Tuesday, October 21, 2014

AFFL Week 7 Review

WEEK 7 PICKS: 4-2
SEASON: 22-21


FOLKS, let's get old fashioned with it. Let's return to a simpler time, when people wrote Thank You notes and didn't look down at their phones immediately after inquiring, "How are you?"

Let's return to the beauty of the written word in a medium where we have to time to think, to savor, to relish. To really ponder what all of this mean.

Plus, the podcast is just taking up too much damn time, and believe me, none of you are worth it.


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 71.7 - ISIS 63.9

Also, as the loser of the "Shut Your Mouth" match, I probably have to be quiet for a while.

The Bengals have scored -5, -1, and -2 points for me since I picked them up. If I had just kept the Bills, I would've won this game. If AJ Green and Calvin Johnson were in the lineup and not constantly hurt, I would've won this game. If I had played Joique Bell and resisted the lottery ticket appeal of Justin Hunter, I would've won this game. If Jay Cutler wasn't so bad that he incited a Brandon Marshall screamfest in the locker room after the game, Alshon Jeffrey could've had more than 9 yards and I would've won this game.

If, if, if.

But I lost. Again. And without enough points to make a convincing case that I deserved anything but a loss. And yet amazingly, or perhaps frustratingly, I am still in the thick of the playoff at 3-4.

As much as I'd like to point to Torrey Smith's garbage time touchdown as the 9.9 points that gave Scott a win he didn't deserve, that just balanced out starting Brandon Bolden over Kendall Wright, who caught another touchdown, but on Scott's bench.

Drew Brees even had a decent game with 18.3 points, although no, Brees is not the reason for this win. Scott would be the same 4-3 even without the trade. (America's Favorite Game Show has been replaced by the much less bombastic America's Favorite Statistical Oddity Observance)

And the decision to finally drop the Steelers defense paid off, as the shiny new Ravens defense posted a sporty 11 points for Scott.

So Scott gets the win this week, which is very satisfying I'm sure, and will be quite effective in all arguments about who more knows what he or she is doing until the season is over and I finish off higher than he does, which absolutely will happen.

I'm nothing if not constantly overly optimistic about my chances in anything, which is why I firmly believe I'll be the Democratic nominee for President in 2016. I just need, like, two breaks to go my way.


SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 82.3 - LOTHBROK 62.3

As has been pointed out, perhaps I can use my uncannily accurate prediction of how this game would evolve as a balm to soothe the stinging burn of defeat. And yeah, sure, it helps a little.

But then Tim pointed out that I almost ruined his week because he started Jordan Cameron. He said he always listens to me about starting Cameron. And this triggered a bit of an existential crisis because, as you see, Tim claimed he wanted to start Tre Mason instead.

Tre Mason, at Sunday sunrise, was the Rams' third running back. Facing what should be/used to be a great Seattle defense. Jordan Cameron was facing a terrible Jacksonville defense. Playing Cameron over Mason was absolutely the right play. But...Tim was right. I was wrong. Sure, I told him to play Michael Floyd, who had a touchdown and 10 points, but I also told him to sit Fitz. Instead, he play Fitz, sat Boldin, Boldin outscored Fitz 5 to 2, and none of this mattered a whit because Tim still won going away.

I am positive I have a good team. I knew Tim would win this game and how it would happen. And yet...he was right about playing Tre Mason, a decision that makes absolutely no sense. So maybe I don't know anything at all.

WHAT ARE WE ALL DOING HERE?!?!?

Hell, I didn't even talk about Gary's team yet, which has traded/cut both of his 1st round picks, has a 3-4 record, is still leading its division, and is Top 3 in Points For. Those four notes belong in two different paragraphs, one about a good team and one about a bad team. This is a really weird season.

For Lothbrok, Garcon and Patterson both scored touchdowns on the bench, and that is really going to screw with Gary's roster over the next two weeks, since he just made peace with benching both of them each week.


HGAC 114.2 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 60.3

HGAC has officially reached the point where they are too good during the regular season and are now guaranteed to not win the title. They are 96 points ahead of the 2nd-highest scoring team in the league. Their WORST performance in the last three weeks was 111 points. Their bench alone (72.5 pts) would've beaten half the league this week. The bench would've beaten Whitechapel this week. They scored 114 with Cecil Shorts posting 1.4 points in a Jacksonville WIN, so they could've posted 130 this week with Beckham or Ivory in the starting lineup. They have so much confidence right now that they are trading players to the team they are playing THAT DAY without a thought.

(Though it was odd for them to move Romo and Colston plus a first round pick in this deal, essentially undoing their trade with Asstanner from 3 weeks ago.)

My. Goodness.

It is going to be an absolute travesty when Brian Barker or perhaps some Albert beats them 74-71 in the conference championship round. HGAC will spend the summer muttering about Foster's and Murray's injuries ruining his season.

Big noise and drama from TWR on Sunday morning about who was actually in the starting lineup. It was a lot like a Timfest, except Larry's emails came in well before 1pm and were grammatically solid. But in the end, the only excitement TWR provided in this matchup came from the emails.

Romo had a great game with 19.8, showing that perhaps he hadn't realized he had been traded away from HGAC yet. Oliver, Cooks, and Julio did nothing, and Gio not only did nothing but was almost killed on a swing pass. He's lucky his helmet stayed inside the stadium on that hit. Hell, he's lucky his brain stayed inside his head.

