Please do recall that in the Week 6 Preview I said that if you just swapped Ben and Matt Cassel, the Steelers would be 5-11 if they caught some lucky breaks. Now, a high-strung, always tight, always intense division blood rivalry game isn't a perfect barometer for our overall situation, but we would've routed Baltimore with Ben last night.
And now we're looking at working out Brodie Croyle because he's familiar with Todd Haley's offense? Isn't it more important than he completely and utterly sucks? And we're getting a physical for Plaxico? You know what that physical is going to say? "Slow and has terrible hands."
Jesus Christ. The Steelers are like Apple after Steve Jobs. Running around making bad products, just changing the sizes of existing shit. Gross.
On another note, friends of ours who are of Mexican heritage got
married Saturday and we went to the wedding. It was a full on Catholic
mass wedding, but it was bilingual, so I was even more bored than usual.
They lost me right at "Padre Nuestro..." even though I know all of the
English version. In fact, knowing all of the beats and cadence to the
ceremony, but not the actual words they were using, was bizarre. It was
like watching "Star Wars" in another language. SAY Trayss-pay-oh?
The reception had mariachi and the whole thing. It was a time, man. When you
you include the Jewish wedding I attended a few years ago (with the
smashed glass and everything), and the gay wedding we're attending in
April, I'm going to get the L.A. hat trick. Exciting!
THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 73.2 - ISIS 64.8
With last week's email blizzard in mind, this game is hilarious for a whole host of reasons:
1. M. Barker's kicker and defense scored 8 combined points, which would've made no difference here if I had those two starting for me.
2. Had I started T.Y. Hilton over DHB, which I genuinely considered at 12:30pm PT, I would've won easily.
3. Had I started Dalton over Stafford, which I should've done because Stafford is awful and Dalton was playing the Chiefs, I would've won easily.
4. Had I started both 2 and 3, I would've scored 93 points with no kicker and no defense.
5. Larry's kicker and defense combined for 27 points, partially because Matt Ryan threw 5 INTs at home.
6. Tim's team, with a full roster, scored 34.6 points, or 30 points less than my 75% team.
7. Blaine Gabbert got hurt on a 1st quarter turnover and posted - 0.2, meaning my no kicker and no defense were not the low scorers in this game.
THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 77.7 - OUT FOR REVENGE 72.7
Bill McCamey emailed me Saturday to say that I had the wrong Bill when I said Bill had the worst team in the league two years in a row. As he corrected explained, Bill had the worst team last year and lost the #1 pick to Gary's shenanigans. But this year, Bill has the worst. This stupid league has 12 teams and 8 first names, plus Gary and Larry rhyme.
ANYWAY! Bill MCCAMEY, not Bill KNIGHT, had Matt Schaub on the bench for a historically monstrous day. Instead he started Carson Palmer, which cost OFR 19 points at the QB spot and the win. I'm going to attempt to break down Bill MCCAMEY'S thinking on this roster move. He can correct me if I'm wrong.
"Let's see...Houston is giving 16 and the Jags suck. So Houston will probably be up a ton early, and may even sit Schaub in the 4th quarter. But Carson is facing the Saints pass defense, which is the worst in the league. Plus, Oakland will probably be losing and passing all day to catch up."
That's why none of this pre-game complaining matters. Now that there is information overload on TV, online, on our phones, on our tablets, fantasy football is like poker. There are basic strategies. Ways you can improve your odds. Obvious mistakes to avoid. But everybody basically has the same information and ideas. And until the games are played or the cards are actually flipped, none of it fucking matters. Pocket kings can lose to junk cards on the flop, and you can outthink yourself on which quarterback to start.
Speaking of quarterbacks, Bri still refuses to play Cam, while claiming that he's keeping Cam forever. He also continues to win games he doesn't deserve to.
ANIMAL HOUSE 115.7 - CHEST ROCKWELL 61.2
It rained on Saturday for that wedding I mentioned, but the DJ didn't have the guts (or mp3 file) to play Alanis Morissette's "Irony." It's like raaaaaaaa-eeeeee-aaiiiiiiiinnnnnnn!
Speaking of, this game was a good bit of irony. John Skelton was benched in favor of RYAN LINDLEY after overthrowing Fitz early, and then Lindley helped Fitz' stats not at all. It turns out that Nick Foles isn't the answer in Philly just because he's white, and McGahee got his knee blown out and is done for 6-8 weeks. So Barker is no longer competing for the playoffs and no longer cares what the hell you do with your roster.
Meanwhile, look at this Animal House team. They have some pretty damn good pieces. If they could put a win streak together and sneak into the playoffs...
MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 111.4 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 63.5
Calvin Johnson sure is coming on lately. Touchdowns in two straight weeks now. Who saw that coming? And now the guy he was traded for it is done for the year. Of course, Gronk is also out for the season now, and Titus Young is suspended by the team for this week, so MRN might not be cracking 100 again any time soon. Also, with every carry he gets Jonathan Dwyer shows how useless Mendenhall is. But why rain on the MRN parade? They won by 50!
The Miami offense has 30 points in three games, Forte is going nowhere without Cutler, Welker is going to see triple teams with Gronk and Hernandez out, and Montee Ball is still in college. But you're still 7-3, bruh!
MOTHER OF DRAGONS 85.9 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 34.6
First, let it be said that Gary would've beaten all but 2 teams this week with his 85 point total. Vincent Jackson can be invisible all game and then go off on two drives, and Cecil Shorts is probably a lineup fixture.
Now that we're done with that, let's talk about Timmy. He's 3-8 this year. He was 4-10 last year. He was 5-9 the two years before that. Whoever plays him coming down the stretch has an advantage over the other teams. That is a fact. His entire team is either backups, average players, or stars having down years. If a team playing him this week had only Matt Schaub and a kicker, or only Andre Johnson and a kicker, that team would've won. I could've beaten him with just Dez and AJ.
Tim plays Whitechapel and Abba in the double dip this week, and then Chest to close the season. If Barker happens to get to 7-6 this double week and plays Tim to potentially make the playoffs, I'm sure he won't be complaining then.
In the Standings grid, there is a category of Weeks. It tracks who had the highest point total in the most weeks. I lead the league with 3. Bri Williams has 2. Most teams have 1 and 0. I am inconsistent, but not tanking. If we want to go to a system where every team plays every other team every week, just let me know. Also, I am full of wine right now.
ABBADABBA'S 78.7 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 41.3
I have been saying for 3-4 weeks now that the Knight needs to play Justin Blackmon. He traded good players to Scott for Blackmon, Josh Gordon sucks, Shonn Greene sucks, etc. Justin Blackmon had 236 yards and a touchdown Sunday. Put that in the lineup plus any functioning quarterback and The Knight could've won this game.
But Abba's won, thanks to 31 huge points from Robert Griffin, who is nothing like Cam at all. I mean that seriously. Griffin is very accurate and seemingly much smarter about when to run and doesn't pad out his fantasy stats with rushing TDs like Cam last year. Griffin is genuinely extremely good.
LeSean McCoy is also extremely good, but he's concussed now because Andy Reid had him playing in a 31-6 game with 2 minutes left. This Abba's team is going to be extremely vulnerable in the playoffs if Bob Griff isn't amazing every week.