Tuesday, October 21, 2014

AFFL Week 7 Review

WEEK 7 PICKS: 4-2
SEASON: 22-21


FOLKS, let's get old fashioned with it. Let's return to a simpler time, when people wrote Thank You notes and didn't look down at their phones immediately after inquiring, "How are you?"

Let's return to the beauty of the written word in a medium where we have to time to think, to savor, to relish. To really ponder what all of this mean.

Plus, the podcast is just taking up too much damn time, and believe me, none of you are worth it.


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 71.7 - ISIS 63.9

Also, as the loser of the "Shut Your Mouth" match, I probably have to be quiet for a while.

The Bengals have scored -5, -1, and -2 points for me since I picked them up. If I had just kept the Bills, I would've won this game. If AJ Green and Calvin Johnson were in the lineup and not constantly hurt, I would've won this game. If I had played Joique Bell and resisted the lottery ticket appeal of Justin Hunter, I would've won this game. If Jay Cutler wasn't so bad that he incited a Brandon Marshall screamfest in the locker room after the game, Alshon Jeffrey could've had more than 9 yards and I would've won this game.

If, if, if.

But I lost. Again. And without enough points to make a convincing case that I deserved anything but a loss. And yet amazingly, or perhaps frustratingly, I am still in the thick of the playoff at 3-4.

As much as I'd like to point to Torrey Smith's garbage time touchdown as the 9.9 points that gave Scott a win he didn't deserve, that just balanced out starting Brandon Bolden over Kendall Wright, who caught another touchdown, but on Scott's bench.

Drew Brees even had a decent game with 18.3 points, although no, Brees is not the reason for this win. Scott would be the same 4-3 even without the trade. (America's Favorite Game Show has been replaced by the much less bombastic America's Favorite Statistical Oddity Observance)

And the decision to finally drop the Steelers defense paid off, as the shiny new Ravens defense posted a sporty 11 points for Scott.

So Scott gets the win this week, which is very satisfying I'm sure, and will be quite effective in all arguments about who more knows what he or she is doing until the season is over and I finish off higher than he does, which absolutely will happen.

I'm nothing if not constantly overly optimistic about my chances in anything, which is why I firmly believe I'll be the Democratic nominee for President in 2016. I just need, like, two breaks to go my way.


SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS 82.3 - LOTHBROK 62.3

As has been pointed out, perhaps I can use my uncannily accurate prediction of how this game would evolve as a balm to soothe the stinging burn of defeat. And yeah, sure, it helps a little.

But then Tim pointed out that I almost ruined his week because he started Jordan Cameron. He said he always listens to me about starting Cameron. And this triggered a bit of an existential crisis because, as you see, Tim claimed he wanted to start Tre Mason instead.

Tre Mason, at Sunday sunrise, was the Rams' third running back. Facing what should be/used to be a great Seattle defense. Jordan Cameron was facing a terrible Jacksonville defense. Playing Cameron over Mason was absolutely the right play. But...Tim was right. I was wrong. Sure, I told him to play Michael Floyd, who had a touchdown and 10 points, but I also told him to sit Fitz. Instead, he play Fitz, sat Boldin, Boldin outscored Fitz 5 to 2, and none of this mattered a whit because Tim still won going away.

I am positive I have a good team. I knew Tim would win this game and how it would happen. And yet...he was right about playing Tre Mason, a decision that makes absolutely no sense. So maybe I don't know anything at all.

WHAT ARE WE ALL DOING HERE?!?!?

Hell, I didn't even talk about Gary's team yet, which has traded/cut both of his 1st round picks, has a 3-4 record, is still leading its division, and is Top 3 in Points For. Those four notes belong in two different paragraphs, one about a good team and one about a bad team. This is a really weird season.

For Lothbrok, Garcon and Patterson both scored touchdowns on the bench, and that is really going to screw with Gary's roster over the next two weeks, since he just made peace with benching both of them each week.


HGAC 114.2 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 60.3

HGAC has officially reached the point where they are too good during the regular season and are now guaranteed to not win the title. They are 96 points ahead of the 2nd-highest scoring team in the league. Their WORST performance in the last three weeks was 111 points. Their bench alone (72.5 pts) would've beaten half the league this week. The bench would've beaten Whitechapel this week. They scored 114 with Cecil Shorts posting 1.4 points in a Jacksonville WIN, so they could've posted 130 this week with Beckham or Ivory in the starting lineup. They have so much confidence right now that they are trading players to the team they are playing THAT DAY without a thought.

