Thursday, October 19, 2017

AFFL Week 7 Preview

LAST WEEK: 6-0
SEASON: 25-11

Come Tuesday, it's certain that we'll have two 5-2 teams controlling the league. It's also certain that we'll have two 4-3 teams feeling good about themselves.

And it's possible - though maybe not likely - that we have EIGHT 3-4 teams sinking to the bottom of the toilet like a big brown log. Sure, technically that log has its own top and bottom, but really, it's all shit. If you're the top of shit, you're still shit.

Even if we don't achieve the shit singularity, we'll still at a point in which 66% of the league is just...




THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (2-4) vs. THE NATIONAL RAZOR (3-3)
My team is not good. I am under no illusions. The only thing I've done right is traded Amari Cooper before it was too late. Though if Chris tanks without his backs and the 1st rounder he gave me for AJ turns into a lottery pick, that would be pretty good.

The only chance I have at winning this week is Martavis shocking everybody with a long TD, Mack shocking everybody with a long TD, Dion Lewis shocking everybody with a long TD, and Thielen just catching a TD, which he hasn't done this season. But the fact that I still picked up a kicker with Fairbairn speaks to my optimism. As well as my tremendous integrity and concern for the league's competitiveness.

Gary could've traded Emmanuel Sanders, and now he's hurt. He could've traded Andrew Luck but now he's done for the year and has to be cut in order to keep Freeman. I recommend trading CJ ASAP.

All that aside, I am not going to enjoy watching Sunday Night Football when Brady and Freeman give Gary the lead in the first quarter and then continue to run up the score on me.

THE PICK: TNR 81 - TDHGNM 58


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (4-2) vs. ASSTANNER (4-2)
The fact that we need a court order every week to know whether or not Zeke can play is a true testament to Gooddell's incompetence. Having Zeke run against the Niners is much better for Chris than having Wayne Gallman not run against Seattle, that much we do know. In fact, Chris pretty much only has good matchup this week. Even LeSean should have his first good game since Week 1.

Bri is going to have to cave somewhere. Either he moves Cam at a discount rate, cuts Crowell and carries $0.91 against the cap for nothing, or he lets Deshaun walk after the season. In fact, if anything, Bri should be packaging Cam WITH a pick. That's how obvious it is that we'd be doing him a favor by clearing out that contract for him. I offered to take on Crowell and eat the cap hit myself in exchange for considerations, but Bri claims he needs Crowell for Week 10, after the freeze, due to byes. Me, I would cut Crowell, find somebody on the FA pile that can also score 3 points (PLAYER NAME: Anybody, At All) and sign Deshaun, but what do I know?

Actually, I know that keeping a shitty, expensive player for 10 weeks just so you can use him as a bye week fill in, costing yourself a great, cheap QB, is a terrible move. So this is where Bri will cave. He will also cave on the scoreboard this week.

THE PICK: AT 93 - TKSMB 71


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (3-3) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (2-4)
Scott and I have been talking trade on AB all week, and it's going about how you might expect. I've given him a really fun, clever trade option, but he might hold AB to make a run this year. Of course, if I took on AB, I could send the franchise Jaguars DST back to him. LO AND BEHOLD, Scott needs a DST this week! It's perfect.

Then again, he also needs a QB with Jameis out, and might have to play Blount and Forte with Fournette and Murray out.

Assuming Larry takes Dalvin Cook out of his starting lineup (how did he get there in the first place?), I'm calling for the upset. And what a devastating upset it will be. Scott is trying to win and loses, Larry is trying to tank and wins. These guys can't do anything right!

THE PICK: TWR 68 - TDHAF 54


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (4-2) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (4-2)
Meyers picked up JuJu? When did that happen? I swear, all of his moves just happen with no warning. The Sunday night is obviously pretty key for Meyers, considering he'll have Ryan and Gronk trying to make up a deficit. You would think that Ryan wouldn't have much problem against the Pats secondary, but this game is on the road, outside, and the whole Falcons offense has been off track since Kyle Shanahan left.

Still, Meyers might be down 30 points by the time the sun goes down Sunday. I'd be more excited about Brees against the Packers if the game was in our southernest state and not our northernest, but even if Brees struggles, Ingram should run wild. Especially if the Saints are bleeding the clock in this Brett Hundley game.

It'll be close Sunday night, but Tim will go to be atop the AFFL. Assuming he can stay up that late.

THE PICK: SS 88 - AH 83


THE NIGHT BOYS (2-4) vs. LITTLE BABY JESUS (3-3)
Semi has AP, Marshawn, AND Jamaal Charles. What year does he think this is? Me, I know it's 2017 because those 3 guys are only costing his $2.92 in cap space. In 2013, that trio would've set him back like $6.50. But now? Man, it's like 2 of the original members of ELO are playing the Washington County Fair billed as Electric Night Orchestra for legal purposes.

Barker's another guy who's going to win this week when he needs to lose? Doesn't anybody know how to tank around here? Do you guys really want to sneak into the #6 seed with a 6-8 record?

THE PICK: TNB 94 - LBJ 72


WTTK? (2-4) vs. RUSSELLMANIA (3-3)
The best receiving cob in the league is starting Nelson Agholor this week. That's how quickly things have changed in 2017. First round pick Terrelle Pryor has been a huge disappointment, right? Guess what? Julio Jones only has 10 more points. Only 1.66666666666666666667 more points per week. Agholor is actually outscoring Julio by 20!

Cousins will have to throw to keep up with Wentz, which is good for McCamey, but the last time DeMarco Murray was hurt and Henry had big points the previous week, he put up a 6. Additionally, every single article I read this week said Joe Mixon will break out against the Steelers and finally prove his value, so guess how that's going to turn out. Davante Adams without Rodgers and Jaron Brown at all?

Man, both of these teams have some huge holes this week. I guess...

THE PICK: WTTK? 64 - RM 60


Tuesday, October 17, 2017

AFFL Week 6 Review

Yooooooo! I won AND the picks went 6-0. It's been a while since I felt this good! Sometimes I just can't get enough of myself!




THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 69.3 - ASSTANNER 55.5 ๐Ÿ‘
I assume Gary's annual "I can't put your moves through at 12:59pm on Sunday, guyz!" email was in reference to Chris trying to pick up a kicker last minute. But if that kicker was anything like his other pick ups this week, it wouldn't have made a difference. Picked up Michael Floyd, who scored 0.5. Traded Jeremy Maclin and a pick for Willie Snead, then benched Snead, who scored 1.1 points. Neither Maclin nor Snead would get picked in the 4th round, so good luck figuring out that trade. Torrey Smith, who was not a new pick up, scored 0.6.

Though, honestly, around 2pm I was fairly upset by the thought that Jerick McKinnon was going to upset me. Why is he scoring 20 points?!? Around 4pm I was upset by the thought that I am never going to start or bench Buck Allen correctly. But then Carlos Hyde slipped into the end zone for a second time, then DeSean got in there once and all of the upset thoughts just melted away.

By the way, if you're wondering, I don't have any concrete thoughts on the Martavis trade request rumors just yet. It does seem like pretty odd timing, though.


RUSSELLMANIA 75.2 - THE NATIONAL RAZOR 57.7 ๐Ÿ‘
T.Y. Hilton did not get into the end zone, as I predicted, but this game wasn't that close anyway because Brady didn't do that much on Sunday. TY, BTW, has scored 20+ in 2 games this season and 4- in 4 games this season. TY is like a concentrated version of AJ.

