Friday, December 22, 2017

AFFL Bowl Preview

SEASON: 50-21

Hey, amemmer a few weeks ago when I realized I would've been 10-3 with a bye secured if I had just patiently held my team together? Well, last week with Hyde scoring 3.9, and Thielen and Green each scoring 3, I would've lost my first playoff game with about 65 points. And that's assuming I still would've picked up and started Dion Lewis.

So instead of once again suffering the annual slings and arrows of outrageous playoff fortunes, I traded my players away early and, by opposing, ended them.

Not only that, since you are also so obsessed with playoff performance, I think it can be said that landing two 1st round picks and a 2nd for three guys who combined to score 9.9 points in the semi-final round is some of the best general managing this league has ever seen.

Thank you. I accept your compliments.

I do really hope I win the NIT this week, though.

Now let's find who will be 2017's most fantastic man.

We already talked about how lucky Gary was to have one of his worst weeks during his bye. Last week, he was lucky enough to face Chris, who was running on fumes at that point. Wentz was hurt, and if Zeke just sucked it up instead of burning four appeals, he would've been active by last week, not this week. Chris' kicker scored 0.

The luck continues this week with AB being knocked out of the lineup.

I am fine with either Scott or Gary winning this week. Seriously. They've both been there since the beginning, they try every year, and they make things fun. I prefer Gary's "Kill The Rich" policies over Scott's "Blame Black People For The Problems Thrust Upon Them" policies. Though I don't know where either one of them stand on Selma-killing policies.

From a comedy perspective, picturing Gary being told "You're ruining Christmas!" because he's screaming about a Zach Ertz touchdown that gives Scott the title is pretty good.

Let's go ahead and give this one a full positional breakdown, shall we?

Although the Texans were completed shredded by Bort Blakles last week, we're talking about Road Ben with no AB here. Plus a game the Steelers should win on the road is a problem in the Tomlin era, plus the emotional letdown from last week, plus the pressure from Jacksonville winning on Sunday and getting closer to stealing a bye, plus Martavis definitely dropping at least one long TD pass.

On the other side, the Bills did hold Brady down a couple of weeks ago, but this one is back in Foxboro. He'll get at least 2 TDs. Separately, 5 titles takes the sting out of anything, but the potential that Brady's NE career ends over a dispute involving his quack trainer plus Jimmy GQ becoming the next superstar QB in San Francisco is a really pleasurable thought.

Slight edge to Gary

McCoy is hurt and Fournette is hurt and the Niner rush defense isn't terrible. Melvin Gordon should have a nice matchup against the Jets, but it's the West Coast team flying east for a 1pm start, which is always a problem. Very likely the Chargers come out flat and need to throw in the second half to catch up. That hurts Gordon.

Latavius Murray is absolutely getting one goal line TD this week, if not two. Kamara and Freeman will run wild in what should be a shootout. (PS, ATL has given up the most receiving yards to RBs this year. Kamara is good at receiving yards.) Carlos Hyde, who cost Gary a first round pick, is on the bench.

Significant edge to Gary

Dez vs. Robert Woods and Jarvis Landry. Oof. I wouldn't want to count on any of these guys in a title game. Also, my 2015 theory that superstar WRs and replacement RBs was the way to go was already dissolving because so many good backs were coming into the league, but this WR lineup in the title game officially puts it to rest.


Scott is the only one starting a tight end, so I guess he wins?

Default edge to Scott



Oh, interesting, the two defenses from the thrilling Detroit v Cincinnati tilt here. Well, the Bengals have given up completely and their coach has maybe quit or is maybe moving into the front office or is maybe staying on board. They've scored 14 total points the last two weeks. A late pick 6 is very much in play for Detroit.

On the other side, most of Cincy's DST is bad or hurt. They've given up like 60+ points the last two weeks and have scored a total of -1 fantasy point the last two weeks. The Lions very much need this game and will come out hot.

Significant edge to Scott

So there you have it. Gary will go to bed happy on Saturday night because Murray scored like 15 points, Scott won't get within shouting distance on Christmas Eve, and the Christmas night games will just be a formality. Although Gary will somehow talk himself into the possibility of Ben and Ertz combining for 45 more points than Elliott scores, leading to loose and squeaky stress poops while everybody else is eating ham.

The season that began with Gary stressing out over the draft freezing ends with Gary stressing out over a meaningless game, with a lot of Gary stressing out sandwiches in between.

Me, I was figuratively laying in a hammock all season. I really recommend selling off your players after Week 4 for peace of mind.


Friday, December 15, 2017

AFFL Semi-Final Preview

SEASON: 49-20

This final four has everything from A to B. Three Alberts and one Barker. I thought about ranking the potential champs from least objectionable to most, but every time I came up with a list I realized that, honestly, you could just as easily reverse the list. Simply awful all around. Maybe this is why the steam is leaking from the league. There's never a champion to be happy for, just ones you tolerate.

Also, just to clarify my point about last week since I always have to clarify points for you chucklehead. The issue isn't whether or Gary is good this year, it's that it's so unbelievably lucky that he tanked last week when he had the bye, a bye he just barely earned.

So my point is, as always, that focusing on each year's champ is appealing to simple minds, but a better measure of who's actually good year after year. And yeah, the multiple times I've done that tally I'm in the top third of the league, but not the top. I can't catch Scott, Chris, and Brian Williams.

I'm sure the money is nice, but who wins in a given year is overrated.

With that said, let's find out who might win this year.

The Pats shut down Ben last year and are certain to bracket AB this weekend. Fournette is likely to sit out this game with a quad problem. Dez Bryant has the speed of a tight end.

On the other side, I saw a stat that since 2014, Julio Jones AVERAGES 27 points against the Bucs. Josh Gordon gets the same Raven secondary that handed 217 yards to AB last week, Keenan Allen gets a Chief secondary that's falling apart, and Alshon gets a Giants team that's quit.

By the first quarter on Monday night, Julio will have sealed this win.


Here's something for Gary to think about

I don't think he'll bomb this week against the Steelers, but next week? When he faces the Bills again? The team that held him to 6.6 fantasy points in Week 13 before he scored 7.7 against the Dolphins?

Now look, I am very much hoping that Carlos Hyde only puts 4 points this week and Gary loses by like 8, meaning the difference between Hyde and guy-worth-a-1st-rounder-in-a-trade-before-he-got-cut CJ Anderson decides this game, but that doesn't seem very likely.

Oh hey, I just realized that 3 of my Week 1 players are in this game. It remains to be seen if Green, Thielen, and Hyde still carry my playoff hex in their DNA.

Anyway, there's no need to keep talking about this one. Brady, Kamara, and Freeman are just going to be too much. Like Julio, Freeman is going to clinch this one early Monday and then just pad the lead.

THE PICK: TNR 90 - AT 80

Monday, December 11, 2017

AFFL Wild Card Review

Scott and I were so, so, so close to solving America's racial issues on Sunday, but in the end we unfortunately came up short. Whether failure in this country is individual or structural or what combination thereof still remains to be determined.

Though the role model claims are certainly fascinating to me. Because during the Presidential election and in the months after we were shown profile after profile of white Americans who were failing by typical standards. Poor, addicted to drugs, higher divorce rates, less education, creating shorter life expectancies than any other demographic in the industrial world. Who was telling them it was okay to live this way?!

I hope to soon learn what terrible role models these poor whites in Appalachia and the rural South are taking their cues from. Hopefully not athletes. Maybe their only role models are Violent J, Shaggy 2 Dope, their fellow Juggalos, and Vince McMahon. Why can't they find better role models like...I don't know...activist hedge fund manager Bill Ackman?

Maybe it's simpler. Maybe the first half of the 20th century was dedicated to organizing minorities into certain areas and actively quarantining them, and then the second half was dedicated to diffusing whites out into the rural hinterlands and passively forgetting about them.

Either way, I am sure we will get to the bottom of this in our fantasy football league!

Here's a song for those who have fallen into the Cumberland Gap.

I was wrong. Kenyan Drake is actually pretty good. I don't know how much credit Chris deserves for just blindly picking up a running back after Miami traded the other guy, but I do know that I'm looking forward to drafting Drake next year with Chris' former 1st round pick. Drake is 2018's Jordan Howard, who was 2017's David Johnson, who was 2016's CJ Anderson, who was 2015's Andre Ellington, who was 2014's CJ Spiller.

*Reminder that Semi drafted Ellington two spots ahead of where Bri landed AB.

