SEASON: 18-18
The bye weeks are already starting to create some fun times with quarterbacks and the cap. It shouldn't come to this every year, we shouldn't make the same mistakes every year, but when it comes to Teddy B and Matt Moore, a couple of owners are gonna have to fuck and run.
Anyway, I'm going to run my game last because I have a lot of Odell talk and if I rant and rave up front, I'll use up all of my energy and the rest of the games will get two sentence previews. And you all deserve so much better.
Also, I am tired of all of your team names so I am renaming every team with the Wu Tang Name Generator.
PROPHET TALL (2-5) vs. FREEBOOTER GOLDEN (4-3)
It's possible that Prophet Tall could lose this week and then rip off 6 straight wins and back into the playoffs at 8-6, but I don't know how likely that is. Every win is crucial and Dalvin Cook certainly provided a good head start last night. But Josh Jacobs might miss this week with an injury and Travis Kelce could be limited by Matt Moore and the Prophet doesn't have anybody good to replace them. Also, I realize Sony Michel's fantasy points are good lately but his actual numbers are terrible and a bad game has to be coming up soon.
Kupp and Zuerlein should be good this week because the Rams face the Bengals and there's always lots of kicking in London games. Plus...DeShaun.
Although Stafford should keep close to DeShaun against the Giants, and Latavius can have another good game against the Cards. But I'm not sure about Julio if Matt Ryan is down and I don't like Derrick Henry in general, and specifically this week since Tampa can stop the run but not the pass. And Brandin Cooks doesn't do anything at all any more. On the other hand, I'm also not sure who Gary can start instead.
Defenses should be nice, though.
Last week I really wanted to pick Bri to lose, didn't have the courage to do it, and then watched him lose. Maybe something will be different this week.
THE PICK: PT 103 - FG 84
GRUS AMERICANA PINKY (3-4) vs. TRACKER BAD (3-4)
Terry McLaurin is very good and will only get better. I'm still not sure Tracker Bad should've started him last night with Washington running a league-low 42 plays per game. Putrid. He should've put in somebody from his bench like...
HANG
THE
FUCK
ON
DEZ BRYANT?
HE HAS DEZ FUCKING BRYANT ON HIS BENCH? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
So...let me get this straight. The idea is that Dez Bryant, who wasn't good any more before tearing his achilles, will make an NFL comeback, sign with some team, pick up the offense, and be good down the stretch? Is that it? The chances of this happening are so good, that Scott felt the need to add Dez as his 15th player even before an NFL team added him as their 53rd player.
Tracker Bad has $2.27 committed to 2 wide receivers that haven't played a snap this season between AJ and Dez, and Dez may never play again. He turned down multiple trade options for Odell, which...fine.
Tracker Bad has 150 points fewer than Prophet Tall this season, or 21 PPG fewer.
He has 1 more win.
Jesus Christ.
THE PICK: GAP 89 - TB 68
VANQUISHER DARK (5-2) vs. BANDIT PESKY (6-1)
I thought Bandit Pesky picked up Bisi Johnson (only one of those names is made up) just to be cap legal. I didn't think he was actually going to play him. I get that Thielen was out and Washington stinks, but that's a little too much of fantasy football genius writer move for my tastes.
That's what happens when you have no cap space, I guess. Hang on to Melvin Gordon at $1.77 for his 2 yards per carry, though.
Moore is going to throw for like 130 yards against the Packers, and Gordon might run for 13 againt the Bears. Golladay and Carson are going to be pretty nice, though.
Vanquisher Dark needs to get David Johnson out the starting lineup this week and might want to make a FA pickup based on how few guys on his bench are still alive. On the other hand, why bother against this lineup Chris is trotting out? Hell, start DJ and Malcolm Brown even though both are out. That would be some flex.
THE PICK: VD 84 - BP 60
CONQUEROR UNPLEASANT (3-4) vs. MITT FICKLE (3-4)
Conqueror Unpleasant turned down an offer of Odell Beckham straight up for Miles Sanders. MILES SANDERS. He also just signed Michael Thomas this week, which will bump his 2020 salary up to $2.16 next year, which is about how much Odell costs, right after saying he couldn't afford him.
