Friday, September 28, 2012

WVFL Week 4 Preview

LAST WEEK: 5-1
SEASON: 12-6

I'm back, baby! Picks-wise. Comedically, this is going to be an off week.

YOU: "Comedically, they're all off weeks!"
ME: "Hey, fuck off, square pants."

This week at work was the anti-tits as I wore myself out launching two projects that absolutely nobody will care about by Thanksgiving. You want to solve Middle East tensions? Give everybody over there soul-crushing marketing jobs they all need to pay their mortgage. No time or energy left for protesting or firebombing. Fool proof plan.

Anyway, the quick hitter picks. I'm making these picks faster than you move trying to clear your browser history when you hear your wife's car in the driveway.


THE NEV-R-WINS (3-0) vs. LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (2-1)
My goal this year is to go undefeated and win the title. Tom Brady is gonna finish what he couldn't in 2008.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 131 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 105


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (1-2) vs. ATLAS SHRUGGZ (0-3)
 It's not my job to run other guys' teams, but...NATE! HAKEEM NICKS WILL NOT PLAY THIS WEEK EITHER!

THE PICK: THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 101 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 71


ZOLTAN'S ZEROS (2-1) vs. IRON CITY POUNDERS (2-1)
Zoltan has three quarterbacks, all of whom are totally mediocre and totally interchangeable.

THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 91 - ZOLTAN'S ZEROS 75


HACKS (2-1) vs. FIREROCK ROCKERS (2-1)
If we know anything about TK, besides that he is outstanding, it's that he's always involved in the Toyota Blowout of the Week.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 95 - HACKS 60


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (2-1) vs. WHIZ-BANG GANG (1-2)
Upset alert!

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 107 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 94


DEATHFROMABOVE (0-3) vs. PURPLE SWIRLS (1-2)
I just want to eat half a piece of shitty Cheesecake Factory cheesecake and go to bed. I'm so American.

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 109 - DEATHFROMABOVE 77

AFFL Week 4 Preview

LAST WEEK: 2-4
SEASON: 10-8

Shitty picks last week, but an actual win for my team. Why can't EVERYTHING work out for me one of these times? What is this yin-yang bullshit? I ride Western medicine and beliefs 'til I die!



TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (2-1) vs. ISIS (1-2)
This would be a pretty good week for AP to go off for 3 touchdowns. BUT! I have him in my other fantasy league, so that would hurt and help me. More of this yin-yang shit! Brees will get his points, but Alfred Morris...I mean, the Redskins just signed Ryan Grant for "depth." While I concede the technical accuracy of having four running backs on the roster being deep, it won't help Morris. Bush is hurt and new pick up Artrell Hawkins is not going to score 60-yard TDs every week. That's AJ Green's job.

Speaking of my cool team, my biggest challenges this week will be resisting the temptation to start Jacquizz Rodgers over DeMarco, looking for some hipster cred. And also not screaming when Dez finally scores his first TD of the season on my bench. Man, that's gonna make me so steamed!

And yes, when I win this week to go 2-2, I'll be right back to irrationally confident, the polar opposite of my irrational despondence at 0-2. Again, the yin-yang. The circle of balance shall be complete.

THE PICK: ISIS 81 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 74


MOTHER OF DRAGONS (2-1) vs. CHEST ROCKWELL (1-2)
Although on the surface, only getting 9.6 points from Ray Rice seems like a problem, it's more than Kevin Smith will provide. A bigger problem, one might aruge, is carrying two tight ends in a league that doesn't force you to start any. I unno. Maybe trying to pick matchups based on opposing defenses is a thrill.

But what does that matter? MOD is gonna roll this week. Vincent Jackson might score 50 against the Redskins tertiary. (Horrible nerd joke: They're not good enough to be a secondary.) Let's focus on the more interesting thing about them this week, the news that the chick who plays Khaleesi (Gary's icon chick) is dating...wait for it...hang on, you're not ready yet...SETH MACFARLANE. Ugh. I do not support this whole push to make this baby-faced, pumpkin-headed hack a star.

Oh right! The game. So...I guess Matt Cassell lost his job. FolesWatch 2012 is officially underway! And when Jason Pierre-Paul puts a helmet in Vick's armpit Sunday night, we'll all be ready for Foles. Foles is exactly what Eagles fans have been looking for in a quarterback. Tall, strong arm, and white as mayo on a turkey sandwich.

THE PICK: MOTHER OF DRAGONS 91 - CHEST ROCKWELL 66


THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (0-3) vs. MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD (2-1)
Let's break this one down by position. On the one team, you have Shonn Greene, Chris Johnson, Fred Jackson. Which gives you one slow guy who sucks against a great defense, one fast guy who sucks against any defense, and a good guy who had his knee bow to the outside like a guitar string two weeks ago. The other team has Mark Ingram, Willis McGahee, Frank Gore. Which gives you a slow guy who only gets a goal line carry every other week, a slow guy against a great defense, and a good guy who had his knee bow backwards into the shape of a waxing moon in a long-ago Fiesta Bowl. Call it a push. Push that shit out, to be precise!

At receiver, you have Welker and Amendola on one time, which is not racist at all. They will dominate pluck points. On the other side, you have Crabtree and Gronkbot. Push...ish.

At defense, you have the Niners against Sanchbow on one team and the Steelers against Bye on the other. Big advantage to MRN.

Which brings us to quarterback, where we have...hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Seriously?! Okay. For real? Okay, if you say so. Ahem. So we have Russell Wilson against Aaron Rodgers. Listen, I know Seattle is 2-1, and I know Mike Tirico said of Russell Wilson, "His intangibles are off the charts." But he doesn't throw very well, and he runs too much, like a typical rookie QB. And aren't everybody's intangible off the charts? If they were charted, they would become tangible by definition.

Anyway, New Orleans is giving up 30 points a game and Aaron Rodgers is due for a good one.

THE PICK: MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 79 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 54


ANIMAL HOUSE (2-1) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER (0-3)
If I had two Chargers on my team and only wanted to start one in case...I don't know, for any reason I guess...I think I would pick Gates over Jackie Battle. But that's just me. I'm just one guy with an opinion. An opinion that matches every other opinion in America on this subject. Pouty Joe Flacco ("Seriously, guys! I'm TOTALLY top 5 in the league!") had a nice 20 point for Sigmund, but Michael Turner is back in the lineup and that just plain isn't a good thing.

Jammla Charles is guaranteed to only score 5 points this week, right? That's just how it works, innint it? And Ryan Mathews is already disappointing. And after such a long wait, too! But Brady will about cancel out Flacco, the AH receivers will dominate that matchup, and defensive TDs are always a fun bonus. Like that giant freak peanut with 3 legumes inside.

THE PICK: ANIMAL HOUSE 80 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER 70


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (2-1) vs. ABBADABBA'S (3-0)
The 5-star big dick matchup of the day. Abba can really assert themselves as king of the hill here with a win. Lord of Shit Mountain! All hail!

This game features the two young QBs everybody is lathered up about. Both should be playing from behind all day, but only one can actually throw a football well. Bob will outscore Cameron. Andy Reid will continue to limit LeSean McCoy for some reason, while Sean Payton absence will limit Sproles. Brandon Marshall and Victor Cruz are both feast or famine, which I'm sure is very annoying for their owners.

(Brandon Marshall for Matt Stafford - the rare trade that works out for neither team)

Then again, DeSean Jackson against the Giants is prime time is always good for some big plays. He might finally have a good game this year! Good for him! Too bad Arian Foster is going to ruthlessly abuse the Titans.

Bad news, Bri. You're going to score enough points this week to beat all but 1 team. The team you're playing.

THE PICK: ABBADABBA'S 100 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 99


OUT FOR REVENGE (1-2) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (2-1)
I guess it's time to admit that Trent Richardson does not suck. But the Cleveland curse is still real. I'm pretty Brandon Weeden physically can't move his neck, why explains why he never looks at anybody but his target receiver. They should give Greg Little #17 since he's Braylon Edwards all over again, and Josh Cribbs was almost killed last night. Only his thick, luscious braids prevented him from a major skull fracture.

Speaking of, with all these long braids in the league now, when somebody going to pick out a Japanese monster-sized afro? Looking all like curly shaving cream shooting out of the earholes.

Point is, Trent Richardson's knee is most certainly going to blown out in horrific fashion by Week 7. Trade him while you can.

Although Andre Brown and Ben Tate will do nothing this week, OFR is better everywhere else this week. Sure, Julio will have a touchdown, and Eli will probably throw for 350, but WHATEVER. The AFFL takes another step toward perfect parity.

