AFFL Week 4 Preview

LAST WEEK: 3-3
SEASON: 11-7


You might be surprised to hear this, but I have a lot of thoughts on Donald Trump. I'm going to do my best to limit sharing these thoughts with you because, you might also be surprised to hear this, I could go on and on and on about it.

For now, I'll just say that I'm greatly amused by the idea that if Trump manages to convert his big, dumb cult against the NFL, he'll inadvertently be killing the sports radio industry at the same time. I mean, who else but Trump voters are interested in listening to big, dumb sports radio and calling in with their big, dumb opinions? What, they'll just talk hot stove baseball instead?

Maybe they'll convert to college football, where the blacks are controlled so much better.

Pretty sure I said 3-4 years ago that it was bad idea to combine the national anthem with paid military propaganda, but what do I know?

By the way, in a week filled with the hottest of takes, congrats to Joe Average American here for getting the fucking stupidest possible question about this controversy in under the wire:




The only possible way you can see those two issues as related is if, say, America has created a multi-decade perpetual war cycle that unquestionably valorizes the military and uses slick marketing to point back to the troops as a firewall against any and all legitimate concerns about how the country is being run.

How pathetic can a country be when the closest we will let minorities get to equality comes when we will also consume poor white bodies as freely as black and brown ones in the name of "freedom?"

And yes, I am aware that the guy asking the question there lost his son to our perpetual conflict. His wife there...where did she come from? She doesn't look very traditionally American to me. Does he think his Trump allies won't come for her one day just because of his one vote?

Maybe it's better for everybody if I just get upset about A.J. Green and not people being crushed under the boot of oppression.

ANYWAY!





THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (1-2) vs. WTTK? (1-2)
I'm happy to have landed a first-rounder for A.J. Green, but with him gone the team that I suspected wasn't that good looks totally empty. AJ was the rug that tied The Dude's whole living room together, man. But as crazy at it sounds, I look at the schedule and see a way that I could be 6-4 heading into the final division games. I could also be 1-6 after losing to Gary in Week 7.

This game here is going to determine whether I try to scrape into the playoffs and keep my streak alive or totally liquidate my roster early. Rivers should bounce back against the Eagles, and Thielen should light up the Lions from the slot. I'm surprised CBS doesn't have higher hopes for Buck Allen after Howard and Cohen, LLC lit up the Steelers last week. Allen clearly isn't as dynamic as Cohen, but he's a pass-catching back in space, and that's a problem for the Steelers. Hyde's hip is banged up and Arizona's D is tough, Martavis will either score 3 or 19 and since the Steelers are on the road it's probably closer to 3, and Sammy has a good matchup against Dallas but needs to be cleared from a concussion first.

But it's not like I have great options on the bench. Amari is like most WRs in that he struggles against Denver, the Giants have a great secondary that can limit DeSean, Kelley is practicing but facing a tough Chiefs defense, and Williams and McFadden are still an injury and a court case away, respectively, from being useful.

And yet...I'm playing McCamey. Carr will also struggle against Denver, but it's not like Cousins against KC is that much better. He is finally starting Joe Mixon, so expect him to get about 4 touches. JJ Nelson? Willie Snead? Davante Adams? I'm supposed to be worried about these guys?

I'm going to win this week because of my secret weapon: the franchised Jaguars DST facing the hapless Jets offense.

THE PICK: TDHGNM 71 - WTTK? 54


ASSTANNER (2-1) vs. THE NATIONAL RAZOR (2-1)
Gary came back to me AGAIN yesterday on the Week 5 thing, saying basically, "Okay, I cave. I'll trade you Ginn for Cooper." It really brought a smile to my face. I told him I'll just pick up Ginn after he cuts him.

If Gary knows I'm going to be difficult in trade talks, I'm not sure why he doesn't just pick up a FA WR for Week 5. I mean, look at some of the big-time players he has to choose from:

He doesn't think he can beat McCamey with Robby Anderson? Why so little confidence in your team, Gary? And good luck trading for one of Brian Barker's golden receivers since he will only want one of your precious running backs.

Anyway, this is a pretty big game considered that 1 of the 3 highest-scoring teams in the league will have a 2-2 afterwards. Heck, I might be 2-2 after this week and I hate my team! Weird how that works out. 

It's hard to tell from the first 3 weeks, but the Chargers defense is decent. Jason Verrett can cover and Melvin Ingram is wrecking shop. So young Wentz might struggle on the road. Though this will actually be a home game by proxy since I imagine more Eagles fans will be in attendance at the Chargers' futbol stadium. Atlanta's defense isn't that tough against the run, but the Bills should be trailing this game for 55 minutes, limiting Shady's chances. Zeke, Cook, AJ, and Parker should all be just fine, though.

Brady will torch the Panthers because he drinks so much healthy, delicious water, and Freeman might post 20 on the Bills. But CJ is losing carries, there's no way Hilton can repeat last week playing in Seattle (why in the damn hell is that a prime time game, by the way!?!?), and Patrick Peterson will eliminate Garcon. So unless Emmanuel Sanders puts up 40, Gary is going to fall with 2-2 with his Week 5 roster crisis looming. We should all be treated to some hilarious, increasingly frantic trade offers next week.

THE PICK: AT 107 - TNR 81

RUSSELLMANIA (1-2) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (2-1)

One last political thing, if I may. Doug Baldwin was also on that CNN last night, and very astutely observed that the police gunning down innocent black man on the street is like the Boston Massacre. I've had a similar thought in the past, so let me share a fun game with you. As we watch the GOP and Trump voters slide further toward authoritarian affection, whenever they make a statement on "law and order" or how people should behave, or how people should appreciate what they have, or asset forfeiture, or giving up rights for "security," or what have you, imagine how colonialists would've reacted to the same words coming from a British Governor in Massachussetts, or even King George. You'll have an enjoyable time finding out how many "real Americans" absolutely would've sided with the British 250 years back. 

Speaking of Doug Baldwin, he has a groin injury and plays in the Sunday night game, but right now Bri is rolling the dice with him in the starting lineup. I guess Crabtree against Denver or Mike Wallace against, uh...Artie Burns?...aren't as appealing as a guy who could be a late scratch.

Of course, I'm burying the lede here because...

CAM HAS BEEN BENCHED. REPEAT. CAM HAS BEEN BENCHED. The Patriots defense, which has been shredded this season by Alex Smith and Deshaun Watson, is apparently not enough to tempt Bri into going back to Cam after last week. 

Instead, Bri goes with Tyrod Taylor, who will definitely be throwing to catch up to Atlanta this week. Gurley has a great matchup against Dallas, and Ajayi also has a great one against the Saints, assuming the knee issue that's held him out of practice all week isn't a problem. Me, I'd be concerned that one of my backs has had knee problems all season, but that's just me. 

