LAST WEEK: 3-3
In the words of Diamond David Lee Roth, "A-WHOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAA!" I never knew a roster decision could shake up the league so much. I felt like Guy Fieri reading the New York Times review of his new restaurant. And I'm not even sure what Barker is fussin' 'bout. I said in my preview he would miss the playoffs, so he already knows how his season ends. It's like Tom Cruise trying to deny his futurecrime in Minority Report.
And forget the vote, the most disturbing part of that email chain (besides the fact that it was 65 messages spread over 3 separate threads) was finding out Tim has kids. I guess the creationists are right, evolution is just an unproven theory.
By the way, just a quick note to clear up what I think is a common and growing misconception. Writing this preview probably takes me 30 minutes each week. Maybe an hour tops if I come and go between capsules. It's really nothing for me. Just because the rest of you need to turn down the TV volume to collect your thoughts doesn't mean I have to.
ISIS (4-6) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (5-5)
You may have heard that I have only six roster players this week, with no kicker and no defense. That is true. But on the other side, Larry has Eli on a bye and has to start Blaine Gabbert. Is that really that much different than having no QB? Also, Daniel Thomas played Thursday and squirted out 3.3 points. Can I not still win this game? Am I not man of flesh and bones, as are you?
Beyond that, Stevie Johnson didn't do much, Julio Jones might miss the game, and BJGE sucks. I'm going to totally win this game and nobody is going to apologize to me or my feelings. But whatever.
THE PICK: ISIS 68 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 55
THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (8-2) vs. OUT FOR REVENGE (4-6)
OFR is going to pull off the upset here. Let's talk about why. First, Bri is still not starting Cam even though the Tampa Bay pass defense is terrible, and they still traded their mental patient best corner to New England. Second, LeShoure will not run against Green Bay. Third, with Julio limited, Patrick Peterson will shut off Roddy White. Fourth, neither Marshall nor Gould will get any points with Jason Campbell skipping stones at quarterback.
For the Revengenistas, Schaub will light up Jacksonville, Trent is going over 100 yards, Denarius can get points on the atrocious Saints passing D, and Rivers will throw at least two completions to Broncos.
There are no jokes in this capsule, only facts.
THE PICK: OUT FOR REVENGE 99 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 71
CHEST ROCKWELL (5-5) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (5-5)
Are the Wild Card spots based on division standing or just overall league record? Because if it's overall, Chest has a nice point lead on Whitechapel and a huge point lead on Animal House, and would do very well for himself to win this game while piling up a bunch of points. Take care of yo' business, son!
With Freeman against a terrible D, Wayne and Ridley playing in a shootout, and Jimmy Graham back to health, Chest should be able to score 2 points for every 1 email generated yesterday. Wow! 90 points!
But because of the whimsical capriciousness of the world in general, and fantasy football in particular, those will not be enough points. Handsome Tom Brady is going to go off, super stoked for the game because of the new Scottish tweed overcoat (retail: $4,999 at a store you never heard of) he has purchased for the post-game presser.
THE PICK: ANIMAL HOUSE 92 - CHEST ROCKWELL 90
TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (7-3) vs. MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD (5-5)
What was Matt Forte traded for again? Ah, I'm sure it was a very reasonable price and Tim will take the draft pick he got in return next year and finally start building that winner.
Welker might miss tomorrow's game, and Bush only managed 3 points, but between Brees and Morris, Scott should be just fine. Particularly because MRN is playing Mendenhall and Felix Jones.
THE PICK: TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 71 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 66
MOTHER OF DRAGONS (5-5) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS (3-7)
Gary has 4 different players on a bye this week, but expertly managed his roster so that he has a full lineup. He also expertly managed the season schedule so he could be playing Tim in a crucial week that could give him control of the division.
In fact, Tim was so excited to lose this week, he couldn't even wait for Sunday. Brian Hartline only scored 3 points on Thursday. Add in the fact that Michael Turner is hurt and will either miss his game or be limited, and Mike Wallace is never going to get a good pass from Byron Leftwich, and you see that Tim's roster is full in number but not in spirit.
THE PICK: MOTHER OF DRAGONS 99 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 50
ABBADABBA'S (7-3) vs. THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (2-8)
Perhaps still upset that he had the worst team last year but didn't get the #1 overall pick (shakes fist "Garrrrrryyyyyy!"), Bill seems determined to give it another shot this year. No quarterback this week, Shonn Greene, Josh Gordon...this team is truly awful.
So Abba will get a leg up in the race up for a playoff bye because of who they're playing this week. Doesn't even matter whether Darren Sproles plays this week or not.
THE PICK: ABBADABBA'S 83 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 44