SEASON: 35-13
The two most admired, beloved, and respected owners in the league, Tim and Chris, face off for the inside track for the #1 seed. Yes, I dumped both of these teams into the Bad bucket in the Season Preview. Tickets are going fast for this thrilling matchup!
THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (2-6) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (3-5)
On the other hand, plenty of great seats are still available to watch Larry and me "battle" for last place. Yes, I gently placed both of these teams into the Good bucket in the Season Preview.
It would make sense for both of us to not even bother replacing our players on bye (or Brett Hundley) and just have a flat out tank off for the #1 overall pick. But, insanely, I'm only 2.5 games back for the 6th playoff spot with 6 games left. Larry is only 1.5 games out. Put that shovel down! We're not dead yet!
Actually, this gives me an idea for a(n) hilarious rule proposal for 2018.
If two teams in the bottom three (alt: eliminated from the playoffs) face each other after the roster freeze (alt: pick a week), the respective owners have to pick their opponent's starting lineup for that week. Opponents will send their lineup decisions to the Commissioner, who will set lineups prior to the opening kickoff.
This will prevent any gentlemen's agreements in which both teams tank the game, and also creates a fun Prisoner's Dilemma in which owners have to blindly decide which direction to go.
Anyway, because I am positively overflowing with integrity, I am going to try this week. Even though my proposed Marvin Jones pickup got cut off in traffic. I'm not thrilled to have Sammy Watkins back, but he was the best of a bad batch of available ballers.
As for this matchup, it features both Colts running backs, both starting Bucs receivers, and if Larry has the balls to start Cooper Kupp, both starting Rams receivers. It's a doozy. Win or lose, I just hope that Devontae Booker plays well enough that I can trade him to Gary.
THE PICK: TDHGNM 74 - TWR 66
ANIMAL HOUSE (4-4) vs. THE NATIONAL RAZOR (4-4)
When Gary was shopping Luck before the season started, I offered an 8th round pick for him. Gary, shockingly, scoffed. But I pointed out that I was the one taking the risk as there was no guarantee that Luck would play at all this season. Gary passed. So he could've had an extra 8th rounder and a wide open franchise slot for Devonta, but instead...
Not only that, the Falcons offense is a shambles, so it might not even be worth keeping Devonta. I guess he could franchise OJ Howard, who I am told is the next Gronk.
Also, not that it matters much, Pierre Garcon was also sent to the IR this week. CJ Anderson, who was once worth a 1st round pick in a trade in Gary's mind, has been sent to the bench in favor of John Brown, who is catching passes from...um...Drew Stanton? Speaking of, Will Fuller's totally unsustainable touchdown ratio will definitely not be sustained with Tom Savage at QB.
There are a lot of commonalities in this matchup. Three players from ATLvCAR, three from ARIvSF, two from NOvTB, Gary has two from HOUvIND, and both Meyers and Gary have a Lion playing Monday night.
Every player in this matchup is perfectly average, hence the identical .500 records of these two teams. Somebody has to make a difference, and if forced to choose, I guess I would pick Alvin Kamara over Eddie Lacy. But this game is going to be close enough that it will be fun knowing that Gary is sweating out every Stafford pass towards Golden Tate.
THE PICK: TNR 71 - AH 68
LITTLE BABY JESUS (3-5) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (5-3)
You're traditionally supposed to wait at least 10-12 weeks before announcing a pregnancy. This is NFL/AFFL Week 9, but considering how damn early we had our draft, it is possible that Semi was so excited to draft Tyreek Hill that he went home and ejaculated inside somebody to celebrate. I mean...we can't rule it out. Really redefined the phrase "breaking free in the open field."
Bri didn't manage to trade Deshaun Watson before his injury bomb struck. I guess with the new players, Bri isn't sure exactly when he has to trade them so somebody else is stuck with the injury. If you're wondering, though, Bri is not going to cut Watson. In fact, he still think he's worth a 1st round pick in a trade. So if you've always wanted to trade a 1st rounder for a QB who had an ACL tear in college, another one in his rookie year, and whose recovery timetable runs up to Week 1 of 2018, here's your chance. Watson is extremely good, though, so I am sure missing his second training camp ever and then facing pocket pressure on a freshly-healed knee will not set him back at all.
