AFFL Week 11 Preview

LAST WEEK: 5-1
SEASON: 45-16

45 and 16! I am positive that you all do not appreciate how impressive that is. It's the only thing I've done right this year.

Actually, I've also done an excellent job of delivering terrific music and video content this season and it stills irks me that Gary is just categorically closed off to any new experiences. Who wants to live like that? To get Gary to finally understand what he's been missing out on all season, allow me to present a brand new song that is one of the greatest things I've ever heard.




Amazing. Neal McCoy has really given me a lot of think about.

But hey, music is subjective. I get that. But who would go out of their way to not have chuckles at the end of the week? Who would not enjoy watching some Scottish guys yell at their friend because he got hit by a bus?





FOOK OFF, ALI!

I could laugh at that 10 times in a row. And look at me! I love life! Maybe Gary wouldn't be so tense all the time if he rocked some more chuckles.

Anyway, there's a lot to cover this week and very little of it is actually about the games, so find a comfortable chair.

Oh wait. First, remember a couple of weeks ago when I wasted my time trying to turn you guys onto black Twitter and said Anthony Adams was a good starting point? Guess who is getting a new TV show? Correct, former Nittany Lion Anthony Adams.

Seriously, Larry will tell you. I am always head of the curve. I can keep you guys cool as your bodies start to break down. But I can only reach my hand out halfway.


THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (3-7) vs. THE NIGHT BOYS (3-7)
Hey, I know I'm not very good, but Barker is starting Bort Blakles against me? AND two tight ends? Is this to win a bet? Or is this a lottery tank? Brother, if you think you can out tank me...actually. Shoot, I think I'm going to win this game. I don't want to win games! I might need to make some "strategic" lineup decisions.

THE PICK: TNB 54 - TDHGNM 50


THE NATIONAL RAZOR (6-4) vs. LITTLE BABY JESUS (4-6)
Sticking with pettiness for a second, I forgot the guy who shot up a Colorado Wal-Mart when I was winning the slaughter battle 2-1. Now with this maniac in Northern California this week, it's actually 4-1 domestic violence white guys over ISIS in the past 6 weeks. I'm running away with this argument!

PS, thanks to a quick-thinking teacher and lockdown drills, by like one minute we avoided having like 45 kids slaughtered at their school. It barely made the news.

But yeah, ISIS. Oooooooooh! ISIS GONNA GETCHA! The only time ISIS threatened you guys is when I was the #1 team in the league two straight years.

While we're talking about Gary's bad takes, what the hell is the deal with O.J. Howard this season? Gary drafted "the next Gronk," cut him twice before the season even had a crust on it, signed him to a 2-year deal in Week 8 and then cut him again before the freeze. Occasionally I wonder if Gary knows what he's doing.

Also, I somehow missed Luck being cut (maybe didn't scroll down in the email), but Devonta Freeman is rewarding Gary for his new franchise spot by missing this week's game with a concussion.

Speaking of weird decisions, Semi put Chris Carson on IR early this year and cut Jordy Nelson at the freeze, but he didn't give Carson a contract. Will Fuller and Corey Davis got contracts instead. Semi will head into 2018 with an All-Pro(tential) WR corps between Fuller, Davis, and Tyreek. If you're curious how locking up a bunch of young, potentially great receivers goes, just ask me.

I really want Gary to miss the playoffs this year so I end up with 2 lottery picks, so I'll pick him to lose this game.

THE PICK: LBJ 68 - TNR 64


WTTK? (4-6) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (8-2)
McCamey heads into 2018 with Derrick Henry and Joe Mixon, two young guys who are supposed to be great but haven't been great enough to take the starting jobs. He also has Larry's first two picks, which will be fun to watch.

Tim made an early decision to sign Jordan Howard, didn't move Kelvin Benjamin so he loses DeAndre Hopkins this summer, and he kept Jared Goff, all of which prevented him from signing Mark Ingram during a career year. Sure, this late in the year, extending Ingram would've jacked up his price to something crazy like $1.92. Which, uh, is what he's currently paying for Jordan Howard.