Bri put up his 4th-worst score of the year and now sees himself out of the playoffs once again. He technically played the wrong QB for a final time, though Cam only outscored Alex Smith by 4 points. Gurley had a huge game, but Ajayi did nothing even though Philly scored 43. He technically made the right choice on defense, since the Steelers had -2 and the Ravens had -2.5

By the way, it looked like Travis Kelce scored a TD, but was ruled down inside the 1 on replay. Conversely, Adam Thielen caught a 10-yard pass and then avoided 3 Panthers over the next 42 yards to score a TD with only 5 minutes left in the game. -6 for Kelce by inches and +11.2 for Thielen by inches and there you have it.

Chris gets to move on, but Jacoby Brissett is now his QB for the rest of the playoffs. FYI, Jacoby Brissett has to face Denver next week. FYI again, Wentz' ACL surgery typically has a 9-12 month recovery period, so he might miss next year, too. At least Wentz was kind enough to put 25 points before leaving for the season. Chris made the right choice to bench Robby Anderson after his hot streak, though Murray and Green just barely outdid Anderson's 2.7.

Gary is extremely lucky he got a bye this week, because he only scored 50.4 points. What an amazing bit of strategy on his part to not play in the week when Kamara gets hurt and Brady struggles in Miami.

In all seriousness, this is exactly why earning the byes are so important. It's one less chance for bad luck to bite you in the ass.

Bri scores 50 points in Week 12, so he doesn't get a bye and ends up losing in the first round. Gary scores 50 points in Week 14 and he's 1 win from the title game. Clearly Gary is much better at fantasy football than Bri because he has a better sense of timing.

Scott might be right that this was one of the best games in AFFL history, but this is so ridiculously unlucky for Tim. It really makes absolutely no sense that he's knocked out of the playoffs even though he outscored a team that "won" by 40. What does this measure except luck?

Credit to Scott for sure, though, for putting up 130 this week. Here are some wild stats for ya. Ben is the only QB with 3 different 500-yard passing games in NFL history. The 223 yards he threw for in THE FOURTH QUARTER would be the 5th-most passing yards allowed in a 2017 game by the Ravens by itself.

McCoy somehow managed to run for 156 yards in 3 feet of snow. Dez shook one shitty arm tackle and ran 50 yards for a TD. Sure, he was as fast as a tight end getting there, but he still got there. The only offensive player who didn't post a TD for Scott was AB, who had 213 yards.

Howard, Hunt, and Hopkins combined for 74 points and Tim still lost. Unbelievable.

I'll still write a preview this week, but could it be more obvious that Scott emptied the tank this week and when Belichick quadruple covers AB, that Barker will beat Scott 70-62 while Gary loses to Chris 101-100?

Friday, December 8, 2017

AFFL Wild Card Preview

SEASON: 49-18

What an incredible season of picks. 73% correct! Amazing!

I think next year I might start a side pool for us all to pick games and we'll kick in like $10 a piece, winner take all. Of course, only 2 of you will respond to that idea because half of the league are miserable lumps looking for the first excuse to drop their team.

Listen, you don't need an excuse. Just go. We can get by with 10 teams. Hell, having a couple of seasons of an 8-team turbo league where the scores are 150-140 would be fun. This league is so goddamn dull. If you can't be the change the world needs, then go.


Nice luck for Gary that he had a bye the week Kamara finally didn't score a ton of points. Being smashed in the temple on the first drive will do that to a guy. Truly, the angels are on Gary's shoulders this season.

May the four teams actually playing this week find the strength to keep Satan away from their rosters.

The most beloved owner in the league versus...Chris. It's like the Rooneys against Jerry Jones. Bri is starting Alex Smith, which means Cam will have 25 points this week. On the other hand, each Kelce reception is double points, though scoring 2 TDs in the first quarter will be hard to repeat this week. Crabtree is in great shape with Cooper out and Marcus Peters suspended, but it's hard to have faith in Demaryius with this whole Denver situation. That situation being their 2017 season.

Chris is going 4 wide this week, although Robby Anderson is dealing with a hamstring tweak and Chris Harris, Jr. on Sunday, so he should be held in check. Funchess is dealing with a shoulder injury and AJ Green is dealing with Andy Dalton's existence, so Thielen will need to carry the group here. I do not foresee Kenyan Drake having a second big week in a row, but crazy things have happened to the Pats in prime time in Miami before.

These are playoff teams. There might be four good players in this entire game.


Fitting that Tim will have to get past the team with the most insulting name in the league in order to truly make this the Year of Tim. It's like how the Steelers will need to beat the Pats twice to get to the Super Bowl this year. (They need home field advantage to have even a decent chance)

Speaking of the Steelers, their points are always have a governor on the throttle in prime time Baltimore games, so Ben and AB will be down. The Giants are down their best CB, but Dez is a glorified tight end, so don't expect much there. Fournette has the Seattle front 7 to deal with and the Seahawks probably will not respect Bort Blakles too much, so it'll actually become a front 9.

I say Kareem Hunt gets in the end zone for the first time in months and we turn another calendar page in the YEAR OF TIM!


Friday, December 1, 2017

AFFL Week 12 Preview

SEASON: 45-16

I'm not adding last week's picks in because I screwed up so badly. Somehow I convinced myself there were only 3 teams in each division and picked accordingly. The picks I meant to have went about .500, but who even knows what was what. I don't think I was drunk last Saturday afternoon when I rushed out the picks, but maybe it was residual effects.

Last week officially eliminated me from the playoffs, so I guess I need to sing the same song I sing to the trophy every season.

By the way, that stunning information I teased earlier this afternoon? I'm saving it for the end.

Gary punched his playoff ticket with a 2-0 Thanksgiving week, and his playoffs certainly will not end in tragedy like they did last year. He is definitely winning it all this year. For sure.

Scott has no chance at winning the division because even if he wins this game, the head-to-head tiebreaker will be 1-1 and Gary will win the division record tiebreaker. Gary could still lose the division to Tim, however, if he loses and Tim wins. And whoever wins this division gets a bye, so this game matters 66%.

Hey, remember back in September when I said Dez sucks and Barker pushed back on that saying he'd rather have Dez as a franchise player than almost anybody I had then he cut Dez and Scott picked him up in a pseudo-trade? Scott is benching Dez in this crucial game. The only separation Dez gets these days is being separated from the good WRs on rankings. Once again, if folks would listen to me the first time, I could save everybody a lot of trouble. But you guys are so determined to fight my rightness. I have no idea why.

By the way, I don't care about one Dez touchdown. Dez is basically a decent tight end who costs more than any other tight end by like 50%.

The Bills should hold down Brady a touch in a must-win home game, Hilton will do nothing against Sacksonville (#1 D SHOUT OUT!), Landry will do nothing against Denver, and Kamara is due to miss the end zone one of these weeks.

Ben and AB are on the road, which is bad. They're in Cincy, which is bad. But they're playing in prime time, which is usually amazing. Scott's backfield will keep this close through Sunday, and then a 1st quarter TD will give Scott the win.

But will Gary hang on for the division?


I ranked Brian #1 before the season and here he is with a chance to lock up the #1 seed. Funny how that works. Meyers beat McCamey, but lost every other key head-to-head matchup for playoff tiebreakers. So he needs to win and get some helpful losses.

Seattle is actually a home underdog for the first time in years and Philly has been getting their tires pumped for weeks now, so it wouldn't surprise me to see Wilson throw for 5 TDs Sunday night. Julio never has two huge games in a row, but Keenan should smoke Cleveland, and the entire Seattle secondary is hurt, so Alshon might be okay.

Meyers needs Matt Ryan to go off without throwing a TD to Julio, and he needs the Cardinals to slow down the prolific Rams. Michael Thomas needs to catch TDs out of doors.

All in all, I think it's going to seem feasible come Monday. Meyers will be down something like...20, and it'll be possible that Bell can make up the difference. But he won't.

THE PICK: RM 92 - AH 88

Mannnnnnnn, did Bri blow it last week. 50 points? If you're going to come at me saying this season isn't fluky and the good teams are scoring as much as ever and you're one of the good teams and you put up a fluky 50 in the crucial double week? Mannnnnnnnnn. Again, why do you all have such a problem with me being right? Just let it wash over you. It's comfortable. It's easy.

Anyway, Bri can still make the playoffs with a loss if Meyers and McCamey both lose, but a win clinches his spot. With Gary losing, Tim can clinch a bye with a win, so we got a big one here, folks!

Bri could really, really use Michael Crabtree this week, especially with Janoris Jenkins hitting IR and the Giants apparently quitting for the season, but Crab is suspended for a playground fight. Him going after Talib for snatching his chain is like Gary going after Dietrich for stepping on his new shiny white Nikes.