Actually, maybe he's a concentrated version of Gary. Gary has gone over 100 twice, but has been under 70 thrice. That's the exact type of team that loses a playoff game in heartbreaking fashion. Kamara was serviceable after last week's breakout, Garcon should've done much more against a very banged up Washington secondary, and Freeman...I mean, Atlanta probably wouldn't have blown a 17-point lead at home if they handed it off more. CJ Anderson, what the hell are you doing? 1.7 points from a guy Gary thinks is worth a 1st round pick in a trade?

I feel like Brian Barker wants to just go into tank mode with this team but can't because he keeps winning every other week. Interestingly, aside from Week 4 when he posted 111 on Brian Williams, Barker has been between 69-77 points every other week.

This is the worst, weirdest fantasy season I've even see. Whomever lucks ass backwards into the title should never take credit for winning this season.


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 84.8 - WTTK? 83.6 ๐Ÿ‘
Wowwwwwwwwwwww. Derrick Henry was 1.3 points away from creating one of the greatest moments in AFFL history. They would've brought back Alcoa Fantastic Finishes if McCamey pulled this one out. And I woulda missed it! I went to bed at the 2-minute warning.

The fascinating, remarkable, and stunning gap between Crabtree and Cooper TDs continued this week, and Ajayi had another usable game. Kelce was held down for the first time in a while, and Ty Montgomery is now totally useless between Aaron Jones and Brett Hundley.

But the Ravens were the real difference here. 2 defensive TDs, 2 fumble recoveries, and 4 sacks. Take away a single one of those and Bri loses this game.

PS, Brian Williams should've sprinted to Semi's bed side once Rodgers was hurt. It was a glorious chance to move Cam and franchise Watson. But it looks like Brian Barker had the same idea and beat him to it. I like to imagine that Barker cut off Williams like so:



John Brown caught a TD this week. Unfortunately, McCamey has Jaron Brown on his team. He did not catch a TD.


ANIMAL HOUSE 96.4 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 59.7 ๐Ÿ‘
Larry had a full roster this week and more than doubled his scoring. That said, when you start with 25 points this week, you probably need to quadruple your score and no K or DST is going to do that for you.

Oh, speaking of, Dustin Hopkins got hurt this week and his now on IR. So we'll soon get to soon whether or not Larry will bother picking up a kicker for the rest of the season.

Michael Thomas had 11 receiving yards in a 52-38 win. Remember August when everybody said he was a breakout player? Remember two weeks when everybody said Latavius Murray was a good pickup? Remember four days ago when everybody said Elijah McGuire was a great spot start against the Patriots? We're all just fooling ourselves here, folks, pretending that any actual knowledge goes into this.

Gronk and Bell combined for 260 yards, 3 TDs, and 0 injuries, which is an absolute best case scenario for those two.


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 117.3 - THE NIGHT BOYS 72 ๐Ÿ‘
You all are aware that Scott wants to move AB so he can extend Fournette, right? Problem is, there are maybe 3 three teams in the league that could take on AB as a FP, which is why he offered up Murray later in the week. But, I mean, would you rather trade for a 2/3 RB with constant hamstring issues and a young backup breathing down his neck? Or would you rather wait until 2018 and draft Fournette yourself? Seems like a pretty easy choice if you ask me.

On the other hand, maybe Scott should just live in the now and run at a 2017 title with the team as is. He's scored 241 points in the last 2 weeks. When Zach Ertz is posting 13 points on 18 yards because he had 2 TDs, it might be your year.

Here's something interesting. Scott and Brian Williams are perfect trade partners. Bri could franchise AB, cut Crowell and sign Deshaun. Scott could use Cam on a 1/X with Jameis hurt and franchise Fournette. There's only one problem. Why would either one of them be eager to help out their only real competition for the title in an incredibly soft season? The irony of losing the title game to a guy you traded away is probably too much to ever live down.

The Kevin Hogan experiment ended for the Browns in just 1 week, and I assume it ended for Barker as well. A shame to waste a 21 point effort from the Texans defense.


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER 102.7 - LITTLE BABY JESUS 42.9
Then again, maybe it's Tim's year. Kareem Hunt only had 21 rushing yards and still managed 11 points. Adrian Peterson, who never got any carries, somehow was holding Ingram back because he went off for 26 points this week. The Vikings DST didn't get any bonus points for ending the Packers' season, but it was perfect timing the week that Timmy was facing Rodgers and Jordy.

Fun quirk. In both of my leagues Rodgers and Jordy are on the same team. Semi can trade for Alex Smith, he can start AP next week and chase those 25.6 bench points, but his season is over. Problem is, the competition for the #1 pick is probably going to be tougher than the competition for the title this season.


Friday, October 13, 2017

AFFL Week 6 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2
SEASON: 19-11

We dedicate this week's song to the Dolphins' former offensive line coach. He thought he was her daddy but she had five more.





THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (1-4) vs. ASSTANNER (4-1)
Whooooooooooooooo, Zeke! Oh baby! He can kneel for the anthem this week if wants! Ain't nothin' Jerry can do to him when he's sitting at home!

Dallas is actually on a bye this week, so Chris will be without Zeke in Week 6, Week 7, Week 8, Week 9, Week 10, Week 11, and Double Week 12. He'll be back for the last game of our regular season and the playoffs, assuming Chris can even make the playoffs, even with a 4-1 head start.

Legal proceedings aside, also sitting this one out due to bye are Shady, AJ, and kicker Dan Bailey. Plus, this is also newly relevant Alfred Morris' bye. Oh, and Dalvin Cook is gone due to injury. This week is the part of season documentary when Liev Schrieber grimly intones, "But the Asstanner did not realize at the moment that this was the season's high water mark."

If that's not enough for you, Devante Parker is hurt, Wayne Gallman isn't going to do a thing against Denver, and Kendall Wright isn't going to do a thing against Baltimore. Jerick McKinnon, who ruined my Latavius pickup last week, is going to need to score about 60 points to hurt me for a second week in a row.

So...I am happy to have landed Odell and I'm happy to sign him to a contract. He'll be expensive in '18 and '19 to be sure, but I now feel like I essentially have 3 first round picks next year.

Let me tell you how I almost blew it.

I had it in my head (incorrectly) that I'd have the #1 waiver priority for any waiver player this week. I figured I could grab Mack on Tuesday, and then when BB dropped Odell for somebody on Tuesday, I'd also have priority for Odell on Wednesday. As it turns out, I had priority for Mack, but using that move burned my priority for the week. The priority doesn't reset until next week. So I got Mack, yeah, but I fell back in line on Odell.

While fighting off mild heart attack system with half an aspirin, I asked Gary to erase my Mack move and give me Odell since we had discussed it Monday. He (correctly) told me my move had to stand. Lucky for me, half the league couldn't even afford Odell due to cap problems and I ended up getting him anyway. Not my finest moment overall.

But after all of that, was it even a good move? Well, when I was kicking myself for my stupidity, Gary told me not to worry. I'd probably still get Odell because nobody else would even go for him because picking him up was the wrong move because he'll be so expensive in '18 and '19. On the other hand, after the pickup was announced Brian Williams emailed me within 10 minutes to say it was the only good move I've made this season. So figure out whether you like Gary or Bri better and there's your answer.

But here was my reaction:



Oh! The game! I almost forgot. My team is not good. I'm looking at it this week and there's simply no way to talk myself into competing this year. And yet...I'm going to win this week simply because of Chris' roster problems. And it's entirely possible that after this week five teams will be 4-2, five more will be 2-4, and the other two will be 3-3. I'm potentially 1.5 games out of the playoffs with 8 games left.