But this is the Year Of Tim, so I am not going to question it.

I tell you what, though. If McCamey gets somebody in the starting lineup to replace Bilal Powell's bye, Monday night's Richardson vs. Coleman matchup is going to be a lot more interesting than you might expect.

THE PICK: SS 78 - WTTK 72


RUSSELLMANIA (6-4) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (3-7)
Brian signed Josh Gordon to a a 3-year what the hell contract, which is exactly what I was thinking about doing myself. I just got tired of ending up with bust contracts on my balance sheet. 

Also, look at Brian's roster sheet. Look at how many players he ran through! Usually it's only Chris who touches 20+ players a year. This year, only Meyers and Brian Williams avoided going through players like they were chips, and that's because Bri runs both of those teams. Anecdotal to be sure, but more evidence that this was a weird year. Everybody changing their minds on who they wanted every week.

THE PICK: RM 75 - TWR 60


ASSTANNER (7-3) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (5-5)
I'm great at picking games each week, but even you dum dums can figure this one out. Which is fine, because this matchup provides a lot of tangential subjects.

First, I enjoyed Madden view for last night's game, but having the mic close enough to hear an o-lineman yell out "Got 'em!" when the Titans jumped offside before the first TD was outstanding. Any sports league could increase viewership 1000% with full, uncensored field-level audio. I also enjoyed how clearly that view showed that Demarco Murray has terrible vision. God, he sucks. And he just never goes away.

Second, I loved that ESPN article today about Jerry Jones going after Gooddell, and then I loved it even more when video of Jones denigrating black people somehow magically leaked this afternoon. Amazing how that happens sometimes. I still think Roger Gooddell is a genuinely dumb guy, unable to anticipate or understand contrarian thoughts, but somebody at least taught him revenge.

As for roster talk, Scott gave Zach Ertz a contract and did a good job moving guys around so he could keep Fournette. But then he signed Dez for 2 years after giving up a 2nd rounder for him, which I'll call...debatable.

Chris gave Thielen a 2-yr deal after our trade. Since I am open and honest, early in the season, I was between Martavis, Thielen, and Hyde as far who would get my 2-yr deals. I did not choose wisely. None of my last four 2-yr contracts - Ware, Chris Michael, Martavis, Hyde -  will see their contracts through to the final day.

Then again, Mike Barker cut 4 different 2-yr deals just this year, so I can't be doing that bad.

THE PICK: TDHAF 112 - AT 74


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (6-4) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (5-5)
Bri can't lose this game!

But seriously, folks, Bri Williams came at via email this week, which I thought was a little weird. I don't know why so many of you are also so eager to point out my shortcomings, jumping at any chance to put me down. It seems really small and I'm not sure where it comes from.

Short version was he claimed that this was actually not a bad fantasy year, I just think it is because I'm having a bad year. The top teams are scoring just as many points as they have in past years. I didn't have time to look into it at the moment, so I conceded that he was probably right. But at the same time, I told him that I had been referring to the abnormal amount of 30- and 40-point games we had seen at the lower end this season. Additionally, the draft usually doesn't match the final stats too closely, but this year had a large amount of random and fluky players having huge games while Julio posts a 7 every week.

But tonight I do have time! I also have just as much pettiness as I ever did. So I went back and looked at 2013-2017, comparing the average PPG of the top three teams and the bottom three teams.

YEAR           TOP 3 PPG                BOTTOM 3 PPG
2017               87/89/90                     58/64/66
2016               92/93/94                     68/72/73
2015               88/91/92                     58/70/75
2014               90/92/102                   69/74/77
2013               92/93/95                     70/71/71

Clearly I am right and Bri is wrong because points are indeed down this season. Now, true, at the top end it's only a 6% decline from the best season. But at the bottom end, scoring is down 15%. So somehow I'm right twice in the same point.