TWR has now dropped 4 straight after opening the season with 3 straight wins. Sigmund rolls into town next week, which is either a chance to right the ship and get back to .500 or the final confirmation that this is a doomed season.


IT'S ALWAYS RUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA 92.6 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 42.7

Antonio Brown's 13.1 points last night made Bri's performance this week merely terrible as opposed to historically repulsive. Thanks, Tone!

The Kangaroo roster now has Fred Jackson, Rashad Jennings, and DeAngelo Williams all hurt, and Zac Stacy has been effectively benched. Meanwhile, I have more good RB1 options than I can literally get into the lineup. You would THINK we'd be able to work out a trade here. But maybe Bri is ready to just pack it in and enjoy a calm, relaxing season of nothingness, as opposed to watching his 10-4 team lose to Animal House in the playoffs. Smart!

I still think Runny is a complete fraud, but hey, if they can get 30 points from Wilson and 20 points from Bradshaw every single week, maybe I'm the one who's crazy. Or maybe they are actually a fraud.

Money on the table time! If Runny wins the title this year, I'll pay their 2015 entry fee. They can cash out in full after the season. BUT IF THEY DON'T...they pay my 2015 entry fee.

Acceptance of this bet or the sound of crickets on its terms will indicate whether or not Brian Barker is delusional about his team, or accepting of his fraudulent status.


LITTLE BABY JESUS 74.5 - ASSTANNER 47.4

There is so much going on around Christian and his team that I don't know where to start, I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know where I'm going to end up. I've already rewritten this paragraph three times, and I still am not walking into it confidently.

Sometimes we make bad decisions that work out (Scott and Gary), sometimes we make good decisions that don't work out (me), and sometimes you do things both good and bad at the same time and things go completely haywire (Chris, obviously).

The Cutler trade. Okay, fine. Decent idea, but giving away two extra picks was a bad thing. On the other hand, he's 2-1 and since the trade with two good Cutler games and one great Hilton game. Naturally, the other game for Cutler was so bad that the Bears almost broke up afterwards.

Finally cutting away terrible franchise player Chris Johnson was good, and franchising super cheap QB option Russell Wilson was better, but then he traded Wilson before he played a single game as the king.

Trading Wilson at about his highest value for McCoy at about his lowest value is maybe defensible, but giving up your first round pick in 2015 to do so, when McCoy has shown absolutely no sign that he'll carry you to the playoffs is...I mean, it's crazy. 

(So...so...so...I mean, I am caught up in the whirling Christian vortex! It is all so confusing! So many points to make and I don't know how to string them together!)

So then - THEN! - Christian also makes this fairly ill-conceived trade during McCoy's bye week, robbing him of a roster player. Which meant that Christian was forced to start Percy Harvin this week, even though he had posted 4.2 - 0 - 3.4 - 0 in his last four games.

And so OF COURSE Christian had Percy Harvin on his roster. And of course the trade happened on Friday so that Harvin didn't play this week, Brandon LaFell had already played on Thursday, and the only roster option left was LeGarrette Blount. So of course Christian picked up hot free agent Andre Holmes, who promptly posted a 3.4 week, about equivalent to what Blount did.

And OF COURSE Christian is currently 3-4, like half the league.

He fell to 3-4 because his team scored 47.4 points this week, only a little bit more than Russell Wilson (35) scored all by himself. Hell, Little Baby Jesus' bench could've won this game on their own with their 48.5 points, a total that was slightly inflated by Sammy Watkins' 24.2 bench points. 

That's right, Semi benched Watkins for Antone Smith. A dude who has 16 carries and 12 catches this year, but somehow magically 5 touchdowns. A dude having the flukiest TD season in like 75 years of NFL Sundays. A dude who scored all of 1 point this week.

If Christian kept Wilson for one more week, waiting out McCoy's bye, he's 4-3. Instead, Semi is 4-3, and not at all regretting Sammy "Superstar" Watkins for Antone "Fluke" Smith. Must. Be. Nice.


ANIMAL HOUSE 96.2 - RIGGINS' RIGGS 86.9

And so, once again, when I want to complain about my foul luck, the trials and tribulations of Riggins' Riggs make me look like some 26-year white chick named Brylynne complaining that Starbucks spelled my name wrong on my cup of pumpkin spice latte with skim whipped cream. (OHMYGOD! WHO IS BRILYN!) Meanwhile, the dude behind me in line almost died in a chemical fire and only survived by receiving skin grafts from an elephant.

Riggins' Riggs, the 2nd-highest scoring team in the league, is 2-5 this season, all by themselves DFL. I guess that's what happens when you face the most points against this year.

(Incidentally, they are 46-31 in the All-11 breakdown, good for 3rd overall. But by all means, let's keep playing head to head. Let's keep the unpredictable luck involved!)

Brian Hoyer, 4.1 points against the lowly Jags. This is why you can never visit Believeland, Ohio. Only tragedy ensues. On the other side for Animal House, Ben Tate only put up 3.6 against those same Jaguars, but what does that matter? LeVeon Bell and Roddy White went big! Bell had his first touchdown since Week 1, and Roddy had his best game of the year.

By the way, Eli Manning? Who was so callously tossed aside on Wednesday by Riggins' in favor of Brian Hoyer? He had 21 points this week. Barker would've won if he had kept Eli, ignoring the Sirens that were calling to him from the rocky shores of Lake Erie.

OooooooooooooooooooooooPS!


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