AFFL Week 7 Preview

LAST WEEK: 6-0
SEASON: 25-11

Come Tuesday, it's certain that we'll have two 5-2 teams controlling the league. It's also certain that we'll have two 4-3 teams feeling good about themselves.

And it's possible - though maybe not likely - that we have EIGHT 3-4 teams sinking to the bottom of the toilet like a big brown log. Sure, technically that log has its own top and bottom, but really, it's all shit. If you're the top of shit, you're still shit.

Even if we don't achieve the shit singularity, we'll still at a point in which 66% of the league is just...




THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (2-4) vs. THE NATIONAL RAZOR (3-3)
My team is not good. I am under no illusions. The only thing I've done right is traded Amari Cooper before it was too late. Though if Chris tanks without his backs and the 1st rounder he gave me for AJ turns into a lottery pick, that would be pretty good.

The only chance I have at winning this week is Martavis shocking everybody with a long TD, Mack shocking everybody with a long TD, Dion Lewis shocking everybody with a long TD, and Thielen just catching a TD, which he hasn't done this season. But the fact that I still picked up a kicker with Fairbairn speaks to my optimism. As well as my tremendous integrity and concern for the league's competitiveness.

Gary could've traded Emmanuel Sanders, and now he's hurt. He could've traded Andrew Luck but now he's done for the year and has to be cut in order to keep Freeman. I recommend trading CJ ASAP.

All that aside, I am not going to enjoy watching Sunday Night Football when Brady and Freeman give Gary the lead in the first quarter and then continue to run up the score on me.

THE PICK: TNR 81 - TDHGNM 58


THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (4-2) vs. ASSTANNER (4-2)
The fact that we need a court order every week to know whether or not Zeke can play is a true testament to Gooddell's incompetence. Having Zeke run against the Niners is much better for Chris than having Wayne Gallman not run against Seattle, that much we do know. In fact, Chris pretty much only has good matchup this week. Even LeSean should have his first good game since Week 1.

Bri is going to have to cave somewhere. Either he moves Cam at a discount rate, cuts Crowell and carries $0.91 against the cap for nothing, or he lets Deshaun walk after the season. In fact, if anything, Bri should be packaging Cam WITH a pick. That's how obvious it is that we'd be doing him a favor by clearing out that contract for him. I offered to take on Crowell and eat the cap hit myself in exchange for considerations, but Bri claims he needs Crowell for Week 10, after the freeze, due to byes. Me, I would cut Crowell, find somebody on the FA pile that can also score 3 points (PLAYER NAME: Anybody, At All) and sign Deshaun, but what do I know?

Actually, I know that keeping a shitty, expensive player for 10 weeks just so you can use him as a bye week fill in, costing yourself a great, cheap QB, is a terrible move. So this is where Bri will cave. He will also cave on the scoreboard this week.

THE PICK: AT 93 - TKSMB 71


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (3-3) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (2-4)
Scott and I have been talking trade on AB all week, and it's going about how you might expect. I've given him a really fun, clever trade option, but he might hold AB to make a run this year. Of course, if I took on AB, I could send the franchise Jaguars DST back to him. LO AND BEHOLD, Scott needs a DST this week! It's perfect.

Then again, he also needs a QB with Jameis out, and might have to play Blount and Forte with Fournette and Murray out.

Assuming Larry takes Dalvin Cook out of his starting lineup (how did he get there in the first place?), I'm calling for the upset. And what a devastating upset it will be. Scott is trying to win and loses, Larry is trying to tank and wins. These guys can't do anything right!

THE PICK: TWR 68 - TDHAF 54


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (4-2) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (4-2)
Meyers picked up JuJu? When did that happen? I swear, all of his moves just happen with no warning. The Sunday night is obviously pretty key for Meyers, considering he'll have Ryan and Gronk trying to make up a deficit. You would think that Ryan wouldn't have much problem against the Pats secondary, but this game is on the road, outside, and the whole Falcons offense has been off track since Kyle Shanahan left.

Still, Meyers might be down 30 points by the time the sun goes down Sunday. I'd be more excited about Brees against the Packers if the game was in our southernest state and not our northernest, but even if Brees struggles, Ingram should run wild. Especially if the Saints are bleeding the clock in this Brett Hundley game.

It'll be close Sunday night, but Tim will go to be atop the AFFL. Assuming he can stay up that late.

THE PICK: SS 88 - AH 83


THE NIGHT BOYS (2-4) vs. LITTLE BABY JESUS (3-3)
Semi has AP, Marshawn, AND Jamaal Charles. What year does he think this is? Me, I know it's 2017 because those 3 guys are only costing his $2.92 in cap space. In 2013, that trio would've set him back like $6.50. But now? Man, it's like 2 of the original members of ELO are playing the Washington County Fair billed as Electric Night Orchestra for legal purposes.

Barker's another guy who's going to win this week when he needs to lose? Doesn't anybody know how to tank around here? Do you guys really want to sneak into the #6 seed with a 6-8 record?

THE PICK: TNB 94 - LBJ 72


WTTK? (2-4) vs. RUSSELLMANIA (3-3)
The best receiving cob in the league is starting Nelson Agholor this week. That's how quickly things have changed in 2017. First round pick Terrelle Pryor has been a huge disappointment, right? Guess what? Julio Jones only has 10 more points. Only 1.66666666666666666667 more points per week. Agholor is actually outscoring Julio by 20!

Cousins will have to throw to keep up with Wentz, which is good for McCamey, but the last time DeMarco Murray was hurt and Henry had big points the previous week, he put up a 6. Additionally, every single article I read this week said Joe Mixon will break out against the Steelers and finally prove his value, so guess how that's going to turn out. Davante Adams without Rodgers and Jaron Brown at all?

Man, both of these teams have some huge holes this week. I guess...

THE PICK: WTTK? 64 - RM 60