Friday, October 30, 2009

WVFL Week 8 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2
SEASON 28-14

Apropos of nothing, somebody at work had a bag of Jolly Ranchers on her desk today. I asked if any Fire Ranchers were in there. She had never heard of such a thing. A second born and raised left coaster concurred, with both intimating that I was possibly insane. I shifted confections to Zagnut bars, and then they started to look at me like I said I enjoyed sugared alligator dicks. Zagnuts? What are those? Well, you know a Clark bar? No. At this point, I fell over.

Are we really so provincial in our sweet treats? No wonder we can't agree on the proper levels of healthcare for everybody when we don't even share our regional candies. And hot damn, could I go for a Zagnut bar right now.

Speaking of regional treats, my Minnesota friends occasionally go home and score me a Salted Nut Roll. It's a bar made of salted peanuts bound into a bar by a thin layer of caramel and hidden down the middle of the whole thing is that white nougat stuff you find inside caramel creams. Man, it's good.


THE NEV-R-WINS (4-3) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (5-2)

The ultimate test of my 2009 fantasy karma on multiple levels. The WBG is in first, I could pass them with a win. I put in for Beanie Wells on waivers, the WBG got him. Mario Manningham is probably out, setting the stage for Steve Smith vs. Hakeem Nicks. And lastly, with the byes, I need a lot of luck from Felix Jones and Justin Fargas.

Reggie Wayne's succulent groin is achy this week, so maybe he'll be held back a bit once Indy is up 14-0 in the first quarter. Rodgers will probably be strip-sacked twice by Jared Allen and Larry Johnson was ceremoniously released (they hired a band) after calling the entire Whiz-Bang Gang front office fags.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 79 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 71


IRON CITY POUNDERS (4-3) at DOPPELGANGER (1-6)

The world was stunned this morning when they learned that Doppelganger had dropped LenDale White for Lance Moore, two days after changing kickers. After five straight losses, at least three of which involved unused roster spots, what was the impetus for the change? It was like watching a napping housecat suddenly wake up and pounce on a dustball across the room. Sometimes we must just accept things without asking why.

Thing is, if Steven Jackson is put in at W/R, this game is going to end up being pretty close. In fact...

THE PICK: DOPPELGANGER 91 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 88


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (4-3) at BROOKLINE BUCS (2-5)

Replacing a kicker on a bye is easy, putting in Crabtree for Hines is easy, but will Skip Henry cut Heath, Carson or Bowe for a fill-in tight end? It remains to be seen whether a 2-5 team decides to fill out a roster, hold on to hometown favorites or simply realize the whole thing is futile. And there's basically no way Westbrook is playing one week after being kneed in the head, so let's just go ahead and call it futile.

So, thanks to Brookline leaking oil all over the driveway, it won't even matter that with Jennings, Hester, Addai and Barber, the Crusaders have four starters on the Dover Disappointments.

THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 88 - BROOKLINE BUCS - 12


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (1-6) at PURPLE SWIRLS (4-3)

All young brothers have fought since there wasn't enough mammoth meat to go around. The Baldwins used to have tag-team wrestling matches in the backyard, but it was 3-on-1 against Stephen, with Alec, Billy and Daniel taking turns hitting little Stevie in the head with a folding chair. Which explains a lot about why Stephen Baldwin is how he is.

But can anybody in this league picture Nate and Caulen really going at it? At WORST, I can see Caulen writing a 1:38 long punk song about Nate being a dick for stealing his sweater and Nate writing a novella about a a kid who was hit by a truck after using the Roenick NHL '94 wraparound one too many times.

This battle will be similarly uncompelling.

Hey! This game has two Pierres in it!

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 101 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 80


FIREROCK ROCKERS (4-3) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (3-4)

Oh man, the Ricky and Ronnie show gets really interesting in this one, with Ricky the Rocker and Ronnie the shRugger. Every time Ronnie gives it on an end around to Ricky is practically double points for Firerock.

If Forte doesn't get going against Cleveland, TK might as well cut him out of principle, but McCoy could pick up some of the slack.