Anyway, Russell has a great matchup this week, both Mack and Lindsay are decent, and Michael Thomas is matchup proof, even against Patrick Peterson. DJ Chark and JuJu should even get loose against extremely bad teams this week.
Two straight wins have Mitt Fickle back in the hunt, temporarily pausing the grave digging work everybody was doing for them. We got to about 5 feet down and then stopped to see what happens. Brady and Edelman should light up the Browns because I'm sure Belichick wants to score 50 on them, and Conner should have a huge game against Miami. And who knows what the Rams D is capable of against Andy Dalton. (I also feel like London games have an unusually high number of defensive TDs. I'm sure I could look that up somewhere if I felt like it.)
But the Niners can slow McCaffrey (so he only scores 14, not 24) and Le'Veon just has no room to work at all. I think we can go back to digging after this week.
THE PICK: CU 107 - MF 93
NINJA AMAZING (4-3) vs BUDDHIST WELL-THOUGHT-OF (2-5)
You know you're having a bad season when you even end up with the worst Wu name. The hell is that?
The Bengals have 372 rushing yards this season and have allowed 1,323. This is one of the worst ratios in league history. It's not going to get any better this week. Joe Mixon might not play another game for Ninja Amazing this season, and it might be time to move on from his franchise player already. If only there was an incredibly dynamic FP out there who's trade value was as low as it'll ever be.
Minshew should bounce back against the Jets this week (I mean like...14 points), and if Keenan Allen is out, Ekeler might catch another 15 passes. Plus, Godwin, Waller, and John Brown all have nice matchups this week.
I put in for Ty Johnson this week like everybody else, but let's see him actually do something first before we get too excited. Nick Chubb isn't going to have room to run.
Good lord, this is an ugly game. The lucky run continues for Ninja Amazing. It's really time to make some splash trades and take advantage of this break.
THE PICK: NA 79 - BWTO 50
GENUS MUSTELA MIDNIGHT (3-4) vs. ADJUDICATOR OPTICAL (4-3)
Okay...so, Odell. I can't even give him away right now. Everybody is so afraid of his contract, and even Gary is chiming in about it being a huge mistake. So I just asked Gary flat out what the penalty is for cutting him and...
...y'all are complete babies.
If I cut him this year, the 2020 cap penalty is like $1.18. If I cut him next year, the 2021 penalty is $1.13.
$1.13!
I have a $2 QB, a $1.55 RB, and the most expensive kicker in the league and I still have $0.40 in cap space. McCamey was sitting on $1.50 in space last week. Scott just signed a guy who isn't even in the league for $0.75.
Yes, the Browns are off to a poor start this season. Yes, it seems impossible that they will turn it around.
Hey, for no reason at all, here are the Browns' opponents in certain weeks still to come:
Week 12 (double week) - MIA
Week 14 (Wild Card) - CIN
Week 15 (Conf Champ) - ARI
Week 16 (AFFL Bowl) - BAL
Would be totally awful to have a guy who can take a slant route 80 yards for a TD against very terrible defenses in some very important weeks this winter. Not a good strategy at all if you're trying to make a run this year.
Anyway, while I'm complaining this week, after I was done complaining last week about a lack of trades, Gary reached out to me to talk. I thought we might actually get somewhere so I told him the only guys he had that I was interested in were Kamara and Julio and the only guy I have who's off limits is Saquon.
He fired over the following offer:
Julio Jones
FOR
Mark Ingram
Tyreek Hill
2020 1st
2020 2nd
Now...Ingram is currently outscoring Julio. Tyreek got hurt, but they have the same PPG. Tyreek was the #1 WR last year. Both are cheaper than Julio.
I mean...I don't want to hear about my offers being ridiculous ever again.
Anyway, let's finally talk about this matchup. Ironically, after all that Odell fuss, there's a legitimate chance I bench him for AJ Brown this week. As absurd as that sounds, Odell isn't going to pile up yards against Stephon Gilmore and Baker is also going to be seeing ghost this week. He's going to be TD or bust, whereas AJ faces a bad Tampa pass D. AJ might score 20 this week, believe it or not.