THE PICK: OUT FOR REVENGE 92 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 81

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

AFFL Week 3 Review

Wow! Three games in overtime at once! Kick return touchdowns! Tipped Hail Marys! A game-winning kick straight over the post! A game-winning interception! Incompetence and confusion that makes Mitt Romney look like Boss Tweed organizing his bribe money!

This was sommmmmmmme week.


ISIS 100.5 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 36.7
Christ, I can't even tank right. The week after I give up, a post a score that looks like the FM number for K*STAR, playing the hottest Top 10 hits, with Katy Perry on on the 1s!

But in regards to this game, at what point do you stop being angry at the man issuing the savage beating, and start getting angry at the guy being pummeled for not fighting back? Fourteen seconds into Sunday, AJ Green caught a 73-yard touchdown, and that's as close as this one would ever be.

And now the entire league knows this is lurking in me. You may not like me, you may not respect me, you may not know if I wear glasses or not, but deep down inside, you know something terrifying lurks. I am the Bruce Banner of this league. Don't make me angry. You won't like...ah, you know the rest.


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 84.6 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 73.3
Hang on...Danny Amendola isn't going to have 15 catches every week? Well shit! And in a DET/TEN game featuring 85 points, over 1000 yards of offense, overtime, and Jake Locker going wild, Chris Johnson had 29 total yards. It. Is. Over. It's over, Johnny. "Nothing is over! Nothing!" Yes, Chris Johnson being even mediocre is over.

Lucky for Scott, Antonio Brown's fumble at second base didn't cost him the game, just the Steelers. And Reggie Bush getting hurt will be a bigger problem next week than it was this week.


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 89.4 - CHEST ROCKWELL 83.3
Matt Cassel. Heh. I mean...how do you upset the Saints, put up 30+ points, and only have 5.4? Can't he get some credit for handing off to Jammal Charles?

I told you Calvin was due, I told you MJD would rip up the Colts, but I also said Fitz would continue to do nothing. Partial credit.

By the way, those first 2 weeks when Stevan Ridley got the ball a ton and it looked like Belichick finally had a back he would lean on? Remember those good old days? They made every Woodhead carry Sunday night - and there were plenty - even more hilarious


ABBADABBA'S 99.9 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER 78.2
Looks like only cool people could crack 100 this week. Young(er) Barker is 3-0 and the only team in the AFFL with 300+, which seems extremely odd to me, given all my experience in this league. Plus, he was right about benching Romo and I was wrong, so there's that, too. What? CJ Spiller got hurt?

Timmy claimed on the scoreboard Sunday that he "shit the bed" by not starting Turner. While I hope very much that my constant bashing of Turner influenced the benching, I would like to point out that the this particular bed was soiled beyond repair long ago. Furthermore, Turner's 14 points weren't the difference, and he's still terrible. Michael Turner right now is a black John Kuhn. Whoa. That's a racial tightrope I'm walking right there. Let's move on.


ANIMAL HOUSE 88.4 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 78.2
Last week, I politely inquired what Mikel Leshoure might cost a man. Bri "hilariously" replied that he would trade Leshoure for Stafford. I now politely point out that Bri would've won this week if he actually started Leshoure, whom he loved so much. Or Torrey Smith. Or his entire bench, which scored 87.1 points compared to the 78.2 his active players started. Hey man, maybe next time. And I'm sure Brandon Marshall will have a second good game really soon.

Where you been, Jammal Charles? And man, Animal House sure was eager to shove Ryan Mathews in the lineup? What is with people loving that guy?

Side note: David Wilson's 3-year contract is looking AMAZING right now. Jamarcus Russell had a more reasonable deal.


MOTHER OF DRAGONS 93.7 - OUT FOR REVENGE 91.3
Pretty sure I said on Friday that Ben Tate was not going to recreate that 2-touchdown effort from Week 2. People, I can't stress this enough. If you want to win games, listen to me! It's really important. Andre Brown's only good game this year...wasted.

And I didn't say this last week because I thought everybody had seen it, but...Gary! Kevin Smith lost his starting job! You shouldn't start him in a crucial game! You're lucky Darren McFadden was facing a defense older than "I didn't do it."

Saturday, September 22, 2012

WVFL Week 3 Preview

LAST WEEK: 5-1
SEASON: 7-5

THE NEV-R-WINS (2-0) vs. IRON CITY POUNDERS (2-0)
Jennings, Garcon, Maclin...all hurt. Usually I get off to a good start and then the injuries come in and ruin my season. This time, it's only taking 2 games. Why delay the inevitable, I guess. Peterson will do less than nothing against the Niners, Ben Tate definitely will not have another 2 touchdowns since I'm playing him this week, and I wouldn't be surprised if both Jennings and Doug Baldwin (new emergency pickup) missed Monday's game, leaving me with an empty roster slot.

But you know what? My team is going to rally and dig deep and show heart and some other cliche! Ryan will struggle, forget about DHB, and Donald Brown and Peyton Hillis! Gut check time!

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 88 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 80


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (1-1) vs. ST. A'S CRUSADERS (1-1)
The one step forward, six steps backwards management continues for the Elbow. Although he is yelling online at Hakeem Nicks for not playing, it was announced by at least Tuesday that Nicks was out and wouldn't even make the trip to Charlotte.

Let's not too spend too much more time on this one. It'd be like breaking down the matchup between a tiger and a ribeye.

THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 105 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 70


ZOLTAN'S ZEROS (1-1) vs. DEATHFROMABOVE (0-2)
Brandon LaFell only scored 2.7 points on Thursday. Kinda rough to burn a roster spot on that measly production. The only silver lining for LaFell is that with Chris Johnson on his team, he might not be the worst DFAer of the week.

On the other hand...Austin, Holmes, Colston. Can anybody predict these guys? Even the great me? Probably not.

It says here that Tony Romo carries DFA to a mild upset. That is the official prediction of this very poorly-written capsule.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 91 - ZOLTAN'S ZEROS 88


HACKS (1-1) vs. LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (2-0)
The LAS are already playing the "Nobody believes in us card" that's so popular these days, while at the same time lobbying the press (me) for more favorable coverage. It's a bit like the Romney campaign, except with the weekly comedy injection. But the good times might be coming to an end soon, also like the Romney campaign.

Cam was a letdown again this week, Percy Harvin will not be able to shake the Niners, and forget about Jonathan Dwyer. For the Hacks, Mathews probably won't play, but Ben, Trent, and Darren (sounds like a real bro squad) should carry the day.

At least the All Stars are pretty comfortable with the feel of losing. It's so familiar.

THE PICK: HACKS 87 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 84


ATLAS SHRUGGZ (0-2) vs. PURPLE SWIRLS (0-2)
While we are all enjoying the tremendous comedy of Caulen struggling to win a game in the WVFL, be aware that it will end this week. It will not be close, it will be frightening, and hopefully it will only be a temporary reprieve.

As for Atlas, what can be said except wow. And ouch.

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 120 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 70


FIREROCK ROCKERS (1-1) vs. WHIZ BANG GANG (1-1)
So is Victor Cruz good or not? Is he only good if he plays the slot? I don't know. Who cares? It's Saturday afternoon.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 110 - WHIZ BANG GANG 97

AFFl Week 3 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2
SEASON: 8-4

Another 4-2 week for the AFFL picks, another crushing defeat for ISIS, another lopsided Thursday night game. Have we already settled into the rote by Week 3? Maybe having a kid together will shake things up.



MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD (2-0) vs ISIS (0-2)
Fuck it, I'm already tanking for next year's #1 overall pick. If Indy went into "Suck For Luck" mode last year, I'm already in "Lost 'Er For Foster" mode in Week 3. This Tumblr about my backup QB is 1,000,000 times more enjoyable than anything my team has done or will do. At least Steve Sabol doesn't have to watch any more NFL Films tape of this team.

Jacquizz Rodgers is so much more useful to Atlanta than Michael Turner, but is entirely useless to me because he isn't playing. Maclin is hurt again, something that will last all year. Dez sucks. Eric Decker is white and Peyton Manning can't throw it more than 20 yards without Tebowing. By which I mean throwing an end-over-end duck.

Thing is, this is not such a great week for MRN, either. The Monday night crowd and poor offensive line could hurt Rodgers, Ingram will score either 0 or 8.1 points, and Minnesota could at least contain Gore and Crabtree. Lucky for them, they're playing the worst team in the league and will be able to get away with having their worst week to date.

