Tuesday, October 30, 2012

AFFL Week 8 Review

Did you notice the Steelers' first play this Sunday? It was a fake WR screen, and when the Redskins pounced on it - having seen 25 other screens on game tape - Heath Miller slipped up field for a wide open reception. Todd Haley spent 7 weeks building up to that, like Mozart slowly building to a crescendo.

The smartest 22-yard gain in NFL history.


ISIS 94.2 - CHEST ROCKWELL 78.7
I'm now 3-5, and in my 3 wins, I had the highest total of the week. In one of those wins, I had the highest total of the season. I don't know what that means, but if ISIS was a real team, it would provide for 100 hours of sports talk radio fodder a week. I keep putting myself right in that sweet spot where I'm not good enough to win the title, not bad enough to secure a high draft pick.

We all knew Larry Fitzgerald wasn't going to score 21 points with John Skelton throwing last night, but when he semi-concussed himself on the grass early last night, that basically sealed the deal. Listening to NFL announcers talk about the league's "concussion protocol" when a guy gets hurt these days is like listening to a BP spokesman discuss the company's "commitment to the environment" as we see underwater-cam footage of a broken pipeline spilling out the middle of the Earth. The spin is both hilarious and pathetic.

By the way, I predicted 15 points for Willis McGahee this week, but there must've have been some static interference on my psychic radio waves. He actually scored 20...which is 15 more than Calvin Johnson had. More on that in a scoche.


OUT FOR REVENGE 87.8 - ANIMAL HOUSE 67.4
When asked after the game why Jamaal Charles only had 5 carries, Romeo Crennel said that was something he would like to know as well. Did he just accidentally give us a ton of insight into bad coaches? For bad coaches like Romeo, is coaching like hosting a Super Bowl party? Like, you get so distracted with conversations and keeping track of everything that all of a sudden you look up and it's midway through the 3rd quarter?

Now, as far as fantasy coaching is concerned, why would you bench Brandon Lloyd against the Rams? Not that Animal House would've won anyway, but why even do it? Is it because the game was in London and Brandon Lloyd is black? That is the only possible explanation I can think of, and that makes NO sense, bro. They have black people in London.

Trent Richardson was at full power for Cleveland as it turned out, and those preseason predictions for Thomas and Decker with Manning are actually panning out. I must say in fairness, and to save you an anonymous blog comment, that this was one of my worst game predictions of the season. Animal House wins 101-55? Yeah, not quite.


THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 73.2 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER 50
But THIS one I was dead straight on. The Knight did not get Justin Blackmon into the starting lineup, which means the trade with Scott was a total sham, as we all expected. But it did not affect the outcome, as Ben had a great game and the other Knights were solid all around.

Ryan Tannehill getting hurt is not Timmy's fault (not that we can prove, anyway), but why are you benching Jon Dwyer against a bad defense? Guy comes in last week, runs hard, looks good, gets another start against a bad team, and you bench him for Brian Hartline? Bad Idea Jeans, man.


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 60 - ABBADABBA'S 53.7
Sometimes an NFL game where the over/under is like 58 ends up being 17-14, and that's basically what happened here. The fact that two of the AFFL's "best" teams evacuated such wet turds this week really speaks to the "quality" of the AFFL. Mighty powers Roddy White, DeSean Jackson, and Victor Cruz combined for 12 points. I wonder if the Redskins receivers dropped 10 points worth of Griffin passes. There was at least one dropped TD, so that's 4 right there.

As for Scott, we know Jennings isn't playing and Welker only scored 4.8. How the Patriots didn't force feed a stocky white guy named Wesley to help grow the game in England is beyond me. In short, if it wasn't for Adrian Peterson, Scott would've lost this game. He's totally worth those 2 first rounders, guy! Straight up paying for himself.


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 88.2 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 85
MRN flat out wins this game if they didn't trade McGahee for Calvin. 4.6 points, Cal? Come on! Now instead of having the division lead at 5-3, MRN is in that 4-4 logjam for the final two playoff spots. I'm sure Michael Crabtree's big, fat 20 on the bench with Felix Jones' 6 in the lineup does not soothe the pain. In fact, get this, it probably makes it worse! A 26-point effort from the athletically gifted but socially retarded Rob Gronkowski, wasted.

Larry is also 4-4, albeit with 70 points fewer than MRN. In fact, he has the 4th-fewest points in the league, setting off a lot of fraud alarms. Actually, I take that back. I'm sure Doug Martin will continue to score 33 points a week. Nice 4-point week, Eli. Didn't your team win?


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 80.6 - MOTHER OF DRAGONS 72.7
How much credit do I get for predicting this one would be TKSMB 85 - MOD 70? I know how much credit I'll be taking - A TON. 

At 4-4, but technically leading the division because he beat MRN once, Gary is shifting to win now mode. He wants good RBs or WRs that can take the roster spots of guys like, say, Kyle Rudolph. And, perhaps, Ahmad Bradshaw. Also, comma, why does Gary have only 7 fewer Points For than Bri, but a 4-4 record compared to Bri's 7-1 mark? Because bullshit, that is why.

It was obvious that Vincent Jackson wouldn't do anything one week after putting up 200 yards and 2 TDs, but only 4 points? And the Chargers hold the Browns to 7 points, but only get 5 DST points? How did Gary lose this game again?

Sunday, October 28, 2012

WVFL Week 8 Review

LAST WEEK: 5-1
SEASON: 29-13 


THE NEV-R-WINS (7-0) vs. FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-2)
Nobody stepped up to answer my trade call this week, which is pretty disappointing. Aren't we all in this together? Wouldn't you all like to be a part of history? Wouldn't you like to be able to tell your grandkids, "What is this you're doing? Fantasy American Soccer League? In my day, we played fantasy football! And by gar, I was once in a league with an undefeated champion!"

And then you'd get in your Google car, which would automatically drive you home as you slept for the whole ride.

So I didn't get a fill-in back to replace Foster this week. But...maybe I won't need one. AP stepped up last night while Kyle Rudolph did almost nothing. If Lloyd and Maclin can actually manage to catch the ball this week, and if Dallas manages to not let Victor Cruz deep all game, and if the Jets hurt Reggie Bush again...I mean, it could happen.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 91 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 90


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (3-4) vs. ZOLTAN'S ZEROS (4-3)
Oh shit! Between a Saturday of golf, a soccer game and watching the girls while the wife went out for ladies' dinner, I totally forgot to finish this preview!

Activating warp speed...

THE PICK: THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 87 - ZOLTAN'S ZEROS 83


HACKS (3-4) vs. DEATHFROMABOVE (1-6)
DFA, the team with the worst record in the league, is going to be the high scorer of this week.

Fortunately, a 3-5 record would not take Hacks out of the Weegie Thompson division hunt.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 122 - HACKS 85


ATLAS SHRUGGZ (2-5) at IRON CITY POUNDERS (3-4)
Minnesota sure did want to get the ball to Jerome Simpson on Thursday. Makes sense. When you have one awesome back and one awesome receiver, try to force feed your third option.

By the way, Seattle corner Richard Sherman changed his Twitter handle to Optimus Prime this week because he's facing Calvin Johnson, alias Megatron. That is both childish and outstanding. Sherman is the same guy who tweeted out a picture of himself barking at Tom Brady with U Mad Bro? on it. Way better stuff than Ike Taylor graduating for Swagger U.

THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 91 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 70


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (3-4) vs. LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (4-3)
So there's like a storm coming to the East Coast today or something? Why isn't anybody talking about this?

THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 105 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 88


PURPLE SWIRLS (2-5) vs. WHIZ-BANG GANG (5-2)
Caulen has started a liquidation sale with an eye toward next year, but as far as I know, nobody is touching Brees because they're afraid of that Swirl stink coming along with him. He's now 7-13 since 2010's title run.

But knowing Larry, he's going to blow his chance this week.

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 112 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 101

Friday, October 26, 2012

AFFL Week 8 Preview

LAST WEEK: 3-3
SEASON: 27-15

Action is starting to get hot and heavy in the league now. Teams are moist with trade excitement. Throbbing anticipation of offers being accepted or rejected. New partners, new faces, new places.

Sex.


ISIS (2-5) vs. CHEST ROCKWELL (4-3)
My entire team is made up of Vice Presidential candidates. Just awful. I need some top of the ticket players! Having -1 points for the next two days is perfectly symbolic of my season. Speaking of the Vikings and their no turnovers last night, can somebody please figure the root cause of why one team (just one) never shows up for the Thursday night game? What is it based on? This will be helpful information.

Willis McGahee will score 15 points this week.

THE PICK: CHEST ROCKWELL 84 - ISIS 58


OUT FOR REVENGE (1-6) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (4-3)
On the surface, these two teams have a lot of a similarities this week. One team has a kicker bye, one has a DST bye. One team will have Andre Brown getting extra points because Bradshaw is probably out, the other will have Randall Cobb getting extra points because Jordache Nelson is probably out and Greg Jennings is definitely out.

But here's where the comparison falls apart. OFR will also be missing Trent Richardson (at full power, at least) and Carson Palmer sucks. So they are going to be murdalized.

THE PICK: ANIMAL HOUSE 101 - OUT FOR REVENGE 55


SIGMUND & THE SEA MONSTERS (2-5) vs. THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (1-6)
Tim is now asking me to predict a win for him every week so he can rally into the playoffs. While I'm generally more interested in using my powers for good than ridiculousness, this is one week where I might just be doing that. Although Timmy is gonna have to meet me halfway and get Jordy out of the lineup and put Dwyer in. Jordy is a game-time decision with a bad hamstring, which means even if he plays, once the Pack are up 24-3 on Jacksonville in the first half, he's coming out of the game.

The Knight came close to setting the league on fire by giving away Wes Welker, so he'd better get Justin goddamned Blackmon into the lineup this week. At least PRETEND that you wanted him. It's not like Josh Gordon is that good.

But here's the thing. Ben will pass on the Redskins, Steven Jackson can find space against a terrible Patriots defense, and Chris Johnson traditionally does well against the Colts. PLUS, Matt Hasselbeck's presence helps out Johnson more than Jake Locker.

So hear me now and believe me later! Timmy is going to lose this week, to the only team in the league that losing to would be considered an upset.

THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 87 - SIGMUND & THE SEA MONSTERS 71


ABBADABBA'S (6-1) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (5-2)
Greg Jennings just had surgery and is out for probably 6 weeks, so that's a bit of karmic retribution for the AFFL scandal of the year. If Scott ends up contracting both Jennings and Welker, keeping them for next year while The Knight only has a 4th rounder to show for it...Jesus Christ spread on a cracker is that a bad fucking trade.

But it didn't bother Bri(y? [I forget which one])an Barker, who showed his first hubris of the season, crowing that Scott still couldn't beat him even after the deal. But is that true?

Mmm. This is a pretty tough call this week. No defense for Scott, but A+/#1/Primetime matchups at every other position. On the other side, Sproles, Jackson, and Vernon for Abba are all completely unpredictable...but that means they could go off at any second. And the Bears defense against Cam could be the difference.

By the way, I'm beginning to suspect that Scott's "silent partner Li'l Jimmy" does not actually exist.

THE PICK: TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 100 - ABBADABBA'S 98


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (3-4) vs. MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD (4-3)
Larry is facing Aaron Rodgers in this league, but owns him in our other league. A classic Prisoner's Dilemma! Actually, that's not what a Prisoner's Dilemma is at all. Is there a name for this very common fantasy situation? Schroedinger's Start? No, that's an even worse comparison. The Grand Bargain? I unno. Whatever it is, Larry is much better in the other league, so he'll perversely be rooting for Rodgers to have a huge day.

That Doug Martin draft pick might've just paid for itself last night. Martin did the scoring of 3 normal men, which is extra helpful this week since Aaron Hernandez didn't even fly to London for the game. And on Larry's bench are MJD (hurt), Daniel Thomas (doesn't play), and Brian Quick (fucking useless). Point is, Martin's 33 will balance out the 0 Larry is about to get from the flex spot.

Doug Martin isn't the only trouble MRN is facing this week. Felix Jones comes pre-hurt, Kendall Wright is...I mean, come on...and Seattle has corners almost as big as Calvin Johnson.

Larry is going to find a way to shove his shitty team into the final playoff spot.

THE PICK: THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 78 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 67


MOTHER OF DRAGONS (4-3) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (6-1)
Gary would like everyone (or at least me) to know that everything he read last week said Ahmad Bradshaw probably wouldn't play. And Sunday morning, before going out apple picking or pumpkin patching or whatever it is he did instead of watching football, he started Kyle Rudolph (Who was totally ranked top 50 by CBS!) instead of Bradshaw.

And Bri would like everybody to know that he's aware that Cam sucks, but he still won't be trading him. Or maybe that was privileged, confidential information. Not sure. The legal disclaimer on the bottom of Bri's accounting firm emails is like 3MB of text. Also, it's pretty obvious he's trying to trade McCoy because he wants to franchise Arian Foster at $0.64 or whatever. This league is not seriously going to help Bri out in this quest, are we? Which would you rather do? Tradey for Shady now and curse Andy Reid's 14-run gameplan? Or draft Arian Foster next season? I mean...seriously.

On to the game. Hilariously, Ahmad Bradshaw might end up missing THIS game, but Gary needs to start him because Rice is on a bye, Brandon Bolden is hurt, Kevin Smith never plays, and Alshon Jeffery is...is he still in the league? Oh! And also...Kyle Rudolph had another shitty week!

Deep in his heart, in the recesses of his soul, Bri knows his team is not 6-1 good. Oh sure, that's his record, but he's been getting chubby on cupcakes so far. His time is coming. Maybe not now, maybe not 'til the playoffs, but soon. And for the rest of the season.

THE PICK: THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 85 - MOTHER OF DRAGONS 70

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

AFFL Week 7 Review

SCREEN!

Sorry, thought I just saw Todd Haley walking by.

THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 79.2 - ISIS 58.1
Weekly fill-in pick up Darrius Heyward-Bey and the Vikings were my best performers this week. I guess the rash of failure didn't spread to them quickly enough.

Bri won without a defense. Bully for him.


SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 73.3 - OUT FOR REVENGE 65.5
I predicted both of Timmy's wins this season, no big deal. I also predicted 64 points for OFR this week, no big deal. Guys! Seriously! It's no big deal! Your compliments are nice, though.

By the way, Timmy is now 2-0 since announcing his fire sale. Let nobody among us say he is not a leader of men.

By by the way, both William Powell and Trent Richardson got hurt early on, and they combined for just 3.7 points while Andre Brown's 9.2 rode the pine. Pretty much the main and only reason OFR lost. I believe that is what's referred to as...tough luck.


THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 91.1 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 74.2
Whoa! Hey! Where did this come from? The last defeated team is finally on the board!