For the Shruggz, Walter is doing nothing, Boldin is limping around and Eli has a bad foot. Can Adrian Peterson do enough damage in Lambeau to carry his fake team? Probably not.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 99 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 66


TURD SANDWICH (5-2) at DEATHFROMABOVE (5-2)

The last time DFA was involved in a 1 vs. 2 showdown for league supremacy, the game ended up being a 69-62 turd sandwich. Now they are actually playing Turd Sandwich in another 1 vs 2 juggersmash.

I read a report two weeks that said Seahawks doctors are injecting painkillers directly into Matt Hasselbeck's still-broken ribs, but it's still incredibly painful for him to breathe. This teaches us two things. One, Seneca Wallace is terrible and two, Hasselbeck probably won't do much this week. Plus, Vincent Jackson is probably going to be Nnamdied this week.

So Turd Sandwich, almost by default, with Miles Austin and Percy Harvin as receivers and Michael Turner and Ryan Grant doing nothing in the backfield, will move into first place by themselves this week. Unless...hmm. What if Schaub struggles in the Buffalo weather Sunday? Hmm.

It seems I'm not entirely sure who will win this game, but I am sure of one thing. Miles Austin is going to have 2 catches for 27 yards.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 52 - TURD SANDWICH 49

Monday, October 26, 2009

WVFL Week 7 Review

I am sick. Caught the bear flu. Wicked new strain coming out of Nova Scotia. While it does lead to impressive phlegm cohesion, it does not lead to good comedy. Let's see what happened this week.

THE NEV-R-WINS 106.82 - THE PURPLE SWIRLS 81.54

I have reached a Zen state in my life and things are going well. When the Tea Partiers screamed against healthcare for all, I stopped reading the news. Now a bill with a public option has been submitted in Congress. When my team opened up this season 0-3, I stopped caring about fantasy football, and now I'm 4-3 after four straight 100+ point games. Only by letting go can you grab what you want.

But I still am not that confident. Though as if to remind me that the Fates are still in charge, I dropped Darren Sproles for Leon Washington on Friday. I was out of town and used my phone to do so, that's how badly I wanted to make the move. Not only was that a 15-point mistake, Washington broke his leg so severely that the fibula pierced his skin and he's out for the rest of the season.

This loss knocks Caulen out of the playoffs for now. Fortunately for him, no kicker was putting up 26 points this week, so his refusal to drop Mike Sims-Walker will never prove to be pound wise, penny foolish.


IRON CITY POUNDERS 97.82 - BROOKLINE BUCS 47.54

Why I do even bother?? uttered a faint voice in the night. Now that Scott Henry has let loose this koan, his team will rip off four straight wins of their own. Actually, probably not, since he has the wrong Dallas Austin. He has Austin Collie, he wants Miles Austin.

The Pounders won by 50 and they didn't even crack 100. What else do you want me to say about them?


ST. A'S CRUSADERS 110.22 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 102.84
The WBG needed 11 points from Chris Cooley on Monday night to win. What they got instead was a knee injury. When Cooley was being carted off the field, we saw that his hair was freshly dyed a light yellow. Not blond. He looked like Yahoo Serious. The Whiz-Bang Gang did not deserve 11 points from such a person. This team has now scored 60 and won and 102 and lost. Some year.

0.7 from Bradshaw. 4.8 from Barber. 2.3 from Breaston. 5.2 from Jennings, who has been incredibly disappointing this season. How did the Crusaders end up winning this game, anyway? Oh, that's right. Alex Smith came into the game down 21-0 and promptly threw three touchdowns to Vernon Davis.


FIREROCK ROCKERS 106.20 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 72.70

The Elbow's one-game winning streak was snapped in brutal fashion, despite Tomlinson's best rushing output of the year. 71 yards. Speaking of San Diego, we were down there this weekend to visit the Zoo and Wild Animal Park and even though we stayed in the restaurant- and bar-stuffed Gaslamp District, I have a kid, so I was stuck watching hotel TV Saturday night. I ended up watching Beer League. The acting is brutal, the dialogue is elementary-level, the whole thing is terrible and maybe one thing made me laugh. It reminded me of the Elbow in a lot of ways.

Matt Forte, the #5 overall pick in our league, had 4.9 points.