If Brees actually plays this week - which would make NO sense with their bye coming next week - the amount of roster maneuvering I'm going to have to do to replace Teddy B will be asburd. And it probably won't even matter because Tim has all good matchups this week, and every single one of my guys is a question mark.
THE PICK: GMM 113 - AO 94
PROPHET TALL (2-5) vs. FREEBOOTER GOLDEN (4-3)
It's possible that Prophet Tall could lose this week and then rip off 6 straight wins and back into the playoffs at 8-6, but I don't know how likely that is. Every win is crucial and Dalvin Cook certainly provided a good head start last night. But Josh Jacobs might miss this week with an injury and Travis Kelce could be limited by Matt Moore and the Prophet doesn't have anybody good to replace them. Also, I realize Sony Michel's fantasy points are good lately but his actual numbers are terrible and a bad game has to be coming up soon.
Kupp and Zuerlein should be good this week because the Rams face the Bengals and there's always lots of kicking in London games. Plus...DeShaun.
Although Stafford should keep close to DeShaun against the Giants, and Latavius can have another good game against the Cards. But I'm not sure about Julio if Matt Ryan is down and I don't like Derrick Henry in general, and specifically this week since Tampa can stop the run but not the pass. And Brandin Cooks doesn't do anything at all any more. On the other hand, I'm also not sure who Gary can start instead.
Defenses should be nice, though.
Last week I really wanted to pick Bri to lose, didn't have the courage to do it, and then watched him lose. Maybe something will be different this week.
THE PICK: PT 103 - FG 84
GRUS AMERICANA PINKY (3-4) vs. TRACKER BAD (3-4)
Terry McLaurin is very good and will only get better. I'm still not sure Tracker Bad should've started him last night with Washington running a league-low 42 plays per game. Putrid. He should've put in somebody from his bench like...
HANG
THE
FUCK
ON
DEZ BRYANT?
HE HAS DEZ FUCKING BRYANT ON HIS BENCH? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
So...let me get this straight. The idea is that Dez Bryant, who wasn't good any more before tearing his achilles, will make an NFL comeback, sign with some team, pick up the offense, and be good down the stretch? Is that it? The chances of this happening are so good, that Scott felt the need to add Dez as his 15th player even before an NFL team added him as their 53rd player.
Tracker Bad has $2.27 committed to 2 wide receivers that haven't played a snap this season between AJ and Dez, and Dez may never play again. He turned down multiple trade options for Odell, which...fine.
Tracker Bad has 150 points fewer than Prophet Tall this season, or 21 PPG fewer.
He has 1 more win.
Jesus Christ.
THE PICK: GAP 89 - TB 68
VANQUISHER DARK (5-2) vs. BANDIT PESKY (6-1)
I thought Bandit Pesky picked up Bisi Johnson (only one of those names is made up) just to be cap legal. I didn't think he was actually going to play him. I get that Thielen was out and Washington stinks, but that's a little too much of fantasy football genius writer move for my tastes.
That's what happens when you have no cap space, I guess. Hang on to Melvin Gordon at $1.77 for his 2 yards per carry, though.
Moore is going to throw for like 130 yards against the Packers, and Gordon might run for 13 againt the Bears. Golladay and Carson are going to be pretty nice, though.
Vanquisher Dark needs to get David Johnson out the starting lineup this week and might want to make a FA pickup based on how few guys on his bench are still alive. On the other hand, why bother against this lineup Chris is trotting out? Hell, start DJ and Malcolm Brown even though both are out. That would be some flex.
THE PICK: VD 84 - BP 60
CONQUEROR UNPLEASANT (3-4) vs. MITT FICKLE (3-4)
Conqueror Unpleasant turned down an offer of Odell Beckham straight up for Miles Sanders. MILES SANDERS. He also just signed Michael Thomas this week, which will bump his 2020 salary up to $2.16 next year, which is about how much Odell costs, right after saying he couldn't afford him.
Anyway, Russell has a great matchup this week, both Mack and Lindsay are decent, and Michael Thomas is matchup proof, even against Patrick Peterson. DJ Chark and JuJu should even get loose against extremely bad teams this week.
