AFFL Week 5 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2
SEASON: 15-9

It's true that this is shaping up to be a transition season for me, though I'm not giving up hope just yet. There's a possibility that I could be one of five different 2-3 teams come Monday night, with a pair of 1-4 teams in the back. But if I lose this week, my team will be going through:




By the way, are you folks listening to these songs each week? I'm not just satisfied with improving your fantasy football smarts. I'm also working to improve your cultural and sonic smarts. I'm probably failing on both counts. You people are worthless.

Anyway, at least listen to this one. It's real chill and cool and good.


THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY (1-3) vs. THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL (2-2)
I have one more word in my team name, so I'm already ahead of Bri on that count.

So, let's be real about my team. I knowingly drafted a boom or bust team this year. I did it on purpose because the draft was so gross. I had no interest in scouring for guys who might scrape out 6.7 points a week. I'm all about that sex appeal, y'all! I did the same thing in my other league, where I'm 2-2 because I've scored 63-125-67-119. The difference is my AFFL team has yet to boom.

(Yes, I do have Martavis on both teams. Why do you ask?)

Anyway, I'm due for a boom. DeSean will definitely catch a long TD tonight against the terrible Pats defense, Hyde should get back in the end zone against the Colts, and this is the week for Ben and Martavis to finally connect on a deep ball. Yes, that would technically hurt me slightly because of the Jags D, but I'll live.

Another reason I think I'm not dead just yet is Latavius Murray. Not because he's much more than average, but because the injuries are just starting. Pretty much every team in this league is 1-2 injuries away from being in real trouble, so let's all have a little patience.

Of course, if I fall to 1-4, you can trade for Murray Tuesday morning.

Cam is back in the starting lineup. I guess one good game against the worst defense in the league means he's ready to face a strong Lions defense. Or maybe Bri just agrees with Cam that dames don't know nuttin' about pigskin. You wanna talk football, Betty? Make me a football-shaped pepperoni roll! If ya even knows what a football looks like, ya dizzy dame!

Hue Jackson says he has faith in Isaiah Crowell, which is exactly what he said before the season started. After 20.40 total points in 4 games, Jackson is either delusional or lying. Maybe both. Perhaps Bri will be tempted to play Montgomery or Crabtree if they get a doctor's note. No chance they get re-injured in the middle of the game.

The Titans defense is bad. The Miami offense is worse. The moveable object vs. the resistable force. Maybe Ajayi will finally score. Gurley should be great against Seattle since they're struggling with the run, Crosby has a really nice matchup against the Cowboys, and the Ravens DST gets EJ Manuel.

Hmm. So...I'm due for a boom this week. I need a win to save my season. And it looks like Bri is going to have a nice game this week.

Come Monday night, I'm going to need at least 23 points out of Murray and Thielen to pull out a win. I say they each get in the end zone once and I'm reminded that dreams do come true. Hey, if you don't believe in yourself, who will believe in you? Think I saw that on a coffee mug once.

THE PICK: TDHGNM 94 - TKSMB 87


WTTK? (2-2) vs. THE NATIONAL RAZOR (2-2)
So McCamey finally revealed his acronym. Three years of "mystery" and that's it? That's the best you can do? Not exactly the best long game I've ever seen. It wasn't quite as exciting as the last scene of The Game.

Gary has scored 130 more points than McCamey, but could fall behind him in the standings this week. Interesting. But don't think a Gary win is assured here. Gary's boom or bust team looks like my other league team mentioned above. He's either in the 60s or the 100s. McCamey's best game is 74 and his worst game is 35, so he has more of a bust and BUST team.

Gary has a slight edge at quarterback with Tom Brady against Jacoby Brissett for Bill. Rough break for Bill having Carr hurt and Cousins on a bye. Speaking of byes, Gary's refusal to be reasonable on a trade means he has a banged-up Wendell Smallwood going against Arizona, assuming he actually plays, and new pick up Will Fuller going against Kansas City. Fuller, who hadn't played in a year due to a knee injury, looks like he had a good game last week. Hey, 15 points! Pretty good! Except...he had 2 TDs on just 35 receiving yards. Feel like he won't repeat the 2 TD part this week.

And sure, Amari Cooper probably won't do much either, but I did also offer DeSean Jackson, who is going to score 18 points this week.

Okay, I'll level with you. I was desperately trying to talk myself into McCamey this week just for the hilarity. But Shiva H. Vishnu, look at this roster! Ameer Abdullah against a good run defense, Joe Mixon against a good run defense, Bilal Powell against a team that should touch him when he's on the ground, Davante Adams against the specter of death. Oh, and JJ Nelson, who has 3.4 total points in the last 2 weeks.