But further, I'd say the craziest name in last year's Top 10 WR scoring was Davante Adams. This year, Adam Thielen, Tyreek Hill, Robby Anderson, JuJu, and Robert Woods are all in the top 10. Last year's surprise Top 10 RB was Jordan Howard, a rookie. This year's Top 10 right now has 3 rookies, Hunt, Kamara, and Fournette, plus Chris Thompson. The SAINTS actually have TWO Top 10 RBs right now.

So yes, this is a wild, unpredictable year, and the worst teams in the league are worse than normal, making it a boring year as well. When nothing makes sense, it only makes sense that a guy who was top 3 in PGG in both 2014 and 2015 (me) has lost this year.

A point to Bri, though, is that the 2018 first round is not going to be nearly as deep as I originally anticipated thanks to some crafty contract moves at the deadline. My team still wasn't going anywhere this year, but all of the picks I've landed aren't going to be as valuable as I had hoped.

Bri cut Crowell, like we all knew he had to, and kept DeShaun. So next year we'll all be treated to emails like "You can have Cam for a 1st round pick, or DeShaun for your next nine 1st rounders. You know it's worth it! They're so cheap!"

He also kept 2 defenses after the freeze, which...okay?

I was initially skeptical about Meyers (more like...BRYERS!) giving JuJu a 2-yr deal, but then I saw he was a Top 10 WR so far. Man! Weird year.

THE PICK: TKSMB 83 - AH 71

AFFL Week 10 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2
SEASON: 39-15

I don't want to get off (start off?) on a tangent here, but the start of last night's game was a pretty interesting scene. Not the Seahawks highlighter uniforms, which are unbearably ugly and stupid. It was the moment of silence for the victims of yet another AR-15 slaughter. That's interesting enough since they seem to be bi-weekly at this point. We might as well just leave our flags at half-mast permanently.

Side note: Did I ever mention the semi-heated discussion Gary and I after the San Bernardino shooting? He was worried about ISIS breaking into his house and teabagging his forehead while he slept, and my point of view was that he had a better chance of being killed by a white guy at South Hills Village. Well, I'm currently winning our slaughter matchup 2-1 this season. Hurrah!

Anyway, it's NFL Propaganda Month for "the troops." So there's a moment of silence for the people killed by an Air Force veteran, then Kristen Chenoweth - a vocal LGBTQ supporter and Trump opponent - sings the National Anthem while wearing an Army green Cardinals jersey. With rhinestones studding the numbers on her chest. Then we cut to the sidelines where defensive coordinators are wearing Army green hoodies with fake bars on the left breast. How do we support the troops? With 4 percent of net proceeds from a marketing venture! America!

I'm not quite sure I have the words to express how I feel about all of this. I might need...




At first, I was a little irked about Gary's loud boast (?) that he's ignoring all embedded media in the posts this year. Then I realized that when you've already discovered sonic perfection, why waste the next 27 years listening to anything new? When you're on top of Everest, the only way to go is down.

If you're wondering - and I have no idea why you would be - "More Than Words" has 93 million streams on Spotify. Not as many as some Ed Sheeran song which is over 1 billion, but it's 3 times as many as "Panama", which I think should become the new national anthem.

Seriously though, all of the music is good and all of the clips are funny. If you didn't take 20 seconds to watch Jameis eat his fingers so you could have one small chuckle in this horrible world, fine. Be miserable until you're dead. Me, I'll be chuckling at GIFs in hospice care, going out amused.


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (4-5) vs. THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (3-6)
I'm not going to win this game. But I might have had more fun this year trading for picks than I've had actually competing in past seasons. It's like when I play Grand Theft Auto and have more fun doing the side missions than the actual story. Although I've landed so many picks next year - 6 in the first 2 rounds! - that there will be a lot of pressure to build a good team in 2018.

Which I'll then trade for more picks.

