The First Annual Krog Blog

WVFL Semifinal Preview

2011-12-16T16:21:00.000-08:00

IRON CITY POUNDERS (#5) at ST. A’S CRUSADERS (#1)

First declared the dirtiest dog of the derby by the Purple Swirls after draft day, the Crusaders have done nothing to disavow their destiny. Although Matt Ryan staked the Pounders to a decent head start with 20 points on Thursday night, Tebow should be able to cancel that out against the god-awful Patriots defense. And it’s probably safe to assume that Demaryius Thomas, Darrius Heyward-Bey and Mike Williams will not keep the momentum rolling. My Lord, is that one awful collection of receivers.

Meanwhile, Jimmy Graham will continue to star in The Uncoverables, and while Calvin will have a surprisingly disappointing day (I say something like…6.9 points) Ray Rice will…actually…hold on.

I’M CALLING IT! THE TEN BELL PLAYOFF UPSET SPECIAL!!>?!!!!!!!!11111!1!!

THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 101 – ST. A’S CRUSADERS 95

ATLAS SHRUGGZ (#6) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (#2)

The Shruggz put up 145 points last week, which I’m actually happy about since it eliminated any possible What If? injury thoughts I might have harbored otherwise. Sure, they only cracked 100 points 4 times before putting up 125 and 145 on me in consecutive weeks, which cost me a bye and then officially knocked me out, but I don’t think it’s a fluke or anything. What am I, bitter like Caulen?

The Rockers, of course, took the bye that slipped through my grasp and now here they are, trying to go worst to first.

Both Turner and Jones-Drew semi-disappointed last night (in contrast to Blaine Gabbert, who continues to uber-disappoint), so that’s a wash. But what’s most curious about this matchup is the Giants offense. The Rockers have Eli and Cruz. The Shruggz have Nicks and Manningham. So Eli’s read progression is going to go a long way toward deciding this one.

(True story: In other league, a wild card last week was decided on Tuesday afternoon by a stat change. Changing a reception from Cruz to Nicks took the team with Cruz from a 0.8 point lead to a 1.2 point loss to the team with Nicks. Fun!)

But you’re more concerned with this league than my other one, so…

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 100 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 91

Caulen's WVFL Wild Card Preview

2011-12-11T17:37:00.001-08:00

Playoff Preview Week 1 & End of Season Notes

Fellow WVFL GMs, I wanted to take this opening paragraph to thank you all (or at least most of you) for competing this season. It’s definitely been one of the more memorable fantasy seasons, and I can only hope that future seasons are as fun and frankly, as just as this 2011 season. So, without further ado, let’s get into the playoff preview!

Bye teams:
St. A’s Crusaders (10-3, 1533.54 points)
Purple Swirls (5-8, 1459.92 points)
Firerock Rockers (8-5, 1449.86 points)

Starting at the top, St. A’s has dominated all season, starting off 4-0 and putting up points like Steve Jobs (RIP) at a keynote address. Looking up and down the roster, it’s clear Father Fucci and the St. A’s franchise values a few traits above all else: athletic, god-fearing and white. You have Roethlisberger and spiritual advisor/placekick holder Tim Tebow throwing those sweet Hail Mary’s to football’s own White Chocolate - Jordy Nelson. A banged up DMC has the bye to get healthy, and Jimmy Graham will surely put up another 100 yards and a score even though he’s sitting in the virtual game. One disturbing trend that St. A’s will hope to avoid though: Won 4, lost 1, won 3, lost 1, won 2, lost 1, won 1. That looks awfully familiar to someone who has been known to not change the station when the latest incarnation of Are You Smarter Than a ____ comes on.

Next up we have my very own Purple Swirls. Don’t be fooled by the record, folks. This is a playoff team. Wait a second.... the hell? The Yahoo system must have glitched big time on this one! Well, I’ll just write to them and we’ll get this all squared away for next round.

The third bye belongs to last seasons door mat, Firerock Rockers. Congratulations on a well-deserved turnaround. This team could rename themselves the Victor Cruz Steak Dinners and attendance would still be down though. And who knew the oompa loompa still had it in him? Looking at this roster, it’s even clearer to me that this season has been all about matchups.

Speaking of which, I did a little research to dive deeper into this wacky season. I went through and pitted the Purple Swirls against every team each week to see what my record would have been if I had played everyone instead of whichever team happened to have a career week against me at the time. The results against your playoff teams? Glad you asked:

vs. St A’s: 6-7	vs. IC Pounders: 9-4
vs. Firerock: 5-8	vs. Atlas Shruggz: 7-6
vs. Nev-R-Wins: 9-4	vs. DFA: 9-4

So it’s clear the bye teams are deserving. After that?

DFA (4) vs. IC Pounders (5)
This matchup basically comes down to which Chris Johnson shows up. The bad news is Tennessee will probably be playing from behind all day. The good news is CJ has rushed for over 150 the last two weeks. The bad bad news is they were against shitty teams. That a team that finished 6 spots ahead of me is starting Dougie Baldwin in a playoff game is enough to send me reaching for another fistful of Tums. The Pounders will likely get 50 points combined out of Gronk and the Steelers D, and jesus, it’s 2011 and we’re all expecting Lynch and McGahee to run wild yet again. Matt Ryan has been a tough roster all year and I’m expecting that to be the ultimate downfall against superior opponents. Luckily for Phil, DFA isn’t one of them.
IC Pounders 120.34 - DFA 102.59

Nev-R-Wins (3) vs. Atlas Shruggz (6)
Adrian Peterson is the obvious lede here, and being that I’ve made my point in this preview already, I’ll hit it right off the tee to get this over with faster. If he plays and plays All Day, Krogmann will be listening to something a little more upbeat than The Decembrists on Spotify come next Tuesday. Foster is unstoppable, Brady will toy with the Skins, and without having looked at any numbers I’ll just assume Jennings has had a great year and will continue to benefit from having Brent as his QB. On the other side of the ball, let’s face it: Atlas feels like Creighton at the Elite Eight. Great story, but not even his mom (my aunt) would bet on him if Rivers Casino were handing out free chips. Though if Detroit dominates Minnesota things could get interesting. I’m predicting a big week from Shonn Greene, but I’ve been cutting and pasting that statement all season to no avail.
Nev-R-Wins 105.86 - Atlas Shruggz 95.98

I didn’t forget about all of the other non-playoff teams. In fact, I compiled my stats vs them as well!

vs. B'Line: 10-3
vs. Hacks: 9-4
vs. Whiz Bang: 10-3
vs. Lowcountry: 11-2
vs. People's Elbow: 13-0

WVFL Week 13 Review

2011-12-07T10:58:00.000-08:00

THIS WEEK: 3-3

SEASON: 55-23

TWO SEASON TOTAL: 109-52

ATLAS SHRUGGZ 125.22 – THE NEV-R-WINS 101.26

Once again, I am limping into the postseason. I’m turning into a real Mr. November, like Tony Romo. Peterson didn’t play, Nate Washington got hurt during the game, Maclin is still out and Earl Bennett didn’t go to college with Caleb Hanie, so Hanie never throws to him.

This win got the Shruggz out of that 4-way log jam and into the playoffs, so kudos to them. Matt Stafford managed 24 points in a loss, Michael Crabtree caught a 50-yard touchdown pass and Shonn Fucking Green had twenty-fucking-nine points. I feel like none of these things will happen two weeks in a row, so whoever draws the Shruggz in the first round might catch a nice break.

Oh, would you look at that…

DEATHFROMABOVE 124.86 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 62.22

The Elbow clinched the #1 overall pick by letting DFA double up on their score. The Elbow also clinched being the only team to not break 1000 points on the season. In fact, they had 150 points fewer than the league’s other shit brickhouse, the All Stars. And if that’s not enough for you, the Elbow had the 2^nd-fewest Points Against this season, so with any semblance of a roster (like, say, the one the Swirls had), they could’ve probably been 12-1.

(STATISTICAL ODDITY SIDENOTE: The teams with the two fewest Points Against totals and the two highest Points Against totals – Hacks, Elbow, WBG, Swirls – all missed the playoffs.)

The Elbow also had the fewest points scored last year, so it’s safe to assume that Marla has taken to wearing a paper bag over her head on Sundays, like a Saints fan in the ‘80s.

Chris Johnson is returning to usefulness at just the right time for DFA.

LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 114.76 – BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 95.16

The MK called upset of the week special! Cam Newton had 38 points and Percy Harvin had 34. No other All Star had more than 9. Lowcountry scored their highest total of the year, and with one weird game knocked Brookline out of the playoffs and themselves out of the #1 pick spot.

Hey, nobody tell Scott Henry that if he had started Pierre Garcon (32 points) over Plaxico (3 points) that he would’ve made the playoffs. He probably already knows.

IRON CITY POUNDERS 129.88 – PURPLE SWIRLS 111.38

The Pounders, a team that had 160 points fewer than the Swirls, the only team in the league to lose to both the All Stars and the Elbow, are in the playoffs. The Swirls are not. Brees and McCoy tried their best, but apparently there is no way in the world to stop Marshawn Lynch and Gronkowski these days. Even Matt Forte blowing out his knee 5 minutes into the game couldn’t stop the Pounders from rolling into the playoffs.

(SCHEDULING ODDITY SEPARATE SIDENOTE: I just analyzed the schedule. If the Swirls played the schedule the Elbow had – with no changes in weekly point total – the Swirls would’ve gone 8-5 and made the playoffs.)

The Swirls only got 10 combined points out of Laurent Robinson and DeMarco Murray, and the Swirls missing the playoffs with a loaded rosters because their Cowboys let them down is probably very symbolic.

ST. A’S CRUSADERS 109.94 – HACKS 95.46

Last year’s almost-MVP, Philip Rivers, is going to miss the 2011 playoffs in both the NFL and WVFL. Weird year for a guy who’s supposed to be good.

All hail the Crusaders, our league’s #1 seed.

What else is to be said about this game, really?

FIREROCK ROCKERS 131.68 – WHIZ-BANG GANG 106.76

Last year, the Rockers went 2-11. They kept 5 players from that team for some reason. Stevie Johnson was down this year, as was MJD, and Jahvid Best got hurt. Instead of having the first overall pick this season as they deserved, they got boned by our weird keeper draft settings debacle. So instead of getting Greg Jennings with their first pick, they got Eli Manning.

And despite all that, their big win this week clinched them a first round bye. It’s a true rags-to-riches story that could only be possible in America. Not modern America, 1962 America, I mean.

Aaron Rodgers was totally wasted on this WBG team. They should not keep him this summer. They should let him go to a good team, where he belongs.

WVFL Playoff Picture

2011-11-30T15:33:00.001-08:00

THE PLAYOFF PICTURE

For some teams, it’s win and you’re in. For others, it’s win while scoring enough points and you’re in. For others, it’s you can go ahead and win if you want but there’s really no point. For two glorious teams, it’s like, Hey cool dudes, you guys are already in. And for one black-lucked team, it’s likely that you will find some way to lose on Monday night and miss the playoffs.

Because the league is so stratified this year, rather than go through every single team and every single permutation and breaking down who needs to outscore who by exactly who much, I’m going to break down the league into three groups based on current global economic issues.

THE 1%

ST A’S CRUSADERS

Have a bye week clinched. That will give them spare time to fret about being the highest-scoring team in a fantasy football league playoffs, which is like being a black guy going to check on a strange noise in an ‘80s horror film.

THE NEV-R-WINS

Clinch a bye week with a win. Also clinch with a loss as long as I outscore Firerock by 12 or more, and DFA does not outscore me by 90. And it’s a bye week I really need with Peterson and Maclin still dinged up. I’ve finished 3^rd and 1^st the last two seasons, so a 2^nd place finish this year would really out the trophy lightbox I kept in my foyer.