(Though it was odd for them to move Romo and Colston plus a first round pick in this deal, essentially undoing their trade with Asstanner from 3 weeks ago.)

My. Goodness.

It is going to be an absolute travesty when Brian Barker or perhaps some Albert beats them 74-71 in the conference championship round. HGAC will spend the summer muttering about Foster's and Murray's injuries ruining his season.

Big noise and drama from TWR on Sunday morning about who was actually in the starting lineup. It was a lot like a Timfest, except Larry's emails came in well before 1pm and were grammatically solid. But in the end, the only excitement TWR provided in this matchup came from the emails.

Romo had a great game with 19.8, showing that perhaps he hadn't realized he had been traded away from HGAC yet. Oliver, Cooks, and Julio did nothing, and Gio not only did nothing but was almost killed on a swing pass. He's lucky his helmet stayed inside the stadium on that hit. Hell, he's lucky his brain stayed inside his head.

TWR has now dropped 4 straight after opening the season with 3 straight wins. Sigmund rolls into town next week, which is either a chance to right the ship and get back to .500 or the final confirmation that this is a doomed season.


IT'S ALWAYS RUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA 92.6 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 42.7

Antonio Brown's 13.1 points last night made Bri's performance this week merely terrible as opposed to historically repulsive. Thanks, Tone!

The Kangaroo roster now has Fred Jackson, Rashad Jennings, and DeAngelo Williams all hurt, and Zac Stacy has been effectively benched. Meanwhile, I have more good RB1 options than I can literally get into the lineup. You would THINK we'd be able to work out a trade here. But maybe Bri is ready to just pack it in and enjoy a calm, relaxing season of nothingness, as opposed to watching his 10-4 team lose to Animal House in the playoffs. Smart!

I still think Runny is a complete fraud, but hey, if they can get 30 points from Wilson and 20 points from Bradshaw every single week, maybe I'm the one who's crazy. Or maybe they are actually a fraud.

Money on the table time! If Runny wins the title this year, I'll pay their 2015 entry fee. They can cash out in full after the season. BUT IF THEY DON'T...they pay my 2015 entry fee.

Acceptance of this bet or the sound of crickets on its terms will indicate whether or not Brian Barker is delusional about his team, or accepting of his fraudulent status.


LITTLE BABY JESUS 74.5 - ASSTANNER 47.4

There is so much going on around Christian and his team that I don't know where to start, I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know where I'm going to end up. I've already rewritten this paragraph three times, and I still am not walking into it confidently.

Sometimes we make bad decisions that work out (Scott and Gary), sometimes we make good decisions that don't work out (me), and sometimes you do things both good and bad at the same time and things go completely haywire (Chris, obviously).

The Cutler trade. Okay, fine. Decent idea, but giving away two extra picks was a bad thing. On the other hand, he's 2-1 and since the trade with two good Cutler games and one great Hilton game. Naturally, the other game for Cutler was so bad that the Bears almost broke up afterwards.

Finally cutting away terrible franchise player Chris Johnson was good, and franchising super cheap QB option Russell Wilson was better, but then he traded Wilson before he played a single game as the king.

Trading Wilson at about his highest value for McCoy at about his lowest value is maybe defensible, but giving up your first round pick in 2015 to do so, when McCoy has shown absolutely no sign that he'll carry you to the playoffs is...I mean, it's crazy. 

(So...so...so...I mean, I am caught up in the whirling Christian vortex! It is all so confusing! So many points to make and I don't know how to string them together!)

So then - THEN! - Christian also makes this fairly ill-conceived trade during McCoy's bye week, robbing him of a roster player. Which meant that Christian was forced to start Percy Harvin this week, even though he had posted 4.2 - 0 - 3.4 - 0 in his last four games.

And so OF COURSE Christian had Percy Harvin on his roster. And of course the trade happened on Friday so that Harvin didn't play this week, Brandon LaFell had already played on Thursday, and the only roster option left was LeGarrette Blount. So of course Christian picked up hot free agent Andre Holmes, who promptly posted a 3.4 week, about equivalent to what Blount did.

And OF COURSE Christian is currently 3-4, like half the league.

He fell to 3-4 because his team scored 47.4 points this week, only a little bit more than Russell Wilson (35) scored all by himself. Hell, Little Baby Jesus' bench could've won this game on their own with their 48.5 points, a total that was slightly inflated by Sammy Watkins' 24.2 bench points. 

