2018 AFFL Season Preview

True, it may be a bit bold to put predictions down on virtual paper when there are still sooooo many good players that need to be cut before the deadline, but all of your cuts and contracts are just as bad and predictable as your draft picks, so I feel reasonably confident I'll get it right.

That's right, everybody! I am quite pleased with my team this season, unlike last draft, and so I am once again ready to tear apart your teams with vim and vigor as I cruise to the playoffs once more.


DEAD DROP DIVISION

TEAM: Heisenberg
Per the least consequential rule change in league history, Gary gets to rename the division he won last season and even though the term "dead drop" applies more to The Americans than Breaking Bad, here it is any way.

Gary had two amusing moments leading up to the draft. First, when I emailed him that I had sent 5th, 10th, and 11th to Brian Barker for the 1st pick, he refused to believe it for about 5-6 emails. I finally had to explain that I meant that these were all 1st round picks, and not 5th round, 10th round, and 11th round. That was mildly amusing. The tremendously amusing moment was Gary claiming that he had ranked 90-95 players and was more ready for this draft than any other.

Even if true, all that ranking work led to Gary drafting Larry Fitzgerald in the 2nd and Marshawn Lynch in the 4th, two guys that he didn't exactly need a fresh copy of Street & Smith's to have heard of before the draft.

Gary will trot out the 3 RB power O all season and he should be above .500 barring injuries, but it's a pretty thin bench if he needs to turn to CJ Anderson or Crowell or Lynch. Though with over $3 of cap space, he could take a page from Chris and ship out 2019 picks in exchange for high-priced stars and make a really title run this season.

Kamara will be extended to a 3-year deal, so you all have one more year before Gary needs to clear out Freeman in order to franchise Kamara and starts asking for 3 first-round picks in exchange for Freeman.

CHRIS BERMAN PLAYING THAT CLIP OF JIM MORA SAYING "PLAYOFFS?!!?" FOR THE 10,000TH TIME: Yes, but spoiler alert, Heisenberg dies at the end of Breaking Bad.


TEAM: The Dude Has Got No Mercy
Let me put this on the record up front. I think Barkley is the next Marshall Faulk, and I happily would've traded AJ Green and Carlos Hyde (the guys I gave up for 2018 1st round picks) for him. As for the 3 guys Brian Barker got with the 3 picks I gave him for Barkley...uh, yeah, I would've done that as well.

In fact, I would've taken Alex Collins at 10, so still getting him at 14 was a bonus. Double in fact, between Barkley, Collins, Royce Freeman, and Carson, this is the first time I have RB depth. No hoping a sleeper breaks out, no hoping a starter gets hurt so my guy gets carries, actual, genuine, good ol' American horsepower in the backfield. It's a neat feeling. I enjoy it.

Oh, by the way, I also have Brees and Beckham, and somebody is going to step up as a WR2, whether it's Golladay, Brown, or Anderson. Or perhaps Jamison Crowder, who will catch 120 crossing routes from Alex Smith this season.

I know you don't want to hear it. I know you don't want to believe it. I know you'll try to deny it. But I am absolutely going to storm through this league this year.

CHRIS BERMAN PLAYING THAT CLIP OF JIM MORA SAYING "PLAYOFFS?!!?" FOR THE 10,000TH TIME: If I don't clinch a playoff bye, that would be considered an upset. (Division winner)


TEAM: WTTK?
I have to tread lightly here because McCamey seems like he's actual mad at me, not fun mad. Of course, he's also pretty adamant that he'll never, ever read this so I guess I could just say whatever I want, but this try some diplomatic dignity for a change.

Actually, it's too bad he won't read this because McCamey's draft was a pleasant surprise. Gordon over Julio at #3 was a bit of surprise, but I don't hate it. Davante was a nice grab at #6, and although I hope Cooper Kupp was a joke pick at #17, Hogan is a good grab at #18.