The Buffalo/Tennessee game turned into a shootout early, with Chris Johnson racking up 130 yards and 2 touchdowns in the first quarter. He finished with 31 big points on the day, which is nearly half of his entire season total. Buying in bulk!

Maurice Jones-Drew maybe broke his foot, maybe has a Lisfranc thing, maybe something else. But his career as a Ripper has definitely come to an end. You guys take a moment to remember the good times he had with Larry. I can't, because I'm still kinda new and never saw any.


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 114.4 - CHEST ROCKWELL 60.4
I said this game would be sneakily low-scoring, and I was right. For one of the teams. I don't know how the Vikings won 21-14 when Ponder threw for 56 yards and only had 2 fantasy points, but it happened. Meanwhile, Drew Brees had a great day with 313 yards and 4 TDs...in the FIRST HALF. Adrian Peterson's huge touchdown vaulted him into the AFFL's top 5 fantasy backs, making the 2014 pick owed on him worth a first rounder at that moment. Go, AP!

Christ, even Vick Ballard had 10 points, and I'm not sure he even played.

After the review was posted Friday, Barker hopped in to the Comments to note...

Tried to trade Calvin for Alfred morris, shady, mcfadden, bradshaw, the Seattle RB, can't even think of his name, no other teams in league had any good rbs that weren't franchised, had to settle for McGahee. 

Now, I know Stafford looked extremely bad Monday night, but with 10 games left in the season, Calvin has at least 7 TDs left in him. Gary BENCHED Bradshaw this week and wouldn't give him up for Calvin? Bri wouldn't give up Marshawn Lynch for Calvin? (God, I hope Barker isn't referring to Robert Turbin.)

I know youth and contracts and this and that, but doesn't anybody in this league try to win NOW? Is the main point of this league to acquire cap space and next year's draft picks?


MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 93.1 - ANIMAL HOUSE 49.6
Here's a team that just won now. Now, I'm not disingenuous enough to argue that MRN won BECAUSE they traded for Calvin Johnson, but they're 1-0 since the deal and Barker and Gary are 0-1. These are just facts, people. Now sure, Calvin only having 3 points this week is also a fact, but why must you be so argumentative?

Brandon Lloyd dropped at least 15 points worth of balls Sunday, but if Randall Cobb didn't score 2 TDs and post 22 points, yes, this game actually could've been uglier.


ABBADABBA'S 82.1 - MOTHER OF DRAGONS 71.2
I don't know what the process is that leads somebody to start Kyle Rudolph over Ahmad Bradshaw, but I hope a gun and threats are involved. If Gary starts the #1 running back on a very good offense playing at home against a terrible defense instead of a TIGHT END, he wins this game by a hair.

But let's not dwell on it. I'm sure Gary has thought about it and feels bad that he lost because, even though both tight ends in this matchup scored 0, and Rice and McFadden were real disappointments, and Spiller was held in check in a shootout, and Luck played nicely as a bye week fill-in, he lost BECAUSE HE STARTED A TIGHT END OVER A #1 RUNNING BACK ON A GOOD TEAM!

I feel like Frank Grimes right now.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

WVFL Week 7 Preview

LAST WEEK: 5-1
SEASON: 24-12

The picks are on fire, folks. They're so good that my prediction of ST. A'S CRUSADERS 121 - HACKS 91 was just barely off the real final of 120-98.

My powers even frighten me sometimes.


THE NEV-R-WINS (6-0) vs. PURPLE SWIRLS (2-4)
This is a real danger spot on my quest for an undefeated season. Garcon and Jennings are still out, which is forcing a free agent pickup, Stephen Hill, into my lineup. And it's forcing me into a two tight end set. And there's all that weird Caulen karma hanging out there.

Lucky for me, all of Caulen's players except Hawkins have the early game, so it won't be too long before I know what point total I have to surpass.

By the way, according to super-nifty Record Book that Nate pointed out to all of us this week, my current 6-game winning streak is the longest in WVFL history.*

(*According to the Record Book header, our league is missing data on the years 2003-2010, and therefore those years are not included.)

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 91 - PURPLE SWIRLS 89


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (3-3) vs. LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (3-3)
I tell Webster he needs to step it up and his team puts up 101. I predict that Nate is going to be upset and he scores 109. I mean...I guess I'm happy I'm so influential. I'm like an undecided Ohio voter. People will take whatever dumb thought I have and jump through hoops for me.

As Nate so astutely pointed out, both of his QBs have a bye this week, so emergency FA pickup Christian Ponders gets the run. Another fun quirk is that Nate has DeAngelo Williams, while Web has Cam and Jon Stewart, so the Carolina red zone trips will be nice and tense.

As much as I would like to pick Nate here, the fact that he had two rosters go on Thursday and only managed 3.2 points doesn't make his prospects all that bright.

THE PICK: LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 79 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 60


ZOLTAN'S ZEROS (3-3) vs. HACKS (3-3)
The winner here could take "control" of the "totally uninspiring" Weegie Thompson. This division is like a school for slow kids where the only possible grade is a B-. (And DFA is STILL failing out!)

Considering Frank Gore's Thursday night breakout and the fact that Trent Richardson's injury might force Daryl Richardson into the lineup, I do not like the chances des Hacks this week.

THE PICK: ZOLTAN'S ZEROS 105 - HACKS 84


ATLAS SHRUGGZ (2-4) vs. WHIZ-BANG GANG (4-2)
I...look, I don't wan to be rude here. But Aaron Rodgers and AJ Green alone can probably outscore at least 7 of these Shruggz players.

Let's...let's just move on.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 114 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 55


IRON CITY POUNDERS (2-4) vs. FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-1)
Josh Freeman at QB because Ryan is on a bye, no kicker because the kicker is on a bye, Mark Ingram because I don't know why, and LaRod Stephens-Howling because...I mean, there is no answer for that.

As much I would love to see an upset here, I don't think I'm going to get one.

Tony, your team is looking great this season. Only one foe has been able to vanquish you so far. And I think we both recall who it was.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 105 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 49


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (3-3) vs. DEATHFROMABOVE (0-6)
The cream of the Weeg at .500, the Crusaders definitely do not want to be the first team that lets DFA up off the mat. Get up offa that thing, man!

Once again, I would love to call for the upset but just can't.

Wait a minute! Yes I can!

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 97 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 96

AFFL Week 7 Preview

LAST WEEK: 6-0
SEASON: 24-12

Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to know this much about football, to be 24-12 picking FANTASY FOOTBALL MATCHUPS and have such a shitty team?


No, you don't. Because most of you are idiots.


ISIS (2-4) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (5-1)
Bye week, injuries and a total lack of depth are combining to destroying me this week. I thought about engaging in some good old fashioned roster churn and burn, but what's the point. Maybe I'll get lucky with DHB, and the Steelers have regressed to the point where you actually WANT to start QBs against them, but I'm not going to win.


Gary asked me this week what my strategy was going into 2013 with just AJ Green was, and I had to swallow my pride, digest it, shit it out, and then admit that nobody I had was worth a 2- or 3-year contract. It was like asking somebody why they don't get laid more. "IT'S BECAUSE I'M UGLY, OKAY!?!/ IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR?!?!"

Bri has a nice team, though. So nice that he's not even worried about his defense being on a bye.

THE PICK: THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 99 - ISIS 60


SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS (1-5) vs. OUT FOR REVENGE (1-5)
This game brought to you by the Special Olympics and RC Cola.