That's right, Semi benched Watkins for Antone Smith. A dude who has 16 carries and 12 catches this year, but somehow magically 5 touchdowns. A dude having the flukiest TD season in like 75 years of NFL Sundays. A dude who scored all of 1 point this week.

If Christian kept Wilson for one more week, waiting out McCoy's bye, he's 4-3. Instead, Semi is 4-3, and not at all regretting Sammy "Superstar" Watkins for Antone "Fluke" Smith. Must. Be. Nice.


ANIMAL HOUSE 96.2 - RIGGINS' RIGGS 86.9

And so, once again, when I want to complain about my foul luck, the trials and tribulations of Riggins' Riggs make me look like some 26-year white chick named Brylynne complaining that Starbucks spelled my name wrong on my cup of pumpkin spice latte with skim whipped cream. (OHMYGOD! WHO IS BRILYN!) Meanwhile, the dude behind me in line almost died in a chemical fire and only survived by receiving skin grafts from an elephant.

Riggins' Riggs, the 2nd-highest scoring team in the league, is 2-5 this season, all by themselves DFL. I guess that's what happens when you face the most points against this year.

(Incidentally, they are 46-31 in the All-11 breakdown, good for 3rd overall. But by all means, let's keep playing head to head. Let's keep the unpredictable luck involved!)

Brian Hoyer, 4.1 points against the lowly Jags. This is why you can never visit Believeland, Ohio. Only tragedy ensues. On the other side for Animal House, Ben Tate only put up 3.6 against those same Jaguars, but what does that matter? LeVeon Bell and Roddy White went big! Bell had his first touchdown since Week 1, and Roddy had his best game of the year.

By the way, Eli Manning? Who was so callously tossed aside on Wednesday by Riggins' in favor of Brian Hoyer? He had 21 points this week. Barker would've won if he had kept Eli, ignoring the Sirens that were calling to him from the rocky shores of Lake Erie.

OooooooooooooooooooooooPS!


Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Sunday, December 23, 2012

AFFL Super Bowl Review

SEASON: 59-30
PLAYOFFS: 5-0


MOTHER OF DRAGONS 125.4 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 52.5
As we all knew, this was Gary's season, and he put an exclamation point on it with the 4th-highest score of the entire season. His huge bulge is probably a relief to Brian, Brian, and Scott, who can rest easy knowing that even if they made it to the title game, nobody was stopping Gary. That doesn't excuse Larry, of course, who would've lost to even Tim this week, but still.

Side note: My bonus prediction on Abba fell short, though he did have the 2nd-highest score this week. I can't even imagine the crazy irony if he lost in the title game because he should've started Romo over Griffin. Oh man.

ANYWAY! Ryan went off, Rice went off, Gary got 33 DST/K points, trading for Decker worked out, and even Jason Hanson contributed.

As for Larry, what can you really say when a team loses the title game by 70 points? He goes to bed tonight knowing he got destroyed in the AFFL, but he would've beaten me 144-138 in our other league if only he hadn't lost last week. Fantasy football is great.

Gary will go into 2013 with the core of Ryan, Luck, Murray, and Decker intact, and I'll assume he'll figure out a way to keep Ray Rice. Everybody told me Gary was a perennial also-ran in this league, but he's totally set up to be another Brian Williams here. That is, the defending champ who takes a nice team into the next season and loses in the playoffs.


NOW! Since 'tis the season - and also because this game didn't give us very much to talk about - let's see what Christmas wish(es) each AFFL team might have. Who knows? Santa just might get you something you want this year!
 
ABBADABBA'S
  • An adamantium exoskeleton for Robert Griffin III.
  • Norv Turner hired as offensive coordinator in Philadelphia so LeSean McCoy can rack up 2400 all-purpose yards.
  • My ability to predict fantasy football games. 59-30!

ANIMAL HOUSE
  • Ahmad Bradshaw shipped out of town so David Wilson can be the #1 guy. 


CHEST ROCKWELL
  • A quarterback in Arizona OR the moxie to cut Fitzgerald as a franchise player
  • Nobody to remember he traded Calvin Johnson the year he broke the record for most receiving yards in a season.

ISIS
  • A less itchy trading finger 

THE KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI
  • For everybody to just calm the fuck down and to stop worrying about his starting lineup.
  • That's it. What is wrong with you people?
  • The courage to start Justin Blackmon one week.

MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD
  • The 2013 season to start as soon as possible, because he has Aaron Rodgers, Calvin Johnson, and Rob Gronkowski.
  • Ergo, a #1 running back to go with the #1 everything else. 

MOTHER OF DRAGONS
  • A high first round draft pick.