Two straight wins have Mitt Fickle back in the hunt, temporarily pausing the grave digging work everybody was doing for them. We got to about 5 feet down and then stopped to see what happens. Brady and Edelman should light up the Browns because I'm sure Belichick wants to score 50 on them, and Conner should have a huge game against Miami. And who knows what the Rams D is capable of against Andy Dalton. (I also feel like London games have an unusually high number of defensive TDs. I'm sure I could look that up somewhere if I felt like it.)
But the Niners can slow McCaffrey (so he only scores 14, not 24) and Le'Veon just has no room to work at all. I think we can go back to digging after this week.
THE PICK: CU 107 - MF 93
NINJA AMAZING (4-3) vs BUDDHIST WELL-THOUGHT-OF (2-5)
You know you're having a bad season when you even end up with the worst Wu name. The hell is that?
The Bengals have 372 rushing yards this season and have allowed 1,323. This is one of the worst ratios in league history. It's not going to get any better this week. Joe Mixon might not play another game for Ninja Amazing this season, and it might be time to move on from his franchise player already. If only there was an incredibly dynamic FP out there who's trade value was as low as it'll ever be.
Minshew should bounce back against the Jets this week (I mean like...14 points), and if Keenan Allen is out, Ekeler might catch another 15 passes. Plus, Godwin, Waller, and John Brown all have nice matchups this week.
I put in for Ty Johnson this week like everybody else, but let's see him actually do something first before we get too excited. Nick Chubb isn't going to have room to run.
Good lord, this is an ugly game. The lucky run continues for Ninja Amazing. It's really time to make some splash trades and take advantage of this break.
THE PICK: NA 79 - BWTO 50
GENUS MUSTELA MIDNIGHT (3-4) vs. ADJUDICATOR OPTICAL (4-3)
Okay...so, Odell. I can't even give him away right now. Everybody is so afraid of his contract, and even Gary is chiming in about it being a huge mistake. So I just asked Gary flat out what the penalty is for cutting him and...
...y'all are complete babies.
If I cut him this year, the 2020 cap penalty is like $1.18. If I cut him next year, the 2021 penalty is $1.13.
$1.13!
I have a $2 QB, a $1.55 RB, and the most expensive kicker in the league and I still have $0.40 in cap space. McCamey was sitting on $1.50 in space last week. Scott just signed a guy who isn't even in the league for $0.75.
Yes, the Browns are off to a poor start this season. Yes, it seems impossible that they will turn it around.
Hey, for no reason at all, here are the Browns' opponents in certain weeks still to come:
Week 12 (double week) - MIA
Week 14 (Wild Card) - CIN
Week 15 (Conf Champ) - ARI
Week 16 (AFFL Bowl) - BAL
Would be totally awful to have a guy who can take a slant route 80 yards for a TD against very terrible defenses in some very important weeks this winter. Not a good strategy at all if you're trying to make a run this year.
Anyway, while I'm complaining this week, after I was done complaining last week about a lack of trades, Gary reached out to me to talk. I thought we might actually get somewhere so I told him the only guys he had that I was interested in were Kamara and Julio and the only guy I have who's off limits is Saquon.
He fired over the following offer:
Julio Jones
FOR
Mark Ingram
Tyreek Hill
2020 1st
2020 2nd
Now...Ingram is currently outscoring Julio. Tyreek got hurt, but they have the same PPG. Tyreek was the #1 WR last year. Both are cheaper than Julio.
I mean...I don't want to hear about my offers being ridiculous ever again.
Anyway, let's finally talk about this matchup. Ironically, after all that Odell fuss, there's a legitimate chance I bench him for AJ Brown this week. As absurd as that sounds, Odell isn't going to pile up yards against Stephon Gilmore and Baker is also going to be seeing ghost this week. He's going to be TD or bust, whereas AJ faces a bad Tampa pass D. AJ might score 20 this week, believe it or not.
If Brees actually plays this week - which would make NO sense with their bye coming next week - the amount of roster maneuvering I'm going to have to do to replace Teddy B will be asburd. And it probably won't even matter because Tim has all good matchups this week, and every single one of my guys is a question mark.
THE PICK: GMM 113 - AO 94
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