Sidebar for another funny Dietrich story. Jim and Missy now live in Austin along Lake Travis, and they are friends with Andy Mollenauer, who went to Penn State Beaver. We're friends with the Mollenauers through North Hills soccer. Andy has always been a big boater and the Dietrichs liked going on the boat, so when they moved from Jersey to Austin and bought a house on a lake, Jim pretty quickly bought a boat. Problem is, he never actually drove the boat before, so he had no idea what to do. So Andy had to fly down to Austin and spend a few days there showing Jim how to pilot and maintain and winterize a boat. The whole thing cracks me up. Who buys a boat first and then is like, "Okay, time to figure out how to boat!"

Tim could also use Amari this week, I guess, but he almost died last week and is out this week. Also...wait a minute. Why is Marqise Lee in Tim's starting lineup. Who is missing here?




Wow. I will admit, Andy Reid is completely screwing up the Chiefs right now because he's fallen in love with reverse bubble screens to the backup tight end, and he's only giving Hunt the ball 9 times a game, but still. This is gutsy.

You know what? It's the year of Tim! Lee scores a TD, Hunt only has 6 points, and Tim clinches a bye!

Didn't know how to drive a boat. Heh.


Barker can clinch a single lottery ball with a loss here. Remember, only one ball would be good in Gary world. On the other hand, he could potentially knock Chris out of the playoffs with a win, which would be hilarious.

Also, a Barker win here would give me an extra lottery pick thanks to the AJ trade and could potentially give me the one magic lottery ball, so my rooting interests are clear.

Of course, Barker benched Dak in favor of Bort Blakles. I don't care that he's facing Indy, he's still Bort Blakles. He's also starting two tight ends. On the other hand, Chris is starting Kenyan Drake. Does a team starting Kenyan Drake really deserve to make the playoffs? I submit that they do not.

Hey, remember when Brian Barker claimed the best receiving corn? Technically, Chris does. He has 3 different top-10 WRs. One is Thielen and one is Robby Anderson. The third is AJ.

The 4th best WR right now is Marvin Jones, who has been very hot the last 5 weeks. Again, a fluky year.

God, I can't even pretend Barker is going to win this game. And I really, really, REALLY want to.

THE PICK: AT 81 - TNB 55

McCamey can't make the playoffs with Chris winning, so who cares?


Confession time. I'm going to tell you all something that is going to make me look like a genius and an idiot at the same time. But the fact that I'm even telling you and not keeping it to myself is a sign of my unimpeachable integrity.

So...after looking at WR stats and seeing that Chris' top 10 WRs included two of my former guys, and knowing that I was extremely close to grabbing Robby Anderson in pre-season camp, I started wondering what would've happened if I didn't make any trades this season. What if I just rode it out, either because the 2018 draft wasn't that good, or I stubbornly thought my team would turn it around, or I just pouted and quit making moves.

Quick sidebar - after some pre-deadline contract maneuvers, the 2018 draft is not quite as good as I was anticipating back in September. It's still better than 2017, but it's now simply very good instead of amazing.

Anyway, I'd have 3 top 10 WRs, 1 top 10 RB, and the #1 DST by a wide margin. If I still had my Week 1 roster intact, if I was still getting those points each week, how would my team be? So I went back to look at weekly scores, then slotted in Green, Thielen, Hyde, Butker, and Cooper week by week. I didn't change any bench players, I just assumed I would've started AJ over Martavis or Hyde over Marlon Mack.

Also, this doesn't even include me giving up on Latavius Murray way too early.

If I had just held tight, my record right now would be...




I really don't even want to say it. I'm going to throw up.


I'd be 10-3 right now. I'd have a bye clinched for the 3rd time in 4 years. I'd have a shot at being the #1 seed for the 2nd time in 3 years.

Instead, I'm essentially a scientist who threw away the first concrete evidence of alien communication because I didn't trust the data.

My 2017 draft was, once again, genius. I managed to pull the #1 team out of a junkyard of a draft. I was the Chip and Joanna Gaines of this draft. I breezed right past injuries to key contract players.

But I was too clever. Too smart for my own good! So determined to get the lead on the 2018 draft that I lost all 2017 flexibility, even when I knew this was going to be a weird, flat, wide open year. And also, doubt crept in. I didn't believe I could possibly be smart enough to cobble together the best team in the league out of spare parts. But I was. I was so good this year that even I couldn't believe it.


So there it is. I'm just giving this to you, free.


Also, Brian Barker is right. This league is boring as hell any more. But I need to save that discussion for next week.

Friday, November 17, 2017

AFFL Week 11 Preview

SEASON: 45-16

45 and 16! I am positive that you all do not appreciate how impressive that is. It's the only thing I've done right this year.

Actually, I've also done an excellent job of delivering terrific music and video content this season and it stills irks me that Gary is just categorically closed off to any new experiences. Who wants to live like that? To get Gary to finally understand what he's been missing out on all season, allow me to present a brand new song that is one of the greatest things I've ever heard.

Amazing. Neal McCoy has really given me a lot of think about.

But hey, music is subjective. I get that. But who would go out of their way to not have chuckles at the end of the week? Who would not enjoy watching some Scottish guys yell at their friend because he got hit by a bus?


I could laugh at that 10 times in a row. And look at me! I love life! Maybe Gary wouldn't be so tense all the time if he rocked some more chuckles.

Anyway, there's a lot to cover this week and very little of it is actually about the games, so find a comfortable chair.

Oh wait. First, remember a couple of weeks ago when I wasted my time trying to turn you guys onto black Twitter and said Anthony Adams was a good starting point? Guess who is getting a new TV show? Correct, former Nittany Lion Anthony Adams.

Seriously, Larry will tell you. I am always head of the curve. I can keep you guys cool as your bodies start to break down. But I can only reach my hand out halfway.

Hey, I know I'm not very good, but Barker is starting Bort Blakles against me? AND two tight ends? Is this to win a bet? Or is this a lottery tank? Brother, if you think you can out tank me...actually. Shoot, I think I'm going to win this game. I don't want to win games! I might need to make some "strategic" lineup decisions.


Sticking with pettiness for a second, I forgot the guy who shot up a Colorado Wal-Mart when I was winning the slaughter battle 2-1. Now with this maniac in Northern California this week, it's actually 4-1 domestic violence white guys over ISIS in the past 6 weeks. I'm running away with this argument!

PS, thanks to a quick-thinking teacher and lockdown drills, by like one minute we avoided having like 45 kids slaughtered at their school. It barely made the news.

But yeah, ISIS. Oooooooooh! ISIS GONNA GETCHA! The only time ISIS threatened you guys is when I was the #1 team in the league two straight years.

While we're talking about Gary's bad takes, what the hell is the deal with O.J. Howard this season? Gary drafted "the next Gronk," cut him twice before the season even had a crust on it, signed him to a 2-year deal in Week 8 and then cut him again before the freeze. Occasionally I wonder if Gary knows what he's doing.

Also, I somehow missed Luck being cut (maybe didn't scroll down in the email), but Devonta Freeman is rewarding Gary for his new franchise spot by missing this week's game with a concussion.

Speaking of weird decisions, Semi put Chris Carson on IR early this year and cut Jordy Nelson at the freeze, but he didn't give Carson a contract. Will Fuller and Corey Davis got contracts instead. Semi will head into 2018 with an All-Pro(tential) WR corps between Fuller, Davis, and Tyreek. If you're curious how locking up a bunch of young, potentially great receivers goes, just ask me.

I really want Gary to miss the playoffs this year so I end up with 2 lottery picks, so I'll pick him to lose this game.


McCamey heads into 2018 with Derrick Henry and Joe Mixon, two young guys who are supposed to be great but haven't been great enough to take the starting jobs. He also has Larry's first two picks, which will be fun to watch.

Tim made an early decision to sign Jordan Howard, didn't move Kelvin Benjamin so he loses DeAndre Hopkins this summer, and he kept Jared Goff, all of which prevented him from signing Mark Ingram during a career year. Sure, this late in the year, extending Ingram would've jacked up his price to something crazy like $1.92. Which, uh, is what he's currently paying for Jordan Howard.

But this is the Year Of Tim, so I am not going to question it.

I tell you what, though. If McCamey gets somebody in the starting lineup to replace Bilal Powell's bye, Monday night's Richardson vs. Coleman matchup is going to be a lot more interesting than you might expect.


Brian signed Josh Gordon to a a 3-year what the hell contract, which is exactly what I was thinking about doing myself. I just got tired of ending up with bust contracts on my balance sheet. 

Also, look at Brian's roster sheet. Look at how many players he ran through! Usually it's only Chris who touches 20+ players a year. This year, only Meyers and Brian Williams avoided going through players like they were chips, and that's because Bri runs both of those teams. Anecdotal to be sure, but more evidence that this was a weird year. Everybody changing their minds on who they wanted every week.

THE PICK: RM 75 - TWR 60

I'm great at picking games each week, but even you dum dums can figure this one out. Which is fine, because this matchup provides a lot of tangential subjects.