The Bears defense is quickly improving this year, and Montgomery is averaging 3 yards a carry, so he'd better catch some passes tonight to be useful. 

It seems so obvious that Russ is going to light up Indianapolis and Stafford will struggle against the Vikings. Then again, this is a Brian Barker lineup decision we're talking about here. If it can go wrong, it will. The Indy defense has been surprisingly feisty so far this season. Maybe they're decent. Or maybe the defense will have a Pick 12 against Jacoby Brissett and Seattle will just run in the 2nd half. Of course, that would still help Brian, as he has the Seahawks defense.

Lamar Miller sucks so bad that Barker should honestly consider making Duke Johnson his 1 RB this week. Odell, Julio, Diggs, and Allen all have great matchups, which must be why first round pick Terrelle Pryor is benched this week. McCaffrey, Mixon, Hyde, and Montgomery were all selected after Pryor. None of them would be traded for Pryor right now unless a high pick came along with him. 

This one is going to be close, and each team has 2 prime time players this week. But I say that Russ and SEA DST pull away enough in the Sunday night game that Kelce can't catch up in the Monday night game.

THE PICK: RM 94 - TKSMB 81

THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (2-1) vs SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (2-1)

Tim has scored 100 points more than Larry this season. Larry has faced 100 points fewer than Tim. Both teams have arrived at the same record in different ways. They are starting both Bears running backs, both Jaguars wide receivers, and if Larry starts Cutler against the terrible Saints defense, both quarterbacks in this week's London game. 

Man, look at these rosters. The first 3 weeks of this season have been the most unpredictable in some time. My team is certainly no world beater, but if these two teams are 2-1, it has to be too early for me to pack it in on the whole season, right? These guys START backup running backs. 

There's going to be a point early Monday night when a Dustin Hopkins field goal gives Larry a small lead in this game...and then Kareem Hunt is just going to obliterate that lead.

THE PICK: SS 78 - TWR 68

LITTLE BABY JESUS (2-1) vs. SCOTT DOESN'T HAVE ANY WINS (0-3)

My least favorite fantasy football article trope is "If you take away X plays, then this guy only has Y points this season."

THAT SAID...

If you take away DeMarco Murray's late 75-yard TD run from this past Sunday, a run that was worth 13.5 points, Murray has 14.3 points on the season. He doubled his entire season's output with ONE run. They say Gordon is on track to play this week, but knee problems usually flare right back up. And Winston is facing another really good pass defense, something he has not yet shown an ability to overcome. Fournette should pound the Jets, though. 

As for AB...well...he is unstoppable. But Ben. Everybody knows about his road struggles, particularly his Baltimore struggles. He's also said he needs to stop forcing it to AB so much, which means he's going to be thinking even more this week, which is never good. Here's a specific prediction for you: somebody is going to call The Fan or Madden this morning and ask if it's time to start thinking about Josh Dobbs.

(Note: Somebody else is going to have to listen in to validate this prediction. Hell no I'm not listening to sports radio.)

Everybody keeps saying Chris Carson is really good. He certainly runs well from what I've seen. Facing the Colts at home in prime time will tell us all if he's actually a good fantasy option. Landry, Hogan, and Nelson all have solid matchups. As for Tyreek Hill, they showed a stat last Sunday night that Josh Norman QBs over the last 3 years (5 years?) have their lowest rating when targeting Josh Norman. Lower than any other CB. Tyreek is the #1 Chiefs receiver, but they don't put him in a traditional mold, so I don't know if Norman really shadows him or shuts him. I'll be curious to watch what happens. 

Whatever happens won't really matter beyond the curiosity; Semi will have this one wrapped up by Sunday night.

THE PICK: LBJ 89 - SDHAW 68

ANIMAL HOUSE (2-1) vs. THE NIGHT BOYS (1-2)

66% of the Animal House bench is cuttable. Maybe 83% if you don't think Conner is worth keeping as a handcuff stash. He definitely will need to make some roster moves in Weeks 5 and 9 to get around bye weeks, but he only has $0.58 in cap space. He's average in PF and PA, but here he is at 2-1, looking to get to 3-1.

Ryan will light up Buffalo, and McCaffrey should catch a whole bunch of passes as Carolina tries to make up a 34-14 deficit. Nobody on the Niners can cover Fitz, Michael Thomas should do well against a Miami secondary that couldn't stop the damn Jets last week, and Gronk will be a part of that 34-14 lead. That just leaves Le'Veon to finally break 100 yards against the Ravens.

Hasn't Chris Thompson been on Washington for like 3 seasons? Why is he just now becoming a bigger Darren Sproles? I feel like he might not sustain this torrid pace. Both Gillislee and Cooks have one huge game, one medium game, and one bad game, and this will most likely be a common pattern for all Patriots outside of Brady this season. Devin Funchess? Dez Bryant? Oof.

THE PICK: AH 98 - TNB 70 

AFFL Week 3 Review

Another .500 week for the picks. As you all know, average performance is terrible by my standards, and I'm going to tell you why I'm struggling right now. It's currently Sunday soccer season, so I'm missing 75% of the early games, which are 75% of the games. 

And for some reason, there is not a good NFL highlights show on TV any more. ESPN only has SportsCenter since they sent Berman to a farm upstate and NFL Network - which was good in mornings and nights years ago - turned itself into the Chuckles and Bobo show. 

Here is a real time breakdown of NFL Gameday Prime three weeks ago:

1m48s - Game highlights 5m38s - Talking 3m36s - Ads 2m02s - Highlights 3m29s - Talking 1m43s - Highlights

Of the 20 minutes I watched, less than 25% of the air time was game highlights. A huge part of those talking segments is just Deion FaceTiming some NFLer, ostensibly to talk about the game, but really just to say "Much love" a bunch. Plus, it's hosted by Chris Rose, who is like an experiment in which somebody combined Joe Buck and Dan Patrick and shittified output by 80%. It's a travesty.

So I'm flying blind here. Missing most of the games, unable to watch what happened later. It'll be a few more weeks before I settle in.

But for the moment, I need to be humble about what I do and don't know.

 

LITTLE BABY JESUS 82.8 - THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 71.6 👎
I'll let you decide the funniest reason I lost this game. Is it because I paid $4.60 in cap space to roster both Rivers and Roethlisberger, who combined for 13.3 points? Is it because I started Rivers, who didn't even reach 2? Is it because I benched Sammy Watkins in a good matchup solely because I didn't want to start two guys on TNF? Is it Martavis letting a 75-yard TD pass slip right through his hands in the 1st quarter? Is it the Jaguars DST being tackled on a 3-yard line on a fumble return, and then on the 4-yard line on a fake punt? (Though I'm not 100% sure if I would get fake punt TD points.) Is it that the Raiders game flow set up perfectly to neutralize Lynch for LBJ, but Carr only looked at Cooper 3 times the whole game?

