Friday, November 17, 2017

AFFL Week 11 Preview

LAST WEEK: 5-1
SEASON: 45-16

45 and 16! I am positive that you all do not appreciate how impressive that is. It's the only thing I've done right this year.

Actually, I've also done an excellent job of delivering terrific music and video content this season and it stills irks me that Gary is just categorically closed off to any new experiences. Who wants to live like that? To get Gary to finally understand what he's been missing out on all season, allow me to present a brand new song that is one of the greatest things I've ever heard.




Amazing. Neal McCoy has really given me a lot of think about.

But hey, music is subjective. I get that. But who would go out of their way to not have chuckles at the end of the week? Who would not enjoy watching some Scottish guys yell at their friend because he got hit by a bus?





FOOK OFF, ALI!

I could laugh at that 10 times in a row. And look at me! I love life! Maybe Gary wouldn't be so tense all the time if he rocked some more chuckles.

Anyway, there's a lot to cover this week and very little of it is actually about the games, so find a comfortable chair.

Oh wait. First, remember a couple of weeks ago when I wasted my time trying to turn you guys onto black Twitter and said Anthony Adams was a good starting point? Guess who is getting a new TV show? Correct, former Nittany Lion Anthony Adams.

Seriously, Larry will tell you. I am always head of the curve. I can keep you guys cool as your bodies start to break down. But I can only reach my hand out halfway.


THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (3-7) vs. THE NIGHT BOYS (3-7)
Hey, I know I'm not very good, but Barker is starting Bort Blakles against me? AND two tight ends? Is this to win a bet? Or is this a lottery tank? Brother, if you think you can out tank me...actually. Shoot, I think I'm going to win this game. I don't want to win games! I might need to make some "strategic" lineup decisions.

THE PICK: TNB 54 - TDHGNM 50


THE NATIONAL RAZOR (6-4) vs. LITTLE BABY JESUS (4-6)
Sticking with pettiness for a second, I forgot the guy who shot up a Colorado Wal-Mart when I was winning the slaughter battle 2-1. Now with this maniac in Northern California this week, it's actually 4-1 domestic violence white guys over ISIS in the past 6 weeks. I'm running away with this argument!

PS, thanks to a quick-thinking teacher and lockdown drills, by like one minute we avoided having like 45 kids slaughtered at their school. It barely made the news.

But yeah, ISIS. Oooooooooh! ISIS GONNA GETCHA! The only time ISIS threatened you guys is when I was the #1 team in the league two straight years.

While we're talking about Gary's bad takes, what the hell is the deal with O.J. Howard this season? Gary drafted "the next Gronk," cut him twice before the season even had a crust on it, signed him to a 2-year deal in Week 8 and then cut him again before the freeze. Occasionally I wonder if Gary knows what he's doing.

Also, I somehow missed Luck being cut (maybe didn't scroll down in the email), but Devonta Freeman is rewarding Gary for his new franchise spot by missing this week's game with a concussion.

Speaking of weird decisions, Semi put Chris Carson on IR early this year and cut Jordy Nelson at the freeze, but he didn't give Carson a contract. Will Fuller and Corey Davis got contracts instead. Semi will head into 2018 with an All-Pro(tential) WR corps between Fuller, Davis, and Tyreek. If you're curious how locking up a bunch of young, potentially great receivers goes, just ask me.

I really want Gary to miss the playoffs this year so I end up with 2 lottery picks, so I'll pick him to lose this game.

THE PICK: LBJ 68 - TNR 64


WTTK? (4-6) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (8-2)
McCamey heads into 2018 with Derrick Henry and Joe Mixon, two young guys who are supposed to be great but haven't been great enough to take the starting jobs. He also has Larry's first two picks, which will be fun to watch.

Tim made an early decision to sign Jordan Howard, didn't move Kelvin Benjamin so he loses DeAndre Hopkins this summer, and he kept Jared Goff, all of which prevented him from signing Mark Ingram during a career year. Sure, this late in the year, extending Ingram would've jacked up his price to something crazy like $1.92. Which, uh, is what he's currently paying for Jordan Howard.

But this is the Year Of Tim, so I am not going to question it.

I tell you what, though. If McCamey gets somebody in the starting lineup to replace Bilal Powell's bye, Monday night's Richardson vs. Coleman matchup is going to be a lot more interesting than you might expect.

THE PICK: SS 78 - WTTK 72


RUSSELLMANIA (6-4) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (3-7)
Brian signed Josh Gordon to a a 3-year what the hell contract, which is exactly what I was thinking about doing myself. I just got tired of ending up with bust contracts on my balance sheet. 

Also, look at Brian's roster sheet. Look at how many players he ran through! Usually it's only Chris who touches 20+ players a year. This year, only Meyers and Brian Williams avoided going through players like they were chips, and that's because Bri runs both of those teams. Anecdotal to be sure, but more evidence that this was a weird year. Everybody changing their minds on who they wanted every week.

THE PICK: RM 75 - TWR 60


ASSTANNER (7-3) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (5-5)
I'm great at picking games each week, but even you dum dums can figure this one out. Which is fine, because this matchup provides a lot of tangential subjects.

First, I enjoyed Madden view for last night's game, but having the mic close enough to hear an o-lineman yell out "Got 'em!" when the Titans jumped offside before the first TD was outstanding. Any sports league could increase viewership 1000% with full, uncensored field-level audio. I also enjoyed how clearly that view showed that Demarco Murray has terrible vision. God, he sucks. And he just never goes away.

Second, I loved that ESPN article today about Jerry Jones going after Gooddell, and then I loved it even more when video of Jones denigrating black people somehow magically leaked this afternoon. Amazing how that happens sometimes. I still think Roger Gooddell is a genuinely dumb guy, unable to anticipate or understand contrarian thoughts, but somebody at least taught him revenge.

As for roster talk, Scott gave Zach Ertz a contract and did a good job moving guys around so he could keep Fournette. But then he signed Dez for 2 years after giving up a 2nd rounder for him, which I'll call...debatable.

Chris gave Thielen a 2-yr deal after our trade. Since I am open and honest, early in the season, I was between Martavis, Thielen, and Hyde as far who would get my 2-yr deals. I did not choose wisely. None of my last four 2-yr contracts - Ware, Chris Michael, Martavis, Hyde -  will see their contracts through to the final day.

Then again, Mike Barker cut 4 different 2-yr deals just this year, so I can't be doing that bad.

THE PICK: TDHAF 112 - AT 74


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (6-4) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (5-5)
Bri can't lose this game!

But seriously, folks, Bri Williams came at via email this week, which I thought was a little weird. I don't know why so many of you are also so eager to point out my shortcomings, jumping at any chance to put me down. It seems really small and I'm not sure where it comes from.

Short version was he claimed that this was actually not a bad fantasy year, I just think it is because I'm having a bad year. The top teams are scoring just as many points as they have in past years. I didn't have time to look into it at the moment, so I conceded that he was probably right. But at the same time, I told him that I had been referring to the abnormal amount of 30- and 40-point games we had seen at the lower end this season. Additionally, the draft usually doesn't match the final stats too closely, but this year had a large amount of random and fluky players having huge games while Julio posts a 7 every week.

But tonight I do have time! I also have just as much pettiness as I ever did. So I went back and looked at 2013-2017, comparing the average PPG of the top three teams and the bottom three teams.

YEAR           TOP 3 PPG                BOTTOM 3 PPG
2017               87/89/90                     58/64/66
2016               92/93/94                     68/72/73
2015               88/91/92                     58/70/75
2014               90/92/102                   69/74/77
2013               92/93/95                     70/71/71

Clearly I am right and Bri is wrong because points are indeed down this season. Now, true, at the top end it's only a 6% decline from the best season. But at the bottom end, scoring is down 15%. So somehow I'm right twice in the same point.

But further, I'd say the craziest name in last year's Top 10 WR scoring was Davante Adams. This year, Adam Thielen, Tyreek Hill, Robby Anderson, JuJu, and Robert Woods are all in the top 10. Last year's surprise Top 10 RB was Jordan Howard, a rookie. This year's Top 10 right now has 3 rookies, Hunt, Kamara, and Fournette, plus Chris Thompson. The SAINTS actually have TWO Top 10 RBs right now.

So yes, this is a wild, unpredictable year, and the worst teams in the league are worse than normal, making it a boring year as well. When nothing makes sense, it only makes sense that a guy who was top 3 in PGG in both 2014 and 2015 (me) has lost this year.

A point to Bri, though, is that the 2018 first round is not going to be nearly as deep as I originally anticipated thanks to some crafty contract moves at the deadline. My team still wasn't going anywhere this year, but all of the picks I've landed aren't going to be as valuable as I had hoped.

Bri cut Crowell, like we all knew he had to, and kept DeShaun. So next year we'll all be treated to emails like "You can have Cam for a 1st round pick, or DeShaun for your next nine 1st rounders. You know it's worth it! They're so cheap!"

He also kept 2 defenses after the freeze, which...okay?

I was initially skeptical about Meyers (more like...BRYERS!) giving JuJu a 2-yr deal, but then I saw he was a Top 10 WR so far. Man! Weird year.

