Thursday, September 21, 2017

AFFL Week 3 Preview

LAST WEEK: 3-3
SEASON: 8-4

There are several reasons I don't respect anybody in this league. The hardest part about going through the reasons would be deciding to list them alphabetically or group them by type. But today, I want to focus on one reason: the total lack of inquiries about AJ Green.

Yes, AJ Green has had two below-average games so far. You all realize that because you have the recency bias of a goldfish. The #1 WR in 2016 through 10 weeks had 2 bad games! He sucks now!

But here's the thing. I've made noise for a few years about trying to move Green. The new rule allows him to be a 1/X trade. The Bengals were so bad in a game we all watched that they fired their OC and promoted Bill Lazor, who was last seen in Miami running a diet Chip Kelly offense that led the league in pass-to-run ratio. Whatever the issues with Dalton and the offensive line, Green can still catch bombs in triple coverage. His next 5 opponents are the defensive juggernauts of GB - CLE - BUF - PIT - IND. There's a better than average chance that Green goes into Week 8 as a Top 3 WR, if not #1. This is an ALL-TIME buy low opportunity.

After hinting as recently as the Week 2 Review that I was getting tired of Green, I got all of one email. It was from Gary. Now, a trade email from Gary is a headache to begin with. One that comes after he scores a lot of points and wins and is feeling good about his team for 6 days? Ugh.

"I’ve been looking at what I could offer for Green, but I just can’t justify anything.  He may be untradeable even though he clearly has value. Unless you take a straight draft pick. I mean, even Cobb for Green straight up seems like a loser based on salaries and performance so far."

The recency bias. Of. A. Goldfish.

Two fucking games and now AJ Green isn't as good as RANDALL FUCKING COBB?

Fuck outta here.

Based on salaries? JORDAN HOWARD IS MORE EXPENSIVE! 

Untradeable? Fine, I'll keep him and make the playoffs for the fifth year in a row.

I swear to whichever god you prefer, dealing with this league is like trying to explain trade policies to Trump voters. Forget all the evidence that I'm good every single year and know what I'm doing. You guys watched Thursday Night Football!

I'm losing my mind.



THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (1-1) vs. LITTLE BABY JESUS (1-1)
Mikhail Sembratovich has a problem looming. Landry, Hogan, Jordy, Corey Davis, and Jimmy Graham are all questionable. Jordy insists that he's playing last week, but he dropped out in the first quarter last week and posted a 0. Semi's already starting 3 backs, so he has no choice but to risk Jordy's 0 at the moment. He does have two defenses, but dropping one for a fill-in receiver only to pick up another defense during the bye week is a cap hit. 

Is Week 3 too early to make a fill-in trade? Is falling to 1-2 in division play when 2 other teams are certain to be 2-1 a problem? Especially if those are the 2 teams you've lost to? If you give up the division this early, can you still get a Wild Card?

So maybe he should make a trade. Let's see which two teams have WR depth to spare. Well, well. It's The Dude and Russellmania. I'm playing Semi this week, so it would have to be a pretty great trade offer that convinces me to focus long-term and not short. I'll tell you right now, I'm not trading AJ Green the week he's about to score 22 points. Brian Barker would certainly love to help another team beat me because he's a small, petty person, but would he love it enough to help a division rival he just beat? One he could get a 1.5 game lead on with a win?

What interesting times we live in!

Cincy is on the road, but they have a good defense and should be screaming around the field to avoid a 0-3 start. Plus, Jordy and Cobb (Whaaaaaat!?!?) are hurt, so maybe Rodgers will be down ever so slightly this week.

Stewart is a nice start against the Saints even though the Panthers are much more interested in getting McCaffrey rolling. Chris Carson might be nice enough, but the Titans have a good D line going against the worst O line in the league. (Full disclosure: Semi beat to me to Carson FA pickup by 1 hour and I did try to trade for him after that).

I am definitely concerned about Ben on the road against a terrible team. He should have a huge game, so I bet he scores 12 points. The Rams gave up ground to Kelley and Thompson last week, so Hyde should go over 100 yards, Martavis can get deep all day against Chicago, and DeSean faces the exact same coverage situation that Martavis had last week when he got open deep. The only question is do I play Amari or Adam? Thielen has a great slot matchup against Tampa if Bradford can really play, whereas Amari might run into Josh Norman a bit. Or do I dare start Javorius Allen, who's now on his third stint with my team? If West is out, he could see a full load against the Jags. Yeah, the Jags DST is great as we all know, but Baltimore could be running clock late.

I really did want to start Sammy Watkins this week and chose not solely because I couldn't stand the idea of watching two of my guys on TNF. 

THE PICK: TDHGNM 103 - LBJ 84


SCOTT DOESN'T HAVE ANY WINS (0-2) vs. THE NATIONAL RAZOR (1-1)
Scott has to earn his proper team name back with a win. This matchup gives us the only defeated team in the league against one of the finest owners in our league. The man smart enough to draft Randall Cobb, Younghoe Koo, and Tom Brady on accident. The man smart enough to keep Danny Woodhead on IR and smart enough to start TY Hilton over Ted Ginn last week despite my thoughts, giving his team an extra 2 points that meant nothing.

CBS has this game as a coin flip and I have absolutely no idea where that is coming from. Jameis, still prone to turnovers, is on the road against a great defense. Fournette, with no QB help, faces a Baltimore defense that bottled up Crowell and Hill/Gio/Mixon. DeMarco is old and hurt and losing carries to Henry. He didn't even practice yesterday. Melvin Gordon faces a great defense on the road. Chicago is decent against #1 WRs, and if Ben watched any tape at all this week, he probably realizes he needs to stop forcing the ball to AB in double coverage and take what he's given. Scott is starting Zach Ertz on purpose. Again.

That said, Brady always struggles with teams who can pressure the pocket with the front four. A team like Houston, for instance. And he looks extra skittish so far this season. Gary is going to dig in on T.Y. Hilton apparently, but whatever points CJammanuel Sanderson doesn't score against the tanking Bills, Freeman will likely pick up against Detroit. 

Earlier this week, Gary accused me of thinking all other owners were idiots who don't pay attention because I dared offer him Terrence West for Alvin Kamara. While that accusation might be true, that's quite a reaction to being offered a current starter for a potential future starter. Anyway, he can have West now if he wants him. 

But hey, Gary is going to be 2-1 come Tuesday. He won his division last year! Why won't you take him seriously? He's really good at this!

THE PICK: TNR 77 - SDHAW 58


ANIMAL HOUSE (1-1) vs. RUSSELLMANIA (1-1)
There was talk before the season that Meyers was going to leave the league because work was ramping up for him. Gary cajoled him into staying by pointing out he's won enough money to play for free for the next 5 years or so. Being too busy to care is presumably why Meyers has not yet cut AP or Lacy. Or maybe he can't stand the idea of carrying $0.75 of dead cap space. That could make sense since he's in accounting or some shit. 

Anyway, Bell should get back to form against Chicago and McCaffrey probably gets his 1st pro TD against the Saints. Fitz, Thomas, and Gronk, though...man, I don't know. They all have problems this week. Some of them have entire season problems so far. 

Terrelle Pryor, a first round pick, is being benched this week in favor of Demaryius Thomas. Ok, fine. Buffalo sucks so run with Thomas. Actually, come to think of it, Thomas started last week, so I guess Pryor is being benched in favor of Beckham. Makes sense on paper, although Beckham is still gimpy, on a snap count, and counting on getting the ball from an awkward, 36-year-old QB behind an offensive line that will do nothing to hold up the Eagles' pass rush. The Chiefs can bottle up Keenan even without Eric Berry, and whatever Julio posts is moderated by Matt Ryan starting for Animal House.