DEATHFROMABOVE 123.62 - DOPPELGANGER 59.74

By 0.06 points, this is our Toyota Blowout of the Week, ending Firerock's five-week run in the commercial spotlight. Doppelganger started two guys on a bye, including a kicker, and Tony Romo had 27 points by himself. I cannot overstate how much I am looking forward to my Week 10 matchup with this team.

Tom Brady, DeSean Jackson and Darren Sproles alone would've been enough to give DFA the win in this one.


TURD SANDWICH 150.26 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 86.52

One week after Nate wondered if my 143 was a league record, Turd Sandwich, aka Usain Bolt, throws up 150. Gates had 5.5, Tashard Choice had 2.3 and everybody else was well into double digits, including Nate Kaeding. Even Ryan Grant finally showed up for a game.

I was wrong about Brent Celek needing 4 points Monday night for a Shruggz win. Turns out, he needed 74.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

WVFL Week 7 Preview

LAST WEEK: 5-1
SEASON: 24-12

We are heading down to San Diego tomorrow so I can talk to Darren Sproles and see if I should start him this week. Okay, we're actually heading down to go the zoo and the wild animal park, which I assume is just a different where you could maybe be eaten.

So this week's preview is going to be quick and businesslike, much like my dispatching the Rockers last week.


THE NEV-R-WINS (3-3) at PURPLE SWIRLS (4-2)

I tried to trade Donovan McNabb to Caulen this week because his QB is on a bye. Then I remembered we were playing each other and frantically booted up the computer along the coffee maker in order to cancel the trade. By the time I was logged on, Caulen had already rejected the trade because he was going to pick up Chad Henne. I'm not sure what this says about either one of us, but I am sure that McNabb will have 30 points this week and Henne will have -2.

I like all of my matchups except for Sproles, who will either have two touchdowns or two touches. Carnell Williams and Donald Brown have nice matchups for Caulen, but they split carries. Plus, Tampa is playing in London, so Williams has to deal with the exchange rate. It's hard to fear Henne when he's only on the field for 65% of his team's snaps.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 101 - PURPLE SWIRLS 88


IRON CITY POUNDERS (3-3) at BROOKLINE BUCS (2-4)

Matt Ryan is going to sit back and pick apart Dallas, while it's entirely possible that Warner is hit so hard that Leinart comes into the game. The main thing about this matchup is that it'll come down to Monday with Westbrook against Moss.

On one side, a coach who only called 14 runs against the league's worst run defense. On the other, an organization falling apart in a way Washington hasn't seen in at least two years. While Brookline is yelling for more screens to Westbrook, the Pounders will be yelling for Todd Collins, who at least throws deep occasionally.

THE PICK: BROOKLINE BUCS 85 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 78


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (3-3) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (5-1)

On NFL Total Access today, Joey Porter said Miami's gameplan this week is to try and shut down the run and force Drew Brees to hit his targets. If that's the truth, the Crusaders are going to be ringing up points like they're playing pinball.

Thing is, with Rodgers going against Cleveland, the WBG should keep pace.

Thing is, Rodgers needs to keep the ball away from Jennings, because those would be Crusader points.

Thing is, he has been.

Thing is, Mendenhall isn't going too far against Minnesota.

Thing is, I've worn out this angle.

THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 110 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 103


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (1-5) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (3-3)

Well, we know which game is going to be on the Toyota ad come Tuesday. It'll be like watching somebody beat their kid in the auto maintenance aisle at Wal-Mart. Actually, I only said that because Firerock has five straight Toyota games. I think this one will be close.

I also think the Elbow will win. Again.

Manning and Jones have dream matchups, Lynch against Carolina isn't terrible and The Bullet Train should find his way back into the end zone against the Chiefs.

Whereas Portis and Forte will struggle, Maclin is an all or nothing player and Maroney will do nothing just because this is the week it seems like he'll do something.

THE PICK: THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 105 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 89


DOPPELGANGER (1-5) at DEATHFROMABOVE (4-2)

If you think bye weeks can't hurt a man, let me introduce you to the team starting Justin Fargas and Beanie Wells at RB. Of course, nobody actually thinks that about bye weeks. Everybody knows they're trouble, I was just creating a straw man as a literary device.