I just can't win many more of those 8.

PS, I didn't even want Mack and Perine that much. I only picked them up so Chris can't have them for this game.

THE PICK: TDHGNM 65 - AT 50


THE NATIONAL RAZOR (3-2) vs. RUSSELLMANIA (2-3)
Kudos to Brian Barker for figuring out a way to make a kicker cost more than his listed price. Thanks to his Bryant-Rams-Folk-Bryant debacle, Brian is paying $1.86 for Bryant this season even though he only costs $1.64 this year.

Brian has 27 players listed on his 2017 team sheet, a number that makes even Chris shake his head. He had five players on his roster for a single week. Matt Stafford is practically a veteran, having lasted two weeks. He has $0.06 of cap room at the moment, though he could drop Alex Smith and the Rams after Seattle's bye this week.

He had a ton of picks coming into the season, he made a ton of splashy trades before the draft, he's had a ton of bad luck, and he's made a ton of mistakes.

Reminder: This was the #1 ranked team coming into the season. This fantasy life is wild.

This might be one of the toughest games to pick so far this season. It's even tough to pick who I want to win. Gary falling to 3-3 would be hilarious, but Barker falling to 2-4 helps me in the division. Both Brady and Smith should have good games, but an edge to Brady. Lamar Miller can't have two good games in a row, and even though I'm flexing Kamara in my other league, I'm skeptical about the classic rookie-second-string-RB-whose-had-one-good-game-so-far-that-happened-to-be-last-week. But I like Duke, who is now Cleveland's best RB ahead of Cr๐Ÿ˜žwell, and I like Freeman against Miami.

Julio and Keenan have good matchups, whereas TY is on the road, and Sanders might get Janoris Jenkins at times. Barker has a DST edge, but Matt Bryant is questionable and he cannot afford another kicker this week without dropping a name brand player like Demaryius.

Man, close one. Definitely coming down to TY on Monday night as we're all watching. But TY will not get in the end zone, wasting a huge game from Brady.

THE PICK: RM 81 - TNR 79


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (3-2) vs. WTTK? (2-3)
Cam looked baaaaaaaad last night. It didn't even matter that he was throwing into triple coverage because he was so inaccurate that he missed all four guys by 10 yards. It was so bad that I was waiting for Romo to explain how a coach will call plays for a comeback when a QB can't hit his receivers.

It helps that franchise players can now be 1/Xed, but even with his salary at $0.74, I can't see anybody offering more than a 5th rounder for such a bad QB. Maaaaaaybe Brian Barker, who needs to prioritize cheap over good right now.

The problem is that Brian Williams, as you know, is an accountant. A QB who only costs $0.74 and can be 1/X is a real asset in this league. It would physically pain him to give away such an asset, even a damaged asset, for such a pittance. Cut Cam? Please. He probably has a special script running on his AFFL league page that fires off a big, red ERROR! YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED TO MAKE THIS TRANSACTION! warning if he tries to drop Cam. Like if you try to write off 150% of your salary in TurboTax or some shit.

But!

He also has DeShaun Watson, who only costs FORTY CENTS. Now THAT is an asset! That's an asset you need to keep. Problem is, all of Bri's contract slots are full. So he needs to do something in order to keep DeShaun. Trade Cam for what he thinks is not enough, go against the entirety of his being and cut Cam, or go against part of his being and cut "starting" running back Isaiah Cr๐Ÿ˜ขwell, eating $0.62 or so in cap space for nothing.

Quite a pickle.

Anyway, DeShaun should be great again this week, but Cousins should be even better against that Niners defense. Crowell and Ajayi will do nothing, and Gurley could be limited by a Jacksonville selling out to stop the run like they did against the Steelers last week.

Then again, outside of Cousins and maybe Abdullah, McCamey is rolling out a whole lot of nothing this week. Jordan Reed could have 20 points or 2 concussions, Derrick Henry is getting 10 carries, John Brown is all or nothing, and the Dolphins defense? Really? Going into Atlanta? Okay.

Bri gets away with one here.

THE PICK: TKSMB 73 - WTTK? 66


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (2-3) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (3-2)
I mentioned that I essentially have 3 first round picks next year, but Larry goes into 2018 with David Johnson, Dalvin Cook, Mike Evans, and a potential lottery pick. Not too shabby. Hopefully the wait is worth it because there is no point in talking about this matchup or the rest of Larry's 2017.

THE PICK: AH 69 - TWR 50


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (2-3) vs. THE NIGHT BOYS (3-2)
Barker is starting Kevin Hogan this week, which is fitting because he is turning into the Cleveland of the AFFL. This team dedicates itself to the musical memory of Doo Doo Brown.




Scott lost the first 3, will win the next 3, and here we stand.

THE PICK: TDHAF 85 - TNB 49


SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER (3-2) vs. LITTLE BABY JESUS (3-2)
Semi is only paying $0.90 for Peterson for the rest of the season. That's a $1.61 discount from his Week 1 contract price. That has to be the biggest in-season price cut on any player in league history. You could fill out an entire roster of players who don't cost $1.61. Bri has TWO quarterbacks that don't add up to $1.61.

As for Semi's other players, Rodgers always gets by against Minny, but Xavier Rhodes will shut down a gimpy Jordy. Tyreek had a hamstring problem this week, but if he's healthy, the Steelers don't have anybody that can come close to covering him. Lynch is cooked, but Hogan should put up at least 16 against the Jets.

Jordan Howard is really good. Watching him last Monday, he is really something. He's on a bad team and $1.92 is way too expensive, but he's very good.

Speaking on MNF, what is with this new trend in which a team will play a prime time in consecutive weeks or 2 out of 3 weeks? Why are we driving this team so hard? Why in the hell are the Bears and Colts taking up 4 prime time games in the first 6 weeks?

Anyway, Brees can light up the Lions, and Hunt will destroy the Steelers. Hopkins will be nice against Cleveland, but Rishard Matthews can't do anything with Cassel throwing to him. I'd put Ingram in there instead. If Tim plays Ingram, he'll win.

THE PICK: SS 82 - LBJ 77










Tuesday, October 10, 2017

AFFL Week 5 Review

A few housekeeping notes before the review. After 4 1/2 years of working remotely and 5 months of not working at all, I start a traditional office job this week. It remains to be seen how this affect the Krog Blog, though I'm guessing brevity is likely. Just wanted to put that out there so you don't think my bad season is leading to a lack of interest. I am fine with my bad season.

Anyway, let's get on with my team's funeral.





THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 89.9 - THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 50.8 ๐Ÿ‘Ž
Here was my weekend. Played an over 40 soccer game on Saturday, lost 5-1. Went to the Steelers game and watched that whole debacle, including Ben posting 0.5 points. (Sure, it was a little fun watching my DST put up back-to-back pick 6s, but not at the expense of a 30-9 loss.) Sunday night, when I went into my beer league hockey game, Deshaun Watson had 3 points. We lost the game 4-0 and I came outside to discover Deshaun now had 33 points. Oh, and I also lost in my other league thanks to Melvin Gordon.

It was not a triumphant weekend.

Then again, at least I didn't lose my job because a stripper angrily leaked a video I sent her of me blowing rails before a big meeting like a certain Dolphins offensive line coach who will remain nameless.