Oh, and Tennessee will kill Russell Wilson and Miller is losing his job to D'onta Foreman. Sources tell me that Barker is well aware of this and is desperately trying to trade for Foreman. Beyond that, Paul Perkins suuuuuuuuuuucks and Kerwynn Williams already lost his starting role to a 31-year-old RB who was a FA when the season started. 

This Russellmania team is complete garbage. I think I mainly picked them #1 overall in the season preview because I felt bad for Brian and didn't want to pick on him. That feeling is long gone.

You will note, though, that Brian picked up Terrence West today. I did offer him in a trade earlier this week but never heard back. Credit to Brian for waiting me out, figuring I would cut him. I'm sure he thinks he outsmarted me, though I'm not broken up about cutting a below-average back who hasn't capitalized on three different opportunities, is hurt this week, and is losing his job to Javorious Allen, whom I grabbed instead.

Yeah, I drafted West, but Mike Sembrat was sitting right next to me and can confirm that I made this face before making that selection:














In fairness, I do need to admit that I've developed a tell. You see, my roster is so carefully curated, so well thought out with every player serving a purpose, that if I ever do offer up a guy in trade, it's a sign I'm going to cut him soon. I'll need to work on this.


THE PICK: AH 78 - RM 71


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (1-1) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (3-0)
Before the season started, I offered Bri Allen Robinson for Crowell, noting that we could 1/X both of them. Bri turned me down. When he approached me today about trading for Crowell, I was initially receptive...and then I noticed that Crowell costs $1.62 this year. Like Jordan Howard, I have no idea what this contract price is based on. Isaiah Crowell is the 9th-most expensive RB in our league? Seems like a lot for a guy who has 12 points total in 2 games. I mean, he's like $0.15 less than AJ Green, who I'm told is untradeable because of his contract.

Of course, if Crowell has a good game against the Colts this week, I'm sure the goldfish in this league will beat down Bri's door for him.

During those trade talks, Bri told me, "I don’t want to make a big trade.  My team doesn’t suck.  My problem is that I don’t have enough available contracts for all my good players. 

We might be on Cam watch mid-way through the season.

How good would my team be if I had franchised AB and dumped Cam last year.  I’ve generally made good choices about when to dump guys…but definitely missed on that one.  Write that in your weekly update."

So there you have it. 

Tim's scoring preview was blank yesterday thanks to an illegal lineup, so I went to this team page to see what the issue is. At that moment, he had 5 bench players when you must have 6. Why only 5? Because he put Corey Coleman on IR. Here are some facts for you to read:
  • Corey Coleman broke his hand last week
  • The Browns put him on IR to return, so he's out at least 8 weeks
  • Our league roster freeze is the same week Coleman can return
  • Corey Coleman costs $1.35
  • His contract is 2/2
  • Corey Coleman averaged 6 points/game last year
  • He averaged 6 points/game so far this year
  • Tim is not cutting him
  • Tim is making a bad decision
It doesn't even matter that Tim picked up Chris Johnson to get legal. Bri was going 3-0 either way.

Though I am looking forward to Tim waiting until 1:15pm Sunday to pick up another player, forcing Gary to email the whole league about it.

THE PICK: TKSMB 99 - SS ???

***BREAKING NEWS***

I emailed Gary just now to ask why in the world Tim would put Coleman on IR, expecting that we'd have a few chuckles over this egregious error. 

Gary wrote back, "No joke, I have been trying to find a way to trade for Coleman since before the season.  I figured after 2 decent Cobb games Tim might accept a straight up swap.  I was going to extend him to 3-Yr despite his silly cost.  Good think Jordy got hurt and made me keep Cobb for awhile."

So...Gary would trade Randall Cobb for a guy who averages 6 points/game, but NOT for AJ Green. And he would extend his contract so he could pay COREY COLEMAN like $1.60 in 2018!

By the transitive property, Gary thinks Corey Coleman is better than AJ Green.

!!

!!!!!!!!!!

Again, I am going to lose my fucking mind.


THE NIGHT BOYS (1-1) vs. ASSTANNER (1-1)
Man, I know I said Trevor Siemian was looking live so far this season, but I didn't somebody would start him this quickly. 

Barker's team has some serious problems this year. I mean, he has two kickers, two defenses, two quarterbacks, three Patriots, and zero useful players. Maybe Gillislee, I guess, assuming the Patriots get tackled on the 2-yard line. 

As for this week, Burkhead missed practice with a rib injury and wasn't getting the ball even when healthy. Kenny Golladay followed up his outstanding debut with 0.8 points, but is still starting this week. Brandin Cooks won't have time to get deep this week before Watt and Clowney get to Brady, and Pat Pete was shut down Dez as usual. Chris Thompson has drawn into the starting lineup, a mere 3 days after his coach said they can't give him the ball that much because he's too small.

With this many bad starters, you may ask, why not go to the bench to change things up? Because, as mentioned, the bench has a QB, a K, a DST, Thomas Rawls, and Devin Funchess.

This is a Tim-level team.

Shady will have a tough time getting anywhere against Denver, Zeke should struggle against Arizona, and Jalen Ramsey can shut down Maclin without much problem. Dalvin Cook, Devante Parker, and the schedule will bail out Chris this week.

THE PICK: AT 68 - TNB 43


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (1-1) vs. WTTK? (1-1)
You know what? I actually think McCamey can win this game. I'm sure he'll think that his 2-1 start is evidence that his preseason moves and draft were not a combination of the Hindenburg crashing directly onto Titanic, but it's really just evidence that he plays in a AA-ball division. 

Carr can get after Washington, Henry should gouge Seattle with Murray out, and Ameer can get lose against Atlanta. Jordan Reed is hurt, though, so I guess J.J. Nelson comes in? Eric Decker?

I want to say that Larry should consider Cutler over Mariota this week, but he might not listen to me after last week's Frank Gore mistake. All 3 of his receivers are going to be bottled up.

This preview got the short end of the stick this week. I'm sorry. Gary drained all of my pep earlier. 

THE PICK: WTTK? 79 - TWR 68







Monday, September 18, 2017

AFFL Week 2 Review

Here's the good news. All of our matchups have been completed, so nobody has to stay up late for the end of a dog ass game between the Lions and Giants.

Here's more good news. Except for Brian Williams, who always loses in the playoffs, every team is 1-1 and still in the race. Even The Night Boys and WTTK?, who haven't scored as many points in 2 weeks as Bri did in Week 2. Plenty of reasons for folks to still be...



ANIMAL HOUSE 78.8 - THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 59.7 👍
I predicted a high-scoring loss for myself this week and ended up with a low-scoring loss, so...partial credit? Searching high and wide for silver linings, I guess I'm happy to see that Carlos Hyde is gonna be a real one in Kyle Shanahan's offense and I'm also way too happy that Martavis is back. I am, like, giddy that I have Martavis on my team and you don't see a guy run away from a corner and a safety on a red zone slant pass too often. Oh, also, I had never seen Ka'imi Fairbairn kick a ball before and he looked pretty solid on Thursday, so that's good.

As for the bad, I might be reaching the seven year itch with AJ. I'm just tired of having him. Maybe the new OC in Cincy will spice things up. When even I notice your play calling is terrible, it's time for the old guy to go. Rob Kelley hurt a rib, which probably has a negative effect on a banging running back, and Amari took this week off in a blowout.