THE PICK: TKSMB 83 - AH 71












Saturday, November 11, 2017

AFFL Week 10 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2
SEASON: 39-15

I don't want to get off (start off?) on a tangent here, but the start of last night's game was a pretty interesting scene. Not the Seahawks highlighter uniforms, which are unbearably ugly and stupid. It was the moment of silence for the victims of yet another AR-15 slaughter. That's interesting enough since they seem to be bi-weekly at this point. We might as well just leave our flags at half-mast permanently.

Side note: Did I ever mention the semi-heated discussion Gary and I after the San Bernardino shooting? He was worried about ISIS breaking into his house and teabagging his forehead while he slept, and my point of view was that he had a better chance of being killed by a white guy at South Hills Village. Well, I'm currently winning our slaughter matchup 2-1 this season. Hurrah!

Anyway, it's NFL Propaganda Month for "the troops." So there's a moment of silence for the people killed by an Air Force veteran, then Kristen Chenoweth - a vocal LGBTQ supporter and Trump opponent - sings the National Anthem while wearing an Army green Cardinals jersey. With rhinestones studding the numbers on her chest. Then we cut to the sidelines where defensive coordinators are wearing Army green hoodies with fake bars on the left breast. How do we support the troops? With 4 percent of net proceeds from a marketing venture! America!

I'm not quite sure I have the words to express how I feel about all of this. I might need...




At first, I was a little irked about Gary's loud boast (?) that he's ignoring all embedded media in the posts this year. Then I realized that when you've already discovered sonic perfection, why waste the next 27 years listening to anything new? When you're on top of Everest, the only way to go is down.

If you're wondering - and I have no idea why you would be - "More Than Words" has 93 million streams on Spotify. Not as many as some Ed Sheeran song which is over 1 billion, but it's 3 times as many as "Panama", which I think should become the new national anthem.

Seriously though, all of the music is good and all of the clips are funny. If you didn't take 20 seconds to watch Jameis eat his fingers so you could have one small chuckle in this horrible world, fine. Be miserable until you're dead. Me, I'll be chuckling at GIFs in hospice care, going out amused.


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (4-5) vs. THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (3-6)
I'm not going to win this game. But I might have had more fun this year trading for picks than I've had actually competing in past seasons. It's like when I play Grand Theft Auto and have more fun doing the side missions than the actual story. Although I've landed so many picks next year - 6 in the first 2 rounds! - that there will be a lot of pressure to build a good team in 2018.

Which I'll then trade for more picks.

THE PICK: TDHAF 71 - TDHGNM 50


THE NATIONAL RAZOR (5-4) vs. THE NIGHT BOYS (3-6)
When Gary approached me about Hyde on Monday, he warned that if I wrote anything about it, all trade talks were immediately off. Off, he tells ya! After the deal was completed, he said I was free to tell everybody how I got the better of him. But I think it was just a regular good deal. Hyde is good, still under contract, and definitely better than anybody Gary would've taken with that pick anyway.

Anyway, this game. Did you realize that Barker has 3 Cowboys, 3 tight ends, 2 kickers, and 2 defenses? This is just a bizarre roster. And still, I'm not 100% convinced Gary will win this game. Both Dez and T.Y. might miss the game, and there's nobody great on the bench to sub in. Kamara and Thompson both face good defenses, and Hyde and Jones should be good this week, but how many times has "should" fizzled out in the past 368 days?

Freeman has been a bust, Cooks won't score against Denver...I guess the difference will be a garbage time DST TD for the Panthers on Monday night.

THE PICK: TNB 83 - TNR 80


ASSTANNER (6-3) vs. LITTLE BABY JESUS (4-5)
Not sure what's more hilarious. Chris losing Zeke and his chances at a threepeat, or Jerry Jones being willing to blow up the entire NFL because Gooddell dared to suspend one of his guys. Speaking of the NFL, we're clearly past the peak. Two years ago, both fantasy football and the NFL were at their peaks. Everybody was joining in, like the poker boom. But also like the poker boom, a bunch of people have taken stupid losses, become disillusioned and quit. The NFL is no longer inevitable.

And what about this game? Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. Jacoby Brissett? This is supposed to be fun? Semi needs this win to stay in the playoff race This is like an all-in with 4-4 against J-10 off suit.

Damien Williams, Corey Davis, and Ted Ginn? My word.

THE PICK: AT 85 - LBJ 47


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (5-4) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (3-6)
Bri asked me what DeSean would cost this week, and I told him a 5th. Before he responded to me, he picked up Terrence Williams. Then he told me both Williams and Jackson are equally bad, but at least Williams was free. Very insulting stuff.

Look...I mean...look at Bri's roster this year. This roster is FUCKING TERRIBLE. And yet Bri will be 6-4 after this week.

Again, whomever wins the title should feel more shame than pride. This is a terrible, awful, trash, shit year. It'll be like the 2000 Best Album Grammy when Santana and Rob Thomas beat out the Backstreet Boys, Dixie Chicks, and TLC. Meaningless. Worthless.

THE PICK: TKSMB 59 - TWR 55


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (7-2) vs. RUSSELLMANIA (6-3)
Carlos Hyde would be Brian's best RB and he used a 1st round pick on Terrelle Pryor, so I don't know what he's going on about.

Here's something interesting. Evan Engram has reached double digits for 3 weeks in a row. He might be better than O.J. Howard, even. I don't like Miller to do much against the Rams stacking the box, so Barker will get nothing from his backs. Tim, on the other hand, should get some nice, nice points from Coleman, Ingram, and Howard, so let's go on ahead and just give him the win.

Two weeks in a row Tim had to face a top team for control of the #1 seed, two weeks in a row Tim comes out on top. Truly, this is the year of Tim!

THE PICK: SS 86 - RM 73


WTTK? (4-5) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (4-5)
I thought Bilal Powell looked pretty lively last week. He could be really good on the right team. That's the only good thing I can think of for McCamey this week. As hard as it is to believe, the team with Sterling Shepherd and Paul Richardson at WR is not going to win this week. Le'Veon Bell might win this game by himself.

THE PICK: AH 71 - WTTK 50

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

AFFL Week 9 Review

I don't know if it was because I finally got to watch some football this weekend or just a coincidence, but like 4 really funny things happened in games this weekend. Chief among these funny things was Tyreek Hill's TD that ended the first half. Too short to be a Hail Mary pass, it was more like a Peace Be With You. A 40-yard jog and then he turned into a...





WAIT. The Terror Division? Somebody actually took up Gary on this dumbass division naming idea and THAT'S what they came up with? Jesus Christ.

THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 73.3 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 57.3 ๐Ÿ‘
Yeah, I won but my team just cannot get above 80. It's the Ford Tempo of fantasy teams. If my team was better, I'd take more credit for my Brissett and Watkins pickups combining for 30 points, giving me the win, but who cares?

Let's just talk trades.

Hyde is gone in a fun deal, but I still have the 9th-best kicker. Doesn't sound like much, except he's played 3 fewer games than everybody ahead of him and only costs $1. Only a buck for the best PPG kicker in the league!

Thielen has the 2nd most receiving yards. Watkins was wide open deep last week for an easy TD, Desean is facing the terrible Jets secondary this week with Mike Evans suspended, and Devontae Booker led the Broncos is carries this week.

But the trade target everybody is sleeping on is...the Jaguars. Yeah, I limited my potential trade partners when I franchised them, but they are the 7th cheapest DST in the league. By the way, they're #1 in points. In fact, relative to position, they are the best value in the entire league. The gap from #1 QB to #2 QB? 6 points. #1 RB to #2? 8 points. The gap from the Jags to the #2 DST? 16 points.

Great trade target for a few key competitive teams out there.


THE NATIONAL RAZOR 95.1 - ANIMAL HOUSE 80.5 ๐Ÿ‘
T.Y. Hilton has two 20+ point games this year. He also has 2 games with under 2 points. Going further, he has an 18 point game, and then every other week is single digits. He is like sweetened, condensed A.J. Green and he is absolutely going to cost Gary a playoff game.

Alvin Kamara, who is probably Gary's first really good find since Devonta Freeman, went off for 26.2 points. He and Freeman combined for 32 points. C.J. Anderson had 1.3 and Will Fuller's TD streak did, in fact, come to an end. Way down on the bench, The Next Gronk(tm) had -0.4 points. 1 catch on the day, which he fumbled. He actually wasn't the worst Razor, since the Bengals posted a -0.5.

On the happy side, Matt Stafford threw 2 TDs last and neither one was to Golden Tate, so Gary was able to salt away this win.

Back on the sad side, while we're talking QBs, Jim Irsay came out and said all of Andrew Luck's problems are "mental." So Jim Irsay had a generational QB fall into his lap to replace the last generational QB that he had, then proceeded to give him a terrible GM, a terrible coach, no offensive line, and now that he can't throw because his shoulder is fucked up, essentially said it's all in his head. That should all go well in 2018.


LITTLE BABY JESUS 95.7 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 92.7 ๐Ÿ‘Ž
I said Semi would only score 54 this week, so this was not a particularly good pick. Bri luck took a brief break this week, as he would've won if he started Tyrod over Cam, or if he started Ajayi over Crabtree. He was also unlucky in that Damien Williams of all people scored a TD, and Marshawn Lynch had his best game of the year with 2 TDs.