I could've won this game had I started Rivers or Allen. Or not traded AJ. I could be 4-1 right now, but basically every decision I've made so far has turned out to be the wrong one, going all the way back to the draft. For instance, I would've won this week had I started Rivers and Allen instead of Ben and Williams. I had the #1 waiver priority and grabbed Murray. The Vikings ran with McKinnon. I could've grabbed McKinnon or Aaron Jones. But nope!

Not to mention Ware and Robinson both going down before halftime of Week 1. Maybe they're both only slightly above average, but that's still a starting RB and #1 WR gone just like that.

That's fine. I could use a mental break this season as I just prep for 2018.

How do the Texans score 34 and Fairbairn only has 2?! At least my franchise-worthy DST had a big day. Not that it mattered.

I'm not bold enough to suggest my comments on Cam led to his benching, but I went from being amused that he had 23 points on the bench to wishing Bri's QB only had 23 points. Gurley was held down, Ajayi was held down, Baldwin was held, but Crabtree scored a touchdown, just like he does every single week instead of Cooper.


THE NATIONAL RAZOR 81.3 - WTTK? 62.4 ๐Ÿ‘
I'm sure Gary is feeling very satisfied and pleased with himself that he won this week after refusing to trade for Cooper or Watkins and just picking up Will Fuller. Even though the game was decided before Fuller even started. I am also sure that Gary's 3-2 team is very, very good, and extremely likely to make a deep playoff run this season because it is so good.

Fuller did catch another 2 TDs despite my claims that he wouldn't. TY Hilton, clearly inspired by the intelligence, courage, and patriotism of Mike Pence, had a nice game as well.

Stunningly, Bilal Powell followed up his 20+ game with only 3.3 points this week. Ameer Abdullah and Joe Mixon to continue to defy their hype with bad numbers, but the MIA defense did put up 20 thanks to the hideousness and Matt Cassell. The Titans came out and said they refused to give Kaepernick a tryout this week because they don't want the distraction. Shit, man, all of life is a distraction right now. Every six seconds it's some new issue we all have to worry about. I personally think it would be a bigger distraction to have a good team go 0-4 in the middle of the season because Matt Cassell is awful, but what do I know? Couldn't the Titans run essentially the same offense with Kaep in for Mariota and possibly go 2-2, staying alive in a wide-open division? And you don't think bringing in Brandon Damn Weeden, who might literally be the worst possible option available, sends a loud and clear signal that isn't a distraction in and of itself?

Davante Adams returned from a near-death experience and caught 2 TDs, including an incredible game winner. McCamey benched him against the terrible Dallas defense, but he wouldn't have won even with Davante's points. All that benching did was save us all from more Gary self satisfaction over Will Fuller.

ASSTANNER 98.3 - RUSSELLMANIA 69.4 ๐Ÿ‘
While I bemoan my luck this season, we can't ignore Brian Barker. Never got Odell and Julio going in a single game. Diggs might be hurt now. Traded for Younghoe Koo right before he got cut, then replaced him with Nick Folk 2 hours before he blew the game for Tampa and got himself cut. He paid like $0.30 for 2 points. He left Alex Smith's 24.7 points on the bench, mostly because he got caught in a salary cap crunch trying to pick up the Rams defense and needed to scramble and add a legal player.

Chris left Jerick McKinnon's 20.6 points on the bench. Not that it mattered, since he had AJ's 23.9 and Wentz' 25.2 in the starting lineup.

The only interesting things about this matchup is that both teams had an RB with the initials LM score 8.9 points, and they both had a WR get hurt and go out of the game with under 10 yards. What a thrill.


LITTLE BABY JESUS 84.6 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 25.8 ๐Ÿ‘
The only positives for Larry in this one are that he was right about not needing a K and a DST, and that he didn't break the record for fewest points in a game. In 2001, the Fantasy Takers posted a 19, and in 2009, Scott posted a 22.

Aaron Rodgers nearly beat the Rippers by himself, thanks to his demi-god performance against the Cowboys. That whole thing was ridiculous. It's one thing when fans think a QB might be able to drive for a game-tying field goal with 1:18 left. It's quite another when you think that's probably enough time for him to get a TD and win.


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 124.1 - ANIMAL HOUSE 46.9 ๐Ÿ‘Ž
Predicting Scott to only score 66 points in a loss might have been my worst pick of all time. I was literally 100% off.

I was off on Jameis, who looked atrocious Thursday night. I was off on Gordon, who had his best game of the year, I was off on Zach Ertz, and I was off on Fournette, who most definitely kept his TD streak alive. Man, when he turned that corner and waved on Mitchell? Even sitting in Section 511, maybe 300 yards away, it was a terrifying sight.

On his 90-yard bonus TD, according to NextGen Stats, he hit the highest top speed of any player so far this season. I don't think since early AP have we seen a back so big, so fast, who looked like a man amongst boys in college looking like a man among lesser men in the NFL. It's something. Thank God we changed the rules so Chris or Scott can't steal Saquon Barkley from the 2018 draft.

I still have absolutely no feel for this season. Except for Hunt, and possibly Gurley, every single player is up and down from week to week. There's no consistency, no logic in who's going to be good in a given week. It's impossible. That's why we're seeing so many sub-70 AFFL scores this year and why every team in the league (even me) is still alive. (Probably not me)

My best guess is that it partly comes from what we saw last night. A team struggles in game, guys get hurt, the speed back comes in, converts a 3rd-and-4 and now the offense goes no huddle and the expected 20 carries for the main guy just dissolve. I really have no idea at this point, though.

Meyers got slightly boned by Gronk being a late scratch, but, uh, it didn't much matter.


THE NIGHT BOYS 82.8 - SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER 75.9
Well, The Night Boys didn't crack triple digits like I thought they would, but they did win. Dak sealed this game (but not the Dallas game) with a great read option TD run, Aaron Jones looked great with 19.4, and Dez got in the end zone even though he didn't have a ton of yards.

Jones, again, I mean...I could've just as easily picked him up after Week 1. But every depth chart and article I saw said Jamaal Williams was the second stringer. Then, last week, we all see that Jones is much more lively than Williams is, and maybe even more than Montgomery is. I'm not whining or complaining; I'm just baffled. Could he not pass protect or something? Were the Packers just not giving him carries in practice? I really have no idea. Again, I think this season is just so hard to figure out. I mean, clearly. Maybe it's just me.

Not much to say about Tim in this one. With byes and such, he played his best available lineup. They just didn't score enough. Scored enough to beat me, but the schedule wasn't in his favor.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

AFFL Week 5 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2
SEASON: 15-9

It's true that this is shaping up to be a transition season for me, though I'm not giving up hope just yet. There's a possibility that I could be one of five different 2-3 teams come Monday night, with a pair of 1-4 teams in the back. But if I lose this week, my team will be going through:




By the way, are you folks listening to these songs each week? I'm not just satisfied with improving your fantasy football smarts. I'm also working to improve your cultural and sonic smarts. I'm probably failing on both counts. You people are worthless.

Anyway, at least listen to this one. It's real chill and cool and good.


THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (1-3) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (2-2)
I have one more word in my team name, so I'm already ahead of Bri on that count.

So, let's be real about my team. I knowingly drafted a boom or bust team this year. I did it on purpose because the draft was so gross. I had no interest in scouring for guys who might scrape out 6.7 points a week. I'm all about that sex appeal, y'all! I did the same thing in my other league, where I'm 2-2 because I've scored 63-125-67-119. The difference is my AFFL team has yet to boom.