With Henry and Mixon returning under contract, McCamey has a pretty solid starting lineup each week and he'll be competitive as long as those guys are around and kicking. If he loses any of his starters, though, whether to bye weeks or shredded tendons, he's going to be in trouble because he has absolutely no bench depth whatsoever.

Of the 5 cuts he needs to make to get his roster street legal for opening day, let's assume he cuts both bench kickers and QBs, and then Nyheim Hines who is a speedster project who keeps fumbling, ie, the type of guy that never works out in the NFL. That still leaves him with two rookie RBs sharing touches with 6 other guys, a rookie WR on a team with 5 other options, and DeSean Jackson. McCamey should be lighting church candles weekly praying that his starters can keep it together all year long.

CHRIS BERMAN PLAYING THAT CLIP OF JIM MORA SAYING "PLAYOFFS?!!?" FOR THE 10,000TH TIME: Before the draft, I expected this division to be a big slice of cold cake for me, and now it has 3 playoff teams? What the hell?


TEAM: Sigmund and the Seamonster
Timmy was actually online before that draft started, typed something into the chat window, and still managed to take 6:37 to make his first pick. How? How does this happen?

Tim drafted Jimmy Garoppollo in the 3rd round, a respectable pick that left only two teams (me and Gary) without a quarterback. So naturally he followed that up with Alex Smith in the 7th and Matthew Stafford in the 12th. Every year, Tim drafts multiple QBs in the hopes of trading one before the season starts, and every year he ends up cutting them before the season starts. I want to say he'll learn, but...

He also drafted two kickers, one of whom is on the Browns and the other who is a cheap rookie, but currently battling a groin injury.

Now, to be fair, Tim made a good grab of Anthony Miller in the 6th round, and it's hard to see anybody who was drafted behind those QBs and Ks obviously breaking out this year, but Tim is essentially heading into this season with 3 good players, and that's assuming Hunt can follow up his rookie breakout and that Howard has an amazing year that justifies his exorbitant salary.

CHRIS BERMAN PLAYING THAT CLIP OF JIM MORA SAYING "PLAYOFFS?!!?" FOR THE 10,000TH TIME: This team isn't terrible by normal standards, and it's decent by Tim standards, but it's not a playoff team.


CENTRAL DIVISION

TEAM: Asstanner
As this division's defending champ, Chris also renamed his division, although renaming it from Eastern to Central isn't the most clever thing I ever saw. As usual, Chris' team looks absolutely horrendous in the unforgiving post-draft morning light, but the only thing we know about this roster compared to Week 8 is that he's going to have to cut DeMarco Murray, who retired.

So let me bring this up again, since you all blew it last season. If we all band together, collude, if you will, and refuse to trade any of our players for Chris' 2019 picks, we can all sit back and chuckle while he goes 2-12. It'll be really, really fun and really, really worth it, and if makes any of you feel bad for some bizarre reason, you can go back to trading for his picks next season. Just this once, stay strong, comrades!

Man, look at this roster. Look at how bad it is.

CHRIS BERMAN PLAYING THAT CLIP OF JIM MORA SAYING "PLAYOFFS?!!?" FOR THE 10,000TH TIME: No, not if you can all manage to do the right thing.


TEAM: Little Baby Jesus
Semi got great value to start the draft, with Julio falling into his lap, and 3rd round pick Peyton Barber looking more and more like a real starter with every passing day. Allen Robinson was a stretch in the 2nd round, but he could come back and rediscover his potential in a new, fun offense and become worth the reach.

The problem is, Semi doesn't have a second starting running back. Even if he starts Week 1, Booker won't start Week 2, Rob Kelley has no chance, and Ty Montgomery is going to be moved back to WR soon. And I can tell Semi from personal experience that the 1-4 offense looks really tempting before the season starts, and then you watch Tyreek Hill not live up to last year's performance or Corey Davis put up a 2-point week because he's not going to break out this year either and things get very frustrating very quickly.