First, I enjoyed Madden view for last night's game, but having the mic close enough to hear an o-lineman yell out "Got 'em!" when the Titans jumped offside before the first TD was outstanding. Any sports league could increase viewership 1000% with full, uncensored field-level audio. I also enjoyed how clearly that view showed that Demarco Murray has terrible vision. God, he sucks. And he just never goes away.

Second, I loved that ESPN article today about Jerry Jones going after Gooddell, and then I loved it even more when video of Jones denigrating black people somehow magically leaked this afternoon. Amazing how that happens sometimes. I still think Roger Gooddell is a genuinely dumb guy, unable to anticipate or understand contrarian thoughts, but somebody at least taught him revenge.

As for roster talk, Scott gave Zach Ertz a contract and did a good job moving guys around so he could keep Fournette. But then he signed Dez for 2 years after giving up a 2nd rounder for him, which I'll call...debatable.

Chris gave Thielen a 2-yr deal after our trade. Since I am open and honest, early in the season, I was between Martavis, Thielen, and Hyde as far who would get my 2-yr deals. I did not choose wisely. None of my last four 2-yr contracts - Ware, Chris Michael, Martavis, Hyde -  will see their contracts through to the final day.

Then again, Mike Barker cut 4 different 2-yr deals just this year, so I can't be doing that bad.


Bri can't lose this game!

But seriously, folks, Bri Williams came at via email this week, which I thought was a little weird. I don't know why so many of you are also so eager to point out my shortcomings, jumping at any chance to put me down. It seems really small and I'm not sure where it comes from.

Short version was he claimed that this was actually not a bad fantasy year, I just think it is because I'm having a bad year. The top teams are scoring just as many points as they have in past years. I didn't have time to look into it at the moment, so I conceded that he was probably right. But at the same time, I told him that I had been referring to the abnormal amount of 30- and 40-point games we had seen at the lower end this season. Additionally, the draft usually doesn't match the final stats too closely, but this year had a large amount of random and fluky players having huge games while Julio posts a 7 every week.

But tonight I do have time! I also have just as much pettiness as I ever did. So I went back and looked at 2013-2017, comparing the average PPG of the top three teams and the bottom three teams.

YEAR           TOP 3 PPG                BOTTOM 3 PPG
2017               87/89/90                     58/64/66
2016               92/93/94                     68/72/73
2015               88/91/92                     58/70/75
2014               90/92/102                   69/74/77
2013               92/93/95                     70/71/71

Clearly I am right and Bri is wrong because points are indeed down this season. Now, true, at the top end it's only a 6% decline from the best season. But at the bottom end, scoring is down 15%. So somehow I'm right twice in the same point.

But further, I'd say the craziest name in last year's Top 10 WR scoring was Davante Adams. This year, Adam Thielen, Tyreek Hill, Robby Anderson, JuJu, and Robert Woods are all in the top 10. Last year's surprise Top 10 RB was Jordan Howard, a rookie. This year's Top 10 right now has 3 rookies, Hunt, Kamara, and Fournette, plus Chris Thompson. The SAINTS actually have TWO Top 10 RBs right now.

So yes, this is a wild, unpredictable year, and the worst teams in the league are worse than normal, making it a boring year as well. When nothing makes sense, it only makes sense that a guy who was top 3 in PGG in both 2014 and 2015 (me) has lost this year.

A point to Bri, though, is that the 2018 first round is not going to be nearly as deep as I originally anticipated thanks to some crafty contract moves at the deadline. My team still wasn't going anywhere this year, but all of the picks I've landed aren't going to be as valuable as I had hoped.

Bri cut Crowell, like we all knew he had to, and kept DeShaun. So next year we'll all be treated to emails like "You can have Cam for a 1st round pick, or DeShaun for your next nine 1st rounders. You know it's worth it! They're so cheap!"

He also kept 2 defenses after the freeze, which...okay?

I was initially skeptical about Meyers (more like...BRYERS!) giving JuJu a 2-yr deal, but then I saw he was a Top 10 WR so far. Man! Weird year.


Saturday, November 11, 2017

AFFL Week 10 Preview

SEASON: 39-15

I don't want to get off (start off?) on a tangent here, but the start of last night's game was a pretty interesting scene. Not the Seahawks highlighter uniforms, which are unbearably ugly and stupid. It was the moment of silence for the victims of yet another AR-15 slaughter. That's interesting enough since they seem to be bi-weekly at this point. We might as well just leave our flags at half-mast permanently.

Side note: Did I ever mention the semi-heated discussion Gary and I after the San Bernardino shooting? He was worried about ISIS breaking into his house and teabagging his forehead while he slept, and my point of view was that he had a better chance of being killed by a white guy at South Hills Village. Well, I'm currently winning our slaughter matchup 2-1 this season. Hurrah!

Anyway, it's NFL Propaganda Month for "the troops." So there's a moment of silence for the people killed by an Air Force veteran, then Kristen Chenoweth - a vocal LGBTQ supporter and Trump opponent - sings the National Anthem while wearing an Army green Cardinals jersey. With rhinestones studding the numbers on her chest. Then we cut to the sidelines where defensive coordinators are wearing Army green hoodies with fake bars on the left breast. How do we support the troops? With 4 percent of net proceeds from a marketing venture! America!

I'm not quite sure I have the words to express how I feel about all of this. I might need...

At first, I was a little irked about Gary's loud boast (?) that he's ignoring all embedded media in the posts this year. Then I realized that when you've already discovered sonic perfection, why waste the next 27 years listening to anything new? When you're on top of Everest, the only way to go is down.

If you're wondering - and I have no idea why you would be - "More Than Words" has 93 million streams on Spotify. Not as many as some Ed Sheeran song which is over 1 billion, but it's 3 times as many as "Panama", which I think should become the new national anthem.

Seriously though, all of the music is good and all of the clips are funny. If you didn't take 20 seconds to watch Jameis eat his fingers so you could have one small chuckle in this horrible world, fine. Be miserable until you're dead. Me, I'll be chuckling at GIFs in hospice care, going out amused.

I'm not going to win this game. But I might have had more fun this year trading for picks than I've had actually competing in past seasons. It's like when I play Grand Theft Auto and have more fun doing the side missions than the actual story. Although I've landed so many picks next year - 6 in the first 2 rounds! - that there will be a lot of pressure to build a good team in 2018.

Which I'll then trade for more picks.


When Gary approached me about Hyde on Monday, he warned that if I wrote anything about it, all trade talks were immediately off. Off, he tells ya! After the deal was completed, he said I was free to tell everybody how I got the better of him. But I think it was just a regular good deal. Hyde is good, still under contract, and definitely better than anybody Gary would've taken with that pick anyway.

Anyway, this game. Did you realize that Barker has 3 Cowboys, 3 tight ends, 2 kickers, and 2 defenses? This is just a bizarre roster. And still, I'm not 100% convinced Gary will win this game. Both Dez and T.Y. might miss the game, and there's nobody great on the bench to sub in. Kamara and Thompson both face good defenses, and Hyde and Jones should be good this week, but how many times has "should" fizzled out in the past 368 days?

Freeman has been a bust, Cooks won't score against Denver...I guess the difference will be a garbage time DST TD for the Panthers on Monday night.


Not sure what's more hilarious. Chris losing Zeke and his chances at a threepeat, or Jerry Jones being willing to blow up the entire NFL because Gooddell dared to suspend one of his guys. Speaking of the NFL, we're clearly past the peak. Two years ago, both fantasy football and the NFL were at their peaks. Everybody was joining in, like the poker boom. But also like the poker boom, a bunch of people have taken stupid losses, become disillusioned and quit. The NFL is no longer inevitable.

And what about this game? Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. Jacoby Brissett? This is supposed to be fun? Semi needs this win to stay in the playoff race This is like an all-in with 4-4 against J-10 off suit.

Damien Williams, Corey Davis, and Ted Ginn? My word.

THE PICK: AT 85 - LBJ 47

Bri asked me what DeSean would cost this week, and I told him a 5th. Before he responded to me, he picked up Terrence Williams. Then he told me both Williams and Jackson are equally bad, but at least Williams was free. Very insulting stuff.

Look...I mean...look at Bri's roster this year. This roster is FUCKING TERRIBLE. And yet Bri will be 6-4 after this week.

Again, whomever wins the title should feel more shame than pride. This is a terrible, awful, trash, shit year. It'll be like the 2000 Best Album Grammy when Santana and Rob Thomas beat out the Backstreet Boys, Dixie Chicks, and TLC. Meaningless. Worthless.


Carlos Hyde would be Brian's best RB and he used a 1st round pick on Terrelle Pryor, so I don't know what he's going on about.