THE PICK: MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 71 - ISIS 49


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (1-1) vs. THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (0-2)
Okay, technically this is the worst team in the league but the difference is like choosing between being kicked in the bare shin or having your hand smashed in a car door. What does it matter, really? 


Adrian Peterson will continue to annoy Scott, but he will do nothing against the Niners. In fact, if he doesn't get re-injured, that should be considered a great week. Brees is going to maul the Chiefs, sure, but Morris and Bush are going to struggle with their matchups as well. Scott could consider turning to his bench, except...all of those guys are pretty terrible. Floyd and Brown will carry the show, though. Go. Row.

Unless there's some sort of weird 10-6 Raiders fluke win like 3-4 years ago, Ben should put up huge numbers against a terrible team. Steven Jackson is hurt, Greg Jennings is probably out, the Patriots have sent Wes Welker to the corner, Shonn Greene makes Michael Turner look explosive...there's nobody for rely on here!

As for Chris Johnson...the face of the franchise. CJ0K has a 2012 salary of $2.18. The Knight could drop him as a franchise player and I think he might spend the entire season on the scrap heap. Only Timmy would spend $2.18 on 11 yards a week, and he can't manage the cap well enough to afford another $2+ player. Drop him, Knight. Show this league you mean business!

THE PICK: TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 69 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 53


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (1-1) vs. CHEST ROCKWELL (1-1)
I mean...I know the Arizona defense is looking pretty fierce so far, but Chest is willingly start Matt Cassel over Mike Vick this week. Is there any possible way this works out? Ridley is going to have tough sledding against Baltimore, and Fitz continues to be a virtuoso guitarist in a super-shitty bar band. If Fitz had Eric Clapton's attitude, he'd be on his 10th team by now.

(Side note: Awesome super group that would only last for 3 songs before breaking up: Rod Stewart, Eric Clapton, Sting.)

So that's going to leave Calvin (he's due) and Wayne to go off. Oh, and Jimmy Graham. But will that be enough? Well, MJD should go off against Indy as usual, and if he doesn't, it's time to cut him. It can't be too fun to rely on Steve Johnson, and I'm calling San Diego huge on Sunday, which will limit Julio Jones.

Matt Cassel. Heh.

THE PICK: CHEST ROCKWELL 81 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 75


ABBADABBA'S (2-0) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER (0-2)
Last week, I wondered who Daryl Richardson is, figuring he must be St. Louis' 4th string running back. I was way off. He's their 2nd stringer. I know this now because 85 fantasy "experts" told me about Richardson this week.

By the way, fantasy "expert" columns have become a completely fungible product, like crude oil or bottled water. Every Tuesday, every online source has the exact same waiver wire targets - lowly-owned guys who just had a good game. Hey guys, thanks for the tip on Danny Amendola. Back to the game!

The hilarity of Victor Cruz' 4 point game slowly turning into a rock-hard white turd between Thursday and Sunday is tempered a bit by LaFell's even worse performance. No advantage gained for either side. Watching Eli throw for 500 against Tampa is not enough to get Romo into the lineup against Tampa this week, but between Michael Bush, Spiller and Vernon, AbbaD will have plenty of points this week.

I guess it's nice to know that if Michael Turner can't run fast any more he can still drive fast. He is so terrible.

THE PICK: ABBADABBA'S 90 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 64


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (2-0) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (1-1)
Cam Newton is a one-man Wildcat offense. And by that I mean...he made a big splash when nobody knew what to expect, but the league eventually figured him out. He flat-out throws like Vince Young (hard and inaccurately) and good defenses with good line play can easily figure out how to bottle him up. He'll still have huge games when he's facing the right defense, but other than that? I'd be selling high on him right now. But that's just me. What do I know? I'm 0-2. Maybe Bri doesn't mind that lingering doubt from week to week. Maybe the suspense is thrilling for him.

And it won't even matter this week. For Animal House, Charles is hurt, Mathews is still out, Ike Redman is useless. The only question, like every week, is will Dwayne Bowe score 2 or 22?

THE PICK: THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 89 - ANIMAL HOUSE 55


MOTHER OF DRAGONS (1-1) vs. OUT FOR REVENGE (1-1)
Hey, did you pick up Andre Brown this week? No? You must not read every fantasy "expert." Yes, the same ones who were in a lather over David Wilson before the season started. Too bad for you, because Andre Brown had 25 points this week, even though it's not entirely clear if he's good. All he had to do was run straight against a god-awful (atheist lowercase!) defense.

Side note: Bill emailed me this week, decrying the sunshine and rainbows Week 2 review as too nice, asking me to get back to the nasty. So we can eliminate him as the rude Anonymous. Suspects are dwindling, but we all know it was Timmy, don't we? Moving on!

So for the second straight week, Gary wakes up Sunday already in a giant hole. Can he get out? (No, no. Dig UP, stupid!) Well, Darren McFadden will probably gash the terrible Steelers front 3 until he tweaks something, and Vincent Jackson is the only real option in Tampa. But Matt Ryan will struggle in the out of doors (Guy straight up hates sunlight), Kevin Smith has already lost his job, and some Niner is going to hit Percy Harvin so hard that a woman in the stands who's not even related to Percy will begin to cry.

I guess that's a long no.

THE PICK: OUT FOR REVENGE 91 - MOTHER OF DRAGONS 75

Monday, September 17, 2012

AFFL Week 2 Review

Somebody left the following comment on the Week 2 Preview:

you are one annoying some bitch. Your like, a rash that won't go away.

When I mentioned that people should feel free to leave comments on the post, I neglected to clarify that I only like hearing positive comments about myself and my ramblings. As I always say, "If you have something to say about me, say it behind my back."

However! Though "Anonymous" doesn't have a great grasp on contractions, capitalization, comma usage or the word annoysome (which, in fairness, has extremely rare usage), perhaps he has a point. So for this week's review, I will change things up and only say positive things about the other teams, while stridently bashing my own team, which obviously sucks. Consider this the cool topical cream to salve the normal rashiness.


OUT FOR REVENGE 89.2 - ISIS 65.2
Maybe Anonymous was actually Trent Richardson. Judging by his 26 pts (145 total yards and 2 TDs), he did not appreciate my summary of his abilities in the Season Preview. Trent Richardson is a great player and is going to have a long and rich career. Ben(ched) Tate had 21 points (on 2 TDs) on the bench, and I am sorry OFR had to feel that frustration. We all know how it goes in fantasy football sometimes. Nothing you can do. But at least you still got the win, which is the ultimate goal. Steve Smith had a nice game too, thanks to that one long pass he caught.

My team isn't very good. It's time for me to take a long, hard look in the mirror and figure out what I want from this team. And also life. Normally I love looking in the mirror because I'm handsome and have great hair, but this is no time for jokes. Always joking, wiseguy. This is why you don't get ahead in life and why you're relying on two Dallas Cowboys. Jeremy Maclin was so invisible yesterday that I genuinely wondered if he was playing...and I was watching the Eagles game. Then he caught one pass (a TD on broken coverage) and then got hurt again. ISIS sucks, the players suck, their draft sucked, 2012 is a lost a cause, and the owner is a cocksucker of the highest order. Other than that, things are great.


ABBADABBA'S 122.3 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 103.2
This game did indeed come down to Julio Jones vs. Roddy White on Monday Night Football, but hey, any idiot could've guessed that one. No credit for me there. It's a genuine shame that one of these teams had to lose, because they both deserved to win. In fact, they would've beaten every team in the league except Scott Albert. Let's hope one of these guys don't come up one win short of a playoff berth this winter. That would be pretty unfair.


Larry got 61.5 points just out of the Bucs/Giants game. Good for him. It must've been quite exciting to follow the second half of that wild game as the teams went back and forth. Ninety minutes like that is why we all do this, isn't it? And the Broncos agreed with him that Julio Jones is Atlanta's #1 receiver. Problem is, that means they put Champ on Julio, leaving Roddy to run free all game.

Even worse, though, that a lot of Eli's points went to Victor Cruz, who had 23 for Abbadabba's. Some people might say it's lucky that this team had CJ Spiller, but not me. I say it was a great 7th round pick. He took a chance and it paid off with 29 points. Good for him. I'm sure he's already looking forward to Spiller's next game. He's an exciting player. And 29 points for Griffin III, too! Man. I wish I had players like that.




TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 109.1 - ANIMAL HOUSE 67.9
Tough one for Animal House, but think of the silver lining. Our teams only have so many big point weeks in them, so at least you didn't waste one here. Probably no stopping TDHAF in Week 2. They were incredible. It is a shame, though, that Animal House didn't get to capitalize on a great game from Dwayne Bowe (22 points). All in the second half, too. Neat! That really under the radar Cardinals D bottled up the Pats, too.

