Sunday, December 23, 2012

AFFL Super Bowl Review

SEASON: 59-30
PLAYOFFS: 5-0


MOTHER OF DRAGONS 125.4 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 52.5
As we all knew, this was Gary's season, and he put an exclamation point on it with the 4th-highest score of the entire season. His huge bulge is probably a relief to Brian, Brian, and Scott, who can rest easy knowing that even if they made it to the title game, nobody was stopping Gary. That doesn't excuse Larry, of course, who would've lost to even Tim this week, but still.

Side note: My bonus prediction on Abba fell short, though he did have the 2nd-highest score this week. I can't even imagine the crazy irony if he lost in the title game because he should've started Romo over Griffin. Oh man.

ANYWAY! Ryan went off, Rice went off, Gary got 33 DST/K points, trading for Decker worked out, and even Jason Hanson contributed.

As for Larry, what can you really say when a team loses the title game by 70 points? He goes to bed tonight knowing he got destroyed in the AFFL, but he would've beaten me 144-138 in our other league if only he hadn't lost last week. Fantasy football is great.

Gary will go into 2013 with the core of Ryan, Luck, Murray, and Decker intact, and I'll assume he'll figure out a way to keep Ray Rice. Everybody told me Gary was a perennial also-ran in this league, but he's totally set up to be another Brian Williams here. That is, the defending champ who takes a nice team into the next season and loses in the playoffs.


NOW! Since 'tis the season - and also because this game didn't give us very much to talk about - let's see what Christmas wish(es) each AFFL team might have. Who knows? Santa just might get you something you want this year!
 
ABBADABBA'S
  • An adamantium exoskeleton for Robert Griffin III.
  • Norv Turner hired as offensive coordinator in Philadelphia so LeSean McCoy can rack up 2400 all-purpose yards.
  • My ability to predict fantasy football games. 59-30!

ANIMAL HOUSE
  • Ahmad Bradshaw shipped out of town so David Wilson can be the #1 guy. 


CHEST ROCKWELL
  • A quarterback in Arizona OR the moxie to cut Fitzgerald as a franchise player
  • Nobody to remember he traded Calvin Johnson the year he broke the record for most receiving yards in a season.

ISIS
  • A less itchy trading finger 

THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI
  • For everybody to just calm the fuck down and to stop worrying about his starting lineup.
  • That's it. What is wrong with you people?
  • The courage to start Justin Blackmon one week.

MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD
  • The 2013 season to start as soon as possible, because he has Aaron Rodgers, Calvin Johnson, and Rob Gronkowski.
  • Ergo, a #1 running back to go with the #1 everything else. 

MOTHER OF DRAGONS
  • A high first round draft pick.

OUT FOR REVENGE
  • Cleveland to get the 15 other pieces they need so Trent Richardson can be really good.
  • Matt Schaub to quit being completely fucking terrible in big games.
  • Nobody to notice he has Ryan Williams on a 2-year contract.

SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS
  • A Tera Patrick Real Doll. There is nothing in the fantasy football realm that can help his team, so he might as well be happy during Tim Time.

THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL
  • Cam learning how to pass.
  • Arian Foster avoiding the catastrophic knee injury he seems overdue for.

TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS
  • Adrian Peterson to have a second straight freak of nature season.
  • New glasses.
  • Mike Shanahan not benching Alfred Morris next summer for no reason whatsoever.

THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS
  • A clean way out of this Maurice Jones-Drew situation.
  • The good memories of 2012 to last all the way through the shitty times of 2013. 




 

Friday, December 21, 2012

WVFL Super Bowl Preview

LAST WEEK: 1-1
SEASON: 56-26 (PLAYOFFS: 1-3)


THE NEV-R-WINS vs. LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS
You have to take your hat off to Jeff Webster. Since I cajoled him into rejoining the WVFL, his return has been anything but triumphant; he's finished dead last two years in a row. Things were so dire that he actually marked a kicker as one of his keepers. The league's first-ever kickper! Keepker! Whatever!

But he burst out of the gate this season with a 2-0 record. Then he dropped to 2-3. Then he went up to 4-3. Then he dropped to 4-7. It looked like the year was over. Fortunately, he played in the Weegie Thompson Division, and was able to close the season by beating three division foes with a combined 14-25 record while Caulen seethed his way to the bottom of the Bam Morris Division. Web was 7-6. Caulen, with 70 more points scored, was 6-7.