(Yes, I do have Martavis on both teams. Why do you ask?)

Anyway, I'm due for a boom. DeSean will definitely catch a long TD tonight against the terrible Pats defense, Hyde should get back in the end zone against the Colts, and this is the week for Ben and Martavis to finally connect on a deep ball. Yes, that would technically hurt me slightly because of the Jags D, but I'll live.

Another reason I think I'm not dead just yet is Latavius Murray. Not because he's much more than average, but because the injuries are just starting. Pretty much every team in this league is 1-2 injuries away from being in real trouble, so let's all have a little patience.

Of course, if I fall to 1-4, you can trade for Murray Tuesday morning.

Cam is back in the starting lineup. I guess one good game against the worst defense in the league means he's ready to face a strong Lions defense. Or maybe Bri just agrees with Cam that dames don't know nuttin' about pigskin. You wanna talk football, Betty? Make me a football-shaped pepperoni roll! If ya even knows what a football looks like, ya dizzy dame!

Hue Jackson says he has faith in Isaiah Crowell, which is exactly what he said before the season started. After 20.40 total points in 4 games, Jackson is either delusional or lying. Maybe both. Perhaps Bri will be tempted to play Montgomery or Crabtree if they get a doctor's note. No chance they get re-injured in the middle of the game.

The Titans defense is bad. The Miami offense is worse. The moveable object vs. the resistable force. Maybe Ajayi will finally score. Gurley should be great against Seattle since they're struggling with the run, Crosby has a really nice matchup against the Cowboys, and the Ravens DST gets EJ Manuel.

Hmm. So...I'm due for a boom this week. I need a win to save my season. And it looks like Bri is going to have a nice game this week.

Come Monday night, I'm going to need at least 23 points out of Murray and Thielen to pull out a win. I say they each get in the end zone once and I'm reminded that dreams do come true. Hey, if you don't believe in yourself, who will believe in you? Think I saw that on a coffee mug once.

THE PICK: TDHGNM 94 - TKSMB 87


WTTK? (2-2) vs. THE NATIONAL RAZOR (2-2)
So McCamey finally revealed his acronym. Three years of "mystery" and that's it? That's the best you can do? Not exactly the best long game I've ever seen. It wasn't quite as exciting as the last scene of The Game.

Gary has scored 130 more points than McCamey, but could fall behind him in the standings this week. Interesting. But don't think a Gary win is assured here. Gary's boom or bust team looks like my other league team mentioned above. He's either in the 60s or the 100s. McCamey's best game is 74 and his worst game is 35, so he has more of a bust and BUST team.

Gary has a slight edge at quarterback with Tom Brady against Jacoby Brissett for Bill. Rough break for Bill having Carr hurt and Cousins on a bye. Speaking of byes, Gary's refusal to be reasonable on a trade means he has a banged-up Wendell Smallwood going against Arizona, assuming he actually plays, and new pick up Will Fuller going against Kansas City. Fuller, who hadn't played in a year due to a knee injury, looks like he had a good game last week. Hey, 15 points! Pretty good! Except...he had 2 TDs on just 35 receiving yards. Feel like he won't repeat the 2 TD part this week.

And sure, Amari Cooper probably won't do much either, but I did also offer DeSean Jackson, who is going to score 18 points this week.

Okay, I'll level with you. I was desperately trying to talk myself into McCamey this week just for the hilarity. But Shiva H. Vishnu, look at this roster! Ameer Abdullah against a good run defense, Joe Mixon against a good run defense, Bilal Powell against a team that should touch him when he's on the ground, Davante Adams against the specter of death. Oh, and JJ Nelson, who has 3.4 total points in the last 2 weeks.

THE PICK: TNR 77 - WTTK? 50


RUSSELLMANIA (2-2) vs. ASSTANNER (3-1)
There's a decent chance that Aaron Donald breaks Russell Wilson's ribs this week like an older brother jumping on the couch on his younger brother. Lamar Miller finally got into double digits against a bad Titans defense; we can assume he won't do the same against the Chiefs this week. Beckham is dinged up and facing a pretty good CB (I'm aware he can only be shut down by injury, not a defense), Keenan Allen with get Janoris Jenkins, who has shut down everybody this year, and Bears are keeping lids on all WRs so far this year, so good luck to Stefon Diggs.

That pretty much leaves Doug Martin, who returns from suspension on a short week for a game in which the Bucs will need to throw 60 times to keep up. Not great.

Here's another reason to not give up too early. Chris is going to be 4-1 after this week, but is he really that good? If Zeke's suspension is upheld in court this week, isn't going to be .500 by the time he's back? If not 4-7? Unless one of you dummies bails Chris out with a trade. Why are you doing that!? We talked about this!

On behalf of Brian's wife and the breakable objects in his house, I implore to skip both SNF and MNF and avoid the increasing of not watching Miller and Diggs do enough to catch up to Chris.

THE PICK: AT 76 - RM 67


LITTLE BABY JESUS (2-2) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (2-2)
Get ready for the first controversy of the season, folks!

Actually, it's probably the 10th by now. But dig in, because...

...

...Larry is intentionally leaving his K and DST empty this week. He figures he can't win this week anyway, so why bork his cap picking up a K and DST for just this week? I tried to talk him out of it, mainly because I don't want Semi going to 3-2 in my division. Oh yeah. And also because of integrity. Yes, integrity. So have at it in the comments section, everyone!

Thing is, I'm not entirely convinced it's hopeless. Cutler could actually do something against the Titans, who are bottom 5 in every defensive metric, Mike Evans could score 20+ on the Pats, Hurns can beat the Steelers' coverage, and Mack or Gore could get yards on the Niners.

Yeah, Semi has Rodgers and Jordy lighting up the Cowboys, but Marshawn is doing nothing, Jimmy Graham is doing nothing, and Hogan and Hill are both up and down.

Come Tuesday, I am absolutely going to cherry pick the 1 kicker and 1 defense that Larry could've won with for the review. I will ignore the FA K that scores 2 and the DST that posts a -6 as a way to show that Larry made a decent choice in just skipping them this week. That is my vow to you.

THE PICK: LBJ 76 - TWR 59


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (1-3) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (3-1)
As of this writing, Meyers doesn't have a QB this week. Matt Ryan is on a bye, and Adrian Peterson is occupying the bench slot that would be better served by a backup QB. Now, a QB is more important to have than a K or DST, but maybe Meyers thinks he can beat without one. Or, more likely, he doesn't look at the league site between 1130pm Monday and 11:30am Sunday, if he even looks at it that much.

But maybe he can win with no QB. Bell should run wild on the Jags, who shut down the pass but let teams run wild on them. McCaffrey is going to get into the end zone at some point (I think?), and Gronk might be able to catch a TD tonight before hurting himself again.

Tonight is Jameis' big chance to show everybody he's very good and will be very good in the future. He should throw 4 TDs and definitely not throw 4 picks that make everybody wonder if he's any good. AB will struggle with Jalen Ramsey, Melvin Gordon will struggle with being a shit running back, DeMarco Murray has one good run all season, and Fournette has had below-average yardage totals masked by the fact he's scored a TD each week. That seems unlikely to last forever.

I realize that last statement could be interpreted in either direction. Poor and vague writing. I mean that he won't continuing scoring TDs every week.

THE PICK: AH 81 (94 with QB) - TDHAF 66


THE NIGHT BOYS (1-3) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (3-1)
I'm gonna you something that's hard to admit. Tim's worst week this season was 0.1 higher than my best week. That's where I am right now. That's what it has come to. But I think Tim's feel-good run takes a slight pause this week.