Oh, plus that Tyreek Hill TD, which absolutely should've been stopped.

Going back to that Raiders game for a second, when Marshall Newhouse scooped up that Carr fumble and turned the corner, I thought for sure he had open field in front of him and was going to run 17 yards for the first down.



Noooooooooooope.

Former Bears OL Anthony Adams, who is great on Twitter and a great entry way into the wild and wonderful world of Black Twitter, helpfully put some miked up audio over this heroic run.



It's really just the little things for me any more. That's all I need.


WTTK? 54.4 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 47.3 ๐Ÿ‘Ž
I did predict 48 points for Scott this week, so that was good. Problem is, McCamey beat expectations by 22.

Bri, I know you scored 92 points and could've stayed in the race for the #1 seed, but you lost. McCamey won, though. Got himself back in the playoff race and everything.

Chris, I know you scored 75 points and could've taken the lead for the #1 seed, but you lost. McCamey won, though. Got himself back in the playoff race and everything.

Mike Barker, I know scored 68 points and could've stayed alive in the playoff race, but you lost. McCamey won, though. Got himself back in the playoff race and everything.

Meyers, I know you don't read this so I'll stop here.

What a roller coaster ride this season has been for Scott. Loses 4 to start, wins the next 4, benches Matt Forte's 21.6 points on Thursday night, finds out Sunday that Fournette is being suspended for 1 game for breaking team rules, has literally no other active players on his roster this week, eats the 0 and loses an important game by 7.

Also, when he picked up Trent Taylor, I thought maybe he still plays Madden on Xbox and that somehow accidentally emailed us a fake player he picked up in year 2031 franchise mode. But no, Trent Taylor is real! And he's white! And Scott picked him up on purpose!

TRENT TAYLOR!

You know how far down you have to scroll to find Trent Taylor? Even with a name search! There are like 10 Taylors in the league! You have to really want Trent Taylor in order to pick him up.

Who the hell wants Trent Taylor?

Bizarre.

Speaking of bizarre, do you think Scott cut Jameis because he found out he gives the worst pregame speeches?


He wants. To Eat. The W.


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER 80.7 - ASSTANNER 75 ๐Ÿ‘
I got this text Saturday evening:

























Obviously it was my number. But what if it wasn't? What does a person do with a random text that starts off like that? Definitely only can end in tears or sex. Maybe both.

But we were both right, the AFFL is boring as hell this year. Absolutely nothing is happening. I don't know if it's because McCamey's August moves were so bad that everybody was thrown off for a full season, or because nobody yet is truly a contender or a tanker, but I hope the Hyde trade gets things unclogged a bit.

Anyway, Chris lost because the Jets totally shut down Shady. I missed this during the game, but apparently the Jets were feeling quite festive during a TV timeout. And since memes are the backbone of the new media economy, people starting laying music over the whole thing.


Stick around to at least 0:51.

I don't know who #33 is, but he is my new favorite Jets player in history, beating out...uh...I guess he's the first one I've liked.

Word in legal circles is that an absolute and final decision on Zeke should be delivered by Friday, and if he suspension is upheld, he's out of appeals to turn to. I hope so. Partially because I want to see Chris' season ruined (The prospect of having 2 lottery picks is very arousing) and partially because I just want it over with.

Tim won this game thanks to an all-around balanced effort, including 11 points from that effervescent Jets defense. The only downside is that Kareem Hunt's points go down every single week because he's getting the Andy Reid treatment. Reid has never known how to use a back properly, and every trick flip play that works just gets him more and more excited about shenanigans. Hunt had 28 yards on his first 3 carries, then finished the game with 9 total carries. A game the Chiefs lost, incidentally. Shameful.

Tim also won in part because DeAndre Hopkins caught the first TD pass of Tom Savage's career. Pitt is it!


RUSSELLMANIA 98.6 - THE NIGHT BOYS 68.3 ๐Ÿ‘
So yes, once again Mike Barker has the most Points Against and the worst record as we near the deadline. It's becoming an annual rite of passage.

This game would've been a lot funnier if Brian lost because Julio Jones dropped a 40-yard TD that hit him in the hands, but Adrian Peterson took care of that. All Marvin Jones did was run up the score.

Terror Division. Goddamn. Pathetic.

Friday, November 3, 2017

AFFL Week 9 Preview

LAST WEEK: 6-0
SEASON: 35-13

The two most admired, beloved, and respected owners in the league, Tim and Chris, face off for the inside track for the #1 seed. Yes, I dumped both of these teams into the Bad bucket in the Season Preview. Tickets are going fast for this thrilling matchup!





THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (2-6) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (3-5)
On the other hand, plenty of great seats are still available to watch Larry and me "battle" for last place. Yes, I gently placed both of these teams into the Good bucket in the Season Preview.

It would make sense for both of us to not even bother replacing our players on bye (or Brett Hundley) and just have a flat out tank off for the #1 overall pick. But, insanely, I'm only 2.5 games back for the 6th playoff spot with 6 games left. Larry is only 1.5 games out. Put that shovel down! We're not dead yet!

Actually, this gives me an idea for a(n) hilarious rule proposal for 2018.

If two teams in the bottom three (alt: eliminated from the playoffs) face each other after the roster freeze (alt: pick a week), the respective owners have to pick their opponent's starting lineup for that week. Opponents will send their lineup decisions to the Commissioner, who will set lineups prior to the opening kickoff.

This will prevent any gentlemen's agreements in which both teams tank the game, and also creates a fun Prisoner's Dilemma in which owners have to blindly decide which direction to go.

Anyway, because I am positively overflowing with integrity, I am going to try this week. Even though my proposed Marvin Jones pickup got cut off in traffic. I'm not thrilled to have Sammy Watkins back, but he was the best of a bad batch of available ballers.

As for this matchup, it features both Colts running backs, both starting Bucs receivers, and if Larry has the balls to start Cooper Kupp, both starting Rams receivers. It's a doozy. Win or lose, I just hope that Devontae Booker plays well enough that I can trade him to Gary.

THE PICK: TDHGNM 74 - TWR 66


ANIMAL HOUSE (4-4) vs. THE NATIONAL RAZOR (4-4)
When Gary was shopping Luck before the season started, I offered an 8th round pick for him. Gary, shockingly, scoffed. But I pointed out that I was the one taking the risk as there was no guarantee that Luck would play at all this season. Gary passed. So he could've had an extra 8th rounder and a wide open franchise slot for Devonta, but instead...















Not only that, the Falcons offense is a shambles, so it might not even be worth keeping Devonta. I guess he could franchise OJ Howard, who I am told is the next Gronk.

Also, not that it matters much, Pierre Garcon was also sent to the IR this week. CJ Anderson, who was once worth a 1st round pick in a trade in Gary's mind, has been sent to the bench in favor of John Brown, who is catching passes from...um...Drew Stanton? Speaking of, Will Fuller's totally unsustainable touchdown ratio will definitely not be sustained with Tom Savage at QB.

There are a lot of commonalities in this matchup. Three players from ATLvCAR, three from ARIvSF, two from NOvTB, Gary has two from HOUvIND, and both Meyers and Gary have a Lion playing Monday night.

Every player in this matchup is perfectly average, hence the identical .500 records of these two teams. Somebody has to make a difference, and if forced to choose, I guess I would pick Alvin Kamara over Eddie Lacy. But this game is going to be close enough that it will be fun knowing that Gary is sweating out every Stafford pass towards Golden Tate.

THE PICK: TNR 71 - AH 68


LITTLE BABY JESUS (3-5) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (5-3)
You're traditionally supposed to wait at least 10-12 weeks before announcing a pregnancy. This is NFL/AFFL Week 9, but considering how damn early we had our draft, it is possible that Semi was so excited to draft Tyreek Hill that he went home and ejaculated inside somebody to celebrate. I mean...we can't rule it out. Really redefined the phrase "breaking free in the open field."

Bri didn't manage to trade Deshaun Watson before his injury bomb struck. I guess with the new players, Bri isn't sure exactly when he has to trade them so somebody else is stuck with the injury. If you're wondering, though, Bri is not going to cut Watson. In fact, he still think he's worth a 1st round pick in a trade. So if you've always wanted to trade a 1st rounder for a QB who had an ACL tear in college, another one in his rookie year, and whose recovery timetable runs up to Week 1 of 2018, here's your chance. Watson is extremely good, though, so I am sure missing his second training camp ever and then facing pocket pressure on a freshly-healed knee will not set him back at all.

Hey, has anybody seen Robert Griffin lately?

Oh, also, with Ajayi's trade to Philly, Bri now has two useless running backs tying up contract slots that he wants to use on Deshaun Watson. Between that trade and Crowell being on a bye, Bri is forced to start Ty Montgomery, who has lost his starting job.

Hilariously, Bri benched Tyrod last night and he scored 26 points. Bri has yet to start the correct QB this season, though it hasn't yet led to a loss.

All this and Bri is still going to win. He's also beating Semi in reproduction, 5-1.

