Friday, November 14, 2014

AFFL Week 11 Preview

LAST WEEK: 3-3
SEASON: 34-27

I'm not going to keep harping on this because I know nobody cares (which is basically the main problem with our crumbling empire), but all these camouflage towels? All these American flags that are 6000 square yards for the national anthem? All this stuff that makes Soviet Army and Navy Day, with tanks rolling through Red Square, look restrained? Do you know what the NFL is actually donating to charity from it?

$100 per point scored. $100 each to the Pat Tillman Foundation, the USO, and the Wounded Warriors Project. That means each of those three charities received $3,100 from last night's Dolphins/Bills game. How amazing!

According to the NFL's website, the league has currently donated $219,600 about halfway through the program. Let's be generous and double that, plus a little for yourself. That's $550,000 donated, or $183,333 per charity. What a wonderful story! Who could be cynical about such a wonderful thing?

That reminds me. Incompetent lying shitbag Roger Goodell, who is going to force a team into London before 2020 so he has a "legacy," made $44,000,000 last year. That is $846,153 PER WEEK.

This country is repulsive and disgusting. Let's go back to looking at Kim Kardashian's ass.


ISIS (5-5) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (5-5)

On the surface, this seems like it's a crucial game for both teams. It's hard to imagine a 5-6 team would still be in the playoff hunt. But in fact, both teams could be alive for both the Wild Card and the DIVISION with a 5-6 record, depending on how the other games break out. Still, better to be 6-5 if you had your choice.

Once again, CBS is projecting me to score in bunches. They're giving me 111.8 points this week, seemingly not caring that I haven't come close to their projection once this season. Their fault? Or my fault? I will say it's my fault. I know people have big expectations for the ISIS. They look at this roster and think, how is this team 5-5? This is one of the best rosters I've ever seen. Well, you know what? With Calvin and AJ both finally healthy, and Lacy and Ingram scoring like 2001 running backs, this is the week. Everybody on the ISIS roster has a plus matchup this week, and this is the week we finally stand up and do something.

For Bri, Cam is dinged up, Marshall is dinged up, Gio is so dinged up that he's officially out, and Jennings is returning from being dinged up, with Tom Coughlin saying his carries will be limited in the first game back. As we saw in the tables this week, Bri scores 100+ in his wins and about 60 in his losses. This is a 60 week. I'll be able to watch Monday Night Football in total mental comfort, actually enjoying Antonio Brown touchdowns. And won't that be nice?

THE PICK: ISIS 115 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 71


LOTHBROK (6-4) vs. LITTLE BABY JESUS (7-3)

This game got started last night with poor performances from Mike Wallace and Sammy Watkins. I guess they just hate the troops! Figure that Crosby will about equal Sturgis' 8 points and this game is dead even going into Sunday. The quarterback battle is also even, as both Luck and Rodgers will put up points in bunches this week. The tight end battle is probably also even, with Gronk and Julius able to score 22 points with no problem.

Gary has an advantage at RB since Gio is out again. Jeremy Hill faces a poor Saints rushing defense, though if Cincy is losing 24-3 at halftime, Hill might not see many totes in the second half. Either way, Ellington is going to have a tough time against a stout Lions defense with Drew Stanton at the controls.

Former Apostle Keenan Allen returns to face his old boss, but he hasn't done much all year, and Sanu should slow down with AJ fully back. So give the WR edge to Jesus. That leaves us with a pretty even matchup between two teams trying to win their divisions. If Sembrat loses, he could actually be looking up at Scott and Animal House, even at 7-4. Tough sledding to win the division with only 3 games left, even with 2 being against the teams he's chasing.

If Gary wins - and Bri loses - he could be 1.5 games up with 3 left, and he'll need that gap since Bri owns the division tiebreaker at the moment. Isn't this all so interesting?

Maybe not as interesting as the fact that Gary still has Darren McFadden on his roster since he - stunningly - was unable to trade him for a pick. The silver lining there is that McFadden isn't under contract, so we won't have to listen to Gary trying to trade McFadden again two days before the draft. Whew!