Timmy offered up his players via fire sale, with the assumption being that he was after draft picks. Although considering his second round pick this was the since-cut Philip Rivers, what's the point?

But unbelievably enough, I'm picking Timmy two weeks in a row. Even more unbelievably, he and I are about to have the same record.

THE PICK: SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 66 - OUT FOR REVENGE 64


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (3-3) vs. THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (0-6)
The Whitechapel Rippers are the Chili's of this league - fairly successful, though totally unspiring. But if Stevie Johnson was even a tenth as consistent as the Southwestern Buffalo Egg Rolls, this team could be on to something.

By the way, Doug Martin, if you had any way how excited Larry was to draft you this year, you'd be doing a lot on the field. There's no way you'd want to leave him hanging like you are at the moment.

This matchup features three different players from Tennessee/Buffalo game, which doesn't have nearly the electric anticipation of Cleveland/Indy.

THE PICK: THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 77 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 60


CHEST ROCKWELL (4-2) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (4-2)
This week's Calvin Johnson trade was like Jagr for Beech/Sivek/Lupachak. Yeah, I know Chest was going to lose Calvin at the end of the year unless they ditched Fitz and franchised Cal, but all they landed was Willis McGahee? I guess you can count the 1 extra year each for Reggie Wayne and Jimmy Graham. I guess.

Meanwhile, the day AFTER Calvin was shipped out, Scott posts a bulletin offering every back he has in exchange for a good WR. Morris and Bush are both better than McGahee, so either Scott didn't offer them in time or those deals were dashed on the rocks.

Oh, and Scott also offered up AP after just 6 weeks. Hey man, not everybody can move product as well as me. I am going to enjoy those two draft picks of yours.

By the way, this game is going to be a sneakily low-scoring nail biter.

THE PICK: CHEST ROCKWELL 66 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 63


MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD (3-3) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (4-2)
MRN was the team that jumped on Felix Jones, who is benefitting from the passage of time clearing our memories. That's a fancy way of saying that we forgot that Felix Jones sucks. He'll be giving up carries by the second quarter to...uh...shit, I forget what that other Cowboy back is named. Tanner Glass is a hockey player...Tanner something...Phillip Tanner! Boom! Arcane Cowboys for $800, Alex!

Fortunately, Frank Gore went off on Thursday, and Animal House is relying on Fumblin' David Wilson (the Giants' 3rd option), so it might not matter.

This matchup also features Kendall Wright on one side and Kenny Britt on the other, which is hilarious. Animal House is going to drop a close one, then be mad at themselves for not picking up a kicker.

Calvin Johnson stat line: 48 yards, 2 TDs. Book it.

THE PICK: MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 85 - ANIMAL HOUSE 81


ABBADABBA'S (5-1) vs. MOTHER OF DRAGONS (4-2)
We went to a local school/church fundraising carnival tonight, and one of the volunteer staff members was...Edward James Olmos. I had the same moment of recognition that I would if I was at the Holy Innocents Fete and saw Gary's dad manning the goldfish bowl toss. Though Gary's dad never taught calculus to a bunch of Mexican kids from a bad neighborhood. Los Angeles, man. 

By the way, I've been gone for so long that I've completely forgotten Gary's dad's name. The only thing I know is that it's NOT Kevin. I know Reg Barker, and I remember Bri's dad was named Richard, but the senior Albert completely escapes me. Jim? No, that can't be it. Wait, maybe it's Jim.

Why do I bring any of this up? Well, Edward James Olmos for one. And also, I'm fucking sick and tired of talking about teams that are better than me. Which is almost all of them. Until next year!

THE PICK: MOTHER OF DRAGONS 101 - ABBADABBA'S 82

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

AFFL Week 6 Review

Went 6-0 with the picks for a second straight week, put up the highest weekly total of the league to date, got Scott all riled up again, AND I can flip over easy eggs right in the pan without breaking the yolks? Good God, wanna kiss myself.


ISIS 137.3 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 92.3
While the 137.3 is mighty impressive on its own, it could've been 150 had I started Dez. However, I knew I had to bench Dez so he could finally score his first TD of the year. It was a love something, set it free type deal. Fortunately, franchise player AJ Green (aka TD Green, aka 18=6, aka #1 WR in the league) continued his streak of being awesome every week, with yet another TD and 25 points. Eric Decker fell down in the open field like only a white receiver could do, but made up for it with a touchdown later, and the Denver defense put up 27 during that ridiculous comeback.

Amazingly, the Knight had the 4th highest point total of the week behind me, Gary and...the Knight BENCH. Yes, that bench put up 94.3 points. Shonn Greene had his only good game of the year (and best of his career), Russell Wilson went off, and even Mike Williams caught a long TD. With his optimal lineup in, the Knight could've scored 139. Tough loss. For you, maybe. Me, I won.


SIGMUND & THE SEA MONSTERS 74.6 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 70.6
Self-serving reminder: I called this upset on Friday. On Sunday, Timmy posted something about being 0-6, maybe not realizing he was ahead at the time. Poor guy can't even flame out properly. Then he posted something about having a fire sale, although he didn't clarify if he'd be picking up any players worth trading for first. His most interesting guy is Greg Zuerlein.

I predicted Scott would score 73 points this week. Had he picked up Christian Ponder, like I recommended, he would've scored 73.6. Sometimes I even amaze myself, folks! Peterson still had no TDs, Morris was held in check a bit, and we covered that Antonio Brown garbage on Friday. Ugh. Todd Haley.

I'm sure Scott had a great time Monday hoping Malcom Floyd could scratch out another 41 yards receiving. Such is life.


CHEST ROCKWELL 80.3 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 73.5
Barker lit a Calvin Johnson trade flare on Sunday afternoon. Though I'm certain Bri offered up Cam within 3 minutes of that announcement, I'm not sure I get it. Remember last year how big Cal had like 9 TDs in the first 5 games and that wasn't sustainable? Only 1 TD in his first 5 games this year isn't sustainable either. And Chest is a playoff team. I unno. What do I know? Besides that Chest will desperately be searching for a new QB in two weeks?

Aaron Rodgers had literally half of his team's points this week, giving new meaning to the franchise name. That vaunted Niners D, drafted ahead of Alfred Morris, CJ Spiller, and Peyton Manning, had -1 point in the same week the Denver D had 27. Folks, don't ever draft a defense before the last two rounds.

Actually, between Gore, Crabtree, Moss, and the defense, that Giants domination really did not help MRN this week.


MOTHER OF DRAGONS 117.2 - ANIMAL HOUSE 63.7
There's not too much to say when one team loses by 54, so let me take a second to point out to Gary that I would've handled him easily this week. Before he starts feeling all high and mighty with his shady Ray Rice draft treasure.

Ryan Mathews and Brandon Lloyd are still failing to deliver on all of that preseason fantasy hype. And Dwayne Bowe continues being a 4/22 guy. He either scores 4 or 22.


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 73.6 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 70.1
Bri got away with one here, though it's not like Larry deserved to move to 4-2 with the 4th-fewest points in the league. Now that he knows he can win without Cam, how serious does Bri get about trading that guy for a star who can help him win this year? Cam-watch 2012 is officially underway!

LeSean McCoy could be so much better without Andy Reid. You're at home, you're struggling, you're playing against a terrible defense, and your best player touches the ball 14 times? Andy Reid is the worst. When he's coaching Jacksonville in 2014, the 3-13 seasons are going to pile up like cordwood.