THIRD WORLD POOR

LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS

Clinch the #1 draft pick with either a loss or a win by The People’s Elbow. Of course, since it’s only the 2^nd year of a keeper league with a new contract system we invented ourselves, it’s hard to tell just how valuable the #1 pick will be. I guess he could maybe get Michael Vick in this slot.

THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW

Clinch the #1 pick with a loss AND an All Stars win. Need to score at least 99.14 points to avoid becoming the only team this season to not crack the 1000-point mark.

THE 99% - UPPER MIDDLE CLASS BRACKET

FIREROCK ROCKERS

Clinch a playoff spot with a win and can clinch a bye with a win, and a Nev-R-Win loss as long as Firerock doesn’t blow their 11-point lead in Points For. Although it’s mathematically possible for them to miss the playoffs, it’s also mathematically possible to calculate pi to infinity. You probably won’t see either math feat this week.

DEATHFROMABOVE

Clinch with a win, but unlikely they can get the losses/point differential to clinch the bye. They could actually miss the playoffs if they lose, if the Pounders win and outscore DFA by 22, or if the Shruggz win and outscore them by 46. Buy your playoff tickets, but keep the receipt.

THE 99% - PAPER MILLIONAIRE BRACKET

BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT

Win and they’re in. Lose and they’re out unless the 4 teams at 6-6 also manage to win. This team is the guy who lives in a McMansion and drives an Infiniti QZ35712-A or whatever, but only has $100 in savings. One burst pipe in the mudroom is going to wipe the family out and send them into foreclosure.

THE 99% - DISAPPEARING MIDDLE CLASS BRACKET

HACKS

IRON CITY POUNDERS

ATLAS SHRUGGZ

WHIZ-BANG GANG

These teams are all in the same boat, in descending order of points strength. If all 4 teams won this week, the WBG would have the most Points For ground to make up, and are most likely the odd team out. Every year, we have around 3-4 teams competing for the final playoff spot, but this is the first year I can remember when none of them played each other. On top of that, they’re going up against the top 4 teams in the league (counting the Swirls in that top 4 on talent, if not record) while facing a must-win situation.

If these 4 teams all manage to win, and the Rockers, DFA and Brookline lose, we’ll have 7 teams with a 7-6 record, and going to the Points For tiebreaker for 4 playoff spots. DISCLAIMER: This will probably not happen.

THE 99% - BERNIE MADOFF VICTIM BRACKET

PURPLE SWIRLS

The team with perhaps the most talent, but definitely the worst luck. Here are their opponents point total in their 7 losses: 126-133-130-112-126-133-148. They could technically make the playoffs with a win and the 4 Disappearing Middle Class teams all losing, but it seems unlikely. What’s definitely is the 296-page book Caulen is going to write about the 2011 Purple Swirls season.

WVFL Week 12 Review

2011-11-29T13:44:00.001-08:00

WHIZ-BANG GANG 95.48 – THE NEV-R-WINS 91.04

Complaining about fantasy losses with Caulen in the same league right now is a bit tacky. It’s like complaining about a stubbed toe to somebody who’s been decapitated in a car accident but still has sentience for a weird 2 seconds before dying. I mean…it’s EXACTLY like that.

Point is, Mark Ingram scored the garbage touchdown to end all garbage touchdowns last night, and that one play is what gave the WBG the win here. On the other hand, I have Mark Ingram in my other league and that same touchdown gave me a cheap win, keeping me alive in the playoff race over there. So it’s not all bad.

Speaking of playoffs, I’m going to need more than 2.7 total points from 3 receivers if I’m going to go very far.

Larry begged some mystical power (Gaia, Zeus, God, G-d, Yahweh, Allah, Mork…take your pick) to let them beat me before he got knocked out of the playoffs. And then C.J. Spiller and Jabar Gaffney combined for 14 points. What more proof of a higher power do you need?

THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 121.14 – ST. A’S CRUSADERS 104.02

Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Look at this! A nice reminder for the Crusaders that any team can lose to anybody at any time! And right before the playoffs, too! Don’t believe the mighty Crusaders have anything to worry about? Well, you never know when Beanie Wells will rush for 200+ yards (maybe this one time ever), Janikowski will kick 6 field goals (probably pretty rare), and Cedric Benson will have 19 points (comet-like rarity). The Holy Trinity of WVFL Kresses AVERAGED 133 points this week.

Jimmy Graham is basically unguardable, but he needed more than 20 points. And since the Saints we able to run up and down the entire field at will, John Kasay only kicked 7 extra points and no field goals. Meanwhile, Jordy Nelson took Thanksgiving off and Ray Rice was limited.

You know who else thought they’d roll all of the opposition with nothing to worry about? The British Redcoats! Look out, Crusaders! The fantasy doom bell tolls for thee.

DEATHFROMABOVE 101.64 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS

With only a small deficit to overcome and Darren Sproles still to play, it seemed like DFA would win in a romp. But instead, the barely squeaked by the feisty-for-no-reason-whatsoever All Stars. It would’ve be a shame to waste Chris Johnson’s first good week in a loss. So it becomes a shame that the All Stars waste their only good game this season. Though their loss combined with an Elbow gives them the inside track at the #1 pick in 2012.

IRON CITY POUNDERS 116.28 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 77.94

Matt Forte, Larry Fitzgerald and Andre Johnson were the Pounders’ least productive players this week, and they still won handily. Greg Little, you are a tremendous asset to the team! And what in the world is Marshawn Lynch doing with himself this season? Maybe he’s really into Japanese chicks, and moving from Buffalo to Seattle brought out the best in him.

Michael Turner sucks, Steve Breaston is the 2^nd option for Tyler Palko, and Mario Manningham missed the game with an injury. Oh, and Shonn Greene also sucks. All of these factors added up result in a not-so-fresh feeling come Tuesday morning.

HACKS 74.82 – BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 68.28

Leave it to Brookline to surprise the league with a nice winning run, get right to the cusp of clinching a playoff spot, and then fall right back into mediocrity with a wet fart of a week. Had Brookline started Plaxico or Santonio over Torrey Smith, they win and clinch a spot. But I guess he preferred spending Thanksgiving night with his loved ones, the entire group watching a rookie receiver with one skill struggle against a great defense.

The Hacks have the 6^th seed at the moment, but they are holding onto a greased tree with wet, soapy hands. (NOTE: Read that to yourself with a Southern accent for full effect.) This roster has an odd mix of disappointing big names and names you have to Google to get the spelling correct. But hey, a 74-point win is a win, and one that Caulen would gladly take right now.

FIREROCK ROCKERS 148.44 – PURPLE SWIRLS 130.32

Oh my God. Oh Lord. This is hilarious. Not only did the Rockers score 148, they left another 70 on their bench. While Drew Brees was surgically destroying the Giants, racking up 37 points, seemingly propelling Caulen to a win, Firerock was responding with 32 point from Victor Cruz and another 10 from Brandon Jacobs. Mike Wallace had 1.7 and Jason Hanson had 1, and it didn’t even matter a little bit. To be sure, the Rockers shot their full wad this week, and will only score 60 next week.

Caulen played the perfect lineup this week. Left no extra points on the bench. Scored the 2^nd-most points this week. Scored almost twice as much as the Hacks did in their win. And they still lost. If you’re wondering what effect this lost had on Caulen – a loss that gave him the highest points against in the league by about 80 points – a loss that gave him only the faintest glimmer of playoff hopes – a loss that knocked the 2^nd-highest scoring team in theleague down to the bottom of his division – you should know that he approached me this morning asking to write the playoff preview as a form a cathartic release. Prepare yourself for a 13-page, single-spaced stream of consciousness rant that will make the Unabomer look calm and measured in comparison.

WVFL Week 11 Review

2011-11-22T11:12:00.001-08:00

THE NEV-R-WINS 89.86 – FIREROCK ROCKERS 79.16

I was flipping through the games on Sunday – as is my right as a Sunday Ticket subscriber – and as I went back to the Minnesota game, I saw Adrian Peterson being helped off the field while being supported by two trainers. It was not a good feeling. I own Peterson in both of my leagues and by the time he reached the sidelines, I mentally played out eight different scenarios about what this meant for me. None of them were positive.

But great teams dig down deep and get the job done, even in the face of adversity. Peterson went down, Greg Jennings missed most of the game with a bruise, Maurice Morris got benched against a horrible defense. That’s when recent arrival Nate Washington said, “Guys, me and Jake Locker got this.” I said, “Nate, it’s actually ‘Jake Locker and I’.” He said, “Boom, two TDs. Done.”

Then Brady finished it off by heroically throwing touchdowns against a injury-riddled Chiefs defense. It was a great moment for all.

Except for maybe the Rockers, but they don’t write this piece, so who cares about them? They are on the exact same arc as the Buffalo Bills, which is probably related to starting two Bills each week.

HACKS 82.80 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 77.76

The Elbow started Kevin Walter even though he was on a bye (and not that good during game weeks), and the Hacks squeaked (squoke?) by with a 5-point win. I am now hoping extremely hard that the Hacks clinch the #6 seed and keep the Swirls out of the playoffs. At which point I will remind Caulen of this game, just to make Christmas dinner interesting.

Hacks, congrats on scoring the 2^nd-fewest points this week and winning. You guys just find a way to get a win. Much like a Tim Tebow who is entirely responsible for that 0 Eric Decker posted for you.

ST. A’S CRUSADERS 110.86 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 96.30

Jor-dy! Nel-son! (clap, clap, clap clap clap!) 24 points for White Lightning this week, who said earlier that he thinks defenses don’t respect him enough because he’s white. Side note: Defenses don’t respect Toby Gerhart because he’s white AND terrible.

Ray Rice is the goal line back in Baltimore, which ups his value tremendously. If you don’t believe me, look at the 26 points he scored on the strength of a pair of 2-yard carries. The Crusaders can even start a kicker on his bye week as a little dose on showmanship and still come out on top.

The All Stars had a huge week, which is unfortunate for them. They’re now about 100 points ahead of the Elbow for the #1 overall pick tiebreaker. Bad management by them right now. Maybe no need to play a full roster each week in these next two games.

IRON CITY POUNDERS 97.84 – WHIZ-BANG GANG 96.96

So…in our other league, Larry owns Gronkmonster, who led Larry to a stunning comeback win, helping his playoff chances. In this league, Larry went against Gronkmonster, who led the Pounders to a stunning comeback win, putting a serious dent in Larry’s WVFL playoff chances. Though…just this week he begged to be knocked out of the WVFL playoff race, so…win-win, I guess. Now they won’t have to rely on Javon Ringer, Dexter McCluster and Kregg Lumpkin in a Wild Card game.

Pounders got a 0 from David Nelson, and -0.2 from Willis McGahee (on the bench, but still bad karma). And yet here they are, right in the thick of the playoff hunt.

BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 126.28 – DEATHFROMABOVE 94.18

Look who’s coming alive at just the right time with a 3-game winning streak! And over 100 points each week, too! Didn’t Skip Henry win this whole league like 3 years ago? Sure, they have 200 points fewer than the Swirls. Sure, their QB is Alex Smith. Sure, Torrey Smith either scores 27 or 2.7. Sure, Michael Bush is going to lose all of his carries once McFadden is back. But you can’t deny that Skip Henry magic!

A win this week would’ve juuuuuuust about given DFA a guaranteed playoff spot, but it was not to be. But when recent pickup Lance Ball is your best running back, and he only has 4 points, and you have Chris Johnson on your roster, well…you’re going to have a tough time making the playoffs.

