Friday, November 30, 2012

WVFL Week 13 Preview

LAST WEEK: 6-0
SEASON: 52-20

I know I usually write a playoff picture post, but the playoff picture this year is so settled and so convoluted at the same time that it was too much effort. It comes down to this, more or less:

#2 seed - WBG wins, and they clinch it. If they lose, Firerock needs to win AND outscore WBG by 75 points to clinch the bye. Not very likely.

#5 and #6 seeds - Pounders and Lowcountry both clinch with a win. If one of both lose, the Elbow, Zoltan's, and Swirls are brought into the mix, with overall points the deciding factor. Zoltan is playing Lowcountry, so they can help themselves, but they also have the lowest points of the teams involved. Do NOT count Nate out of the playoffs just yet!

On another note, 52-20 with the picks this season? How can I get paid for this savant-like ability I have?!?!


THE NEV-R-WINS (11-1) vs. ATLAS SHRUGGZ (4-8)
If you're savvy enough, you've noticed that I suddenly have a little bit of a hole at the WR spot, and that it could potentially be my undoing in the playoffs.

But not this week.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 115 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 88


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (5-7) vs. DEATHFROMABOVE (4-8)
New England traditionally struggles in Miami, and this would be a pretty bad week for Nate to not get a full effort from Beautiful Tom Brady. But if Brady struggles, that means Wes Welker on DFA will also struggle, so maybe that's not at all. And even though Romo should light up the abysmal Philly secondary for DFA, Nate has Dez Bryant, so that will offset as well.

The dream is still alive!

THE PICK: THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 91 - DEATHFROMABOVE 89


ZOLTAN'S ZEROS (5-7) vs. LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (6-6)
Zoltan has dropped 4 straight after a promising start to the season. Lowcountry has won 2 straight to get a wobbly season back on track. And now here they are, battling for a single playoff spot.

Oh my God! I just noticed that Scott picked up Plaxico. Folks, it's time to stage an online intervention. Scott clearly has a problem with fantasy football and picking up Steelers.

He also picked up Colin Kaepernick, who I like quite a bit. I especially enjoy him because after 4 full years of sportswriters complaining about Alex Smith and wondering when he'll finally be benched, when Coach Harbaugh finally benches Smith for somebody who can throw just as well if not better, and is clearly more dynamic, sportswriters now wonder if Harbaugh has lost the locker room. Yes, I'm sure the veteran Niners are extremely pissed that Kaepernick is 2-0 already. Fucking sportswriters are the worst.

THE PICK: LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 75 - ZOLTAN'S ZERO 65


HACKS (4-8) vs. ST. A'S CRUSADERS (7-5)
Although they lead the Weegie, the Crusaders have no realistic chance at a bye, so this game doesn't matter so much. Lucky for them, because 29 points from a kicker and DST could be tough to overcome.

But not impossible.

THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 91 - HACKS 77


IRON CITY POUNDERS (6-6) vs. WHIZ-BANG GANG (8-4)
If Larry laid down his arms this week, he could most likely keep Caulen out of the playoffs. On the other hand, he could cost himself a bye and then would karmically lose in the Wild Card round. So I guess he'll try this week.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 101 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 88


FIREROCK ROCKERS (7-5) vs. PURPLE SWIRLS (5-7)
How unlucky has Caulen been these last 2 seasons? Well, in a must-win game in order to make this playoffs, his quarterback, who had a 54-game touchdown pass streak going, threw 0 TDs and 5 picks. The normally high-flying Drew Brees only provided Caulen with 8 points. What else can be said?

Between that and Caulen starting backs he's only owned for a total of 3 weeks and everybody on the Rockers having severe go off potential...looks like another dry year for the Swirls. Caulen, if you're listening, you can write the playoff game previews again. Since you'll be free and all.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 121 - PURPLE SWIRLS 101

AFFL Week 13 Preview

LAST WEEK: 8-4
SEASON: 49-29

Since these games matter not at all - today's #1 seeding kerfuffle notwithstanding - let's not spend a lot of time on them. This week is basically preseason for the postseason.


ISIS (5-8) vs. OUT FOR REVENGE (5-8)
Gosh, I sure would hate to lose this game and potentially clinch the 3rd-worst record and a better draft pick. I certainly wouldn't dream of benching my best starters, especially with potential David Stern-inspired "sanctions" looming.

THE PICK: OUT FOR REVENGE 81 - ISIS 64


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (8-5) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (8-5)
It's a good thing Scott didn't need a win this week to get into the playoffs, as Drew Brees threw 5 picks and had his 54-game touchdown pass streak ended. Scott only got 1.3 points out of Brees last night, and Brees is a top-4 quarterback. Boy, it sure is unpredictable what individual players will do from week to week whether they are started or benched.

THE PICK: ANIMAL HOUSE 84 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 68


CHEST ROCKWELL (5-8) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS (3-10)
Michael Turner this season is like a shitty car with a new paint job. He is so slow, and so washed up, and still having a pretty useful season thanks to those goal line carries.

Tim is starting Antonio Brown this week. Although Brown is healthy, Ben is not and so maybe this move will help Tim secure the #1 draft pick in 2013. A pick that he will almost certainly blow on the wrong guy.

THE PICK: CHEST ROCKWELL 64 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 51


ABBADABBA'S (10-3) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (8-5)
Desperate for the #1 seed, Brian Barker had to be encouraged to see Julio Jones only post 4.7 last night. Is there a less convincing 11-1 team in league history than Atlanta?

THE PICK: ABBADABBA'S 79 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 67


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (10-3) vs. THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (2-11)
Yes, somebody seriously complained about the starting lineups in a game featuring a 10-3 team versus a 2-11 team, as if one player is the key to the upset. No, there are no stakes involved in the #1 seed as opposed to the #2 seed. Yes, Roddy White only scored 2 points last night and Lance Moore had 12 on the bench. No, Brian Williams did not know that would happen and is not trying to lose this game on purpose to blow Bill's #1 pick chances.

Yes, Bri wrote a long email to me this week defending his keeping of Cam. No, it was not convincing.

THE PICK: THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 70 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 38


MOTHER OF DRAGONS (8-5) vs. MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD (6-7)
Is Matt Ryan maybe just not that good? Did he make any real A+ throws last night?

MRN should start Jake Locker over Aaron Rodgers just for the agitation.

THE PICK: MOTHER OF DRAGONS 91 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 68




Tuesday, November 27, 2012

AFFL Season Preview Review

I loudly entered the 2012 season with a lot of hot shit hot shot predictions about which teams were good and which had contracted a congenital case of terribleness. But how did those predictions actually pan out? Why don't we take a look?


TEAM: Abbadabba's
PLAYOFF PREDICTION: "Maybe one year. Not this year."
HIT OR MISS: I guess this is probably the biggest miss.



TEAM: Animal House
PLAYOFF PREDICTION: "Yes, but not a lot of playoffs. Just a dash of playoffs."
HIT OR MISS: Hit


TEAM: Chest Rockwell
PLAYOFF PREDICTION: "The Barkers will able to watch the Week 14 games together without a care in the world."
HIT OR MISS: Partial credit. This is why you don't pair your picks. But Barker did email me right after this preview came out to explain that he makes the playoffs every year and I had to learn that about the AFFL. So I'm awarding myself bonus points for standing strong.


TEAM: Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood
PLAYOFF PREDICTION: "Potentially the only fantasy team in America on which Aaron Rodgers won't make the playoffs."
HIT OR MISS: I mean...are you starting to get frightened?