The only silver lining for Larry in this loss is that thanks to bye weeks, he didn't make a bad lineup decision that cost him the game. His general overall suckiness cost him the game instead.


ABBADABBA'S 74.6 - OUT FOR REVENGE 57.2
Another lucky 5-1 team here. And another moment of self-congratulation, if you can believe it. I predicted OFR to score 55 this week. I mean...seriously, folks! I'm as impressed as you are!

The best #1 fantasy champion guy in the world, Robert Griffin III, dominated another game with 33 points. Why hasn't Abba's franchised him yet? Is it because they think 2013 is really going to be Mendenhall's year? Is it because they know once teams have enough game tape on Griffin, he'll follow the Cam career arc? Ah, I'm sure it's something else.

The highest OFR scorer this week was the Giants defense with 13. That was the only starting position in double digits, in fact. Hilarious!

Saturday, October 13, 2012

WVFL Week 6 Preview

LAST WEEK: 3-3
SEASON: 19-11

THE NEV-R-WINS (5-0) vs. ATLAS SHRUGGZ (2-3)
The undefeated dream lives to die another day! Just so you all know, I am FULLY aiming to go undefeated this season, win the title and possibly retire from the WVFL as the greatest all time champion in history. Yes, I am at mile 9 of a marathon and already planning where I'll keep my gold medal. What could possibly go wrong?!

Although I would've much preferred Tomlin punting at the end of the game rather than trying Suisham's career long, leaving Tennesse with hardly any ground to cover and plenty of time to do so, I guess I'll take the extra points for Bironas. And Jared Cook made the big 3rd down catch (somehow running away from James Harrison, who rivals Nnamdi Asomugha in coverage), giving me a few more points.

Atlas is probably distracted by this weekend's release of Atlas Shrugged II: Why Didn't Anybody Watch The First One? God, does that movie look terrible. I know the source material rivals Battlefield: Earth, but my goodness.

Also, starting Brandon Gibson, Jeremy Kerley, and Shonn Greene and thinking you can win is like thinking you can cut the base tax rate by 20% and just "close loopholes" to make up the difference.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 101 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 80


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (2-3) vs. DEATHFROMABOVE (0-5)
Wasn't DFA really good like...only a couple of years ago? What happened to this team?

Side note: As I've mentioned several times, I'm in two different fantasy leagues. And both of them feature teams starting Josh Gordon this week. I don't know what this says about my life, but it can't be a net positive.

On records alone, this matchup seems like a good chance for the Elbow to get back to .500 and premature playoff chatter, but don't you think Gordon and Sidney Rice are gonna combine for about 8 points? Nicks is still dinged up, Dez Bryant is useless, and somebody on this DFA roster is going to go crazy this week.

Hell, I'm calling it.

UPSET ALERT! (At least Nate can take pride in the fact that him losing a game can finally be considered an upset)

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 89 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 86


ZOLTAN'S ZEROS (3-2) vs. LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (2-3)
Ah, the annual Marlin Collingwood Bowl! As always, the winner receives an all-expenses paid business trip to Alexandria, VA.

A few weeks back, Webster pinged me to say it was time to start showing the All Stars a little respect in the picks column. Since then, they've dropped three straight. Now, I'm used to being so far ahead of the curve that my views are criticized until others catch up to me. But I hope this proves once and for all the titanic, galactic, karmic power of these picks. If I say you suck, you suck. It's not my fault, it's your fault.

Although...Web was forced to start Ike Redman because of bye weeks, and that worked out pretty well. Especially when you consider that Skip Henry had Mendenhall, who got hurt after just 1.7 points. And Antonio "Bubble Screen" Brown only had 2 points. Two positions burned and just 3.7 points out of it? Plus Ryan Fitzpatrick and Danny Woodhead in the starting lineup? Even with 10+ years in the PR game, Scott can't spin this one.

THE PICK: LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 85 - ZOLTAN'S ZEROS 71


HACKS (3-2) vs. ST. A'S CRUSADERS (2-3)
This one here could give somebody control of the Weegie Thompson division, which is vastly inferior compared to the Bam Morris division. Like 2012 AFC v. NFC inferior.

The Crusaders seems to be suffering from a championship hangover, giving up the most points so far this season. I'm sure Vick Ballard is just the sparkplug they need to get going. And while the Crusaders are rolling 2 of the top 3 fantasy backs (preseason rankings division), the Hacks are countering with the ever more common 2 TE set. Now, I know there are not that many good tight ends in the NFL OR the WVFL, so I don't know where this trend is coming from. But I guess when bye weeks mean your only other option is Daryl Richardson, you go 2 tight ends. Too bad an injury and WVFL roster settings prevent the Hacks from starting Aaron Hernandez, or they could go 3 TE.

By the way, not to recycle material from my other league preview, but if you just traded Ben for Matt Cassel and made no other changes, the Chiefs would be 12-4.

THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 121 - HACKS 91


IRON CITY POUNDERS (2-3) vs. WHIZ-BANG GANG (3-2)
You know, if American consumers and voters were half as optimistic as American fantasy football owners, Obama would be cruising to victory as people said things like, "The economy is going to turn around in 2013 because a new company like Apple will emerge after inventing something that's awesome." I mean...the optimism required to start LaRod Stephens-Howling, a 4th-string, 3rd-down back on a bad offense behind a terrible offensive line who isn't even started despite two injuries at his position? My fellow Americans, that is the extremely hopeful attitude we need to turn this country around!

Yahoo! has this pegged as a .04 point victory for the Pounders. Of course, they're also predicting 22 points for Michael Vick this week.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 105 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 94


FIREROCK ROCKERS (4-1) vs. PURPLE SWIRLS (2-3)
Facebook tells me that Caulen got married or something this week? Or maybe just finally updated his marital status? This was accompanied by a picture that made it look like they got married at a Pirates game or something. I really don't know what's going on here. But if it's true, a nice wedding gift would be for TK to bench the rest of his roster and let Caulen have a win this week. He would appreciate that much more than a toaster oven, I'm sure. Toaster ovens don't even make good toast!

Too bad he's probably not getting that win.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 101 - PURPLE SWIRLS 88

Friday, October 12, 2012

AFFL Week 6 Preview

LAST WEEK: 6-0 (!!!)
SEASON: 18-12

Let's start off with some Steeler talk. I didn't like Todd Haley when he coached the Chiefs, I didn't like hiring him and I don't like him now. The one thing I can give him credit for is having the best 3rd and medium plays in the league. That explains why we're converting 3rd down over 50% of the time...and also why Haley wastes 1st and 2nd down on shitty plays to set up third and medium. I don't know if I'm more tired of the 2-yard run into the middle, or the wide receiver screen with only one blocker in front. Gonna be cool when the 55th WR screen of the season is jumped and turned into a pick-six. Gonna be realllllll cool.

Next item. Can we please find some offensive lineman that don't have the ankles of thoroughbred horses? Do we not tape those things up? At this rate, Dermontti Dawson's Hall of Fame bust is going to be playing center by Week 10. At least it can't hold, I suppose.

Next item. I would not enjoy Ben Roethlisberger personally I don't think, but he is by far the greatest Steelers quarterback I've seen, and probably will be for 10-15 years after he retires. If you did nothing else except swap Matt Cassel and Ben, the Chiefs would be 12-4 and the Steelers would be 5-11 with some lucky breaks. Chiefs have some nice pieces!

Long season ahead. Lonnnnnng season.

On to the picks!