CHRIS BERMAN PLAYING THAT CLIP OF JIM MORA SAYING "PLAYOFFS?!!?" FOR THE 10,000TH TIME: Going with the innovative 21st-century 1-4 offense doesn't work when Peyton Barber is the 1 and most of the 4 are lottery tickets.


TEAM: The Whitechapel Rippers
Larry has been threatening to quit the league for 5 years now, and while Gary thinks it's because he pronounced Larry's last name as "Shat" until like 2 years ago, I think it's more because he's finished 8th, 12th, 5th, 6th, and 9th the past 5 years. Not bad enough to land great picks and rebuild, not good enough to compete, and not being sure until too close to the roster freeze to ship guys out for picks. He's just...there. I'd say he's the Dolphins of our league, but they made the playoffs two years ago.

HOWEVER. You take a big trade for David Johnson last year, throw it in a Dutch oven with a crafty waiver wire grab of an injured Dalvin Cook, stir in some veteran receivers and young, cheap quarterbacks, and braise the whole thing with some patience...and this might just be the year.

Evans isn't quite as good or as consistent as his reputation would suggest, but he's still decent enough and Landry is going to catch 100 balls. If Larry can manage to start/sit Marvin Jones properly, he'll have a solid receiving corps to go with potentially 2 top-10 backs. There are worse ways to manage a roster. Many demonstrations of which can be found in this league, actually.

CHRIS BERMAN PLAYING THAT CLIP OF JIM MORA SAYING "PLAYOFFS?!!?" FOR THE 10,000TH TIME: Somebody has to win this division, right? (Division winner)


TEAM: Timmy Doesn't Have Any Friends
Two facts cannot be denied. Scott won the title last year (According to the league history, at least. I really have no recollection of 2017's boring ass season.), and he leads the league in Most Guys Under Contract Even Though They're Not On An Active Roster. Dez Bryant on a 2/2 $2.30 deal right now is at least the third time I remember this happening to Scott recently. Also, he somehow has Kendall Wright on his team for like the 5th straight year.

It cannot be denied that Scott won it all in 2013 and 2017, and finished 2nd in 2016. It also cannot be denied that he finished DFL in 2006, 2008, 2015, and was 2nd to last in 2002 and 2009. He's a high-variance owner, is what I'm saying here. It's like having a professional gambler for a dad. Sometimes you get a new game console and HDTV for your birthday, and sometimes he pretends it's not actually Christmas morning and that's why there are no presents under the tree which is actually a bush.

Following the draft, Scott taunted the league that we had all made a grave mistake in "allowing" him to redraft most of his 2016 players. As if we were the ones making the mistake by not jumping on Roethlisberger, Kendall Wright, or AP. Also following the draft, he made me a trade offer for Odell. The offer was his 2019 2nd round pick, plus any of his 2019 "drafted" players. I replied, accurately, that it was one of the worst offers I had ever seen. I mean, if you're going to grant me the privilege of taking James White from your team, a guy I could've drafted myself at any point and intentionally did not, at least throw in a first rounder.

To be certain, there will be weeks in which Fournette and AB alone combine for enough points for Scott to beat some chump that only posted a 47. That's not going to happen 10 times, though.

Reminder: Scott only won the title last year because Gary only managed to put up 55 points in the Albert Bowl. 55!

CHRIS BERMAN PLAYING THAT CLIP OF JIM MORA SAYING "PLAYOFFS?!!?" FOR THE 10,000TH TIME: On the roller coaster that is Scott's season history chart, this will be one of the steep down slopes.



WESTERN DIVISION
TEAM: Animal House
Between Le'Veon, Michael Thomas, and McCaffrey, Meyers might have come into the draft with the best contract situation of any team in the league. Feeling plush and comfortable, Meyers went into the draft with a strategy of taking the best player available in the 1st round, getting the QB he needed in the 2nd round, and then taking any Steeler he could in any round after that. Mission accomplished, I suppose.