Oh, by the way, all that stink Gary made about cap space being wasted money after the roster freeze? He has $1.85 in cap room left, 3 times more than the next most prudent team. Seems like he didn't have the courage to pick up Adrian Peterson, which means that Peterson absolutely will return to the NFL and score 2 touchdowns a game from Weeks 13-16. But, you know, it's tough to just cut Darren McFadden.

Anyway, back to the game. I say the difference in this one actually comes down to the defenses. Gary's Patriots should be torched by Luck, but Sembrat's Broncos will be fine against Shaun Hill. 11 points for the Broncos, 3 for the Patriots, and there you have it.

THE PICK: LITTLE BABY JESUS 94 - LOTHBROK 91


SIGMUND & THE SEA MONSTERS (4-6) vs. ASSTANNER (3-7)

We haven't had a league-wide email debate in like 3 days, so let me start another one here. Who wants to be the first to accuse Chris of tanking to improve his chances at the #1 pick next year? I mean...no kicker this week? Zach Mettenberger and Derek Carr as his quarterbacks? Not one, but TWO college players on his roster? All extremely suspicious stuff.

Now, it's possible that Chris was put in a corner because he manages his roster like a coked-up electronic DJ manages tracks. 42 different players on the roster this year? With a salary cap of $18.41, Chris has $8.88 in dead money! Salary cap hits he's paying out to guys who are no longer on his roster! Nearly half of his cap is just wasted.

Wait, it gets worse! I know that sounds impossible to believe, but just bear with me.

Mike Evans, the terrific rookie receiver who has at least 1 TD in each of his last five games? Chris cut him in Week 6. At a $0.70 salary to start, that would've been a pretty amazing 3-year contract. He had LeGarrette Blount, John Brown, and Vernon Davis twice!

If he had it in him to just sit tight for a little bit and avoid so many drops and trades, the core of Chris' roster at the moment could be: Romo / Ivory / Denard Robinson / McCoy / Evans. That is one of the better team in the league.

Hey, how does Tim keep ending up with Denver running backs? Nobody else wants these guys?

THE PICK: SIGMUND & THE SEA MONSTERS 86 - ASSTANNER 78


ANIMAL HOUSE (6-4) vs. IT'S ALWAYS RUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA (5-5)

At the moment, Runny is clinging to the final playoff spot like Wile E. Coyote hanging onto the edge of a cliff. And like that wily coyote, his fingers are slipping off one by one. This is the week he finally loses his grip, pauses in mid-air for a second, holds up a small sign that reads BYE!, and plummets to the ground, creating a 9-foot deep crater in the exact outline of his body.

I don't even feel like talking about this game. It's not going to be close.

THE PICK: ANIMAL HOUSE 100 - IT'S ALWAYS RUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA 73


RIGGINS' RIGGS (3-7) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (3-7)

Technically, if Gary and Bri both lost and Barker won this week, he is still alive for the division crown, and somebody winning the Central with a 7-7 record would be most fitting. But in reality, this game is a battle for draft position. I mean, you have Mark Sanchez going up against Kyle Orton. Come on.

Man, wouldn't it be amazing if Larry lost 11 straight games?

THE PICK: RIGGINS' RIGGS 92 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 73


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (7-3) vs. HGAC (6-4)

McCamey has 300 more points than Scott this season, but one fewer win.

If I had played Scott's exact schedule, I would be 7-2. (Minus the game against myself, of course)

If Barker had played Scott's exact schedule, he would be 7-2.

Brian Williams, amazingly, would be 3-6.

And now Scott gets to face the highest-scoring team in the league on the week that DeMarco Murray has a bye and Arian Foster will probably miss the game with a groin injury.

No matter, now it's Scott's turn to lose to a team that doesn't score a ton of points. See how you like it!

THE PICK: HGAC 75 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 70

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