ISIS (1-4) vs. THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (0-5)
I don't think this game would even be aired regionally. Total media blackout. The Knight benched Chris Johnson again, so I'm sure it was extra enjoyable to watch him rack up 11 points, his 2nd-best effort of the season. And that could've been 31 points if he ran properly through the freeway-wide holes the Titans opened up.

Bill benched Johnson in favor of Josh Gordon, once again chasing last week's points. Expect a 0.3 from Gordon this week. Ben was nice, but both Jacksons will have some tough sledding.

The only interesting thing about my team right now is that I'm starting two guys listed as A. Green. What a quirk! Stafford, Murray, and Dez are all due for good games, and because my team is stupid and hates me, look for those good games to come this week, when I'm playing an inferior opponent, which is extremely rare for me. Way to blow those extra points, dicks!

ISIS 91 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 66


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (4-1) vs. SIGMUND & THE SEA MONSTER (0-5)
Too bad we're not a PPR league. Antonio Brown's 20 yards would be much better, fantasy-wise, if you counted those 4 screens he caught. Further up the roster, Drew Brees is on a bye this week, and it wouldn't surprise me if Scott started a QB on a bye just to make a point. That point being, he can beat Timmy with no QB. A smaller, secondary point being, Scott is Grade-A1 cocksucker.

Or maybe he'll just pick up Christian Ponder tomorrow.

Turner will continue to defy decent common sense with another 10+ effort this week, and Austin might catch a first quarter TD before tweaking his hammy again. On the other side, Alfred Morris is due for a clunker, and I'm feeling frisky on a Friday, so here it is!

UPSET ALERT!

SIGMUND & THE SEA MONSTER 80 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 73


CHEST ROCKWELL (3-2) vs. MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD (3-2)
Scott Fujita is suspended by Goodell basically for not ratting out his teammates and coaches. Meanwhile, Calvin Johnson says he suffered a concussion in Week 4 but sucked it up because that's football. The Lions say no he didn't. He doesn't know what he's talking about. (Possibly because he was concussed and is dumb now.) Play heads up football, kids! Roger Goodell cares!

Roger Goodell is worse than Gary Bettman. And yes, I'm aware of the current NHL lockout. But Goodell has created the first anti-NFL backlash in like 25 years. It's like this pasty asshole figured out a way for people to stop liking pizza.

But hey, wait until we have a full-time team in London! Sure, the two teams that play in London currently get an automatic bye the next week to recover, and you probably can't jigger a schedule to provide all 8 London Crumpets road opponents a bye next week. And that London team can never play on Thursday night because it would be 3am local time. Or Monday night. Or even the Sunday late afternoon time slot. And when there's a Seattle-London playoff game one year in the second round, the road team (which just played a Wild Card game the weekend before) will lose by 35, outraging fans everywhere.

I think I hate Roger Goodell's assholish disingenuousness more than Paul Ryan's, and I'm not sure if that's even possible.

Oh right! I'm supposed to be previewing the case of Chest v. Rodgers.

THE PICK: CHEST ROCKWELL 93 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 83


MOTHER OF DRAGONS (3-2) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (4-1)
Everyone in the Central Division is 4-1, except The Knight, which is 0-5. It's like the mid-'90s AFC Central.

This matchup is one of the rare games in which you've heard of every guy at every position. And so there should be points a-plenty. "Points A-Plenty! The pencil that never needs sharpening! Super-strong space age graphite..."

So, as with so much of life, we need to figure out who is about to disappoint us. McFadden has been disappointing all season (except against the Steelers), and Percy is once again hurtsy. Ryan Mathews had his good game of the season, and Brandon Lloyd hasn't done a ton. (But he's reunited with Josh McDaniels!) Plus, the Seahawk corners are all at least 6'1", so they can play against Lloyd's size.

Mm. Rough loss here for whoever gets stuck with it. And the one who is it is y-o-u.

MOTHER OF DRAGONS 101 - ANIMAL HOUSE 100


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (4-1) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (3-2)
Bri and I exchanged a couple of emails this week in which it was revealed that my total minutes watched of the 2012 NFL season bested his total minutes by like a 150:1 ratio. And yet here he is, with all the good players and a 4-1 record. It was like talking to a hot chick who just won March Madness by picking the best mascots. Except Bri has very small, hairy tits. Quite unattractive.

This wasn't in the emails, but I guarantee Bri is happy to have an excuse to bench Cam this week. Even if it is just a bye.

Except for Julio Jones, every single Bri player is better than every single Larry player. The only really interesting angle here is the Manning Bowl angle. Lucky for you, I don't work for ESPN, or I would burn 1000 words just on that.

THE PICK: THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 99 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 81


ABBADABBA'S (4-1) vs. OUT FOR REVENGE (1-4)
Your franchise player finally returns after shredding his knee. You sit him out for the first game. Hey, makes sense. Ease him back in. He scores like 15 points. So you start him the following week. And then he strains his Achilles and leaves with 17 total yards. And then we all laugh. Ha ha ha, we say. That is terrific, we muse.

Plus, if Griffin is ruled out, Abba will have to start Tony Ohno against Baltimore.

Lucky for Abba's, they are playing Out For Revenge this week, a terrible team that is only good enough to beat me. And maybe not run by the sharpest managements staff. Earlier this afternoon, Bill posted the following to the league's message board:

Put Daniels in & bench Tate 

Maybe that was a reminder note to himself (paper's too good for you?), but I THINK it was meant to be a poll. And if so, I would've voted for the third option, "Who cares?"

ABBADABBA'S 87 - OUT FOR REVENGE 55

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

AFFL Week 5 Review

Folks, the preview picks went 6-0 this week and earned TWO different compliments from Scotty A. It's times like this that really make going to college worthwhile.


ANIMAL HOUSE 75.3 - ISIS 44.7
Looks like Ryan Mathews doesn't enjoy being called shitty week in and week out. Yes, he totally reads these previews and had a real chip on his shoulder Sunday night.

Glad Andy Dalton had his worst game of the year when I actually needed to start him. I'll really enjoy his 22 points on the bench next week. And I would never call an NFL player a pussy, but...Jeremy Maclin takes one hard hit and then just stops playing the rest of the game. Every week.

I hope all of my players are renting, not buying. This team is going to see a highly-publicized "rebranding" campaign next season.


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 81.3 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 53.5
At least I'm better than SOMEbody. ANYbody.

When does Cam officially become a concern to this team? I guess as long as they're winning, everybody is happy. And with McCoy, Foster, and then either Marshall or Torrey Smith having good games every single week, they will probably keep winning for a while.


ABBADABBA'S 88.6 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 84.8
MRN can sit there, knowing that if they started Wright over Garcon, they would've won this game. But really, who among us would be bold enough to make that call. They can sit there upset that they had a chance to pull out the win after Bob Griff got "mildly" concussed, but couldn't do it. They can kvetch that Abba inexplicably did not start his franchise player in his first game back, leaving points on the bench.

But he is probably purple with apoplectic rage that the Bears defense had Tillman and Briggs each scored defensive touchdowns this week, just like they did last week, and THAT IS THE FIRST TIME IN NFL HISTORY THAT HAS HAPPENED.

MRN literally lost because of something that has never happened before.


MOTHER OF DRAGONS 96 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 53
If you're going to even have Josh Gordon on your roster, it's a borderline tragedy that you've benched him for a long touchdown and a 20-point game. I'm not even sure Gordon had a 20-point season before that.