PURPLE SWIRLS 113.10 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 92.60

The playoff dream lives on for at least another week. Hilariously, the decision to start Matt Moore and exorcise the QB demons paid off beautifully, with Moore post 18 points in his best game of the season. The Niner defense, Gates, Steve Smith…it was all working. Didn’t even matter that Denarius Moore followed up a 20-point game with 1.7. This is your chance, Swirls!

What the hell happened to the Giants on Sunday night? The Shruggz sure could’ve used more points out of Nicks and Manningham. And more points out of Shonn Greene. Problem there is, Shonn Greene suuuuuuuuuucks.

WVFL Week 11 Preview

2011-11-18T17:08:00.001-08:00

LAST WEEK: 4-2

SEASON: 43-17

THE NEV-R-WINS (7-3) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (6-4)

The Hullabaloo over Division 2! The War Of Who Wants It More! TK vs. MK! A! Big! Game!

A win this week puts me a little bit closer to a bye week. A win for Firerocks gives him the division lead if he wins by enough points. Although 4 from Dustin Keller last night is not a great head start. Though I have my own troubles. Foster is on a bye, Maclin is hurt and Frank Gore isn’t hurt enough. That trident of misery is forcing me to start both Maurice Morris and Kendall Hunter while knowing they probably won’t do all that much.

On the other hand, counting on MJD and Roy Helu can’t inspire all that much confidence, either. Plus, Stevie Johnson is questionable (and invisible lately anyway).

Hmm. Well, when I don’t have Peterson and Foster playing I lose, so…

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 91 – THE NEV-R-WINS 83

THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW (2-8) at HACKS (4-6)

The Elbow literally don’t have enough active players to fill out a full lineup card this week, and whether or not Nate cares enough to actually pick up a new guy is currently listed as Doubtful. Benson and Beanie face stout run defenses, Early Doucet sucks and Jonathan Baldwin will get to find out what college would’ve been like if went to school at the same time as Tyler Palko. Breaking 30 would be a significant accomplishment for the Elbow this week, and I am not kidding.

If the WVFL awarded points for diving full outstretched for a wobbly pass that’s leading you by too much, Eric Decker would’ve put up 15 points last night. As it is, he posted a 0. He also is playing Chris Ogbonnaya. But what does any of it matter? They’re going to score 50 points and stay technically alive in the playoff hunt.

THE PICK: HACKS 50 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 29

LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (2-8) at ST. A’S CRUSADERS (8-2)

Tim Tebow is so bad at passing that he won’t even be a good passer in Heaven. He’s the kind of guy dads want their daughters to date, mainly because Tebow won’t try to have sex with them. And his showy piety (despite being at odds with the advice of the New Testament) fits perfectly with a country that has 10,000-seat churches. Shoot, he’s like the entirety of the GOP Presidential field – religious, inept, in over his head and finding more success at every turn. Tim Tebow had 16 points last night.

But can Tebow’s miraculous healing powers lead to a Crusaders win? They have no kicker this week (and, like me, may have forgotten that the Thursday game freezes all transactions for the week), and Damian Williams is forced into the lineup due to byes.

I so desperately want to call for the upset in this game, but have you seen that All Star lineup? At the risk of offending Tim Tebow’s delicate ears, Jesus Fucking Christ With A Limp are they bad.

THE PICK: ST. A’S CRUSADERS 78 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 67

IRON CITY POUNDERS (4-6) at WHIZ-BANG GANG

The WBG is openly begging to be eliminated from the playoffs so they can stop caring about their shitty team, shades of George Constanza lamenting, “They keep pulling me back in!” which in itself was a Godfather parody. The thing is, win or lose this week, they will neither clinch a spot nor be officially eliminated. They’ll still be stuck in the creamy nougat center, starting Kregg Lumpkin. Aaron Rodgers is wasted on this team, like somebody hanging “Starry Night” in the bathroom of their double-wide.

Between Lynch and Hauschka, the Pounders are rolling out two Seahawks this week. I sincerely hope that they will not be going to a Buffalo Wild Wings in order to watch the Seattle/St. Louis game to follow their players. It’s not worth it, man.

THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 91 – WHIZ-BANG GANG 70

DEATHFROMABOVE (6-4) at BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT (6-4)

Thanks to total points, DFA could probably withstand a loss here and stay alive in the playoffs. But because Brookine’s offense is so…let’s say shy…they must win this one to stay alive. Having two receivers combine for 10 points because Mark Sanchez was the 2^nd-best QB in a game featuring Tim Tebow is not much help. Plus, Frank Gore is dinged up so even if he plays this week, he’ll be limited. Scott Henry, the dream ends this week. Side note: Please start dreaming than just making the WVFL playoffs. You can do better.

The Cowboys are going to find a way to lose to the Redskins, and it will probably be on the back on 3 Tony Romo turnovers. That is just what happens every time America thinks Romo and the Cowboys are finally good. But it really shouldn’t matter to this game too much.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 81 – BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 69

ATLAS SHRUGGZ (6-4) at PURPLE SWIRLS (4-6)

1.4 points from Shonn Greene before he hurt some part of his body (Ribs? His offal?) and leaving the game. But 1.4 points is actually a pretty good game for Greene, so no complaints.

This game features Hakeem Nicks and Mario Manningham on one side, DeSean Jackson and LeSean McCoy on the other, and that allows me to discuss the following Eagles tidbits. First, Juan Castillo this week defended Andy Reid by saying Reid works 20 or 21 hours a day. This is impossible both physically and logically. If it were true, Reid would be as gaunt as Christian Bale in The Machinist. Thought it’s possible that the only vegetable he eats is school cafeteria pizza. And also, he spends 120 hours a week on a game plan and can’t figure out to not pass so much when Michael Vick is an inaccurate tackling dummy?

Second, DeSean Jackson was benched this weekend after missing a team meeting. The original reason given was a faulty alarm clock, until on Monday when Jackson gave an interview and all but admitted that he told his teammates he skipped the meeting because he’s unhappy about his contract. The Eagles are the only team around more dysfunctional than the Swirls.

Which is why the Swirls will win even with Matt Moore only scoring 7 points. They’ll win just to make it seem like they can make the playoffs…right up until they lose in Week 13, 121-119, and blow the whole thing.

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 110 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 101

WVFL Week 10 Review

2011-11-16T11:02:00.001-08:00

LAST WEEK: 4-2

SEASON: 43-17

THE NEV-R-WINS 118.86 – DEATHFROMABOVE 93.40

If Peterson and Foster both play, I win. It’s pretty simple, actually. Now, Foster is off this week, but that a Preview thing, not a Review thing. I knew I’d have a good week when I slipped Jacoby Jones into the lineup 30 minutes before kickoff and he then caught an 80-yard TD pass on the first play of the game. It’s fun being good.

Chris Johnson finally broke out and turned in a productive week and DFA wasn’t even able to use it in a win. Darren Sproles somehow only had 3 yards in a Saints win, James Jones barely played and Vincent Jackson totally quit on a potential TD pass.

WHIZ-BANG GANG 72.90 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 66.86

How good is Aaron Rodgers? He’s singlehandedly keeping the WBG alive in the playoff race despite them having the 4^th-fewest points in the league. But I’m sure that standing will only improve with Dwayne Bowe now trying to catch passes from the West A. Throwaway, Tyler Palko.

The Elbow has now lost 5 straight and their BEST performance in that stretch is 69 points. What’s the opposite of championship parade? Whatever it is, the Elbow should start planning a route and booking a VFW hall for it now.

ATLAS SHRUGGZ 87.36 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 54.68

Only two All-Stars got into double digits this week – Cam and Gostkowski. The only potential glimmer of hope for the All Stars is that Percy Harvin might deserve dual eligibility for as many carries he gets from the backfield. The other is that the rest of his team is so bad that he can sign Cam as a keeper for 5 years since there’s nobody else worth retaining.

There were threats that both Nicks and Manningham would miss this game, but they played and combined for 24 points. Nice when things work out that way.

BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 114.28 – IRON CITY POUNDERS 110.04

When you’re trying to claw your way into a playoff spot and you score 110 points and lose, I’m sure you don’t even notice that the WBG scored 72 points and won. Nor do you notice that had you won this game, you’d currently have the #6 seed. Nor do you notice that if you played Marshawn Lynch over James Stars you would’ve won this game handily. You don’t notice any of these thing because you’re clenching your teeth in rage so hard that all you can see are stars.

Brookline has 215 points fewer than the Swirls, yet they are 2 games ahead of them and in the playoff hunt. Hell, Brookline has 15 points fewer than the WBG and are 1 game up on them. Brookline’s best game of the season was this week’s 114 points. The Swirls scored more than that in 2 of their LOSSES this season. I could not possibly be enjoying this more.

PURPLE SWIRLS 115.58 – HACKS 93.46

Hey, the Swirls! We were just talking about you guys! I can’t believe they won despite starting a surprisingly benched DeSean Jackson and leaving 36 points from the Bears defense on the bench. The way this season has gone, they should’ve lost by 1 point after doing that.

Julio Jones had another hamstring issue. I’m sure the fact that he’s one of the fastest guys in the league and has legs like tree trunks means this won’t be a recurring issue throughout his career. And seriously, what is the deal with Rivers and the Chargers this season? They are just completely confounding.

ST. A’S CRUSADERS 131.70 – FIREROCK ROCKERS 82.24

The Crusaders play the All Stars, Elbow and Hacks in their last 3 games, so let’s go ahead and call them 11-2 now and give them the #1 seed. I remember last year when I went 11-2 with the most points in the league, got hit with the injury bug and lost my first playoff game. I’m sure that won’t happen again. Nothing to worry about. Ray Rice and Calvin could never get hurt.

Rockers won 5, lost 3, won 1, lost 1. That season is probably somewhat tied to the changing fortunes of the Buffalo Bills. As Stevie and Freddie go, so goes Tony.

WVFL Week 9 Review

2011-11-08T08:53:00.000-08:00

BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 102.66 - THE NEV-R-WINS 89.88

It wasn't unreasonable to think that Maclin could score 20 points last night (especially when he dropped 50 yards worth of passes), but it probably was unreasonable to expect to win 10 straight games. So this game can be a bitter melon sorbet between courses. It doesn't cleanse the palate, rather it leaves a bad taste in one's mouth. Besides, losing a game to Skip Henry can be written off on my taxes as a charitable gift.

Mainly, I "learned" something I already "knew." That being if Foster and Peterson aren't both in the lineup, I'm in trouble.

Neil Rackers and Michael Bush. Those are the guys I couldn't keep up with this week.

FIREROCK ROCKERS 107.40 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 69.38
The Elbow at least covered the spread of -50, so call it a moral victory. Thought I wouldn't count on 22 points from Carson Palmer every week. Or maybe even the entire rest of the season.

Eli had 18 points this week, nearly all of them in the 4th quarter. And...I unno. The Rockers beat the Elbow. How many words does that "accomplishment" deserve?

WHIZ-BANG GANG 91.88 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 60.94
Aaron Rodgers had 31 points. The next 6 guys below him in the WBG lineup had 28. Aaron Rodgers is the 1%. It's like if we took this whole league, added Ted Turner, then boasted that our average wealth was $100 million per owner. Good job, Kregg Lumpkin! You and Rodgers combined for 34 points!

While NFL teams are somewhat engaged in the terribly-named-but-at-least-it-rhymes Suck For Luck derby, the All Stars and Elbow are engaged in the we-don't-care-about-fantasy-football-so-this-doesn't-bother-us-that-much Fun For #1 derby. The other difference is that while Luck is the clear #1 NFL pick, nobody in the WVFL knows who's being kept and who isn't next year, and most teams don't know who's good anyway.