THE PICK: TKSMB 79 - LBJ 54


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (4-4) vs. WTTK? (3-5)
I offered Scott Ben for Jameis months ago. He refused, and now we both wasted cap money cutting them. The other bizarre part is, Jameis is most likely playing this week. Even if he's dinged up, Ben is on a bye, so that leaves Scott starting DREW STANTON. Not even Bruce Arians wants to start Drew Stanton.

Gordon is on a bye, AB is on a bye, Blount is facing the Denver defense, and Demarco Murray sucks. What a mess.

On the other hand look at McCamey. He's had 3 spots play already and he only had 6.4 points. And Kirk Cousins has to play in Seattle. What a disaster.

Okay, since this game is totally useless, let me share another way to improve your life. Eat pit beef. We were outside of Baltimore two weeks ago for a cousin's wedding, so I wanted to try a pit beef place after seeing Guy Fieri eat at like 12 of them over the years. If you hadn't tried it, they basically take a big top round, put on a grill over open flames, then use a deli slicer to make your sandwich. It's like a slighty smoky roast beef sandwich. Baltimore easily defeats Pittsburgh in the battle of signature sandwiches. Try one - or three - if you're ever in the area.

Jesus Christ. Look at these two teams. This is why I still think I can make the playoffs!

THE PICK: TDHAF 48 - WTTK 32


ASSTANNER (6-2) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (6-2)
Are you fucking kidding me with this Ezekial Elliott shit? This court watching is like trying to figure out if that first Muslim ban was gonna pass. This is absolutely ridiculous.

Also, let me get this straight. Jay Ajayi was running the ball decently (according to metrics types), but wasn't going anywhere because his line sucked. Then after Miami lost 40-0, Adam Gase called out his offense saying some dudes weren't even trying, and then the Dolphins traded him to Philly.

So you're telling me Kenyan Drake, who wasn't good enough to take away carries from Ajayi even though the head coach hated Ajayi so much that he literally didn't want to be within 1,000 miles of him, is going to be good behind the line Ajayi wasn't good behind?

Okay.

AJ will be shut down by the franchise-level Jags, Wentz has to face Denver, and Shady couldn't even manage a field goal last night.

Deandre is in a tough spot with Savage, but otherwise things are really turning up Milhouse.

THE PICK: SS 101 - AT 65


RUSSELLMANIA (5-3) vs. THE NIGHT BOYS (3-5)
Brother battle!


Here's fantasy football in a nutshell. If Older Barker had used his first 3 picks this year on Aaron Jones, Chris Thompson, and Alex Collins, we all would've lost our minds. Today, Thompson is the 8th-ranked RB, if you extrapolated Jones' 4 games into a full season, he'd be in the top 10, and Alex Collins has as many points as Joe Mixon or Derrick Henry.

Anyway, it's way past time for Julio Jones to catch a dang touchdown.

This is pretty bad schedule luck for The Night Boys, actually. I think they're about to have one of their classic weeks in which they score the 3rd-most points in the league but still lose.

THE PICK: RM 95 - TNB 86


If you were paying attention, you'll note that if these picks all come to pass, we'll have FIVE different teams with a 3-6 record. Catch the fever!

Monday, October 30, 2017

AFFL Week 8 Review

Another thoroughly mediocre week for my team, but another incredible week for the picks. The picks are 16-2 over the last 3 weeks. And that's not just from taking chalk. There have been some upsets mixed in there.

So there's a new hex for me. Once I gave up hope, I was granted total clarity and a vision of the future.

This week, it wasn't just the W/L picks, either. When I look at how some of my point predictions turned out, all I can think is...




SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER 73.3 - THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 67.9 ๐Ÿ‘
Naturally, Tim started Amari after that pointspalooza last week, so naturally, Amari had 5.5 points while DeAndre Hopkins naturally had 28.4 points on the bench. Not that it mattered. Interesting factoid: the Saints are 5-2 even though Brees is on pace for his worst numbers since arriving in New Orleans. I guess them finally giving the ball to Mark Ingram helps.

This might sound crazy, but I don't think my team is bad. There have been 3 AFFL scores in the 40s this year, 2 in the 30s, and Larry posted a 25 once. Only once have I posted the worst score of the week, so with incredible schedule luck, I could be 7-1.

My guys are just aggressively mediocre. I usually score between 65-75, but I never have two guys going off in the same week. I never have that amazing game that can push me up to 90. I just have pluggers.

Forget that, let me sell you on some of my players if you're thinking trade. Everybody is available, but did you know that Carlos Hyde is top 10 RB and just got a new QB? Or that Adam Thielen has the 2nd-most receiving yards this season? He scored his 1st TD this week and if you think 5 TDs is a fair season total for him, that means he'll score 4 TDs in the next 8 weeks. Or that Dion Lewis' carries have gone up every single week? Or that Marlon Mack will be a super athletic starting RB if the Colts trade Gore this week? Or that I have 2 kickers on high-octane offenses who cost $1?

Just for the historical record, though, there were 4 defenses I could've picked up and won with this week. Carolina, Indianapolis, New England, and Atlanta. So there's that. Add it to the hex pile!


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 71.6 - THE NATIONAL RAZOR 65.2 ๐Ÿ‘
Gary got a little too deep into the Kahlua Friday night and wrote...

"a) you just want me lose, I'm not actually gong to louse, and

b) I wanted to sign Howard after I drafted him but couldn't do it. I'm not chasing points this year, I'm looking ahead to next year when Brate is gone and he's the next Gronk."

Well, he lost. 

But also...he couldn't sign Howard after the draft? So...Gary is claiming he couldn't sign Howard after drafting him in the 10th round because "reasons." He cut Howard to get his final roster down to the right size, choosing instead to keep CJ Prosise and Ted Ginn.

Of course, two days later he cut Prosise for Logan Paulsen (???), only to turn around and cut Paulsen for Wendell Smallwood the next day. Two weeks later, he dropped Smallwood and picked up Jason Witten. The next week, he picked Smallwood back up. Then he dropped Witten for Andre Ellington.

So all this time, Gary is churning players, but never brings back "the next Gronk." If he would've cut Ted Ginn before the season, he could've had "the next Gronk" on his roster for like $0.25. He picked up Logan Paulsen and Jason Witten before "the next Gronk" in a league that doesn't even require tight ends. 

Finally, OJ Howard has 1 good game so Gary drops Andre Ellington for him. 

Gronk is such a generational talent that his numbers need to be compared to wide receivers, not tight ends. Gary has the next generational talent on his roster for $0.25 and just lets him go free? And then when Paulsen, Smallwood, Witten, Smallwood again, Ellington, Ginn, and Prosise don't pan out, he never thinks to go back and claim the next generational talent? He somehow only remembered his scouting report on Howard after a 20-point game?

I dunno. Seems dubious to me.

PS, Howard had 1.6 points this week.

And I predicted this game would be 70-66. Not bad.


WTTK? 72.5 - LITTLE BABY JESUS 55.9 ๐Ÿ‘
I predicted 74 points for WTTK? this week, which is not bad. Though, in fairness, the original CBS projection was 72 points. 

On Friday, I was all set to make an incredulous comment about Paul Richardson being in McCamey's starting lineup. Then I thought that if I did, the way things have gone for me this year, Richardson would have an incredible game. Richardson had 105 yards and 2 TDs and actually had a 3 TD called back on a penalty. So I was right. To, uh, not say anything.

The great Joe Mixon had a decent score thanks to receiving yards, but he had 11 carries for 18 yards. On one sweep, he actually tripped himself. Joe Mixon, ladies and gentlemen.

Also, McCamey won despite starting 2 tight ends on purpose.

Wait. Semi is having a kid?! I didn't even know he had someone to put a kid into.


RUSSELLMANIA 98 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 85.5 ๐Ÿ‘
I predicted this one would be 103-83. Not bad. 

Russ threw 4 TDs and Lamar Miller had 2 TDs, though Julio continues to disappoint. 

This is just a tough loss for Scott. He would've beaten 7 other teams this week. Melvin Gordon had an 87-yard TD run. Dallas had a defensive TD. Ertz scored yet another TD. But it came down to QBs. Brian had Russ, Scott had Jameis and his very sorry 3.3 points. He also, in a way, had Ben, who could only get AB to 7 points. This season might really be it for Ben, which makes AB a very interesting franchise player next year at like $1.91 and Josh Dobbs throwing to him. 


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 100.4 - THE NIGHT BOYS 39.9 ๐Ÿ‘
We all know Bri is lucky. Starting the worst of your 3 QBs but still scoring 100 points? Lucky. A what-the-hell 9th round pick on Deshaun Watson? Lucky. Leaving Watson's 30 points on the bench and not even having to worry about it? Lucky. Two defensive touchdowns? Lucky. 

None of that is even the luckiest thing that happened this week. Let's talk about Isaiah Crowell. Crowell has been utterly useless this season. Zero TDs through the first 7 weeks. An expensive contract gumming up Bri's roster. His best week was 8.6. Two different weeks under 4 points.

But Bri needed him this week because of byes. Well, maybe not needed. There were multiple free agent RBs and WRs with more points on the season than Crowell. But Bri held him for an extra 4 weeks just so he could use him this week. So of course Crowell puts up 118 yards and a touchdown.