THE PICK: TDHAF 71 - TDHGNM 50


THE NATIONAL RAZOR (5-4) vs. THE NIGHT BOYS (3-6)
When Gary approached me about Hyde on Monday, he warned that if I wrote anything about it, all trade talks were immediately off. Off, he tells ya! After the deal was completed, he said I was free to tell everybody how I got the better of him. But I think it was just a regular good deal. Hyde is good, still under contract, and definitely better than anybody Gary would've taken with that pick anyway.

Anyway, this game. Did you realize that Barker has 3 Cowboys, 3 tight ends, 2 kickers, and 2 defenses? This is just a bizarre roster. And still, I'm not 100% convinced Gary will win this game. Both Dez and T.Y. might miss the game, and there's nobody great on the bench to sub in. Kamara and Thompson both face good defenses, and Hyde and Jones should be good this week, but how many times has "should" fizzled out in the past 368 days?

Freeman has been a bust, Cooks won't score against Denver...I guess the difference will be a garbage time DST TD for the Panthers on Monday night.

THE PICK: TNB 83 - TNR 80


ASSTANNER (6-3) vs. LITTLE BABY JESUS (4-5)
Not sure what's more hilarious. Chris losing Zeke and his chances at a threepeat, or Jerry Jones being willing to blow up the entire NFL because Gooddell dared to suspend one of his guys. Speaking of the NFL, we're clearly past the peak. Two years ago, both fantasy football and the NFL were at their peaks. Everybody was joining in, like the poker boom. But also like the poker boom, a bunch of people have taken stupid losses, become disillusioned and quit. The NFL is no longer inevitable.

And what about this game? Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. Jacoby Brissett? This is supposed to be fun? Semi needs this win to stay in the playoff race This is like an all-in with 4-4 against J-10 off suit.

Damien Williams, Corey Davis, and Ted Ginn? My word.

THE PICK: AT 85 - LBJ 47


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (5-4) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (3-6)
Bri asked me what DeSean would cost this week, and I told him a 5th. Before he responded to me, he picked up Terrence Williams. Then he told me both Williams and Jackson are equally bad, but at least Williams was free. Very insulting stuff.

Look...I mean...look at Bri's roster this year. This roster is FUCKING TERRIBLE. And yet Bri will be 6-4 after this week.

Again, whomever wins the title should feel more shame than pride. This is a terrible, awful, trash, shit year. It'll be like the 2000 Best Album Grammy when Santana and Rob Thomas beat out the Backstreet Boys, Dixie Chicks, and TLC. Meaningless. Worthless.

THE PICK: TKSMB 59 - TWR 55


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (7-2) vs. RUSSELLMANIA (6-3)
Carlos Hyde would be Brian's best RB and he used a 1st round pick on Terrelle Pryor, so I don't know what he's going on about.

Here's something interesting. Evan Engram has reached double digits for 3 weeks in a row. He might be better than O.J. Howard, even. I don't like Miller to do much against the Rams stacking the box, so Barker will get nothing from his backs. Tim, on the other hand, should get some nice, nice points from Coleman, Ingram, and Howard, so let's go on ahead and just give him the win.

Two weeks in a row Tim had to face a top team for control of the #1 seed, two weeks in a row Tim comes out on top. Truly, this is the year of Tim!

THE PICK: SS 86 - RM 73


WTTK? (4-5) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (4-5)
I thought Bilal Powell looked pretty lively last week. He could be really good on the right team. That's the only good thing I can think of for McCamey this week. As hard as it is to believe, the team with Sterling Shepherd and Paul Richardson at WR is not going to win this week. Le'Veon Bell might win this game by himself.

THE PICK: AH 71 - WTTK 50

AFFL Week 9 Review

I don't know if it was because I finally got to watch some football this weekend or just a coincidence, but like 4 really funny things happened in games this weekend. Chief among these funny things was Tyreek Hill's TD that ended the first half. Too short to be a Hail Mary pass, it was more like a Peace Be With You. A 40-yard jog and then he turned into a...