It might be the AJ Green trade. You see, Chris and I agreed to the trade in principle Thursday night, but I told I needed AJ to win this week and he didn't, so we'd execute the trade on Monday, barring injury. Friday morning, after Hyde's sweet game, I told Chris I was fine without AJ this week and pulled the trigger. Turns out, starting AJ over Buck Allen would've been helpful.

I have no idea what to make of my team right now. I think I'm good enough to scratch out a wild card, but this isn't a championship team. On the other hand, with proper lineup decisions, I would've scored 95 in Week 1 and 115 this week.

I'll tell you this, though. If I somehow lose to McCamey with a bad game next week and fall to 1-3, and my entire roster - except Martavis and Hyde - will have a big OPEN 4 BIDNESS sign on it. I'll tank the hell out of this season for 2018 picks.

Rodgers was held down a bit by a hungry Bengals team, as I predicted. Problem is, they held him down for 45 minutes, but their game went 65 minutes and he ended up lighting them up. The Panthers did make an effort to get McCaffrey going, which held down Stewart, but Hill, Carson, and Jordy all got in the end zone. Jordy did it twice, actually, and his last second TD sealed Semi's win. Chris Hogan was surprisingly active and scored 2 TDs on Semi's bench, but he ended up not needing them anyway.


THE NATIONAL RAZOR 104.3 - SCOTT DOESN'T HAVE ANY WINS 94.7 👍
Gary and Brian Barker should have to publicize their correspondence about the Younghoe Koo trade. I can only imagine the thrilling back and forth when Gary first asked for a 7th rounder, Barker said no, then Gary said a 12th rounder would be fair because that's when he was drafted this year. But he didn't want Terrence West, who Barker was going to cut because he had some amazing pickup in mind for this week. We all deserve to see these tremendous insights! Maybe I'll file a Freedom of Information Act request.

Speaking of trades, Gary came back to me again Friday about a WR trade for his Week 5 bye problem. I initially chuckled about his sudden interest in Sammy Watkins, and he chided me for being extra difficult so far this season and not taking his trade questions seriously.

I actually agreed with him and said, okay, let's do a trade. Cooper for Sanders + 5th rounder, the pick being a small token for the extra $0.50 in cap space I was taking on and because I was helping his lineup crunch.

Gary said it was a fair trade but turned it down because it was a coin flip which WR would be better be at year end. I said yes, but Cooper is playing in Week 5. That's what makes it a really good trade for you.

He brought up some foofaraw about Cooper being on the injury report with a knee problem. I said it was no issue, which was later vindicated by Amari being taken off the injury report that same day.

He still didn't like it, so I offered DeSean for Sanders straight up since they had similar cap numbers.

He said he didn't want to just trade for the sake of making a trade. I calmly pointed out that the purpose of the trade was his Week 5 bye problem.

That's where the discussion ended. I feel like the patience I showed during this ridiculous exercise totally made up for the difficulty I cause in the first two weeks. It's level.

Honestly, I think Gary got spooked by how quickly I offered up a simple deal. I think he figured I was trying to pull something.

Anyway, nobody trade a WR to Gary so he has to deal with his Week 5 lineup problem on his own. Especially because he will likely be 3-1 going into that game and will need an L.

How bad are the Browns that they got blown out by Indy? Forget garbage time points; Jacoby Brissett has only been on the team for a month and he lit them up? I guess congrats to Gary for sticking with T.Y. Hilton in the starting lineup. Finally paid off with 21.5 big points this week.

CJ lost carries to Charles this week, Cody Parkey was shutout, and Gary still hit triple digits because Devonta scored again and Brady continues to go wild. The Houston DST did slow Brady early like I thought, but he absolutely torched them in the 2nd half.

Emmanuel Sanders had 7.5 points.

Tough loss for Scott. He didn't crack 70 in the first 2 weeks, but he still lost after scoring 94.7. Jameis did struggle with turnovers against Minnesota like I mentioned, but DeMarco Murray's hamstring looked just fine on a 75-yard TD run. Scott might have pulled out an incredible win if it wasn't for Melvin Gordon injuring his knee in the first half and missing the rest of the game. Gordon had 80 yards and a TD before leaving.

Every position player Scott has found the end zone and he still lost.


ANIMAL HOUSE - RUSSELLMANIA 72.4 👍
Hard to tell which Russellmania prediction is looking better right now - that he'd score 71 points this week, or that his dream season could be over by Week 6.

One problem with having a deep receiving court, as I can tell you from the past few years, is figuring out who should start each week. It looks like Stefon Diggs should've started this week with his 29.3 points. Starting him against the Bucs secondary certainly would've been a better choice than starting Keenan Allen against the Chiefs. Only 6.1 points for Allen. Only 9.1 for Julio, who tweaked his back. Odell broke out with 2 TDs, and a did a dog pee celebration after the first one, which...okay?

Starting Matt Stafford against the Falcons make sense on paper. But if you look further down this paper, you see Russell Wilson on the bench with 31 points. BB did my favorite fantasy football move, something we all have done. A guy has two, maybe three bad games in a row, so you bench him and he goes off. The fact that Brian said himself last week that Wilson always starts slowly makes it that much more hilarious. That and the fact that he named his team after the guy he benched.

Lamar Miller sucks and Brian is going to be incredibly desperate for an RB right now. I bet somebody could land Odell or Julio if they tried.

Oh, and let's not overlook that outstanding -5.5 score from the Seahawks DST.

Le'Veon and Michael Thomas didn't break out with big yards, but they did both reach the end zone. Gronk fought through injury to score and it doesn't seem like he aggravated anything...for now. McCaffrey broke out with the yards, and Fitz and the...uh, I can't make Cardinals into a Tantrums pun whatsoever, so...Cardinals DST tacked on 20.9 victory lap points Monday night even though the win was official by dinner time Sunday.

Oh, speaking of Stafford and the Lions - sort of - not only did they lose out on a late TD, look at this video of their post-game meals outside of the locker room:

To make matters worse for the #lions. The food is on fire at Ford Field by the locker room. pic.twitter.com/aLFNDj4kc3

— Evan Jankens (@KINGoftheKC) September 24, 2017

Is this woman not just unbelievably casual in the face of a ripping grease fire? I feel like I would not have handled this so casually. Maybe this is commonplace for her but we're just seeing video of it for the first time. Like, "Oh, the chicken's on fire again. I keep telling y'all not to put those paper plates in there but y'all don't listen."


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER 106.8 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 67.2 👎
GodDAMN, Tim! Maybe this is the year he makes the playoffs. At minimum, it's the year in which he outscored Scott in Weeks 1, 2, and 3. Jordan Howard went off for 27.4 points just days after I called him a bad first round pick, and a week after everybody thought the Steelers had a good D again. Kareem Hunt had a 69-yard TD run that sealed the Chiefs win and ran up Tim's score. Brees even had a good game.