IRON CITY POUNDERS 106.80 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 95.80
The Crusaders had a chance to open up a 2-game lead with 4 games left on the race for the #1 seed but couldn't get the job done, even with Reggie Bush's 20 points. Man, the Kardashian divorce must have him really excited.

Willis McGahee was even more excited though, scoring 33 points with a broken hand.

HACKS 125.60 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 91.12
That's 3 in a row for the Hacks since the name change, a better rebranding than when Philip Morris became Altria. Hey, you know who probably will be kept this summer? Julio Jones, who had 28 points on the strength of two insanely good TD catches.

Here's a question: how in the world did Matt Cassel put up 13 points when his offense only mustered 3? The world may never know.

DEATHFROMABOVE 133.46 - PURPLE SWIRLS 103.72
Yeah, of course Brees outscored Vick. We all knew that would happen. But what about Mike Tolbert quintupling Jackie Battle? Fortunately, those benchings won't frustrate Caulen too much, because he still would've lost, even with the extra 25 points. This Swirls season has been a marvel to behold.

WVFL Week 9 Preview

2011-11-04T12:41:00.001-07:00

LAST WEEK: 4-2

SEASON: 36-12

THE NEV-R-WINS (6-2) at BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT (4-4)

Welp, I’m awesome again. Sorry, everyone. Now, it won’t be as easy this week with AP’s 20 points on a bye, but I’ll figure out how to make do. Mainly because I have the other best back in the league, Arian Foster. And hopefully Foster does so well that he’s given the 4^th quarter off, since byes are forcing me to also start his backup, Ben Tate.

Holmes and Washington return to face their old teams, so expect them both to disappoint.

I wish Skip Henry didn’t have so many Steelers on his roster. Every red zone trip Sunday is going to leave me spinning, trying to figure out who’s on the field and who I want to get the ball. This one is actually going to be a bit tighter than I usual prefer. I like gaping wins that make my opponent why they even bother playing fantasy football. Because I am a jerk and a small person.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 88 – BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 85

THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW (2-6) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-3)

If there’s a medicinal balm for a 3-game losing streak, it’s playing the Elbow. This is such a gift in the schedule that it’s almost suspicious. Like a rich family all giving each other $59,000 for Christmas so they can lower their collective tax load. I’m not even going to bother discussing the Elbow lineup or what their players may (but most likely won’t) achieve. It’d like telling a guy his shoe is untied when a Predator drone is five minutes away from locking in on him. What’s the point. Two metaphors in one paragraph! Ties a personal best!

Speaking of Predator drones, I wonder what it would be like to live in a country where people care that their government is using high-tech robots to assassinate people based on secret “evidence.” I bet it would be neat. Hey, how about that Kardashian divorce?!

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 91 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 50

LOWCOUNTRY ALL-STARS (2-6) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (3-5)

Ahmad Bradshaw has a broken foot again and is maybe playing, maybe not. Javon Ringer is still technically a backup, plus he’s facing a fantastic defense. But those are still better options than what Web is rolling out. Especially because Daniel Thomas just mysteriously misses games from time to time.

The WBG also has the better options at receiver, and the best option at QB in the league. But who’s the better friend out of Larry and Jeff? I will decide based on who wins this game.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 105 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 77

IRON CITY POUNDERS (3-5) at ST. A’S CRUSADERS (7-1)

The Crusaders will win because they aren’t playing me and those are the games they win. But let’s look at specifically how they’ll win anyway. We may not have to look farther than the Pounders’ stable of running backs. McGahee has a broken hand and might be held out, James Starks blows (I don’t care what people say), Lynch is probably hurt but is definitely on a terrible team and Bernard Scott is back to the bench because Marvin Lewis dislikes how he’s faster and better than Cedric Benson. So none of that will help the Pounders.

Of course, Reggie Bush will have weak legs on Sunday after spending the weekend pounding Kim Kardashian, and Joseph Addai sucks. And Malcom Floyd and Jordy Nelson both either score 2 points or 17. No in between. So where does this leave us? That is a fantastic question.

Well…don’t be stunned if Matt Ryan struggles and Indy actually pulls off the upset. Don’t be stunned.

Anyway, Crusaders will win because they aren’t playing me, the only team they can’t beat.

THE PICK: ST. A’S CRUSADERS 91 – IRON CITY POUNDERS 87

HACKS (3-5) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (5-3)

Ryan Mathews is out, Julio Jones is just returning from a blown hamstring, Hakeem Nicks is hurt, Michael Turner sucks and Steven Jackson blew his wad last week. Lotta problems with the players in this one, yes sir. Speaking of Mathews getting the start while hurt, the Hacks literally have no other option on their roster thanks to Jon Stewart’s bye week and a preponderance of useless receivers clogging up the locker room. And there aren’t any good FA options. Trust me, I checked after realizing I was starting two backs from the same team.

But the Shruggz aren’t looking so hot either.

UPSET ALERT!

THE PICK: HACKS 83 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 81

DEATHFROMABOVE (5-3) at PURPLE SWIRLS (3-5)

Thanks to me, the Swirls are now only the 3^rd-highest scoring team in the league, which is barely respectable. And they’re only 1 game out of the playoff race, which takes away their amusing storyline for the season. Fortunately, we still have the Brees/Vick thing to chuckle about.

Caulen is starting Vick this week, which means bet $1,000 apiece on the Bears and the Saints this week. DeSean Jackson makes his way into the Swirls lineup following an odd brotherly trade involving one guy who used to be good and another guy who will never be good. But LeSean McCoy and the Waiver Wire Wrunners will point up some nice points.

As for DFA, Chris Johnson is going to be sued for fraud by the Titans soon, and Peyton Hillis is so weird this season. Who knew that a plodding, bruising tailback couldn’t have two good seasons in a row?

You know what? Swirls win and get in the playoff race this week.

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 110 (with 22 QB points on the bench) – DEATHFROMABOVE 88

WVFL Week 8 Review

2011-11-01T11:13:00.000-07:00

THE NEV-R-WINS 139.12 – IRON CITY POUNDERS 86.78

The team MVP voting is going to be a hot and furious battle between Peterson and Foster this season. Foster was hurt early on and Peterson was held back by McNabb, and we started 1-2. Now both guys are rolling and our WORST effort during this 5-game win streak was 107.14. New arrivals Nate Washington and Jeremy Maclin did everything they could to impress – and impress they did – and even spot kicker Rob Bironas posted double digits. We just have a winning system here. You can feel it in the locker room.

Andre Johnson got the start for the Pounders despite being ruled out with injury. But before you criticize the front office, you should know that they had 5 guys on a bye. Although…they show a player’s bye week in the draft tool. So go ahead and blame the front office all you want!

LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 66.70 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 61.94

I’m the teams who are jostling for a playoff spot wish they got to play one of these teams this week, but we do not control the schedule. The schedule controls us. (Zen explosion!) Besides, the All Stars and Elbow are in their own playoff race to the bottom and #1 overall pick.

The All Stars won this game because of Cam and that’s pretty much it. It’s one of the greatest tragedies in American history that Early Doucet finally scored a touchdown and the Elbow still lost.

HACKS 106.56 – DEATHFROMABOVE 60.62

Since changing their name, the Hacks have won 2 straight. And since I’m always talking how awesome my predictions are (and, by proxy, how awesome I am personally), I must point out that I was totally wrong on Steven Jackson and Boldin this week. Are the Saints secretly bad, by the way? They’re 5-3, but 2-3 on the road.

Tony Romo is openly bad. It’s time to stop thinking of him as a top tier quarterback and put him in the 15-20 range. I don’t care if Philly was flying around all night, he looked completely useless. Also useless? Chris Johnson. Javon Ringer got more carries and had a significantly better yards per carry average. The Titans should try to get some of that money back.

ATLAS SHRUGGZ 111.98 – FIREROCK ROCKERS 94.66

The Rockers were only a Mike Wallace 140-yard touchdown catch from pulling this one out, but it was not to be. They’ve now dropped 3 straight and gone from the cream of Division 2 (which is the cream of the 2 divisions) to my understudy.

Believe it or not, Ronnie Brown and Delone Carter provided absolutely nothing to the Shruggz. But it didn’t matter, because Scott Chandler was hogging all of the receiving TDs for the Toronto Bills. Oh, and that Toronto defense had 25 points on their own.

ST. A’S CRUSADERS 127.30 – BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 97.60

Not a bad showing for the Crusaders here. Sure, it was 12 points short of my total, but they did the best they can. Good for them! Ray Rice was given the ball again this week, and he responded with 27 huge points, which is almost good enough to crack my starting backfield. Calvin caught a bomb when the game was well decided, and the Cincy defense turned a 17-12 game into a blowout in the last 5 minutes. Oh, and Ben threw a bunch too.

Is Rashard Mendenhall as big a disappointment as Chris Johnson? He looked so fast and decisive in the preseason, and now he regularly gets full series off during the game.

PURPLE SWIRLS 108.46 – WHIZ-BANG GANG 80.88

Don’t look now, but the Swirls are only one game out of the final playoff spot. And if you enjoy life and humor in even the slightest fashion, you’re rooting for the Swirls to make the playoffs just so the Brees/Vick thing can cost them a playoff game. It didn’t matter this week, though, because LeSean McCoy was jogging through 8-yard wide holes all night.

If LaRod Stephens-Howling is one of your starting running backs, you are going to lose. That is a fact.

WVFL Week 8 Preview

2011-10-28T16:00:00.000-07:00

LAST WEEK: 4-2

SEASON: 32-10

THE NEV-R-WINS (5-2) at IRON CITY POUNDERS (3-4)

Watching Tom Brady sit in the pocket unmolested, dumping off crossing route after crossing route as the Patriots march up and down the field is going to drive me crazy on Sunday. A) I’m not psychotic enough that having my fantasy guys score points against my real team makes me feel good. B) I’m not going to need a lot of points to beat the Pounders.

Side note: This is Tom Brady’s 12^th year in the league. 12^th! Where the fuck life is my life going in such a hurry?

Second side note: Last week, I realized that if Chris Berman’s awful references were modern and not encased in amber, my other running back would be known as Arian Foster “The People.”

New Nev-R-Win Jeremy Maclin (Philly’s actual #1 receiver as opposed to that small, fast guy) is going to put up 100 yards and a TD just to impress his new teammates. So that’ll be nice of him.

As for the Pounders, they’re starting both backs in the Seattle/Cincinnati tilt, which will probably resemble the 6-3 Seattle/Cleveland barnburner last week. At the flex spot, their options are Andre Johnson or Willis McGahee, who are both out this week with injuries, or four guys on bye weeks. They also have a kicker on a bye week.

They shoulda pulled off some awesome trades this week, like I did!

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 108 – IRON CITY POUNDERS 70

THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW (2-5) at LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (1-5)

Somebody is going to write a book about this Elbow season when it’s all said and done. It’ll be like that Enron book about how it all fell apart. Hopefully, it talks about how after one week on the Raiders, new Elbow Carson Palmer admitted that he only knew 15 plays when he was put in against the Chiefs. And that Palmer and coach Hue Jackson already disagree about whether or not Carson said he’d go into the game.

Their current roster includes two guys on IR (aka, out for the season), one of which they traded for. A Colts QB who isn’t officially on IR yet, but might as well be, another QB who knows fewer plays than the original Tecmo Bowl had, and a third QB for whom dressing up on Halloween is redundant. They have an injured kicker who’s also on a bye this week.