Each week, Meyers is going to have one roster spot that isn't quite perfect. If he can figure out the proper starter between Jamaal Williams, JuJu, Sterling Shepherd, or Mark Ingram, he could be practically unbeatable. But honestly, that's a little bit like worrying if Ringo's drum kit is the proper color. With his regular rotation of Bell, Brady, CMC, Thomas, and AJ, there's a really good chance Meyers puts up like 140 points in one magical week this season.

CHRIS BERMAN PLAYING THAT CLIP OF JIM MORA SAYING "PLAYOFFS?!!?" FOR THE 10,000TH TIME: It will be an honor for me to share the bye week with a team like this. (Division winner)


TEAM: RussellMania
LeSean McCoy as the #5 pick is a McCamey/Gary/Tim-level mistake. I am aware that this year's draft only had 4 sure things and whomever had the 5th pick needed to make the first reach, but I mean...when the Bills are losing 30-13 in the second half and Nathan Peterman hits McCoy in the ankle with a swing pass, Shady is going to be HOPING Gooddell suspends him for 6 games.

Beyond that, the guys on this team are mainly known for getting hurt or missing games. Gronkowski, Keenan Allen, Doctson, Josh Gordon, Dion Lewis, Burkhead. This roster is going to look like the battlefield in Gone With The Wind by Week 6. Or, if you will, the Simpsons' yard after they got that trabopaline.

There was a little talk around the draft table that the Western division was shaping up to be the toughest in the league this year. I think the Barker boys might've lessened that load a little bit.

CHRIS BERMAN PLAYING THAT CLIP OF JIM MORA SAYING "PLAYOFFS?!!?" FOR THE 10,000TH TIME: Neither of LeSean McCoy's teams this year are getting anywhere near the playoffs.


TEAM: The Night Boys
If you're wondering why Dak is still TNB'S FP even though he sucks, you should know that at the draft, Barker said he likes Dak. We'll see if that opinion holds up through this season.

When Barker sent out his hype man email offering up all of his recently-drafted players in exchange for 2019 picks, I did wonder why he was looking to unload so many good, cheap players. Then I took a real look at this roster. Although, if this is the team you just put together with 2018 picks, I'm not sure the point of looking for 2019 picks. Maybe just ask for cash or cans of Cope instead. Something you can actually USE.

That said, with the cap room he's certain to have post-cuts, and the number of teams desperate for backfield help, Barker could be a couple of interesting trades away from putting together a team that...goes nearly .500. Eh, what's the point?

CHRIS BERMAN PLAYING THAT CLIP OF JIM MORA SAYING "PLAYOFFS?!!?" FOR THE 10,000TH TIME: TNB's best finish in the past 5 seasons is 7th. This is not his best team in 6 years.


TEAM: That Kangaroo Stole My Ball
Bri is not going to give up Cam for less than a 1st round pick. Bri is not going to stop trying to move Cam so he can eventually franchise DeShaun or Gurley. Bri is not going to get a first round pick.

I really liked McKinnon coming into this draft and even though I have injury concerns like everybody else, I think that was a good pick for Bri. If McKinnon comes anywhere near his summer hype, he and Gurley will make for a pretty incredible backfield. Lamar Miller is probably underrated right now and so Bri should be rolling out 3 RB lineups week in and week out. One small concern is that right now Travis Kelce is Bri's best receiver and he's a tight end.

Now, far be it from me to give other teams good advice on ways that they can help themselves, but I bet Bri and Semi could work out a Rodgers + WR for Cam + RB deal. Bri can 1/x Rodgers and get some WR help while moving Cam, and then Semi can sit on Cam for a couple of years until he wants to franchise Tyreek or Julio. The only problem I see with this deal is that it's technically my idea and both of them will be loathe to do anything that makes me look smart.

That would be a really good deal, though.

CHRIS BERMAN PLAYING THAT CLIP OF JIM MORA SAYING "PLAYOFFS?!!?" FOR THE 10,000TH TIME: Will make the playoffs, but could potentially win this division with the bold flavor of that Rodgers trade.