It's just one loss for Bri, and I always say that if I'm facing an opponent who goes off, I'm fine with having a down week to save my points for later. I mean, you don't want to be like Scott, all scoring his most points of the season and still losing because of T.Y. Hilton and Tom Brady.

Cam is really, really off, which is not helping his trade value at all right now. I mean, if he can't play well against the Saints, who can he score against? Not to mention the fact that both Olsen and Benjamin are gone for a while. Crowell did nothing at all against the hapless Colts, and I'd be surprised if Bri could get more than an 8th rounder for that $1.62 contract right now.

Naturally, I offered Bri Ben or Phil for Cam, Crowell, plus a token of gratitude. The cap hit evens out, and Bri frees up 2 contract spots for his other terrific, great, totally keepable players. He turned me down flat without even asking what the token would be. In fact, he was pretty rude and dismissive about the whole thing. I guess it's my own fault for opening myself up, making myself vulnerable, and trying to do a nice thing for somebody. Lesson learned, Bri!

Jay Ajayi scored 2.5 to follow up a solid game last week, which is exactly why nobody can tell if he is actually good. Ty Montgomery somehow only had 5 points in a game filled with offense.

On Thursday night, Gurley put up 32.5 points, and if you told me that Bri would end up losing this game after that, I...I...well, I would not have believed you.


ASSTANNER 102.9 - THE NIGHT BOYS 82.8 👍
Here's a story Barker might appreciate, given my famous proclivity for inventing nicknames and phrases. Great hits such as "Mitch Baywatch" and "Hairy Butt."

Last year, driving to our vacation, I told our girls our rental house was going to be totally amazing, which I shortened for Totes Maze. The girls HATED it. So, like a good dad, for a year, I kept saying things were Totes Maze. "Girls, we're going out for dinner tonight. The pizza at this place is...Totes Maze." They would yell at me. "No! Stop saying that!"

It was great.

So then one day, the girls are in the other room watching The Thundermans or Henry Danger or something and they come flying into the living room. "Daddy! Daddy! They just said 'Totes Maze' on TV!"

I had done it. I had willed another phrase into existence.

Anyway, Barker had his highest output of the season thanks to Chris Thompson and Brandin Cooks and still lose.

Which brings us to...


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 55.9 - WTTK? 35.9 👎
Is it too early to start our annual This League Is Fundamentally Flawed Because Of The Head-To-Head Structure Dicker Fest? Because Larry just won a game with 55.9 points. He's 2-1 even though he's scored 55 twice in three weeks. The team he just beat scored thirty-fucking-five-goddamn-points. Thirty-five! McCamey's bench had 52! The WTTK? starting lineup would've lost to just Kareem Hunt in Week 1!

Derek Carr scored 4.4 points. It looked like Washington just singled up Josh Norman to the right, and then bracketed whatever receivers were to the left with a safety. Carr didn't look more than 5 years downfield the whole night. Cousins had 24.3 on McCamey's bench, which seems like a tragic mistake, except he still would've lost with those points. Of course, he would've won had he started Cousins and Joe Mixon. The Joe Mixon that McCamey insisted on holding on to because of Cincy's new OC. He was sure Mixon would get more chances. He was right. He still started JACQUIZZ RODGERS on the road against an outstanding Vikings defense over Joe Mixon and a new OC against a terrible Packers defense.

Larry was back and forth all week on Cutler vs. Mariota. He made the wrong choice. Fortunately for him, it didn't matter.

So, going back to the fundamentally flawed league thing for a second, let's wait three more weeks before kicking off that annual rite in earnest. But just be aware that Larry is 2-1 and Scott is 0-3, even though Scott has 43 more points so far. How did that happen? Because Scott has more than double the points against that Larry does.

The entire Central division is 37-60 against all teams in just 3 weeks.

AFFL Week 3 Preview

LAST WEEK: 3-3

SEASON: 8-4

There are several reasons I don't respect anybody in this league. The hardest part about going through the reasons would be deciding to list them alphabetically or group them by type. But today, I want to focus on one reason: the total lack of inquiries about AJ Green.

Yes, AJ Green has had two below-average games so far. You all realize that because you have the recency bias of a goldfish. The #1 WR in 2016 through 10 weeks had 2 bad games! He sucks now!

But here's the thing. I've made noise for a few years about trying to move Green. The new rule allows him to be a 1/X trade. The Bengals were so bad in a game we all watched that they fired their OC and promoted Bill Lazor, who was last seen in Miami running a diet Chip Kelly offense that led the league in pass-to-run ratio. Whatever the issues with Dalton and the offensive line, Green can still catch bombs in triple coverage. His next 5 opponents are the defensive juggernauts of GB - CLE - BUF - PIT - IND. There's a better than average chance that Green goes into Week 8 as a Top 3 WR, if not #1. This is an ALL-TIME buy low opportunity.

After hinting as recently as the Week 2 Review that I was getting tired of Green, I got all of one email. It was from Gary. Now, a trade email from Gary is a headache to begin with. One that comes after he scores a lot of points and wins and is feeling good about his team for 6 days? Ugh.

"I’ve been looking at what I could offer for Green, but I just can’t justify anything.  He may be untradeable even though he clearly has value. Unless you take a straight draft pick. I mean, even Cobb for Green straight up seems like a loser based on salaries and performance so far."

The recency bias. Of. A. Goldfish.

Two fucking games and now AJ Green isn't as good as RANDALL FUCKING COBB?

Fuck outta here.

Based on salaries? JORDAN HOWARD IS MORE EXPENSIVE! 

Untradeable? Fine, I'll keep him and make the playoffs for the fifth year in a row.

I swear to whichever god you prefer, dealing with this league is like trying to explain trade policies to Trump voters. Forget all the evidence that I'm good every single year and know what I'm doing. You guys watched Thursday Night Football!

I'm losing my mind.

THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (1-1) vs. LITTLE BABY JESUS (1-1)

Mikhail Sembratovich has a problem looming. Landry, Hogan, Jordy, Corey Davis, and Jimmy Graham are all questionable. Jordy insists that he's playing last week, but he dropped out in the first quarter last week and posted a 0. Semi's already starting 3 backs, so he has no choice but to risk Jordy's 0 at the moment. He does have two defenses, but dropping one for a fill-in receiver only to pick up another defense during the bye week is a cap hit. 

Is Week 3 too early to make a fill-in trade? Is falling to 1-2 in division play when 2 other teams are certain to be 2-1 a problem? Especially if those are the 2 teams you've lost to? If you give up the division this early, can you still get a Wild Card?