The backfield of Johnson, Jackson, and Jackson did nothing, combining for 12.9 points. I predicted that Johnson would suck since he was starting again, and as willing as I am to praise myself, even I won't take credit for the obvious.

I was really hoping that Gary had benched Harvin after last week's 3 point bust, but a plethora of bye players forced Harvin into the lineup. He and Bradshaw alone almost outscored The Knight.


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 99.7 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 69.2
Scott is making gurglings that I did him some favor handing over AP, but I don't know if 10 points is worth 2 draft picks. I mean, TDHAF doesn't get bonus points for each week's announcement from AP or Leslie Frazier that the knee "is better than ever." Alfred Morris would be worth 3 draft picks at that exchange rate.

Blaine Gabbert had -0.2 points this week. I guess it's fortunate that he was on the Ripper bench, but...why is he even on the Ripper bench?


CHEST ROCKWELL 104.6 - OUT FOR REVENGE 97.8
Stevan Ridley had another 20 points. This after yet another Patriots running back (Shane Vereen) became a recommended pick up. Three Pat backs are getting regular touches, and Ridley is still putting up 20 points. How? Well, according to an article in the Boston Globe this week, the Pats talked to Oregon's Chip Kelly and are now implementing a SINGLE WORD PLAYCALL in their no huddle scheme. And like the wild Oregon offense, they are trying to run as many plays as possible.

Stevan Ridley is worth 5 draft picks on the open market.

I guess you could argue that the 2 tight end set worked, as the tight ends averaged 9.3 points. Although with Jimmy Graham only scoring 0.4, it's like the night Michael Jordan and Stacey King combined for 70 points on the back of King's single made free throw.

Wait...Marques Colston had 31 points?!? Was I even watching that game? When did that happen?

Sunday, October 7, 2012

WVFL Week 5 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2
SEASON: 16-8

The picks this week are sponsored by My Life. "My Life: Too Much Wine, Not Enough Time."

THE NEV-R-WINS 96 - DEATHFROMABOVE 93
True story alert: I forgot I picked up the Rams defense for a spot start this week and was stunned Friday morning to see that I already had 18 points.

Second true story alert: DFA is forced to start James Starks this week - who has already been ruled out - due to bye weeks and poor roster construction.


IRON CITY POUNDERS 84 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 65
Cecil Shorts and Lamar Miller are in the starting lineup for The Elbow. Those two names by themselves wouldn't help you know what fantasy sport we're talking about here. I mean...it could be fantasy Turkish basketball.


FIREROCK ROCKERS 110 - ZOLTAN'S ZEROS 88
You're telling me I'm supposed to pick a team that is starting Chaz Schilens? The third WR on the only bad offense left in football, pro or college? Noooooo thanks.


PURPLE SWIRLS 106 - HACKS 78
Two tight ends, huh? Pretty showy.

Ryan Mathews suuuuuuuuuucks. When are we all going to agree on this?


ST. A'S CRUSADERS 115 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 50
The Toyota Blowout of the Week. Jermey Kerley? Greg Little? Shonn Greene? This is less a starting lineup, and more of a coded cry for help. The creative makers are definitely on strike here.


WHIZ BANG GANG 111 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 110
Shame somebody has to lose this one and drop a quality roster under .500. Email Caulen for coping strategies.

Friday, October 5, 2012

AFFL Week 5 Preview

LAST WEEK: 2-4
SEASON: 12-12

ANIMAL HOUSE (3-1) vs. ISIS (1-3)
Is this what it's like to just be playing out the string? I feel like a 55-year old who just got laid off and can't retire to some sunny condo complex with shuffleboard and soft eggs. I'm just sitting around, waiting for the final moments when I can be euphorically released from this earthly agony...but it's taking soooooo long.

Jacquizz Rodgers is a nice project and an interesting scratch and win lottery ticket, but actually needing to start him in a game? Oof. Of course, he can't be worse than Murray or Dez.

Uninteresting side note alert: Both of my fantasy matchups this week feature Brady vs. Dalton. But in my other league, which I now care about much, MUCH more, I have Brady and a 4-0 record. So fuck it, goooo Handsome Tom.

Second sidenote alert: It came out this week that Tom Brady called Jamie Dimon to give him a pep talk after JP Morgan reported a $6 billion loss on unsupervised trading. That is amazing. "Hi Jaime, this is two-time Super Bowl loser Tom Brady. I know what's it like to suffer a big loss, too. But remember, neither one of us will lose our jobs and we're both still super rich. America! Fuck yeah!"

ANYWAY! Baltimore can probably bottle up Jammal "SuperFast" Charles, and Ryan Mathews is so bad and disappointing that he should be on my team. But Andre Johnson will do whatever he wants against Jets corners, and the Junk Man, Dwayne Bowe, will have another meaningless TD.

THE PICK: ANIMAL HOUSE 87 - ISIS 68


SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS (0-4) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (3-1)
This game has one of those weird, early-season college football spread. Kangaroo -41, with no money line option for them.

Flacco can't ever play two good games in a row ("But I am ELITE!), Forte is still hurt and will be rested against stinky Jacksonville, and Michael Turner is still winded from last week's touchdown catch, which makes Jackie Battle the best Seaback.

Of Bri's 6 name stars in his lineup, 3 will be kinda disappointing, but 3 will be explosive. Which 3 specifically? I unno, who cares. This game is not one that warrants close examination.

 THE PICK: THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 91 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 70


MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD (3-1) vs. ABBADABBA'S (3-1)
It took five weeks, but Abba's finally gets to start their franchise player, the guy they didn't need at all for their current 3-1 record. Mendenhall's return forces DeSean Jackson to the bench, so expect a 65-yard TD catch from Jackson on a coverage mix-up.

Bob Griffin Jr. Jr. will continue his move of putting up 5 points in the first half, but finishing with 26 points as the Skins come back from a 24-6 deficit to just barely lose 31-27. And anything Griffin throws to Garcon will not be worth full value to MRN, so that's an extra blow.

The thing is, Aaron Rodgers has another chance to really do his thing (barring any eye gouging), so he should match Bob. Roddy White will continue to exploit single coverage, especially against a terrible secondary, so it's going to come down to the FOUR 49ers playing in this matchup. Crabtree? Heh. He sucks.

Crabtree sidenote alert: Remember in 2008 when the Raiders took Heyward-Bey 7th, stunning everybody? And the the Niners took Crabtree 11th, and Crabtree held out, claiming that since he was the #1 rated receiver in the draft, he should've been drafted 7th and it's not his fault that Al Davis is old and insane and just took another random fast guy? And that Crabtree should get a contract equal or greater to DHB's, and this was a problem because rookie salaries were slotted by pick position under the old CBA, more or less?

And DHB is probably more valuable to his team, and a better receiver than Crabtree now. Life is hilarious sometimes. The point of this stories is...I like stories.

THE PICK: ABBADABBA'S 106 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 96


THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (0-4) vs. MOTHER OF DRAGONS (2-2)
Before we get into this matchup (which had 3 guys on Thursday combine for 15 points and 2 injuries), a couple of Steeler notes. Both relevant here, since the Knight owns both parties in question.

1 - With the Rams allowing Steven Jackson to void his 2013 contract year and seek greener pastures, what about a 1-year Steeler deal. It would give Mark Madden his 4th heart attack (this one from joy), Tom from Munhall would approve, and the Steelers would have a hard running back who can grind out games. Jackson's tires have lost some tread, but he could still salt away some games in the fourth quarter if used wisely.