Clint, on the other hand, has created a straw man as a fantasy team. Proving for the one millionth time that luck and timing are 95% of fantasy football, DFA fields their weakest lineup the same week they face Doppelganger.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 71 - DOPPELGANGER 40


TURD SANDWICH (4-2) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (3-3)

Right now, Adrian Peterson has the 4th most fantasy points. Three quarterbacks are ahead of him and one of them is...Matt Schaub. Nothing else really stands out in this game, so it's mainly going to be decided by which player delivers an unexpected 20-pointer.

I am been tuned in on Shruggz games this season for some reason, so I feel like I need to dazzle them once again. How about this? The Shruggz will need 4.2 points from Brent Celek on Monday night to win...and only get 3.

THE PICK: TURD SANDWICH 95 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 94

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

WVFL Week 6 Review

THE NEV-R-WINS 143.06 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 83.98

You mathheads can take your ruuuuuuules and shove them. The two negatives of either the Nev-R-Wins or Rockers appearing in the Toyota ad should've created the positive of neither team getting blown out. Instead, things went haywire and I put up the highest total of the season, the anti-matter of fantasy football.

Ray Rice is rewarded both my foresight in drafting him and my patience is not shipping him to Panama when McGahee stole his early season touchdowns.

This may be the season where my crazy hex luck finally reverses, evidenced by Matt Forte's 4 points and terrible season after my trade offers for him were denied. And that would be the Higgs Boson of fantasy football.


WHIZ-BANG GANG 122.72 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 105.90

Larry is trying for the West View Triple Crown. He's currently leading the WVFL, his WVHL division and the Gatekeeper league. I have known Larry for 20 years now (oh God!) and I can assure you that this would be the greatest achievement of his life.

DeAngelo Williams finally did something this week and the WBG needed every bit he had to pull out the win. Brandon Jacobs did nothing this week and the Pounders needed a lot more from him.


PURPLE SWIRLS 112.20 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 102.86

Well, Josh Scobee did not actually decide this game. And the Crusaders won't do any Tuesday morning quarterbacking after a close loss because their entire bench had a bye, so no problems with the lineup. Except for Greg Jennings' 6.40 points. Wasn't he supposed to be good this year or something?

The Swirls are 4-2 with the 10th most points in the league. They're about to exposed like that weird UFO balloon family in Colorado. Unless Owen Daniels keeps scoring two TDs a week.


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 101.76 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 90.82

This year, I've picked the Lions to beat the Redskins in one pool and I picked the Elbow to win this game. Asking me to choose a favorite upset pick would be like asking Mr. and Mrs. Emanuel to pick a favorite son. The Hollywood superagent, the White House Chief of Staff or the world-respected surgeon?

This game features career bests from Thomas Jones and Wes Welker, but the career normal average game from Reggie Bush did the Shruggz.

By the way, please nobody bring Nate down off of his cloud by mentioning that if the Shruggz started Cutler instead of Eli, they would've won by 2.

Side Trivia - Reggie Bush and Vince Young were the #2 and #3 picks in the same draft. No, seriously!


DEATHFROMABOVE 129.00 - BROOKLINE BUCS 118.24

DFA took to the skies after being grounded the last two weeks and the Bucs lost despite posting their highest total of the season. If only that dang John Carlson could've done more than 5.5 points. Cleveland's decision to leave Hines Ward uncovered didn't pay off for them, but Coach Dickface's decision to have Tom Brady gunning up 45-0 paid off for DFA, as Brady racked up 39.20 points.

Somehow Sammy Morris only got 0.9 of the 59 points New England put up. And Willis McGahee, your days of usefulness are over.


TURD SANDWICH 93.88 - DOPPELGANGER 74.92

The most impressive thing Clint has done this season is figured out how to make his team name totally invisible and unclickable. Other than that, it's been a lot of single-digit efforts.

Man, I'm so old, I remember when Steve Smith was good.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

WVFL Week 6 Preview

LAST WEEK: 5-1
SEASON: 19-11

THE NEV-R-WINS (2-3) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (3-2)
The two teams that have been in the Toyota Blowout of the Week the first five weeks finally meet, ensuring that neither will end up sponsoring Toyota this week. Another irony will come if the difference in this game is Matt Forte doing nothing, since I tried to trade for him twice.