TEAM: Mother Of Dragons
PLAYOFF PREDICTION: "For sure. Which somehow won't rule out Gary landing the 2013 #1 pick."
HIT OR MISS: Do you think I can levitate spoons and tractors with my massive brain?


TEAM: ISIS
PLAYOFF PREDICTION: "Yes, all of the playoffs."
HIT OR MISS: Don't worry, I can't. My team had tons of potential, as evidenced by the fact that I led the AFFL with the most high-score weeks. But just too much inconsistency did me in. Miss.


TEAM: Out For Revenge
PLAYOFF PREDICTION: "No. Possibly not ever."
HIT OR MISS: Hit for 2012, though technically I suppose this prediction is ongoing.


TEAM: Sigmund And The Sea Monsters
PLAYOFF PREDICTION: "Come on, don't be rude."
HIT OR MISS: Hit. But really, who wouldn't have hit this one?


TEAM: That Kangaroo Stole My Ball
PLAYOFF PREDICTION: "Oh, for sure."
HIT OR MISS: Hit. BONUS HIT! "...at some point Stafford is going to be traded for a #1 wide receiver..."


TEAM: The Knight Who Says Ni
PLAYOFF PREDICTION: "Barely."
HIT OR MISS: Miss. Though in fairness, remember that this prediction was made with a healthy Ben, Greg Jennings and Wes Welker in mind.


TEAM: The Whitechapel Rippers
PLAYOFF PREDICTION: "Looking like it."
HIT OR MISS: Hit.


TEAM: Timmy Doesn't Have Any Friends
PLAYOFF PREDICTION: "Prognosis negative."
HIT OR MISS: Miss. Like everybody else, I totally missed on Alfred Morris, and then Scott made a bunch of trades, like Greg Jennings and Wes Welker for Justin Blackmon and a bag of dicks.


Final tally, 8-4 overall while correctly picking 4 of the 6 playoff teams. Next year, I'll write the Season Preview column and we can just the skip the season. A sort of Strat-O-Matic fantasy league, if you will.








AFFL Week 12 Review

...and the regular season ends not with a bang, but a whimper.


MOTHER OF DRAGONS 90.8 - ISIS 81.7
MOTHER OF DRAGONS 90.8 - OUT FOR REVENGE 81.9
ISIS 81.7 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 64
OUT FOR REVENGE 81.9 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 64

So, so close to correctly predicting the upset superfecta. That woulda paid 15 to 1! But both OFR and I had a single position player get blanked, though it only cost me the win. Rigging the draft paid off for Gary, as Ray Rice picked up an incredible 30 yards on 4th and 29 on his way to a 16 point effort. And it seems as if Cecil Shorts was picked up legitimately, but Darrell Issa is calling for a special House sub-committee to examine the propriety of the move. Either way, Cecil caught a 60-yard TD, helping Gary clinch his division, free and clear. Nice that Gary was somehow in the worst division this season as well. Life is crazy sometimes.

MRN drafted the Niners defense in the 6th round this year, the first defense off the board. This week, they started the Packers defense (-1 point) over the Niners defense (24 points). While the Saints are indeed explosive and were at home, the Giants are also explosive, at home, coming off a bye, and the already shaky Packers defense was missing Clay Matthews and Charles Woodson.

MRN is flat out not going to the playoffs because they didn't start the defense they drafted way too early in a must-win double matchup. So there's that.


ANIMAL HOUSE 89.7 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 84.3
ANIMAL HOUSE 89.7 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 78.6
THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 84.3 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 82.2
TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 82.2 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 78.6

Three of these teams qualified for the playoffs this week, and the other got the inside track on the #1 pick. It's a win-win-win-lose (but still win) scenario! Animal House, which was on the verge of being a huge disappointment, got a big game from Brady and also from the rapidly-improving Andre Johnson. I would be extremely nervous to play this team in the playoffs.

Adrian Peterson has more or less clinched Top 5 running back fantasy points status for this season, meaning that his 2013 conditional pick will become a first rounder. But hey, Scott made the playoffs so maybe it was worth it? Or maybe he could've just started Reggie Bush.

I've said a lot of bad things about him this year, but I must admit that Cam is a great passer when defensive breakdowns leave somebody wide open running up the seam. Other than that, he still sucks. Though now Bri is going to be greatly tempted to start him in the playoffs. Come on, Bri! Blow your season on Cam since you say you're keeping him! Show your Cam love with actions, not words!

The Knight lost both games against teams desperate for wins to clinch the playoffs. We already know he refuses to start Justin Blackmon over Josh Gordon for some unknown, perverse, immensely frustrating reason, and Blackmon had 13 points this week to Gordon's 6. But did you know that Bill also had Chris Johnson on the bench this week? Mike Williams, Shonn Greene, and a banged up Danny Amendola started over Chris Johnson? Even though Johnson was playing the Jags? That seems...kinda odd. What's that you say? The Knight started the exact same lineup two weeks in a row? And probably didn't even bother looking at his team this week? And would've won BOTH OF HIS GAMES had he started Johnson and Blackmon? That seems...kinda interesting. How many draft picks is he being docked for that exactly?


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 116.6 - CHEST ROCKWELL 68
THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 116.6 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 40.6
ABBADABBA'S 76.2 - CHEST ROCKWELL 68
ABBADABBA'S 76.2 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 40.6

Forty. Fucking. Points. If you were trying to make the playoffs and desperately needed a win, wouldn't you like to be facing a team that scored forty fucking points? Brian Hartline. Mike Wallace, who is already struggling, trying to get passes from Charlie Batch. Daryl Richardson. Some quality fucking shit right here.

In fairness to Larry, he would've beaten Tim and Barker even if you COMBINED their scores.

Brian Barker clinched a first round bye thanks to another terrific Griffin performance. If you're wondering, Washington faces Cleveland and Philly in Weeks 15 and 16, and the Bears face Arizona in Week 16. So even though the rest of the Abba team is thoroughly average, he already has about 40 points in the can for the title game.

Somebody should write a country song about Larry Fitzgerald's season.

Friday, November 23, 2012

WVFL Week 12 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2
SEASON: 46-20

Ah, who even wants to think about this kind of stuff when you're still food hungover?


THE NEV-R-WINS (10-1) vs. IRON CITY POUNDERS (6-5)
Benching Garcon for Lloyd didn't work out so well.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 101 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 89


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (4-7) vs. ST. A'S CRUSADERS (7-4)
Ever since that trade last week, Nate and I have a Freaky Friday thing going on. He can't lose and my team keeps letting me down.

THE PICK: THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 110 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 101


ZOLTAN'S ZERO (5-6) vs. DEATHFROMABOVE (3-8)
What in the world is going on with this Zoltan team? And by the way, having the team with Romo, Wayne, Welker, Doug Martin, and Chris Johnson out of the playoffs is a pretty nice break for the league. Those are not the guys you want to face in a win or go home week.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 121 - ZOLTAN'S ZERO 55


HACKS (4-7) vs. LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (5-6)
Unbelievably enough, this Lowcountry team is not out of the playoff hunt.

THE PICK: LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 81 - HACKS 75


ATLAS SHRUGGZ (3-8) vs. PURPLE SWIRLS (5-6)
Oh, Caulen. Caulen, Caulen, Caulen. Jalen Parmele is not the solution to your cosmically and comically bad luck.

