AFFL Bowl Preview

LAST WEEK: 1-1
SEASON: 50-21

Hey, amemmer a few weeks ago when I realized I would've been 10-3 with a bye secured if I had just patiently held my team together? Well, last week with Hyde scoring 3.9, and Thielen and Green each scoring 3, I would've lost my first playoff game with about 65 points. And that's assuming I still would've picked up and started Dion Lewis.

So instead of once again suffering the annual slings and arrows of outrageous playoff fortunes, I traded my players away early and, by opposing, ended them.

Not only that, since you are also so obsessed with playoff performance, I think it can be said that landing two 1st round picks and a 2nd for three guys who combined to score 9.9 points in the semi-final round is some of the best general managing this league has ever seen.

Thank you. I accept your compliments.

I do really hope I win the NIT this week, though.

Now let's find who will be 2017's most fantastic man.




TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS vs. THE NATIONAL RAZOR
We already talked about how lucky Gary was to have one of his worst weeks during his bye. Last week, he was lucky enough to face Chris, who was running on fumes at that point. Wentz was hurt, and if Zeke just sucked it up instead of burning four appeals, he would've been active by last week, not this week. Chris' kicker scored 0.

The luck continues this week with AB being knocked out of the lineup.

I am fine with either Scott or Gary winning this week. Seriously. They've both been there since the beginning, they try every year, and they make things fun. I prefer Gary's "Kill The Rich" policies over Scott's "Blame Black People For The Problems Thrust Upon Them" policies. Though I don't know where either one of them stand on Selma-killing policies.

From a comedy perspective, picturing Gary being told "You're ruining Christmas!" because he's screaming about a Zach Ertz touchdown that gives Scott the title is pretty good.

Let's go ahead and give this one a full positional breakdown, shall we?

QB
Although the Texans were completed shredded by Bort Blakles last week, we're talking about Road Ben with no AB here. Plus a game the Steelers should win on the road is a problem in the Tomlin era, plus the emotional letdown from last week, plus the pressure from Jacksonville winning on Sunday and getting closer to stealing a bye, plus Martavis definitely dropping at least one long TD pass.

On the other side, the Bills did hold Brady down a couple of weeks ago, but this one is back in Foxboro. He'll get at least 2 TDs. Separately, 5 titles takes the sting out of anything, but the potential that Brady's NE career ends over a dispute involving his quack trainer plus Jimmy GQ becoming the next superstar QB in San Francisco is a really pleasurable thought.

Slight edge to Gary


RB
McCoy is hurt and Fournette is hurt and the Niner rush defense isn't terrible. Melvin Gordon should have a nice matchup against the Jets, but it's the West Coast team flying east for a 1pm start, which is always a problem. Very likely the Chargers come out flat and need to throw in the second half to catch up. That hurts Gordon.

Latavius Murray is absolutely getting one goal line TD this week, if not two. Kamara and Freeman will run wild in what should be a shootout. (PS, ATL has given up the most receiving yards to RBs this year. Kamara is good at receiving yards.) Carlos Hyde, who cost Gary a first round pick, is on the bench.

Significant edge to Gary


WR
Dez vs. Robert Woods and Jarvis Landry. Oof. I wouldn't want to count on any of these guys in a title game. Also, my 2015 theory that superstar WRs and replacement RBs was the way to go was already dissolving because so many good backs were coming into the league, but this WR lineup in the title game officially puts it to rest.

Wash


TE
Scott is the only one starting a tight end, so I guess he wins?

Default edge to Scott


K
Whatever.

Whatever


DST
Oh, interesting, the two defenses from the thrilling Detroit v Cincinnati tilt here. Well, the Bengals have given up completely and their coach has maybe quit or is maybe moving into the front office or is maybe staying on board. They've scored 14 total points the last two weeks. A late pick 6 is very much in play for Detroit.

On the other side, most of Cincy's DST is bad or hurt. They've given up like 60+ points the last two weeks and have scored a total of -1 fantasy point the last two weeks. The Lions very much need this game and will come out hot.

Significant edge to Scott


So there you have it. Gary will go to bed happy on Saturday night because Murray scored like 15 points, Scott won't get within shouting distance on Christmas Eve, and the Christmas night games will just be a formality. Although Gary will somehow talk himself into the possibility of Ben and Ertz combining for 45 more points than Elliott scores, leading to loose and squeaky stress poops while everybody else is eating ham.

The season that began with Gary stressing out over the draft freezing ends with Gary stressing out over a meaningless game, with a lot of Gary stressing out sandwiches in between.

Me, I was figuratively laying in a hammock all season. I really recommend selling off your players after Week 4 for peace of mind.

THE PICK: TNR 107 - TDHAF 83