Animal House got the win to be sure, but they didn't come out of this one flying high. Gronk caught a TD but also got hurt, Le'Veon is still struggling through his personal live games training camp, McCaffrey will be great to have one day but not today, Fitz and the Cards are a mess, the Saints are a mess, and the whole bench only had 5.5 points. Eddie Lacy was a scratch! Peterson, Lacy, and John Ross might all be cuttable. Not that there's anybody out there to replace them.


THE NATIONAL RAZOR 119.8 - SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER 77.9 👍
More like...Youngnoe Good! More like...Younghoe Cut! I was literally writing that Gary needed to hurry up and try to trade this kid before it was too late, but he beat me to the punch by a few hours. But other than that, it was a great week for Gary. Brady went off as expected, Freeman looked great, T.Y. Hilton beat my 12 yards prediction with a whopping 49 yards (Wow!), and the surprisingly hot Trevor Siemian carried Cemmanuel Sandersons along for big games. Guys, Gary is really good at this! He knows exactly how to manage a team in this particular league and all of his players are great! Not sure why you all don't get that.

Ted Ginn won the called-off Allen Robinson trade this week by 2.4 points. Of course, Robinson had surgery this week and Ginn played, so...

Tim auto-drafted Jordan Howard, so who knows if he actually would've made the same pick if he showed up on time for the draft for the first time this decade. I'm again admitting that I have no idea how Gary prices these players even though there's a very convenient, easy-to-use formula within the league rules that only takes 15 steps and has 4 sets of parentheses. Point is, I have no idea how Jordan Howard cost $1.92 this year and at that price, on this Bears team, I wouldn't have even given him a camp invite. And now his shoulder is hurt.

Tim did draft Kareem Hunt on purpose, though, and boy oh boy was that some pick. Tim should franchise Hunt TODAY. After Hunt, the rest of this team...oo wee. McCamey can look down his nose at this team, that's how bad it is.

RUSSELLMANIA 72.2 - LITTLE BABY JESUS - 71.1 👎
Brian Barker is now 1-1 and his 2 games have been decided by a total of 1.9 points. That last pass to Julio was just what Barker needed to pull out the win. That and Jordy straining his quad in the first quarter.

Remember a few years ago when people raved about Tom Cable coaching up the collection of cast offs the Seahawks rolled out on their O line? Pete Carroll should probably take that clipping down from his office corkboard. This line and this offense is a serious problem and Russell Wilson is going to get killed back there no matter how much magic water he's drinking.

Terrelle Pryor had 3.1 points. He was a first round pick.

By the way, my suggestion to start Diggs over Thomas was automatically rendered moot once Bradford was ruled out. Just so you know. Though my prediction that Brian wouldn't listen to me was dead on.

Tyreek might be a little boom or bust. Basically a younger DeSean Jackson.

Man, Semi could've moved to 2-0 if Jordy didn't get hurt. Or if he had started Chris Carson, whom he now likes so much that he shot down a Terrence West for Carson trade this morning. Should've loved him that much on Saturday, buddy! Or if the Raiders didn't take the 2nd half off and gave up garbage time TDs to the Jets.

But he lost and he's 1-1 with Hogan, Jordy, Corey Davis, and Jimmy Graham all hurt, and an angry Dude team coming to town next week.


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 120.9 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 68.7 👍
Greg Olsen! ANOTHER guy Bri traded is now hurt. Bri is like some Black Widow wife. Like one of those nurses that secretly murders 78 people in a convalescent home. Do not trade with Bri unless you like seeing guys get hurt. Which...maybe that's your thing, you weirdo.

Crabtree caught 3 TDs, which was really fun for me as an Amari associate, Ty Montgomery is just running wild right now, Todd Gurley is back to hurdling people so maybe he's not washed yet, and even Ajayi was decent. Actually, if Bri started Kelce over Baldwin, not only would he have scored 130+, he would've posted 2 hurdle TDs, which is probably pretty rare.

This is already shaping up to be one of Bri's patented go 12-2 then score 71 points in the playoffs seasons. Even with Cam's shoulder preventing him from really throwing the ball.

When I said in the intro that every team except Bri is 1-1, I forgot that Scott is 0-2. It's easy to forget Scott's team. He plays Gary's history-altering franchise next week, so 0-3 is a really possibility, especially with DeMarco Murray's hamstring retiring early. Before the season, Scott said Melvin Gordon was his best player. So he either forgot that he had Antonio Brown or he was pretty surprised to watch Gordon get just 13 yards on 9 carries yesterday. Of course, thanks to a 1-yard TD scamper and a nice catch, Gordon actually outscored AB yesterday.


THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 80.5 - ASSTANNER 66.6 👎
Chris' outstanding collection of running backs combined for 12.9 points yesterday. That's a point less than the great Melvin Gordon. Buffalo's offense is terrible, Cook is going to have trouble until Bradford is back and who knows when that will be, and Zeke looked pretty tired yesterday.


Thank you Carson Wentz for being the one lone Asstanner to have the courage to score double digit points.

Starting Kupp over Gore did not turn out to be a good suggestion on my side. Not a good week for me smarts-wise. Though I think I struggle in Week 2 every year. I take my preseason thoughts, overreact to Week 1, miss on Week 2, then settle in.

Oh right! I'm supposed to be talking about Larry here. Pardon me. Mike Evans was a beast yesterday and the Broncos defense is a lot of fun. I'm not quite sure how Mariota only put up 11 points in a 37-16 win, and I wouldn't be that excited about Tarik Cohen even with Howard out, but this was a fine win. All wins against Chris are fine.


WTTK? 74.5 - THE NIGHT BOYS 67.5 👎
So...McCamey backed into a favorable outcome in the David Johnson fiasco. He might be about to back into Derrick Henry being the starter for a hot offense. And he might back into some Joe Mixon stuff. I mean, the Bengals never, ever fire dumb coaches, but they sure moved fast on Ken Zampese. I guess 4 carries or whatever for Mixon combined with Gio Bernard running between the tackles 10 times inspired a change.

By the way, if you're thinking about buying low on Mixon, I can tell you that his price shot up this weekend after I asked about tried to trade for him. I'm like Warren Buffet. I ask about a company and the stock shoots up 10% on "rumors."

Double by the way, I wouldn't go thinking WTTK? is good just because they won this week. This Night Boys team really might be the worst team in the league. I know there's a fierce three-way battle for that title, but man. Palmer and the Cards are totally washed up, Rawls has lost his job behind a terrible line, Cooks somehow didn't score during his "revenge" game, and Dez blows. Some interesting stats I saw: In 2 games this year, Dez only has 9 catches on 25 targets. He's also the #1 WR who most suppressed by top corners. Dez is no Franchise Player; he's like a top-40 receiver at best.

Also by the way, I don't know why Barker thinks he needs to roster two defenses or why he thinks one of them should be the Jets, but they posted a -7 yesterday. Probably the new rules, but I think that's the lowest score I've ever seen. At least they were on the bench.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

AFFL Week 2 Preview

LAST WEEK: 5-1
SEASON: 5-1

Teams are desperate to avoid starting off 0-2 and with only a very weird Week 1 go off of, we're going to see seem questionable lineup decisions. I'm seeing a huge one already, GARY.




THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (1-0) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (0-1)
CBS is so down on my team this season that I'm getting stuck in a negative feedback loop and starting to think maybe I'm not that good. Even though I know CBS' projections are trash. Even though I know I'm taking the same approach that got me into the playoffs last year: a serviceable starting RB flanked by 4 dynamic WRs. In fact, with DeSean and Martavis, I might have a better WR group and I have two outstanding QBs. Screw you, CBS.