THE PICK: ATLAS SHRUGGZ 100 - PURPLE SWIRLS 98


FIREROCK ROCKERS (7-4) vs. WHIZ-BANG GANG (7-4)
If you think it's only here, I can assure you that Larry is unbelievably lucky in our other league as well.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 133 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 99

AFFL Week 12 Preview

LAST WEEK: 3-3
SEASON: 41-25

The picks have hit a tepid streak, which is certain to get worse this week with the double matchups. Now it's two chances to be wrong!

Also, it's a holiday Friday, and I'm still full of pie, so these are going to be quick hitters. If you don't like it, double your money back next week. If you love it, suggest to Gary that he does double or league-wide matchups in 2013. I'd probably quit this preview entirely if that happened.


ISIS (4-7) vs. MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD (6-5) and MOTHER OF DRAGONS (6-5)

OUT FOR REVENGE (4-7) vs. MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD (6-5) and MOTHER OF DRAGONS (6-5)
Since I offered him up for trade two weeks ago, Dez Bryant has posted 20 and 26 points. I guess none of the playoff contenders could use that kind of output. Good thing you all stayed away from even offering a shitty pick for him.

Oh, and nice of Matt Stafford to finally have a good game the week I bench him. Thanks, dick.


After MRN picked up Calvin Johnson in a trade, I said that he had at least 7 touchdowns left in him, and that the rest of the league blew if they're actually trying to win this season. Since then, he has 3 TDs with 4 games remaining. He's averaging 21.67 points the last 3 weeks. I'm sure you guys will start listening to me eventually.

I can't think of a single thing to say about Gary's team. It's the most boring kinda good team in the world.

The helmet logo for Out For Revenge has a WSM on it. I think this is how I can remember this is Bill McCamey's team. The S stands for Semi-Stunning upSetS.

THE PICKS:
ISIS 83 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 66
ISIS 83 - MOTHER OF DRAGONS 70
OUT FOR REVENGE 71 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 66
OUT FOR REVENGE 71 - MOTHER OF DRAGONS 70


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (9-2) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (7-4) and ANIMAL HOUSE (6-5)

THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (2-9) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (6-5) and TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (7-4)
Houston's defense posted a -1 for Scott. It would have been more advantageous, though more mentally taxing during the week, to have no defense on his team. Also, his 36.4 from yesterday seems decent until you realize it took half of his team to do it. Can Brees, Peterson, and Forte carry the rest of the load? Answer: possibly.

You can't really blame a guy for starting Peyton against that Chiefs team, but Bri still isn't starting Cam, even against a Philadelphia defense that is completely melting down. The entire team is melting down, actually. But still no Cam. Bri will still not trade him in the offseason, so don't ask. Cam is totally good!

That was some nice Thanksgiving Day football for Animal House, as they got 48 points out of just two players. The entire Animal House team might not score 48 points.

THE PICKS:
ANIMAL HOUSE 110 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 100
ANIMAL HOUSE 110 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 47
THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 100 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 70
TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 70 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 47


ABBADABBA'S (8-3) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS (3-8) and CHEST ROCKWELL (5-6)


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (6-5) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS (3-8) and CHEST ROCKWELL (5-6)
Both Sigmund and Abba's had one player active in the Dallas/Washington game yesterday. Tim's player got hurt early and Brian's player threw for another 4 TDs, and this matchup is already 27.2-0. I don't know what other result could've possibly summarized this season any better.

On a botched play, Mark Sanchez tried to scramble, ducked his head for some reason, ran into his own lineman and that lineman's meaty rump knocked the ball loose. The Patriots picked up the fumble and ran untouched into the endzone. Chest got 6 points for that. Then the Jets fumbled the ensuing kickoff and Julian Edelman ran that in untouched. Chest got 6 points for that. It really pays to have a defense in your starting lineup sometimes. Oh, also, at one point Stevan Ridley ran into the endzone untouched. Chest got 6 points for that.

Larry's fraudulent playoff run will continue because although Chest will most certainly destroy him this week...he is also facing Tim.

THE PICKS:
CHEST ROCKWELL 92 - ABBADABBA'S 90
CHEST ROCKWELL 92 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 71
ABBADABBA'S 90 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 50
THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 71 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 50

Monday, November 19, 2012

AFFL Week 11 Review

Please do recall that in the Week 6 Preview I said that if you just swapped Ben and Matt Cassel, the Steelers would be 5-11 if they caught some lucky breaks. Now, a high-strung, always tight, always intense division blood rivalry game isn't a perfect barometer for our overall situation, but we would've routed Baltimore with Ben last night.

And now we're looking at working out Brodie Croyle because he's familiar with Todd Haley's offense? Isn't it more important than he completely and utterly sucks? And we're getting a physical for Plaxico? You know what that physical is going to say? "Slow and has terrible hands."

Jesus Christ. The Steelers are like Apple after Steve Jobs. Running around making bad products, just changing the sizes of existing shit. Gross.

On another note, friends of ours who are of Mexican heritage got married Saturday and we went to the wedding. It was a full on Catholic mass wedding, but it was bilingual, so I was even more bored than usual. They lost me right at "Padre Nuestro..." even though I know all of the English version. In fact, knowing all of the beats and cadence to the ceremony, but not the actual words they were using, was bizarre. It was like watching "Star Wars" in another language. SAY Trayss-pay-oh?

The reception had mariachi and the whole thing. It was a time, man. When you you include the Jewish wedding I attended a few years ago (with the smashed glass and everything), and the gay wedding we're attending in April, I'm going to get the L.A. hat trick. Exciting!


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 73.2 - ISIS 64.8
With last week's email blizzard in mind, this game is hilarious for a whole host of reasons:

1. M. Barker's kicker and defense scored 8 combined points, which would've made no difference here if I had those two starting for me.
2. Had I started T.Y. Hilton over DHB, which I genuinely considered at 12:30pm PT, I would've won easily.
3. Had I started Dalton over Stafford, which I should've done because Stafford is awful and Dalton was playing the Chiefs, I would've won easily.
4. Had I started both 2 and 3, I would've scored 93 points with no kicker and no defense.
5. Larry's kicker and defense combined for 27 points, partially because Matt Ryan threw 5 INTs at home.
6. Tim's team, with a full roster, scored 34.6 points, or 30 points less than my 75% team.
7. Blaine Gabbert got hurt on a 1st quarter turnover and posted - 0.2, meaning my no kicker and no defense were not the low scorers in this game.



THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 77.7 - OUT FOR REVENGE 72.7
Bill McCamey emailed me Saturday to say that I had the wrong Bill when I said Bill had the worst team in the league two years in a row. As he corrected explained, Bill had the worst team last year and lost the #1 pick to Gary's shenanigans. But this year, Bill has the worst. This stupid league has 12 teams and 8 first names, plus Gary and Larry rhyme.

ANYWAY! Bill MCCAMEY, not Bill KNIGHT, had Matt Schaub on the bench for a historically monstrous day. Instead he started Carson Palmer, which cost OFR 19 points at the QB spot and the win. I'm going to attempt to break down Bill MCCAMEY'S thinking on this roster move. He can correct me if I'm wrong.

"Let's see...Houston is giving 16 and the Jags suck. So Houston will probably be up a ton early, and may even sit Schaub in the 4th quarter. But Carson is facing the Saints pass defense, which is the worst in the league. Plus, Oakland will probably be losing and passing all day to catch up."

That's why none of this pre-game complaining matters. Now that there is information overload on TV, online, on our phones, on our tablets, fantasy football is like poker. There are basic strategies. Ways you can improve your odds. Obvious mistakes to avoid. But everybody basically has the same information and ideas. And until the games are played or the cards are actually flipped, none of it fucking matters. Pocket kings can lose to junk cards on the flop, and you can outthink yourself on which quarterback to start.

