AFFL Week 1 Preview

SEASON: 0-0


In my other league, I started Rex Burkhead and benched Kareem Hunt, so it took all of 3 hours for me to start hating fantasy football again. Good times? No, great times.


THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (0-0) vs. RUSSELLMANIA (0-0)
Not to belabor the Season Preview, but I just want to point out that we go through the same thing every single year. Everybody says my team sucks because I don't have the name brand players that your precious magazines and cheat sheets tell you are good. And then I go out and either win the division or make the playoffs. It happens every single year. Why are we still going through this?

I mean, Gary, for god's sake, said there is no difference between my team and McCamey's. I am sure Gary looks at Bilal Powell and Rob Kelley and figures they are the same. A sophisticate such as myself realizes that Powell's team is bad and will never be running the second half, while Kelley's team is good and he will get many second half handoffs and late touchdowns while bleeding out the clock.

Also, I have 6 receivers better than McCamey's best WR. Minor detail.

Ok, onto the games.

I never have any respect for the CBS projections because they are absolute garbage. When you look at the actual numbers, I honestly have no idea what they're based on. They're complete trash. They are at least 30 points off of me this week.

Yes, Ben struggles on the road against bad teams...except Cleveland. I desperately want to start Martavis right away, but maybe better off not since he hasn't played in a year and missed camp. Plus, Ben is a hedge against those points. AJ will tear up Baltimore, Kelley will score a TD, Watkins is playing a terrible, terrible Colts team missing Vontae Davis, and Amari has an easy matchup against the Titans. Carlos Hyde, maybe the matchup against Carolina is tricky, but let's not overrate them, nor forget that Kyle Shanahan backs always pile up receiving yards.

Reports are that Odell is 50-50 to play. The Giants are in the Sunday night game, which ordinarily would mean that Barker would need to either start somebody early or risk Odell putting up a 0dell. (That was terrible)

But since luck is on his side this year, he has Demaryius, Diggs, Perkins, and Allen all playing late games, so he can wait out the roster decision as long as possible. Best case for me is that Odell starts and is limited. Best case for the league is Odell starts, tweaks his ankle, and misses six weeks. Worst case is Odell starts and I watch him catch 2 TDs for 160 yards.

Wilson should be good in Green Bay, but Miller will struggle against a surprisingly good Jaguars D. Pryor, I want to see it first. Julio is amazing, but not so much outdoors, even when the weather is nice. I do like Diggs against the Saints, though.

So Brian Barker's team, which is so good because he has all these guys you've heard of before with your simple minds, loses to my terrible team this week, which somehow puts up a huge score.

THE PICK: TDHGNM 108 - RM 92


THE NATIONAL RAZOR (0-0) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (0-0)
Three things I always remember are the Lions going 4-0 in the preseason before going 0-16, the Pats going 0-4 in the preseason before going 18-1, and Buffalo beating the Pats in Week 1 33-0 in one year that the Pats won the Super Bowl. So I don't want to overreact here...

...but 40-year old Tom Brady looked extremely skittish around contact last night. Did you see the play where he turtled in the pocket, but nobody touched him, so he stood up and fired a pass over somebody's head? I'm not saying it's over. I'm saying it's interesting right now.

Gary is actually starting TY Hilton on the road, outdoors, against a good Rams defense, catching "passes" from Scott Tolzien. Garcon will get 8-9 catches, but who knows if any finish in the end zone. Freeman will be just fine, but don't get too excited for CJ and Sanders thanks to The Trevor Siemian Experience.

If Todd Gurley does not light up this Colts defense at home, he is officially bad. Bri should trade to trade him ASAP if he has less than 10 points. Crabtree will steal a touchdown from Cooper because he always does, but Crowder has been hurt for a bit and might not be up to full speed yet. Doug Baldwin will score 20 points against Green Bay. If Cam and Crowell can do even a little bit, Bri gets a cheap win.

THE PICK: TKSMB 87 - TNR 68


THE NIGHT BOYS (0-0) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (0-0)
As mentioned, I started Rex Burkhead because I read something yesterday from Mike Lombardi, "close associate of Bill Belichick," that Burkhead would be everybody's fantasy darling after Thursday night. Fuck Mike Lombardi. That guy is like Jim Cramer. Fucking loud and fucking wrong.

Anyway, Barker had to start Burkhead because what other option does he have? Gillislee more than made up for it with 3 TDs, an Cooks was decent. If each starting position can average 11-12 points a game, you should win more often than not. Barker's 3 Pats averaged 11.2 points last night, keeping him on pace. I am extremely curious to see where this Pats-heavy experiment goes this year. Especially since Gary might be very ready to trade Brady after last night.

Barker is not starting Franchise Player Dez Bryant this week, favoring the Palmer-John Brown link. It was just a month ago when John Brown was trending toward retirement because of sickle cell issues. I like John Brown a lot, but...seems iffy in Week 1?

