Tuesday, November 7, 2017

AFFL Week 9 Review

I don't know if it was because I finally got to watch some football this weekend or just a coincidence, but like 4 really funny things happened in games this weekend. Chief among these funny things was Tyreek Hill's TD that ended the first half. Too short to be a Hail Mary pass, it was more like a Peace Be With You. A 40-yard jog and then he turned into a...





WAIT. The Terror Division? Somebody actually took up Gary on this dumbass division naming idea and THAT'S what they came up with? Jesus Christ.

THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY 73.3 - THE WHITECHAPEL RIPPERS 57.3 👍
Yeah, I won but my team just cannot get above 80. It's the Ford Tempo of fantasy teams. If my team was better, I'd take more credit for my Brissett and Watkins pickups combining for 30 points, giving me the win, but who cares?

Let's just talk trades.

Hyde is gone in a fun deal, but I still have the 9th-best kicker. Doesn't sound like much, except he's played 3 fewer games than everybody ahead of him and only costs $1. Only a buck for the best PPG kicker in the league!

Thielen has the 2nd most receiving yards. Watkins was wide open deep last week for an easy TD, Desean is facing the terrible Jets secondary this week with Mike Evans suspended, and Devontae Booker led the Broncos is carries this week.

But the trade target everybody is sleeping on is...the Jaguars. Yeah, I limited my potential trade partners when I franchised them, but they are the 7th cheapest DST in the league. By the way, they're #1 in points. In fact, relative to position, they are the best value in the entire league. The gap from #1 QB to #2 QB? 6 points. #1 RB to #2? 8 points. The gap from the Jags to the #2 DST? 16 points.

Great trade target for a few key competitive teams out there.


THE NATIONAL RAZOR 95.1 - ANIMAL HOUSE 80.5 👍
T.Y. Hilton has two 20+ point games this year. He also has 2 games with under 2 points. Going further, he has an 18 point game, and then every other week is single digits. He is like sweetened, condensed A.J. Green and he is absolutely going to cost Gary a playoff game.

Alvin Kamara, who is probably Gary's first really good find since Devonta Freeman, went off for 26.2 points. He and Freeman combined for 32 points. C.J. Anderson had 1.3 and Will Fuller's TD streak did, in fact, come to an end. Way down on the bench, The Next Gronk(tm) had -0.4 points. 1 catch on the day, which he fumbled. He actually wasn't the worst Razor, since the Bengals posted a -0.5.

On the happy side, Matt Stafford threw 2 TDs last and neither one was to Golden Tate, so Gary was able to salt away this win.

Back on the sad side, while we're talking QBs, Jim Irsay came out and said all of Andrew Luck's problems are "mental." So Jim Irsay had a generational QB fall into his lap to replace the last generational QB that he had, then proceeded to give him a terrible GM, a terrible coach, no offensive line, and now that he can't throw because his shoulder is fucked up, essentially said it's all in his head. That should all go well in 2018.


LITTLE BABY JESUS 95.7 - THAT KANGAROO STOLE MY BALL 92.7 👎
I said Semi would only score 54 this week, so this was not a particularly good pick. Bri luck took a brief break this week, as he would've won if he started Tyrod over Cam, or if he started Ajayi over Crabtree. He was also unlucky in that Damien Williams of all people scored a TD, and Marshawn Lynch had his best game of the year with 2 TDs.

Oh, plus that Tyreek Hill TD, which absolutely should've been stopped.

Going back to that Raiders game for a second, when Marshall Newhouse scooped up that Carr fumble and turned the corner, I thought for sure he had open field in front of him and was going to run 17 yards for the first down.



Noooooooooooope.

Former Bears OL Anthony Adams, who is great on Twitter and a great entry way into the wild and wonderful world of Black Twitter, helpfully put some miked up audio over this heroic run.



It's really just the little things for me any more. That's all I need.


WTTK? 54.4 - TIMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 47.3 👎
I did predict 48 points for Scott this week, so that was good. Problem is, McCamey beat expectations by 22.

Bri, I know you scored 92 points and could've stayed in the race for the #1 seed, but you lost. McCamey won, though. Got himself back in the playoff race and everything.

Chris, I know you scored 75 points and could've taken the lead for the #1 seed, but you lost. McCamey won, though. Got himself back in the playoff race and everything.

Mike Barker, I know scored 68 points and could've stayed alive in the playoff race, but you lost. McCamey won, though. Got himself back in the playoff race and everything.

Meyers, I know you don't read this so I'll stop here.

What a roller coaster ride this season has been for Scott. Loses 4 to start, wins the next 4, benches Matt Forte's 21.6 points on Thursday night, finds out Sunday that Fournette is being suspended for 1 game for breaking team rules, has literally no other active players on his roster this week, eats the 0 and loses an important game by 7.

Also, when he picked up Trent Taylor, I thought maybe he still plays Madden on Xbox and that somehow accidentally emailed us a fake player he picked up in year 2031 franchise mode. But no, Trent Taylor is real! And he's white! And Scott picked him up on purpose!

TRENT TAYLOR!

You know how far down you have to scroll to find Trent Taylor? Even with a name search! There are like 10 Taylors in the league! You have to really want Trent Taylor in order to pick him up.

Who the hell wants Trent Taylor?

Bizarre.

Speaking of bizarre, do you think Scott cut Jameis because he found out he gives the worst pregame speeches?


He wants. To Eat. The W.


SIGMUND AND THE SEAMONSTER 80.7 - ASSTANNER 75 👍
I got this text Saturday evening:

























Obviously it was my number. But what if it wasn't? What does a person do with a random text that starts off like that? Definitely only can end in tears or sex. Maybe both.

But we were both right, the AFFL is boring as hell this year. Absolutely nothing is happening. I don't know if it's because McCamey's August moves were so bad that everybody was thrown off for a full season, or because nobody yet is truly a contender or a tanker, but I hope the Hyde trade gets things unclogged a bit.

Anyway, Chris lost because the Jets totally shut down Shady. I missed this during the game, but apparently the Jets were feeling quite festive during a TV timeout. And since memes are the backbone of the new media economy, people starting laying music over the whole thing.


Stick around to at least 0:51.

I don't know who #33 is, but he is my new favorite Jets player in history, beating out...uh...I guess he's the first one I've liked.

Word in legal circles is that an absolute and final decision on Zeke should be delivered by Friday, and if he suspension is upheld, he's out of appeals to turn to. I hope so. Partially because I want to see Chris' season ruined (The prospect of having 2 lottery picks is very arousing) and partially because I just want it over with.

Tim won this game thanks to an all-around balanced effort, including 11 points from that effervescent Jets defense. The only downside is that Kareem Hunt's points go down every single week because he's getting the Andy Reid treatment. Reid has never known how to use a back properly, and every trick flip play that works just gets him more and more excited about shenanigans. Hunt had 28 yards on his first 3 carries, then finished the game with 9 total carries. A game the Chiefs lost, incidentally. Shameful.

Tim also won in part because DeAndre Hopkins caught the first TD pass of Tom Savage's career. Pitt is it!


RUSSELLMANIA 98.6 - THE NIGHT BOYS 68.3 👍
So yes, once again Mike Barker has the most Points Against and the worst record as we near the deadline. It's becoming an annual rite of passage.

This game would've been a lot funnier if Brian lost because Julio Jones dropped a 40-yard TD that hit him in the hands, but Adrian Peterson took care of that. All Marvin Jones did was run up the score.

Terror Division. Goddamn. Pathetic.

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