I mean...what the fuck? How does this shit always happen for Bri?

Or fuck, how about getting to face an opponent who puts up 39.9? Only 3.9 for Dez? Only 6.3 for Dak? You guys don't have to give it Zeke EVERY time.

Ridiculous.


ASSTANNER 96.3 - ANIMAL HOUSE 87.1 ๐Ÿ‘
Zeke's temporary restraining order was knocked down tonight, so his suspension is back on. Except...the NFLPA will appeal tomorrow, so the suspension is still holding. At this rate, Chris is going to win a 3rd straight title with Zeke scoring 40 points in Week 16, then the suspension will kick in for next year, so Chris will be able to draft Zeke in the 6th round with his first pick of the 2018 draft.

It's all so stupid.

Neither of these teams started a defense this week. I'd suspect a gentlemen's agreement, but I don't think Chris or Meyers even have each other's emails. Torrey Smith played but still had a 0, so Chris had 2 positions combine for 0 points and he still put up 96. That'll happen when your backfield teams up for 70 points. That includes Jerick Goddamn McKinnon putting up another 20 points.

Unbelievably enough, Meyers started JuJu this week. Though all his 25.3 points did was make this game seem closer than it was. Only 13.1 for Le'Veon, another mediocre game for Michael Thomas, and another mediocre game for McCaffrey. McCaffrey is just a flat out bust at this point.

Friday, October 27, 2017

AFFL Week 8 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2
SEASON: 29-13

This is the first season I've been unintentionally bad. I tanked once before, but that was essentially a garage sale to throw out all of the garbage that Chris left behind when his franchised was foreclosed on.

I'm sure you all have lots of input on where I went wrong and such, so let me just say...



THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (2-5) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (5-2)
Actually, I'm am enjoying the freedom from caring about fantasy football. Especially because this season is historically bizarre. There have been 6 shutouts in only 7 weeks this season. There were only 5 shutouts in the previous 32 weeks. It makes sense that my traditional smarts wouldn't work in a non-traditional season. If anything, being bad this season is more of compliment than anything else.

In that vein, I'm telling you that I'm not going to respect whoever lucks themselves into the 2017 title. It's going to be like the year Crash won Best Picture. That's one of the worst movies I've ever seen, and you're one of the worst champions I've ever seen. Whoever you are.

So all I have left to hold my interest for the next few weeks are trades, and I will hear out any offer for any player. You need a cheap backup kicker? I'm your guy! You need WR or RB depth? I'm your guy!

And oh hey by the way, I know the 49ers suck, but Carlos Hyde is currently the #9 RB overall. He's 1 point ahead of Devonta Freeman. (Through line - Kyle Shanahan called Freeman's plays last year and Hyde's this year.) Surprised more people haven't come knocking for him. Especially since he's cheap, on a 1/2 contract, and a free agent who can sign anywhere in 2018.

And it's not just my players I can trade. I'll probably have the #1 waiver spot through the freeze. I'm happy to take waiver wire request and then flip a player to you. I'll be your waiver middle man, sure. I'll even trade for one of your expensive players and cut him myself to eat the cap hit for you. For a price.

Let's see...what else is interesting about me? Well, I'm toying with the idea of signing Marlon Mack. The last time didn't I sign a super dynamic rookie back on my roster because he hadn't taken over the starting job by the roster freeze, it was David Johnson. But if I sign Mack, do I get my 2017 stink on him?

Lastly, I'm not picking up a replacement defense this week. Not because I'm quitting, but because the available defenses are so iffy there's no guarantee they won't put up negative points. It's a strategic decision.

Oh! I have one more 2017 hex for you. It was my rule suggestion to stop picking up college players and I supported it the loudest. And now I have two college players I really, really want. So that's fun.

Guess I should also talk about Tim in the preview.

Tim's gonna win this week.

THE PICK: SS 88 - TDHGNM 61


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (2-5) vs. THE NATIONAL RAZOR (4-3)
One thing we have not talked about enough this season is how Gary should have David Johnson on his IR spot, except he created this rental player exemption and then closed the loophole after he got picks back. It's a little like how there is a new Trump scandal daily so we move on from the old ones except not a goddamn single interesting things has happened in this league in all of 2017, so, yeah. We should be talking about this more.

You know...teams that can pressure Brady give him fits, and Melvin Ingram and Joey Bosa have more sacks combined than most teams right now. Here's Melvin Ingram last week:



Hilton and Garcon should be limited by good defenses this week, and Devonta Freeman isn't even as good as Carlos Hyde, so Gary is going to struggle this week.

Also, Gary signed OJ Howard to a 2-year contract this week. Any time you can lock up a rookie TE who isn't yet his team's starter because he had 1 good game, you gotta do it!

Larry struggles every week, but all of his guys have pretty good matchups. Except for Frank Gore who is slowly losing his matchup with time. It's upset time, folks!

THE PICK: TWR 70 - TNR 66


LITTLE BABY JESUS (3-4) vs. WTTK? (2-5)
Trying to improve your football knowledge this season isn't really working out, so let me try to improve your life knowledge if I can. Here's your first one. Some of the best comedy being created today is on...

Black Twitter.

What is Black Twitter? It's Twitter, but black people. Some celebs, some actual comedians, and a whole bunch of normal folks that are just unbelievably funny. It's like this whole other world. I'm already on the edge of sounding like I'm trying to gentrify something ("It's just so authentic here!"), but trust me. Outstanding comedy every single day.

Okay, I'll give just one example. Remember when Under Armour came out with Air Dad 1s?
















Somebody on black Twitter started a thread asking what's the worst you've ever been roasted for your shoes? I'm on the couch next to Nikki and Abby just heaving with laughter. Crying. For 30 minutes. They ask me what I'm laughing at and I'm all (Eddie Murphy white guy voice) "They're making fun of peoples' shoes."

There were HUNDREDS. My favorite was a dude whose mom got him some knockoff Nikes. The Nike logo was upside down. A dude in school shouted that he was wearing Air Newports.

I died. I'm dead right now, in fact.

THE PICK: WTTK? 74 - LBJ 63


RUSSELLMANIA (4-3) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (4-3)
Is Jameis actually playing this week? I don't know anything about this matchup except Zach Ertz is going to score a TD.

THE PICK: RM 103 - TDHAF 83


THE NIGHT BOYS (3-4) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (4-3)
I went to bed at halftime last night because I don't need Ryan Mallett and Matt Moore in my life. Looks like I missed pix-sixes. Those are probably going to save Bri, because Jay Ajayi is not doing much this season. This is again where fantasy football is just like poker. Drafting Ajayi in our first round is probably the right thing to do. Locking up a starting running back is probably the right thing to do. But sometimes the flop comes and it's an offensive line that can't block and then the turn card is a coach angrily saying his best offensive players need to actually try.

Here's a fun stat I saw today. Alex Collins has more rushing yards this season than Jay Ajayi on 50 fewer carries. Here's another fun thing I saw. Alex Collins on Barker's bench with 14.3 points.

In other news, Deshaun Watson and the Texans almost walked out of practice today after they had heard own Bob McNair said "The inmates can't run the prison." during a recent players-owners meeting. Deandre Hopkins actually did walk out.

I know Boomers are super nostalgic, but I'm not sure about them bringing back You Can Be Openly Racist And Say Derogatory Things With Zero Consequences. I'm not surprised that America - the world, really - is racist. I am really surprised that within the past 3 years, all the racists all at once decided they weren't hiding any more.

And...look, I'll just say this so political thoughts don't run out on me. All these Second Amendment folks? The ones are not actually part of a well-regulated militia? The ones who say they need to arm themselves to protect themselves from a tyrannical government? First, I don't know what's more tyrannical than agents of the state summarily executing people with a shot to the back with no trial. Second, Afghanis were pretty armed. Iraqis were pretty armed. They couldn't stop drones dropping bombs from 25,000 feet. If the U.S. Government wants to "take back" rural Michigan? Guess what, Ron? You're fucked.

THE PICK: TKSMB 102 - TNB 77


ANIMAL HOUSE (4-3) vs. ASSTANNER (5-2)
I...we're supposed to talk football here. But GODDAMMIT. We live in a country where 600 people can be shot in 45 minutes, we half care for two days, then stories come out about how the shooting victims can't afford their hospital bills, and NOTHING IS DONE.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

Actually, I can tie this into the league somehow. A couple of years ago, Gary and I had a mini-row over email about him being terrified of ISIS being inspired by the San Bernardino shooters. I told him he had a better chance of being shot by a white guy at Robinson Town(e?) Cent(re?).

Fucking white guy shot 600 people.

The 21st century American dream is simply NOT getting fucked raw somehow by something you can't control. Great work, everyone!

Okay, enough. Let's get positive. JuJu is outstanding. Already a local treasure AND he's going to be really good. Dial 1-900-976-JUJU.

Chris overpaid for Willie Snead a few weeks ago and has yet to play him. I think. I'm not gonna go back and check. Fuck everything.