But then! Web scored 129 and 113 points in the playoffs, knocking out the #3 and #2 seed, respectively. He now has 5 wins in a row. If he can win the title game, he'll have as many playoff wins in 2012 as he had in the 2011 regular season.

Too bad he has no chance whatsoever of winning the title game.

Yeah, I know it would be poetic justice for me to fall on my face here. All the trash that I have talked for so long, Web going from double worst to first, all that sort of stuff. But I have three #1 running backs, including a guy who might be partially cyborg. And I have Peyton Manning facing Cleveland, and I have enough receiver help to get it done because one of those starters will certainly go off.

Cam has great lately, but as shitty as the WVFL is, a title team can't be starting Jacquizz Rodgers, BenJarvus Green-Ellis, and Kendall Wright. These are just facts. I have already spent the $250 purse I'm going to get for winning the 2012 WVFL title. Thank you for your individual contribution to the Krog Fund.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 125 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 91

AFFL Super Bowl Preview

LAST WEEK: 2-0SEASON: 58-30 (PLAYOFFS 4-0)

It seems traditional to start off with a look back at the trials and tribulations, peaks and valleys, left and rights of this 2012 season. But fuck it. We were all here, we all know what happened. So let's just skip the expository dialogue from a bad movie and get right into the good stuff.


MOTHER OF DRAGONS vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS
Larry badly wants to win this one. Not just for the money, but also to "Stick it up the ass of every Barker on the planet, whether they're in this league or not." Direct quote. I don't know what the Barkers have to do with the title game exactly, but whatever he needs to get his team fired up, I suppose.

Gary started off the season by finagling the #1 pick, and now he's going to be the last man standing. Every guy he has in the lineup is a plus points start this week. He doesn't even need James Jones against the lowly Titans.

And let's not overlook the most exciting aspect of this title matchup, my pick. Could my picks possibly go 5-0 through the playoffs? Reach 59-30 on the season, 29 games over .500? Isn't that really more impressive than winning a fantasy football league with a bunch of good players? Shoot, anybody can do that. Nobody is going 59-30 with fantasy football picks! That's some real hot stuff right there!

THE PICK: MOTHER OF DRAGONS 107 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 75

FUN BONUS PREDICTION: Abbadabba's scores 110 points, the league high for the week.

Monday, December 17, 2012

AFFL Conference Championship Review

Before we start, a note about Scott Albert, who hilariously had a monster day the week after he was eliminated from the playoffs. Brees scored 27, Peterson had 27, Morris had 21, and even the Texans defense had 14 as Scott racked up 123 totally pointless points, the best and most useless total of the week.

Great work, Scotty!


MOTHER OF DRAGONS 83.8 - ABBADABBA'S 75.6
Although it's kind of foolish to look at fantasy football game like it's an actual game with a chronological order since every play during the entire day is a factor, one could argue that this matchup came down to a single series in the Cowboys game. Down 24-17, Dallas tried to pass on 1st and 2nd and goal, with both balls being knocked away. On 3rd and goal, DeMarco Murray ran it in. Take 6 points away from Gary and add 4 to Brian for a Romo TD pass, and you have a totally different result.

That one series was just another step on Gary's 2012 Path of Destiny. Getting only 4 points from Ray Rice (so...Jim Caldwell ISN'T the solution?!?!?) and still winning, leaving 24 points from James Jones on the bench and still winning, somehow getting 10 points from Cecil Shorts when Jacksonville got mauled 24-3, these are other steps. And don't forget the 35 points he got from former ISISers, DeMarco Murray and Erick Decker.

(At this point, I admit that a team of Dalton, AP, Murray, Dez, Marshall and Decker would be romping through the playoffs right now. Good times.)

Although I mentioned weeks ago that it would be hilarious when Brian got crushed in the playoffs because the Bears didn't score a defensive TD, he mainly lost because he had unbelievably bad injury luck. Romo was good, but Griffin clearly would've ripped up the Browns, and McCoy is hurt, and Cruz got hurt early on in Sunday's game, and Joe Flacco sucks so bad that Boldin might as well have been hurt. Just such bad luck. Which is also hilarious. But he handled it with grace and dignity, which is more than I'm doing right now.