Here's something interesting. Evan Engram has reached double digits for 3 weeks in a row. He might be better than O.J. Howard, even. I don't like Miller to do much against the Rams stacking the box, so Barker will get nothing from his backs. Tim, on the other hand, should get some nice, nice points from Coleman, Ingram, and Howard, so let's go on ahead and just give him the win.

Two weeks in a row Tim had to face a top team for control of the #1 seed, two weeks in a row Tim comes out on top. Truly, this is the year of Tim!

THE PICK: SS 86 - RM 73

WTTK? (4-5) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (4-5)
I thought Bilal Powell looked pretty lively last week. He could be really good on the right team. That's the only good thing I can think of for McCamey this week. As hard as it is to believe, the team with Sterling Shepherd and Paul Richardson at WR is not going to win this week. Le'Veon Bell might win this game by himself.


Tuesday, November 7, 2017

AFFL Week 9 Review

I don't know if it was because I finally got to watch some football this weekend or just a coincidence, but like 4 really funny things happened in games this weekend. Chief among these funny things was Tyreek Hill's TD that ended the first half. Too short to be a Hail Mary pass, it was more like a Peace Be With You. A 40-yard jog and then he turned into a...

WAIT. The Terror Division? Somebody actually took up Gary on this dumbass division naming idea and THAT'S what they came up with? Jesus Christ.

Yeah, I won but my team just cannot get above 80. It's the Ford Tempo of fantasy teams. If my team was better, I'd take more credit for my Brissett and Watkins pickups combining for 30 points, giving me the win, but who cares?

Let's just talk trades.

Hyde is gone in a fun deal, but I still have the 9th-best kicker. Doesn't sound like much, except he's played 3 fewer games than everybody ahead of him and only costs $1. Only a buck for the best PPG kicker in the league!

Thielen has the 2nd most receiving yards. Watkins was wide open deep last week for an easy TD, Desean is facing the terrible Jets secondary this week with Mike Evans suspended, and Devontae Booker led the Broncos is carries this week.

But the trade target everybody is sleeping on is...the Jaguars. Yeah, I limited my potential trade partners when I franchised them, but they are the 7th cheapest DST in the league. By the way, they're #1 in points. In fact, relative to position, they are the best value in the entire league. The gap from #1 QB to #2 QB? 6 points. #1 RB to #2? 8 points. The gap from the Jags to the #2 DST? 16 points.

Great trade target for a few key competitive teams out there.

T.Y. Hilton has two 20+ point games this year. He also has 2 games with under 2 points. Going further, he has an 18 point game, and then every other week is single digits. He is like sweetened, condensed A.J. Green and he is absolutely going to cost Gary a playoff game.

Alvin Kamara, who is probably Gary's first really good find since Devonta Freeman, went off for 26.2 points. He and Freeman combined for 32 points. C.J. Anderson had 1.3 and Will Fuller's TD streak did, in fact, come to an end. Way down on the bench, The Next Gronk(tm) had -0.4 points. 1 catch on the day, which he fumbled. He actually wasn't the worst Razor, since the Bengals posted a -0.5.

On the happy side, Matt Stafford threw 2 TDs last and neither one was to Golden Tate, so Gary was able to salt away this win.

Back on the sad side, while we're talking QBs, Jim Irsay came out and said all of Andrew Luck's problems are "mental." So Jim Irsay had a generational QB fall into his lap to replace the last generational QB that he had, then proceeded to give him a terrible GM, a terrible coach, no offensive line, and now that he can't throw because his shoulder is fucked up, essentially said it's all in his head. That should all go well in 2018.

I said Semi would only score 54 this week, so this was not a particularly good pick. Bri luck took a brief break this week, as he would've won if he started Tyrod over Cam, or if he started Ajayi over Crabtree. He was also unlucky in that Damien Williams of all people scored a TD, and Marshawn Lynch had his best game of the year with 2 TDs.

Oh, plus that Tyreek Hill TD, which absolutely should've been stopped.

Going back to that Raiders game for a second, when Marshall Newhouse scooped up that Carr fumble and turned the corner, I thought for sure he had open field in front of him and was going to run 17 yards for the first down.


Former Bears OL Anthony Adams, who is great on Twitter and a great entry way into the wild and wonderful world of Black Twitter, helpfully put some miked up audio over this heroic run.

It's really just the little things for me any more. That's all I need.

I did predict 48 points for Scott this week, so that was good. Problem is, McCamey beat expectations by 22.

Bri, I know you scored 92 points and could've stayed in the race for the #1 seed, but you lost. McCamey won, though. Got himself back in the playoff race and everything.

Chris, I know you scored 75 points and could've taken the lead for the #1 seed, but you lost. McCamey won, though. Got himself back in the playoff race and everything.

Mike Barker, I know scored 68 points and could've stayed alive in the playoff race, but you lost. McCamey won, though. Got himself back in the playoff race and everything.

Meyers, I know you don't read this so I'll stop here.

What a roller coaster ride this season has been for Scott. Loses 4 to start, wins the next 4, benches Matt Forte's 21.6 points on Thursday night, finds out Sunday that Fournette is being suspended for 1 game for breaking team rules, has literally no other active players on his roster this week, eats the 0 and loses an important game by 7.

Also, when he picked up Trent Taylor, I thought maybe he still plays Madden on Xbox and that somehow accidentally emailed us a fake player he picked up in year 2031 franchise mode. But no, Trent Taylor is real! And he's white! And Scott picked him up on purpose!


You know how far down you have to scroll to find Trent Taylor? Even with a name search! There are like 10 Taylors in the league! You have to really want Trent Taylor in order to pick him up.

Who the hell wants Trent Taylor?


Speaking of bizarre, do you think Scott cut Jameis because he found out he gives the worst pregame speeches?

He wants. To Eat. The W.

I got this text Saturday evening:

Obviously it was my number. But what if it wasn't? What does a person do with a random text that starts off like that? Definitely only can end in tears or sex. Maybe both.

But we were both right, the AFFL is boring as hell this year. Absolutely nothing is happening. I don't know if it's because McCamey's August moves were so bad that everybody was thrown off for a full season, or because nobody yet is truly a contender or a tanker, but I hope the Hyde trade gets things unclogged a bit.

Anyway, Chris lost because the Jets totally shut down Shady. I missed this during the game, but apparently the Jets were feeling quite festive during a TV timeout. And since memes are the backbone of the new media economy, people starting laying music over the whole thing.

Stick around to at least 0:51.

I don't know who #33 is, but he is my new favorite Jets player in history, beating out...uh...I guess he's the first one I've liked.

Word in legal circles is that an absolute and final decision on Zeke should be delivered by Friday, and if he suspension is upheld, he's out of appeals to turn to. I hope so. Partially because I want to see Chris' season ruined (The prospect of having 2 lottery picks is very arousing) and partially because I just want it over with.

Tim won this game thanks to an all-around balanced effort, including 11 points from that effervescent Jets defense. The only downside is that Kareem Hunt's points go down every single week because he's getting the Andy Reid treatment. Reid has never known how to use a back properly, and every trick flip play that works just gets him more and more excited about shenanigans. Hunt had 28 yards on his first 3 carries, then finished the game with 9 total carries. A game the Chiefs lost, incidentally. Shameful.

Tim also won in part because DeAndre Hopkins caught the first TD pass of Tom Savage's career. Pitt is it!

So yes, once again Mike Barker has the most Points Against and the worst record as we near the deadline. It's becoming an annual rite of passage.

This game would've been a lot funnier if Brian lost because Julio Jones dropped a 40-yard TD that hit him in the hands, but Adrian Peterson took care of that. All Marvin Jones did was run up the score.

Terror Division. Goddamn. Pathetic.

Friday, November 3, 2017

AFFL Week 9 Preview

SEASON: 35-13

The two most admired, beloved, and respected owners in the league, Tim and Chris, face off for the inside track for the #1 seed. Yes, I dumped both of these teams into the Bad bucket in the Season Preview. Tickets are going fast for this thrilling matchup!

On the other hand, plenty of great seats are still available to watch Larry and me "battle" for last place. Yes, I gently placed both of these teams into the Good bucket in the Season Preview.

It would make sense for both of us to not even bother replacing our players on bye (or Brett Hundley) and just have a flat out tank off for the #1 overall pick. But, insanely, I'm only 2.5 games back for the 6th playoff spot with 6 games left. Larry is only 1.5 games out. Put that shovel down! We're not dead yet!

Actually, this gives me an idea for a(n) hilarious rule proposal for 2018.

If two teams in the bottom three (alt: eliminated from the playoffs) face each other after the roster freeze (alt: pick a week), the respective owners have to pick their opponent's starting lineup for that week. Opponents will send their lineup decisions to the Commissioner, who will set lineups prior to the opening kickoff.

This will prevent any gentlemen's agreements in which both teams tank the game, and also creates a fun Prisoner's Dilemma in which owners have to blindly decide which direction to go.