So maybe he should make a trade. Let's see which two teams have WR depth to spare. Well, well. It's The Dude and Russellmania. I'm playing Semi this week, so it would have to be a pretty great trade offer that convinces me to focus long-term and not short. I'll tell you right now, I'm not trading AJ Green the week he's about to score 22 points. Brian Barker would certainly love to help another team beat me because he's a small, petty person, but would he love it enough to help a division rival he just beat? One he could get a 1.5 game lead on with a win?

What interesting times we live in!

Cincy is on the road, but they have a good defense and should be screaming around the field to avoid a 0-3 start. Plus, Jordy and Cobb (Whaaaaaat!?!?) are hurt, so maybe Rodgers will be down ever so slightly this week.

Stewart is a nice start against the Saints even though the Panthers are much more interested in getting McCaffrey rolling. Chris Carson might be nice enough, but the Titans have a good D line going against the worst O line in the league. (Full disclosure: Semi beat to me to Carson FA pickup by 1 hour and I did try to trade for him after that).

I am definitely concerned about Ben on the road against a terrible team. He should have a huge game, so I bet he scores 12 points. The Rams gave up ground to Kelley and Thompson last week, so Hyde should go over 100 yards, Martavis can get deep all day against Chicago, and DeSean faces the exact same coverage situation that Martavis had last week when he got open deep. The only question is do I play Amari or Adam? Thielen has a great slot matchup against Tampa if Bradford can really play, whereas Amari might run into Josh Norman a bit. Or do I dare start Javorius Allen, who's now on his third stint with my team? If West is out, he could see a full load against the Jags. Yeah, the Jags DST is great as we all know, but Baltimore could be running clock late.

I really did want to start Sammy Watkins this week and chose not solely because I couldn't stand the idea of watching two of my guys on TNF. 

THE PICK: TDHGNM 103 - LBJ 84

SCOTT DOESN'T HAVE ANY WINS (0-2) vs. THE NATIONAL RAZOR (1-1)

Scott has to earn his proper team name back with a win. This matchup gives us the only defeated team in the league against one of the finest owners in our league. The man smart enough to draft Randall Cobb, Younghoe Koo, and Tom Brady on accident. The man smart enough to keep Danny Woodhead on IR and smart enough to start TY Hilton over Ted Ginn last week despite my thoughts, giving his team an extra 2 points that meant nothing.

CBS has this game as a coin flip and I have absolutely no idea where that is coming from. Jameis, still prone to turnovers, is on the road against a great defense. Fournette, with no QB help, faces a Baltimore defense that bottled up Crowell and Hill/Gio/Mixon. DeMarco is old and hurt and losing carries to Henry. He didn't even practice yesterday. Melvin Gordon faces a great defense on the road. Chicago is decent against #1 WRs, and if Ben watched any tape at all this week, he probably realizes he needs to stop forcing the ball to AB in double coverage and take what he's given. Scott is starting Zach Ertz on purpose. Again.

That said, Brady always struggles with teams who can pressure the pocket with the front four. A team like Houston, for instance. And he looks extra skittish so far this season. Gary is going to dig in on T.Y. Hilton apparently, but whatever points CJammanuel Sanderson doesn't score against the tanking Bills, Freeman will likely pick up against Detroit. 

Earlier this week, Gary accused me of thinking all other owners were idiots who don't pay attention because I dared offer him Terrence West for Alvin Kamara. While that accusation might be true, that's quite a reaction to being offered a current starter for a potential future starter. Anyway, he can have West now if he wants him. 

But hey, Gary is going to be 2-1 come Tuesday. He won his division last year! Why won't you take him seriously? He's really good at this!

THE PICK: TNR 77 - SDHAW 58

ANIMAL HOUSE (1-1) vs. RUSSELLMANIA (1-1)

There was talk before the season that Meyers was going to leave the league because work was ramping up for him. Gary cajoled him into staying by pointing out he's won enough money to play for free for the next 5 years or so. Being too busy to care is presumably why Meyers has not yet cut AP or Lacy. Or maybe he can't stand the idea of carrying $0.75 of dead cap space. That could make sense since he's in accounting or some shit. 

Anyway, Bell should get back to form against Chicago and McCaffrey probably gets his 1st pro TD against the Saints. Fitz, Thomas, and Gronk, though...man, I don't know. They all have problems this week. Some of them have entire season problems so far. 

Terrelle Pryor, a first round pick, is being benched this week in favor of Demaryius Thomas. Ok, fine. Buffalo sucks so run with Thomas. Actually, come to think of it, Thomas started last week, so I guess Pryor is being benched in favor of Beckham. Makes sense on paper, although Beckham is still gimpy, on a snap count, and counting on getting the ball from an awkward, 36-year-old QB behind an offensive line that will do nothing to hold up the Eagles' pass rush. The Chiefs can bottle up Keenan even without Eric Berry, and whatever Julio posts is moderated by Matt Ryan starting for Animal House.

Oh, and Tennessee will kill Russell Wilson and Miller is losing his job to D'onta Foreman. Sources tell me that Barker is well aware of this and is desperately trying to trade for Foreman. Beyond that, Paul Perkins suuuuuuuuuuucks and Kerwynn Williams already lost his starting role to a 31-year-old RB who was a FA when the season started. 

This Russellmania team is complete garbage. I think I mainly picked them #1 overall in the season preview because I felt bad for Brian and didn't want to pick on him. That feeling is long gone.

You will note, though, that Brian picked up Terrence West today. I did offer him in a trade earlier this week but never heard back. Credit to Brian for waiting me out, figuring I would cut him. I'm sure he thinks he outsmarted me, though I'm not broken up about cutting a below-average back who hasn't capitalized on three different opportunities, is hurt this week, and is losing his job to Javorious Allen, whom I grabbed instead.

Yeah, I drafted West, but Mike Sembrat was sitting right next to me and can confirm that I made this face before making that selection:

In fairness, I do need to admit that I've developed a tell. You see, my roster is so carefully curated, so well thought out with every player serving a purpose, that if I ever do offer up a guy in trade, it's a sign I'm going to cut him soon. I'll need to work on this.

THE PICK: AH 78 - RM 71

SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (1-1) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (3-0)

Before the season started, I offered Bri Allen Robinson for Crowell, noting that we could 1/X both of them. Bri turned me down. When he approached me today about trading for Crowell, I was initially receptive...and then I noticed that Crowell costs $1.62 this year. Like Jordan Howard, I have no idea what this contract price is based on. Isaiah Crowell is the 9th-most expensive RB in our league? Seems like a lot for a guy who has 12 points total in 2 games. I mean, he's like $0.15 less than AJ Green, who I'm told is untradeable because of his contract.

Of course, if Crowell has a good game against the Colts this week, I'm sure the goldfish in this league will beat down Bri's door for him.

During those trade talks, Bri told me, "I don’t want to make a big trade.  My team doesn’t suck.  My problem is that I don’t have enough available contracts for all my good players. 

