out Johnson more than Jake Locker.

So hear me now and believe me later! Timmy is going to lose this week, to the only team in the league that losing to would be considered an upset.

THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 87 - SIGMUND & THE SEA MONSTERS 71


ABBADABBA'S (6-1) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (5-2)
Greg Jennings just had surgery and is out for probably 6 weeks, so that's a bit of karmic retribution for the AFFL scandal of the year. If Scott ends up contracting both Jennings and Welker, keeping them for next year while The Knight only has a 4th rounder to show for it...Jesus Christ spread on a cracker is that a bad fucking trade.

But it didn't bother Bri(y? [I forget which one])an Barker, who showed his first hubris of the season, crowing that Scott still couldn't beat him even after the deal. But is that true?

Mmm. This is a pretty tough call this week. No defense for Scott, but A+/#1/Primetime matchups at every other position. On the other side, Sproles, Jackson, and Vernon for Abba are all completely unpredictable...but that means they could go off at any second. And the Bears defense against Cam could be the difference.

By the way, I'm beginning to suspect that Scott's "silent partner Li'l Jimmy" does not actually exist.

THE PICK: TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 100 - ABBADABBA'S 98


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (3-4) vs. MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD (4-3)
Larry is facing Aaron Rodgers in this league, but owns him in our other league. A classic Prisoner's Dilemma! Actually, that's not what a Prisoner's Dilemma is at all. Is there a name for this very common fantasy situation? Schroedinger's Start? No, that's an even worse comparison. The Grand Bargain? I unno. Whatever it is, Larry is much better in the other league, so he'll perversely be rooting for Rodgers to have a huge day.

That Doug Martin draft pick might've just paid for itself last night. Martin did the scoring of 3 normal men, which is extra helpful this week since Aaron Hernandez didn't even fly to London for the game. And on Larry's bench are MJD (hurt), Daniel Thomas (doesn't play), and Brian Quick (fucking useless). Point is, Martin's 33 will balance out the 0 Larry is about to get from the flex spot.

Doug Martin isn't the only trouble MRN is facing this week. Felix Jones comes pre-hurt, Kendall Wright is...I mean, come on...and Seattle has corners almost as big as Calvin Johnson.

Larry is going to find a way to shove his shitty team into the final playoff spot.

THE PICK: THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 78 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 67


MOTHER OF DRAGONS (4-3) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (6-1)
Gary would like everyone (or at least me) to know that everything he read last week said Ahmad Bradshaw probably wouldn't play. And Sunday morning, before going out apple picking or pumpkin patching or whatever it is he did instead of watching football, he started Kyle Rudolph (Who was totally ranked top 50 by CBS!) instead of Bradshaw.

And Bri would like everybody to know that he's aware that Cam sucks, but he still won't be trading him. Or maybe that was privileged, confidential information. Not sure. The legal disclaimer on the bottom of Bri's accounting firm emails is like 3MB of text. Also, it's pretty obvious he's trying to trade McCoy because he wants to franchise Arian Foster at $0.64 or whatever. This league is not seriously going to help Bri out in this quest, are we? Which would you rather do? Tradey for Shady now and curse Andy Reid's 14-run gameplan? Or draft Arian Foster next season? I mean...seriously.

On to the game. Hilariously, Ahmad Bradshaw might end up missing THIS game, but Gary needs to start him because Rice is on a bye, Brandon Bolden is hurt, Kevin Smith never plays, and Alshon Jeffery is...is he still in the league? Oh! And also...Kyle Rudolph had another shitty week!

Deep in his heart, in the recesses of his soul, Bri knows his team is not 6-1 good. Oh sure, that's his record, but he's been getting chubby on cupcakes so far. His time is coming. Maybe not now, maybe not 'til the playoffs, but soon. And for the rest of the season.

THE PICK: THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 85 - MOTHER OF DRAGONS 70

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