AFFL Week 5 Review

In the Week 3 Review, I touched on the superiority of the Dead Drop division by noting we had the most points of any division and also the best teams. I received a tiny bit of scuff on the best division claim at the time, but since then the DDD has gone 6-2 in interdivisional play and extended their points gap on the other two divisions from 66 and 87 points, respectively, to 124 and 184 points. Like I said, we play big boy football in these part. DDD? More like dropping DDTs! On your heads!

On another note, congratulations to last week's new contract recipients Derrius Guice, Kerryon Johnson, Robert Woods, Kareem Hunt (FP), Pat Mahomes, James Conner, Nick Chubb, and Ron Gronkowski.


THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 115 - RUSSELLMANIA 47.7
The #1 team in Points For and the #1 team in your hearts, The Dude Has Got No Mercy showed none to Brian Barker this week. When my score suddenly shot up 12 points early Sunday and I saw that Odell and Barkley both scored touchdowns at the same time, I did a double take like Bugs Bunny. All rubbing my eyes in big circles, blinking hard, hitting myself on the head with a shoe because I thought I was going crazy. Then I realize Odell got credit for a PaTD, and it ended up being nicer than any ball Eli has thrown this year.

I said Kenny Golladay was going to score 19 points this week, and I offer my sincerest apologies to you because he only scored 16. I will try to do better in the future.

The high point of Brian's 2018 season was winning the draft lottery. Since then, he traded Saquon for McCoy, Gronk, and Cooper and watched as Barkley scored 25 points this week to 19 points combined for the other 3. On the season, Barkley has 88.20 points compared to 94.20 points for the other 3. He's lost Rex Burkhead and now Jay Ajayi to IR. He benched Shady the first time he posted double digits this season. Cooper kept his 1 catch per game average against the Chargers going. He's lost games by 66 and 67 points this season, 2 of the worst 3 losses in franchise history. Since posting 94 points in a Week 1 win, he's lost 4 straight while averaging 54 ppg, including 2 games with 47 points. He's the lowest-scoring team in the league by 68 points. Now he has to ride this out for the next 7 weeks and hope he can win the 2019 lottery for the rights to draft Leonard Fournette's hamstring problems. His only goal, I suppose, is to try and beat Scott's 1-13 record from 2015. It's good to have something to strive for.


ANIMAL HOUSE 101.6 - HEISENBERG 47.5
In Week 3, I predicted that Animal House, the #1 scoring team at the time, would post 77 points. They posted 80. This week, I predicted that Heisenberg, the #1 scoring team at the time, would post 68 points. They posted 47. Never doubt my powers.

Matt Ryan did indeed struggle outdoors as I suspected, as did Hyde, and Gary now has the Saints' Week 6 bye to wonder if Mark Ingram is going to steal opportunities and points from Kamara every week or if last night was just a fluke. Doug Baldwin, who costs $1.63, somehow had a single receiving yard in a 33-31 game. One yard. 0.1 points. The only source of slight relief for Gary is that his entire roster was terrible. Only his two QBs broke double digits so it's not like he blew this game by leaving 70 points on the bench. I haven't seen such a poor performance from Gary since he posted 55 points in the 2017 Albert Bowl.

James Conner did indeed get back to his Week 1 form as I expected, and he now leads the NFL in missed tackles, which seems a little surprising. Demaryius had his first good game of the season, although he was on Meyers' bench. Not that it really mattered. By the way, as if things aren't good enough for Animal House already, he is the guy that owns Mark Ingram if you've been wondering. When/if Bell comes back, Meyers is going to have a tough time figuring out which great players to start every week. It's too bad he never trades with anybody, because he's in a great position to make a 2-for-1 or 3-for-1 trade to move depth for another superstar.


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 103.4 - ASSTANNER 73.4
Bri came in and finished the job that I couldn't, ending Chris' season. He once again blew the Cam/DeShaun start but it still has not cost him a game. Mostly because Gurley put up 29 points with only 77 rushing yards. He had 3 TDs from a combined 9 yards! Those were worth 2 points per yard!

Golden Tate didn't do as well as expected against the Packers, but Kelce did better than expected against the Jags, so I guess it balances out.

Chris left Isaiah Crowell's 29 points on the bench, as well as Josh Gordon's 11 points, and technically he would've won if he'd started those two over Henry and Boyd, though it's tough to claim anybody else would've made those lineup moves this week.