That said, I might be 1-1 soon. Meyers only scored 53.6 points last week and he might double that this week. Le'Veon could struggle again this week against a great Vikings defense, and the Pats should take Michael Thomas out of action, but everybody else has a plus matchup for Animal House, if not a plus plus matchup. Ryan against GB, Gronk against the terrible Saints D, Fitz against the Colts, and the Cards DST against Jacoby Brissett. Even McCaffrey might get into the end zone.

What's worse is that I should pile up points this week as well. Rivers will torch Miami, West could easily put up 15 against Cleveland, Amari should score on the terrible, terrible Jets, and the Steelers haven't been able to cover a slot receiver since the concept was invented, so Thielen could easily approach 20 points. The only question is do I start Martavis or DeSean? Whomever is benched will absolutely score 25 points and be the reason I lose.

A low-scoring win followed by a high-scoring loss will definitely help me decide whether or not my team is any good.

THE PICK: AH 108 - TDHGNM 94


THE NATIONAL RAZOR (0-1) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (1-0)
So not only did Gary manage to avoid having David Johnson get hurt for him this year, he refused to toss in a 5th round pick with Ginn to get Allen Robinson and avoided that injury as well. Hmm. We'll see if that luck holds up, because he is going to be hitting the trade circuit soon in order to avoid his Week 5 problem. You see, in Week 5 Gary is going to have 5 players on a bye, plus Andrew Luck, who's on a permanent bye this season. Oh, and Woodhead will still be on IR then.

Gary's lineup that week is going to be Brady/Kamara/Smallwood/Cobb/Hilton/Garcon/Koo/PIT. If you're wondering, he plays McCamey that week. So he might actually be able to win that butt lineup. Point is, ignore all Gary trade requests for the next few weeks.

Anyway, we're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's talk about this week.

How in the HELL are you going to start T.Y. Hilton when he's facing Patrick Peterson and getting passes from a QB who's been with the team for a month? And how in the HELL does CBS figure he's going to put up 8.4 points? Hilton is going to have like 12 dang yards.

Gary, you might want to consider starting Ginn after the Pats showed they can't cover the deep ball last week. Just a thought.

That said, Brady is going to make up for boning Gary two games in a row. He might put up 30 here. Freeman should be huge, Cobb should score against Atlanta, and CJ and Sanders aren't horrible picks against Dallas. Steelers D could get lit up, though.

Oh hey, this matchup has both QBs from one game. Brees will get points for Tim for sure, and it's going to be hilarious when Coleman gets a goal line carry over Freeman. Jordan Howard is already banged up and missing practice, and...you know what? I don't think Kareem Hunt is going to score another 45 points this week. The Eagles front 7 is actually pretty decent and, uh, 45 points is a lot to score every week.

It was a great undefeated run, Tim. A whole week!

THE PICK: TNR 93 - SS 87


RUSSELLMANIA (0-1) vs. LITTLE BABY JESUS (1-0)
Here's something interesting. Odell said today that his ankle is 6-8 week injury. It happened in mid-August, which would have him back around Week 6. Assuming, of course, that he doesn't re-aggravate in rehab or practice or even his first game back, which never happens. Plus, the Irma bye stretched out Doug Martin's return to Week 5. Barker's big glamour season with all those picks and trades could over before it started. 0-5 would be a terrible waste for the best receiving cork in the league.

I assume Wilson will bounce back against the Niners, though nobody thought the Packers D was good before last week. The Seahawks might be the issue instead. Lamar Miller has an equally bad offensive line, Pryor is still learning how to catch, and I would absolutely start Diggs over Demaryius. Barker won't do it because I just said it, but I would. Allen and Julio should go off, though.

Oh, by the way, Paul Perkins is traaaaaaaaash. And without Odell there to stretch out a D? Oof. Forget it. Dude is losing carries to ORLEANS DARKWA.

Philly can probably slow Tyreek down a touch. Then again, maybe nobody can. Rodgers, Hogan, Marshawn, Jordy, the Raiders DST, and GIORGIO! all have fantastic, tremendous, amazing matchups.

THE PICK: LBJ 110 - RM 82


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (1-0) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (0-1)
Here's something else interesting. Jay Ajayi admitted today that he basically has a constant knee issue. Keep that in mind when Bri puts him on the trade block. He traded Arian Foster and essentially ended his career. He traded Odell and now that guy might not play this season.

The more I think about it - and read about it - the more I'm sure that Gurley is already washed up. He averaged like 2 YPC against a Colts team that is 3 weeks away from "Could Alabama Beat The Colts?" articles. Oh, and there's a 100% chance Ty Montgomery gets hurt if he's getting 20+ touches a game.

Still, Bri's whole team has nice matchups this week. Cam should get healthy against Buffalo, Montgomery will put up 17-20 on Atlanta, Crabtree and Baldwin should both score, and Baltimore is facing a rookie QB.

Hard Knocks was as boring as waiting in line this season, but Jameis was pretty interesting to watch. He's definitely smart, definitely calculating, and definitely country as hell. That doesn't mean anything here, but I was intrigued. I did see an interesting stat about the Chicago defense actually containing big passing games, and Jameis is known to get impatient. Plus, this is Tampa's Week 1 and we saw last week that offenses aren't ready yet.

Yeah, Fournette is the whole offense and also very good, but the Titans D is decent. Murray is aging in dog years and the Jags D is excellent. I read today that AB is the one single WR in the whole NFL that is matchup proof. It doesn't matter how good Xavier Rhodes and Minnesota are, nobody stops AB. Scott is starting a TE on purpose this week and it's Zach Ertz.

THE PICK: TKSMB 85 - TDHAF 71


ASSTANNER (1-0) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (0-1)
Larry is going to lose this game and drop to 0-2, and that's probably the closest he'll be to .500 for the rest of the season. But here's the silver lining. He'll probably be able to sell players for picks to the stooges who don't yet realize that 2018 is going to be the deepest draft in years, and then he'll be able to take extra picks to build around Mariota, Johnson, and Evans. It'll be nice. Problem is, the nice part is 11 months away.

I would start Kupp over Gore. Frank(ly), I'd start anybody over Gore. That's enough talking about Larry's team for this week.

Chris is going to be 2-0 and he won't yet have faced 100 total points against. Are we seriously starting this shit again? Meanwhile, he might not even score 60 this week. He might win with the 2nd-lowest total of the week. I mean...come on.

This is almost as frustrating as the fact that in Gooddell's NFL, you need to check the injury report and the court docket for weekly player updates.

Awful. Everything sucks.

THE PICK: AT 64 - TWR 51


WTTK? (0-1) vs. TNB (0-1)
I said Chris might have the 2nd-lowest total this week, but I forgot about these two teams. As we all should. Forget winning his game with 60 points this week, Chris could win this division with a 6-8 record. Look at this shit pile!

Actually, I have to take that back for a second. Barker is ALSO going to be 2-0 without facing 100 total points against. Dez will be shut down by Denver, and Barker will have to be...patient...for Burkhead to pay off that 2-year Night Boys contract, but Palmer, Cooks, and Gillislee all have great matchups.

Derek Carr will have a great game and that is IT for WTTK?

This whole fucking division should be contracted.

THE PICK: TNB 74 - WTTK? 50

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

AFFL Week 1 Review

I'm not going to overreact to a slow and weird offensive start to the season, but this song goes out to Scott. I hope Tim changes his team name to Scott Doesn't Have Any Wins.




THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 77.8 - RUSSELLMANIA 77 👍 (Good pick)
















This would be really good blocking if Russell Wilson was on the right side of the photo, but he's not and it's not.

I will admit, once Diggs caught that second TD, I pretty much resigned myself to losing. But then my whole team dug in, showed pride, and stopped Demaryius Thomas from catching one more 9-yard pass. Way to go, boys! Now I can be excited that Adam Thielen put up 157 yards and not upset that I left 21 additional points on the bench.