Anyway, because I am positively overflowing with integrity, I am going to try this week. Even though my proposed Marvin Jones pickup got cut off in traffic. I'm not thrilled to have Sammy Watkins back, but he was the best of a bad batch of available ballers.

As for this matchup, it features both Colts running backs, both starting Bucs receivers, and if Larry has the balls to start Cooper Kupp, both starting Rams receivers. It's a doozy. Win or lose, I just hope that Devontae Booker plays well enough that I can trade him to Gary.


When Gary was shopping Luck before the season started, I offered an 8th round pick for him. Gary, shockingly, scoffed. But I pointed out that I was the one taking the risk as there was no guarantee that Luck would play at all this season. Gary passed. So he could've had an extra 8th rounder and a wide open franchise slot for Devonta, but instead...

Not only that, the Falcons offense is a shambles, so it might not even be worth keeping Devonta. I guess he could franchise OJ Howard, who I am told is the next Gronk.

Also, not that it matters much, Pierre Garcon was also sent to the IR this week. CJ Anderson, who was once worth a 1st round pick in a trade in Gary's mind, has been sent to the bench in favor of John Brown, who is catching passes Stanton? Speaking of, Will Fuller's totally unsustainable touchdown ratio will definitely not be sustained with Tom Savage at QB.

There are a lot of commonalities in this matchup. Three players from ATLvCAR, three from ARIvSF, two from NOvTB, Gary has two from HOUvIND, and both Meyers and Gary have a Lion playing Monday night.

Every player in this matchup is perfectly average, hence the identical .500 records of these two teams. Somebody has to make a difference, and if forced to choose, I guess I would pick Alvin Kamara over Eddie Lacy. But this game is going to be close enough that it will be fun knowing that Gary is sweating out every Stafford pass towards Golden Tate.

THE PICK: TNR 71 - AH 68

You're traditionally supposed to wait at least 10-12 weeks before announcing a pregnancy. This is NFL/AFFL Week 9, but considering how damn early we had our draft, it is possible that Semi was so excited to draft Tyreek Hill that he went home and ejaculated inside somebody to celebrate. I mean...we can't rule it out. Really redefined the phrase "breaking free in the open field."

Bri didn't manage to trade Deshaun Watson before his injury bomb struck. I guess with the new players, Bri isn't sure exactly when he has to trade them so somebody else is stuck with the injury. If you're wondering, though, Bri is not going to cut Watson. In fact, he still think he's worth a 1st round pick in a trade. So if you've always wanted to trade a 1st rounder for a QB who had an ACL tear in college, another one in his rookie year, and whose recovery timetable runs up to Week 1 of 2018, here's your chance. Watson is extremely good, though, so I am sure missing his second training camp ever and then facing pocket pressure on a freshly-healed knee will not set him back at all.

Hey, has anybody seen Robert Griffin lately?

Oh, also, with Ajayi's trade to Philly, Bri now has two useless running backs tying up contract slots that he wants to use on Deshaun Watson. Between that trade and Crowell being on a bye, Bri is forced to start Ty Montgomery, who has lost his starting job.

Hilariously, Bri benched Tyrod last night and he scored 26 points. Bri has yet to start the correct QB this season, though it hasn't yet led to a loss.

All this and Bri is still going to win. He's also beating Semi in reproduction, 5-1.


I offered Scott Ben for Jameis months ago. He refused, and now we both wasted cap money cutting them. The other bizarre part is, Jameis is most likely playing this week. Even if he's dinged up, Ben is on a bye, so that leaves Scott starting DREW STANTON. Not even Bruce Arians wants to start Drew Stanton.

Gordon is on a bye, AB is on a bye, Blount is facing the Denver defense, and Demarco Murray sucks. What a mess.

On the other hand look at McCamey. He's had 3 spots play already and he only had 6.4 points. And Kirk Cousins has to play in Seattle. What a disaster.

Okay, since this game is totally useless, let me share another way to improve your life. Eat pit beef. We were outside of Baltimore two weeks ago for a cousin's wedding, so I wanted to try a pit beef place after seeing Guy Fieri eat at like 12 of them over the years. If you hadn't tried it, they basically take a big top round, put on a grill over open flames, then use a deli slicer to make your sandwich. It's like a slighty smoky roast beef sandwich. Baltimore easily defeats Pittsburgh in the battle of signature sandwiches. Try one - or three - if you're ever in the area.

Jesus Christ. Look at these two teams. This is why I still think I can make the playoffs!


Are you fucking kidding me with this Ezekial Elliott shit? This court watching is like trying to figure out if that first Muslim ban was gonna pass. This is absolutely ridiculous.

Also, let me get this straight. Jay Ajayi was running the ball decently (according to metrics types), but wasn't going anywhere because his line sucked. Then after Miami lost 40-0, Adam Gase called out his offense saying some dudes weren't even trying, and then the Dolphins traded him to Philly.

So you're telling me Kenyan Drake, who wasn't good enough to take away carries from Ajayi even though the head coach hated Ajayi so much that he literally didn't want to be within 1,000 miles of him, is going to be good behind the line Ajayi wasn't good behind?


AJ will be shut down by the franchise-level Jags, Wentz has to face Denver, and Shady couldn't even manage a field goal last night.

Deandre is in a tough spot with Savage, but otherwise things are really turning up Milhouse.

THE PICK: SS 101 - AT 65

Brother battle!

Here's fantasy football in a nutshell. If Older Barker had used his first 3 picks this year on Aaron Jones, Chris Thompson, and Alex Collins, we all would've lost our minds. Today, Thompson is the 8th-ranked RB, if you extrapolated Jones' 4 games into a full season, he'd be in the top 10, and Alex Collins has as many points as Joe Mixon or Derrick Henry.

Anyway, it's way past time for Julio Jones to catch a dang touchdown.

This is pretty bad schedule luck for The Night Boys, actually. I think they're about to have one of their classic weeks in which they score the 3rd-most points in the league but still lose.

THE PICK: RM 95 - TNB 86

If you were paying attention, you'll note that if these picks all come to pass, we'll have FIVE different teams with a 3-6 record. Catch the fever!

Monday, October 30, 2017

AFFL Week 8 Review

Another thoroughly mediocre week for my team, but another incredible week for the picks. The picks are 16-2 over the last 3 weeks. And that's not just from taking chalk. There have been some upsets mixed in there.

So there's a new hex for me. Once I gave up hope, I was granted total clarity and a vision of the future.

This week, it wasn't just the W/L picks, either. When I look at how some of my point predictions turned out, all I can think is...

Naturally, Tim started Amari after that pointspalooza last week, so naturally, Amari had 5.5 points while DeAndre Hopkins naturally had 28.4 points on the bench. Not that it mattered. Interesting factoid: the Saints are 5-2 even though Brees is on pace for his worst numbers since arriving in New Orleans. I guess them finally giving the ball to Mark Ingram helps.

This might sound crazy, but I don't think my team is bad. There have been 3 AFFL scores in the 40s this year, 2 in the 30s, and Larry posted a 25 once. Only once have I posted the worst score of the week, so with incredible schedule luck, I could be 7-1.

My guys are just aggressively mediocre. I usually score between 65-75, but I never have two guys going off in the same week. I never have that amazing game that can push me up to 90. I just have pluggers.

Forget that, let me sell you on some of my players if you're thinking trade. Everybody is available, but did you know that Carlos Hyde is top 10 RB and just got a new QB? Or that Adam Thielen has the 2nd-most receiving yards this season? He scored his 1st TD this week and if you think 5 TDs is a fair season total for him, that means he'll score 4 TDs in the next 8 weeks. Or that Dion Lewis' carries have gone up every single week? Or that Marlon Mack will be a super athletic starting RB if the Colts trade Gore this week? Or that I have 2 kickers on high-octane offenses who cost $1?

Just for the historical record, though, there were 4 defenses I could've picked up and won with this week. Carolina, Indianapolis, New England, and Atlanta. So there's that. Add it to the hex pile!

Gary got a little too deep into the Kahlua Friday night and wrote...

"a) you just want me lose, I'm not actually gong to louse, and

b) I wanted to sign Howard after I drafted him but couldn't do it. I'm not chasing points this year, I'm looking ahead to next year when Brate is gone and he's the next Gronk."

Well, he lost. 

But also...he couldn't sign Howard after the draft? So...Gary is claiming he couldn't sign Howard after drafting him in the 10th round because "reasons." He cut Howard to get his final roster down to the right size, choosing instead to keep CJ Prosise and Ted Ginn.

Of course, two days later he cut Prosise for Logan Paulsen (???), only to turn around and cut Paulsen for Wendell Smallwood the next day. Two weeks later, he dropped Smallwood and picked up Jason Witten. The next week, he picked Smallwood back up. Then he dropped Witten for Andre Ellington.