McNabb and Roethlisberger will both go off, pretty much cancelling each other out. Both defenses face pathetic offenses and both receiving corps are primed for action. In the twist of the century (admittedly, the century is only 9 years old), this game will be decided by Cedric Benson. But in a good way. That's the twist.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 115 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 110


IRON CITY POUNDERS (3-2) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (4-1)

Vegas loves the WBG after last week when they won $98 million dollars on the WBG and DFA staying under 180 combined points. Shoot, they almost stayed under 100 combined points.

This week, DeAngelo Williams and Steve Slaton vie for the disappointing back of season non-award, while Rodgers tries to see if he can double Ryan's total. Between Lynch being back, the Jets defense and the Bills down to their 13th offensive lineman, Fred Jackson will do nothing. But for the Pounders, Jacobs has been doing nothing.

What a stinky game. Stick with the WBG, I guess.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 85 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 76


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (3-2) at PURPLE SWIRLS (3-2)

Due to our, ahem, colorful commissioner, the bye weeks and short bench are starting to take an effect on teams. The Swirls and Crusaders this week held negotiations about possibly benching the Swirls kicker because the Crusader kicker was on a bye. This is like early years ABA stuff we're talking here. In the end, the Crusaders dropped Garrard for Josh Scobee, who will almost certainly have 15 points this week and decide the game.

The game of the week, Giants/Saints is well-represented here, with four different players in the lineups. The Crusaders are hoping it's another melee in the Superdome, as they have three of them.

If Greg Jennings is going to get going, this is the week. If Carnell Williams is going to get going, this would have to be 2006 again.

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 88 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 71


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (0-5) at ATLAST SHRUGGZ (3-2)

The Elbow and Titans are both 0-5, but only one of those is a surprise. Both teams have quarterback issues, both teams have a disappointing #2 back, both teams have a defense not as good as everybody assumed, both teams have iffy receiving corps, only one team is led by a mustachioed man and both teams are going to lose this week.

The Shruggz have a defense on the roster, Cincinnati, but as of now, they're benching them. What a slap in the face to Nate. You know what, Nate is my friend. I like him so much that we remained friends after he proved a clear inferiority in cookie selection.

I'm reversing course and tabbing this game my EIGHT-STAR UPSET SPECIAL OF THE SEASON!

THE PICK: THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 83 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 81


BROOKLINE BUCS (2-3) at DEATHFROMABOVE (3-2)

The Bucs have gone L-W-L-W-L and Deathfromabove has gone W-W-W-L-L. I am great at the pattern detection part of the SATs and IQ tests, so I'm going with the Bucs in this one.

When I see Sammy Morris and McGahee (vs. MIN), and realize that both Jacksons will be covered by two of the best corners in the game, my pick is just reinforced.

Johnson should be able to run on New England, assuming the Titans aren't down 28-10 early, Westbrook will most definitely score on the Raiders and the Chiefs are going to beat the Redskins on a 4th quarter Dwayne Bowe touchdown. Book it, Danny.

THE PICK: BROOKLINE BUCS 92 - DEATHFROMABOVE 77


DOPPELGANGER (1-4) at TURD SANDWICH (3-2)





As for Turd Sandwich, they just have the better lineup.

THE PICK: TURD SANDWICH 110 -

Monday, October 12, 2009

WVFL Week 5 Review

Another 5-1 week for the picks. That's now two weeks of 5-1 and three weeks of 3-3. I'm nothing if not consistenly inconsistent.

THE NEV-R-WINS 112.06 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 98.96

With Rivers out, I was between picking up McNabb or Favre, and seeing that four teams needed a QB fill-in, used my high waiver priority to get McNabb. If I ended up with Favre, I lose this game by 0.38 points and surely write the longest review rant of all time. But instead, something I did in fantasy football actually worked out. Sorry Mayans, looks like your prediction for the end of the world was off by three years. But hey, great job without telescopes, you guys.

On the one hand, I feel bad that Nate has averaged 65 points a game and lost the one game in which he finally put up some offense. The one in which Kellen Winslow put up six games' worth of points. On the other hand, I desperately needed a win and Nate's unlovable bunch of losers aren't going anywhere, so I don't give a shit.

And it's no surprise the Elbow went off this week. I have the highest points against by 34 points. I've had 122 more points against me than DFA has had. I have the 3rd most points in this league and I'm in 9th place. I'll take whatever win I can get.