I could take the optimist or pessimist route with this game, and I always like optimist. Watkins only scored 5.8, but he was targeted early and often and the Rams are improved. Hyde only had 7.7, but he looked quick and strong in the new Shanahan offense. And Amari, who only had 5 TDs last year, saw 3 straight red zone passes after scoring an early TD. Sure, the Raiders had to settle for a FG after those 3 passes came up empty, but still.

Another thing I could either way on is Allen Robinson. Last week, Gary offered me Ted Ginn for AR because he needed a Week 5 bye replacement. I didn't love that straight up and told Gary to come back in a few weeks. Then AR went down for the year. But the upside is now I can freely dump his contract and move on.

Oh, speaking of the Jags, getting a top-5 DST for only $0.81? I've done it again! That defense is worth a 1st round pick in a trade. I might have to pull a Scott and give them a contract.

Pryor - 6.6
Jones - 6.6
Thomas - 6.7
Beckham - 0.0
Diggs - 21.5
Allen - 9.5

Yes, it's a good receiving court. No, Brian will never figure out the proper combo to start in any given week. Oh, also, Terrelle Pryor dropped a long pass in the end zone that would've won this game for Brian. Terrelle Pryor, who I thought was drafted way too high, lost this game for Brian. A real shame.

Brian Williams will have to check my accounting here, but since I beat Brian Barker by 0.8 points, I believe that means I am 80% better than he is.


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 77.2 - THE NATIONAL RAZOR 63.5 👍
Gary texted me in a mild panic (by his standards) Sunday that the new defensive rules were going to break the league, as either defense would either have 20 points or -5. I had to ask him what the actual rule changes were since I didn't pay any attention after voting no. Gary never texted back to explain the changes.

This seems relevant since the Steelers' 17.5 points where Gary's only double-digit scorer. Even more relevant when we see that Gary still lost the DST matchup to Baltimore's 21 points.

CJ Anderson looked pretty sporty last night, but only put up 8.8 points. Actually, I thought Trevor Siemian looked really live last night, but Manny Sanders only had 2.6 points. Scott Tolzien was pulled and then after the game said it was the right decision! Don't players usually just demure when asked if they sucked? I don't think you're supposed to admit it. Anyway, 4.7 points for T.Y. Hilton will probably seem like a good game moving forward. Ted Ginn, on the bench, barely outscored Allen Robinson.

Oh, and Danny Woodhead got hurt.

Tom Brady has boned Gary in the last two games he played. Last year's Wild Card matchup when Brady carried me to a terrific and memorable win, and now this week when his disappointing and forgettable 8.9 points made Gary take that L.

Maybe he's rusty, but maybe he's still hurt. Cam was sailing some throws out there and missed one 1 wide open TD. Gurley did score a TD, but he doesn't look that fast to me. Crowell gave a classic performance, running nicely the few times he touched the ball, but not touching it enough because Cleveland was losing all day. Bri can just take this cheap win and move on.


THE NIGHT BOYS 54.4 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 53.4 👍
Barker won this game with 54.4 points. It took 3 goal line TDs from Gillislee and Johnson getting hurt, but he did it. This one single cheap win officially makes up for years of Barker scoring 99 points and losing. This is a gross, gross win. His bench only had 26 points. There is simply nothing on this team. If Barker goes 9-5 while facing the fewest points against, it's really going to be something.

During the David Johnson talks, which got as intense as the first SALT talks, it was always in the back of my mind that if I mortgaged the future to make a run this season, Johnson would probably get hurt. That's a painful loss for Larry. More painful as Marlon Mack doubling up Frank Gore from the bench? Yeah, probably. More painful than being ahead Monday night into Tuesday morning, then coming from ahead to lose when the Chargers scored a TD that wasn't to Tyrell Williams and then the Broncos not getting one more sack? Yeah, probably. Is Larry already mentally checked out on this season after a brief flash of excitement? Yeah, probably.


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER 96.2 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 69.5 👍
I am happy for Tim and definitely happy that Scott lost, buuuuuuuuut Tim got 45% of his points from one player having an historically good rookie debut. So I'm not sure if this is something we can count on each week. I mean, right now Kareem Hunt literally has twice as many points as anybody else in the league. On the other hand, Brees will be better when not facing an excellent defense and Hopkins will get a boost from his fellow Clemson alumni, Deshaun Watson. I think Tim can be decent this year.

Scott will probably never start Eli again, but whoa. That was bad. Fournette was good, but we'll see if that lasts once teams realize Jacksonville only wants to run. DeMarco might be breaking down and not to get too into the Patriots D, but if this Cassius Marsh guy is going to get major minutes, they are in trouble. He is awful and he looks like he still wears Affliction t-shirts. He for sure has one of those NotW stickers on his car.

Scott, your team sucks and I'm done trying to help you out with trades. You're on your own from here.


ASSTANNER 81.3 - WTTK? 42.3 👍
My pick for this game was 82-50 which is pretty damn impressive except that I gave McCamey too much credit. This is just a brutally, brutally bad team. Will Lutz was his highest-scoring player with 13 points. When a kicker is your best player and this isn't fantasy futbol, you've got real problems. The only real positive for McCamey is that he managed to trade David Johnson before he broke his wrist. He did not, however, trade Derrick Henry before he put up 2.5 points. That was 0.1 better than Joe Mixon, who is a rookie playing behind an offensive line that gets caved in like a sandcastle. There is absolutely no way Marvin is going to put that kid out on a passing down so he can get Dalton killed.

Oh hey, would you look at that? It's another flukish, easy win for Chris. He already leads the league in points against! How does he manage to do it every year? What is his secret?

Wentz is improving and if all 3 backs are legally allowed to play all season, Chris is going to be pretty strong this year. His receivers are abysmal, though, and if any of you trade a WR to Chris, you are a terrible person and everything that's wrong with the league.


LITTLE BABY JESUS 68.6 - ANIMAL HOUSE 53.7 👎 (Bad pick)
My only lost pick of the week. 14.4 points will probably be one of Rodgers' worst games of the year, but Jordy was much better than expected with 13.9 points. But this was a complete schedule win for LBJ. Hard to get too excited about winning with only 68.6 points.

Bell only scoring 4.7 points can't be that much of a surprise after skipping camp, but if Gronk can be single-covered with a safety now, that's going to be interesting.

There is basically nothing to say about this game. Both of these teams were shitty but one of them has to win because them's the rules. Just trash. Oh wait! Here's one interesting thing to say. Animal House has literally 0 cap space and he's paying Adrian Peterson $2.51 to walk up and down the sidelines like he's serving drinks.

Friday, September 8, 2017

AFFL Week 1 Preview

SEASON: 0-0


In my other league, I started Rex Burkhead and benched Kareem Hunt, so it took all of 3 hours for me to start hating fantasy football again. Good times? No, great times.


THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (0-0) vs. RUSSELLMANIA (0-0)
Not to belabor the Season Preview, but I just want to point out that we go through the same thing every single year. Everybody says my team sucks because I don't have the name brand players that your precious magazines and cheat sheets tell you are good. And then I go out and either win the division or make the playoffs. It happens every single year. Why are we still going through this?

I mean, Gary, for god's sake, said there is no difference between my team and McCamey's. I am sure Gary looks at Bilal Powell and Rob Kelley and figures they are the same. A sophisticate such as myself realizes that Powell's team is bad and will never be running the second half, while Kelley's team is good and he will get many second half handoffs and late touchdowns while bleeding out the clock.