We might be on Cam watch mid-way through the season.

How good would my team be if I had franchised AB and dumped Cam last year.  I’ve generally made good choices about when to dump guys…but definitely missed on that one.  Write that in your weekly update."

So there you have it. 

Tim's scoring preview was blank yesterday thanks to an illegal lineup, so I went to this team page to see what the issue is. At that moment, he had 5 bench players when you must have 6. Why only 5? Because he put Corey Coleman on IR. Here are some facts for you to read:

• Corey Coleman broke his hand last week
• The Browns put him on IR to return, so he's out at least 8 weeks
• Our league roster freeze is the same week Coleman can return
• Corey Coleman costs $1.35
• His contract is 2/2
• Corey Coleman averaged 6 points/game last year
• He averaged 6 points/game so far this year
• Tim is not cutting him
• Tim is making a bad decision

It doesn't even matter that Tim picked up Chris Johnson to get legal. Bri was going 3-0 either way.

Though I am looking forward to Tim waiting until 1:15pm Sunday to pick up another player, forcing Gary to email the whole league about it.

THE PICK: TKSMB 99 - SS ???

***BREAKING NEWS***

I emailed Gary just now to ask why in the world Tim would put Coleman on IR, expecting that we'd have a few chuckles over this egregious error. 

Gary wrote back, "No joke, I have been trying to find a way to trade for Coleman since before the season.  I figured after 2 decent Cobb games Tim might accept a straight up swap.  I was going to extend him to 3-Yr despite his silly cost.  Good think Jordy got hurt and made me keep Cobb for awhile."

So...Gary would trade Randall Cobb for a guy who averages 6 points/game, but NOT for AJ Green. And he would extend his contract so he could pay COREY COLEMAN like $1.60 in 2018!

By the transitive property, Gary thinks Corey Coleman is better than AJ Green.

!!

!!!!!!!!!!

Again, I am going to lose my fucking mind.

THE NIGHT BOYS (1-1) vs. ASSTANNER (1-1)

Man, I know I said Trevor Siemian was looking live so far this season, but I didn't somebody would start him this quickly. 

Barker's team has some serious problems this year. I mean, he has two kickers, two defenses, two quarterbacks, three Patriots, and zero useful players. Maybe Gillislee, I guess, assuming the Patriots get tackled on the 2-yard line. 

As for this week, Burkhead missed practice with a rib injury and wasn't getting the ball even when healthy. Kenny Golladay followed up his outstanding debut with 0.8 points, but is still starting this week. Brandin Cooks won't have time to get deep this week before Watt and Clowney get to Brady, and Pat Pete was shut down Dez as usual. Chris Thompson has drawn into the starting lineup, a mere 3 days after his coach said they can't give him the ball that much because he's too small.

With this many bad starters, you may ask, why not go to the bench to change things up? Because, as mentioned, the bench has a QB, a K, a DST, Thomas Rawls, and Devin Funchess.

This is a Tim-level team.

Shady will have a tough time getting anywhere against Denver, Zeke should struggle against Arizona, and Jalen Ramsey can shut down Maclin without much problem. Dalvin Cook, Devante Parker, and the schedule will bail out Chris this week.

THE PICK: AT 68 - TNB 43

THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (1-1) vs. WTTK? (1-1)

You know what? I actually think McCamey can win this game. I'm sure he'll think that his 2-1 start is evidence that his preseason moves and draft were not a combination of the Hindenburg crashing directly onto Titanic, but it's really just evidence that he plays in a AA-ball division. 

Carr can get after Washington, Henry should gouge Seattle with Murray out, and Ameer can get lose against Atlanta. Jordan Reed is hurt, though, so I guess J.J. Nelson comes in? Eric Decker?

I want to say that Larry should consider Cutler over Mariota this week, but he might not listen to me after last week's Frank Gore mistake. All 3 of his receivers are going to be bottled up.

This preview got the short end of the stick this week. I'm sorry. Gary drained all of my pep earlier. 

THE PICK: WTTK? 79 - TWR 68

AFFL Week 2 Review

Here's the good news. All of our matchups have been completed, so nobody has to stay up late for the end of a dog ass game between the Lions and Giants.

Here's more good news. Except for Brian Williams, who always loses in the playoffs, every team is 1-1 and still in the race. Even The Night Boys and WTTK?, who haven't scored as many points in 2 weeks as Bri did in Week 2. Plenty of reasons for folks to still be...



ANIMAL HOUSE 78.8 - THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 59.7 👍
I predicted a high-scoring loss for myself this week and ended up with a low-scoring loss, so...partial credit? Searching high and wide for silver linings, I guess I'm happy to see that Carlos Hyde is gonna be a real one in Kyle Shanahan's offense and I'm also way too happy that Martavis is back. I am, like, giddy that I have Martavis on my team and you don't see a guy run away from a corner and a safety on a red zone slant pass too often. Oh, also, I had never seen Ka'imi Fairbairn kick a ball before and he looked pretty solid on Thursday, so that's good.

As for the bad, I might be reaching the seven year itch with AJ. I'm just tired of having him. Maybe the new OC in Cincy will spice things up. When even I notice your play calling is terrible, it's time for the old guy to go. Rob Kelley hurt a rib, which probably has a negative effect on a banging running back, and Amari took this week off in a blowout.

Animal House got the win to be sure, but they didn't come out of this one flying high. Gronk caught a TD but also got hurt, Le'Veon is still struggling through his personal live games training camp, McCaffrey will be great to have one day but not today, Fitz and the Cards are a mess, the Saints are a mess, and the whole bench only had 5.5 points. Eddie Lacy was a scratch! Peterson, Lacy, and John Ross might all be cuttable. Not that there's anybody out there to replace them.


THE NATIONAL RAZOR 119.8 - SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER 77.9 👍
More like...Youngnoe Good! More like...Younghoe Cut! I was literally writing that Gary needed to hurry up and try to trade this kid before it was too late, but he beat me to the punch by a few hours. But other than that, it was a great week for Gary. Brady went off as expected, Freeman looked great, T.Y. Hilton beat my 12 yards prediction with a whopping 49 yards (Wow!), and the surprisingly hot Trevor Siemian carried Cemmanuel Sandersons along for big games. Guys, Gary is really good at this! He knows exactly how to manage a team in this particular league and all of his players are great! Not sure why you all don't get that.

Ted Ginn won the called-off Allen Robinson trade this week by 2.4 points. Of course, Robinson had surgery this week and Ginn played, so...

Tim auto-drafted Jordan Howard, so who knows if he actually would've made the same pick if he showed up on time for the draft for the first time this decade. I'm again admitting that I have no idea how Gary prices these players even though there's a very convenient, easy-to-use formula within the league rules that only takes 15 steps and has 4 sets of parentheses. Point is, I have no idea how Jordan Howard cost $1.92 this year and at that price, on this Bears team, I wouldn't have even given him a camp invite. And now his shoulder is hurt.