The Elbow are the creamiest of puffs this week, and a win will barely be noticed by the team they play this week.

THE PICK: LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 70 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 41

HACKS (2-5) at DEATHFROMABOVE (5-2)

Tony Romo recently announced that his beauty pageant wife is all pregged up. If that woman has any sense, she’ll ban Tony from being anywhere near her during the last month of the pregnancy so he doesn’t figure some new and unique way to screw up the baby.

If Chris Johnson doesn’t get it moving this week, he never will. If he was as quick through the hole as he is to retort to his detractors, maybe he wouldn’t be struggling so much. On another note, I am currently 32-10 in picking fantasy football matchups, and even I have no idea who Jake Ballard is.

The Rams will be trailing after the Saints’ first possession, and their QB is AJ again this week, so Steven Jackson is going to be limited by circumstance. And being a Ravens receiver is like being a Flyers goalie. It doesn’t matter how good you used to be, moving to either one of those teams makes you useless.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 81 – HACKS 77

FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-2) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (4-3)

Apparently, the Rockers are really committed to this Detroit Lions meme. A surprising 5-0 start where the offense couldn’t be stopped, followed by 2 losses that have everybody wondering if the magic is already gone. With Detroit going into Denver to face the 13^th Apostle this week, God only knows what’s about to happen. Literally.

Belichick will probably figure out some way to bottle up Mike Wallace, even if it involves a double-team jam at the line with a safety 50 yards off of the line. Plus the Rockers have Michael Jenkins in the lineup.

And yet…their opponent is missing his top two backs due to byes. Which means the Shruggz have to resort to playing Delone Carter at a pissed-off Titans defense, and Ronnie Brown. Yes, the same Ronnie Brown who tried to lateral at the goal line, the same Ronnie Brown that the Eagles tried to trade but couldn’t because Jerome Harrison has a brain tumor. I’m gonna say that when a team tries to trade a dude and can’t due to circumstances, he shouldn’t be on your fantasy roster, let alone starting. At least grab Ryan Grant from waivers or something. Javon Ringer. Somebody. Anybody.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 94 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 66

ST. A’S CRUSADERS (6-1) at BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT (4-3)

Don’t look now, but Brookline is above .500 and currently holding on to the final playoff spot thanks to a 3-game winning streak. This despite having scored the 2^nd-fewest points in the league while having the 4^th-most points again. They have 200 points fewer than the Swirls…but 2 more wins. Life, man! Life!

I’m not entirely sure why this is, but whenever a team’s backup QB comes in as the starter, the #2 WR almost always becomes the #1 guy. I’m not sure why this is. It can’t be reps, because Curtis Painter famously never got reps in practice with Manning around. And besides, wouldn’t the #4 WR become the backup’s choice since they’d be working together? Anyway, whatever it is, Garcon is now the man in Indy. And Antonio Brown is becoming the new Hines Ward. Things looking up for Brookline. Not this week, though.

The Crusaders have Tim Tebow, which seems fitting.

THE PICK: ST. A’S CRUSADERS 100 – BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 83

WHIZ-BANG GANG (3-4) at PURPLE SWIRLS (2-5)

The All-Unjust League title game. If fantasy team defenses were real, these two would be spectacular…ly bad. (Side note: Do tortured Seinfeld references still work?)

Mark Ingram is out this week, so the WBG will be starting Stevan Ridley, which is more than the Patriots will be doing. Aaron Rodgers is out this week on a bye, so the only good thing about the WBG offense is missing. And was replaced by…Alex Smith. Not sure if this is an actual strategic move, or just a funny riff on the 2004 NFL Draft.

Caulen is starting Brees over Vick, so look out Dallas! He’s also starting Ryan Torain again, as if to prove a point. And he’s starting DeMarco Murray this time, so expect 1 point from Murray.

Still. Alex Smith?

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 106 – WHIZ-BANG GANG 80

WVFL Week 7 Review

2011-10-26T12:45:00.001-07:00

THE NEV-R-WINS 126.86 – PURPLE SWIRLS 85.60

Nobody mention to Caulen that if he had started DeMarco Murray and Antonio Gates, he would’ve scored about 133 points and won this game. He’s already accepted this as a lost season and there’s no reason to pick at the scab. He knows that Ryan Torian had -0.5 points starting in place of Murray.

Related story – I picked up Murray in my other league, and also left his huge day on the bench. But I won that game anyway. Isn’t that just hilarious?

By the way, Caulen seemingly was waiting until Sunday to pick up a kicker to fill in for Akers’ bye. But you can’t pick up players on Sunday or Monday, so if this game was closer, it would’ve been interesting to see how frustrated Caulen got by the roster freeze.

Hey, how about that Arian Foster? He sure is something, isn’t he?

BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 85.94 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 63.84

What can even be said about the Elbow at this point? Yahoo only projected 41 points for the entire TEAM. They projected 0.12 points for Carson Palmer, the starting quarterback. Caulen Kress’ problem is leaving big points on the bench and facing great opponents each week. Nathan Kress’ problem is that all of the good players are on other teams.

Congrats, Brookline. You beat a guy in a wheelchair in a race uphill.

HACKS 91.26 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 57.24

All it took was a little self-loathing for the Hacks to finally get it in gear. That and playing a patsy of a playing partner. Cam Newton is responsible for all of the Panthers offense this year, and he was responsible for about 45% of the All Stars’ offense this week. At least Moss and Graham were able to contribute 2.8 points before going down with injuries.

Didn’t Anquan Boldin used to be good or something?

IRON CITY POUNDERS 95.12 – FIREROCK ROCKERS 57.12

No big deal, just another total upset I called. No big deal. Sure, Firerock being decimated by bye weeks helped, but whatever. Tashard Choice had -1.2 points, which is pretty astounding for a running back. And Roy Helu didn’t have enough points for the famed Choice-Helu combo to even reach 0. Two losses in a row for the Rockers now. Could the fact that they still use last year’s slogan, ONLY WAY IS UP?, be negatively affecting the team?

ST. A’S CRUSADERS 126.34 – DEATHFROMABOVE 83.64

Oooh, look at the Crusaders beating every team except me! Soooooo tough! Marques Colston had 21 points this week, which means he won’t break 6 for the next month. Which…probably just means more points for Jimmy Graham, actually.

Allow me to be the first person in the country to observe that Chris Johnson is utterly useless right now.

ATLAS SHRUGGZ 95.52 – WHIZ-BANG GANG 64.30

I’m not sure what to say about a team that rosters two defenses, but starts the one that has a bye week. Especially when they started a kicker in Week 1 who doesn’t have an NFL job. By the way, the team in question, WBG, is one game ahead of the Swirls in the standings.

Roy Williams had his best game of the year over in London. Maybe because the fans weren’t expecting as much? Also, Michael Turner still sucks.

WVFL Week 7 Preview

2011-10-21T11:27:00.000-07:00

LAST WEEK: 6-0

SEASON: 28-8

Owwwwwwwwwwww! Six and zero! Whatever else happens this season – hell, this decade – my fantasy football career is now officially a success. The perfect week! The white whale of this white male.

I can’t even imagine how much respect you all must have for right now. And I humbly accept said respect.

THE NEV-R-WINS (4-2) at PURPLE SWIRLS (2-4)

Caulen is trying to convince his team that this is just another game for them, but they’ve been foaming at the mouth since Monday morning. They’ve already tired themselves out. Advantage: MK.

Caulen's subferior record meant he got DeMarco Murray off the waiver wire, forcing me to regather and pick up Maurice Morris. And then today the Cowboys announced that Murray will be splitting carries, while the Lions plan to ride Morris hard and put him away wet. Advantage: MK.

Beanie Wells is going nowhere against the Steelers, and Ryan Torain is useless. Holmes and Jacoby Jones might not do a ton, but they’re not Beanie bad. Advantage: MK

Caulen will have a better draft pick than me next season. Advantage: CK

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 94 – PURPLE SWIRLS 85

THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW (2-4) at BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT (3-3)

Toyota is currently in discussion to change the title of Toyota’s Biggest Blowout to Toyota’s Elbow Loss of the Week. It’s just a matter of Nate being willing to swallow his pride and accept the $90 licensing fee. I mean, when your opponent has only 60 points, the 2^nd-worst total of the week, and you STILL end up in the blowout widget? Good God.

How bad are things for the Elbow? They rushed to pick up Carson Palmer. Meanwhile, their best player, Sebastian Janikowski, may be out this week with a hamstring issue. Last week’s total of 36 might inspire envy after this week. Why no Tebow? The man IS the people’s elbow.

Brookline has 200 total points fewer than the Swirls. Brookline is starting the backup running back on an 0-5 team. After this week, Brookline will be 2 games ahead of the Swirls in the standing. Life, man. Life.

THE PICK: BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 59 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 16

LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (1-5) at HACKS (1-5)

This game won’t be broadcast, even on local radio. It has all the explosive potential of a wet match.

Rivers and Mathews face a decent Jets defense that is probably slightly upset, and Eric Decker won’t see too many (read: none at all) well-thrown balls from Tebow. Steven Jackson is going nowhere against Dallas, and Dez only plays the first half for some reason. Look for another name change after this week. Superhacks, perhaps.

And while the All Stars aren’t all that great either, Cam will be carrying two shitty teams to a win against a shittier opponent this week.

LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 80 – HACKS 65

IRON CITY POUNDERS (2-4) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-1)

If you’re looking for some bye week craziness, look at the Rocker roster. Colt McCoy, Doug Baldwin and Roy Helu all get the starting call for the Rockers this week. If TK actually watches that 17-13 Seattle/Cleveland shitbog, then he is truly way, way, way too into fantasy football. Watching that game is just a cry for help, even if you’re a Browns or Seahawks fan.

The Pounders won’t exactly light it up themselves, but Forte and McGahee should be enough to get them through this one. I’m sure TK will really enjoy Forte tearing it up against him after Forte so thoroughly screwed him over a couple of years ago.

THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 91 – FIREROCK ROCKERS 78

ST. A’S CRUSADERS (5-1) at DEATHFROMABOVE (5-1)

The mirror image of the All Stars/Hacks game. Meaning, it is reversed. That one has a pair of 1-5 teams squaring off, this one has a pair of 5-1 teams battling for control of the league at the halfway point. And the trash talk has already started, with the Crusaders asking DFA who they’re going to put in when Hillis sits out this week.

But even if he plays, what is Hillis even going to do? I know you’re all stunned that a big, white running back isn’t following up on a great, out-of-nowhere season, but that’s what’s happening. A weirder version of the Madden curse. Things didn’t get better for Hillis this week when GM Mike Holmgren announced that he’s fine with Hillis testing the free agent market this summer. When your boss says he doesn’t mind you leaving next year – and it’s week SEVEN – it’s probably not going well for you.

The Crusaders will continue beating everybody but me.

THE PICK: ST. A’S CRUSADERS 121 – DEATHFROMABOVE 89

WHIZ-BANG GANG (3-3) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (3-3)

Brandon Lloyd is going to a new system, on an 0-5 team, and his quarterback this week will be A.J. Feeley. That is not a recipe for points. Fat Michael Turner will not run against Detroit and Shonn Greene sucks. Plus, seeing Roy Williams in person might finally get the British away from their “love” of American football.

This is all to say that the WBG are extremely lucky to be playing the Shruggz in a week they have to start Ryan Grant.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 87 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 68

WVFL Week 6 Review

2011-10-19T10:34:00.000-07:00

THE NEV-R-WINS 118.46 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 114.42

The Atlas Shruggz crowed that they were fine with losing this game, if only because Michael Turner outscored AP and Foster combined. I would call that a moral victory at best, because Michael Turner is still terrible. It’s just that Carolina is more terrible.