WAIT. The Terror Division? Somebody actually took up Gary on this dumbass division naming idea and THAT'S what they came up with? Jesus Christ.

THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 73.3 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 57.3 👍
Yeah, I won but my team just cannot get above 80. It's the Ford Tempo of fantasy teams. If my team was better, I'd take more credit for my Brissett and Watkins pickups combining for 30 points, giving me the win, but who cares?

Let's just talk trades.

Hyde is gone in a fun deal, but I still have the 9th-best kicker. Doesn't sound like much, except he's played 3 fewer games than everybody ahead of him and only costs $1. Only a buck for the best PPG kicker in the league!

Thielen has the 2nd most receiving yards. Watkins was wide open deep last week for an easy TD, Desean is facing the terrible Jets secondary this week with Mike Evans suspended, and Devontae Booker led the Broncos is carries this week.

But the trade target everybody is sleeping on is...the Jaguars. Yeah, I limited my potential trade partners when I franchised them, but they are the 7th cheapest DST in the league. By the way, they're #1 in points. In fact, relative to position, they are the best value in the entire league. The gap from #1 QB to #2 QB? 6 points. #1 RB to #2? 8 points. The gap from the Jags to the #2 DST? 16 points.

Great trade target for a few key competitive teams out there.


THE NATIONAL RAZOR 95.1 - ANIMAL HOUSE 80.5 👍
T.Y. Hilton has two 20+ point games this year. He also has 2 games with under 2 points. Going further, he has an 18 point game, and then every other week is single digits. He is like sweetened, condensed A.J. Green and he is absolutely going to cost Gary a playoff game.

Alvin Kamara, who is probably Gary's first really good find since Devonta Freeman, went off for 26.2 points. He and Freeman combined for 32 points. C.J. Anderson had 1.3 and Will Fuller's TD streak did, in fact, come to an end. Way down on the bench, The Next Gronk(tm) had -0.4 points. 1 catch on the day, which he fumbled. He actually wasn't the worst Razor, since the Bengals posted a -0.5.

On the happy side, Matt Stafford threw 2 TDs last and neither one was to Golden Tate, so Gary was able to salt away this win.

Back on the sad side, while we're talking QBs, Jim Irsay came out and said all of Andrew Luck's problems are "mental." So Jim Irsay had a generational QB fall into his lap to replace the last generational QB that he had, then proceeded to give him a terrible GM, a terrible coach, no offensive line, and now that he can't throw because his shoulder is fucked up, essentially said it's all in his head. That should all go well in 2018.


LITTLE BABY JESUS 95.7 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 92.7 👎
I said Semi would only score 54 this week, so this was not a particularly good pick. Bri luck took a brief break this week, as he would've won if he started Tyrod over Cam, or if he started Ajayi over Crabtree. He was also unlucky in that Damien Williams of all people scored a TD, and Marshawn Lynch had his best game of the year with 2 TDs.

Oh, plus that Tyreek Hill TD, which absolutely should've been stopped.

Going back to that Raiders game for a second, when Marshall Newhouse scooped up that Carr fumble and turned the corner, I thought for sure he had open field in front of him and was going to run 17 yards for the first down.

Mistakes were made. pic.twitter.com/IHm9WFJY7S

— Marshall Newhouse (@MNewhouse73) November 6, 2017

Noooooooooooope.

Former Bears OL Anthony Adams, who is great on Twitter and a great entry way into the wild and wonderful world of Black Twitter, helpfully put some miked up audio over this heroic run.

This is @MNewhouse73 wired for sound pic.twitter.com/GxsMxaMol0

— ANTHONY ADAMS (@spiceadams) November 7, 2017

It's really just the little things for me any more. That's all I need.


WTTK? 54.4 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 47.3 👎
I did predict 48 points for Scott this week, so that was good. Problem is, McCamey beat expectations by 22.