OUT FOR REVENGE
  • Cleveland to get the 15 other pieces they need so Trent Richardson can be really good.
  • Matt Schaub to quit being completely fucking terrible in big games.
  • Nobody to notice he has Ryan Williams on a 2-year contract.

SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS
  • A Tera Patrick Real Doll. There is nothing in the fantasy football realm that can help his team, so he might as well be happy during Tim Time.

THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL
  • Cam learning how to pass.
  • Arian Foster avoiding the catastrophic knee injury he seems overdue for.

TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS
  • Adrian Peterson to have a second straight freak of nature season.
  • New glasses.
  • Mike Shanahan not benching Alfred Morris next summer for no reason whatsoever.

THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS
  • A clean way out of this Maurice Jones-Drew situation.
  • The good memories of 2012 to last all the way through the shitty times of 2013. 




 

Friday, December 21, 2012

WVFL Super Bowl Preview

LAST WEEK: 1-1
SEASON: 56-26 (PLAYOFFS: 1-3)


THE NEV-R-WINS vs. LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS
You have to take your hat off to Jeff Webster. Since I cajoled him into rejoining the WVFL, his return has been anything but triumphant; he's finished dead last two years in a row. Things were so dire that he actually marked a kicker as one of his keepers. The league's first-ever kickper! Keepker! Whatever!

But he burst out of the gate this season with a 2-0 record. Then he dropped to 2-3. Then he went up to 4-3. Then he dropped to 4-7. It looked like the year was over. Fortunately, he played in the Weegie Thompson Division, and was able to close the season by beating three division foes with a combined 14-25 record while Caulen seethed his way to the bottom of the Bam Morris Division. Web was 7-6. Caulen, with 70 more points scored, was 6-7.

But then! Web scored 129 and 113 points in the playoffs, knocking out the #3 and #2 seed, respectively. He now has 5 wins in a row. If he can win the title game, he'll have as many playoff wins in 2012 as he had in the 2011 regular season.

Too bad he has no chance whatsoever of winning the title game.

Yeah, I know it would be poetic justice for me to fall on my face here. All the trash that I have talked for so long, Web going from double worst to first, all that sort of stuff. But I have three #1 running backs, including a guy who might be partially cyborg. And I have Peyton Manning facing Cleveland, and I have enough receiver help to get it done because one of those starters will certainly go off.

Cam has great lately, but as shitty as the WVFL is, a title team can't be starting Jacquizz Rodgers, BenJarvus Green-Ellis, and Kendall Wright. These are just facts. I have already spent the $250 purse I'm going to get for winning the 2012 WVFL title. Thank you for your individual contribution to the Krog Fund.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 125 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 91

AFFL Super Bowl Preview

LAST WEEK: 2-0SEASON: 58-30 (PLAYOFFS 4-0)

It seems traditional to start off with a look back at the trials and tribulations, peaks and valleys, left and rights of this 2012 season. But fuck it. We were all here, we all know what happened. So let's just skip the expository dialogue from a bad movie and get right into the good stuff.


MOTHER OF DRAGONS vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS
Larry badly wants to win this one. Not just for the money, but also to "Stick it up the ass of every Barker on the planet, whether they're in this league or not." Direct quote. I don't know what the Barkers have to do with the title game exactly, but whatever he needs to get his team fired up, I suppose.

Gary started off the season by finagling the #1 pick, and now he's going to be the last man standing. Every guy he has in the lineup is a plus points start this week. He doesn't even need James Jones against the lowly Titans.

And let's not overlook the most exciting aspect of this title matchup, my pick. Could my picks possibly go 5-0 through the playoffs? Reach 59-30 on the season, 29 games over .500? Isn't that really more impressive than winning a fantasy football league with a bunch of good players? Shoot, anybody can do that. Nobody is going 59-30 with fantasy football picks! That's some real hot stuff right there!

THE PICK: MOTHER OF DRAGONS 107 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 75

FUN BONUS PREDICTION: Abbadabba's scores 110 points, the league high for the week.

Monday, December 17, 2012

AFFL Conference Championship Review

Before we start, a note about Scott Albert, who hilariously had a monster day the week after he was eliminated from the playoffs. Brees scored 27, Peterson had 27, Morris had 21, and even the Texans defense had 14 as Scott racked up 123 totally pointless points, the best and most useless total of the week.

Great work, Scotty!