Goff and the Rams are, I mean...they're essentially the NFL version of Tim. Had an amazing few years a long time ago, have been terrible ever since, now they are putting up points in buckets. For all we know. Sean McVay has also taken over this team. It would explain a lot, actually. But Goff still has to go into Seattle, Jordan Howard has to face Minnesota, Kelvin Benjamin is questionable, and Amari is facing a good secondary in the early East Coast time slot with EJ Manuel at QB. Kareem Hunt is only one man. He can only do so much.

This matchup actually features both Benjamin and Devin Funchess, which is...interesting. But this is the Dez week Barker has finally been waiting for. Nobody on the Packers can slow down Dez, and he's doubling up on those points with the Dak Stack. Dezzy Dezzy Dak Dak, y'all! Gillislee or Cooks should have fun against Tampa, and if Aaron Jones doesn't play because Montgomery or Williams are good to go, Rawls is a great backup option on the bench.

Welcome to 2017 fantasy football, everybody! Where there's absolutely nothing to get excited about!

THE PICK: TNB 105 - SS 66

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

AFFL Week 4 Review

Goddamn, they gentrified the police brutality protest. Somehow we're going to take outrage about police shooting people in the back and turn it into Nike t-shirts with a hashtag like #amer1ca across the chest. Never, ever doubt white people's ability to change the subject when we almost start talking about racial equality. We are absolute savants. It's probably the 600 years of practice.

Anyway, every game had at least one player involved in Monday Night Football, with 3 games being decided by the Chiefs and Washingtons. Two of them weren't decided until the fourth quarter, though the Chiefs' all-time great backdoor cover on the last play of the game wasn't a factor in Chris' big win.





WTTK? 72.7 - THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 67 ๐Ÿ‘Ž
Last week, I ticked off 5-6 funny reasons that I lost. This week, there's only one. Bilal Powell had a seemingly normal run in the Jets game, lost his feet and went down. But none of the Jaguars touched him, so he got up and ran 50 more yards for a TD. That was worth an extra 11 points to WTTK?. I lost this week because nobody on my own defense bothered to touch a ball carrier on the ground.

I realize this will sound like excuse making after the fact, but I really did not like my team after the draft. But wait, you say, you ranked yourself 3rd in the preseason preview. That's true, but more because I hated all of your teams. I knew I put together a boom or bust team with these receivers, they just haven't boomed yet.

Here's a great way to sum up my season so far. After Robinson got hurt, I put in for 3 players on the waiver wire. I didn't get any of them. On Wednesday, I put in for Chris Carson on the FA list and Semi beat me by an hour. I ended up settling for Jamaal Williams, figuring Ty Montgomery would get hurt at some point and I'd be sitting pretty. I was right...for about 20 minutes.

So, fine. I have no problem with punting until 2018. I could use a mental break from caring about a team anyway. The only good news is I have the #1 waiver spot this week. I can spend the rest of my season grabbing waiver players to trade them like a World of Warcraft gold miner. Just sitting in a darkened cubicle surrounded by empty pounder cans of Monster Energy, eyes bleary as I pore over free agent playoff matchups.

On the other hand...I could easily be 4-0. If I had just kept AJ, I would be 3-1. Hell, I could still sneak into the playoffs.

Rivers finally had a nice game, but Thielen, Watkins, and DeSean were all busts. I still am not sure how Howard and Cohen could absolutely destroy the Steelers D, but Buck Allen doesn't catch a pass until the second half. I don't understand any NFL team through the first 4 weeks.

The only good part of last night's game is that I knew I was going to lose as soon a Pryor caught that first TD, so at least it was over early for me. The great Joe Mixon finally got a bunch of carries and responded with 29 yards in a 31-7 win. Mohamed Sanu got hurt during the game and Davante Adams almost got killed during his game, but none of that mattered because of Bilal Powell, The Man Who Wasn't Touched Down.

McCamey has a better record than me with 50 fewer points scored, which is cool and fun.


ASSTANNER 95.2 - THE NATIONAL RAZOR 65.7 ๐Ÿ‘
Chris is looking good right so far, but Dalvin Cook is now gone for the season (and his contract is expiring) and Zeke goes back to court this week to find out if his suspension will be upheld or kicked to next season. Plus, if Chris is making a good run at the deadline, he'll need to keep Shady as an FP, which means he loses Zeke next season.

Focusing on the now, Zeke had a huge game this week, Cook put up points before blowing out his knee, AJ had another TD, and Shady and Wentz were serviceable enough.

As predicted, Garcon and Hilton were terrible starts. I mean, you KNOW Hilton wasn't going to do anything against Seattle. Why not start Cobb or Ginn and hope to get lucky. Not that it mattered anyway. Freeman scored a TD to save his week, but...maybe the Bills D is actually good? Is that possible? Can that be?

What else can I say? I don't want to cut this review so short, but a team with good matchups blew out a team with bad matchups. That's pretty much it.


RUSSELLMANIA 111.8 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 76.3 ๐Ÿ‘
Two down weeks in a row for Brian Williams now. Hey, look, if I manage to beat him this week, we're both 2-3 and that would be pretty interesting. Does Bri throw in the towel or just ride it out? But let's save that for when the time comes.

Bri's starting QB put up 11 points this week. His 2 bench QBs each broke 30. The silver lining is that didn't matter in the end result and maybe Cam propped up his value just long enough for Bri to move him. Ajayi's knee is a problem, the Dolphins' offense is terrible, and Jay Cutler just could not care less.



Ty Montgomery has multiple broken ribs and is worried about damaging internal organs if he returns too quickly, which seems...fair? Crabtree is hurt. Crowell is less than worthless. Mike Wallace is...I mean, would you start Mike Wallace every week? Baldwin and Kelce are good, but this Kangaroo season is spinning out of control.

Great game for Russell, the team and the player. I am not fooled by Lamar Miller's 2 TDs. He still sucks, but those TDs sure were useful this week. First round pick Terrelle Pryor finally scored a TD, but he was on the bench. The Seahawks DST had TWO touchdowns as they ran it up on the Colts. Diggs and Allen had very solid games just on yards.

The only spot of concern for Barker here is the health of Odell and Julio. Odell dislocated his finger at one point and they popped it back in on the sideline. On a later tackle, he clutched his ankle right away. That ankle is going to be a problem for him all season long and Barker will never know when he'll just miss 3 quarters in a game.

Julio came into this one with a back issue and left early with a hip issue. Seems...sub-optimal.

I think we all know already that Brian Barker might make the playoffs this year, but will absolutely lose because Odell or Julio or both will be hurt. Fun!


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER 81.8 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 68.7 ๐Ÿ‘
If you look back through the History section of the league site, there is archival evidence that Tim once had good teams. Like, decades ago. Looking through that and seeing that Tim holds the record for most points scored in a season (2004), or highest per game average (2006), or highest winning percentage (2006), most wins (2006), and a league title (2006). In 2006, he also became one of 3 owners to ever post a perfect 36 in the Breakdown. (The others are me and The Home Wreckers, whoever that is)

Trying to figure out who Tim had on that team (Larry Johnson? Tomlinson?) makes me feel like an archaeologist deep in the jungle primeval. Look! They used to eat burritos in this society!

Point is, MAYBE THIS IS TIM'S YEAR! I, for one, am going to enjoy the ride. And Tim would really enjoy the ride if he moved a #1 pick next year for Carlos Hyde.