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 105.4 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 81.1
If you're wondering (and I know you're not), Larry got crunched in our other league, so he really needed this win. Nothing like getting 40 points from your kicker and defense when you really need them. Who said starting a kicker and defense isn't important?! In fact, Larry got 40 points from Graham and Arizona, and less than 5 from Eli and Doug Martin.

Traded away before the season, Matthew Stafford still found a way to kill Bri this week by throwing 3 picks, 2 of which were returned for touchdowns. Though Bri is not surprised by this lost, as his fateful emails to me all season indicated that he had no real faith in his team. Cam was fine (I was wrong on him there), Foster was decent, Lynch was nice, but it just wasn't enough when it mattered. It didn't help that Bri had no kicker since Gould went on IR after the early roster freeze. That roster freeze, it's like if Christmas shopping was outlawed after December 2nd. It's so early!

So...I don't know. Bri said all along that his team wasn't good enough to go all the way this year, and I guess he was right. Nothing from White, nothing from Gould, some super crazy good luck on the other side and that, as they say, is that.

Friday, December 14, 2012

WVFL Conference Championship Preview

LAST WEEK: 0-2
SEASON: 55-25 (PLAYOFFS: 0-2)


THE NEV-R-WINS vs. FIREROCK ROCKERS
Despite having the best record in the league by 4 full games, I have a few major concerns right now:

1) My team scored 162 points on the bye this week. I probably am not going to follow that up with another 130.

2) The WVFL does not reseed and I don't get to play the #6 seed Lowcountry All Stars following their upset. The league was set up that way and that's fine, but it just feels like a bad sign. Seventh son of the seventh son kinda bad sign.

3) Thanks to Maclin's fumble last night, I am trailing my opponent, who has only used his tight end thus far.

On the other hand, I have three #1 running backs and two superstud receivers, so I should be fine. The receivers in this matchup are about even, the Manning Bowl matchup is even, the two starting running back might also be even if CJ Spiller goes off in Toronto. But the flex position in this game has Adrian Peterson on one side and Bilal Powell on the other. What else do you need to know?

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 119 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 101


LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS vs. WHIZ-BANG GANG
Larry is also in the Conference Championship in the other league we're in. As I mentioned in that preview, he's facing Cam in both games, owns Roddy White here and faces him there, and faces Green-Ellis here and owns him there. Speaking of that other league, I started doing the Preview/Review treatment over there, and MAN has it thrown that league into a tizzy. Even though my picks for the season are like 56-30, some people are not getting or appreciating the whole fake expert thing. Especially since I missed the playoffs and traded away a bunch of good players for a rebuild. It's really been something to see.

Webster has finished dead last in the WVFL the last two years, but now sits just one game away from a shot at the title. BJGE got him out to a great start, but some of these other iffy starters (Looking at you, Malcom Floyd, Jacquizz Rodgers and Matt Forte!) are really going to have to step up. Going back to the regular season, Lowcountry is now on a 4-game winning streak. Since I can't see him getting another 41 points from the Seattle defense, it's going to turn into a 1-game losing streak.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 98 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 91

AFFL Conference Championship Preview

LAST WEEK: 2-0
SEASON: 56-30 (PLAYOFFS: 2-0)

On the advice of my legal team, I am including a prescription drug ad-style disclaimer at the beginning of this preview.

WARNING: Reading AFFL previews may cause anxiety, anger, temporary rage issues, flash blindness, uncontrollable erections, chest pains, drop foot, club foot, athlete's foot, acute paranoia, walking pneumonia, saddle sores, nausea, and chronic fatigue syndrome. If you experience any of these symptoms, please consult your physician.


MOTHER OF DRAGONS vs. ABBADABBA'S
Speaking of doctors, how is Robert Griffin's knee again? Just a sprain, you say? As of this moment, Griffin is listed as a game-time decision. Griffin plays the early and Romo plays the late game. So while Brian Barker is eating his traditional Sunday lunch of a BLT with mustard (no mayo), he will be watching all of the chortling pregame shows with rapt attention. Can he play Griffin? Or will he have to resort to Tony Ohno against the league's #1 defense?

Gary loses Ahmad Bradshaw, but regains Cecil Shorts, which is about a break even. He's also going with Matt Ryan over Andrew Luck, even though the Houston secondary has been shredded in two high-profile games this season.