This game got a little closer than I was hoping Monday night, especially after Matt Moore threw a touchdown pass to Darrelle Revis. Problem – Revis is a Jet. I thought I was happy Sunday when Tom Brady threw the game-winning TD to Aaron Hernandez. In hindsight, I was extremely very much happy.

Giving the Bengal defense a spot start and getting a defensive TD from there officially crosses the line into genius territory. I don’t care if defensive TDs are mostly luck.

DEATHFROMABOVE 62.58 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 38.88

Jesus. CHRIST. How bad are the Elbow? Let me put it this way – Tim Hightower had 0 points on 0 carries this week…and he was only the THIRD-WORST player on the Elbow roster! Pierre Thomas had -0.4 on the bench and Scott Chandler had -0.3 in the lineup. Starting a guy who wasn’t playing ended up being a good move for the Elbow!

Move this team to L.A., already.

Deathfromabove is now 5-1* (*Would’ve lost to literally every team in the league this week except for the Elbow)

BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 76.20 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 73.98

In this game, the Jets/Dolphins of our league this week (read: shit/snoozefest), the starting tight ends combined for 4 points. All 6 wide receivers combined for 20 points. And, as I predicted Friday, Matt Schaub sucked. He and Matt Ryan are currently fighting to the death for the title of Most Overrated QB.

I unno, how much more can be said about this game? To go on would be like Bourdain reviewing Stouffer’s French bread pizza.

PURPLE SWIRLS 97.68 – IRON CITY POUNDERS 80.02

I can only imagine Caulen’s reaction if he lost this game, and yet DFA went to 5-1 on the “strength” of 62 points. That would’ve been incredible to witness. But he won, moving to a not-at-all respectable 2-4.

Caulen finally got the Brees/Vick choice right, which is clearly the reason he finally won again. Although the 2 points from recent pickup Ryan Torain certainly can’t be overlooked.

Somehow the three-headed receiving beast of Mike Williams, David Nelson and Greg Little didn’t come through for the Pounders, and the entire Starks/Grant running situation is unnecessary to fantasy owners and Green Bay’s playcalling alike.

ST. A’S CRUSADERS 126.80 – HACKS 104.38

The Hacks (nee Hawks) have lost two games this season when scoring 100+ points. At 1-5, they’re now reduced to playing out the string and jostling for draft position. Might as well start Tebow!

John Kasay and DeAngelo Williams were the only Crusaders who didn’t reach double digits this week. DeAngelo, it should be noted, is officially over as a useful back for fantasy purposes. Carolina is scoring a lot of points while losing a lot of games, and constantly being behind is not good for the running attack. At least Carolina gave him $40 million this summer.

WHIZ-BANG GANG 104.20 – FIREROCK ROCKERS 97.78

Remember when I called this upset on Friday? I sure do. TK benched Brandon Marshall in favor of Victor Cruz, which was probably the right play considering Darrelle Revis’ involvement. However, because fantasy football is a stone cold bitch of a fickle mistress, that decision cost him the win. Marshall had 10 points and could’ve had about 25 had he not psyched himself out before the game so thoroughly.

Cruz had 1.2 points, while Ahmad Bradshaw had 3 TDs and 31 points. So not only did Bradshaw’s juicy TD explosion give points to Larry, it kept points away from Eli and Cruz. It’s nice when things work out so perfectly like that.

WVFL Week 6 Preview

2011-10-14T11:33:00.000-07:00

LAST WEEK: 5-1

SEASON: 22-8

You know how much money you could make in Las Vegas (or Bermuda) if you went 22-8 on NFL picks? I have a gift, people! A record like that at least deserves an appearance on the right column of Yahoo Fantasy Football. Fat Brandon Funston ain’t goin’ no 22-8.

Able to forecast fantasy football AND handsome, too? It’s almost unfair.

THE NEV-R-WINS (3-2) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (3-2)

The Nev-R-Wins are America’s Team, just like Dallas. Like Dallas in that sense that we’ve declared ourselves America’s Team, and nobody else agrees with that in the slightest.

Adrian Peterson is a volatile chemical compound this season. At times, he’s practically inert and safe for rail transport. At other times, he’s completely explosive, wiping out all that crosses his path. But if Jahvid Best can gash Chicago, why can’t AP? And if Felix Jones doesn’t go way, way off against New England, he never will.

Michael Turner has gained something like 30% of his total rushing yards this season on just two long runs. He seriously is terrible and it’s past time that everybody recognizes this. Carolina pulls off the upset this week, and Turner is held to 6 points. Book it. And the Niner defense is really good this year, so look for them to keep Stafford a little behind schedule this week. If you don’t think coaching is important in the NFL, you should know that all the 49ers basically did was exchange a comically inept coach for a good, smart coach, sign one defensive lineman, and now they’re 4-1 and basically a lock to win their division. You also are probably a straw man that I just invented to make my own argument.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 104 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 90

THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW (2-3) at DEATHFROMABOVE (4-1)

The Elbow had 90 points last week, and they might be lucky to get half of that this week. Jason Campbell faces a good pass defense in the Browns, and Brian Hartline is…well, come on. Cedric Benson is averaging a plain Jane 3 yards a carry, which is like taking two steps and just falling over. And Tim Hightower lost his starting job to two different guys already. The only positive is that DeSean Jackson is guaranteed to catch a 70-yard touchdown because DeAngelo Hall will try to play aggressive press coverage on him. This is due to the fall that Hall thinks he is good when he is actually quite terrible.

Both teams in this matchup are starting two tight ends. That’s just weird, even in a bye week. Speaking of weird bye week starts, say hello to Titus Young, everybody!

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 88 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 50

LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (1-4) at BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT (2-3)

The two apples of Marlin Collingwood’s eyes. The two men whose PR work for the Pennsylvania Tourism Board got people to say, “You know what? I WOULD like to take a family vacation to Oil City this year.” The two guys I know who actually care who the Pirates’ Opening Day pitcher is. The two guys who stood there in mouth agape amazement as I became the first person in Bozell Kamstra history to successfully toss a hackey sack up on to an exposed duct pipe and get it to sit there.

Jeff. And. Scott.

Web has Cam this week, and the aforementioned upset on deck, so that’ll be nice points, but the rest of the lineup has thrown a rod like the Blues Brothers’ police cruiser. Green-Ellis is dinged up and missed a practice Thursday, Daniel Thomas will go nowhere against the Jets, and even though Earnest Graham is starting for the Bucs, if I know anything about Tampa, they’re going to be down 17-3 at halftime, limiting Graham’s carries.

Skip Henry gets Rashard Spindenhall back this week, which is good, but Matt Schaub is facing Baltimore, which is bad. Schaub is just a touch (read: incredibly) skittish against the blitz, and will throw at least 2 picks, guaranteed. So between Brown, Miller and Dancedenhall, Skip really needs a big Steelers win here.

Fun Fact: Brookline has Ricky Williams on their roster for some reason.

THE PICK: BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 87 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 74

IRON CITY POUNDERS (2-3) at PURPLE SWIRLS (1-4)

Vick is getting the Swirls start this week, so look for a huge game from Brees. What Caulen should do is switch his starting QB at 12:59pm Sunday and try to catch the universe off guard. Then when the Fates think they’re giving his backup QB a nice game, they’re actually helping his starting guy.

True, Greek mythology usually doesn’t end up for humans who trifle with the gods, but what do the Swirls have left to lose at this point? Besides more games, I mean?

Anyway, this is the week the Swirls finally get a win and begin their rehab tour. Steve Smith will be huge in a Carolina upset, Miles Austin will have at least 10 points, and Ryan Torain will torch the Eagles in the first half before Mike Shanahan benches him for some unknown reason.

Matt Forte sure does get the ball a lot. Remember two years ago when he was a fantasy bust? I bet TK wishes he had Forte now instead of then.

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 95 – IRON CITY POUNDERS 77

HAWKS (1-4) at ST. A’S CRUSADERS (4-1)

How long do I actually have to discuss this game for the sake of politeness? It’s not going to be very close. The Crusaders can beat everybody except me.

THE PICK: ST. A’S CRUSADERS 110 – HAWKS 88

FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-0) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (2-3)

Brandon Marshall, who was actually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder after volunteering for a clinical study this summer, told a media scrum that he needs to start being himself on the field. Somehow, in his mind, that involves fighting and getting kicked out of the game. In fact, Marshall all but guaranteed he’d only play a half before getting tossed. His rationale was that the Dolphins are losing because they’re playing in a bubble and they need to be themselves. Personally, I think they’re losing because Reggie Bush sucks and Matt Moore is their QB now. I also think Marshall’s prescription ran out.

This game is a tough call. Both teams have guys that can explode or disappoint, depending on which way the wind blows. Wallace is good for a 40+-yard touchdown sure, but do you want to make a living trying to predict Eli?

Screw it, picked an upset last week, picking an upset this week.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 125.2 – FIREROCK ROCKERS 125.1

WVFL Week 5 Review

2011-10-11T11:00:00.000-07:00

THE NEV-R-WINS 107.14 – ST. A’S CRUSADERS 95.06

How good is Calvin Johnson? I had a 20-point lead plus a kicker playing (a source of sneaky points), and I was legitimately worried about losing. Especially after Calvin jogged with the coverage, then kicked into gear to pull away, catch a bomb and score a 77-yard touchdown.

What should have been a titanic clash full of thunder and lightning ended up being mainly a game of disappointment. Jacoby Jones did nothing filling in for the Texans, Julio Jones scored 3 points, then pulled his hamstring, and Kevin Boss didn’t have a single catch in a win.

Meanwhile, Orton was started in place of Ben (5 TD passes), and then benched in-game in favor of Tim Tebow (0 TD passes, wing back offense). And even though DeAngelo Williams finally had a good game, McFadden only had 6.8 points in a win.

By the way, John Fox has declared Tebow to be the Week 7 starter already, which brings me to two points. One, Tim Tebow is fucking awful. There is a lot of overlap between people who think Tim Tebow will make a good QB and people who think Rick Perry will make a good President. Two, Kyle Orton will be on a different team next year and he will be surprisingly good. Looking at you, Seattle.

This game will not be aired on NFL Replay this week. However, the Nev-R-Wins did just show the rest of the league the blueprint for beating the Crusaders – make sure their players don’t have good games.

THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 91.50 – IRON CITY POUNDERS 64.62

The Elbow doesn’t play close games, that’s for darn sure. And despite being Toyota’s Shitbox of the Week two weeks in a row, the Elbow now has the 2^nd-best record in the league, Kress division. Jason Campbell was one of three Raiders to have decent games in a win for AL. The others were Darrius Heyward-Bey(!) and Janikowski. Janikowski, who the Elbow also has.

The Pounders got 40 points from 3 players, and only 64 total. Not exactly the depth one needs to make a long run in the playoffs.

FIREROCK ROCKERS 163 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 97.86

At this point last season, the Rockers were 0-5 and going nowhere slowly. This season, they are an unstoppable juggernaut, smashing everything in their path with cold calculation. They are only 400 points short of last season’s entire total, and they have 8 games left. Twice this season, they’ve had the win clinched with one player left on Monday night to do a victory lap, and both times that player lit it up. Jahvid Best’s 88-yard TD run last night was like TK doing donuts on Webster’s lawn just to rub it in.

And it’s nice to see that Eli was able to help somebody out after his fucking last-minute INT killed 90% of the survivor pool picks in the USA, including mine. Dick.

This game would’ve been extremely ugly if not for Cam and Green-Ellis going off. We might’ve seen the first 100-point victory in WVFL history.

