AFFL Week 7 Review

My hex powers are absolutely out of control right now. I can usually focus them, but at the moment it's like a X-Men movie when Cyclops gets his glasses kicked off. The hex is just spraying everywhere. I'm getting hex all over my pants. Nothing is going right for my team, but the picks are 10-2 in the last 2 weeks and 29-13 on the season.

But the crazy hex part is, the team picks are doing well because my player previews are so bad. I say one guy will go off and he sucks and another guy will suck and he goes off and it balances out with a good game pick.

Anyway,  I went looking for hot water. I shouldn't be shocked if I got burned by it.





THE NATIONAL RAZOR 72.7 - THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 67.5 👍
Honestly, it's hard to pick the best thumbnail summary of my entire season. Amari Cooper only had 5.1 points since I traded him and 20.5 points on the season, but once I said trading him was my best move of the season, he scored 33 points in a single game. And Tim didn't lose even though he benched Cooper. Which, I mean, did 10% of players start Cooper this week?

That's a good hex. But is it as good as Latavius Murray? I used #1 waiver priority to grab Murray instead of Aaron Jones. I used my second waiver pick on Jones. Murray lost the job to McKinnon in a quarter, Jones went on to steal the job from Ty Montgomery. Of course, as soon as I cut Murray for Brett Hundley, Murray went off for 18 points.

That's a good hex. But is it as good as ending Martavis Bryant's Steelers career by drafting him in the first round and giving him a 2 year contract? And I won't lie here, I went into this year's draft with the sole aim of landing Martavis. I have him in both of my leagues.

I want to keep Marlon Mack, but do I even risk it?

Anyway, I am fine with the fate of this season. I accept it. I have mocked Scott and Gary for going 2-12, but I really don't care what happens to me this season. I look at it like this. I cook a lot and I'm good at it. Pasta from scratch, fish tacos, top notch grilling, I have a smoker, I make my own bacon, I can roast a whole pig. I can get shit done in the kitchen. But one week I really wanted some veal piccata. I bought the veal, the lemon, the butter, the capers, dredged it, fried it, made the sauce, and I really fucked it up. Way too bitter, too many capers, too much salt...it sucked. 2017 is my veal piccata season. I'll bounce back.

Gary won this game with 70 points. Congrats. I'm sure he has a very good team.

Actually, we can talk about this game a little bit more to extend the hex talk. I started Brett Hundley in fuck it mode, which cost me the game. I started Martavis over DeSean because of Friday's talk that the Steelers would feed Martavis. That cost me the game. Tom Brady intentionally deflected a shotgun snap to Brandin Cooks on a sweep and they credited that as a touchdown "pass". That cost me the game.

Oh, one last hex thing. I was facing Brady and Jake Elliott in both of my leagues, so I had 2 come from ahead losses Monday night. Elliott's final field goal meant I lost my other game by 0.1 point. Also, PS, I would've won both games if I benched Martavis.


ASSTANNER 99.6 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 78 👍
You know what? Chris was right about Tyrod Taylor a few years ago, and he was right about Carson Wentz this year. The hex is so bad in 2017 that I like Chris more than myself.

Ezekial Elliott might be the only player in the league who has been good every single week. Wait, no. Only 2.2 points in Week 2. Still, he's the most consistent player this season. Maybe Kareem Hunt make 1a and 1b.

Torrey Smith didn't see the field Monday night, Dan Bailey re-aggravated his groin injury during the game, the Chiefs posted -4.5, and AJ Green was shut down and Chris still ran away with this game. Getting 63 points from 2 running backs apparently goes a long way.


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 86.1 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 58.2 👎
Is Zack Ertz ever going to not score a TD? I mean, it's every damn week with this guy. Jameis did play despite injury and had one of his best games of the year. Bucs still lost, though. Hard Knocks is beyond boring at this point, but one thing it's still good for is that you can learn if a head coach is any good within 5 minutes. There's just something about the CEO / leadership role that's so totally different from being a good play caller / blitz sender.

Dirk Koetter was not very impressive.

Feels like Larry did not have Orleans Darkwa and Tarik Cohen on his preseason radar, and yet here they are, starting in his backfield. Frank Gore is crotchety about these kids infringing on his Ripper turf.


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER 75.7 - ANIMAL HOUSE 69.9 👍
You know how when your team misses the playoffs you adopt another team just to have something to root for? I'm doing that with Tim this year. All aboard the Tim Train!

Maybe I'm just a biased fan, but you can't blame Tim for not starting Cooper this week. His previous 5 games were 2.8 - 0.8 - 0.9 - 0.6 - 3.3. Scores out here looking like a dang IP address.

Kareem Hunt hasn't been as dynamic the last 4 weeks, but his lowest total is still 11 points.

Meyers was pretty close to winning this one, and it's up to him to decide if he's most upset about the Cardinals DST scoring -2.5, Gronk for not catching a TD, Christian McCaffrey for being a huge letdown, or Steve Sarkisian for ruining the Falcons offense.


THE NIGHT BOYS 109.6 - LITTLE BABY JESUS 67.8 👍
This is the highest Night Boys score this season by 27 points. It may seem like it came out of nowhere, but I did predict 96 points for them this week. I still know a few things here and there.

Dak had a huge game, Aaron Jones needs to be signed to Rex Burkhead's 2-year contract slot ASAP, and Chris Thompson is the best Washington RB by far.

You know how in past season's we chuckled at Barker's horrible luck? Him all having decent scores but going 5-9 because he gave up 1000 points? So far this season he's plucked Aaron Jones from the waiver wire, got Chris Thompson to stay hot after getting picked up, and got a TD from Chris Ivory this week in an emergency start.

Alex Smith and Tyreek Hill are the new Rodgers and Jordy, it seems. Credit to Semi for having the brains and the guts to bench Jordy, but it looks like AP's triumphant return to prominence only lasted one week.


RUSSELLMANIA 77 - WTTK? 66.7 👎
For the 2nd time this season, Derrick Henry had a dud game in a week when Murray was supposed to be hurt. The Joe Mixon breakout that every expert declared was coming never came. McCamey started Davante Adams, possibly because he didn't hear that Rodgers was hurt. Had he paired Jordan Reed with his Cousins start, he would've won.

Nelson Agholor almost outscored Julio again until Julio ripped a TD ball away from Malcolm Butler late.

My favorite thing about Terrelle Pryor this season is that his existence means that Martavis Bryant is not the worst 2017 first round pick.