Speaking of quarterbacks, Bri still refuses to play Cam, while claiming that he's keeping Cam forever. He also continues to win games he doesn't deserve to.


ANIMAL HOUSE 115.7 - CHEST ROCKWELL 61.2
It rained on Saturday for that wedding I mentioned, but the DJ didn't have the guts (or mp3 file) to play Alanis Morissette's "Irony." It's like raaaaaaaa-eeeeee-aaiiiiiiiinnnnnnn!

Speaking of, this game was a good bit of irony. John Skelton was benched in favor of RYAN LINDLEY after overthrowing Fitz early, and then Lindley helped Fitz' stats not at all. It turns out that Nick Foles isn't the answer in Philly just because he's white, and McGahee got his knee blown out and is done for 6-8 weeks. So Barker is no longer competing for the playoffs and no longer cares what the hell you do with your roster.

Meanwhile, look at this Animal House team. They have some pretty damn good pieces. If they could put a win streak together and sneak into the playoffs...


MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 111.4 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 63.5
Calvin Johnson sure is coming on lately. Touchdowns in two straight weeks now. Who saw that coming? And now the guy he was traded for it is done for the year. Of course, Gronk is also out for the season now, and Titus Young is suspended by the team for this week, so MRN might not be cracking 100 again any time soon. Also, with every carry he gets Jonathan Dwyer shows how useless Mendenhall is. But why rain on the MRN parade? They won by 50!

The Miami offense has 30 points in three games, Forte is going nowhere without Cutler, Welker is going to see triple teams with Gronk and Hernandez out, and Montee Ball is still in college. But you're still 7-3, bruh!


MOTHER OF DRAGONS 85.9 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 34.6
First, let it be said that Gary would've beaten all but 2 teams this week with his 85 point total. Vincent Jackson can be invisible all game and then go off on two drives, and Cecil Shorts is probably a lineup fixture.

Now that we're done with that, let's talk about Timmy. He's 3-8 this year. He was 4-10 last year. He was 5-9 the two years before that. Whoever plays him coming down the stretch has an advantage over the other teams. That is a fact. His entire team is either backups, average players, or stars having down years. If a team playing him this week had only Matt Schaub and a kicker, or only Andre Johnson and a kicker, that team would've won. I could've beaten him with just Dez and AJ.

Tim plays Whitechapel and Abba in the double dip this week, and then Chest to close the season. If Barker happens to get to 7-6 this double week and plays Tim to potentially make the playoffs, I'm sure he won't be complaining then.

In the Standings grid, there is a category of Weeks. It tracks who had the highest point total in the most weeks. I lead the league with 3. Bri Williams has 2. Most teams have 1 and 0. I am inconsistent, but not tanking. If we want to go to a system where every team plays every other team every week, just let me know. Also, I am full of wine right now.


ABBADABBA'S 78.7 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 41.3
I have been saying for 3-4 weeks now that the Knight needs to play Justin Blackmon. He traded good players to Scott for Blackmon, Josh Gordon sucks, Shonn Greene sucks, etc. Justin Blackmon had 236 yards and a touchdown Sunday. Put that in the lineup plus any functioning quarterback and The Knight could've won this game.

But Abba's won, thanks to 31 huge points from Robert Griffin, who is nothing like Cam at all. I mean that seriously. Griffin is very accurate and seemingly much smarter about when to run and doesn't pad out his fantasy stats with rushing TDs like Cam last year. Griffin is genuinely extremely good.

LeSean McCoy is also extremely good, but he's concussed now because Andy Reid had him playing in a 31-6 game with 2 minutes left. This Abba's team is going to be extremely vulnerable in the playoffs if Bob Griff isn't amazing every week.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

WVFL Week 11 Preview

LAST WEEK: 5-1
SEASON: 42-18

The entire league (with one glaring exception) is hovering around .500 and my picks are still 42-18? Maybe going undefeated won't be the most impressive thing I do this WVFL season.


THE NEV-R-WINS (10-0) vs. WHIZ-BANG GANG (6-4)
Speaking of which, the greatest threat to the undefeated dream is this week. I flat out asked Larry to bench some stars in the name of history and he refused. Which is extremely annoying, if admirable nonetheless.

The big trade this week will help a bit, as Jamaal Charles will get into the lineup in place of Chris Ivory. And if Garcon actually plays against that terrible Eagles secondary, that could help too. But I'm still going to need pinball points in this one, so hopefully Arian gets a couple of early TDs.

Ridley, Morris, Green, Rodgers...there are all going to go off this week.

I'm going to score a ton of points and lose. The new great American tragedy.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 131 - THE NEV-R-WINS 110


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (3-7) vs. HACKS (4-6)
Charles comes out of the lineup tomorrow and is going to be replaced by...uh..Greg Olsen, I guess? But Brady, Dez, Amendola, and LeShoure can hopefully make up the difference.

Seeing as how Donald Jones already did nothing and Justin Blackmon is about to do nothing, maybe the Hacks should get Julio Jones back in the lineup, questionable or not.

THE PICK: THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 88 - HACKS 84


ZOLTAN'S ZEROS (5-5) vs. ST. A'S CRUSADERS (6-4)
Wins are now extremely crucial for ZZ Middle, because of the 8 teams still fighting for a playoff spot, they are on the bottom of the points tiebreaker. They need to win, win big, and win now. Win! So it is rather unfortunate that they are starting Byron Leftwich this week. And Antonio Brown. And Rashard Mendenhall. And Shaun Suisham. I mean...wowwwwwwwwwww.

Hey! Somebody else picked up Jacquizz Rodgers! That's my guy to pick up and drop all season long!

THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 103 - ZOLTAN'S ZEROS 50


ATLAS SHRUGGZ 3-7 vs. FIREROCK ROCKERS (6-4)
It seems like Firerock has a monster 27-point lead, but in actually, he used up 3 guys to get those points. And one of those guys, Reggie Bush, only scored 3. Shonn Greene can match that 3 for Atlas, easy!

Of course, nobody else on this Atlas team can do a damn thing.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 91 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 77


IRON CITY POUNDERS (5-5) vs. PURPLE SWIRLS (5-5)
Thanks to the Weaky Thompson Divison, the loser of this matchup is probably still in the playoffs. But still, I'd imagine you'd want to win. I mean, I win all the time. It's great!

By the way, what a stunner that Caulen beat me to Marcel Reece this week. Just totally shocking.

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 103 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 94


DEATHFROMABOVE (3-7) vs. LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (4-6)
Yuck.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 94 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 77

 

AFFL Week 11 Preview

LAST WEEK: 3-3
SEASON: 38-22

In the words of Diamond David Lee Roth, "A-WHOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAA!" I never knew a roster decision could shake up the league so much. I felt like Guy Fieri reading the New York Times review of his new restaurant. And I'm not even sure what Barker is fussin' 'bout. I said in my preview he would miss the playoffs, so he already knows how his season ends. It's like Tom Cruise trying to deny his futurecrime in Minority Report.

And forget the vote, the most disturbing part of that email chain (besides the fact that it was 65 messages spread over 3 separate threads) was finding out Tim has kids. I guess the creationists are right, evolution is just an unproven theory.

By the way, just a quick note to clear up what I think is a common and growing misconception. Writing this preview probably takes me 30 minutes each week. Maybe an hour tops if I come and go between capsules. It's really nothing for me. Just because the rest of you need to turn down the TV volume to collect your thoughts doesn't mean I have to.