WHIZ-BANG GANG 115.94 – HAWKS 85.60

I was about to write about how the WBG is 2-3, but with a respectable point total and decent players and that if they can just weather this early-season barrage of points against, maybe they can make a run. Then I looked at the schedule and noticed that they play the Rockers next week. But let’s talk about this win and save talk about them falling to 2-4 for Friday.

AJ Green is basically the next Calvin Johnson. Tall, fast, great hands and putting up points despite being the only option on a terrible team. Dwayne Bowe is currently in the middle of his standard 8-game explosion, which is awesome while it’s happening, and awful when you need it during the fantasy playoffs. And a below-average game from Rodgers still netted 24 points.

For the Hawks, Eric Decker managed 2 catches for -4 yards and -0.40 points, which is extremely hard for a receiver to accomplish. Bye week fill-in Dexter McCluster performed about as expected, which is to say he was utterly useless.

By the way, I predicted the WBG to have 115 points in the Week 5 Preview. No big deal. Just a genius, is all.

ATLAS SHRUGGZ 91.76 – DEATHFROMABOVE 90.74

Well, there are a lot of ways to break this one down. The fact that Atlas won with only 91 points, a decidedly 2008-era winning total. The fact that the Shruggz left an extra 27 points on the bench because they didn’t think the Chiefs could score against the Colts. The fact that DFA was an impressive, undefeated team that did absolutely nothing. The fact that if DFA started the Oakland defense instead of the god-awful Philly defense (which I pointed out was terrible and a bad matchup against the Bills), they would’ve won. The fact that I predicted the Shruggz would win this game 93-91 (!!!!!!!!!!). The fact that Jermichael Finley dropped a pass at the goal line that would’ve given DFA the win.

Yep…pretty interesting game right there.

BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 112.34 – PURPLE SWIRLS 108.46

Reports from the Swirls locker room after this game have Mike Vick screaming that if he played like he should have, the Swirls would’ve won and they “Wouldn’t be in this fucking mess right now!” Drew Brees, normally the calm leader, screamed back that Vick shouldn’t even be on this team and that it makes no sense to carry two top-tier QBs on one fantasy team. Brees also added that he doesn't think any WVFL teams should trade for Vick or Brees to help bail Caulen odd, which is an extremely odd and specific comment from an NFL player.

At that point, the entire defense stood up as a unit and pointed out that they posted 22 points, which is rare in this league. At THAT point, Swirls owner Caulen Kress allegedly remarked that he wished that Al Davis wasn’t the only owner who died on Saturday. Things are a mess for the Swirls, as they are now 1 game behind Brookline and the Elbow, teams the Swirls have outscored by 180 and 224 points, respectively.

But hey, when Pierre Garcon is playing with Curtis Pointer, he’s likely to put up 24 points. That’s just how it is.

WVFL Week 5 Preview

2011-10-07T12:28:00.000-07:00

LAST WEEK: 5-1

SEASON: 17-7

THE NEV-R-WINS (2-2) at ST. A’S CRUSADERS (4-0)

The Crusaders have taken a page from the Joe Paterno / Lou Holtz humility playbook. Those two old salts would famously downplay their chances of beating Louisiana Tech early in the season, saying their teams had major problems, while Tech had one really good wide receiver who could cause them trouble. Then Penn State or Notre Dame would go out and win 63-3.

The Crusaders are currently putting up a smokescreen about bye weeks and Ray Rice not playing, even though Rice is only their third-best player. Meanwhile, they’re 4-0 and only trail the 1-3 Swirls (hilarious!) for the total points lead.

Kyle Orton is going to have a nice game as Denver pulls off the upset in a classically weird San Diego loss, and Jimmy Graham can’t be covered by mortal man. Although I am enjoying DeAngelo Williams touring the country as the new Shaun Alexander. The big contract back who becomes useless before the deal has been official notarized. Meanwhile, I’m stuck starting recent signee Jacoby Jones at the flex spot. Sure, Brady, Jennings, Peterson, Holmes and Julio Jones are have fantastic matchups, but how much does that mean, really?

This game will come down to Monday, where I’ll have Robbie Gould, and the Crusaders will only have Calvin Johnson. That favors me for sure.

By the way, all of the above was just a feint. I’m going to win this one in a runaway.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 125 – ST. A’S CRUSADERS 99

THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW (1-3) at IRON CITY POUNDERS (2-2)

The Elbow is still holding on to Peyton, which is more than most Colts fans are doing. But really, why go through all the trouble of figuring out who to pick up instead when your team isn’t going anywhere? It’s like putting your laundry away when the house is on fire. Pointless, you see? Though they could at least pick up Reggie Bush so Elbow fans (there are still some) can get excited about screen passes that pick up 4 yards with 15 yards of effort.

The Elbow are starting two tight ends this week – Scott Chandler and Vernon Davis – and this strategy might explain why our league suddenly and oddly went to the W/R/T flex option over the established W/R option.

This game features three separate Buffalo Bills, highlighting the absolute saturation of NFL information in American society. Last week, I read at least four different sources saying the Buffalo/Cincinnati game was a trap game for Buffalo. On the road, feisty opponent, coming off a big, emotional victory. Now, these people were right, but even three years ago, most people didn’t even know what a trap game was. The luck factor is through the roof now since everybody knows everything.

The Pounders won’t have to worry about luck this week. They’re lucky to be playing the Elbow.

THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 101 – THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 70

LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (1-3) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (4-0)

The All Stars come into this game on a roll, having won one in a row. But the Rockers are 4-0, firerocking everybody who crosses their path. Plus, they have two players (more Bills!) facing the Eagle defense. Two years ago, yeah, having two Bills against the Eagle D would be bad news. But these are modern times.

The story of Juan Castillo and Eagles was weird in the preseason, instantly became bizarre in the regular season and is now picking up traction. Castillo was the Eagles’ offensive line coach for about 10 years, and apparently he continually asked Andy Reid to move him to the defensive side. Every year, Andy said no…until this year when he made him the defensive coordinator! Castillo had no previous defensive experience, and had never called plays (offensive or defensive) in game. Then he switched the team to this new-fangled 9-wide technique that puts the defensive ends out by the sidelines somewhere. Then the Eagles signed a bunch of new defensive players. Meanwhile, teams are simply GASHING the Eagles where the defensive ends used to line up, and Nnamdi Asomugha doesn’t know where he’s supposed to be most of the time. The Eagles actually said they’re giving him FEWER snaps this week.

Only Andy Reid. Between this and his 10-year inability to figure out a good goal line play, his success is baffling. He’s like a goofy son that inherited his dad’s trucking business…only the weirdness of interstate commerce laws protects him from ruining the company.

I mention all of that because there’s really no point in talking about this game.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 105 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 91

HAWKS (1-3) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (1-3)

The WBG defense is even worse than that of the Patriots. They simply cannot stop the other team from scoring. Their points against each week have been 168, 140, 86 (that was me, blowing up the curve) and 133. They really need to do something about that. Perhaps convincing the other team to bench their second running back each week?

Although the Hawks currently have Dexter McCluster in that roster spot, which is practically benching the spot.

Brandon Jacobs is out this week, which means Bradshaw will get all of the carries…against the Seahawks…with the Giants trying to run out the second half to protect their 24-10 lead. Nice.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 115 – HAWKS 94

DEATHFROMABOVE (4-0) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (2-2)

Ultimate creator Steve Jobs stopped producing in the most ultimate way this week. My facebook feed immediately clogged up with white people grieving that cell phone technology came to a halt. I wanted to write “Every Mac in the world just crashed in tribute. Never mind…that was just somebody trying to open Illustrator.” But I didn’t, fearing a bespectacled riot. I did, however, call Jobs the world’s greatest consultant, since all he did was take others’ inventions and improve them, and that nearly did cause a fanboy riot at work yesterday. Fortunately, the Venn diagram of Apple fans and tough guys looks like this - O O - so I was unharmed.

Anyway, on to the game. Mark Sanchez is comically bad, Vincent Jackson has a bad hammy, Sidney Rice has to deal with Tavaris, Chris Johnson is such a top pick bust that TK should have him, and we discussed the Philly D earlier. How is this team 4-0? Oh right, Welker and Darren Sproles. Sproles is better than Reggie Bush, incidentally. Rarely do you get such a clear comparison of two players as when one comes into the same system the other just left and is significantly more useful. Can you imagine if the Texans panicked in 2006 and the Saints got Mario Williams? In a dome? With a top-notch offense giving him second half leads? Wow.

THE PICK: ATLAS SHRUGGZ 93 – DEATHFROMABOVE 91

BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT (1-3) at PURPLE SWIRLS (1-3)

This week, Hank Williams lost his “Monday Night Football” singing gig after he went on some bizarre talk show and complained about Boehner playing golf with Obama because that was like Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu. This was bizarre for several reasons. Why is anybody interviewing Hank Williams about politics? Why is Hank Williams complaining about something that happened in June and didn’t change a thing? Why was Netanyahu the Y axis in this graph? Is that the only Israeli premier he could think of under the hot lights? I get the Jewish/Hitler interplay, but wouldn’t Eisenhower or (gasp!) Roosevelt be a better dance partner for this analogy? Or hell, George Washington, if you’re already mixing things up? And will this country ever stop caring about what dumb rednecks have to say?

Anyway, the point is, Hank Williams is a big Steelers fan. Other famous, conservative Steeler fans include Curt Schilling and Rush Limbaugh. On the (assumedly) liberal side, we have Bret Michaels. Some things are better left unknown. I would rather watch a documentary about why beef is so inexpensive than know that Rush Limbaugh also loves the Steelers.

By the way, I’m officially calling for the upset in this one.

THE PICK: BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 87 – PURPLE SWIRLS 85

WVFL Week 4 Review

2011-10-05T15:05:00.000-07:00

THE NEV-R-WINS 107.34 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 69.12
What do you want me to do? Brag about dunking on an 8-foot rim? I mean, I will if you ask me to, but...

For the record, I am not one of those fantasy nuts who was happy about Foster's late TD to beat the Steelers. Sure, that was mainly because I was playing the Elbow and knew I didn't need it, but still, I have integrity.

Brian Hartline only had 3 points, in what must qualify as the surprise of the century. And Tim Hightower somehow found a way to get himself benched while his team was comfortably winning a game.

Side note - I was the lowest scoring winner this week. The days of the 82-78 win seem to be well behind us.

LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 109.06 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 91.06
Jeff Webster was out relaxing on a stream bed, so he unfortunately missed the All Stars' first win of the year. Unless he was back by Monday night, when he could've watched LeGarette Blount's 35-yard touchdown run seal the deal.

The Raiders decided that Gronkowski was not going to beat them, and limited him to one catch. All that did was let the other Patriots beat them, while keeping the Pounders from winning. Even with a 200-yard game from Forte. Speaking of which, the Bears had something like 10 rushes in Week 3, then declared Martz had to call more rushing plays. So Forte rushed for 205. Which means more rushing plays this week, which the Lions can actually stop, which means a bad game for Forte, which means another 50 pass calls for Martz in Week 6. Fun stuff, Bears fans!

FIREROCK ROCKERS 122.54 - HAWKS 99.18
Iiiii got a feeeeelllling...Firerock's goin' to the Super Bowl! When you're getting 32 points from your defense in a game that sets a record for bad QB play and return touchdowns, things are going your way. When a player stumbles, hits the ground and leaves the ball behind, but the refs blow the play down and your QB throws a TD on the very next play, things are going your way. When your kicker misses two field goals, blowing the game for his team but still giving you 11 points, things are going your way.