So all this time, Gary is churning players, but never brings back "the next Gronk." If he would've cut Ted Ginn before the season, he could've had "the next Gronk" on his roster for like $0.25. He picked up Logan Paulsen and Jason Witten before "the next Gronk" in a league that doesn't even require tight ends. 

Finally, OJ Howard has 1 good game so Gary drops Andre Ellington for him. 

Gronk is such a generational talent that his numbers need to be compared to wide receivers, not tight ends. Gary has the next generational talent on his roster for $0.25 and just lets him go free? And then when Paulsen, Smallwood, Witten, Smallwood again, Ellington, Ginn, and Prosise don't pan out, he never thinks to go back and claim the next generational talent? He somehow only remembered his scouting report on Howard after a 20-point game?

I dunno. Seems dubious to me.

PS, Howard had 1.6 points this week.

And I predicted this game would be 70-66. Not bad.

I predicted 74 points for WTTK? this week, which is not bad. Though, in fairness, the original CBS projection was 72 points. 

On Friday, I was all set to make an incredulous comment about Paul Richardson being in McCamey's starting lineup. Then I thought that if I did, the way things have gone for me this year, Richardson would have an incredible game. Richardson had 105 yards and 2 TDs and actually had a 3 TD called back on a penalty. So I was right. To, uh, not say anything.

The great Joe Mixon had a decent score thanks to receiving yards, but he had 11 carries for 18 yards. On one sweep, he actually tripped himself. Joe Mixon, ladies and gentlemen.

Also, McCamey won despite starting 2 tight ends on purpose.

Wait. Semi is having a kid?! I didn't even know he had someone to put a kid into.

I predicted this one would be 103-83. Not bad. 

Russ threw 4 TDs and Lamar Miller had 2 TDs, though Julio continues to disappoint. 

This is just a tough loss for Scott. He would've beaten 7 other teams this week. Melvin Gordon had an 87-yard TD run. Dallas had a defensive TD. Ertz scored yet another TD. But it came down to QBs. Brian had Russ, Scott had Jameis and his very sorry 3.3 points. He also, in a way, had Ben, who could only get AB to 7 points. This season might really be it for Ben, which makes AB a very interesting franchise player next year at like $1.91 and Josh Dobbs throwing to him. 

We all know Bri is lucky. Starting the worst of your 3 QBs but still scoring 100 points? Lucky. A what-the-hell 9th round pick on Deshaun Watson? Lucky. Leaving Watson's 30 points on the bench and not even having to worry about it? Lucky. Two defensive touchdowns? Lucky. 

None of that is even the luckiest thing that happened this week. Let's talk about Isaiah Crowell. Crowell has been utterly useless this season. Zero TDs through the first 7 weeks. An expensive contract gumming up Bri's roster. His best week was 8.6. Two different weeks under 4 points.

But Bri needed him this week because of byes. Well, maybe not needed. There were multiple free agent RBs and WRs with more points on the season than Crowell. But Bri held him for an extra 4 weeks just so he could use him this week. So of course Crowell puts up 118 yards and a touchdown.

I mean...what the fuck? How does this shit always happen for Bri?

Or fuck, how about getting to face an opponent who puts up 39.9? Only 3.9 for Dez? Only 6.3 for Dak? You guys don't have to give it Zeke EVERY time.


Zeke's temporary restraining order was knocked down tonight, so his suspension is back on. Except...the NFLPA will appeal tomorrow, so the suspension is still holding. At this rate, Chris is going to win a 3rd straight title with Zeke scoring 40 points in Week 16, then the suspension will kick in for next year, so Chris will be able to draft Zeke in the 6th round with his first pick of the 2018 draft.

It's all so stupid.

Neither of these teams started a defense this week. I'd suspect a gentlemen's agreement, but I don't think Chris or Meyers even have each other's emails. Torrey Smith played but still had a 0, so Chris had 2 positions combine for 0 points and he still put up 96. That'll happen when your backfield teams up for 70 points. That includes Jerick Goddamn McKinnon putting up another 20 points.

Unbelievably enough, Meyers started JuJu this week. Though all his 25.3 points did was make this game seem closer than it was. Only 13.1 for Le'Veon, another mediocre game for Michael Thomas, and another mediocre game for McCaffrey. McCaffrey is just a flat out bust at this point.

Friday, October 27, 2017

AFFL Week 8 Preview

SEASON: 29-13

This is the first season I've been unintentionally bad. I tanked once before, but that was essentially a garage sale to throw out all of the garbage that Chris left behind when his franchised was foreclosed on.

I'm sure you all have lots of input on where I went wrong and such, so let me just say...

Actually, I'm am enjoying the freedom from caring about fantasy football. Especially because this season is historically bizarre. There have been 6 shutouts in only 7 weeks this season. There were only 5 shutouts in the previous 32 weeks. It makes sense that my traditional smarts wouldn't work in a non-traditional season. If anything, being bad this season is more of compliment than anything else.

In that vein, I'm telling you that I'm not going to respect whoever lucks themselves into the 2017 title. It's going to be like the year Crash won Best Picture. That's one of the worst movies I've ever seen, and you're one of the worst champions I've ever seen. Whoever you are.

So all I have left to hold my interest for the next few weeks are trades, and I will hear out any offer for any player. You need a cheap backup kicker? I'm your guy! You need WR or RB depth? I'm your guy!

And oh hey by the way, I know the 49ers suck, but Carlos Hyde is currently the #9 RB overall. He's 1 point ahead of Devonta Freeman. (Through line - Kyle Shanahan called Freeman's plays last year and Hyde's this year.) Surprised more people haven't come knocking for him. Especially since he's cheap, on a 1/2 contract, and a free agent who can sign anywhere in 2018.

And it's not just my players I can trade. I'll probably have the #1 waiver spot through the freeze. I'm happy to take waiver wire request and then flip a player to you. I'll be your waiver middle man, sure. I'll even trade for one of your expensive players and cut him myself to eat the cap hit for you. For a price.

Let's see...what else is interesting about me? Well, I'm toying with the idea of signing Marlon Mack. The last time didn't I sign a super dynamic rookie back on my roster because he hadn't taken over the starting job by the roster freeze, it was David Johnson. But if I sign Mack, do I get my 2017 stink on him?

Lastly, I'm not picking up a replacement defense this week. Not because I'm quitting, but because the available defenses are so iffy there's no guarantee they won't put up negative points. It's a strategic decision.

Oh! I have one more 2017 hex for you. It was my rule suggestion to stop picking up college players and I supported it the loudest. And now I have two college players I really, really want. So that's fun.

Guess I should also talk about Tim in the preview.

Tim's gonna win this week.


One thing we have not talked about enough this season is how Gary should have David Johnson on his IR spot, except he created this rental player exemption and then closed the loophole after he got picks back. It's a little like how there is a new Trump scandal daily so we move on from the old ones except not a goddamn single interesting things has happened in this league in all of 2017, so, yeah. We should be talking about this more.

You know...teams that can pressure Brady give him fits, and Melvin Ingram and Joey Bosa have more sacks combined than most teams right now. Here's Melvin Ingram last week:

Hilton and Garcon should be limited by good defenses this week, and Devonta Freeman isn't even as good as Carlos Hyde, so Gary is going to struggle this week.

Also, Gary signed OJ Howard to a 2-year contract this week. Any time you can lock up a rookie TE who isn't yet his team's starter because he had 1 good game, you gotta do it!

Larry struggles every week, but all of his guys have pretty good matchups. Except for Frank Gore who is slowly losing his matchup with time. It's upset time, folks!


LITTLE BABY JESUS (3-4) vs. WTTK? (2-5)
Trying to improve your football knowledge this season isn't really working out, so let me try to improve your life knowledge if I can. Here's your first one. Some of the best comedy being created today is on...

Black Twitter.

What is Black Twitter? It's Twitter, but black people. Some celebs, some actual comedians, and a whole bunch of normal folks that are just unbelievably funny. It's like this whole other world. I'm already on the edge of sounding like I'm trying to gentrify something ("It's just so authentic here!"), but trust me. Outstanding comedy every single day.

Okay, I'll give just one example. Remember when Under Armour came out with Air Dad 1s?

Somebody on black Twitter started a thread asking what's the worst you've ever been roasted for your shoes? I'm on the couch next to Nikki and Abby just heaving with laughter. Crying. For 30 minutes. They ask me what I'm laughing at and I'm all (Eddie Murphy white guy voice) "They're making fun of peoples' shoes."

There were HUNDREDS. My favorite was a dude whose mom got him some knockoff Nikes. The Nike logo was upside down. A dude in school shouted that he was wearing Air Newports.