IRON CITY POUNDERS 93.36 - PURPLE SWIRLS 68.24

Can somebody check the math on the Pounders box score? How does a team with a 5, 4.4, 5.5 and 4 end up with 93 points. Yeah, I see Ryan and Minnesota were good, but geez. Also, the Giants put up 44 points, but Brandon Jacobs only had 7.5? Is he no longer their #1 back?

Bad performances for the Pounders didn't matter so much because the bad performances for the Swirls were more numerous. And also worse. Cadillac Williams' 1.6 is a surprise because it was so high, and Mike Sims-Walker being a healthy scratch for violating team rules could've been much more devastating (and hilarious!) if the entire Swirls team wasn't with him in spirit.


FIREROCK ROCKERS 143.28 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 65.22

This will make four straight trips into the Toyota zone for the Rockers with them getting top billing in the last two. And if LeSean McCoy wasn't invisible this week, it could've been even more ridiculous. Ben dominated as expected, Roddy White dominated way more than anybody expected and even Housh showed up, which was unexpected.

It's hard to get too down on a team that started two empty slots, but without Ahmad Bradshaw's big day, this would've been a 100-point loss. And it doesn't get much more down than that.


WHIZ-BANG GANG 62.88 - DEATHFROMABOVE 47.10

You will not find a clearer example of the injustice and luck of fantasy football than the Whiz-Bangers putting up 62 points against what was the highest-scoring team in the league...putting up the 2nd lowest total in the league this week against the first place team...getting 1 total point from Mason, Cooley and Miami combined...and winning. Excuse me, and FUCKING winning.

DFA got clipped by a missile from Caulen last week and hit the ground at 300 mph this week. Pieces of the tail were found 250 miles away. Calvin Johnson, Desean Jackson and McGahee had 0.5 points COMBINED. That is a single 5-yard run. Tom Brady's 14.5 was the only double digit total. The Colts' 9 points was the second best total. Just a gruesome scene, with no trace of human remains.

By the way, the WBG have allowed 79, 79 and 47 points during this 3-game rise to the top. You want to crown their ass? Crown their ass! Me, I'll wait and see.


STRINGFELLOW HAWKS 104.94 - BROOKLINE BUCS 86.38

The Hawks had the good backs, the Bucs had the good receivers. Thing is, the good back were more in number and they were better.

John Carlson has not done a damn thing since scoring 20+ from the bench in Week 1, which is a weird way of rewarding Skip Henry for four straight starts. Tennessee's plummet back to Earth at terminal velocity is really taking a lot of the value off of Chris Johnson.

Matt Schaub only lost 2 fantasy points for floating a sideline pass that was intercepted and returned for the game-winning touchdown with two minutes left. Fantasy and Reality do not meet at this intersection, friend. This is Fantasy and Ridiculousness. Reality is five blocks south.


ATLAS SHRUGGZ 96.46 - DOPPELGANGER 93.94

When you're 2-3, have given up the most points in the league, are completely self-absorbed and also whiny, you tend to look for things to complain about. Fortunately, in the WVFL, you don't have to look far. Take this game for instance, in which Atlas Shruggz moved to 3-2.

Clint, who checks his team every week, as judged by the constantly-morphing logos and names, did not care enough to enough to cut Greg Olsen for a fill-in tight end during Chicago's bye week. Nine different tight free agent tight ends had more than 3 points this week, enough to give Doppelganger the win.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

WVFL Week 5 Preview

LAST WEEK: 3-3
SEASON: 14-10

The picks have had one 5-1 week and then all 3-3 weeks. The picks are a one-hit wonder that are now playing state fairs. "Play that one song we know!"


THE NEV-R-WINS (1-3) at THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (0-4)

This game will prove the world's one true religion. If Nate wins, karma is in full effect and we should all become Buddhists. If I win, that means it's okay to be a pushy loudmouth and still find redemption, so we should all convert to...hmm, that's all of the others. Well, at least if I win, we can rule out Buddhism. And possibly Shinto, I think.

Because Antonio Bryant is in the lineup by force and not choice, he'll go back to doing nothing. Peyton will continue tearing up the league, but there's not too much else to fear here. True story: trade talks between Nate and me broken down this week when I realize he didn't have a single player I wanted.