THE PICK: AT 97 - AH 67

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

AFFL Week 7 Review

My hex powers are absolutely out of control right now. I can usually focus them, but at the moment it's like a X-Men movie when Cyclops gets his glasses kicked off. The hex is just spraying everywhere. I'm getting hex all over my pants. Nothing is going right for my team, but the picks are 10-2 in the last 2 weeks and 29-13 on the season.

But the crazy hex part is, the team picks are doing well because my player previews are so bad. I say one guy will go off and he sucks and another guy will suck and he goes off and it balances out with a good game pick.

Anyway,  I went looking for hot water. I shouldn't be shocked if I got burned by it.





THE NATIONAL RAZOR 72.7 - THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 67.5 ๐Ÿ‘
Honestly, it's hard to pick the best thumbnail summary of my entire season. Amari Cooper only had 5.1 points since I traded him and 20.5 points on the season, but once I said trading him was my best move of the season, he scored 33 points in a single game. And Tim didn't lose even though he benched Cooper. Which, I mean, did 10% of players start Cooper this week?

That's a good hex. But is it as good as Latavius Murray? I used #1 waiver priority to grab Murray instead of Aaron Jones. I used my second waiver pick on Jones. Murray lost the job to McKinnon in a quarter, Jones went on to steal the job from Ty Montgomery. Of course, as soon as I cut Murray for Brett Hundley, Murray went off for 18 points.

That's a good hex. But is it as good as ending Martavis Bryant's Steelers career by drafting him in the first round and giving him a 2 year contract? And I won't lie here, I went into this year's draft with the sole aim of landing Martavis. I have him in both of my leagues.

I want to keep Marlon Mack, but do I even risk it?

Anyway, I am fine with the fate of this season. I accept it. I have mocked Scott and Gary for going 2-12, but I really don't care what happens to me this season. I look at it like this. I cook a lot and I'm good at it. Pasta from scratch, fish tacos, top notch grilling, I have a smoker, I make my own bacon, I can roast a whole pig. I can get shit done in the kitchen. But one week I really wanted some veal piccata. I bought the veal, the lemon, the butter, the capers, dredged it, fried it, made the sauce, and I really fucked it up. Way too bitter, too many capers, too much salt...it sucked. 2017 is my veal piccata season. I'll bounce back.

Gary won this game with 70 points. Congrats. I'm sure he has a very good team.

Actually, we can talk about this game a little bit more to extend the hex talk. I started Brett Hundley in fuck it mode, which cost me the game. I started Martavis over DeSean because of Friday's talk that the Steelers would feed Martavis. That cost me the game. Tom Brady intentionally deflected a shotgun snap to Brandin Cooks on a sweep and they credited that as a touchdown "pass". That cost me the game.

Oh, one last hex thing. I was facing Brady and Jake Elliott in both of my leagues, so I had 2 come from ahead losses Monday night. Elliott's final field goal meant I lost my other game by 0.1 point. Also, PS, I would've won both games if I benched Martavis.


ASSTANNER 99.6 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 78 ๐Ÿ‘
You know what? Chris was right about Tyrod Taylor a few years ago, and he was right about Carson Wentz this year. The hex is so bad in 2017 that I like Chris more than myself.

Ezekial Elliott might be the only player in the league who has been good every single week. Wait, no. Only 2.2 points in Week 2. Still, he's the most consistent player this season. Maybe Kareem Hunt make 1a and 1b.

Torrey Smith didn't see the field Monday night, Dan Bailey re-aggravated his groin injury during the game, the Chiefs posted -4.5, and AJ Green was shut down and Chris still ran away with this game. Getting 63 points from 2 running backs apparently goes a long way.


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 86.1 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 58.2 ๐Ÿ‘Ž
Is Zack Ertz ever going to not score a TD? I mean, it's every damn week with this guy. Jameis did play despite injury and had one of his best games of the year. Bucs still lost, though. Hard Knocks is beyond boring at this point, but one thing it's still good for is that you can learn if a head coach is any good within 5 minutes. There's just something about the CEO / leadership role that's so totally different from being a good play caller / blitz sender.

Dirk Koetter was not very impressive.

Feels like Larry did not have Orleans Darkwa and Tarik Cohen on his preseason radar, and yet here they are, starting in his backfield. Frank Gore is crotchety about these kids infringing on his Ripper turf.


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER 75.7 - ANIMAL HOUSE 69.9 ๐Ÿ‘
You know how when your team misses the playoffs you adopt another team just to have something to root for? I'm doing that with Tim this year. All aboard the Tim Train!

Maybe I'm just a biased fan, but you can't blame Tim for not starting Cooper this week. His previous 5 games were 2.8 - 0.8 - 0.9 - 0.6 - 3.3. Scores out here looking like a dang IP address.

Kareem Hunt hasn't been as dynamic the last 4 weeks, but his lowest total is still 11 points.

Meyers was pretty close to winning this one, and it's up to him to decide if he's most upset about the Cardinals DST scoring -2.5, Gronk for not catching a TD, Christian McCaffrey for being a huge letdown, or Steve Sarkisian for ruining the Falcons offense.


THE NIGHT BOYS 109.6 - LITTLE BABY JESUS 67.8 ๐Ÿ‘
This is the highest Night Boys score this season by 27 points. It may seem like it came out of nowhere, but I did predict 96 points for them this week. I still know a few things here and there.

Dak had a huge game, Aaron Jones needs to be signed to Rex Burkhead's 2-year contract slot ASAP, and Chris Thompson is the best Washington RB by far.

You know how in past season's we chuckled at Barker's horrible luck? Him all having decent scores but going 5-9 because he gave up 1000 points? So far this season he's plucked Aaron Jones from the waiver wire, got Chris Thompson to stay hot after getting picked up, and got a TD from Chris Ivory this week in an emergency start.

Alex Smith and Tyreek Hill are the new Rodgers and Jordy, it seems. Credit to Semi for having the brains and the guts to bench Jordy, but it looks like AP's triumphant return to prominence only lasted one week.


RUSSELLMANIA 77 - WTTK? 66.7 ๐Ÿ‘Ž
For the 2nd time this season, Derrick Henry had a dud game in a week when Murray was supposed to be hurt. The Joe Mixon breakout that every expert declared was coming never came. McCamey started Davante Adams, possibly because he didn't hear that Rodgers was hurt. Had he paired Jordan Reed with his Cousins start, he would've won.

Nelson Agholor almost outscored Julio again until Julio ripped a TD ball away from Malcolm Butler late.

My favorite thing about Terrelle Pryor this season is that his existence means that Martavis Bryant is not the worst 2017 first round pick.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

AFFL Week 7 Preview

LAST WEEK: 6-0
SEASON: 25-11

Come Tuesday, it's certain that we'll have two 5-2 teams controlling the league. It's also certain that we'll have two 4-3 teams feeling good about themselves.

And it's possible - though maybe not likely - that we have EIGHT 3-4 teams sinking to the bottom of the toilet like a big brown log. Sure, technically that log has its own top and bottom, but really, it's all shit. If you're the top of shit, you're still shit.

Even if we don't achieve the shit singularity, we'll still at a point in which 66% of the league is just...




THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (2-4) vs. THE NATIONAL RAZOR (3-3)
My team is not good. I am under no illusions. The only thing I've done right is traded Amari Cooper before it was too late. Though if Chris tanks without his backs and the 1st rounder he gave me for AJ turns into a lottery pick, that would be pretty good.

The only chance I have at winning this week is Martavis shocking everybody with a long TD, Mack shocking everybody with a long TD, Dion Lewis shocking everybody with a long TD, and Thielen just catching a TD, which he hasn't done this season. But the fact that I still picked up a kicker with Fairbairn speaks to my optimism. As well as my tremendous integrity and concern for the league's competitiveness.

Gary could've traded Emmanuel Sanders, and now he's hurt. He could've traded Andrew Luck but now he's done for the year and has to be cut in order to keep Freeman. I recommend trading CJ ASAP.

All that aside, I am not going to enjoy watching Sunday Night Football when Brady and Freeman give Gary the lead in the first quarter and then continue to run up the score on me.

THE PICK: TNR 81 - TDHGNM 58


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (4-2) vs. ASSTANNER (4-2)
The fact that we need a court order every week to know whether or not Zeke can play is a true testament to Gooddell's incompetence. Having Zeke run against the Niners is much better for Chris than having Wayne Gallman not run against Seattle, that much we do know. In fact, Chris pretty much only has good matchup this week. Even LeSean should have his first good game since Week 1.

Bri is going to have to cave somewhere. Either he moves Cam at a discount rate, cuts Crowell and carries $0.91 against the cap for nothing, or he lets Deshaun walk after the season. In fact, if anything, Bri should be packaging Cam WITH a pick. That's how obvious it is that we'd be doing him a favor by clearing out that contract for him. I offered to take on Crowell and eat the cap hit myself in exchange for considerations, but Bri claims he needs Crowell for Week 10, after the freeze, due to byes. Me, I would cut Crowell, find somebody on the FA pile that can also score 3 points (PLAYER NAME: Anybody, At All) and sign Deshaun, but what do I know?

Actually, I know that keeping a shitty, expensive player for 10 weeks just so you can use him as a bye week fill in, costing yourself a great, cheap QB, is a terrible move. So this is where Bri will cave. He will also cave on the scoreboard this week.

