Not an amazing week for the picks. 3-3? Just .500? By my own lofty standards, average is very poor indeed. But still, are your picks 38-22 on the season? I submit that they are not. Your picks are 0-0, 'cause you're a stone cold bitch, afraid to pull out your dick in traffic and say, "Here is my dick and I stand by it!"
ISIS 94.8 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 69.3
Three times this season I've thought, "Well, this team just doesn't have it. Let's just lose the rest and get a nice draft pick." And all three times I've put up big points in the next game. If you're gonna be bad, just be bad all the way, goddammit!
Bad all the way like Tim, who got 27 points from Flacco (never again), 12 from the defense, and 8 or less from everybody else.
OUT FOR REVENGE 113.3 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 95
Since nobody outside of the direct regional markets watched Denver-Carolina, you probably didn't realize that the Denver defense put up 29 points. But it's true! Carson Palmer somehow put up 17 points when his team lost by 35, and Andre Brown had 2 rushing TDs even though the Giants lost 31-13.
On the other side, AP continues to dominate, which is somewhat unfortunate for Scott. Scott isn't going to win the title this year, but the better AP does, the higher the 2013 pick owed on him gets. As it stands, AP is currently worth 2 first round picks. Two first rounders, just to make the playoffs and lose.
Also, Scott became the first owner to dip into the college ranks this year, picking up Wisconsin's Montee Ball. Ball will no doubt join the long list of Big Ten running backs that have dominated the NFL. Guys like Rashard Mendenhall, Shonn Greene, Ron Dayne, Laurence Maroney, Marion Barber, Curtis Enis, Chris Perry, Mike Hart, Beanie Wells, Maurice Clarett, Darnell Autry, Ki-Jana Carter, Evan Royster, Robert Holcombe, Tyrone Wheatley, Anthony Davis, and Tony Hunt.
ANIMAL HOUSE 72.4 - ABBADABBA'S 63.7
After I posted the Preview this week, some anonymous commentor (name probably rhymes with Ryan Parker) wrote "your upset alert is a joke, at least the point totals anyways..."
That person is right. I said Animal House would win 67-63, but in fact, the final score was 72.4 - 63.7. I was WAY off. Just kidding, I'm a fucking genius. (NOTE: I realize my other predicted point totals were way off this week, but this is the one I caught flak for, so it's all I care about. I'm a like a TV pundit picking out one juicy example to explain why we should defund Medicare.)
What else am I right about? Without huge games from RGIII and Chicago every week, Abbadabba's has no chance at any real damage this season. Though I wonder if McCoy's stats can somehow get more disappointing with Nick Foles at QB.
Dwayne Bowe dropped at least 4 more points worth of receptions.
MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 103.2 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 85.1
The three teams that were 7-2 or better all lost this week, with Bri Williams and Scott getting totally destroyed. Calvin Johnson finally came to life with 207 yards and a TD, Felix Jones had 15 points, Michael Crabtree had 13, and Jake Goddamn Locker had 15 as Tennessee trounced Miami, right as everybody was starting to say, "Hey, Miami is pretty good, folks." This league, man. (Referring to both the NFL and AFFL)
Bri got 20 from Lynch and 17 from Foster and somehow still got crushed, which can't be a great confidence booster. Bri can deny it all he wants, but I wouldn't be surprised to see Cam available in the 2013 draft. If Bri keeps him, it's like holding onto real estate in Somalia just because it's beachfront.
Here's something interesting. Miami gave up 37 points, but only 299 total yards, so they still scored 1 fantasy point.
MOTHER OF DRAGONS 77.7 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 47.4
Annnnnnd...Gary stays in the playoff hunt, even though 3 of the teams that lost this week would've beaten him handily. Funny how that works sometimes. Newly-acquired Eric Decker only posted 1.5 points.
Speaking of that trade, the feedback on it that Gary requested came through loud and clear (2 comments). "Darren McFadden is awful." and "nobody cares about the five man trade with a bunch of crappy players..."
You ask this league for comments, that's what you get. I feel like I work for Frito-Lay and we're focus grouping a new chip flavor.
"So, how do you like our new Bold n' Spizy Southwestern Egg Roll Ruffles?"
"Yeah, they're good."
"Good? That's it?"
"Okay, so you say they're good. What about you, ma'am?"
"Oh, I don't know. They're too spicy for me. I wouldn't eat them."
"I see. Should we change anything?"
"Oh no, I wouldn't eat them. Too spicy."
"What if they weren't so spicy?"
"Oh, I can't picture that."
You are all entirely useless.
Larry is also still officially in the playoff hunt, even though he couldn't crack 50. Even though I'm 4-6 a and outscoring him by 100. Eli has 7 points the last two weeks. What did I say Green-Ellis would have? About 3? I'm sorry, he had 5.8 And his team won in a rout! This league is such a joke. I feel like Mario Lemieux in 1994. I'm so much better than this and I'm just being wasted.
CHEST ROCKWELL 111.5 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 81.4
So, as it turns out, The Knight actually still could sub in players who were actually playing, and he put in Andrew Hawkins and Shonn Greene. Who combined for 13 points. Fred Jackson put up 22 before leaving with a skull fracture or something.
Chest got 26 points from Jimmy Graham and 24 from Tony Gonzalez, which has to be the highest-scoring 2 TE set in league history by at least 20 points.
This Chest team could not possibly be more set up to win a Wild Card game and then lose by 30 in the second round. Start figuring out who's going to be available with the 8th overall pick now.