Friday, October 27, 2017

AFFL Week 8 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2
SEASON: 29-13

 This is the first season I've been unintentionally bad. I tanked once before, but that was essentially a garage sale to throw out all of the garbage that Chris left behind when his franchised was foreclosed on.

I'm sure you all have lots of input on where I went wrong and such, so let me just say...



THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (2-5) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (5-2)
Actually, I'm am enjoying the freedom from caring about fantasy football. Especially because this season is historically bizarre. There have been 6 shutouts in only 7 weeks this season. There were only 5 shutouts in the previous 32 weeks. It makes sense that my traditional smarts wouldn't work in a non-traditional season. If anything, being bad this season is more of compliment than anything else.

In that vein, I'm telling you that I'm not going to respect whoever lucks themselves into the 2017 title. It's going to be like the year Crash won Best Picture. That's one of the worst movies I've ever seen, and you're one of the worst champions I've ever seen. Whoever you are.

So all I have left to hold my interest for the next few weeks are trades, and I will hear out any offer for any player. You need a cheap backup kicker? I'm your guy! You need WR or RB depth? I'm your guy!

And oh hey by the way, I know the 49ers suck, but Carlos Hyde is currently the #9 RB overall. He's 1 point ahead of Devonta Freeman. (Through line - Kyle Shanahan called Freeman's plays last year and Hyde's this year.) Surprised more people haven't come knocking for him. Especially since he's cheap, on a 1/2 contract, and a free agent who can sign anywhere in 2018.

And it's not just my players I can trade. I'll probably have the #1 waiver spot through the freeze. I'm happy to take waiver wire request and then flip a player to you. I'll be your waiver middle man, sure. I'll even trade for one of your expensive players and cut him myself to eat the cap hit for you. For a price.

Let's see...what else is interesting about me? Well, I'm toying with the idea of signing Marlon Mack. The last time didn't I sign a super dynamic rookie back on my roster because he hadn't taken over the starting job by the roster freeze, it was David Johnson. But if I sign Mack, do I get my 2017 stink on him?

Lastly, I'm not picking up a replacement defense this week. Not because I'm quitting, but because the available defenses are so iffy there's no guarantee they won't put up negative points. It's a strategic decision.

Oh! I have one more 2017 hex for you. It was my rule suggestion to stop picking up college players and I supported it the loudest. And now I have two college players I really, really want. So that's fun.

Guess I should also talk about Tim in the preview.

Tim's gonna win this week.

THE PICK: SS 88 - TDHGNM 61
THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (2-5) vs. THE NATIONAL RAZOR (4-3)
One thing we have not talked about enough this season is how Gary should have David Johnson on his IR spot, except he created this rental player exemption and then closed the loophole after he got picks back. It's a little like how there is a new Trump scandal daily so we move on from the old ones except not a goddamn single interesting things has happened in this league in all of 2017, so, yeah. We should be talking about this more.

You know...teams that can pressure Brady give him fits, and Melvin Ingram and Joey Bosa have more sacks combined than most teams right now. Here's Melvin Ingram last week:



Hilton and Garcon should be limited by good defenses this week, and Devonta Freeman isn't even as good as Carlos Hyde, so Gary is going to struggle this week.

Also, Gary signed OJ Howard to a 2-year contract this week. Any time you can lock up a rookie TE who isn't yet his team's starter because he had 1 good game, you gotta do it!

Larry struggles every week, but all of his guys have pretty good matchups. Except for Frank Gore who is slowly losing his matchup with time. It's upset time, folks!

THE PICK: TWR 70 - TNR 66


LITTLE BABY JESUS (3-4) vs. WTTK? (2-5)
Trying to improve your football knowledge this season isn't really working out, so let me try to improve your life knowledge if I can. Here's your first one. Some of the best comedy being created today is on...

Black Twitter.