It's a little amusing that when Scott finally put AP into the lineup that he only had 8 points. Which AP is he going to get from week to week?! But when Reggie Bush puts up 31 points (I did predict he would go off against Oakland if I may have a second to myself), who cares what the other backs do? They're all gravy, anyway! And even though Carolina did indeed "upset" the Saints, Brees didn't struggle that much. I usually don't know what I'm talking about anyway, but good on Scott to get those Brees points.

Great job, Scott!


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 89.3 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 58.3
Man. Last year's title, a 2-0 start to this season, Cam Newton and Arian Foster, plus a great 1st round trade to move up and get Marshawn Lynch? Bri, you're doing a great job. Even with Andy Reid boxing up McCoy for some reason, your team is formidable. I just hope I'm not playing you the week McCoy is finally unleashed. Great comeback from only having 5 points on Thursday night, too. You never gave up, and that's admirable in today's microwavable, get-rich-quick society. Kudos!


Shonn Greene was concussed, Steven Jackson was hurt/benched, Welker didn't start for some reason, and Chris Johnson is having trouble all around. None of this is Bill's fault, he just got really unlucky this week. And he showed smarts by not starting hot free agent pickup Kevin Ogletree right away. Ogletree only had 3 points, so that was really sharp roster management. Also on the plus side, Ben had 17 points in a nice game. That was a smart draft pick. Steelers will be passing a lot this year, so hopefully it helps Bill to his first win next week. I know I'm pulling for you, man.


CHEST ROCKWELL 80.2 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 74
What a TD catch by Mike Wallace. How did he not blow out his knee doing that? Tim should get bonus style points on that one. And another TD for Miles Austin; that's 2 in 2 weeks now. A lot of owners might've cut Austin in the offseason, but Tim hung with him and is being rewarded. Love to see that. It's really unfortunate that Jordy, Flacco and Forte couldn't have done just a little bit more. The win was within reach this week if they had. Sorry, Tim.

It is extremely sad to see what Michael Turner has become. No burst whatsoever. Let's not dwell on the negative. It's too hurtful.


Chest knows they got away with one here, but you can only beat who you're playing against and every win counts. It's really unfortunate what is happening to Larry Fitzgerald's career. Hopefully Barker figures out what to do with him as a franchise player and everybody ends up happy. Only 9 points for Calvin? Wow, is that Niner defense good or what? Remember on Friday when I said Reggie Wayne would be big in Andrew Luck's first win? Look at that! Oh wait, this isn't about me. Great job with the win, Chest!


MR. RODGERS' NEIGHBORHOOD 102.8 - MOTHER OF DRAGONS 82.6
It must be so frustrating to have Mark Ingram on your bench when he scores a TD and posts 11 points. But he only gets goal line carries (and not even all of them), so what can you do? Can't blame MRN for that. I'm glad Frank Gore and Gronkowski stepped up for them. It must have been a really nerve wracking two days after Aaron Rodgers only posted 9 points Thursday. I sure would hate it if I had to go through that. And what a terrific surprise to get 24 points from Willis McGahee to hold off the Matt Ryan comeback attempt. Great stuff!


Really unlucky for Gary that Ahmad Bradshaw got hurt and only posted 1.4 points. If he could've been part of that wild second half comeback...wow! So many points! And Darren McFadden...you can't expect a guy to play the late game Monday, then fly across the country and play the early game in a hot and humid climate and excel. Really unfair. At least Gary can be comforted knowing that Vincent Jackson has a connection with Josh Freeman, and that Ray Rice can be counted on every week. And hey, 2nd place in the division is nothing to panic about.














PS to Anonymous: Get fucked with a bear's spiny dick and learn English. In whatever order fits your schedule.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

WVFL Week 2 Preview

LAST WEEK: 2-4
SEASON: 2-4

Oof. One of my worst weeks ever. Cheating on you guys by writing previews for my other league is really taking a toll. I'm not paying attention, missing picks...meanwhile, my picks went 4-2 over there in Week 1 and I'm giving them my best jokes.

Maybe we just need some time apart. Separate vacations or something.


THE NEV-R-WINS (1-0) vs. WHIZ BANG GANG (1-0)
Boy. Yahoo sure was blowing the WBG this week. 120 projected points? Soooooo intimidating! So where's your golden god now, boy? Only 11 points for Rodgers? And Yahoo is being awfully generous with your backs. More than 13 points for Bradshaw, Ridley, AND Jackson. I think I've identified the problem. Those guys are not that good.

Hopefully Garcon is healthy enough to play on Sunday, because I really don't feel like buying a lottery ticket between Kendall Hunter and Jacquizz Rodgers. Let me just play guys that I know will be good. Which is all of my guys, all of the time.

By the way, I picked up the Toyota blowout win trophy. Mantle is getting full with all the trophies I'm winning this season.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 110 - WHIZ BANG GANG 95


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (0-1) vs. HACKS (1-0)
I know Nate was disappointed in his awful, awful, awful performance last week, but not as disappointed as I was. I really thought it was going to be his year. But now, like the actual Pirates, it looks like another year of sucking up the juice at the bottom of the barrel.


On the other hand, Hacks look even worse. Much worse. Justin Blackmon? Mike Williams? Trent Richardson? Gross, bro. Totally gross.

It's just a shame that somebody actually has to win this game.

THE PICK: THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 77 - HACKS 71


ZOLTAN'S ZEROS (1-0) vs ST. A'S CRUSADERS (0-1)
This is a first. Having negative points for 3 days? Yeah, definitely a first. And frankly, it could've been worse. The backwards pass that Jones caught to lose 1 yard (and 0.10 points) easily could've been fumbled and cost him -2.1. I'm sure the Crusaders yelled at Jones just as much as Rodgers did after Jones adjusted his route to run directly behind the defender. Quality route running right there.

On the other side, it might be time to change our league rules if Jay Cutler could play like that and still manage 6 points. Between him and Bush, Zoltan burned 2 roster spots on 5 points. That's not going to be enough. The Crusaders will get back in the black in short order and even up these season records.

THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 101 - ZOLTAN'S ZEROS 80


ATLAS SHRUGGZ (0-1) vs. FIREROCK ROCKERS (0-1)
Look at this Shruggz team. Look at it! Ronnie Brown! Brandon Gibson! Shonn Greene! I couldn't put together a worse team if I was intentionally drafting a terrible team for somebody I hated.

Spiller, Jones-Drew and Bush are all going to get loose for nice games, and if Wallace and Cruz can actually get connected this week, they'll make up for Marshall's Thursday night flop. Though in fairness to Marshall, he was doubled team all night, the first time that has ever happened to a good receiver. There's simply no way to beat it! No way to adjust!

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 103 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 70


IRON CITY POUNDERS (1-0) vs. PURPLE SWIRLS (0-1)
Randall Cobb is the quintessential Caulen pick up. He's young, undersized, the 4th option on his team, wears an odd number and is now getting pitches and backwards swing passes from a high school style wing formation. Sure, Cobb only had 4.8 points and this league doesn't have a salary cap, but he's still a great value pick!

And besides, he's probably still going to outscore Heyward-Bey this week. This whole game is set up for the Pounders to pull it off. Cobb's flop, Brees on the road in Carolina which is always tough for him, McCoy facing a stout Ravens defense, Andy Reid hating to call run plays for one of the best backs in the league, Matt Ryan playing in another shootout, Eric Decker in that same shootout with Atlanta missing a corner, the Pats defense facing Kevin Kolb...and yet...

And yet I'm looking at Donald Brown, DHB, and Robert Meachem.

Somebody is getting royally boned in this one after they put up 100+, enough to beat 7 other teams...but not this week's opponent. And that somebody is...

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 110 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 107


DEATHFROMABOVE (0-1) vs. LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (1-0)
From worst to first! The All Stars rollllllled through last week and are looking to go 2-0 since...hmm. Might be their first time ever. I'm not even sure the new All Stars have even won 2 in a row at any point in any season.

Romo will throw a crucial late pick in Seattle (his 2nd of the day), Chris Johnson blows, Kevin Ogletree had his good game for the season and Jermichael Dropsley couldn't even manage a single point. And even though Jordy and Forte were semi-disappointing, BJGE and Cam will more than pick up the slack.