ISIS (4-6) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (5-5)
You may have heard that I have only six roster players this week, with no kicker and no defense. That is true. But on the other side, Larry has Eli on a bye and has to start Blaine Gabbert. Is that really that much different than having no QB? Also, Daniel Thomas played Thursday and squirted out 3.3 points. Can I not still win this game? Am I not man of flesh and bones, as are you?

Beyond that, Stevie Johnson didn't do much, Julio Jones might miss the game, and BJGE sucks. I'm going to totally win this game and nobody is going to apologize to me or my feelings. But whatever.

THE PICK: ISIS 68 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 55


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (8-2) vs. OUT FOR REVENGE (4-6)
OFR is going to pull off the upset here. Let's talk about why. First, Bri is still not starting Cam even though the Tampa Bay pass defense is terrible, and they still traded their mental patient best corner to New England. Second, LeShoure will not run against Green Bay. Third, with Julio limited, Patrick Peterson will shut off Roddy White. Fourth, neither Marshall nor Gould will get any points with Jason Campbell skipping stones at quarterback.

For the Revengenistas, Schaub will light up Jacksonville, Trent is going over 100 yards, Denarius can get points on the atrocious Saints passing D, and Rivers will throw at least two completions to Broncos.

There are no jokes in this capsule, only facts.

THE PICK: OUT FOR REVENGE 99 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 71


CHEST ROCKWELL (5-5) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (5-5)
Are the Wild Card spots based on division standing or just overall league record? Because if it's overall, Chest has a nice point lead on Whitechapel and a huge point lead on Animal House, and would do very well for himself to win this game while piling up a bunch of points. Take care of yo' business, son!

With Freeman against a terrible D, Wayne and Ridley playing in a shootout, and Jimmy Graham back to health, Chest should be able to score 2 points for every 1 email generated yesterday. Wow! 90 points! 



But because of the whimsical capriciousness of the world in general, and fantasy football in particular, those will not be enough points. Handsome Tom Brady is going to go off, super stoked for the game because of the new Scottish tweed overcoat (retail: $4,999 at a store you never heard of) he has purchased for the post-game presser.

THE PICK: ANIMAL HOUSE 92 - CHEST ROCKWELL 90


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (7-3) vs. MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD (5-5)
What was Matt Forte traded for again? Ah, I'm sure it was a very reasonable price and Tim will take the draft pick he got in return next year and finally start building that winner.

Welker might miss tomorrow's game, and Bush only managed 3 points, but between Brees and Morris, Scott should be just fine. Particularly because MRN is playing Mendenhall and Felix Jones.

THE PICK: TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 71 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 66


MOTHER OF DRAGONS (5-5) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS (3-7)
Gary has 4 different players on a bye this week, but expertly managed his roster so that he has a full lineup. He also expertly managed the season schedule so he could be playing Tim in a crucial week that could give him control of the division.

In fact, Tim was so excited to lose this week, he couldn't even wait for Sunday. Brian Hartline only scored 3 points on Thursday. Add in the fact that Michael Turner is hurt and will either miss his game or be limited, and Mike Wallace is never going to get a good pass from Byron Leftwich, and you see that Tim's roster is full in number but not in spirit.

 THE PICK: MOTHER OF DRAGONS 99 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 50


ABBADABBA'S (7-3) vs. THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (2-8)
Perhaps still upset that he had the worst team last year but didn't get the #1 overall pick (shakes fist "Garrrrrryyyyyy!"), Bill seems determined to give it another shot this year. No quarterback this week, Shonn Greene, Josh Gordon...this team is truly awful.

So Abba will get a leg up in the race up for a playoff bye because of who they're playing this week. Doesn't even matter whether Darren Sproles plays this week or not.

THE PICK: ABBADABBA'S 83 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 44

Monday, November 12, 2012

AFFL Week 10 Review

Not an amazing week for the picks. 3-3? Just .500? By my own lofty standards, average is very poor indeed. But still, are your picks 38-22 on the season? I submit that they are not. Your picks are 0-0, 'cause you're a stone cold bitch, afraid to pull out your dick in traffic and say, "Here is my dick and I stand by it!"


ISIS 94.8 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 69.3
Three times this season I've thought, "Well, this team just doesn't have it. Let's just lose the rest and get a nice draft pick." And all three times I've put up big points in the next game. If you're gonna be bad, just be bad all the way, goddammit!

Bad all the way like Tim, who got 27 points from Flacco (never again), 12 from the defense, and 8 or less from everybody else.


OUT FOR REVENGE 113.3 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 95
Since nobody outside of the direct regional markets watched Denver-Carolina, you probably didn't realize that the Denver defense put up 29 points. But it's true! Carson Palmer somehow put up 17 points when his team lost by 35, and Andre Brown had 2 rushing TDs even though the Giants lost 31-13.

On the other side, AP continues to dominate, which is somewhat unfortunate for Scott. Scott isn't going to win the title this year, but the better AP does, the higher the 2013 pick owed on him gets. As it stands, AP is currently worth 2 first round picks. Two first rounders, just to make the playoffs and lose. 

Also, Scott became the first owner to dip into the college ranks this year, picking up Wisconsin's Montee Ball. Ball will no doubt join the long list of Big Ten running backs that have dominated the NFL. Guys like Rashard Mendenhall, Shonn Greene, Ron Dayne, Laurence Maroney, Marion Barber, Curtis Enis, Chris Perry, Mike Hart, Beanie Wells, Maurice Clarett, Darnell Autry, Ki-Jana Carter, Evan Royster, Robert Holcombe, Tyrone Wheatley, Anthony Davis, and Tony Hunt.


ANIMAL HOUSE 72.4 - ABBADABBA'S 63.7
After I posted the Preview this week, some anonymous commentor (name probably rhymes with Ryan Parker) wrote "your upset alert is a joke, at least the point totals anyways..."

That person is right. I said Animal House would win 67-63, but in fact, the final score was 72.4 - 63.7. I was WAY off. Just kidding, I'm a fucking genius. (NOTE: I realize my other predicted point totals were way off this week, but this is the one I caught flak for, so it's all I care about. I'm a like a TV pundit picking out one juicy example to explain why we should defund Medicare.)

What else am I right about? Without huge games from RGIII and Chicago every week, Abbadabba's has no chance at any real damage this season. Though I wonder if McCoy's stats can somehow get more disappointing with Nick Foles at QB.

Dwayne Bowe dropped at least 4 more points worth of receptions.


MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 103.2 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 85.1
The three teams that were 7-2 or better all lost this week, with Bri Williams and Scott getting totally destroyed. Calvin Johnson finally came to life with 207 yards and a TD, Felix Jones had 15 points, Michael Crabtree had 13, and Jake Goddamn Locker had 15 as Tennessee trounced Miami, right as everybody was starting to say, "Hey, Miami is pretty good, folks." This league, man. (Referring to both the NFL and AFFL)

Bri got 20 from Lynch and 17 from Foster and somehow still got crushed, which can't be a great confidence booster. Bri can deny it all he wants, but I wouldn't be surprised to see Cam available in the 2013 draft. If Bri keeps him, it's like holding onto real estate in Somalia just because it's beachfront.

Here's something interesting. Miami gave up 37 points, but only 299 total yards, so they still scored 1 fantasy point.


MOTHER OF DRAGONS 77.7 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 47.4
Annnnnnd...Gary stays in the playoff hunt, even though 3 of the teams that lost this week would've beaten him handily. Funny how that works sometimes. Newly-acquired Eric Decker only posted 1.5 points.