MOTHER OF DRAGONS 83.8 - ABBADABBA'S 75.6
Although it's kind of foolish to look at fantasy football game like it's an actual game with a chronological order since every play during the entire day is a factor, one could argue that this matchup came down to a single series in the Cowboys game. Down 24-17, Dallas tried to pass on 1st and 2nd and goal, with both balls being knocked away. On 3rd and goal, DeMarco Murray ran it in. Take 6 points away from Gary and add 4 to Brian for a Romo TD pass, and you have a totally different result.

That one series was just another step on Gary's 2012 Path of Destiny. Getting only 4 points from Ray Rice (so...Jim Caldwell ISN'T the solution?!?!?) and still winning, leaving 24 points from James Jones on the bench and still winning, somehow getting 10 points from Cecil Shorts when Jacksonville got mauled 24-3, these are other steps. And don't forget the 35 points he got from former ISISers, DeMarco Murray and Erick Decker.

(At this point, I admit that a team of Dalton, AP, Murray, Dez, Marshall and Decker would be romping through the playoffs right now. Good times.)

Although I mentioned weeks ago that it would be hilarious when Brian got crushed in the playoffs because the Bears didn't score a defensive TD, he mainly lost because he had unbelievably bad injury luck. Romo was good, but Griffin clearly would've ripped up the Browns, and McCoy is hurt, and Cruz got hurt early on in Sunday's game, and Joe Flacco sucks so bad that Boldin might as well have been hurt. Just such bad luck. Which is also hilarious. But he handled it with grace and dignity, which is more than I'm doing right now.


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 105.4 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 81.1
If you're wondering (and I know you're not), Larry got crunched in our other league, so he really needed this win. Nothing like getting 40 points from your kicker and defense when you really need them. Who said starting a kicker and defense isn't important?! In fact, Larry got 40 points from Graham and Arizona, and less than 5 from Eli and Doug Martin.

Traded away before the season, Matthew Stafford still found a way to kill Bri this week by throwing 3 picks, 2 of which were returned for touchdowns. Though Bri is not surprised by this lost, as his fateful emails to me all season indicated that he had no real faith in his team. Cam was fine (I was wrong on him there), Foster was decent, Lynch was nice, but it just wasn't enough when it mattered. It didn't help that Bri had no kicker since Gould went on IR after the early roster freeze. That roster freeze, it's like if Christmas shopping was outlawed after December 2nd. It's so early!

So...I don't know. Bri said all along that his team wasn't good enough to go all the way this year, and I guess he was right. Nothing from White, nothing from Gould, some super crazy good luck on the other side and that, as they say, is that.

Friday, December 14, 2012

WVFL Conference Championship Preview

LAST WEEK: 0-2
SEASON: 55-25 (PLAYOFFS: 0-2)


THE NEV-R-WINS vs. FIREROCK ROCKERS
Despite having the best record in the league by 4 full games, I have a few major concerns right now:

1) My team scored 162 points on the bye this week. I probably am not going to follow that up with another 130.

2) The WVFL does not reseed and I don't get to play the #6 seed Lowcountry All Stars following their upset. The league was set up that way and that's fine, but it just feels like a bad sign. Seventh son of the seventh son kinda bad sign.

3) Thanks to Maclin's fumble last night, I am trailing my opponent, who has only used his tight end thus far.

On the other hand, I have three #1 running backs and two superstud receivers, so I should be fine. The receivers in this matchup are about even, the Manning Bowl matchup is even, the two starting running back might also be even if CJ Spiller goes off in Toronto. But the flex position in this game has Adrian Peterson on one side and Bilal Powell on the other. What else do you need to know?

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 119 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 101


LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS vs. WHIZ-BANG GANG
Larry is also in the Conference Championship in the other league we're in. As I mentioned in that preview, he's facing Cam in both games, owns Roddy White here and faces him there, and faces Green-Ellis here and owns him there. Speaking of that other league, I started doing the Preview/Review treatment over there, and MAN has it thrown that league into a tizzy. Even though my picks for the season are like 56-30, some people are not getting or appreciating the whole fake expert thing. Especially since I missed the playoffs and traded away a bunch of good players for a rebuild. It's really been something to see.

Webster has finished dead last in the WVFL the last two years, but now sits just one game away from a shot at the title. BJGE got him out to a great start, but some of these other iffy starters (Looking at you, Malcom Floyd, Jacquizz Rodgers and Matt Forte!) are really going to have to step up. Going back to the regular season, Lowcountry is now on a 4-game winning streak. Since I can't see him getting another 41 points from the Seattle defense, it's going to turn into a 1-game losing streak.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 98 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 91