THE PICK: LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 91 - DEATHFROMABOVE 80

Friday, September 14, 2012

AFFL - Week 2 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2
SEASON: 4-2

Mitt Romney's WISHES he could go 4-2 with his picks! Paul Ryan claims he went 7-0 with his, but that claim didn't hold up under even rudimentary scrutiny.


Topical political humor!

By the way, the other thing I was right about in Week 1? Saying that Bri Williams didn't like not receiving the proper percentage of credit. Within 24 hours of the Week 1 Review going up, I got this in an email:

"I do not have the second best team.  Kevin Smith and Matt Ryan combined for 50 points last week.  Do you really think that is ever going to happen again this season?  Meanwhile, Newton and McCoy combined for 23.  Give it some thought."

Gold. And as much as I love receiving hilarious emails, feel free to comment in the post itself. Just don't link to that ridiculous Muhammad movie so I'm not firebombed at home.


Hey, one last thing. According to the traffic report, 41 people looked at the Week 1 Preview. I know I was at least 5 myself, but there are only 12 people in this league. Are you guys opening it at work and finished it at home? Are you showing your wives? "Honey! Look at how good my team is!" Are the previews going..."viral"? (Business term)


OUT FOR REVENGE (0-1) vs. ISIS (0-1)
Thank God Cedric Benson didn't score a touchdown. That's about all I can say about my last-hour decision to bench him. And I'm happy my brief flirtation with Cutler (Niner D is so TIGHT, y'all! Versus Stafford?! DAMN!) ended harmlessly. Fucking Cutler. He plays like these spoiled princesses on "My Super Sweet 16". One thing goes wrong and the whole night is ruined. RUINED! Stupid parents don't even realize I HATE purple!


As for the guys who are actually playing, Richardson is going to be limited by a good Bengals defense stacking 11 men in the box. Nobody outside of Mike Holmgren fears Brandon Weeden. I guess a 28-year old rookie who played in a first read spread offense in college isn't going to be a good pro. And Peyton Hillis is going to be limited by who and what he is.

Thomas and Colston scored TDs last week, so by rule, they won't have any this week. Steve Smith might have one of those crazy 2003-type games against the Saints, though.

As for little ol' me, if Maclin sits, I'm going to have to get lucky with Kendall or Jacquizz, a phrase that makes it sound like I'm going to Bare Elegance with $80 and a hopeful attitude. Stafford will only have 8 points against the Niners and the real doubt in my team will settle in around 430 PDT Sunday. Fortunately, the imminent 1-1 record will help with that a bit.

THE PICK: ISIS 77 - OUT FOR REVENGE 70


ABBADABBA'S (1-0) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (1-0)
So...Michael Bush gets the start, obviously on the back of his 2 TDs last week. Then Forte gets hurt early, making Bush the only option. Then he only puts up 5 points. You win some, you lose some. Sometimes with a single guy in one game. At least Spiller should be able to pick up some of the slack. And if Cruz can pick up anything this week, that will be an improvement over the opener. But Robert Junior Junior is set up for a disappointment if I've ever seen one. Two straight road games, feeling good about yourself after a simple offensive look worked against one team? Upset alert! Not that Romo will be any better in Seattle. Amemmer when he dropped that ball there that one time?

The Jones v. White battle for #1 Falcon will be settled for good in this game. Partially by who Denver puts Champ Bailey on, but mostly by Jones outscoring White either way. Oh, and there's a Nicks/Cruz angle in this matchup too? Larry, Brian, why don't you guys give each other a little space already?

Both of these teams have some issues. Larry is actually counting on BJGE after last week's pleasant surprise, so it's going to be extra fantastic when he has 6 points this week. So it'll come down to Monday, when Jones' 2nd TD seals the shitty, shitty win for the Rippers.

THE PICK: THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 81 - ABBADABBA'S 75


ANIMAL HOUSE (1-0) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (0-1)
All it took was two draft picks and two touchdowns to get Peterson in the starting lineup over Donald Brown. Good for him! He should be able to tear up the Colts defense, too. Let's hope, because Brees is going to struggle in Carolina like he does every year, and Alfred Morris is definitely DEFINITELY not going to have two good games in a row. Definitely. Malcom Floyd is going to have another good week, since Rivers is about out of options. With a good season, he can sign a new contract and finally afford that second L. Steelers will be passing on the Jets a lot and Revis is out, so good for A. Brown.

Brady is going to have another nice one, but forget about Ike Redman, and I can't see Lloyd getting deep on Patrick Peterson. That leaves Andre Johnson on the road in a division game (always bad news for Houston) and two different Chiefs, who are also on the road. Ugh. Lotta big names on this team, not a lotta points this week.

Hey! Animal House has a Michael Floyd. They should start him and then we can finally settle who the better M. Floyd is. Whoever it is can pair up with indie folkster M. Ward on a new Thursday Night Football theme, since the current new one sucks a healthy quantity of balls.

THE PICK: TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 71 - ANIMAL HOUSE 65


THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (0-1) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (1-0)
Bri has more than twice as many points after one week than Bill, so I can't even imagine the email I'll get if I pick the upset. But I don't pick the games...the games pick me. So talk to me, matchup. Tell me what's up.

You know what? Unbelievably enough...even though Bri already had two guys play Thursday (Marshall and Jermichael Dropsley) and only got 4 points out of them total...I'm STILL hopping with the Kangaroo. Cam is gonna be huge in a surprise upset and...wait. Hang on. McCoy's matchup is terrible, Foster's matchup is terrible, Lynch is still hurt. Okay, here's what we know. TKSMB is going to max out at 65 points this week.

Will that be enough?!? Hmm. Greene sucks, Chris Johnson sucks, Steven Jackson sucks, the Patriots are making a point out of showing Wes Welker they don't need to re-sign him and Pettigrew will never get open against the Niners. That leaves Ben, the creaky Steeler D and a kicker.

Good lord. I'd rather watch "Animal Practice". Bri wins, but drops to the 3rd best team in the league.

THE PICK: THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 65 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 63


SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER (0-1) vs. CHEST ROCKWELL (0-1)
Timmy is the best 0-1 in the league right now, so why don't you all show a little respect? I am not sure if he'll be the best 0-2 team after this week or not. Michael Turner should be benched for almost anybody, Jordy and Forte were already let downs, and Dallas is going to be upset in Seattle, so forget about Austin.

Fun roster fact: Timmy has a guy named Daryl Richardson on his team, and I have no fucking earthly idea who that is. But if you can get St. Louis' 4th string back this early in the season, you simply have to jump on that.

On the other side, Vick is not going to play well against Baltimore, and Fitz will be eating a Kolb Salad for 60 minutes. A Kolb Salad looks, smells and tastes like shit and it's super expensive. Like...$21 room service charge. But Reggie Wayne will be enormous as Indy "upsets" Minnesota for Andrew Luck's first pro win. Somebody keep that game ball!

THE PICK: CHEST ROCKWELL 73 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER 66


MR. RODGERS' NEIGHBORHOOD (1-0) vs. MOTHER OF DRAGONS (1-0)
A crucial early battle for control of the East! The best player in Canevin Catholic football history, and current Green Bay offensive coordinator, Tom Clements has to be somewhat concerned by the number of sacks Aaron Rodgers has taken in 2 games. MRN is probably also a little concerned, but when Jay Cutler is carrying the Packer defense to 20 points, he can worry about that later.

I guess a 40 point head start makes one confident enough to start three different 49ers, although maybe Garcon makes the lineup if he's healthy. And INTRIGUE ALERT! Contract kicker Dan Bailey was benched in favor of Mason Crosby, who nearly doubled Bailey's Week 1 output. Dan Bailey, find yourself a realtor!

MRN started this game, but MOD is going to finish it. Matt Ryan will put up at least 20 points in a circus game Monday, giving Gary the big come from behind win.

THE PICK: MOTHER OF DRAGONS 90 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 85

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

AFFL - Week 1 Review

A 4-2 start for my AFFL picks. You bet $100 a game, minus the vigorish, that's a cool $180 I just won for you guys. And you throw some bones in that pot, baby, you got a stew goin'!


MOTHER OF DRAGONS 112.7 - ISIS 78.6
This was like...this was like having a tee time booked for a really nice course three weeks in advance. Put in some extra range time, scout the course online, go to bed early the night before...then you lose your opening tee shot in the woods, start with a double and sulk around the rest of the day. I know you're not supposed to overreact after Week 1, but it's way more fun to overreact, so here goes - the Stafford trade was awful, the AP trade was awful, picking Kansas City to upset Buffalo was awful, and I'm basically just playing out the string here.