THE PICK: TNR 77 - WTTK? 50


RUSSELLMANIA (2-2) vs. ASSTANNER (3-1)
There's a decent chance that Aaron Donald breaks Russell Wilson's ribs this week like an older brother jumping on the couch on his younger brother. Lamar Miller finally got into double digits against a bad Titans defense; we can assume he won't do the same against the Chiefs this week. Beckham is dinged up and facing a pretty good CB (I'm aware he can only be shut down by injury, not a defense), Keenan Allen with get Janoris Jenkins, who has shut down everybody this year, and Bears are keeping lids on all WRs so far this year, so good luck to Stefon Diggs.

That pretty much leaves Doug Martin, who returns from suspension on a short week for a game in which the Bucs will need to throw 60 times to keep up. Not great.

Here's another reason to not give up too early. Chris is going to be 4-1 after this week, but is he really that good? If Zeke's suspension is upheld in court this week, isn't going to be .500 by the time he's back? If not 4-7? Unless one of you dummies bails Chris out with a trade. Why are you doing that!? We talked about this!

On behalf of Brian's wife and the breakable objects in his house, I implore to skip both SNF and MNF and avoid the increasing of not watching Miller and Diggs do enough to catch up to Chris.

THE PICK: AT 76 - RM 67


LITTLE BABY JESUS (2-2) vs. THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS (2-2)
Get ready for the first controversy of the season, folks!

Actually, it's probably the 10th by now. But dig in, because...

...

...Larry is intentionally leaving his K and DST empty this week. He figures he can't win this week anyway, so why bork his cap picking up a K and DST for just this week? I tried to talk him out of it, mainly because I don't want Semi going to 3-2 in my division. Oh yeah. And also because of integrity. Yes, integrity. So have at it in the comments section, everyone!

Thing is, I'm not entirely convinced it's hopeless. Cutler could actually do something against the Titans, who are bottom 5 in every defensive metric, Mike Evans could score 20+ on the Pats, Hurns can beat the Steelers' coverage, and Mack or Gore could get yards on the Niners.

Yeah, Semi has Rodgers and Jordy lighting up the Cowboys, but Marshawn is doing nothing, Jimmy Graham is doing nothing, and Hogan and Hill are both up and down.

Come Tuesday, I am absolutely going to cherry pick the 1 kicker and 1 defense that Larry could've won with for the review. I will ignore the FA K that scores 2 and the DST that posts a -6 as a way to show that Larry made a decent choice in just skipping them this week. That is my vow to you.

THE PICK: LBJ 76 - TWR 59


TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS (1-3) vs. ANIMAL HOUSE (3-1)
As of this writing, Meyers doesn't have a QB this week. Matt Ryan is on a bye, and Adrian Peterson is occupying the bench slot that would be better served by a backup QB. Now, a QB is more important to have than a K or DST, but maybe Meyers thinks he can beat without one. Or, more likely, he doesn't look at the league site between 1130pm Monday and 11:30am Sunday, if he even looks at it that much.

But maybe he can win with no QB. Bell should run wild on the Jags, who shut down the pass but let teams run wild on them. McCaffrey is going to get into the end zone at some point (I think?), and Gronk might be able to catch a TD tonight before hurting himself again.

Tonight is Jameis' big chance to show everybody he's very good and will be very good in the future. He should throw 4 TDs and definitely not throw 4 picks that make everybody wonder if he's any good. AB will struggle with Jalen Ramsey, Melvin Gordon will struggle with being a shit running back, DeMarco Murray has one good run all season, and Fournette has had below-average yardage totals masked by the fact he's scored a TD each week. That seems unlikely to last forever.

I realize that last statement could be interpreted in either direction. Poor and vague writing. I mean that he won't continuing scoring TDs every week.

THE PICK: AH 81 (94 with QB) - TDHAF 66


THE NIGHT BOYS (1-3) vs. SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER (3-1)
I'm gonna you something that's hard to admit. Tim's worst week this season was 0.1 higher than my best week. That's where I am right now. That's what it has come to. But I think Tim's feel-good run takes a slight pause this week.

Goff and the Rams are, I mean...they're essentially the NFL version of Tim. Had an amazing few years a long time ago, have been terrible ever since, now they are putting up points in buckets. For all we know. Sean McVay has also taken over this team. It would explain a lot, actually. But Goff still has to go into Seattle, Jordan Howard has to face Minnesota, Kelvin Benjamin is questionable, and Amari is facing a good secondary in the early East Coast time slot with EJ Manuel at QB. Kareem Hunt is only one man. He can only do so much.

This matchup actually features both Benjamin and Devin Funchess, which is...interesting. But this is the Dez week Barker has finally been waiting for. Nobody on the Packers can slow down Dez, and he's doubling up on those points with the Dak Stack. Dezzy Dezzy Dak Dak, y'all! Gillislee or Cooks should have fun against Tampa, and if Aaron Jones doesn't play because Montgomery or Williams are good to go, Rawls is a great backup option on the bench.

Welcome to 2017 fantasy football, everybody! Where there's absolutely nothing to get excited about!

THE PICK: TNB 105 - SS 66