Although I'm going to get a metric shit ton of emails about it if I'm wrong here, and although I have picked against him all season with little success...this is Gary's season. I've heard a little bit about his backstory and how he never wins, but between the three good players I've traded to him (including the #1 kicker!), and the way he rigged this year's draft, ain't no stoppin' him now! He's on the move!

If only Barker had captured the #1 seed, this would all be different. Somehow.  

THE PICK: MOTHER OF DRAGONS 94 - ABBADABBA'S 78


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL
Cam alert! Between superstar amazeback Marshawn Lynch facing Buffalo for the first time (but in Toronto), and Arian Foster shredding up Indy's defense as usual, and Hall of Fame receiver Brandon Marshall going wild against Green Bay, Bri is going to score a ton of points this week. More than enough to offset Cam's floppy game in San Diego.

Larry is also in the Conference Championship in our other league. He's facing Cam in both games, he owns Roddy White there and is facing him here, and he owns Green-Ellis here and is facing him there. So you'll forgive him if he's utterly confused about what he wants to happen on Sunday. All he knows is that with Eli and Julio playing for him in the AFFL, he's hoping for a 49-42 game in the Dome.

This is definitely trying to have it both ways, but I'll say it anyway. I don't ENTIRELY believe that Bri will lose this game. I wouldn't be surprised if he wins. But because fantasy football is so hilarious, I'm picking him to lose by 7 points with benched Peyton outscoring starting Cam by 10.

THE PICK: THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 77 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 70

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

AFFL Wild Card Review

The Krog Blog Fantasy Football Preview n' Review Rhythm & Blues Revue debuted this season to great excitement initially. Then the energy, uniqueness and appreciation of it waned, eventually descending into outright hostility from some people that millenials and white trash would call "haterz."

Basically, this blog is Russell Brand without the accent.


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 84.9 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 84.8
Ohhhhhhhhh my GOODness. One. Tenth. Of a point. There are about a thousand things you can look at (and then laugh about or cry about) with a score like that. Larry's defense only having -1 points despite Arizona losing 58-0. Scott's defense only having 1 single point. The Pats dominating Houston so much that they never needed to pause for a Gostkowski field goal. Welker dropping at least 4 catchable passes. Drew Brees having -1 rushing yard. Or, as Bri pointed out, one more Patriot yard lost on a kneel down. Or, let's not forget, Houston scoring a TD late in garbage time, which allowed Shayne Graham to kick a meaningless extra point. Meaningless in the NFL game, that is. In the AFFL game, it was the final bullet in Scott's mangled corpse.

So it looks like having the #1 running back in the league didn't help Scott so much after all.

On the other side, Larry benched Nicks for Rice minutes before kickoff, and with Nicks outscoring Rice 12.7 - 3.5, we would've needed to put him on suicide watch for about two months if he had lost.


MOTHER OF DRAGONS 94.5 - ANIMAL HOUSE 90.2
I haven't been in the league for long, but something tells me it would've been incredibly fitting and appropriate if Gary lost this game because somebody on the other team recovered a a teammate's fumble in the end zone. But alas, Lloyd was in the bench in favor of Jermaine Gresham, and so it was not to be.

Also unfortunate is that Animal House jumped on David Wilson in the draft, signed him to a 3-year deal, then had to watch as Wilson was benched for most of the season. And then this week - out of nowhere and for no reason - Wilson just absolutely went off for 22 points. Naturally, Wilson was on the Animal House bench because...I mean, how would he not be? Great game from Jamaal Charles and Kenny Britt...just totally wasted.

Maybe we should just all prepare ourselves for it being Gary's year. After all, he benched Ryan in favor of Luck, leaving 10 extra points on the bench. Bradshaw only posted a 3.3, but that didn't hurt him. And in the craziest fluke bit of luck of all of them, Ben's barely forward pass was somehow ruled a lateral, then somehow not overturned by review. And that defensive touchdown for the Chargers, aka Gary's defense, was the winning margin in this matchup.

Oh, and now he gets to play Abbadabba's riiiiiiiight when Griffin might miss another game.


Saturday, December 8, 2012

WVFL Wild Card Preview

LAST WEEK: 3-3
SEASON: 55-23 (PLAYOFFS: 0-0)


Oh my God. The Swirls. What can even be said at this point? The 5th-most points in the league, but only the 7th-best record. Despite the fact that he had the 5th-fewest points against. Caulen finished at 6-7, 3-6 within his Bam Morris Division, 3-1 against the Weegie Thompson Division. Lowcountry made the playoffs at 7-6 because he was 7-2 within his Weegie Division. Being 0-4 against the superior Bam Division mattered none.