Also, I have 6 receivers better than McCamey's best WR. Minor detail.

Ok, onto the games.

I never have any respect for the CBS projections because they are absolute garbage. When you look at the actual numbers, I honestly have no idea what they're based on. They're complete trash. They are at least 30 points off of me this week.

Yes, Ben struggles on the road against bad teams...except Cleveland. I desperately want to start Martavis right away, but maybe better off not since he hasn't played in a year and missed camp. Plus, Ben is a hedge against those points. AJ will tear up Baltimore, Kelley will score a TD, Watkins is playing a terrible, terrible Colts team missing Vontae Davis, and Amari has an easy matchup against the Titans. Carlos Hyde, maybe the matchup against Carolina is tricky, but let's not overrate them, nor forget that Kyle Shanahan backs always pile up receiving yards.

Reports are that Odell is 50-50 to play. The Giants are in the Sunday night game, which ordinarily would mean that Barker would need to either start somebody early or risk Odell putting up a 0dell. (That was terrible)

But since luck is on his side this year, he has Demaryius, Diggs, Perkins, and Allen all playing late games, so he can wait out the roster decision as long as possible. Best case for me is that Odell starts and is limited. Best case for the league is Odell starts, tweaks his ankle, and misses six weeks. Worst case is Odell starts and I watch him catch 2 TDs for 160 yards.

Wilson should be good in Green Bay, but Miller will struggle against a surprisingly good Jaguars D. Pryor, I want to see it first. Julio is amazing, but not so much outdoors, even when the weather is nice. I do like Diggs against the Saints, though.

So Brian Barker's team, which is so good because he has all these guys you've heard of before with your simple minds, loses to my terrible team this week, which somehow puts up a huge score.

THE PICK: TDHGNM 108 - RM 92


THE NATIONAL RAZOR (0-0) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (0-0)
Three things I always remember are the Lions going 4-0 in the preseason before going 0-16, the Pats going 0-4 in the preseason before going 18-1, and Buffalo beating the Pats in Week 1 33-0 in one year that the Pats won the Super Bowl. So I don't want to overreact here...

...but 40-year old Tom Brady looked extremely skittish around contact last night. Did you see the play where he turtled in the pocket, but nobody touched him, so he stood up and fired a pass over somebody's head? I'm not saying it's over. I'm saying it's interesting right now.

Gary is actually starting TY Hilton on the road, outdoors, against a good Rams defense, catching "passes" from Scott Tolzien. Garcon will get 8-9 catches, but who knows if any finish in the end zone. Freeman will be just fine, but don't get too excited for CJ and Sanders thanks to The Trevor Siemian Experience.

If Todd Gurley does not light up this Colts defense at home, he is officially bad. Bri should trade to trade him ASAP if he has less than 10 points. Crabtree will steal a touchdown from Cooper because he always does, but Crowder has been hurt for a bit and might not be up to full speed yet. Doug Baldwin will score 20 points against Green Bay. If Cam and Crowell can do even a little bit, Bri gets a cheap win.

THE PICK: TKSMB 87 - TNR 68


THE NIGHT BOYS (0-0) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (0-0)
As mentioned, I started Rex Burkhead because I read something yesterday from Mike Lombardi, "close associate of Bill Belichick," that Burkhead would be everybody's fantasy darling after Thursday night. Fuck Mike Lombardi. That guy is like Jim Cramer. Fucking loud and fucking wrong.

Anyway, Barker had to start Burkhead because what other option does he have? Gillislee more than made up for it with 3 TDs, an Cooks was decent. If each starting position can average 11-12 points a game, you should win more often than not. Barker's 3 Pats averaged 11.2 points last night, keeping him on pace. I am extremely curious to see where this Pats-heavy experiment goes this year. Especially since Gary might be very ready to trade Brady after last night.

Barker is not starting Franchise Player Dez Bryant this week, favoring the Palmer-John Brown link. It was just a month ago when John Brown was trending toward retirement because of sickle cell issues. I like John Brown a lot, but...seems iffy in Week 1?

One day after I declared Larry to have the 2nd-best team in the league I'm declaring that I don't like anything about him this week. Mariota goes on the road against a tough defense, Frank Gore is 110 years old and facing a good defense with 110 men in the box thanks to Scott Tolzien, Denver will shut down Tyrell Williams again, and while Alshon is much bigger than Josh Norman, I'd like to see he and Wentz in a game together.

David Johnson might score 22 points and it won't be enough.

THE PICK: TNB 72 - TWR 66


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (0-0) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (0-0)
So...I guess Kareem Hunt was worth a 1st round pick after all.

A couple of days after the draft, after I tried to take Hunt in the 8th round only to find out Timmy beat me to him by two rounds, I asked how much Hunt would cost. Tim said a first rounder because he'll be a starter soon. This was before Ware got hurt. I scoffed, wondering how Hunt's price shot up 5 rounds in 2 days.

On the one hand, if we're entering a world where Trump can be President and Tim knows more about football than me...I mean, I don't know if I can be a part of that world. On the other hand, it was pretty enjoyable watching Timmy take it to Timmy Doesn't Have Any Friends on opening night.

Hunt scored 41.6 points, and you could almost call it 46.1 points since he forced the Pats DST into a -4.5 night. Scott voted for the defensive points rule change and it took all of one game for him to put up a negative number because of it.

Scott's precious running backs all face tough defenses on the road this week, so it'll be up to AB to make

THIS JUST IN: 
Tim just emailed me right this moment asking "Were is the protections for the match-up win for this week? Cause I know Scott is so pissed, about last nights game."

I had to read it twice to be sure, but I think Tim is downright giddy about reading this preview so he can quench his thirst on Scott's tears. Back to to the preview!

up for the rest of his garbage team. 

Brees will struggle against Minnesota and Tevin Coleman will need a blowout or a touchdown to be useful, but Hopkins and Benjamin have a chance this week. Not that it matters since Kareem Hunt is the rising tide that carries all Tims.

Pretty interesting that the two Alberts that came after me for the season preview won't even crack 70 this week. Prettttttttyyyyyy interestinnnnnnnnng.

THE PICK: S&S 110 - TDHAF 55 (Double him up, Tim!)


WTTK? (0-0) vs. ASSTANNER (0-0)
I almost laughed about Zeke being in the starting lineup until I remember that he's legally allowed to play this week, then he's suspended for 6 weeks. Unless he's not. 

Speaking of which, the NFL suspended former Giants kicker Josh Brown for 6 games recently. Notice I said former. Brown is no longer in the league. And yet he somehow got the same 6-game suspension for domestic violence that Zeke got. Somehow he got this suspension a year after the incident, right around the same time Zeke got his.

I am not condoning domestic violence. I am condoning saying that outside of the White House, Roger Gooddell makes the stupidest fucking decisions in front of a big audience. What's more, I'll say the the rapid expansion of the NFL audience this decade was more related to fantasy football and the way TV covered the game than anything Gooddell actively did. What's more on top of that, 95% of the active decisions he has made have been universally reviled. London games. The concussion fiasco. Suspension fiascoes. Color rush games. Making the draft 3 damn days long. He is a genuinely stupid fucking person and he is paid $50mm a year. America!

And speaking of disasters, folks, how about this WTTK team? (Hold for laughter)

Fuck this trash game. I just want to throw in one more note about McCoy. He should have a nice game this week, but apparently I'm the only person in the league skeptical about a 29-year old back with a history of leg injuries playing for a team that's trying to tank the season with a coach who said he's going to give McCoy as many carries as he can this season. Why not just come right and say, "We're going to run this 29-year-old free agent-to-be until he gets hurts this year and then we'll move on."