Speaking of that trade, the feedback on it that Gary requested came through loud and clear (2 comments). "Darren McFadden is awful." and "nobody cares about the five man trade with a bunch of crappy players..."

You ask this league for comments, that's what you get. I feel like I work for Frito-Lay and we're focus grouping a new chip flavor.
"So, how do you like our new Bold n' Spizy Southwestern Egg Roll Ruffles?"
"Yeah, they're good."
"Good? That's it?"
"Yeah, good."
"Okay, so you say they're good. What about you, ma'am?"
"Oh, I don't know. They're too spicy for me. I wouldn't eat them."
"I see. Should we change anything?"
"Oh no, I wouldn't eat them. Too spicy."
"What if they weren't so spicy?"
"Oh, I can't picture that."

You are all entirely useless.

Larry is also still officially in the playoff hunt, even though he couldn't crack 50. Even though I'm 4-6 a and outscoring him by 100. Eli has 7 points the last two weeks. What did I say Green-Ellis would have? About 3? I'm sorry, he had 5.8 And his team won in a rout! This league is such a joke. I feel like Mario Lemieux in 1994. I'm so much better than this and I'm just being wasted.


CHEST ROCKWELL 111.5 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 81.4
So, as it turns out, The Knight actually still could sub in players who were actually playing, and he put in Andrew Hawkins and Shonn Greene. Who combined for 13 points. Fred Jackson put up 22 before leaving with a skull fracture or something.

Chest got 26 points from Jimmy Graham and 24 from Tony Gonzalez, which has to be the highest-scoring 2 TE set in league history by at least 20 points.


This Chest team could not possibly be more set up to win a Wild Card game and then lose by 30 in the second round. Start figuring out who's going to be available with the 8th overall pick now.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

WVFL Week 10 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2
SEASON: 37-17


I was extremely busy this week with actual work and gleeful reading of right wing blogs and news. Reading and seeing their stunned reactions (like the ones here) as reality forcefully ripped apart their bubble where Benghazi was a scandal and the emergency room is the place for preventative medicine. Oh man, just the best.


THE NEV-R-WINS (9-0) vs ZOLTAN'S ZEROS (5-4)
The undefeated dream becomes ever nearer, and you should heed my claims of retirement if I finish this season 15-0.

But since I'm totally taking this one game at a time, let's discuss this week. I will win this week.

THE NEV-R-WINS 115 - ZOLTAN'S ZEROS 81


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (3-6) vs. PURPLE SWIRLS (4-5)
Yahoo has dubbed this RIVALRY WEEK, but I'm not entirely sure what that is based on. Yeah, this game here is brother v. brother, but I don't think Yahoo knows that and why would it affect the whole league? And shouldn't Rivalry Week involve divisional matchups?

Caulen's starting lineup this week has Cecil Shorts and Taiwan Jones, which is so very, very Caulen. Can't argue with those 16 points from Shorts on Thursday night, though.

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 93 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 89


HACKS (4-5) vs. WHIZ-BANG GANG (5-4)
Trent Richardson is on a bye and the only option for replacing him is Daryl Richardson. Who's playing the Niners. So the Richardson might have the same point total this week. Plus, Justin Blackmon already played and farted out a worthless 2.5 point game.

So, you know, this won't be very close.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 95 - HACKS 70


ATLAS SHRUGGZ (3-6) vs. DEATHFROMABOVE (2-7)
Who cares?

THE PICK: ATLAS SHRUGGZ 75 - DEATHFROMABOVE 66


IRON CITY POUNDERS (4-5) vs. LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (4-5)
The winner of this game stays in the playoff hunt and could actually be in the 6th seed. What a league this is.

THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 101 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 88


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (5-4) vs. FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-4)
If the Crusaders lose this game, they'll be 5-5 while still be leading the Weegie Thompson Division. But it's possible that they could only have the league's 6th overall seed. Again, what a league this is.

That said, it's going be pretty hard to lose with a 25-point lead built on the strength of a 20-point effort from the Colts DST.

THAT said, the Crusaders are actually going to manage to lose.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 119 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 103

AFFL Week 10 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2
SEASON: 35-19

Gary semi-complained to me yesterday, "I can’t believe no one made a single comment about our trade – how often do you see a 5 player, 2 draft pick trade that helps both sides?"
"I still can’t figure out if I got screwed or not."

So I guess Gary wants you all to chime in and determine whether he got screwed or not.


ISIS (3-6) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS (3-6)
All I know is, I go into 2013 with AJ Green, Darren McFadden, two first round picks, and five picks in the first three rounds. As for this week, I already have a Rashad Jennings flop on the board, but whatever. The more losses the better at this point. Non-tanking losses, of course. Losses with tons of integrity involved.

Timmy is starting Tannehill over Flacco, and I can't decide if that's an endorsement of Tannehill or an indictment of Flacco. Maybe both? Somebody should let Tim know that the Oakland pass defense is atrocious and they're playing the early East Coast game, which never works out well for West Coast teams. Also, Michael Turner is two TDs minimum this week against both the Saints and all the bad shade I gave him this season.

THE PICK: SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 80 - ISIS 66


OUT FOR REVENGE (3-6) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (7-2)
Scott tried to get involved in DeckerQuest 2012, but couldn't swing it because of cap room and also roster space. Who would he sit each week when the byes ended? Too many good players, that's your problem, son. AP is going to be force-fed against Detroit with Harvin out, and Welker always kills Buffalo.

OFR is starting Carson Palmer after his 36-point outburst last week, the perfect cover for a tank job. Animal House didn't start a QB last week, but that gave off a fish smell that everyone detected. Starting an up-and-down QB the week after his best game in 5 years? Now that's some crafty tanking!

THE PICK: TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 81 - OUT FOR REVENGE 71


ANIMAL HOUSE (4-5) vs. ABBADABBA'S (7-2)
Hey! Animal House has a quarterback again this week! Nice! A nice, plump, full roster for them. But even though every spot is filled, they will not get full scoring. Ryan Mathews and Jamaal Charles are going nowhere this week. Nowhere!

This Abbadabba's record has been falsely inflated by the Bears defense and RGIII all season long. One them is on a bye this week, so...

UPSET ALERT!

THE PICK: ANIMAL HOUSE 67 - ABBADABBA'S 63


MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD (4-5) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (8-1)
Like how the Packers themselves have no real backup for Aaron Rodgers (I think it's...uh...hold on, Googling...GRAHAM HARRELL!), MRN is turning to Jake Locker. This is Locker's first game back from injury, he's facing a good Miami defense, and he was terrible before the injury. Any number from Locker without a minus in front of it should be considered a win.

So, I mean, should I even bother talking about Felix Jones or Bri's players? Probably not; let's just move on.

THE PICK: THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 101 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 55


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (5-4) vs. MOTHER OF DRAGONS (4-5)
Why is Gary 1 game under .500? He has the 4th most points in the league, a middle of the pack points against, and a lot of stars thanks to rigging the #1 overall pick. What is he doing wrong? Well, for starters, he blew 2 different games with bad roster management, and...I guess that's about it, really. He could and should be 6-3.

But he'll at least be 5-5 after this week, thanks to the bonus 16 points from Cecil Shorts. The same Cecil Shorts Gary actually TRIED TO TRADE TO LARRY this week. Man, I wish that trade went through before the 16-pointer. Woulda been so epic.

And since Gary was targeting BJGE, look for about 3 points from him.