As Gary predicted, not starting Ahmad Bradshaw was a complete debacle. Playing Bradshaw instead of Vincent Jackson would've given Gary 123 points. I mean...this performance was so incredible (Alshon Jeffery had 14 points!) that rigging the draft to steal Ray Rice was literally and figuratively and perjoratively (not using that correctly, fuck you anyways) gilding the lily.


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 87.4 - SIGMUND & THE SEA MONSTERS 78.5
It would be exceedingly easy to point out who should've started in the dewy warmth of Tuesday morning. Especially when any lineup change Tim made could be rebutted by a Larry change. Still, I said Michael Turner sucked within microseconds of that #3 overall pick. And Timmy would've won if he started Miles Austin over Michael Turner. These are just the facts of the matter, ma'am.

By the way, here's a Timmy breakdown for the season to date:
WINS - 0
TEAM NAMES - 3

And yet Turner was six times better than DeAngelo Williams this week. Sure, he still won, but if Larry wants to be dominant in this league, clearly he's going to have to start Blaine Gabbert and BenJarvus Green-Ellis every week. Wait...he actually has Blaine Gabbert?


MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 80.2 - OUT FOR REVENGE 60
You start two white tailbacks, you're going to post the 2nd-worst total of the week. I mean, that's just a fact. This isn't 1947. Gerhillis combined scored as many points as Matt Prater this week. Out For Revenge has a lot of problems at the foundation level, highlighted by their all-backup backfield and the fact that a kicker was their best player in Week 1.


Aaron Rodgers piled up some good fantasy points in garbage time, and frankly, he's lucky he wasn't killed by blunt force trauma during that game. (Action movie title idea: Blunt Force Drama)

The position players for Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood either had 12+ points, or less than 4. This team can really get behind the Romney-Ryan budget.


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 97.6 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 82.9
One thing about Bri is that, as quiet as he is, he really gets pretty mad when people don't recognize his accomplishments. Like nice rotational help defense when your man beats you, having a hair part as straight as true as the Prime Meridian, and having a good fantasy football team. So let it be trumpeted here! This is currently the 2nd-best team in the AFFL! Shit, Lance Moore had 18 points on the bench!

Fact: Scott's 6 bench players outscored his 8 lineup players 88.2 - 82.9. Now, would you have started Stephen Hill over Justin Blackmon? Or Alfred Morris over Darrius Heyward-Bey? No, but that doesn't make it any less hilarious. And you definitely would've started AP after exchanging 17 emails to consummate that trade. But hey, it's only one game. Don't get too excited. There are still 13 more weeks for Scott to fuck up.


ANIMAL HOUSE 83.7 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 57.2
Starting Ryan Mathews - who BROKE HIS COLLARBONE AND WAS RULED OUT OF THIS GAME IN AUGUST - and still winning is like Larry Bird asking "Which of you assholes is finishing second?" before the NBA 3-point Contest. Just...showing another man your ballsack, telling him you're going to put it on his face, then doing so as he meekly asks you to please stop. Real ancient Arabic level of disrespect right there.

The only silver lining for The Knight is this one is that his bench players also sucked.


ABBADABBA'S 90.9 - CHEST ROCKWELL 74.6
With Fred Jackson on one team and CJ Spiller on the other, this could've gotten really interesting after Jackson took a human arrow to the knee. But Spiller was on the Abbadabba bench and they still won, so...story averted, I guess.

Only 6 points from Fitzgerald in a win can't be very reassuring. I'm sure having Kevin Kolb in for 4 weeks will help things. Nobody would've started Stevan Ridley over Fred Jackson (unless they feared the Jets defense, as most do), and starting the lesser of your two kickers is probably annoying.

Whoa! John Skelton is on Chest Rockwell too? This team has the same training staff as the Steelers' offensive line. Watch your knees, Calvin! 

Friday, September 7, 2012

WVFL Week 1 Preview

There is a straight-to-DVD sequel to A Christmas Story coming out shortly (or already, whatever). It's the "official sequel" and everything. And it is awful. If they can do that, why not a direct-to-laserdisc sequel to Two For The Money (working titles: Two For The Money 2 / Three For The Money) in which I slick my hair back and portray myself as the fantasy football Brandon Lang? My picks could've made you a fortune last season! (If there was a way to bet on fantasy football matchups.


LAST WEEK (0-0)
SEASON (0-0)

FIREROCK ROCKERS (0-0) vs. THE NEV-R-WINS (0-0)
Folks, they're not saying "Boo!", they're saying "Cruz!" Except, after each of his three drops, they were definitely saying "Boo!" Only getting 5.8 points from the little guy and 12 more from Eli is not a great start to the rocker revival. Rashad Jennings (or MJD), McGahee and Bush will also disappoint, leaving Mike Wallace and Brandon Marshall to do a lot of heavy lifting. Problem is, Wallace probably didn't do much lifting during his holdout. I'm sure his hamstrings won't snap on a go route or anything.

On the other hand, Arian Foster has ALREADY tweaked his knee. Maybe my team will be devastatingly injured to start the season (Jennings, Peterson, Foster) and then healthy for the playoffs.

Ah, whatever. Brady and my power-packed receiving corps (Potential nickname: Four On The Floor {doesn't need to make sense, so don't worry about it}) will put up more than enough points for me to roll over TK.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 101 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 87


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (0-0) vs. ZOLTAN'S ZERO'S (0-0)
A long-dormant doormat of franchise gets off to a surprisingly good start. They aren't winning any blowouts, but they are winnings. The fans starts to get excited again, shaking off the rust in the process. Soon, they're playing clips from a terrible movie (A Christmas Story 2?) during games and making up weird hand signals. Who else could I be discussing besides The People's Elbow.

The surprise season got off to a shitty start between Nicks and Dez on Wednesday, and I think Beanie is hurt-ish, but DeAngelo is running by himself on Sunday. And really, how much is Zoltan going to score? They're starting one wide receiver with a concussion, one who plays in Jacksonville, and a backup running back. Zoltan is going to be the Pittsburgh Pirates of the WVFL this season. The 2004 Pirates, not 2012. Like Nate is!

THE PICK: THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 79 - ZOLTAN'S ZERO'S 65


HACKS (0-0) vs. DEATHFROMABOVE (0-0)
Oh my God. This one is going to be such a blowout that if was a real NFL game, local affiliates would be switching coverage over to a different game by 1:35pm. Ben and Julio and Hernandez should be decent, but the rest of the lineup is...sigh...a bunch of hacks. Those three will score at least 75% of the Hack total this week, leading them to support Romney's tax plan, whatever that might or might not be.

Whereas for DFA, except for Randy Moss and Finley, everybody is going to post at least 10 points. At which point they will link arms and shout, "We built this...TOGETHER!"

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 109 - HACKS 61


ATLAS SHRUGGZ (0-0) vs. IRON CITY POUNDERS (0-0)
If Atlas Shrugged and Randian philosophy and the "creators" going on "strike" was something that was actually based in real world truth - and not some prep school senior asshole's fantasy vision of how hard he works - Matt Stafford would take one look at the Shruggz roster and sit this game out. Luckily for Atlas, he will not be doing that, and luckily for all of you, these weekly previews are written much better than Ayn Rand's fevered, sociopathic, bum on the subway rantings. Point is...this team sucks.

And yet the Pounders are not looking much better. Lynch will probably miss Week 1, forcing Donald Brown or Ingram into the lineup. If you wanted to text that somebody, just write P-U. LOL. But Calvin and Gronk alone should be enough to win this one.

THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 77 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 71


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (0-0) vs. LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (0-0)
Toby Gerhart! BenJarvus Green-Ellis! Finally, we shall know who is the better running back! This is exciting. Actually, the Crusaders clearly have the better backfield, much better tight end, and better receivers. Lowcountry has the better QB option and seems to have a richer, fuller life (just guessing), so it's not all bad news.

I can't spend too much more time on this one when the outcome is so patently obvious, but I do have one interesting stat I've been trying to squeeze in and Percy Harvin being on the All Stars makes it germane to this section. Christian Ponder has never won a home as QB of the Vikings (0-5). What the hell?!

THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 110 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 86


PURPLE SWIRLS (0-0) vs. WHIZ-BANG GANG (0-0)
Come Tuesday, one of these two teams is going to look at Nate's 1-0 PF 79 and get really pissed about their 0-1 PF 105. Whether or not it's Caulen will immediately tells us if he's going to re-live 2011 or if he'll actually be good this year.

Please let it be Caulen.