PRESEASON POWER RANKINGS (PRE-DRAFT)
1) Animal House 
2) The Whitechapel Rippers 
3) The One Who Knocks 
4) That Kangaroo Stole My Ball 
5) Timmy Doesn't Have Any Friends 
6) Asstanner 
7) WTTK? 
8) Russellmania 
9) Little Baby Jesus 
10) Sigmund and the Seamonsters 
11) The Dude Has Got No Mercy 
12) The Night Boys


PRESEASON POWER RANKINGS (POST-DRAFT)
1) Animal House
2) The Dude Has Got No Mercy
3) That Kangaroo Stole My Ball
4) Heisenberg
5) WTTK?
6) The Whitechapel Rippers
7) Little Baby Jesus
8) Russellmania
9) The Night Boys
10) Timmy Doesn't Have Any Friends
11) Sigmund and the Seamonster
12) Asstanner

2018 AFFL Mock Draft (4 Rounds)

I wasn't going to do this originally because I didn't want to spill any of my clever secrets in the first round, but now that my first pick is much more obvious, let's do this.


ROUND 1
1) The Dude Has Got No Mercy - Saquon Barkley RB
2) The Night Boys - DeAndre Hopkins WR
3) WTTK? - Kenyan Drake RB
4) Little Baby Jesus - Julio Jones WR
5) Russellmania - Melvin Gordon RB
6) WTTK? - Cooper Kupp WR
7) Animal House - Davante Adams WR
8) Sigmund and the Seamonsters - AJ Green WR (Autodrafted after 5 minute limit expires)
9) That Kangaroo Stole My Ball - LeSean McCoy RB
10) Russellmania - Lamar Miller RB
11) Russellmania - Stefon Diggs WR
12) That Kangaroo Stole My Ball - Jarvis Landry WR


ROUND 2
13) The Night Boys - Alex Collins RB
14) The Dude Has Got No Mercy - Amari Cooper WR
15) The Whitechapel Rippers - Larry Fitzgerald WR
16) Little Baby Jesus - Rex Burkhead RB
17) WTTK? - Tom Brady QB
18) WTTK? - Jimmy Garropolo QB
19) Animal House - Andrew Luck QB
20) The Dude Has Got No Mercy - Jerick McKinnon RB
21) That Kangaroo Stole My Ball - Golden Tate WR
22) The Dude Has Got No Mercy - Robby Anderson WR
23) Heisenberg - Derius Guice RB (Didn't know he tore out his ACL)
24) The Whitechapel Rippers - Michael Crabtree WR


ROUND 3 
25) The Night Boys - Mark Ingram RB
26) The Dude Has Got No Mercy - Sammy Watkins WR
27) Russellmania - Chris Carson RB
28) Little Baby Jesus - Kenny Golladay WR
29 The Whitechapel Rippers - Tyrell Williams WR
30) WTTK? - Rob Gronkowski TE
31) Animal House - Dion Lewis RB
32) Sigmund and the Seamonsters - Tevin Coleman (5 minute limit expires again but he is driving to a place with wi-fi right now!)
33) That Kangaroo Stole My Ball - Marvin Jones WR
34) The Night Boys - Demaryius Thomas WR
35) Little Baby Jesus - Devontae Booker RB
36) The Whitechapel Rippers - Royce Freeman RB


ROUND 4
37) The Night Boys - Alex Smith QB
38) The Dude Has Got No Mercy - Allen Robinson WR
39) Russellmania - Tarik Cohen RB
40) Russellmania - Travis Kelce TE
41) The Whitechapel Rippers - Marquise Goodwin WR
42) WTTK? - Jordy Nelson WR
43) Animal House - Jamaal Williams RB
44) Sigmund and the Seamonsters - Drew Brees QB (Pick made in 12 seconds)
45) That Kangaroo Stole My Ball - Emanuel Sanders WR
46) WTTK? - James Washington WR
47) Heisenberg - Marshawn Lynch RB
48) Timmy Doesn't Have Any Friends - Stephen Gostkowski K