THE PICK: MOTHER OF DRAGONS 99 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 60


THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (2-7) vs. CHEST ROCKWELL (4-5)
So...The Knight has two bye week players in his starting lineup, and a full bench of options to replace them. The Sunday games haven't started yet, so I don't think it's a concern EXCEPT...the Yet To Play and Player Minutes Remaining counters on the scoreboard show 6 and 360, respectively. Is it possible that you can make substitutions after the Thursday game, but bye week players are considered locked?

If that's the case, and The Knight can't sub in two guys tonight or tomorrow, that's a pretty blatant tank attempt. My recommended penalty is -10 lottery balls. I'm not sure how many lottery balls he'd even get, but -10 seems fair. If that means he has -3, so be it.

And if those bye weeks are indeed locked, Chest will definitely win to go to 5-5, the worst possible spot. Not good enough to make a deep run, too good to ensure a high draft pick. Right in the creamy middle. Although in this case, the creaminess is bitter, not sweet.

THE PICK: CHEST ROCKWELL 72 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 45 (+ -10 LOTTERY BALLS)

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

AFFL Week 9 Review

ABBADABBA'S 89.3 - ISIS 70.3
This is going to sound a bit like bragging about my super-hot Canadian girlfriend that you guys have never met but is totally a real person, but...in my other league, I'm currently 9-0 and already clinched a playoff spot. What does that have to do with this league? Well, the answer is...fuck you, I don't need you.

Other people I don't need are every player on my roster except AJ Green. You want to give up a good draft pick for Eric Decker, DeMarco or Stafford? Or a medium one for Dez? I'm your guy.

LeSean McCoy had 100 yards rushing in the first half. So Andy, being eternally Andy, started running more 0-back shotgun sets behind a terrible offensive line. Yes, it was 21-3, but it was also the first half and McCoy was picking up passing play-grade chunks. Andy Reid is a goddamn idiot, and his terrible coaching was only protected by years of quality rosters. Please do notice that within the past 2-3 years, Andy has taken control of the franchise, making bad personnel decisions, hiring Juan Castillo, changing the defense and generally being terrible. When he comes back to coaching in 2014, signing one of those coach/GM dictator deals in San Diego or whatever, that team is definitely going 22-42 over 4 years.

Fucking Bears defense, man. Gonna be cool when Abba's get crushed in the playoffs because they didn't get a DST.


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 88.8 - ANIMAL HOUSE 71.1
On Friday, I mentioned that Larry's fraud tour would continue and sure enough, he's currently 5-4 and in the playoffs. However, I never would've guessed the fraud would be perpetrated by Doug Martin, who scored  58% of the Rippers' total points this week. That is a totally sustainable model!

Animal House did not, in fact, pick up a fill-in QB this week. That soft sigh you just heard is the sound of giving up. They also benched Isaac Redman, which - hey, hindsight is 20/20 - was a really terrible decision.


OUT FOR REVENGE 85.6 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 80.7
At this point, The Knight probably doesn't even want to win in order to increase his lottery chances, but if HE STARTED JUSTIN BLACKMON OVER JOSH GORDON LIKE I KEEP RECOMMENDING he would've won this week. Again, I can only run one team at a time here, folks. You have to meet me halfway.

It's like how I voted today (https://twitter.com/Krogs140/status/265867019277185024) and because I live in California, one of the ballot measures was whether or not porn performers should be required to wear condoms on screen. (Assuming male-only condoms, female condom not mentioned.) I voted no, not just because bareback is thrilling, but also because I cannot protect you from your own bad decisions.

I really have to take back all the bad things I said about Trent Richardson in the Season Preview. Sure, he still could get a devastating knee injury, and I don't take back the bad things about OFR as a whole, but Trent is really pretty goddamn good.


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 115.9 - CHEST ROCKWELL 74.5
Bri sent me an email this morning complaining that I didn't help him out by beating Brian Barker, which is a real Romney thing to do. You're doing great, you got yours, you're in the league's 1%...what are you picking on the little guy for? Is it because you know Cam Newton sucks and has no future, much like fundamental GOP policy positions?

Anyway, Bri left 3 Mikel LeShoure TDs on the bench this week (like everybody else), and got -3 from his defense, so this one could've been a lot, lot worse.

Also in the Season Preview, I picked Chest to miss the playoffs. Barker quickly emailed to say that is not a thing that happens to him. But with a 4-5 record and no QB, it's an uphill battle. Hey, I heard Matt Stafford is available!


SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 85.1 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 76.9
Once again, I pick Timmy to win and he goes out and does it. I didn't realize I was so inspirational. We even had a Mike Wallace appearance this week!

MRN currently leads the Eastern Division (aka, the 2009 NFC West), but only 4 TDs from Aaron Rodgers kept this game from looking much, much worse. Whoever is going to get the Eastern champ matchup in the first round of the playoffs is effectively getting the third bye.


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 92.1 - MOTHER OF DRAGONS 86.2
Maybe AP was worth 2 first round picks, after all. Unless, of course, Scott loses in the playoffs, which he most certainly will do.

Gary would've won this week and taken control of the Eastern if he had only started his franchise player. That is all.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

WVFL Week 9 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2
SEASON: 33-15

I turned on the Mississippi State/Texas A&M game today, only to find that both teams were wearing "creative" adidas uniforms that were "extremely ugly." On top of that, MSU had painted #snowbowl12 in one endzone. I went online and learned that this (and the "special" uniforms) were to celebrate MSU's "famous" victory over A&M in the...INDEPENDENCE BOWL in, wait, I'm not done...2000!

So what is worse? Places like Libya and Pakistan where there are no jobs, so guys can sit in cafes all day and protest and turn to extremism, or America, where at least 65% of our economy is based on creating and selling utter bullshit? Marketing is the worst. Stay out of marketing, kids.


THE NEV-R-WINS (8-0) vs. HACKS (4-4)
The greatest threat to the undefeated dream is this week. Brady has bailed me out more than once this year and it'll be a real test without him. Relying on Carson Palmer seems like a sure path to stress, but the trade market was thin and a little pricy for my tastes. Also, Jacquizz Rodgers? AND Leonard Hankerson? It is not looking so good.

But please note that I also picked up the Tampa defense, so any Palmer turnovers are revenue-neutral.

Lucky for me, Ryan Mathews already disappointed for the week, so now I just need to hold off Trent Richardson, a 2 tight end set, and hope that Julio Jones continues his extensive decoy work.

Also, I'm pretty sure that I could clinch a playoff spot with a victory.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 91 - HACKS 89


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (3-5) vs. FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-3)
He can't beat me, but TK can always count on a game against his sons to make him healthy again. There's another bloodline angle in this one, Peyton vs. Eli.

I guess I could keep talking about this game, but I don't know. Seems kinda pointless.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 110 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 75


ZOLTAN'S ZEROS (5-3) vs. PURPLE SWIRLS (3-5)
The Swirls have 65 more points than the Zeros, yet are 2 games back of them. Possibly because the Swirls have an extra 116 points against. In fact, the Zero have the lowest PA in the league by 45 points. D up!

Because of that low PF, a loss could knock the Zeros from the division lead to 8th place, so this one is kind of important. Too bad byes and injuries forced them to start Dexter McCluster this week, and he only scored 1.4 points. Antonio Gates scored 10, and I doubt the Swirls will be trailing at all this week.

It is the Swirls, though, so you never know...