Believe it or not, BOTH Baltimore receivers are facing off in this one, which just sounds terrible for all involved. Caulen then also has Michael Crabtree, which doesn't sound any better. But then he has LeSean and Fred Jackson (Buffalo upset alert!) compared to Steven Jackson and Stevan Ridley on the other side. It's like winning a poker when you both show A-A-J-7, but then you have a 6 and the other guy has a 2.

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 90 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 89

AFFL - Week 1 Preview

In the grand American tradition of everything eventually becoming too much of a good thing, there are now NFL games on every Thursday night. (And the occasional Wednesday) I, for one, am not a fan. It's like having an appetizer at 4:30 in the afternoon, then going home, then going to an 8pm reservation for dinner, drinks and dessert. It feels like something Spaniards would do. There's no continuity.

Furthermore, pursuant to argument #1a above, the waiver wire now locks down before 28+ teams have their Friday walkthrough. And! Worst of all! A slight bit of the piss is removed from these previews when anywhere from 1-6 guys in a given matchup have already posted their number.

Just another piece of wood to toss on the Goodell Sucks cord.

LAST WEEK: 0-0
SEASON 0-0

MOTHER OF DRAGONS (0-0) vs. ISIS (0-0)
Gary was bellyaching to me Wednesday morning that he was already having trouble figuring out whether to start Ahmad Bradshaw or not, and that he couldn't possibly enjoy watching the game knowing he made the wrong decision. Bradshaw's 15 points probably did not help matters. Although it's not as bad as watching the one Cowboy you don't own have a career night. Dez simply didn't score enough to warrant a start, and I already hate the way DeMarco Murray runs. He stares at the ground constantly, like a nervous teenager at a family reunion. Look up! Stop running into defenders, officials, teammates! Murray is going to put up good numbers all year, with a running style that I think is ridiculous, and I'm just not going to be able to enjoy it.

As for the rest of the game, Matt Stafford for Brandon Marshall already has a Cam Neely for Barry Pederson feel to it, so I'll enjoy his points this week. But the rest of the lineup has rough matchups. Every year, my team is like an Atomic Fireball. I love it at first and then after a while it's just a big pain in the ass. I'm ahead of schedule this year.

Gary's receivers won't do anything this week, and Matt Ryan will struggle in the Kansas City upset special (2 INTs, 8 points total), but my Monday night is going to be totally wrecked. Partially by Chris Berman calling the Raiders game with all the elegance of a convulsing water buffalo, but mainly by Rice and McFadden running wild, closing the gap on my lead with each carry until I finally succumb...like said mammal.

THE PICK: Mother Of Dragons 88 - ISIS 81


BABA BOOEY (0-0) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (0-0)
I don't want to say I feel bad for Timmy, but when a guy has a bad hammy and then puts up 13 points for your bench it's gotta feel kinda rough. Especially when come Monday, that guy will be your 2nd-best player for the week. Forte will get loose against Indy, and maybe Gates will have a TD, but nobody else on this team is looking at a good matchup. Mike Wallace is going to JUST miss a long TD pass, but unfortunately for Timmy, he won't get bonus points for Collinsworth sanctimoniously observing that with some OTAs in May, he woulda caught that ball.

Where was Nicks last night? Brutal. Between the pirate ship, division rivalry and heat-induced crampfest, the Carolina/Tampa game Sunday is either going to be 13-10 or 34-31. Having both starting running backs in that game, I know which version Larry is hoping for. It says here that one of those backs will make up for Nicks trying to...NIX a win! (applause)

THE PICK: The Whitechapel Rippers 70 - Baba Booey (Howard Stern's Penis!) 55


OUT FOR REVENGE (0-0) vs. MR. RODGERS' NEIGHBORHOOD (0-0)
Goddamn it. This already looks like one of those weeks where I would beat 90% of the league...but not the team I'm actually playing. 

Contract kicker Dan Bailey was benched last night. A good thing, since his 6 points weren't all that cool. The Mr. Rodgers backfield should be in the neighborhood of 15 total points, and since the Niner defense could actually put a slight check on #12 (say, 16 points instead of 25), it'll be up to the buddy cop team of Garcon and Gronk to carry the load. One's black! One's white! And such and such.

So between Peyton Hillis scoring a TD in an upset, Matt Schaub getting 15 points against a Dolphin team that just traded their best corner for some reason, and Marques Colston abusing DeAngelo Hall...I guess their bloodthirst for revenge will be satiated in Week 1.

THE PICK: Out For Revenge 79 - Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood 69


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (0-0) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (0-0)
The Brevity Is The Soul Of Wit Bowl. The scoreboard graphic abbreviations of KNG and TIM just don't do these puffy names justice. Marshawn Lynch might miss this game with back spasms, and Arian Foster tweaked his knee in practice Thursday, which I'm sure is nothing. Nothing at all. And now that Stafford was finally traded, I'm sure Cam won't get hurt.

But seriously, folks, Lynch missing the game is going to bring somebody unpredictable into the lineup. Fortunately, McCoy will predictably go off against Cleveland, and Foster will get at least 14 against Miami before he's benched in the 4th quarter "as a precaution".

The chants from the fans for TDHAF to play Tebow will be loud and obnoxious, especially considering that Brees will hang 20+ on the Redskins. Antonio Brown should get double digits, but the rest of this lineup is about as appealing as a microwaved turd, also known as a Hot Pocket.

THE PICK: That Kangaroo Stole My Ball 95 - Timmy Doesn't Have Any Friends 60


ANIMAL HOUSE (0-0) vs. THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (0-0)
New 3-year contract recipient David Wilson had two carries, fumbled once and then cried on the sidelines. Seriously! He now has negative fantasy points for his career. But he wasn't in the Animal House starting lineup, which is good, I guess. Though even if he was, Animal House would probably still win this week.

Detroit is going to score St. Louis right out of the running game in the first 20 minutes, limiting Steven Jackson, Shonn Greene's natural abilities ceiling will limit him, and the Niner D is going to limit all of Green Bay a bit. On the other hand, Charles and Bowe (which sounds like an intersection in Boston) will have fun in the Kansas City upset, while Tom Brady and Brandon Lloyd being on Animal House cancels out whatever Welker bucks the Knight might get.

Really, some of these picks are just easy peasy.

THE PICK: ANIMAL HOUSE 94 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 83


ABBADABBA'S (0-0) vs. CHEST ROCKWELL (0-0)
Oh, riiiiiiight. Tony Romo is really good in September. His 21.4 points certainly take the sting out of Victor Cruz only posting 5.8. Which could've been at least 6.8 without those three drops. This big 20-point lead will sure look good sitting there for three days. Problem is, it's not built to last. Eric Berry should shut off Roddy White, and even if DeSean Jackson gets loose for a big touchdown, he has to tip out Mike Vick on those points like a waiter tipping out the busboy. Tiny Darren? I mean...do you want to COUNT on those points showing up? No, they need to just be a pleasant surprise.

Vick is actually in a little danger of throwing 2-3 picks against a decent Browns defense, so maybe he should run around a little bit. Speaking of running around a little bit...2 touchdowns would be a SHITTY day for Calvin against St. Louis. And one of Fitz, Fred or Reggie will also have a super huge nice day.

THE PICK: CHEST ROCKWELL 88 - ABBADABBA'S 75

Monday, September 3, 2012

2012 WVFL Season Preview

It's time once again for the annual season preview, in which I save you all a lot of heartache and roster moves by telling you here and now whether or not your team will make the playoffs. As a self-fluffing reminder, last year my weekly picks went something like 55-28, and my 2011 Season Preview nailed 5 out of the 6 playoff teams, while correctly predicting the exact standings of like 8 teams. So what I say, like, goes. Sorry if that mean you're finding out today that you won't make the playoffs, but just remember, you did this to yourself.

WEEGIE THOMPSON DIVISION (Career Stats)

DEATHFROMABOVE (2011 - 6th Place)
After an intimidating and high-scoring 2009, DFA has mainly been schedule filler the last two seasons. Like the robotic drones patrolling the Middle East, they are not something that white people in the Western world need to worry about too much. Until 2015, when Texas introduces them as missile-equipped highway patrol.

Keeping Chris Johnson, who obviously can't be dropped, Tony Romo and Wes Welker, felt they were covered at the skill position, so they nabbed the first defense of the draft, Pittsburgh in the first round. Somebody taking a defense way too early is a hallmark of fantasy football, but I guess sometimes you need to overspend to get the NFL's oldest defense, one that had a comically low turnover ability last season. But I guess with depth like Ronnie Hillman, Jahvid Best, and Daniel Thomas in the backfield, DFA will be having the last laugh.