Caulen would've been the highest-scoring team in the Weegie. No Weegie team had better than a .500 record against Bam teams. The Pounders (a Bam team in the playoffs) were somehow 1-2 against the Weegie, but no other Bam team (including the lowly 4-9 Shruggz) were worse than 3-1 against Weegie teams. We're talking late '80s/early '90s NFC vs. AFC domination here.

In the final week of the regular season, Caulen went out and posted 106 points in a must-win situation. But the two teams directly ahead of them both won, so Caulen is once again on the outside looking in.

Amazing.


IRON CITY POUNDERS vs. FIREROCK ROCKERS
The Pounders are starting a guy named Chris Givens at WR in this game. Chris Givens plays for the St. Louis Rams, apparently. They are also starting Greg Little at W/R/T. They did not start Darrius Heyward-Bey, a guy who is actually good, on Thursday. DHB scored 14 points on the Pounders bench.

ON THE OTHER HAND...the Rockers are starting Reggie Bush on the road against the Niners. I think every Niner defender is actually faster than Reggie Bush, including the defensive linemen. So don't look for much there. The Rockers are also starting Mike Wallace, who said this week he's dropping so many balls because he's losing focus during games. And they're starting Alex Green, who really will not get many carries.

Pretty sure the Swirls could beat both of these teams this week. Ah well.

THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 97 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 91


ST. A'S CRUSADERS vs. LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS
With these two playing each other, it's a certainty that only one Weegie team can make the final four.

Yahoo is predicting 22 points for Cam against Atlanta this week, and I have absolutely no idea where they'd be getting that from. Are they expecting rushing touchdowns in a Carolina upset? Or a lot of passes because Carolina will be trailing Atlanta? Because, dirty little secret, Cam actually gets worse the more he throws.

The Crusaders have the advantage at every position - including Flex - so how much more time should we spend on this game? Webster is going to be fly fishing and digging up clams instead of watching football on Sunday anyway.

THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 111 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 85


AFFL Wild Card Preview

LAST WEEK: 5-1
SEASON: 54-30 (PLAYOFFS: 0-0)

I might argue that, in a way, going 24 games over .500 with the weekly picks is a more interesting and impressive feat than winning the AFFL title. Technically, the league champ only has to win the last game if you think about it. Do I think I should get some sort of monetary reward for these outstanding picks? Yes. Am I saying this because my team missed the actual playoffs and I need something to be excited about? Who can say? Do I hate people asking themselves questions as a rhetorical device? Oh, that's just the worst.

We (the Royal we) won't be analyzing the Loser League game here because, really, who cares?


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS
Between Hernandez and Shayne Graham on one side, and Welker, Gostkowski and the Houston D on the other, you Easters are going to have to stay up late Monday to see who wins this one.

On paper, it might look like Scott is favored here, but Brees should struggle outdoors in the cold against the Giants D, Forte will be limited by playcalling and a Minnesota upset, and Jennings will need a game or two to get back into the flow. On the other hand, Doug Martin could have 22 points against Philly's (Way Too) Wide (To Stop The Run) 9 defense. And Eli will go wild on that terrible Saints defense, while Julio is guaranteed to score a TD on Carolina.

I guess this technically an upset because Scott had 1 more win and 100 more points than Larry this season, but just as a reminder, in the playoffs...YOU THROW OUT THE RECORDS! EVERYBODY IS 0-0, MEN!

THE PICK: THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 91 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 79


ANIMAL HOUSE vs. MOTHER OF DRAGONS
Gary is putting his playoff fate in the hands of franchise player Andrew Luck this week. But the most curious roster move in this matchup is Animal House starting Jermaine Gresham over Ryan Mathews, Brandon Lloyd, or Malcolm Floyd. It's not like those 3 are all that amazing, but they have to give you better odds than the 8th best tight end, right? Why aren't The Fabulous Barker Boys emailing the entire league about this lineup decision. Is it because Bill "Email Of The Year" Knight has shut down such conversations permanently? Jesus fuck, do I hope so.

Whatever. It's not going to matter anyway.

THE PICK: MOTHER OF DRAGONS 97 - ANIMAL HOUSE 70