God, I need to win this one.

Coffee proved last week that he's an iffy fill in, but the Atlanta defense is terrible. Moss should be blanketed by Champ Bailey, but Johnson, Holmes and McNabb should be more than enough. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go light some prayer candles.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 88 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 71


IRON CITY POUNDERS (2-2) at PURPLE SWIRLS (3-1)

Pierre Thomas' bye is forcing Caulen to trot out one ugly backfield this week. I thought Cadillac Wiliams was hurt again, but Caulen is playing him, Kevin Smith is dinged up and facing Pittsburgh and Donald Brown is facing Tennessee, which is not as good as it used to be, but still. Flacco should have some trouble against a surprisingly good Cincinnati defense and Fitzgerald needs to take out Boldin's knee in warmups if he wants to have a good game. He also needs to replace Warner's arm.

It is not too early to call the Terrell Owens Buffalo years a failure. It might be too early to say years and not year. Santana Moss either catches a bomb or nothing, and the Niners should contain Matt Ryan. But Jacobs, Slaton and Minnesota have the kind of matchups you wait all season for. Can just three positions carry the Pounders? Since Caulen only has one good position this week, sure.

THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 85 - PURPLE SWIRLS 76


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (3-1) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (2-2)

Here is the "smack" that the Crusaders and Rockers have posted on their matchup board.

St. A's CrusadersOctober 8, 9:50 am
You caught me on a good week, I can't field a complete line-up.

Firerock RockersOctober 8, 1:06 pm
you still have a good chance. I have portis who sucks and bad wr's.And can only hope McCoy plays.

It's like watching two chubby nerds at Comic-Con try convince each other to ask Eliza Dushku for her phone number. Pathetic!

But accurate. The Crusaders don't have a kicker yet, three players are on a bye, they have four running backs, Brees is on a bye, Hester is on a bye and they aren't willing to cut Anthony Gonzalez even though he's been hurt all year.

Meanwhile, on the other side, Tony has Portis, who fought his fullback this week like the two guys from "The Program". Which means, of course, that Mike Sellers will pick up a key block at the goal line that allows Portis to score the winning touchdown. Just like in "The Program!" James Caan will be happy. Also, Ben will destroy Detroit.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 77 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 75 - OUTRAGE FROM ME WHEN I SCORE 90 AND LOSE BUT SOMEBODY WINS THIS GAME - INFINITE


WHIZ-BANG GANG (3-1) at DEATHFROMABOVE (3-1)

The winner of this one takes over the catbird seat in the WVFL. Fittingly, Yahoo! is predicting a 102-100 shootout. Which reminds me, here was Larry's comment to the Week 4 Review.

Jesus Christ, I'm averaging over 100 pts a week! My only loss was against Chris Johnson and the flukiest performance of the year. When am I ever good enough for you??!!I'd also like it noted that even if I played LJ vs. Mendenhall, I still would have won.

To keep him on a string, always guessing, I'm now going to say that he has the best team in the league and will prove it by winning this game. Constantly offering love and then mysteriously demanding more from somebody. It's how I'm training my daughter as well.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 250 - DEATHFROMABOVE 110


BROOKLINE BUCS (2-2) at STRINGFELLOW HAWKS (2-2)

There is absolutely nothing to not like about the Bucs' lineup this week and there's nothing to like about the Hawks'. Why waste any florid prose?

THE PICK: BROOKLINE BUCS 99 - STRINGFELLOW HAWKS 85


DOPPELGANGER (1-3) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (2-2)

If you want to know how this one will turn out, just watch the Vikings/Rams game. With every Peterson 8-yard game and every Jackson 1-yard loss, this game will grow more and more lopsided, like a soccer ball somebody sat on for too long.

Eli will play just long enough to throw two first quarter touchdowns and who cares about the other Shruggz because Doppelganger is a complete mess.

Romo probably actually isn't any good, LenDale is useless, it seems like Braylon Edwards' one good year was an aberration and they're starting Bye at tight end.

Take the points in this one, not Doppelganger.