DFA also selected the Jets defense in the 7th round, and...actually...what the hell happened in this draft? Between rounds 5 and 11, DFA picked 2 defenses, a running back on the PUP list, 2 backup running backs, old ass Randy Moss, a kicker that got cut, and Brandon Jacobs. I'm going to blame this one on auto-pilot error. As in, a drone on autopilot blew up DFA headquarters after the 4th round and auto draft made a lot of errors.

This first team capsule is extremely negative and not all that funny, I realize. Perhaps because this happened to me on Saturday and I'm still pretty sore. Or maybe it's because I'm in another league and wrote a Season Preview of those teams Friday, using up all of my good material. (Yes, I'm a fantasy football comedy bigamist now) Or maybe it's just because this team looks pretty bad. No depth and no superstars is no way to go though a fantasy football season. I guess the remaining capsules will lead us to the correct answer.

MAKING THE PLAYOFFS? No.


LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (2011 - 12th Place)
Despite having the same record as Nate and 150 more points, Webster clinched the league's anti-title through some arcane head to head performance tiebreaker that even Nate struggled to explain. Though, honestly, Nate struggles to explain most of our league's rules.

After a multi-year absence, a vanished owner and much cajoling, Jeff Webster returned to the WVFL in 2010, and has proceeded to finish 12th out of 12 in his first two re-seasons. I know he doesn't like the Cleveland Browns, so I don't know why he's so set on mirroring their rebirth. According to Facebook, Jeff spends three days a week bass fishing in South Carolina, so he clearly has plenty of time to ponder football.

But this could be the year he turns things around. There's not a ton of depth here, but Cam, Forte and Jordy might win a few games all by themselves. And on the odd weeks that Stevie Johnson and Jonathan Stewart do something, the All Stars are going to upset some powerhouse team that already pencilled in a W. For the first time in three seasons, Jeff Webster is going to have more wins than facial hairstyles. Which is impressive, considering his ever-evolving mosaic of grooming looks.

MAKING THE PLAYOFFS? Not yet. But not dead last, either.


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (2011 - Champeen of the World)
You know how rare it is for the team with the best record and the most points to actually win a league title? You know how annoying it is when that team returns four of the best possible keepers in Rice, McFadden, Calvin Johnson and Jimmy Graham? You know how many games the Crusaders are going to win by 30 points this season? The answers to these questions, in order, are Rare, Very, and A Bunch.

But like many things on the internet that seem too good to be true (3 inches added to your PEN!S EASY! / mortgage refinancing at 0.3% / sexy singles in YOUR area), the Crusaders aren't just walking to a title defense. For starters, they're one Michael Vick injury away from relying on a rookie QB. In other words, they'll be relying on Robert Griffin Junior Junior by Week 2. For seconds, Nate Washington and Toby Gerhart are actually in the starting lineup. Not to exploit good matchups, but because they're better options than Evan Royster and Danny Amendola. For thirds, there's the baffling Johnson/Decker for Johnson/Fitgerald trade.

I don't know if this trade stemmed from hubris, fear of the Madden curse, contract restrictions, owner collusion (a dirty accusation!) or temporary insanity, but it's definitely...odd. Let's settle an odd. That's a nice, neutral term. Andre Johnson plays 9 games a year, tops, and isn't the main option in Houston any more. And Fitz openly pines for a different quarterback in the huddle.

Don't get me wrong, this team is going to win plenty of games with Vick, McFadden, Rice, Andre and Fitz. But don't be surprised if they lose a playoff game because only 2 of those guys are actually playing.

MAKING THE PLAYOFFS? Oh, definitely. But not like last year.


ZOLTAN'S ZEROS (2011 - 9th Place)
Okay, here's the thing. I like Scott Henry. He is a good guy. But he 86ed me on Facebook last year after he posted about his new job in PR for Consol (I think) and I joked that he'd have to figure out how to spin fracking into a health benefit for school kids.

In retrospect, probably the right move on his part, especially when his new bosses Facebook friend him the first day on the job. But I want Scott Henry back in my life. He's reliably unimpressed by everything, and without him in my Facebook feed, I didn't realize the Bucs were having a good year until August...when they stopped having a good year.

So. That said, being on double-unsecret probation with Skip Henry means that I don't want to bash his football team too much here. I'm just going to present the facts of the matter.

- His four keepers were Mendenhall, Antonio Brown, Frank Gore, and Santonio Holmes
- It is not 2009
- I was wrong, Scott actually picked the first defense of the draft. The Niners, two picks before DFA took the Steelers.
- His current starting QB is Brandon Weeden.
- His RB2 until Mendenhall returns (into a 3-man platoon) is backup Michael Bush.

These are the facts. Because Scott is not a Republican, he cannot argue with facts.

MAKING THE PLAYOFFS? He also can't argue with this prediction of him missing the playoffs.


HACKS (2011 - 10th Place)
After a (any other word for hack) season in 2011, this team cleaned house, keeping only Ryan Mathews and Julio Jones. Except for the part about keeping Mathews, I like it. If the foundation of your house is crumbling, just move. Especially if your neighbors recently leased their mineral rights.

Unfortunately, Hacks will probably be repeating that strategy with their 2013 keepers. Although Ben is going to huge this year as the Steelers air it out, and everybody thinks Julio Jones is going to push Calvin for #1 WR position, there just isn't enough reliability here, week in and week out. Sproles, Richardson, Mike Williams, Blackmon, Mathews...all of these guys will have good weeks from time to time, but not predictably and not in sync. Oh, and Neil Rackers is no longer Washington's kicker.

MAKING THE PLAYOFFS? Is anybody in this division making the playoffs? Starting to look like the JV over here.


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (2011 - Worst, but not last)
The last three seasons, Nate has finished 11th, 10th, and 11th. Credit goes his way for consistency, at least. But I am calling here and I am calling it now. This team is going to the playoffs in 2012. A great receiving corps will support a solid, mid-tier backfield, and if Peyton's neck (or something else) falters, Rivers is there to take up the slack.

The only issue is that Nate's entire bench is garbage, but knowing his knack for sniffing out FA prizes like an Italian hog sniffing truffles, that shouldn't be an issue for long. Hang on, I'm sorry. Nate doesn't even know most starting running backs in the league. He cannot sniff out FA prizes. So let's hope none of the starters get hurt.

MAKING THE PLAYOFFS? Seriously! I'm telling you!




BAM MORRIS DIVISION (Career Stats)

PURPLE SWIRLS (2011 - 8th Place
As the years go on, we are going to realize that the Swirls' 2011 season was like The Strokes' first album. Stunning, unexpected, incredibly enjoyable, a moment in time...and something that could never be recreated. The second-most points in the league with a 5-8 record? Giving up at least 100 more points than anybody else? Although I would love to see it happen again this year and the next and the next...I know it is not to be.

So what is to be? Fewer points but more wins, as crazy as that sounds. Forgetting what day the draft is and showing up late can pay off sometimes. Between DeMarco Murray, LeSean McCoy and FrEd Jackson, the Swirls will have plenty of points on the ground. But there's just a touch of thinness at WR, especially when you remember that Steve Smith usually posts a great season's worth of stats in 10 randomly-seleted games. And what's going to happen with Brees this year anyway?

MAKING THE PLAYOFFS? Knowing how fantasy football works, the Swirls will clinch the 6th seed on the final weekend, then win the title.


THE NEV-R-WINS
I won the Toyota Best Draft award, which is given to the team with the most projected season points after the draft. Knowing how well Yahoo projects player points, I am probably in a lot of trouble. Actually, I am a little thin at running back, especially if Peterson doesn't really recoup this year. I'm two steps past stacked at WR, but starting the proper 4 guys each week (I'm already assuming my flex guy will be a WR each week) is going to be a pain.

At least Tom Brady is still here, and he is just so, so handsome.

MAKING THE PLAYOFFS? Come on, of course.


WHIZ BANG GA...running out of steam...shoulder sore...jokes gone...didn't have any good ones to begin with.

Oh man. I'm tapped. I got nothing left. It's like I'm having a torrid affair with this other league, giving them all of my best stuff. Then I come home and the wife that's always been there for me (Steady, but boring. The excitement long gone) wants some action and I have none to give. All the signals are there!

WHIZ BANG GANG - No playoffs

FIREROCK ROCKERS - Yes playoffs

ATLAS SHRUGGZ - No playoffs

IRON CITY POUNDERS - Yes playoffs

I think we should seriously consider couples' counseling. Maybe a weekend retreat's worth.