One day after I declared Larry to have the 2nd-best team in the league I'm declaring that I don't like anything about him this week. Mariota goes on the road against a tough defense, Frank Gore is 110 years old and facing a good defense with 110 men in the box thanks to Scott Tolzien, Denver will shut down Tyrell Williams again, and while Alshon is much bigger than Josh Norman, I'd like to see he and Wentz in a game together.

David Johnson might score 22 points and it won't be enough.

THE PICK: TNB 72 - TWR 66


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (0-0) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (0-0)
So...I guess Kareem Hunt was worth a 1st round pick after all.

A couple of days after the draft, after I tried to take Hunt in the 8th round only to find out Timmy beat me to him by two rounds, I asked how much Hunt would cost. Tim said a first rounder because he'll be a starter soon. This was before Ware got hurt. I scoffed, wondering how Hunt's price shot up 5 rounds in 2 days.

On the one hand, if we're entering a world where Trump can be President and Tim knows more about football than me...I mean, I don't know if I can be a part of that world. On the other hand, it was pretty enjoyable watching Timmy take it to Timmy Doesn't Have Any Friends on opening night.

Hunt scored 41.6 points, and you could almost call it 46.1 points since he forced the Pats DST into a -4.5 night. Scott voted for the defensive points rule change and it took all of one game for him to put up a negative number because of it.

Scott's precious running backs all face tough defenses on the road this week, so it'll be up to AB to make

THIS JUST IN: 
Tim just emailed me right this moment asking "Were is the protections for the match-up win for this week? Cause I know Scott is so pissed, about last nights game."

I had to read it twice to be sure, but I think Tim is downright giddy about reading this preview so he can quench his thirst on Scott's tears. Back to to the preview!

up for the rest of his garbage team. 

Brees will struggle against Minnesota and Tevin Coleman will need a blowout or a touchdown to be useful, but Hopkins and Benjamin have a chance this week. Not that it matters since Kareem Hunt is the rising tide that carries all Tims.

Pretty interesting that the two Alberts that came after me for the season preview won't even crack 70 this week. Prettttttttyyyyyy interestinnnnnnnnng.

THE PICK: S&S 110 - TDHAF 55 (Double him up, Tim!)


WTTK? (0-0) vs. ASSTANNER (0-0)
I almost laughed about Zeke being in the starting lineup until I remember that he's legally allowed to play this week, then he's suspended for 6 weeks. Unless he's not. 

Speaking of which, the NFL suspended former Giants kicker Josh Brown for 6 games recently. Notice I said former. Brown is no longer in the league. And yet he somehow got the same 6-game suspension for domestic violence that Zeke got. Somehow he got this suspension a year after the incident, right around the same time Zeke got his.

I am not condoning domestic violence. I am condoning saying that outside of the White House, Roger Gooddell makes the stupidest fucking decisions in front of a big audience. What's more, I'll say the the rapid expansion of the NFL audience this decade was more related to fantasy football and the way TV covered the game than anything Gooddell actively did. What's more on top of that, 95% of the active decisions he has made have been universally reviled. London games. The concussion fiasco. Suspension fiascoes. Color rush games. Making the draft 3 damn days long. He is a genuinely stupid fucking person and he is paid $50mm a year. America!

And speaking of disasters, folks, how about this WTTK team? (Hold for laughter)

Fuck this trash game. I just want to throw in one more note about McCoy. He should have a nice game this week, but apparently I'm the only person in the league skeptical about a 29-year old back with a history of leg injuries playing for a team that's trying to tank the season with a coach who said he's going to give McCoy as many carries as he can this season. Why not just come right and say, "We're going to run this 29-year-old free agent-to-be until he gets hurts this year and then we'll move on."

THE PICK: AT 82 - WTTK 50


ANIMAL HOUSE (0-0) vs. LITTLE BABY JESUS (0-0)
Tyreek Hill. My goodness. They will of course choke in January, but if Andy Reid spent the summer creating some new West Coast/read option offense will Hill, Kelce, Conley, and Hunt as weapons, it's going to be a quite a show this fall. By no means am I calling Hill a Randy Moss, but he has that same ability to turn one single botched coverage into an easy touchdown. I mean, he was OPEN on that pass.

Mildly interesting note. Semi had two players going last night, two in the Oak/Ten game, three in the GB/Sea game, and also Phil Dawson. An entire lineup in just four games. Maximum efficiency. Even Barker needs five games this week, and he has three Pats!

Rodgers and Nelson are at home, but if I recall the last times these two times played, Sherman shadowed Nelson and Rodgers didn't even bother throwing to him. So that's a problem. We need to see Marshawn play first before we get too excited about it.

Matt Ryan isn't good outside, but Le'Veon Bell is good everywhere, especially in Cleveland. Thomas will struggle against Xavier Rhodes, but McCaffrey will get into the end zone this week, and Fitz might too.

THE PICK: AH 84 - LBJ 71