ABBADABBA'S 89.3 - ISIS 70.3
This is going to sound a bit like bragging about my super-hot Canadian girlfriend that you guys have never met but is totally a real person, but...in my other league, I'm currently 9-0 and already clinched a playoff spot. What does that have to do with this league? Well, the answer is...fuck you, I don't need you.
Other people I don't need are every player on my roster except AJ Green. You want to give up a good draft pick for Eric Decker, DeMarco or Stafford? Or a medium one for Dez? I'm your guy.
LeSean McCoy had 100 yards rushing in the first half. So Andy, being eternally Andy, started running more 0-back shotgun sets behind a terrible offensive line. Yes, it was 21-3, but it was also the first half and McCoy was picking up passing play-grade chunks. Andy Reid is a goddamn idiot, and his terrible coaching was only protected by years of quality rosters. Please do notice that within the past 2-3 years, Andy has taken control of the franchise, making bad personnel decisions, hiring Juan Castillo, changing the defense and generally being terrible. When he comes back to coaching in 2014, signing one of those coach/GM dictator deals in San Diego or whatever, that team is definitely going 22-42 over 4 years.
Fucking Bears defense, man. Gonna be cool when Abba's get crushed in the playoffs because they didn't get a DST.
THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 88.8 - ANIMAL HOUSE 71.1
On Friday, I mentioned that Larry's fraud tour would continue and sure enough, he's currently 5-4 and in the playoffs. However, I never would've guessed the fraud would be perpetrated by Doug Martin, who scored 58% of the Rippers' total points this week. That is a totally sustainable model!
Animal House did not, in fact, pick up a fill-in QB this week. That soft sigh you just heard is the sound of giving up. They also benched Isaac Redman, which - hey, hindsight is 20/20 - was a really terrible decision.
OUT FOR REVENGE 85.6 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 80.7
At this point, The Knight probably doesn't even want to win in order to increase his lottery chances, but if HE STARTED JUSTIN BLACKMON OVER JOSH GORDON LIKE I KEEP RECOMMENDING he would've won this week. Again, I can only run one team at a time here, folks. You have to meet me halfway.
It's like how I voted today (https://twitter.com/Krogs140/status/265867019277185024) and because I live in California, one of the ballot measures was whether or not porn performers should be required to wear condoms on screen. (Assuming male-only condoms, female condom not mentioned.) I voted no, not just because bareback is thrilling, but also because I cannot protect you from your own bad decisions.
I really have to take back all the bad things I said about Trent Richardson in the Season Preview. Sure, he still could get a devastating knee injury, and I don't take back the bad things about OFR as a whole, but Trent is really pretty goddamn good.
THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 115.9 - CHEST ROCKWELL 74.5
Bri sent me an email this morning complaining that I didn't help him out by beating Brian Barker, which is a real Romney thing to do. You're doing great, you got yours, you're in the league's 1%...what are you picking on the little guy for? Is it because you know Cam Newton sucks and has no future, much like fundamental GOP policy positions?
Anyway, Bri left 3 Mikel LeShoure TDs on the bench this week (like everybody else), and got -3 from his defense, so this one could've been a lot, lot worse.
Also in the Season Preview, I picked Chest to miss the playoffs. Barker quickly emailed to say that is not a thing that happens to him. But with a 4-5 record and no QB, it's an uphill battle. Hey, I heard Matt Stafford is available!
SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 85.1 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 76.9
Once again, I pick Timmy to win and he goes out and does it. I didn't realize I was so inspirational. We even had a Mike Wallace appearance this week!
MRN currently leads the Eastern Division (aka, the 2009 NFC West), but only 4 TDs from Aaron Rodgers kept this game from looking much, much worse. Whoever is going to get the Eastern champ matchup in the first round of the playoffs is effectively getting the third bye.
TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 92.1 - MOTHER OF DRAGONS 86.2
Maybe AP was worth 2 first round picks, after all. Unless, of course, Scott loses in the playoffs, which he most certainly will do.
Gary would've won this week and taken control of the Eastern if he had only started his franchise player. That is all.