Tim did draft Kareem Hunt on purpose, though, and boy oh boy was that some pick. Tim should franchise Hunt TODAY. After Hunt, the rest of this team...oo wee. McCamey can look down his nose at this team, that's how bad it is.

RUSSELLMANIA 72.2 - LITTLE BABY JESUS - 71.1 👎
Brian Barker is now 1-1 and his 2 games have been decided by a total of 1.9 points. That last pass to Julio was just what Barker needed to pull out the win. That and Jordy straining his quad in the first quarter.

Remember a few years ago when people raved about Tom Cable coaching up the collection of cast offs the Seahawks rolled out on their O line? Pete Carroll should probably take that clipping down from his office corkboard. This line and this offense is a serious problem and Russell Wilson is going to get killed back there no matter how much magic water he's drinking.

Terrelle Pryor had 3.1 points. He was a first round pick.

By the way, my suggestion to start Diggs over Thomas was automatically rendered moot once Bradford was ruled out. Just so you know. Though my prediction that Brian wouldn't listen to me was dead on.

Tyreek might be a little boom or bust. Basically a younger DeSean Jackson.

Man, Semi could've moved to 2-0 if Jordy didn't get hurt. Or if he had started Chris Carson, whom he now likes so much that he shot down a Terrence West for Carson trade this morning. Should've loved him that much on Saturday, buddy! Or if the Raiders didn't take the 2nd half off and gave up garbage time TDs to the Jets.

But he lost and he's 1-1 with Hogan, Jordy, Corey Davis, and Jimmy Graham all hurt, and an angry Dude team coming to town next week.


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 120.9 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 68.7 👍
Greg Olsen! ANOTHER guy Bri traded is now hurt. Bri is like some Black Widow wife. Like one of those nurses that secretly murders 78 people in a convalescent home. Do not trade with Bri unless you like seeing guys get hurt. Which...maybe that's your thing, you weirdo.

Crabtree caught 3 TDs, which was really fun for me as an Amari associate, Ty Montgomery is just running wild right now, Todd Gurley is back to hurdling people so maybe he's not washed yet, and even Ajayi was decent. Actually, if Bri started Kelce over Baldwin, not only would he have scored 130+, he would've posted 2 hurdle TDs, which is probably pretty rare.

This is already shaping up to be one of Bri's patented go 12-2 then score 71 points in the playoffs seasons. Even with Cam's shoulder preventing him from really throwing the ball.

When I said in the intro that every team except Bri is 1-1, I forgot that Scott is 0-2. It's easy to forget Scott's team. He plays Gary's history-altering franchise next week, so 0-3 is a really possibility, especially with DeMarco Murray's hamstring retiring early. Before the season, Scott said Melvin Gordon was his best player. So he either forgot that he had Antonio Brown or he was pretty surprised to watch Gordon get just 13 yards on 9 carries yesterday. Of course, thanks to a 1-yard TD scamper and a nice catch, Gordon actually outscored AB yesterday.


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 80.5 - ASSTANNER 66.6 👎
Chris' outstanding collection of running backs combined for 12.9 points yesterday. That's a point less than the great Melvin Gordon. Buffalo's offense is terrible, Cook is going to have trouble until Bradford is back and who knows when that will be, and Zeke looked pretty tired yesterday.

I think Rod Marinelli would have graded this as a "loaf" for Ezekiel Elliott. pic.twitter.com/MC2QiYhBga

— Marcus Mosher (@Marcus_Mosher) September 18, 2017

Thank you Carson Wentz for being the one lone Asstanner to have the courage to score double digit points.

Starting Kupp over Gore did not turn out to be a good suggestion on my side. Not a good week for me smarts-wise. Though I think I struggle in Week 2 every year. I take my preseason thoughts, overreact to Week 1, miss on Week 2, then settle in.

Oh right! I'm supposed to be talking about Larry here. Pardon me. Mike Evans was a beast yesterday and the Broncos defense is a lot of fun. I'm not quite sure how Mariota only put up 11 points in a 37-16 win, and I wouldn't be that excited about Tarik Cohen even with Howard out, but this was a fine win. All wins against Chris are fine.


WTTK? 74.5 - THE NIGHT BOYS 67.5 👎
So...McCamey backed into a favorable outcome in the David Johnson fiasco. He might be about to back into Derrick Henry being the starter for a hot offense. And he might back into some Joe Mixon stuff. I mean, the Bengals never, ever fire dumb coaches, but they sure moved fast on Ken Zampese. I guess 4 carries or whatever for Mixon combined with Gio Bernard running between the tackles 10 times inspired a change.

By the way, if you're thinking about buying low on Mixon, I can tell you that his price shot up this weekend after I asked about tried to trade for him. I'm like Warren Buffet. I ask about a company and the stock shoots up 10% on "rumors."

Double by the way, I wouldn't go thinking WTTK? is good just because they won this week. This Night Boys team really might be the worst team in the league. I know there's a fierce three-way battle for that title, but man. Palmer and the Cards are totally washed up, Rawls has lost his job behind a terrible line, Cooks somehow didn't score during his "revenge" game, and Dez blows. Some interesting stats I saw: In 2 games this year, Dez only has 9 catches on 25 targets. He's also the #1 WR who most suppressed by top corners. Dez is no Franchise Player; he's like a top-40 receiver at best.

Also by the way, I don't know why Barker thinks he needs to roster two defenses or why he thinks one of them should be the Jets, but they posted a -7 yesterday. Probably the new rules, but I think that's the lowest score I've ever seen. At least they were on the bench.

AFFL Week 2 Preview

LAST WEEK: 5-1
SEASON: 5-1

Teams are desperate to avoid starting off 0-2 and with only a very weird Week 1 go off of, we're going to see seem questionable lineup decisions. I'm seeing a huge one already, GARY.




THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (1-0) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (0-1)
CBS is so down on my team this season that I'm getting stuck in a negative feedback loop and starting to think maybe I'm not that good. Even though I know CBS' projections are trash. Even though I know I'm taking the same approach that got me into the playoffs last year: a serviceable starting RB flanked by 4 dynamic WRs. In fact, with DeSean and Martavis, I might have a better WR group and I have two outstanding QBs. Screw you, CBS.

That said, I might be 1-1 soon. Meyers only scored 53.6 points last week and he might double that this week. Le'Veon could struggle again this week against a great Vikings defense, and the Pats should take Michael Thomas out of action, but everybody else has a plus matchup for Animal House, if not a plus plus matchup. Ryan against GB, Gronk against the terrible Saints D, Fitz against the Colts, and the Cards DST against Jacoby Brissett. Even McCaffrey might get into the end zone.