Tevin Coleman put up 144 yards, which is absolutely bizarre to me. The backup RB, in a tight, relatively low-scoring game, did as well as Freeman did without a TD. Howard had a TD. Hunt had his "worst" game of the season with 12 points. The starting WRs combined for 5.8 points while Hopkins and Benjamin combined for 27.1 points on the bench and Tim still won.

Trump winning the Presidency has clearly opened some portal to an alternate universe in which the impossible has become possible. And while Trump is (un?)knowingly ending the American empire, it remains to be seen whether Title Tim will end the AFFL.

Larry lost Mariota to an injury - again - and now has to rely on a QB who legitimately does not want to be there. Tyrell Williams finally had a good game, but he was on the bench. The Ripper team, they're 2-2. But look at them. Look at this lineup. Teams like this are why I think I'm not yet dead at 1-3. Nobody is good this year. Everybody is extremely susceptible to a key injury. It's wiiiiide open.

PS, my prediction for this game was SS 78 - TWR 68. Not. Too. Shabby.


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 75.1 - LITTLE BABY JESUS 74 ๐Ÿ‘Ž
Oh man. How did Tyreek Hill not get loose for just 12 more yards? Or if Chris Carson didn't break his ankle, Semi could've won this game. Why did you do that, Chris? Don't they teach rookie to not break their ankles?

Usually in these close games, we can have a lot of fun looking at the loser's bench and figuring out where he went wrong. We don't get to do that here because nobody on Semi's bench did anything. Somehow cornering the senior citizen's market at RB isn't working out for LBJ. Stewart, Lynch, Charles...all useless.

Jameis finally showed up for a game and Fournette continues to run hard, but Gordon continues to be useless, as does DeMarco Murray. AB only posted 3.4 this week and it'll be interesting to see what happens when he goes up against Jalen Ramsey this week. The Patriots DST, maybe the worst defense in the entire league, managed 0.5 points this week, staying out of negative territory, which would've cost Scott this game. Great work!


ANIMAL HOUSE 90.4 - THE NIGHT BOYS 74 ๐Ÿ‘
The Texans DST put up 21.5 on Barker's bench, not that it mattered in the this game. It's just that I'm staring at his bench in shock, looking at Thomas Rawls, Rex Burkhead, and Kenny Golladay all putting up zeroes. I'm also enjoying the little quirk that both of these have a guy whose first initial is Z and nearly scored Z-ero this week. 1 point for Zane Gonzalez, 1.8 for Zay Jones.

Devin Funchess had two TDs, believe it or not, and is already the best Night Boys receiver. Definitely better than stinky ol' Dez, who stinks. The Pats were not tackled on the 1-yard line, apparently, so Mike Gillislee was useless this week. Chris Thompson somehow did not repeat his unsustainable TD numbers, although I will say that he is very fast and probably Washington's best bet in the backfield.

Speaking of backfields, Le'Veon finally broke out with 30 points, which is good because nobody else on Animal House did much of anything. Thomas and Fitz had a TD each, but only average games beyond that. I can't believe Matt Ryan only posted 7.8 at home against Buffalo. Again, maybe they're kinda good? Can that be right? Doesn't feel right.

Hey, here's a small quirk. Take away Bell's 30 points this week - injury, shut out, whatever - and both of these teams are 2-2 with the same PF. Fun with numbers!

Thursday, September 28, 2017

AFFL Week 4 Preview

LAST WEEK: 3-3
SEASON: 11-7


You might be surprised to hear this, but I have a lot of thoughts on Donald Trump. I'm going to do my best to limit sharing these thoughts with you because, you might also be surprised to hear this, I could go on and on and on about it.

For now, I'll just say that I'm greatly amused by the idea that if Trump manages to convert his big, dumb cult against the NFL, he'll inadvertently be killing the sports radio industry at the same time. I mean, who else but Trump voters are interested in listening to big, dumb sports radio and calling in with their big, dumb opinions? What, they'll just talk hot stove baseball instead?

Maybe they'll convert to college football, where the blacks are controlled so much better.

Pretty sure I said 3-4 years ago that it was bad idea to combine the national anthem with paid military propaganda, but what do I know?

By the way, in a week filled with the hottest of takes, congrats to Joe Average American here for getting the fucking stupidest possible question about this controversy in under the wire:




The only possible way you can see those two issues as related is if, say, America has created a multi-decade perpetual war cycle that unquestionably valorizes the military and uses slick marketing to point back to the troops as a firewall against any and all legitimate concerns about how the country is being run.

How pathetic can a country be when the closest we will let minorities get to equality comes when we will also consume poor white bodies as freely as black and brown ones in the name of "freedom?"

And yes, I am aware that the guy asking the question there lost his son to our perpetual conflict. His wife there...where did she come from? She doesn't look very traditionally American to me. Does he think his Trump allies won't come for her one day just because of his one vote?

Maybe it's better for everybody if I just get upset about A.J. Green and not people being crushed under the boot of oppression.

ANYWAY!





THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (1-2) vs. WTTK? (1-2)
I'm happy to have landed a first-rounder for A.J. Green, but with him gone the team that I suspected wasn't that good looks totally empty. AJ was the rug that tied The Dude's whole living room together, man. But as crazy at it sounds, I look at the schedule and see a way that I could be 6-4 heading into the final division games. I could also be 1-6 after losing to Gary in Week 7.

This game here is going to determine whether I try to scrape into the playoffs and keep my streak alive or totally liquidate my roster early. Rivers should bounce back against the Eagles, and Thielen should light up the Lions from the slot. I'm surprised CBS doesn't have higher hopes for Buck Allen after Howard and Cohen, LLC lit up the Steelers last week. Allen clearly isn't as dynamic as Cohen, but he's a pass-catching back in space, and that's a problem for the Steelers. Hyde's hip is banged up and Arizona's D is tough, Martavis will either score 3 or 19 and since the Steelers are on the road it's probably closer to 3, and Sammy has a good matchup against Dallas but needs to be cleared from a concussion first.

But it's not like I have great options on the bench. Amari is like most WRs in that he struggles against Denver, the Giants have a great secondary that can limit DeSean, Kelley is practicing but facing a tough Chiefs defense, and Williams and McFadden are still an injury and a court case away, respectively, from being useful.

And yet...I'm playing McCamey. Carr will also struggle against Denver, but it's not like Cousins against KC is that much better. He is finally starting Joe Mixon, so expect him to get about 4 touches. JJ Nelson? Willie Snead? Davante Adams? I'm supposed to be worried about these guys?

I'm going to win this week because of my secret weapon: the franchised Jaguars DST facing the hapless Jets offense.

THE PICK: TDHGNM 71 - WTTK? 54


ASSTANNER (2-1) vs. THE NATIONAL RAZOR (2-1)
Gary came back to me AGAIN yesterday on the Week 5 thing, saying basically, "Okay, I cave. I'll trade you Ginn for Cooper." It really brought a smile to my face. I told him I'll just pick up Ginn after he cuts him.

If Gary knows I'm going to be difficult in trade talks, I'm not sure why he doesn't just pick up a FA WR for Week 5. I mean, look at some of the big-time players he has to choose from:


He doesn't think he can beat McCamey with Robby Anderson? Why so little confidence in your team, Gary? And good luck trading for one of Brian Barker's golden receivers since he will only want one of your precious running backs.

Anyway, this is a pretty big game considered that 1 of the 3 highest-scoring teams in the league will have a 2-2 afterwards. Heck, I might be 2-2 after this week and I hate my team! Weird how that works out. 