2 - With the Steelers defense aging in dog years and the NFL moving toward a passing game, and the college game somehow producing lots of fast, strong defensive linemen and hardly any human moons that just stand there and eat a double team...is it time to start drafting for a switch to the 4-3? Our pass defense is terrible, and when nickel or dime coverage take LBs off the field, you can forget about QB pressure.

Moving on! The Knight only got 7 out of Jackson and 4 out of Amendola before he broke his collarbone. Chris Johnson is back in the lineup, which means he'll suck again this week, and a still gimpy Fred Jackson won't be doing anything against the Niners defense.

On the other side, except for Ryan Williams being terrible (He just fell down trying to catch the edge on one play), every other player for Gary has a plus matchup.

THE PICK: MOTHER OF DRAGONS 88 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 54


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (3-1) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (3-1)
Larry should get womyn's ryghts credit for having two players with hyphenated names on his roster. So progressive. Forget history, what about herstory?! Am I right, ladies?

And that's fitting, because he's going to stone cold take it like a bitch this week. Just get tossed on the bed and piped with extreme prejudice. Eli will find a way to be disappointing at home against a shitty team because that's what he does. Good defenses will bottle up MJD and Stevie Johnson, and Julio Jones is the world's most talented decoy.

On the other side, the mere presence of Sean Payton in the Superdome this week will propel Brees skyward, and drafting the third Redskin back turned out to be incredibly canny, as Alfred Morris is now running wild. It was not lucky at all. Scott is good and smart and you should be so lucky to be like him.

THE PICK: TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 83 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPER 64


OUT FOR REVENGE (1-3) vs. CHEST ROCKWELL (2-2)
It is not nice for the NFL Network air games with Kevin Kolb if they feature a skycam and Mike Mayock doing color. The normal FOX broadcast would not have exposed Kolb's lack of vision and skill so voraciously. Fitzgerald should've had at least another 10 fantasy points in this game. Yeah, I know Kolb got sacked 8 times. I'm going to assume his total lack of field vision is at least partially responsible.

On the other side, OFR keeps playing Looper, as Marques Colston gets back into the lineup this week after his 20 bench points this week. Unfortunately, in our world, there is no going back. If there was, I'd currently be in the AFFL draft room, making better picks.

THE PICK: CHEST ROCKWELL 79 - OUT FOR REVENGE 75



Tuesday, October 2, 2012

AFFL Week 4 Review

TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 99.2 - ISIS 81
Congrats on your two defensive touchdowns. Sooooo impressive and soooooo sustainable. Oh, oh, you're soooooo great! I'm soooooo fuckin' impressed by how great you are! And Alfred Morris is soooooo amazing!


I genuinely considered starting the Red Rifle at QB over the Baby Blue Pile Of Uselessness, but at least that didn't cost me the win. What did cost me was Murray, Tynes and Maclin failing to average 11 points each so I could make a comeback. Useless.

I hate every single person on my team and they are all available for trade. Except AJ Green. Wanna kiss that guy.


CHEST ROCKWELL 82 - MOTHER OF DRAGONS 59.7
Apparently the Dragons were so disturbed by the Seth MacFarlane news (that he's dating their mom) Friday that they were not ready to perform on Sunday. Ryan and Jackson tried, combining for 38 points, but when 3 running backs combine for less than half of that, you're in trouble.


Percy Harvin, who could not be had in a trade on Friday, scored 3 points.

Not to harp on fantasy "experts" again and again, but now they're telling us to go out and pick up Brandon Bolden of the Pats since he had a huge game Sunday. What sense this makes when we were told after Week 2 that Stevan Ridley was the man, then watched in Week 3 as Woodhead got all the carries, and then Week 4 where the Pats had 52 points and TWO 100-yard rushers is beyond me.

That's a long, long way of saying Stevan Ridley had a really nice 22-point game. Shame that Barker benched James Jones and his 2 TDs, but sometimes a man needs to start two tight ends. It just feels right. Didn't cost him the win, at least.


MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 102.9 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 56.5
Yes, it is hilarious that Bill finally summoned up the guts to bench to Chris Johnson, only to see him put up his best game of the year. It would have been more hilarious if he lost because of that, but Chris Johnson didn't score 50 points, so the benching isn't entirely why he lost. Russell Wilson and Shonn Greene sucked - as predicted - but the all-short, all-white and all right receiving tandem of Amendolker was pretty good with 23 combined points.

Aaron Rodgers finally had the kind of game he's supposed to have, and the Niners defense maybe just ended Sanchez' career as a Jet. Not sure if they'll get retroactive bonus points for that, but it doesn't really matter, does it?

(Point of fact: I have more points this season than MRN, but the inverse of his 3-1 record. S'cool.)


ANIMAL HOUSE 116.8 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER 109.4
AFFL teams rarely score 100+ and Tim extremely rarely does, so it sucks a fairly large dong that he did and still lost. He even got a huge game from Turner (including the world's slowest 60-yard receiving touchdown) and lost! Jackie Battle surprised everybody outside of Norv and AJ Smith by getting the start, most of the carries, and a 20-point day and Tim still lost! His kicker had 13 points and still lost!


This was just a devastating turn of events and you should feel shame for laughing about it. Shame on you.

On the other side, Ryan Mathews continued to be shitty and useless with only 8 points, and that somehow did not hurt Animal House. Most likely because Dwayne Bowe scored a garbage time touchdown for the Chiefs, and then Tom Brady threw a bonus touchdown to Brandon Lloyd that had both Lloyd and Animal House smiling like this. And don't forget Jammal Charles, who is suddenly amazing again.


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 133.1 - ABBADABBA'S 130.9
Wow. Where do you even start with this one? As I usually prefer, let me start with myself. In the Preview, I said that Brian Williams would have the 2nd-most points in the league this week, but lose to the team with the most. I had the sentiment right, but the teams flipped. ALTHOUGH! I was totally right all around until Dallas forgot to cover Brandon Marshall IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD and he eased in a gravy touchdown to give Kangaroo the come from behind win.


This all after it looked like Tony Romo was going to propel Abbadabba (via the Bears defense) to their own come from behind win. I don't know if Barker considered playing Boldin over Vernon Davis, but the 2.8 point effort from Davis is a huge hole on this scoresheet. Like a single Christmas bulb out on the string hanging from your gutter. Just glaring in its emptiness.

Side note: Abbadabba's has 200 points more than The Knight Who Says Ni (To Scoring)


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 56.2 - OUT FOR REVENGE 50.8
Nah man, don't be embarrassed that you scored 56 and won. Don't hide your face because other teams lost with 130, 109, and 81. Seriously, it's cool. Somebody has to win the D-flight, you know? When the 22-handicappers play skins, somebody has to win by default, right?


Just sit there sipping your drink, not worrying that your entire roster outside of Eli had 40 points. That none of them cracked double digits. That Doug Martin, with 4.2, was only your third-worst player.

Instead, focus on the positives. Things like...this is a head-to-head league and you had the right matchup. A friend of mine plays in a league with a weekly round-robin format, where you match up against every team every week. You would've gone 1-11 this week if we played that way, while Abba would've gone 11-1.

Or another positive, like OFR repeatedly insisting on starting Ben Tate, chasing the 2-TD week he missed when he benched Tate in Week 2. Or that Andre Brown won't ever have a good game again, just like I said. Or that if OFR started Marques Colston against a terrible Green Bay pass defense instead of Tate or Brown, you would've gotten crushed. But Colston's 21 points were on the bench. So you're cool.

1-0 this week. You did it, man. You're amazing.