Bri, I know you scored 92 points and could've stayed in the race for the #1 seed, but you lost. McCamey won, though. Got himself back in the playoff race and everything.

Chris, I know you scored 75 points and could've taken the lead for the #1 seed, but you lost. McCamey won, though. Got himself back in the playoff race and everything.

Mike Barker, I know scored 68 points and could've stayed alive in the playoff race, but you lost. McCamey won, though. Got himself back in the playoff race and everything.

Meyers, I know you don't read this so I'll stop here.

What a roller coaster ride this season has been for Scott. Loses 4 to start, wins the next 4, benches Matt Forte's 21.6 points on Thursday night, finds out Sunday that Fournette is being suspended for 1 game for breaking team rules, has literally no other active players on his roster this week, eats the 0 and loses an important game by 7.

Also, when he picked up Trent Taylor, I thought maybe he still plays Madden on Xbox and that somehow accidentally emailed us a fake player he picked up in year 2031 franchise mode. But no, Trent Taylor is real! And he's white! And Scott picked him up on purpose!

TRENT TAYLOR!

You know how far down you have to scroll to find Trent Taylor? Even with a name search! There are like 10 Taylors in the league! You have to really want Trent Taylor in order to pick him up.

Who the hell wants Trent Taylor?

Bizarre.

Speaking of bizarre, do you think Scott cut Jameis because he found out he gives the worst pregame speeches?


He wants. To Eat. The W.


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER 80.7 - ASSTANNER 75 👍
I got this text Saturday evening:

Obviously it was my number. But what if it wasn't? What does a person do with a random text that starts off like that? Definitely only can end in tears or sex. Maybe both.

But we were both right, the AFFL is boring as hell this year. Absolutely nothing is happening. I don't know if it's because McCamey's August moves were so bad that everybody was thrown off for a full season, or because nobody yet is truly a contender or a tanker, but I hope the Hyde trade gets things unclogged a bit.

Anyway, Chris lost because the Jets totally shut down Shady. I missed this during the game, but apparently the Jets were feeling quite festive during a TV timeout. And since memes are the backbone of the new media economy, people starting laying music over the whole thing.

I can't go to sleep because these #JetsDanceToAnything videos are just too good pic.twitter.com/sTsJ1WfL3n

— Alex Kantrowitz (@Kantrowitz) November 4, 2017

Stick around to at least 0:51.

I don't know who #33 is, but he is my new favorite Jets player in history, beating out...uh...I guess he's the first one I've liked.

Word in legal circles is that an absolute and final decision on Zeke should be delivered by Friday, and if he suspension is upheld, he's out of appeals to turn to. I hope so. Partially because I want to see Chris' season ruined (The prospect of having 2 lottery picks is very arousing) and partially because I just want it over with.

Tim won this game thanks to an all-around balanced effort, including 11 points from that effervescent Jets defense. The only downside is that Kareem Hunt's points go down every single week because he's getting the Andy Reid treatment. Reid has never known how to use a back properly, and every trick flip play that works just gets him more and more excited about shenanigans. Hunt had 28 yards on his first 3 carries, then finished the game with 9 total carries. A game the Chiefs lost, incidentally. Shameful.

Tim also won in part because DeAndre Hopkins caught the first TD pass of Tom Savage's career. Pitt is it!


RUSSELLMANIA 98.6 - THE NIGHT BOYS 68.3 👍
So yes, once again Mike Barker has the most Points Against and the worst record as we near the deadline. It's becoming an annual rite of passage.

This game would've been a lot funnier if Brian lost because Julio Jones dropped a 40-yard TD that hit him in the hands, but Adrian Peterson took care of that. All Marvin Jones did was run up the score.

Terror Division. Goddamn. Pathetic.

AFFL Week 9 Preview

LAST WEEK: 6-0
SEASON: 35-13

The two most admired, beloved, and respected owners in the league, Tim and Chris, face off for the inside track for the #1 seed. Yes, I dumped both of these teams into the Bad bucket in the Season Preview. Tickets are going fast for this thrilling matchup!





THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (2-6) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (3-5)
On the other hand, plenty of great seats are still available to watch Larry and me "battle" for last place. Yes, I gently placed both of these teams into the Good bucket in the Season Preview.

It would make sense for both of us to not even bother replacing our players on bye (or Brett Hundley) and just have a flat out tank off for the #1 overall pick. But, insanely, I'm only 2.5 games back for the 6th playoff spot with 6 games left. Larry is only 1.5 games out. Put that shovel down! We're not dead yet!

Actually, this gives me an idea for a(n) hilarious rule proposal for 2018.

If two teams in the bottom three (alt: eliminated from the playoffs) face each other after the roster freeze (alt: pick a week), the respective owners have to pick their opponent's starting lineup for that week. Opponents will send their lineup decisions to the Commissioner, who will set lineups prior to the opening kickoff.

This will prevent any gentlemen's agreements in which both teams tank the game, and also creates a fun Prisoner's Dilemma in which owners have to blindly decide which direction to go.

Anyway, because I am positively overflowing with integrity, I am going to try this week. Even though my proposed Marvin Jones pickup got cut off in traffic. I'm not thrilled to have Sammy Watkins back, but he was the best of a bad batch of available ballers.

As for this matchup, it features both Colts running backs, both starting Bucs receivers, and if Larry has the balls to start Cooper Kupp, both starting Rams receivers. It's a doozy. Win or lose, I just hope that Devontae Booker plays well enough that I can trade him to Gary.

THE PICK: TDHGNM 74 - TWR 66


ANIMAL HOUSE (4-4) vs. THE NATIONAL RAZOR (4-4)
When Gary was shopping Luck before the season started, I offered an 8th round pick for him. Gary, shockingly, scoffed. But I pointed out that I was the one taking the risk as there was no guarantee that Luck would play at all this season. Gary passed. So he could've had an extra 8th rounder and a wide open franchise slot for Devonta, but instead...

Not only that, the Falcons offense is a shambles, so it might not even be worth keeping Devonta. I guess he could franchise OJ Howard, who I am told is the next Gronk.

Also, not that it matters much, Pierre Garcon was also sent to the IR this week. CJ Anderson, who was once worth a 1st round pick in a trade in Gary's mind, has been sent to the bench in favor of John Brown, who is catching passes from...um...Drew Stanton? Speaking of, Will Fuller's totally unsustainable touchdown ratio will definitely not be sustained with Tom Savage at QB.

There are a lot of commonalities in this matchup. Three players from ATLvCAR, three from ARIvSF, two from NOvTB, Gary has two from HOUvIND, and both Meyers and Gary have a Lion playing Monday night.

Every player in this matchup is perfectly average, hence the identical .500 records of these two teams. Somebody has to make a difference, and if forced to choose, I guess I would pick Alvin Kamara over Eddie Lacy. But this game is going to be close enough that it will be fun knowing that Gary is sweating out every Stafford pass towards Golden Tate.

THE PICK: TNR 71 - AH 68


LITTLE BABY JESUS (3-5) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (5-3)
You're traditionally supposed to wait at least 10-12 weeks before announcing a pregnancy. This is NFL/AFFL Week 9, but considering how damn early we had our draft, it is possible that Semi was so excited to draft Tyreek Hill that he went home and ejaculated inside somebody to celebrate. I mean...we can't rule it out. Really redefined the phrase "breaking free in the open field."

Bri didn't manage to trade Deshaun Watson before his injury bomb struck. I guess with the new players, Bri isn't sure exactly when he has to trade them so somebody else is stuck with the injury. If you're wondering, though, Bri is not going to cut Watson. In fact, he still think he's worth a 1st round pick in a trade. So if you've always wanted to trade a 1st rounder for a QB who had an ACL tear in college, another one in his rookie year, and whose recovery timetable runs up to Week 1 of 2018, here's your chance. Watson is extremely good, though, so I am sure missing his second training camp ever and then facing pocket pressure on a freshly-healed knee will not set him back at all.