It's hard to tell from the first 3 weeks, but the Chargers defense is decent. Jason Verrett can cover and Melvin Ingram is wrecking shop. So young Wentz might struggle on the road. Though this will actually be a home game by proxy since I imagine more Eagles fans will be in attendance at the Chargers' futbol stadium. Atlanta's defense isn't that tough against the run, but the Bills should be trailing this game for 55 minutes, limiting Shady's chances. Zeke, Cook, AJ, and Parker should all be just fine, though.

Brady will torch the Panthers because he drinks so much healthy, delicious water, and Freeman might post 20 on the Bills. But CJ is losing carries, there's no way Hilton can repeat last week playing in Seattle (why in the damn hell is that a prime time game, by the way!?!?), and Patrick Peterson will eliminate Garcon. So unless Emmanuel Sanders puts up 40, Gary is going to fall with 2-2 with his Week 5 roster crisis looming. We should all be treated to some hilarious, increasingly frantic trade offers next week.

THE PICK: AT 107 - TNR 81


RUSSELLMANIA (1-2) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (2-1)
One last political thing, if I may. Doug Baldwin was also on that CNN last night, and very astutely observed that the police gunning down innocent black man on the street is like the Boston Massacre. I've had a similar thought in the past, so let me share a fun game with you. As we watch the GOP and Trump voters slide further toward authoritarian affection, whenever they make a statement on "law and order" or how people should behave, or how people should appreciate what they have, or asset forfeiture, or giving up rights for "security," or what have you, imagine how colonialists would've reacted to the same words coming from a British Governor in Massachussetts, or even King George. You'll have an enjoyable time finding out how many "real Americans" absolutely would've sided with the British 250 years back. 

Speaking of Doug Baldwin, he has a groin injury and plays in the Sunday night game, but right now Bri is rolling the dice with him in the starting lineup. I guess Crabtree against Denver or Mike Wallace against, uh...Artie Burns?...aren't as appealing as a guy who could be a late scratch.

Of course, I'm burying the lede here because...

CAM HAS BEEN BENCHED. REPEAT. CAM HAS BEEN BENCHED. The Patriots defense, which has been shredded this season by Alex Smith and Deshaun Watson, is apparently not enough to tempt Bri into going back to Cam after last week. 

Instead, Bri goes with Tyrod Taylor, who will definitely be throwing to catch up to Atlanta this week. Gurley has a great matchup against Dallas, and Ajayi also has a great one against the Saints, assuming the knee issue that's held him out of practice all week isn't a problem. Me, I'd be concerned that one of my backs has had knee problems all season, but that's just me. 

The Bears defense is quickly improving this year, and Montgomery is averaging 3 yards a carry, so he'd better catch some passes tonight to be useful. 

It seems so obvious that Russ is going to light up Indianapolis and Stafford will struggle against the Vikings. Then again, this is a Brian Barker lineup decision we're talking about here. If it can go wrong, it will. The Indy defense has been surprisingly feisty so far this season. Maybe they're decent. Or maybe the defense will have a Pick 12 against Jacoby Brissett and Seattle will just run in the 2nd half. Of course, that would still help Brian, as he has the Seahawks defense.

Lamar Miller sucks so bad that Barker should honestly consider making Duke Johnson his 1 RB this week. Odell, Julio, Diggs, and Allen all have great matchups, which must be why first round pick Terrelle Pryor is benched this week. McCaffrey, Mixon, Hyde, and Montgomery were all selected after Pryor. None of them would be traded for Pryor right now unless a high pick came along with him. 

This one is going to be close, and each team has 2 prime time players this week. But I say that Russ and SEA DST pull away enough in the Sunday night game that Kelce can't catch up in the Monday night game.

THE PICK: RM 94 - TKSMB 81


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (2-1) vs SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (2-1)
Tim has scored 100 points more than Larry this season. Larry has faced 100 points fewer than Tim. Both teams have arrived at the same record in different ways. They are starting both Bears running backs, both Jaguars wide receivers, and if Larry starts Cutler against the terrible Saints defense, both quarterbacks in this week's London game. 

Man, look at these rosters. The first 3 weeks of this season have been the most unpredictable in some time. My team is certainly no world beater, but if these two teams are 2-1, it has to be too early for me to pack it in on the whole season, right? These guys START backup running backs. 

There's going to be a point early Monday night when a Dustin Hopkins field goal gives Larry a small lead in this game...and then Kareem Hunt is just going to obliterate that lead.

THE PICK: SS 78 - TWR 68


LITTLE BABY JESUS (2-1) vs. SCOTT DOESN'T HAVE ANY WINS (0-3)
My least favorite fantasy football article trope is "If you take away X plays, then this guy only has Y points this season."

THAT SAID...

If you take away DeMarco Murray's late 75-yard TD run from this past Sunday, a run that was worth 13.5 points, Murray has 14.3 points on the season. He doubled his entire season's output with ONE run. They say Gordon is on track to play this week, but knee problems usually flare right back up. And Winston is facing another really good pass defense, something he has not yet shown an ability to overcome. Fournette should pound the Jets, though. 

As for AB...well...he is unstoppable. But Ben. Everybody knows about his road struggles, particularly his Baltimore struggles. He's also said he needs to stop forcing it to AB so much, which means he's going to be thinking even more this week, which is never good. Here's a specific prediction for you: somebody is going to call The Fan or Madden this morning and ask if it's time to start thinking about Josh Dobbs.

(Note: Somebody else is going to have to listen in to validate this prediction. Hell no I'm not listening to sports radio.)

Everybody keeps saying Chris Carson is really good. He certainly runs well from what I've seen. Facing the Colts at home in prime time will tell us all if he's actually a good fantasy option. Landry, Hogan, and Nelson all have solid matchups. As for Tyreek Hill, they showed a stat last Sunday night that Josh Norman QBs over the last 3 years (5 years?) have their lowest rating when targeting Josh Norman. Lower than any other CB. Tyreek is the #1 Chiefs receiver, but they don't put him in a traditional mold, so I don't know if Norman really shadows him or shuts him. I'll be curious to watch what happens. 

Whatever happens won't really matter beyond the curiosity; Semi will have this one wrapped up by Sunday night.

THE PICK: LBJ 89 - SDHAW 68


ANIMAL HOUSE (2-1) vs. THE NIGHT BOYS (1-2)
66% of the Animal House bench is cuttable. Maybe 83% if you don't think Conner is worth keeping as a handcuff stash. He definitely will need to make some roster moves in Weeks 5 and 9 to get around bye weeks, but he only has $0.58 in cap space. He's average in PF and PA, but here he is at 2-1, looking to get to 3-1.

Ryan will light up Buffalo, and McCaffrey should catch a whole bunch of passes as Carolina tries to make up a 34-14 deficit. Nobody on the Niners can cover Fitz, Michael Thomas should do well against a Miami secondary that couldn't stop the damn Jets last week, and Gronk will be a part of that 34-14 lead. That just leaves Le'Veon to finally break 100 yards against the Ravens.

Hasn't Chris Thompson been on Washington for like 3 seasons? Why is he just now becoming a bigger Darren Sproles? I feel like he might not sustain this torrid pace. Both Gillislee and Cooks have one huge game, one medium game, and one bad game, and this will most likely be a common pattern for all Patriots outside of Brady this season. Devin Funchess? Dez Bryant? Oof.

THE PICK: AH 98 - TNB 70