What's worse is that I should pile up points this week as well. Rivers will torch Miami, West could easily put up 15 against Cleveland, Amari should score on the terrible, terrible Jets, and the Steelers haven't been able to cover a slot receiver since the concept was invented, so Thielen could easily approach 20 points. The only question is do I start Martavis or DeSean? Whomever is benched will absolutely score 25 points and be the reason I lose.

A low-scoring win followed by a high-scoring loss will definitely help me decide whether or not my team is any good.

THE PICK: AH 108 - TDHGNM 94


THE NATIONAL RAZOR (0-1) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (1-0)
So not only did Gary manage to avoid having David Johnson get hurt for him this year, he refused to toss in a 5th round pick with Ginn to get Allen Robinson and avoided that injury as well. Hmm. We'll see if that luck holds up, because he is going to be hitting the trade circuit soon in order to avoid his Week 5 problem. You see, in Week 5 Gary is going to have 5 players on a bye, plus Andrew Luck, who's on a permanent bye this season. Oh, and Woodhead will still be on IR then.

Gary's lineup that week is going to be Brady/Kamara/Smallwood/Cobb/Hilton/Garcon/Koo/PIT. If you're wondering, he plays McCamey that week. So he might actually be able to win that butt lineup. Point is, ignore all Gary trade requests for the next few weeks.

Anyway, we're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's talk about this week.

How in the HELL are you going to start T.Y. Hilton when he's facing Patrick Peterson and getting passes from a QB who's been with the team for a month? And how in the HELL does CBS figure he's going to put up 8.4 points? Hilton is going to have like 12 dang yards.

Gary, you might want to consider starting Ginn after the Pats showed they can't cover the deep ball last week. Just a thought.

That said, Brady is going to make up for boning Gary two games in a row. He might put up 30 here. Freeman should be huge, Cobb should score against Atlanta, and CJ and Sanders aren't horrible picks against Dallas. Steelers D could get lit up, though.

Oh hey, this matchup has both QBs from one game. Brees will get points for Tim for sure, and it's going to be hilarious when Coleman gets a goal line carry over Freeman. Jordan Howard is already banged up and missing practice, and...you know what? I don't think Kareem Hunt is going to score another 45 points this week. The Eagles front 7 is actually pretty decent and, uh, 45 points is a lot to score every week.

It was a great undefeated run, Tim. A whole week!

THE PICK: TNR 93 - SS 87


RUSSELLMANIA (0-1) vs. LITTLE BABY JESUS (1-0)
Here's something interesting. Odell said today that his ankle is 6-8 week injury. It happened in mid-August, which would have him back around Week 6. Assuming, of course, that he doesn't re-aggravate in rehab or practice or even his first game back, which never happens. Plus, the Irma bye stretched out Doug Martin's return to Week 5. Barker's big glamour season with all those picks and trades could over before it started. 0-5 would be a terrible waste for the best receiving cork in the league.

I assume Wilson will bounce back against the Niners, though nobody thought the Packers D was good before last week. The Seahawks might be the issue instead. Lamar Miller has an equally bad offensive line, Pryor is still learning how to catch, and I would absolutely start Diggs over Demaryius. Barker won't do it because I just said it, but I would. Allen and Julio should go off, though.

Oh, by the way, Paul Perkins is traaaaaaaaash. And without Odell there to stretch out a D? Oof. Forget it. Dude is losing carries to ORLEANS DARKWA.

Philly can probably slow Tyreek down a touch. Then again, maybe nobody can. Rodgers, Hogan, Marshawn, Jordy, the Raiders DST, and GIORGIO! all have fantastic, tremendous, amazing matchups.

THE PICK: LBJ 110 - RM 82


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (1-0) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (0-1)
Here's something else interesting. Jay Ajayi admitted today that he basically has a constant knee issue. Keep that in mind when Bri puts him on the trade block. He traded Arian Foster and essentially ended his career. He traded Odell and now that guy might not play this season.

The more I think about it - and read about it - the more I'm sure that Gurley is already washed up. He averaged like 2 YPC against a Colts team that is 3 weeks away from "Could Alabama Beat The Colts?" articles. Oh, and there's a 100% chance Ty Montgomery gets hurt if he's getting 20+ touches a game.

Still, Bri's whole team has nice matchups this week. Cam should get healthy against Buffalo, Montgomery will put up 17-20 on Atlanta, Crabtree and Baldwin should both score, and Baltimore is facing a rookie QB.

Hard Knocks was as boring as waiting in line this season, but Jameis was pretty interesting to watch. He's definitely smart, definitely calculating, and definitely country as hell. That doesn't mean anything here, but I was intrigued. I did see an interesting stat about the Chicago defense actually containing big passing games, and Jameis is known to get impatient. Plus, this is Tampa's Week 1 and we saw last week that offenses aren't ready yet.

Yeah, Fournette is the whole offense and also very good, but the Titans D is decent. Murray is aging in dog years and the Jags D is excellent. I read today that AB is the one single WR in the whole NFL that is matchup proof. It doesn't matter how good Xavier Rhodes and Minnesota are, nobody stops AB. Scott is starting a TE on purpose this week and it's Zach Ertz.

THE PICK: TKSMB 85 - TDHAF 71


ASSTANNER (1-0) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (0-1)
Larry is going to lose this game and drop to 0-2, and that's probably the closest he'll be to .500 for the rest of the season. But here's the silver lining. He'll probably be able to sell players for picks to the stooges who don't yet realize that 2018 is going to be the deepest draft in years, and then he'll be able to take extra picks to build around Mariota, Johnson, and Evans. It'll be nice. Problem is, the nice part is 11 months away.

I would start Kupp over Gore. Frank(ly), I'd start anybody over Gore. That's enough talking about Larry's team for this week.

Chris is going to be 2-0 and he won't yet have faced 100 total points against. Are we seriously starting this shit again? Meanwhile, he might not even score 60 this week. He might win with the 2nd-lowest total of the week. I mean...come on.

This is almost as frustrating as the fact that in Gooddell's NFL, you need to check the injury report and the court docket for weekly player updates.

Awful. Everything sucks.

THE PICK: AT 64 - TWR 51


WTTK? (0-1) vs. TNB (0-1)
I said Chris might have the 2nd-lowest total this week, but I forgot about these two teams. As we all should. Forget winning his game with 60 points this week, Chris could win this division with a 6-8 record. Look at this shit pile!

Actually, I have to take that back for a second. Barker is ALSO going to be 2-0 without facing 100 total points against. Dez will be shut down by Denver, and Barker will have to be...patient...for Burkhead to pay off that 2-year Night Boys contract, but Palmer, Cooks, and Gillislee all have great matchups.

Derek Carr will have a great game and that is IT for WTTK?

This whole fucking division should be contracted.

THE PICK: TNB 74 - WTTK? 50