THE PICK: AT 82 - WTTK 50


ANIMAL HOUSE (0-0) vs. LITTLE BABY JESUS (0-0)
Tyreek Hill. My goodness. They will of course choke in January, but if Andy Reid spent the summer creating some new West Coast/read option offense will Hill, Kelce, Conley, and Hunt as weapons, it's going to be a quite a show this fall. By no means am I calling Hill a Randy Moss, but he has that same ability to turn one single botched coverage into an easy touchdown. I mean, he was OPEN on that pass.

Mildly interesting note. Semi had two players going last night, two in the Oak/Ten game, three in the GB/Sea game, and also Phil Dawson. An entire lineup in just four games. Maximum efficiency. Even Barker needs five games this week, and he has three Pats!

Rodgers and Nelson are at home, but if I recall the last times these two times played, Sherman shadowed Nelson and Rodgers didn't even bother throwing to him. So that's a problem. We need to see Marshawn play first before we get too excited about it.

Matt Ryan isn't good outside, but Le'Veon Bell is good everywhere, especially in Cleveland. Thomas will struggle against Xavier Rhodes, but McCaffrey will get into the end zone this week, and Fitz might too.

THE PICK: AH 84 - LBJ 71

Thursday, September 7, 2017

2017 AFFL Season Preview

The Krog Blog is alllllll the way back, baby! It's going to be just as good as it ever was, so let's celebrate with an appropriate song.


Hey, do you guys still remember the draft? I know it was in the middle of the summer, but it was actually for this upcoming season, believe it or not.

For those of you not in attendance, an amusing Gary story. In the first round, while on the clock, Gary shuffles through his assorted printed sheets before reluctantly settling on Tom Brady. Three picks later, when Semi pounced on Marshawn Lynch, Gary exploded, "Gah! I wanted to pick Marshawn Lynch in the first round! That was the guy I decided to take this afternoon!"

The rest of the draft was just as much of a struggle for Gary as he strained to cross names off of his printed sheets, find guys he wanted to draft on the paper, fighting with his iPad which wouldn't let him search for players, and looking for his two cats every 10 minutes to make sure they were in the house and not in the woods after somebody grabbed a beer. The whole performance was like watching a guy try to carry an entire drum kit up a flight of stairs in one trip.

Keep this in mind this season when Gary is demanding high picks for every single one of his players. Those picks will be absolutely burned like that flaming paper in 8th grade science class. Please don't waste everybody's time giving him picks.

But let's focus on the positive! Let's see which six teams are going to have a fine and fun season and find themselves in the playoffs!

(After, of course, we focus on the negative, starting with the teams that are sure to disappoint this season.)

REVERSE POWER RANKINGS HO!

BAD TEAMS



#13
WTTK?
That's correct. WTTK is ranked 13th out of 12 teams this season. It's that bad. Nobody wants to re-read The Saga of David Johnson, but consider this quick summary. McCamey was heading into 2017 with the #1 player in fantasy football and the #1 overall pick. This was, you would think, a good place to be. So he traded Johnson and that pick for Julio Jones and some spare parts, and then after the draft traded Jones for Joe Mixon. Joe Mixon, you may have noticed, would have been available with the #1 overall pick. McCamey could've had Johnson AND Mixon. Now he just has Mixon, who got the 3-year contract David Johnson apparently didn't deserve at first. And he'll need every one of those 3 years since Marvin Jones hates playing rookies. There's going to be a game this year when Mixon has 3 carries for 24 yards, then misses a blitz pick up and doesn't see the field again for 4 weeks.

Before the Johnson trade was official, I offered McCamey to trade entire franchises. All players, all picks. I offered him a perennial playoff core for a 3-11 team. He said no. He also refused to move Derrick Henry under any circumstances because he might be the starter "one day."


It's honestly hard to decide on McCamey's worst pick this year. Was it Bilal Powell in the 2nd round? The backup RB on a team that might only score 6 TDs this year is pretty bad. Was it Samaje Perine in the 3rd round? Selecting the Washington handcuff 3 rounds before the starter is pretty bad, especially when you cut Perine in camp. Was it Joe Williams in the 5th round now that the Niners have cut him?

WTTK is so bad this year that I'm starting to think McCamey is doing some bit that I'm just not picking up on. Somebody put all of his players in a list and see if it becomes an acrostic that spells out H-E-L-P-M-E.


#11
THE NIGHT BOYS
This team is real, real bad, though I do admire Barker's attempt to find out what happens if you start one team's whole offense in fantasy football. Gary should trade Brady to this team to complete the effect.

Burkhead and Cooks were awarded new contracts, and though Cooks is going to pretty expensive in 2019, there's no way Belichick brought a white tailback to New England to not feature him prominently. I'm looking forward to the headline that Burkhead's jersey is the new #1 seller in Boston this fall.

Brandon Marshall is somehow on this team every single year.


#10
SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER
Say what you want, but I am dying for Tim to make the playoffs one year. I think it would be good for the health of the whole league. But it won't be this year. Tim's running backs are an overhyped rookie playing for a coach who famously doesn't use his backs enough, Atlanta's backup, and a sophomore playing for a terrible team after a rookie year breakout. If the man himself goes by Todd Gurley III, then Jordan Howard is Todd Gurley IV.

Stop me if you've heard this before, but Kelvin Benjamin is supposed to be good this year. DeAndre Hopkins can be a 1/X trade this year, but don't expect Tim to maximize leverage on that. Tom Savage will share some of the blame for that.

I'm not sure how much more I can say about a team that is boring bad. At least McCamey is exciting bad.


#9
ANIMAL HOUSE
It feels odd to say a team with the reigning MVP, a top 2 back, and a generational tight end will miss the playoffs, but beyond those 3 this entire roster is either washed-up vets or sexy rookies. McCaffrey will be good soon and he's on a nice contract, but he's still splitting time this year. Adrian Peterson, the most expensive player in the league, is extremely old and part of a three-man backfield.

If that's not enough contrast for you, the wide receivers are young Michael Thomas (a danger since everybody loves him this season), rookie Zay Jones, rookie John Ross, and extremely veteran Larry Fitzgerald.

Yes, Meyers has handcuffed Bell with Conner, so an injury there won't kill him, but if Gronk or Thomas or Ryan go down, this team is in severe trouble.

Fortunately, this team is just Bri's alter ego and his regular team is still pretty good.


#8
ASSTANNER
It's always hard to rank Chris because he basically has two different teams from September to December. Although, if we can hold fast on this, he'll have this team come December and he'll be about 3-9. Although although, I can't help but notice a few owners are already completely caving here.

I feel like a union leader trying to hold our shop together during a wildcat strike, but let me reiterate: Chris has won the last two seasons because he has discovered a market inefficiency. He knows that draft picks are highly overrated by everybody in the league, so he trades picks for players who will help him win now. Then in the following season, he does it again, building a team without any picks.

NOBODY wants to see Chris win three in a row. NOBODY should be trading with Chris at all this season.

Yes, I'm talking to you, GARY. Would you care to explain why you flat out gave away Darren McFadden when Zeke is still suspended for 6 weeks? You care so, so, so much about running backs, and yet you gave away a starting back on a good team behind the best line in the league before a single regular season snap? For a 5th round pick? You took Ted Ginn in the 5th round this year. Would you trade a starting back for Ted Ginn straight up? You don't think McFadden's value would've gone up if you could've waited until, say, Tuesday, after he had a good game and Chris scored 60 points?

Jesus Christ, people. This is really not that difficult.