THE PICK: AT 93 - TKSMB 71


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (3-3) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (2-4)
Scott and I have been talking trade on AB all week, and it's going about how you might expect. I've given him a really fun, clever trade option, but he might hold AB to make a run this year. Of course, if I took on AB, I could send the franchise Jaguars DST back to him. LO AND BEHOLD, Scott needs a DST this week! It's perfect.

Then again, he also needs a QB with Jameis out, and might have to play Blount and Forte with Fournette and Murray out.

Assuming Larry takes Dalvin Cook out of his starting lineup (how did he get there in the first place?), I'm calling for the upset. And what a devastating upset it will be. Scott is trying to win and loses, Larry is trying to tank and wins. These guys can't do anything right!

THE PICK: TWR 68 - TDHAF 54


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (4-2) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (4-2)
Meyers picked up JuJu? When did that happen? I swear, all of his moves just happen with no warning. The Sunday night is obviously pretty key for Meyers, considering he'll have Ryan and Gronk trying to make up a deficit. You would think that Ryan wouldn't have much problem against the Pats secondary, but this game is on the road, outside, and the whole Falcons offense has been off track since Kyle Shanahan left.

Still, Meyers might be down 30 points by the time the sun goes down Sunday. I'd be more excited about Brees against the Packers if the game was in our southernest state and not our northernest, but even if Brees struggles, Ingram should run wild. Especially if the Saints are bleeding the clock in this Brett Hundley game.

It'll be close Sunday night, but Tim will go to be atop the AFFL. Assuming he can stay up that late.

THE PICK: SS 88 - AH 83


THE NIGHT BOYS (2-4) vs. LITTLE BABY JESUS (3-3)
Semi has AP, Marshawn, AND Jamaal Charles. What year does he think this is? Me, I know it's 2017 because those 3 guys are only costing his $2.92 in cap space. In 2013, that trio would've set him back like $6.50. But now? Man, it's like 2 of the original members of ELO are playing the Washington County Fair billed as Electric Night Orchestra for legal purposes.

Barker's another guy who's going to win this week when he needs to lose? Doesn't anybody know how to tank around here? Do you guys really want to sneak into the #6 seed with a 6-8 record?

THE PICK: TNB 94 - LBJ 72


WTTK? (2-4) vs. RUSSELLMANIA (3-3)
The best receiving cob in the league is starting Nelson Agholor this week. That's how quickly things have changed in 2017. First round pick Terrelle Pryor has been a huge disappointment, right? Guess what? Julio Jones only has 10 more points. Only 1.66666666666666666667 more points per week. Agholor is actually outscoring Julio by 20!

Cousins will have to throw to keep up with Wentz, which is good for McCamey, but the last time DeMarco Murray was hurt and Henry had big points the previous week, he put up a 6. Additionally, every single article I read this week said Joe Mixon will break out against the Steelers and finally prove his value, so guess how that's going to turn out. Davante Adams without Rodgers and Jaron Brown at all?

Man, both of these teams have some huge holes this week. I guess...

THE PICK: WTTK? 64 - RM 60


Tuesday, October 17, 2017

AFFL Week 6 Review

Yooooooo! I won AND the picks went 6-0. It's been a while since I felt this good! Sometimes I just can't get enough of myself!




THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 69.3 - ASSTANNER 55.5 ๐Ÿ‘
I assume Gary's annual "I can't put your moves through at 12:59pm on Sunday, guyz!" email was in reference to Chris trying to pick up a kicker last minute. But if that kicker was anything like his other pick ups this week, it wouldn't have made a difference. Picked up Michael Floyd, who scored 0.5. Traded Jeremy Maclin and a pick for Willie Snead, then benched Snead, who scored 1.1 points. Neither Maclin nor Snead would get picked in the 4th round, so good luck figuring out that trade. Torrey Smith, who was not a new pick up, scored 0.6.

Though, honestly, around 2pm I was fairly upset by the thought that Jerick McKinnon was going to upset me. Why is he scoring 20 points?!? Around 4pm I was upset by the thought that I am never going to start or bench Buck Allen correctly. But then Carlos Hyde slipped into the end zone for a second time, then DeSean got in there once and all of the upset thoughts just melted away.

By the way, if you're wondering, I don't have any concrete thoughts on the Martavis trade request rumors just yet. It does seem like pretty odd timing, though.


RUSSELLMANIA 75.2 - THE NATIONAL RAZOR 57.7 ๐Ÿ‘
T.Y. Hilton did not get into the end zone, as I predicted, but this game wasn't that close anyway because Brady didn't do that much on Sunday. TY, BTW, has scored 20+ in 2 games this season and 4- in 4 games this season. TY is like a concentrated version of AJ.

Actually, maybe he's a concentrated version of Gary. Gary has gone over 100 twice, but has been under 70 thrice. That's the exact type of team that loses a playoff game in heartbreaking fashion. Kamara was serviceable after last week's breakout, Garcon should've done much more against a very banged up Washington secondary, and Freeman...I mean, Atlanta probably wouldn't have blown a 17-point lead at home if they handed it off more. CJ Anderson, what the hell are you doing? 1.7 points from a guy Gary thinks is worth a 1st round pick in a trade?

I feel like Brian Barker wants to just go into tank mode with this team but can't because he keeps winning every other week. Interestingly, aside from Week 4 when he posted 111 on Brian Williams, Barker has been between 69-77 points every other week.

This is the worst, weirdest fantasy season I've even see. Whomever lucks ass backwards into the title should never take credit for winning this season.


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 84.8 - WTTK? 83.6 ๐Ÿ‘
Wowwwwwwwwwwww. Derrick Henry was 1.3 points away from creating one of the greatest moments in AFFL history. They would've brought back Alcoa Fantastic Finishes if McCamey pulled this one out. And I woulda missed it! I went to bed at the 2-minute warning.

The fascinating, remarkable, and stunning gap between Crabtree and Cooper TDs continued this week, and Ajayi had another usable game. Kelce was held down for the first time in a while, and Ty Montgomery is now totally useless between Aaron Jones and Brett Hundley.

But the Ravens were the real difference here. 2 defensive TDs, 2 fumble recoveries, and 4 sacks. Take away a single one of those and Bri loses this game.

PS, Brian Williams should've sprinted to Semi's bed side once Rodgers was hurt. It was a glorious chance to move Cam and franchise Watson. But it looks like Brian Barker had the same idea and beat him to it. I like to imagine that Barker cut off Williams like so:



John Brown caught a TD this week. Unfortunately, McCamey has Jaron Brown on his team. He did not catch a TD.


ANIMAL HOUSE 96.4 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 59.7 ๐Ÿ‘
Larry had a full roster this week and more than doubled his scoring. That said, when you start with 25 points this week, you probably need to quadruple your score and no K or DST is going to do that for you.

Oh, speaking of, Dustin Hopkins got hurt this week and his now on IR. So we'll soon get to soon whether or not Larry will bother picking up a kicker for the rest of the season.

Michael Thomas had 11 receiving yards in a 52-38 win. Remember August when everybody said he was a breakout player? Remember two weeks when everybody said Latavius Murray was a good pickup? Remember four days ago when everybody said Elijah McGuire was a great spot start against the Patriots? We're all just fooling ourselves here, folks, pretending that any actual knowledge goes into this.

Gronk and Bell combined for 260 yards, 3 TDs, and 0 injuries, which is an absolute best case scenario for those two.


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 117.3 - THE NIGHT BOYS 72 ๐Ÿ‘
You all are aware that Scott wants to move AB so he can extend Fournette, right? Problem is, there are maybe 3 three teams in the league that could take on AB as a FP, which is why he offered up Murray later in the week. But, I mean, would you rather trade for a 2/3 RB with constant hamstring issues and a young backup breathing down his neck? Or would you rather wait until 2018 and draft Fournette yourself? Seems like a pretty easy choice if you ask me.

On the other hand, maybe Scott should just live in the now and run at a 2017 title with the team as is. He's scored 241 points in the last 2 weeks. When Zach Ertz is posting 13 points on 18 yards because he had 2 TDs, it might be your year.

Here's something interesting. Scott and Brian Williams are perfect trade partners. Bri could franchise AB, cut Crowell and sign Deshaun. Scott could use Cam on a 1/X with Jameis hurt and franchise Fournette. There's only one problem. Why would either one of them be eager to help out their only real competition for the title in an incredibly soft season? The irony of losing the title game to a guy you traded away is probably too much to ever live down.

The Kevin Hogan experiment ended for the Browns in just 1 week, and I assume it ended for Barker as well. A shame to waste a 21 point effort from the Texans defense.


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER 102.7 - LITTLE BABY JESUS 42.9
Then again, maybe it's Tim's year. Kareem Hunt only had 21 rushing yards and still managed 11 points. Adrian Peterson, who never got any carries, somehow was holding Ingram back because he went off for 26 points this week. The Vikings DST didn't get any bonus points for ending the Packers' season, but it was perfect timing the week that Timmy was facing Rodgers and Jordy.