THE PICK: ATLAS SHRUGGZ 103 - DOPPELGANGER 68

Monday, October 5, 2009

WVFL Week 4 Review

THE SELD-M-WINS 100.06 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 83.14
I almost redefined "self-fulfilling prophecy" Sunday morning. Within a 90-minute span, I had benched Steve Smith, predicted I would lose because I benched the wrong guys and then watched Smith score two touchdowns. Had I not already given up on the season, I would've broken something.

Idiot that I am, now I think I'm back in the mix.

The bookends of the first round, Peterson and Andre Johnson, combined for 16.1, which only would've made them the 3rd-best player in this matchup. The Steelers' 4th quarter swoons let Rivers pile up points and the fact that every Shrugg but Ronnie Brown and Cutler had single digits made the Steve Smith debacle moot. Thank goddamn Christ.

Hold on...goddamn Christ? I need to get Pope Benedict, Richard Dawkins and a Boulder, Colorado grad student on a conference call to see if I just opened a new paradox. If God is ominpotent, can he damn himself?


FIREROCK ROCKERS 111.42 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 82.48
The Rockers responded to two straight Toyota blowouts by posting the highest total of the week. Unfortunately, the Aaron Rodgers and Jared Allen mashup left the Rockers just short of a third-straight trip to the Toyota dealership, only on the good time this side. Good luck betting on this team the rest of the season.

Matt Forte finally proved he was worth the 5th overall pick, and all he needed was a terrible defense and a home game to do it. Ben continued leaping into elite status and basically the whole roster contributed a little something. Even Johnny Know. Aw, you guys!

Steve Slaton also had his first useful game of the season, but Tony Gonzalez put up the 0 I predicted he would (due to a bye) and the Pounders fell just short. Just 30 points short.


ST. A'S CRUSADERS 70.30 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 65.42
You know, here I am mocking your Lord at 1-3 and the guy who pays him tribute is 3-1 after putting up just 70 points and winning. Is tied for first despite having the 8th most points in the league. I need to hit the religious supply store tomorrow and buy a rosary.

Although, truly, what greater blessing is there than a game against the Elbow? One of the greatest season of Peyton Manning's career is going to be completely wasted by Nate. 1.4 points for Tomlinson? 4.3 for Manningham? Thomas Jones' 10 was the 2nd-best effort of the week for the Elbow.

Willie Parker was out, Breaston was on a bye and A-tony Gonzalez is hurt, so the Crusaders were forced to play a gimpy Marion Barber...who was miraculously healed in time to score a touchdown. Scoring 70 points and winning ranks right up there with the loaves and fishes. 3-1 with a 70-point win. Ugh. I'm 1-3 with a 100-point loss. Maybe some religion would leave me less bitter. But I think we only get one go-round and it's being wasted! Argh!

But if anybody should be bitter, it's Nate. Especially when he realizes that if he started Antonio Bryant over Tomlinson, he would've won by 4 points.


PURPLE SWIRLS 87.36 - DEATHFROMABOVE 81.82
DFA looked at all of the kill stickers they had slapped on the fuselage, got cocky, flew too low and got zinged by a ground-to-air missile. The return of Marshawn Lynch did indeed bring Fred Jackson down to Earth, Vincent Jackson never took flight and I don't have a flying metaphor about Brady and Calvin Johnson, but their good games were wasted.

Joe Flacco is indeed fantasy relevant, but Eddie Royal has been a total bust for a 4-0 Bronco team. Fortunately, Pierre Thomas is showing up right on time.


WHIZ-BANG GANG 108.56 - STRINGFELLOW HAWKS 79.76
Before we give the Gang too much credit for starting Mendenhall, his only other option was the ghost of Larry Johnson. You want my love, boy? You're gonna have to earn it! And that's how jerkoff sales manager who are too competitve at coed softball are born.

Mendenhall tore up the Chargers and Aaron Rodgers was either getting sack or completing a long pass. Sacks don't count against QBs, so good night for Rodgers. I think one thing we can all agree on is that Roy Williams sucks.

Not much balance from the Hawks this week. 24 points from Gates, 4 from Harvin. 15 from Ocho, 4 from Julius Jones. Ladies, aren't you tired of all the yo-yo dieting?!


BROOKLINE BUCS 71.30 - DOPPELGANGER 48.80
This game was a disgrace to the good name of fantasy football.