What is Black Twitter? It's Twitter, but black people. Some celebs, some actual comedians, and a whole bunch of normal folks that are just unbelievably funny. It's like this whole other world. I'm already on the edge of sounding like I'm trying to gentrify something ("It's just so authentic here!"), but trust me. Outstanding comedy every single day.

Okay, I'll give just one example. Remember when Under Armour came out with Air Dad 1s?
















Somebody on black Twitter started a thread asking what's the worst you've ever been roasted for your shoes? I'm on the couch next to Nikki and Abby just heaving with laughter. Crying. For 30 minutes. They ask me what I'm laughing at and I'm all (Eddie Murphy white guy voice) "They're making fun of peoples' shoes."

There were HUNDREDS. My favorite was a dude whose mom got him some knockoff Nikes. The Nike logo was upside down. A dude in school shouted that he was wearing Air Newports.

I died. I'm dead right now, in fact.

THE PICK: WTTK? 74 - LBJ 63
RUSSELLMANIA (4-3) vs. TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (4-3)
Is Jameis actually playing this week? I don't know anything about this matchup except Zach Ertz is going to score a TD.

THE PICK: RM 103 - TDHAF 83
THE NIGHT BOYS (3-4) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (4-3)
I went to bed at halftime last night because I don't need Ryan Mallett and Matt Moore in my life. Looks like I missed pix-sixes. Those are probably going to save Bri, because Jay Ajayi is not doing much this season. This is again where fantasy football is just like poker. Drafting Ajayi in our first round is probably the right thing to do. Locking up a starting running back is probably the right thing to do. But sometimes the flop comes and it's an offensive line that can't block and then the turn card is a coach angrily saying his best offensive players need to actually try.

Here's a fun stat I saw today. Alex Collins has more rushing yards this season than Jay Ajayi on 50 fewer carries. Here's another fun thing I saw. Alex Collins on Barker's bench with 14.3 points.

In other news, Deshaun Watson and the Texans almost walked out of practice today after they had heard own Bob McNair said "The inmates can't run the prison." during a recent players-owners meeting. Deandre Hopkins actually did walk out.

I know Boomers are super nostalgic, but I'm not sure about them bringing back You Can Be Openly Racist And Say Derogatory Things With Zero Consequences. I'm not surprised that America - the world, really - is racist. I am really surprised that within the past 3 years, all the racists all at once decided they weren't hiding any more.

And...look, I'll just say this so political thoughts don't run out on me. All these Second Amendment folks? The ones are not actually part of a well-regulated militia? The ones who say they need to arm themselves to protect themselves from a tyrannical government? First, I don't know what's more tyrannical than agents of the state summarily executing people with a shot to the back with no trial. Second, Afghanis were pretty armed. Iraqis were pretty armed. They couldn't stop drones dropping bombs from 25,000 feet. If the U.S. Government wants to "take back" rural Michigan? Guess what, Ron? You're fucked.

THE PICK: TKSMB 102 - TNB 77
ANIMAL HOUSE (4-3) vs. ASSTANNER (5-2)
I...we're supposed to talk football here. But GODDAMMIT. We live in a country where 600 people can be shot in 45 minutes, we half care for two days, then stories come out about how the shooting victims can't afford their hospital bills, and NOTHING IS DONE.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

Actually, I can tie this into the league somehow. A couple of years ago, Gary and I had a mini-row over email about him being terrified of ISIS being inspired by the San Bernardino shooters. I told him he had a better chance of being shot by a white guy at Robinson Town(e?) Cent(re?).

Fucking white guy shot 600 people.

The 21st century American dream is simply NOT getting fucked raw somehow by something you can't control. Great work, everyone!

Okay, enough. Let's get positive. JuJu is outstanding. Already a local treasure AND he's going to be really good. Dial 1-900-976-JUJU.

Chris overpaid for Willie Snead a few weeks ago and has yet to play him. I think. I'm not gonna go back and check. Fuck everything.

THE PICK: AT 97 - AH 67
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