Fun quirk. In both of my leagues Rodgers and Jordy are on the same team. Semi can trade for Alex Smith, he can start AP next week and chase those 25.6 bench points, but his season is over. Problem is, the competition for the #1 pick is probably going to be tougher than the competition for the title this season.


Friday, October 13, 2017

AFFL Week 6 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2
SEASON: 19-11

We dedicate this week's song to the Dolphins' former offensive line coach. He thought he was her daddy but she had five more.





THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (1-4) vs. ASSTANNER (4-1)
Whooooooooooooooo, Zeke! Oh baby! He can kneel for the anthem this week if wants! Ain't nothin' Jerry can do to him when he's sitting at home!

Dallas is actually on a bye this week, so Chris will be without Zeke in Week 6, Week 7, Week 8, Week 9, Week 10, Week 11, and Double Week 12. He'll be back for the last game of our regular season and the playoffs, assuming Chris can even make the playoffs, even with a 4-1 head start.

Legal proceedings aside, also sitting this one out due to bye are Shady, AJ, and kicker Dan Bailey. Plus, this is also newly relevant Alfred Morris' bye. Oh, and Dalvin Cook is gone due to injury. This week is the part of season documentary when Liev Schrieber grimly intones, "But the Asstanner did not realize at the moment that this was the season's high water mark."

If that's not enough for you, Devante Parker is hurt, Wayne Gallman isn't going to do a thing against Denver, and Kendall Wright isn't going to do a thing against Baltimore. Jerick McKinnon, who ruined my Latavius pickup last week, is going to need to score about 60 points to hurt me for a second week in a row.

So...I am happy to have landed Odell and I'm happy to sign him to a contract. He'll be expensive in '18 and '19 to be sure, but I now feel like I essentially have 3 first round picks next year.

Let me tell you how I almost blew it.

I had it in my head (incorrectly) that I'd have the #1 waiver priority for any waiver player this week. I figured I could grab Mack on Tuesday, and then when BB dropped Odell for somebody on Tuesday, I'd also have priority for Odell on Wednesday. As it turns out, I had priority for Mack, but using that move burned my priority for the week. The priority doesn't reset until next week. So I got Mack, yeah, but I fell back in line on Odell.

While fighting off mild heart attack system with half an aspirin, I asked Gary to erase my Mack move and give me Odell since we had discussed it Monday. He (correctly) told me my move had to stand. Lucky for me, half the league couldn't even afford Odell due to cap problems and I ended up getting him anyway. Not my finest moment overall.

But after all of that, was it even a good move? Well, when I was kicking myself for my stupidity, Gary told me not to worry. I'd probably still get Odell because nobody else would even go for him because picking him up was the wrong move because he'll be so expensive in '18 and '19. On the other hand, after the pickup was announced Brian Williams emailed me within 10 minutes to say it was the only good move I've made this season. So figure out whether you like Gary or Bri better and there's your answer.

But here was my reaction:



Oh! The game! I almost forgot. My team is not good. I'm looking at it this week and there's simply no way to talk myself into competing this year. And yet...I'm going to win this week simply because of Chris' roster problems. And it's entirely possible that after this week five teams will be 4-2, five more will be 2-4, and the other two will be 3-3. I'm potentially 1.5 games out of the playoffs with 8 games left.

I just can't win many more of those 8.

PS, I didn't even want Mack and Perine that much. I only picked them up so Chris can't have them for this game.

THE PICK: TDHGNM 65 - AT 50


THE NATIONAL RAZOR (3-2) vs. RUSSELLMANIA (2-3)
Kudos to Brian Barker for figuring out a way to make a kicker cost more than his listed price. Thanks to his Bryant-Rams-Folk-Bryant debacle, Brian is paying $1.86 for Bryant this season even though he only costs $1.64 this year.

Brian has 27 players listed on his 2017 team sheet, a number that makes even Chris shake his head. He had five players on his roster for a single week. Matt Stafford is practically a veteran, having lasted two weeks. He has $0.06 of cap room at the moment, though he could drop Alex Smith and the Rams after Seattle's bye this week.

He had a ton of picks coming into the season, he made a ton of splashy trades before the draft, he's had a ton of bad luck, and he's made a ton of mistakes.

Reminder: This was the #1 ranked team coming into the season. This fantasy life is wild.

This might be one of the toughest games to pick so far this season. It's even tough to pick who I want to win. Gary falling to 3-3 would be hilarious, but Barker falling to 2-4 helps me in the division. Both Brady and Smith should have good games, but an edge to Brady. Lamar Miller can't have two good games in a row, and even though I'm flexing Kamara in my other league, I'm skeptical about the classic rookie-second-string-RB-whose-had-one-good-game-so-far-that-happened-to-be-last-week. But I like Duke, who is now Cleveland's best RB ahead of Cr๐Ÿ˜žwell, and I like Freeman against Miami.

Julio and Keenan have good matchups, whereas TY is on the road, and Sanders might get Janoris Jenkins at times. Barker has a DST edge, but Matt Bryant is questionable and he cannot afford another kicker this week without dropping a name brand player like Demaryius.

Man, close one. Definitely coming down to TY on Monday night as we're all watching. But TY will not get in the end zone, wasting a huge game from Brady.

THE PICK: RM 81 - TNR 79


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (3-2) vs. WTTK? (2-3)
Cam looked baaaaaaaad last night. It didn't even matter that he was throwing into triple coverage because he was so inaccurate that he missed all four guys by 10 yards. It was so bad that I was waiting for Romo to explain how a coach will call plays for a comeback when a QB can't hit his receivers.

It helps that franchise players can now be 1/Xed, but even with his salary at $0.74, I can't see anybody offering more than a 5th rounder for such a bad QB. Maaaaaaybe Brian Barker, who needs to prioritize cheap over good right now.

The problem is that Brian Williams, as you know, is an accountant. A QB who only costs $0.74 and can be 1/X is a real asset in this league. It would physically pain him to give away such an asset, even a damaged asset, for such a pittance. Cut Cam? Please. He probably has a special script running on his AFFL league page that fires off a big, red ERROR! YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED TO MAKE THIS TRANSACTION! warning if he tries to drop Cam. Like if you try to write off 150% of your salary in TurboTax or some shit.

But!

He also has DeShaun Watson, who only costs FORTY CENTS. Now THAT is an asset! That's an asset you need to keep. Problem is, all of Bri's contract slots are full. So he needs to do something in order to keep DeShaun. Trade Cam for what he thinks is not enough, go against the entirety of his being and cut Cam, or go against part of his being and cut "starting" running back Isaiah Cr๐Ÿ˜ขwell, eating $0.62 or so in cap space for nothing.

Quite a pickle.

Anyway, DeShaun should be great again this week, but Cousins should be even better against that Niners defense. Crowell and Ajayi will do nothing, and Gurley could be limited by a Jacksonville selling out to stop the run like they did against the Steelers last week.

Then again, outside of Cousins and maybe Abdullah, McCamey is rolling out a whole lot of nothing this week. Jordan Reed could have 20 points or 2 concussions, Derrick Henry is getting 10 carries, John Brown is all or nothing, and the Dolphins defense? Really? Going into Atlanta? Okay.

Bri gets away with one here.

THE PICK: TKSMB 73 - WTTK? 66


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (2-3) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (3-2)
I mentioned that I essentially have 3 first round picks next year, but Larry goes into 2018 with David Johnson, Dalvin Cook, Mike Evans, and a potential lottery pick. Not too shabby. Hopefully the wait is worth it because there is no point in talking about this matchup or the rest of Larry's 2017.

THE PICK: AH 69 - TWR 50


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (2-3) vs. THE NIGHT BOYS (3-2)
Barker is starting Kevin Hogan this week, which is fitting because he is turning into the Cleveland of the AFFL. This team dedicates itself to the musical memory of Doo Doo Brown.




Scott lost the first 3, will win the next 3, and here we stand.

THE PICK: TDHAF 85 - TNB 49


SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTER (3-2) vs. LITTLE BABY JESUS (3-2)
Semi is only paying $0.90 for Peterson for the rest of the season. That's a $1.61 discount from his Week 1 contract price. That has to be the biggest in-season price cut on any player in league history. You could fill out an entire roster of players who don't cost $1.61. Bri has TWO quarterbacks that don't add up to $1.61.

As for Semi's other players, Rodgers always gets by against Minny, but Xavier Rhodes will shut down a gimpy Jordy. Tyreek had a hamstring problem this week, but if he's healthy, the Steelers don't have anybody that can come close to covering him. Lynch is cooked, but Hogan should put up at least 16 against the Jets.

Jordan Howard is really good. Watching him last Monday, he is really something. He's on a bad team and $1.92 is way too expensive, but he's very good.

Speaking on MNF, what is with this new trend in which a team will play a prime time in consecutive weeks or 2 out of 3 weeks? Why are we driving this team so hard? Why in the hell are the Bears and Colts taking up 4 prime time games in the first 6 weeks?

Anyway, Brees can light up the Lions, and Hunt will destroy the Steelers. Hopkins will be nice against Cleveland, but Rishard Matthews can't do anything with Cassel throwing to him. I'd put Ingram in there instead. If Tim plays Ingram, he'll win.

THE PICK: SS 82 - LBJ 77