Hey, has anybody seen Robert Griffin lately?
Oh, also, with Ajayi's trade to Philly, Bri now has two useless running backs tying up contract slots that he wants to use on Deshaun Watson. Between that trade and Crowell being on a bye, Bri is forced to start Ty Montgomery, who has lost his starting job.
Hilariously, Bri benched Tyrod last night and he scored 26 points. Bri has yet to start the correct QB this season, though it hasn't yet led to a loss.
All this and Bri is still going to win. He's also beating Semi in reproduction, 5-1.
THE PICK: TKSMB 79 - LBJ 54
TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (4-4) vs. WTTK? (3-5)
I offered Scott Ben for Jameis months ago. He refused, and now we both wasted cap money cutting them. The other bizarre part is, Jameis is most likely playing this week. Even if he's dinged up, Ben is on a bye, so that leaves Scott starting DREW STANTON. Not even Bruce Arians wants to start Drew Stanton.
Gordon is on a bye, AB is on a bye, Blount is facing the Denver defense, and Demarco Murray sucks. What a mess.
On the other hand look at McCamey. He's had 3 spots play already and he only had 6.4 points. And Kirk Cousins has to play in Seattle. What a disaster.
Okay, since this game is totally useless, let me share another way to improve your life. Eat pit beef. We were outside of Baltimore two weeks ago for a cousin's wedding, so I wanted to try a pit beef place after seeing Guy Fieri eat at like 12 of them over the years. If you hadn't tried it, they basically take a big top round, put on a grill over open flames, then use a deli slicer to make your sandwich. It's like a slighty smoky roast beef sandwich. Baltimore easily defeats Pittsburgh in the battle of signature sandwiches. Try one - or three - if you're ever in the area.
Jesus Christ. Look at these two teams. This is why I still think I can make the playoffs!
THE PICK: TDHAF 48 - WTTK 32
ASSTANNER (6-2) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (6-2)
Are you fucking kidding me with this Ezekial Elliott shit? This court watching is like trying to figure out if that first Muslim ban was gonna pass. This is absolutely ridiculous.
Also, let me get this straight. Jay Ajayi was running the ball decently (according to metrics types), but wasn't going anywhere because his line sucked. Then after Miami lost 40-0, Adam Gase called out his offense saying some dudes weren't even trying, and then the Dolphins traded him to Philly.
So you're telling me Kenyan Drake, who wasn't good enough to take away carries from Ajayi even though the head coach hated Ajayi so much that he literally didn't want to be within 1,000 miles of him, is going to be good behind the line Ajayi wasn't good behind?
Okay.
AJ will be shut down by the franchise-level Jags, Wentz has to face Denver, and Shady couldn't even manage a field goal last night.
Deandre is in a tough spot with Savage, but otherwise things are really turning up Milhouse.
THE PICK: SS 101 - AT 65
RUSSELLMANIA (5-3) vs. THE NIGHT BOYS (3-5)
Brother battle!
Here's fantasy football in a nutshell. If Older Barker had used his first 3 picks this year on Aaron Jones, Chris Thompson, and Alex Collins, we all would've lost our minds. Today, Thompson is the 8th-ranked RB, if you extrapolated Jones' 4 games into a full season, he'd be in the top 10, and Alex Collins has as many points as Joe Mixon or Derrick Henry.
Anyway, it's way past time for Julio Jones to catch a dang touchdown.
This is pretty bad schedule luck for The Night Boys, actually. I think they're about to have one of their classic weeks in which they score the 3rd-most points in the league but still lose.
THE PICK: RM 95 - TNB 86
If you were paying attention, you'll note that if these picks all come to pass, we'll have FIVE different teams with a 3-6 record. Catch the fever!
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