Look for these tidbits and more on Jeff Foxworthy's new motivational podcast, "Things Are Going Your Way If..."

Anquan Boldin got outscored by Eric Decker by 15 points.

ST. A'S CRUSADERS 130.34 - PURPLE SWIRLS 108.04
The Crusaders are the other half of our league's 1%, and Caulen is so mad about this fantasy football season right now that he's going to join Occupy Wall Street just to put his anger to productive use.

He lost the Brees/Vick guesstimate once again, and pulled Beanie Wells in favor of Reggie Bush. On paper, not such a bad move. Blank paper. If you fill that paper in with Wells' 31 points and Bush's 7, it doesn't look so good, I guess.

Right now, Jimmy Graham and Calvin Johnson are the two hardest to cover players at their respective positions. The Crusaders have both of them.

DEATHFROMABOVE 133.74 - WHIZ BANG GANG 132.62
Please do not mention the following things to Larry this week, please:
1 - Aaron Rodgers had 51 points
2 - He had the second-highest point total this week and lost
3 - He has 528 points against so far, the most by a 60-point gap.
4 - Dallas Clark only need 12 more receiving yards with 12:00 left in the game Monday night.

Yes, please avoid any discussion of the above topics.

Oh, I just thought of a 5th thing.

5 - Dan Bailey had 13 points for DFA. Had Larry realized Bailey was now the Dallas kicker and not Buehler, perhaps he would have drafted Bailey instead of Buehler and possibly won this game.

ATLAS SHRUGGZ 126 - BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 84.52
In "Atlas Shrugged," the fantastical hero gets tired of paying taxes and simply stops creating things. And because he is the focus of a very terrible book, the world falls apart. Perhaps our friends in the 1% will get tired of a bunch of student loan deadbeats sullying their sidewalks and quit creating future trades, and we can finally put this theory to rest.

Back to football. I would like the Shruggz to get their hands on Victor Cruz so they can have the entire Giants receiving corps. Plus, they both have the -z thing going on. It'd be great.

Brookline sucks. They have the same record as the Swirls.

WVFL Week 4 Preview

2011-09-30T16:52:00.000-07:00

LAST WEEK: 4-2 (Nate Picks!)
SEASON: 12-6

The preview is on a roll of going 4-2 every week, even with the Nate Picks(tm) from last week. Clearly something powerful is going on with the weekly preview. Something that none of us can understand with our Earthly minds.

THE NEV-R-WINS (1-2) at THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (1-2)
Same record, but two completely different teams. In the sense that one of them is good. All three of my backs are Probable this week, but will definitely outscore Benson and Hightower. Celek and Julio (say Jewel-ee-o) Jones will get their first TDs of the season this week, and you can put that in a bound book.

I'm reminded that both of my fantasy leagues are Pittsburgh-based when I see so many teams starting Emanuel Sanders and Antonio Brown. Like how every hockey league I was in for the past four years had Chris Kunitz in it.

Also, Early Doucet sounds like the name of a tea.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 101 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 55

LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (0-3) at IRON CITY POUNDERS (2-1)
Jeff Webster is currently fishing for trout while being eaten by mosquitos in some wooded part of the Carolinas. So he's probably not going to remove Daniel Thomas from his starting lineup, even though Thomas has been ruled out of Sunday's game. Nope, it's all James Blake and Dale's Pale Ale for Web. He won't even notice he's 0-4 until Wednesday at the earliest.

I'm going to let you in on a secret: Matt Ryan is not very good. The Pounders actually 3 players going in the Atlanta-Seattle "battle," which is sure to be a 13-7 blast of tryptophan. They are also starting the Arizona defense, which is one of the worst in the league. This is about to be the fakest 3-1 team this side of, well, Atlanta.

THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 70 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 64

FIREROCK ROCKERS (3-0) at HAWKS (1-2)
Rocker fever is sweeping the North Side. I can't tell you how many paper-thin bootleg t-shirts I saw guys of indecipherable nationality hawking today. "Climb The Rock!" "ROCK ON!" "Rawk the Hawks!" They have them all. It's nice to see such a historically downtrodden fanbase enjoying their moment in the warm sun.

The Rockers do have some trouble spots this week, though. Cincinnati is actually a good defense, Jacksonville will be down 14-3 early, taking the ball away from MJD, and Jahvid Best just plain isn't scoring because Calvin can't be covered, so why bother running?

On the other side, Steven Jackson is still a little hurt, and Dez Bryant is out this week, bringing somebody of dubious stature into the lineup. Plus, Boldin is vacationing on Revis Island this week and Decker did everything in one game.

So the Rockers may be down, but they're still going up! Somebody put that on a t-shirt.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 88 - HAWKS 80

ST. A'S CRUSADERS (3-0) at PURPLE SWIRLS (1-2)
Our 5-star explosive matchup of the week, brought to you by Zambelli Fireworks.

The Swirls are starting Brees this week, so run out and bet Philly to cover -9, no problem. Look for a final of 41-10 in that one. And who to start at QB each week isn't the only question the Swirls have. Mike Thomas and Johnny Knox leave a little to be desired in the starting lineup. In fact, I'm starting to think the Swirls deserve their record.

Is Malcom Floyd out this week? Does it even matter?

THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 110 - PURPLE SWIRLS 90

WHIZ-BANG GANG (1-2) at DEATHFROMABOVE (3-0)
If you have Aaron Rodgers in fantasy football and miss the playoffs, it's time take a long look in the mirror. Preferably while fully nude. Because there is something wrong with you, and in movies, that is how people come to realize there is something wrong with them.

Larry is also in my other fantasy football league, where I have AJ Green, Ryan Grant and Mark Ingram. And I had Dwayne Bowe in the WVFL last year. Plus, I'm the one who told Larry that Aaron Rodgers is good. Why don't you just get the same haircut as me!?!/

Ndamakung Suh is going to break Romo's good ribs, stick them into his good lung, pull the whole thing out, and then eat it like something you buy at the county fair. It is not going to be pretty.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 120 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 101

ATLAS SHRUGGZ (1-2) at BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT (1-2)
Since nobody cares about this game, I want to talk about something else in the NFL. This weekend starts October, which is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. So players will be wearing pink gloves, shoes, tape, wristbands, and cups for the entire month. And it is so, so ugly.

I don't say this to be cruel, and there's nothing funny about cancer, which is a brutal disease. But is there anybody in this entire country who isn't aware of breast cancer? Do we really need to raise awareness by turning the already aesthetically-challenged Falcons/Seahawks game into something resembling puking after a trip to Old Country Buffet?

On top of that, last year we were supposed to grow mustaches in November for prostate cancer, which somehow turned into September beards this year. Again, we are all aware of cancer. And again, I stress that I am not joking about cancer. Rather, the fact that this is entire country is based around nothing but marketing. We produce nothing in this country except spin and entertainment. In fact, I feel lucky to work on the fringes of Hollywood, as entertainment is America's only remaining growth industry. Besides fracking, of course.

Everybody is aware of how bad breast cancer is and that women should be screened on an (semi- /tri- /nobody can decide-) annual basis. But we're going to have our retinas singed by the be-pinked Bengals on Sunday because another sacred calf must be sacrificed at the altar of marketing.

All we do any more in this country is come up with empty, meaningless gestures that give people the ability to feel good for six micro-seconds without actually getting involved and making a scintilla of difference.

I will now end this bellyaching before this turns into a term paper for Noam Chomsky's American sociology class at Berkeley.

THE PICK: ATLAS SHRUGGZ 85 - BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 70

WVFL Week 3 Review

2011-09-27T17:02:00.000-07:00

Between the two fantasy leagues and the one confidence picks pool and the one survivor league pool I'm in, I've reached a point where every single NFL play has both a positive and negative effect on me in some way. Each momentary high is immediately balanced out by a reciprocal low. It's really the pinnacle of Gen X emotional neutrality.

WHIZ-BANG GANG 106.58 - THE NEV-R-WINS 86.58
Before the games started on Sunday, Larry texted me that he hoped if he lost, he at least got blown out so he could continue to complain about his rotten luck. This is the attitude of chubby office managers who have cats and a neverending string of physical maladies. If it's not her knee, it's her wrists. And don't even get her started on her back!

Instead, Rodgers and Ahmad Bradshaw lit it up, and even Dwayne Bowe - angry that he didn't make my keeper list this season - showed up for a touchdown. So the office manager won $5,000 at the Rivers Casino and immediately blew it on a trip to Toronto to see "Phantom of the Opera" for the 10th time.

Hey, remember when everybody thought I was going to dominate this league with my amazing lineup? That was a fun couple of days.

ST. A'S CRUSADERS 132.56 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 70.70
Whereas the Crusaders are actually dominating the league. Darren McFadden had 34 points against what most people consider to be the best defense in the league and even Ben had 15 in a pretty terrible game. It's going to be half a tragedy when the Crusaders lose in the playoffs.

A full tragedy would be the Elbow lineup. All three Elbow receivers combined for 8.9 points, which is what Calvin Johnson scored on a single play touchdown. On the bright side, the Elbow have absolutely no hope of getting better, and they don't even have good players they can trade for 2012 draft picks.

DEATHFROMABOVE 113.80 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 95.32
It's a crying shame the All Stars lost a game in which they scored so many points. In fact, they've scored an average of 101 the last two weeks and lost both. Reggie Wayne has joined a support group run by Larry Fitzgerald and Steve Smith to learn how they dealt with bad QB season that suddenly killed their stats. The answer? A lot of yelling.

Wes Welker had 217 yards and 2 TDs Sunday, which was good for 40.60 points. Jermike Finley had 3 touchdowns, which netted him 26 points. Pinball has come to fantasy football, and these are interesting times indeed.

IRON CITY POUNDERS 105.50 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 77.52
The Shruggz have two big name players that suck. Roy Williams, everybody knows he sucks. He dropped a clear touchdown Sunday, proving the theory of everybody but Roy Williams that he sucks. The other player, which may surprise some, is Michael Turner. He has zero burst these days, and even a massive hole in the line only nets 10-15 yards because he can't pull away from the defense any more. So when you have these two guys sucking on your team, your team is going to suck.

Rob Gronkowski had 22 points. The Buffalo-New England game was spinning the dials like somebody putting 91 octane into their car these days.

BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 95.38 - HAWKS 89.44
There have been 18 game winners thus far this season, and only two of them didn't crack 100. The Rockers in Week 1 and the Forts right here. The fact that Kenny Britt only had one catch, which he then fumbled because his knee exploded, probably did not help the Hawks in this one. In fact, it directly hurt them, as Britt posted a -0.2 Also not helping was Philip Rivers throwing pick after pick in a game that should've been a blowout and only posting 8.44 points.

It would've been really interesting if Brookline lost because of Ocho's clearly dropped touchdown.

FIREROCK ROCKERS 133.40 - PURPLE SWIRLS 117.90
TK momentarily considered benching Sexy Rexy for Monday night's game as a sort of virtual endzone dance. But he ended up starting him and pocketing 11 more points for playoff standings. It's hard to believe Stevie Johnson only had 15 points, because every time the Red Zone channel cut to that game, he was catching another 20 yard pass.

By the way, last year Firerock earned their third win in Week Never. They were 2-11. It's a Bills-like turnaround for the man who has...hey, look at that! Two Bills on his team!

In their two losses, the Swirls have faced 133 and 126 points. In their one win, they faced 71. So they can beat the bad teams at least. The Swirls have scored 407 points. Brookline and the Elbow have scored 246 and 238, respectively. All of those teams are 1-2.

The good news is, Caulen finally got the Brees/Vick problem right for one week, though mainly because Vick was likely to miss the game.