I died. I'm dead right now, in fact.


Is Jameis actually playing this week? I don't know anything about this matchup except Zach Ertz is going to score a TD.


I went to bed at halftime last night because I don't need Ryan Mallett and Matt Moore in my life. Looks like I missed pix-sixes. Those are probably going to save Bri, because Jay Ajayi is not doing much this season. This is again where fantasy football is just like poker. Drafting Ajayi in our first round is probably the right thing to do. Locking up a starting running back is probably the right thing to do. But sometimes the flop comes and it's an offensive line that can't block and then the turn card is a coach angrily saying his best offensive players need to actually try.

Here's a fun stat I saw today. Alex Collins has more rushing yards this season than Jay Ajayi on 50 fewer carries. Here's another fun thing I saw. Alex Collins on Barker's bench with 14.3 points.

In other news, Deshaun Watson and the Texans almost walked out of practice today after they had heard own Bob McNair said "The inmates can't run the prison." during a recent players-owners meeting. Deandre Hopkins actually did walk out.

I know Boomers are super nostalgic, but I'm not sure about them bringing back You Can Be Openly Racist And Say Derogatory Things With Zero Consequences. I'm not surprised that America - the world, really - is racist. I am really surprised that within the past 3 years, all the racists all at once decided they weren't hiding any more.

And...look, I'll just say this so political thoughts don't run out on me. All these Second Amendment folks? The ones are not actually part of a well-regulated militia? The ones who say they need to arm themselves to protect themselves from a tyrannical government? First, I don't know what's more tyrannical than agents of the state summarily executing people with a shot to the back with no trial. Second, Afghanis were pretty armed. Iraqis were pretty armed. They couldn't stop drones dropping bombs from 25,000 feet. If the U.S. Government wants to "take back" rural Michigan? Guess what, Ron? You're fucked.


I...we're supposed to talk football here. But GODDAMMIT. We live in a country where 600 people can be shot in 45 minutes, we half care for two days, then stories come out about how the shooting victims can't afford their hospital bills, and NOTHING IS DONE.


Actually, I can tie this into the league somehow. A couple of years ago, Gary and I had a mini-row over email about him being terrified of ISIS being inspired by the San Bernardino shooters. I told him he had a better chance of being shot by a white guy at Robinson Town(e?) Cent(re?).

Fucking white guy shot 600 people.

The 21st century American dream is simply NOT getting fucked raw somehow by something you can't control. Great work, everyone!

Okay, enough. Let's get positive. JuJu is outstanding. Already a local treasure AND he's going to be really good. Dial 1-900-976-JUJU.

Chris overpaid for Willie Snead a few weeks ago and has yet to play him. I think. I'm not gonna go back and check. Fuck everything.

THE PICK: AT 97 - AH 67

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

AFFL Week 7 Review

My hex powers are absolutely out of control right now. I can usually focus them, but at the moment it's like a X-Men movie when Cyclops gets his glasses kicked off. The hex is just spraying everywhere. I'm getting hex all over my pants. Nothing is going right for my team, but the picks are 10-2 in the last 2 weeks and 29-13 on the season.

But the crazy hex part is, the team picks are doing well because my player previews are so bad. I say one guy will go off and he sucks and another guy will suck and he goes off and it balances out with a good game pick.

Anyway,  I went looking for hot water. I shouldn't be shocked if I got burned by it.

Honestly, it's hard to pick the best thumbnail summary of my entire season. Amari Cooper only had 5.1 points since I traded him and 20.5 points on the season, but once I said trading him was my best move of the season, he scored 33 points in a single game. And Tim didn't lose even though he benched Cooper. Which, I mean, did 10% of players start Cooper this week?

That's a good hex. But is it as good as Latavius Murray? I used #1 waiver priority to grab Murray instead of Aaron Jones. I used my second waiver pick on Jones. Murray lost the job to McKinnon in a quarter, Jones went on to steal the job from Ty Montgomery. Of course, as soon as I cut Murray for Brett Hundley, Murray went off for 18 points.

That's a good hex. But is it as good as ending Martavis Bryant's Steelers career by drafting him in the first round and giving him a 2 year contract? And I won't lie here, I went into this year's draft with the sole aim of landing Martavis. I have him in both of my leagues.

I want to keep Marlon Mack, but do I even risk it?

Anyway, I am fine with the fate of this season. I accept it. I have mocked Scott and Gary for going 2-12, but I really don't care what happens to me this season. I look at it like this. I cook a lot and I'm good at it. Pasta from scratch, fish tacos, top notch grilling, I have a smoker, I make my own bacon, I can roast a whole pig. I can get shit done in the kitchen. But one week I really wanted some veal piccata. I bought the veal, the lemon, the butter, the capers, dredged it, fried it, made the sauce, and I really fucked it up. Way too bitter, too many capers, too much sucked. 2017 is my veal piccata season. I'll bounce back.

Gary won this game with 70 points. Congrats. I'm sure he has a very good team.

Actually, we can talk about this game a little bit more to extend the hex talk. I started Brett Hundley in fuck it mode, which cost me the game. I started Martavis over DeSean because of Friday's talk that the Steelers would feed Martavis. That cost me the game. Tom Brady intentionally deflected a shotgun snap to Brandin Cooks on a sweep and they credited that as a touchdown "pass". That cost me the game.

Oh, one last hex thing. I was facing Brady and Jake Elliott in both of my leagues, so I had 2 come from ahead losses Monday night. Elliott's final field goal meant I lost my other game by 0.1 point. Also, PS, I would've won both games if I benched Martavis.

You know what? Chris was right about Tyrod Taylor a few years ago, and he was right about Carson Wentz this year. The hex is so bad in 2017 that I like Chris more than myself.

Ezekial Elliott might be the only player in the league who has been good every single week. Wait, no. Only 2.2 points in Week 2. Still, he's the most consistent player this season. Maybe Kareem Hunt make 1a and 1b.

Torrey Smith didn't see the field Monday night, Dan Bailey re-aggravated his groin injury during the game, the Chiefs posted -4.5, and AJ Green was shut down and Chris still ran away with this game. Getting 63 points from 2 running backs apparently goes a long way.

Is Zack Ertz ever going to not score a TD? I mean, it's every damn week with this guy. Jameis did play despite injury and had one of his best games of the year. Bucs still lost, though. Hard Knocks is beyond boring at this point, but one thing it's still good for is that you can learn if a head coach is any good within 5 minutes. There's just something about the CEO / leadership role that's so totally different from being a good play caller / blitz sender.

Dirk Koetter was not very impressive.

Feels like Larry did not have Orleans Darkwa and Tarik Cohen on his preseason radar, and yet here they are, starting in his backfield. Frank Gore is crotchety about these kids infringing on his Ripper turf.

You know how when your team misses the playoffs you adopt another team just to have something to root for? I'm doing that with Tim this year. All aboard the Tim Train!

Maybe I'm just a biased fan, but you can't blame Tim for not starting Cooper this week. His previous 5 games were 2.8 - 0.8 - 0.9 - 0.6 - 3.3. Scores out here looking like a dang IP address.

Kareem Hunt hasn't been as dynamic the last 4 weeks, but his lowest total is still 11 points.

Meyers was pretty close to winning this one, and it's up to him to decide if he's most upset about the Cardinals DST scoring -2.5, Gronk for not catching a TD, Christian McCaffrey for being a huge letdown, or Steve Sarkisian for ruining the Falcons offense.

This is the highest Night Boys score this season by 27 points. It may seem like it came out of nowhere, but I did predict 96 points for them this week. I still know a few things here and there.

Dak had a huge game, Aaron Jones needs to be signed to Rex Burkhead's 2-year contract slot ASAP, and Chris Thompson is the best Washington RB by far.

You know how in past season's we chuckled at Barker's horrible luck? Him all having decent scores but going 5-9 because he gave up 1000 points? So far this season he's plucked Aaron Jones from the waiver wire, got Chris Thompson to stay hot after getting picked up, and got a TD from Chris Ivory this week in an emergency start.

Alex Smith and Tyreek Hill are the new Rodgers and Jordy, it seems. Credit to Semi for having the brains and the guts to bench Jordy, but it looks like AP's triumphant return to prominence only lasted one week.

For the 2nd time this season, Derrick Henry had a dud game in a week when Murray was supposed to be hurt. The Joe Mixon breakout that every expert declared was coming never came. McCamey started Davante Adams, possibly because he didn't hear that Rodgers was hurt. Had he paired Jordan Reed with his Cousins start, he would've won.

Nelson Agholor almost outscored Julio again until Julio ripped a TD ball away from Malcolm Butler late.

My favorite thing about Terrelle Pryor this season is that his existence means that Martavis Bryant is not the worst 2017 first round pick.