And I'm ALREADY mad at whichever dope trades for Shady so that Chris can franchise Zeke without losing anything. Again, not that difficult to put other owners in a corner. I mean, we all voted to end college player pickups because it's Chris' bread and butter move. He'll be 4-10 this year if we just hold tight.

God, you all are going to blow this. I can see it coming a mile away. Why do you all suck so bad?


MIDDLE TEAMS




#7
LITTLE BABY JESUS
Semi brought a physical fantasy football magazine to the draft. Actual glossy pages. I was stunned when he didn't draft Shaun Alexander in the first year.

Nobody needs a magazine to tell them Rodgers to Jordy should be a winning combo this season, and while I'll admit that I had Tyreek Hill very high on my BIG BOARD (TM), we still need to see how he'll actually play out this season. Same with Marshawn, actually.

Jamaal Charles is closer to dead at this point, and Corey Davis is a rookie WR phenom struggling with hamstring issues in camp. So he'll either be Odell Beckham or Darrius Heyward-Bey this season.

This team has tons of potential to go in either direction. If everybody question mark player answers in the affirmative, Semi will post a lot of points each week. If guys don't show up or somebody key gets hurt, he's going to be in a lot of trouble.


#6
TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS
Scott has wanted AJ Green for like 4 seasons now, and yet we have not been able to reach a deal. This summer, he offered me $40 cash and $2 in cap space for Green. I told him I was pretty sure Gary would reject that deal. I countered with AJ straight up for Melvin Gordon. He refused. Apparently, Melvin Gordon having 1 good season out of 2 was too important for Scott to pair AJ with AB.

So Scott could still desperately use another receiver to pair with Brown, but he steadfastly refuses to part with any of his backs. Not Fournette, a rookie on a bad team who will never be milking a 2nd half lead. Not Murray, who could snap a tendon at any moment. Not Gordon, who pulled a reverse Todd Gurley.

He would probably trade Matt Forte. If he could.

That said, Jameis, Brown, and 2 of his 3 backs each week should be enough to rack up plenty of wins. This team will have tons of firepower in the right weeks. Enough to get into the playoffs, but the team is just too thin to do real damage.


#5
THE NATIONAL RAZOR
This is Gary's kicker:



His name is Younghoe Koo and you need to remember that not just because he can do flip kicks, but because he only costs $0.25, and we're a week away from Gary offering him in a trade every other day until December.

"Guys. Guys! A cheap kicker! You know how valuable that is? I set up the rules to this league and I know cheap kickers are super valuable! Guys! Youngkoo Hoe is worth 5 straight 1st round picks. I won't consider trading him for anything less. Guys...why is nobody trading for my kicker?"

God, I'm already sick of it. I hope he tries a flip kick at the end of a 41-0 game and Roger Gooddell bans him for life.

Oh, speaking of trades and being in corners, Gary is going to try to trade Andrew Luck this year so he can franchise Devonta Freeman. Even though Luck has a bad shoulder, plays behind an offensive line that is going to shorten his career, and might miss between 4 and 10 games this season, Gary will not trade him for anything less than a 1st round pick. Don't you see how cheap he is for a QB?!? Don't you realize how valuable that is!?!? Even if he doesn't play a single game this year, he's so cheap.

Gary will be loooooooooathe to cut Luck at the freeze. Oh, he'll do it. He'll just hate it. Again, do not give Gary a free lifeline here. You are not getting Freeman. Gary thinks CJ Anderson is worth a 1st pick even though he gets hurt every year. Gary thinks all of his players are worth first round picks even though he can't remember who wants to draft in the first round.

Anyway, I might have Gary ranked too high. Scott might be a touch better. Garcon, Hilton, and Sanders will try to catch passes from Hoyer, Tolzien, and Siemian/Osweiler respectively. Gary will have several games this year in which Brady and Freeman combine for 60 points, and those 3 receivers combine for 10.


THE GOOD TEAMS





#4
THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL
I originally had myself 4th because I am going to need a few players to pop correctly in order to have a really good season. But in looking more at Bri's team, he's in the same situation only with fewer lottery tickets.

I like Crowell, but we've heard coaches say they need to run the ball more and then not follow through. And I can tell you from experience that Crowell will have many games this season with 60 yards in the first half and 6 in the second half because Cleveland is losing 27-10. Gurley, why do we think he'll bounce back this season? Ajayi, why do we think he's good? Montgomery, is he really a workhorse back?

"Guys, did you know I have a starting kicker who only costs a quarter?!!?"

Get out of here, Gary. We talked about your team.

Cam should bounce back this season and Baldwin is great, but good look figuring out who to start between Crowder, Crabtree, and Wallace each week. Hell, how is he going to figure out which backs to start each week? Bri is absolutely going to have a couple of those games with 70 points in the starting lineup and 70 points on the bench. You can just imagine what his face will look like when that happens. It'll look the same as it does all of the other times anything at all happens to him.


#3
THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY
I'm not sure I'm actually the 3rd-best team this year. I have a bunch of lottery tickets that need to come through. But I damn sure can't see a world in which Gary or Scott are any better. So here I sit.

Since I make the playoffs every year, I end up picking 9th or 10th every year. So I go through the dregs of the available players and identify a couple of guys I'd be okay with taking the first (technically 4th round). This year, I got both guys I wanted, Martavis and Hyde. Of course, last year I also got both guys I wanted, Watkins and Moncrief, and that didn't work out so well.

Between Hyde, Kelley, and West, I do absolutely need one of these backs to step up and be useful each week, but I'm comfortable running the same 1-4 alignment that got me into the playoffs last year. Especially when the 4 WRs will be so dynamic. If there's even one week in which Green, Martavis, Jackson, and Cooper all pop off, I'll put up 150 points. And don't forget about a healthy Sammy Watkins, or the fact that Adam Thielen could catch 120 balls from the slot this year.

I will need the best receiving corps in the league to be there for me, too, since nobody in this league will ever trade a running back for a receiver.


#2
THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS
I think it was only a couple of years ago when I put Larry in the top 3 in the preseason rankings, and he went on to shit the bed. Like, post-Mardi Gras passed out, bowels totally empty, how did it get on the walls, call an ambulance shit the bed. Maybe this year will be different.

Larry did a pretty good job of balancing selling out the future vs. landing David Johnson now, so kudos there. Evans has a chance to be the #1 receiver in the league this year, which is also good. And this is the year I really regret trading away Mariota and his $0.66 contract. Indy is going to suck, but Marlon Mack could be a late-season gem.


#1 
RUSSELLMANIA
Brian Barker might secretly be the biggest villain in this league. I can be a bit much from time to time, and Chris is a whole deal, but Brian? Whew. A bad sport, megalomaniacal, and a fatalist all at once. It's a lot.

But!

Credit to him for taking the several picks he had in a vacant draft and maneuvering himself into a good team. Odell and Julio will be a really tough 1-2 to deal with each week and they will totally be healthy all season long because ankle and toe injuries never, ever linger for fast-twitch, high-impact athletes. They're fine. Totally fine. Odell could play in Week 1, he's just choosing not to. He's fine.

Wilson should bounce back this year, and while Miller will continue to disappoint, Doug Martin could explode when he returns from suspension. Everybody is high on Tampa this year and I am definitely right in line. I think he drafted Pryor way too early, but as I showed with my Martavis pick, I'm a fan of grabbing the guy you want when it's your turn.

Wilson
Martin
Beckham
Jones
Pryor
Diggs

That's a really good starting lineup, there's no way around it. He is going to pummel some teams this season.

Which is why it's going to be so, so fun watching him wrap up the #1 seed, and then lose his first playoff game 131-128. The Cure will reunite to record a sad song about it. It's going to be amazing.