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 105 - ZOLTAN'S ZEROS 80


ATLAS SHRUGGZ (2-6) vs. LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (4-4)
I wonder if Web will pick up a kicker before game time. He's in the thick of the playoff chase, so I certainly hope so. Though it's possible he may not need to for this. Maybe this display of huge balls is a Movember thing or something.

Hacks have FIVE players on a bye this week, which has to be extremely hard to do.

THE PICK: LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 91 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 84


IRON CITY POUNDERS (4-4) vs. ST. A'S CRUSADERS (4-4)
When the Chargers scored that second-straight DST TD Thursday night, I wondered what fool was plumb lucky enough to have started them. I got my answer pretty quickly. On the week, these teams are already separated by 25, but on the season they have identical records and a mere 2 point difference. Quite the even matchup.

There's a team in my other league that is also starting both Calvin and Titus Young, Sr., and since I still smell a weird Jaguar upset, I don't like it.

I turned down an offer of McFadden and Andre Johnson for AP this week, so look for those guys to combine for 40 points in this one. Also, each team here has an Oakland WR in the lineup? That's as sure a sign as anything that there's too much fantasy football.

THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 105 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 90


DEATHFROMABOVE (1-7) vs. WHIZ-BANG GANG (5-3)
With 960 points on the season, Larry has a 73-point lead on the 2nd-most prolific team, Firerock. But the thing is, 50% of those points came in Weeks 4-6, when the WBG put up 178, 148, and 144. Take that stretch away, and they're under 100 a game. It's like Larry dunked a basketball and when we all asked him to do it again - out of sheer disbelief - he couldn't.

Eh. That metaphor is terrible. But you get the point.

All that, and I'm still picking him this week.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 109 - DEATHFROMABOVE 93

AFFL Week 9 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2
SEASON: 31-17

Let me get into a couple of things before we get to the picks. First off, we went out for tricks and treats Wednesday night like everybody else. Living in Los Angeles since '99, I've become accustomed to this place basically being an all-star game for attractive women. But goddamn, where there a lot of hot moms out there. It's not like we were in Brentwood or Newport Beach or some other trophy wife, storage town. We were in a totally average suburb. Here I am, trying to keep track of two kids and bumpy sidewalks in the dark, and I'm dealing with a steady stream of tight-jeaned distractions.

Second off, the AFFL trade market suddenly got hotter than Halloween hot moms. No, I am not referring to Gary trading an injured rookie and a mid-late draft pick for a guy who can't crack his starting lineup. Sure, James Jones technically achieved Gary's benchmark of "10 points a game average." But with Jones having 4 games with 14+ points, and 3 games with 7 or fewer (there's the problem with averages!),watching Gary try to manage those spot starts is going to be quite amusing.

The real needle mover was the McCoy/White deal. I hate this trade A LOT because it is pretty smart and really perfect for both teams and those teams are already good and I am petty. I don't know where Larry was on this one, although I know he wants to franchise Julio Jones. Maybe one super-skilled decoy franchise player is enough for him. I would've cut Andre Johnson to land McCoy, or Fitzgerald or Andrew Luck or most definitely Miles Austin. Mainly I would've been aggressive knowing that there's one team in the league that made perfect sense here. One team with a great record, the most points in the league, and an Illinois-sized hole at the FP spot.

Somebody should've sniffed out Abba's play here, stepped up and taken one for the teams. But nobody did and we're potentially facing a San Francisco/Dallas 1990s situation here. Our last best hope is that Houston runs Arian into the ground with 400 carries, all but guaranteeing a catastrophic 2013 injury.

On to the games...


ISIS (3-5) vs. ABBADABBA'S (6-2)
That said, it's not entirely unrealistic that Abba's drops to 6-3 after this matchup. Sure, I'd have to score a metric shit ton of points, but I have the matchups to make it possible. I just need the Det/Jac and Den/Cin games to be shootouts and not 13-10 nap excuses. Come on, points!

On the other side, Andy will continue to limit McCoy because he's Andy, Houston's giant lead will limit Spiller's chances, and Anquan Boldin is an old man even though he's 29 or something. I just need to avoid Chicago Bear defensive TDs.

THE PICK: ISIS 105 - ABBADABBA'S 103


ANIMAL HOUSE (4-4) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (4-4)
If you just glance at the scoreboard, you see Animal House up 20.7-0 and think they're on their way to a blowout. But when you see that it actually required 3 players to combine for those 20 points, and then you see that Animal House has no quarterback this week, maybe things aren't quite so rosy.

Speaking of which, are we finally, FINALLY done thinking Ryan Mathews is good? He has no vision, he goes down extremely easily on contact and his only good run last night (about 30 yards) came after Mathews buried his head, ran into a defender but somehow that guy had him but fell down without tackling, and then Mathews bounced wide left. He is not good, okay? Can we please be done with this?

Speaking of not good, it looks like Larry's fraud tour will continue. He's going to struggle to crack 70 and will still move to 5-4. Must. Be. Nice.

THE PICK: THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 69 - ANIMAL HOUSE 48


THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI (2-6) vs. OUT FOR REVENGE (2-6)
Now that Foster won't be hitting the draft next year, what are these two teams even playing for? Pride? That's long gone with these two shit shows. And The Knight is STILL not playing Justin Blackmon! Put him in the goddamn lineup already! Detroit is terrible and Jacksonville is ripe for a home dog upset! You really want to play LaRod Stephens-Howling and Josh Gordon THAT badly?!

You know...this Revenge team is not that bad on paper. Or at least in name recognition. This game is not going to be very close.

THE PICK: OUT FOR REVENGE 91 - THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI 65


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (7-1) vs. CHEST ROCKWELL (4-4)
Chest has Vick, Tebow and Nick Foles as quarterbacks, easily giving him the league lead in talk radio mentions. For the Kangaroo quarterback (KQB), Bri has expressed confidence in keeping Cam long term, and yet is not starting him against a pretty terrible Redskin pass defense. It's an action louder than words type deal right there. I would definitely be starting Cam, especially because as a home dog coming off a bye, Cincy is ripe for the upset special this week.

But it probably won't matter which QB Bri actually starts, since he has an advantage at every other position this week.

THE PICK: THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 107 -  CHEST ROCKWELL 88


MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD (4-4) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER (2-6)
MRN, a team that currently leads their division and is ostensibly fighting for a playoff spot, is starting Felix Jones, Kendall Wright, and Andre Roberts this week. He's also starting both Lions wide receivers. And of course, Aaron Rodgers. So the entirety of his lineup can be broken up thusly:

3 - Guys who are not that good and are facing good defenses in games their teams will most likely lose
2 - Receivers from a totally overrated team that is ripe for a road upset in Jacksonville
1 - Great quarterbacks who could be limited by the great pass defense they face this week
0 - Chances of winning

So there you go, Tim! I'm picking your third win of the year.

THE PICK: SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER 79 - MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD 55


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (6-2) vs. MOTHER OF DRAGONS (4-4)
Two defensive TDs helped the Chargers avoid an upset on Thursday night (wow, is Matt Cassel bad), and they might help Gary pull off his own upset this week. James Jones, as mentioned above, is not cracking the lineup, but you can't put a price on his moral support. (FYI, James Jones will score 13 points on Gary's bench this week for sure)

McFadden will be limited by a tough Tampa run defense, and Harvin could struggle against Seattle, but Rice and Ryan should be able to make up the difference.

Morris and Bush will be nice for Scott, but no kicker and two DST TDS against is just too much for one man to make up. It's just too much!

THE PICK: MOTHER OF DRAGONS 93 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 85