Asstanner, Russellmania, and Little Baby Jesus are all 1-4 now and let me tell from poking around a little bit via email yesterday, the vultures are circling and ready to pick the meat off of these three carcasses. Trade talks are HOT right now and it's possible these three teams own 75% of the first round picks in 2019. My dream of seeing Chris with a ton of picks for a change is close to becoming a reality. Speaking of, I'm not going to get into details, but Chris has an insane offer on the table that I would've accepted so enthusiastically I would've sprained my thumb. The whole league is in a tense drug deal going bad standoff right now and as soon as the first shot rings out, things are going to get wild in a hurry.


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER 80.1 - LITTLE BABY JESUS 71.1
Tim only needed 4 points from Alex Smith to get the win last night and it...uh...took a little longer than expected. It seemed like we were on the way to an all-time choke job until Smith finally ran in a TD in the 3rd quarter to clinch the win for Tim and unofficially officially end Semi's season. Robert Woods managed to put 14.5 points after Kupp and Cooks went out with concussion, and part of that was 53 rushing yards somehow.

Tim is now 3-2 despite only being the 9th-best scoring team in the league. Chris has 45 points more than Tim but is 1-4.

Aaron Rodgers tried to save Semi's season with his best game of the year, but Rodgers can't do anything about Lindsay, Julio, Edelman, Fuller, and Corey Davis all posting single digits. Julio only had 62 yards on like 3 targets, which...look. How do you look at the Steelers secondary coming into that game and not just force the ball to Julio over and over and over? Why are you trying to run a normal offense, especially when you're down early? Some of these coaches just can't be helped.


WTTK? 111.1 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 110.1
HHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MYYYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOODDDDDDDD!

Oh my god.

Guys.

You guys.

I emailed McCamey Monday afternoon to see if he was going to be a buyer or a seller after he lost this week. He replied that he was going to be a buyer and that he hadn't actually lost yet. I chuckled gently, amused by his child-like optimism. Surely the great Adrian Peterson would be able to score 5.3 points on Monday night and clinch the win for Scott. It was only a matter if it happened in the first quarter or the second quarter. Then Alex Smith opened up AP on a swing pass that almost ended up with his left ACL in the mezzanine, before he separated his shoulder later in the game. Not that you would've known that happened since the MNF was only talking about Drew Brees for 3 hours last night.

Ben and AB did finally connect this week, although it took Ben mysteriously missing AB in stride 3-4 times in the first half before they hit a deep ball in the second half. TJ Yeldon also did indeed have a great game with 18 points against the Chiefs, James White scored his FIFTH touchdown of the year, and even Zach Ertz had 17 points.

McCamey got a late TD from Mixon in which he dodged 3-4 guys, a TD from Kupp before the concussion, a late TD from Davante Adams, and even a defensive TD from the Dolphins. All of those TDs created enough of a cushion that McCamey was able to withstand Ridley's dry day.

Scott has the 3rd-highest Points Against in the league, a 2-3 record, and 3 of the highest-scoring teams in the league on his schedule in the next 3 weeks. Simply a tragedy. Seeing him fall to 2-6 before Leonard Fournette returns from injury would be devastating.


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 80.5 - THE NIGHT BOYS 61.2
Larry has the 8th-most points in the league and yet is tied for the best record at 4-1. David Johnson finally had a good game fantasy-wise. His 55 rushing yards weren't exactly scintillating. Kenyan Drake was useful one more time. Taywan Taylor only had 2 points, but I was expecting 0 from him, so 2 is actually decent. Pat Mahomes had his worst game of the year with only 13 points, and he saved that with a rushing TD, but none of it mattered because Barker had 5 different players have less than 1 point.

Now, in fairness, the Bears and Tarik Cohen had a bye, so their zeroes are defensible, but Rashaad Penny didn't have a single carry, Brandin Cooks got concussed before he got a catch, and Vance McDonald had 6 yards on 1 catch. That DTD and 15.5 points from the Cardinals defense was just totally wasted.

Barker is right on the line between buying to save his season and selling to give up. The problem is, DeAndre Hopkins is the only player he has that's worth selling. Brandin Cooks can't be moved with his new FP deal, Chris Thompson could be traded but not for much, and if Penny's 1/3 contract isn't the worst post-draft deal this year it's only because Royce Freeman's 1/2 deal is. I guess the Bears DST could be traded as a bye week fill-in. Barker should buy. He should give up his first 5 picks next years to bring in 5 new players and get after this thing.

Larry should be doing the same.