Hey, has anybody seen Robert Griffin lately?

Oh, also, with Ajayi's trade to Philly, Bri now has two useless running backs tying up contract slots that he wants to use on Deshaun Watson. Between that trade and Crowell being on a bye, Bri is forced to start Ty Montgomery, who has lost his starting job.

Hilariously, Bri benched Tyrod last night and he scored 26 points. Bri has yet to start the correct QB this season, though it hasn't yet led to a loss.

All this and Bri is still going to win. He's also beating Semi in reproduction, 5-1.

THE PICK: TKSMB 79 - LBJ 54


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (4-4) vs. WTTK? (3-5)
I offered Scott Ben for Jameis months ago. He refused, and now we both wasted cap money cutting them. The other bizarre part is, Jameis is most likely playing this week. Even if he's dinged up, Ben is on a bye, so that leaves Scott starting DREW STANTON. Not even Bruce Arians wants to start Drew Stanton.

Gordon is on a bye, AB is on a bye, Blount is facing the Denver defense, and Demarco Murray sucks. What a mess.

On the other hand look at McCamey. He's had 3 spots play already and he only had 6.4 points. And Kirk Cousins has to play in Seattle. What a disaster.

Okay, since this game is totally useless, let me share another way to improve your life. Eat pit beef. We were outside of Baltimore two weeks ago for a cousin's wedding, so I wanted to try a pit beef place after seeing Guy Fieri eat at like 12 of them over the years. If you hadn't tried it, they basically take a big top round, put on a grill over open flames, then use a deli slicer to make your sandwich. It's like a slighty smoky roast beef sandwich. Baltimore easily defeats Pittsburgh in the battle of signature sandwiches. Try one - or three - if you're ever in the area.

Jesus Christ. Look at these two teams. This is why I still think I can make the playoffs!

THE PICK: TDHAF 48 - WTTK 32


ASSTANNER (6-2) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (6-2)
Are you fucking kidding me with this Ezekial Elliott shit? This court watching is like trying to figure out if that first Muslim ban was gonna pass. This is absolutely ridiculous.

Also, let me get this straight. Jay Ajayi was running the ball decently (according to metrics types), but wasn't going anywhere because his line sucked. Then after Miami lost 40-0, Adam Gase called out his offense saying some dudes weren't even trying, and then the Dolphins traded him to Philly.

So you're telling me Kenyan Drake, who wasn't good enough to take away carries from Ajayi even though the head coach hated Ajayi so much that he literally didn't want to be within 1,000 miles of him, is going to be good behind the line Ajayi wasn't good behind?

Okay.

AJ will be shut down by the franchise-level Jags, Wentz has to face Denver, and Shady couldn't even manage a field goal last night.

Deandre is in a tough spot with Savage, but otherwise things are really turning up Milhouse.

THE PICK: SS 101 - AT 65


RUSSELLMANIA (5-3) vs. THE NIGHT BOYS (3-5)
Brother battle!


Here's fantasy football in a nutshell. If Older Barker had used his first 3 picks this year on Aaron Jones, Chris Thompson, and Alex Collins, we all would've lost our minds. Today, Thompson is the 8th-ranked RB, if you extrapolated Jones' 4 games into a full season, he'd be in the top 10, and Alex Collins has as many points as Joe Mixon or Derrick Henry.

Anyway, it's way past time for Julio Jones to catch a dang touchdown.

This is pretty bad schedule luck for The Night Boys, actually. I think they're about to have one of their classic weeks in which they score the 3rd-most points in the league but still lose.

THE PICK: RM 95 - TNB 86


If you were paying attention, you'll note that if these picks all come to pass, we'll have FIVE different teams with a 3-6 record. Catch the fever!